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Scene: The living room of the apartment. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again?
Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board.
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.
Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey!
Penny: Did you get my mail.
Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
Penny: Boy, it’s good to be back.
Leonard: How was your family?
Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.
Sheldon: Sick?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon (running to opposite side of the room): What kind of sick?
Penny: Oh, the flu I guess.
Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?
Penny: Maybe Friday.
Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon?
Penny: I… I don’t…
Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when?
Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.
Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, h*m* habilus would have figured out to k*ll the guy with the runny nose.
Leonard: Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe.
Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I understand.
Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now please leave.
Leonard: You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.
Leonard: No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.)
Sheldon: What?
Credits sequence
Scene: The kitchen
Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard: With lime jello?
Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.
Leonard: I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.
Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting?
Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance.
Leonard: I’m going back to bed.
Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature.
Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I’m sick!
Cut to Leonard entering living room in panic, stumbling and trying to put on a pair of trousers.
Sheldon (voice off): Leonard! Leonard I’m sick!
Leonard grabs jacket and leaves through front door.
Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow!
Leonard (voice on phone): Hey.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are you?
Leonard (running down stairs): I’m at work.
Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: On Sunday?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: They asked me to come in.
Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.
Leonard: They texted me.
Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
Leonard: No kidding?
Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.
Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?
Leonard: Drink whatever you want.
Sheldon: I want soup.
Leonard: Then make soup.
Sheldon: We don’t have soup.
Leonard: I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.)
Sheldon: Is that a dog?
Leonard: Yes,
Sheldon: In the lab?
Leonard: Yes, they’re training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. The phone is ringing.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, it’s the phone.
Howard: I know it’s the phone, Ma, I hear the phone.
Howard’s Mother: Well who’s calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard: I don’t know.
Howard’s Mother: Well ask them why they’re calling at this ungodly hour.
Howard: How can I ask them when I’m talking to you! (Into phone) Hello.
Leonard: Howard, it’s Leonard, code Milky Green.
Howard: Dear Lord, not Milky Green!
Leonard: Affirmative, with fever.
Howard’s Mother: Who’s on the phone.
Howard: It’s Leonard.
Howard’s Mother: Why is he calling.
Howard: Sheldon’s sick.
Howard’s Mother: Were you playing with him?
Howard: For God’s sake, Ma, I’m twenty six years old.
Howard’s Mother: Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-ya want for breakfast.
Howard: Chocolate milk and eggoes please!
Leonard: Howard, listen to me.
Howard: Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard (voice): No, don’t, don’t….
Howard: Hello.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick.
Howard (imitating his mother’s voice): Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon: I need soup.
Howard: Then call your own mother. (To Leonard) It was Sheldon.
Leonard: I tried to stop you.
Howard: It’s my own fault, I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of ’06.
Leonard: You call Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours.
Howard: Stand by. Ma, can my friends come over?
Howard’s Mother: I just had the carpets steamed.
Howard: That’s a negatory. But there’s a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today.
Leonard: Five movies, two hours apiece. It’s a start.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen.
Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much.
Penny: How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick.
Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed!
Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon: I want soup.
Penny (over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home.
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.
Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want.
Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.
Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.
Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green?
Scene: The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks.
Howard: Look at this, everyone went chimp.
Raj: Well I’d like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you shouted me down. (Phone rings).
Leonard: Oh, hi Penny!
Penny: Hey, where are you?
Leonard: I’m… uh… at work.
Penny: You sound funny.
Leonard: I’m… uh… in a… I’m in a radiation suit. What’s up?
Penny: Yeah, well I’m at work too, and you’ll never guess who’s here infecting my entire station.
Leonard (To Howard and Raj): Sheldon’s at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone) Just tell him to go home.
Penny: He won’t leave, he says he’s afraid he’ll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs.
Leonard (To Howard and Raj): He’s paranoid, and he’s established a nest.
Penny: Can you please come get him?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, I’d be… I’d be happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there’s a breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty.
Raj: You did what you had to do. (Steals some of Howard’s popcorn)
Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home.
Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.
Sheldon: Good. Good.
Penny: Okay, well, you feel better.
Sheldon: Wait, where are you going?
Penny: Um, home, to write some bad cheques.
Sheldon: You’re going to leave me?
Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before?
Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself.
Penny: Really, never?
Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
Penny: And there was no-one there to take care of you?
Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again.
Penny: Again?
Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “mag das du ein anspeilung?”
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need?
Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths.
Penny: Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Scene: The cinema.
Raj: Here we go, ten and a half hours of apey goodness.
Leonard: Oh dammit, my glasses. Okay, I’m blind here guys, can you help me find them?
Howard: Sorry. (Crunching sound) Found ‘em.
Leonard: Oh great.
Howard: Sorry, don’t you have a spare.
Leonard: Yeah, at home.
Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
Howard: Unless Sheldon’s there, in which case you’ll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.
Leonard (Dials phone): Hi, Penny. I was wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, gotta go, got kind of a full blown Chernobyl thing here, gotta go, bye. (To Howard) He’s home, I’m screwed. Ten and a half hours of apey blurriness.
Raj: How about Lasic?
Leonard: You want me to get eye surgery?
Raj: Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam?
Howard: Well?
Leonard: I’m thinking!
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later.
Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself?
Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny.
Penny: But Sheldon….
Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Penny: I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it.
Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you.
Penny (after a loud sigh): Soft kitty, warm kitty…
Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
Penny (through gritted teeth): Little ball of fur.
Scene: The living room door, a fibre-optic camera emerges from underneath. We see the scene from its point of view. Cut to outside. Raj is holding a laptop, Howard is feeding the camera under the door.
Leonard: What do you see, what do you see.
Raj: The living room appears to be empty.
Leonard: Okay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-signal.
Howard: I’m not going in there.
Leonard: Raj?
Raj: No way, Jose.
Leonard: Well I can’t do it, I can’t see anything.
Howard: It’s all right, wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset. We’ll be your eyes.
Leonard: Fine.
Howard: One more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you’ll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
Leonard: Won’t my footsteps set it off?
Howard: No, you’ll be on your hands and knees. Now you’ll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon’s room.
Leonard: Well, how do I carry it if I’m on my hands and knees?
Cut to Leonard entering apartment on hands and knees, carrying the sensor in his teeth.
Howard: Stay low. Bear left. Now keep true.
Leonard: What?
Howard: It means go straight.
Leonard: Then just say go straight.
Howard: You don’t stay go straight when you’re giving bearings, you say keep true.
Leonard: Alright (Bangs head on a trunk.) I just h*t my head.
Howard: Because you didn’t keep true. (Time shift, Leonard is now outside bedrooms) Okay, turn right.
Raj: The… the picture’s breaking up.
Howard: Angle your head to the right. A little more. A little more. (Leonard now has his head at right angles to his body) That’s it, now just keep true. Alright, you’re close enough to Sheldon’s room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard: It wasn’t on?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl?
Howard: Oh, I guess you didn’t.
Leonard: Okay, it’s on.
Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl.
Leonard: I know.
Howard: Hang on, the sensor’s picking up something, turn your head back. (Camera angle shows a pair of female legs.)
Penny: You rat bastard.
Howard (running down stairs with Raj): Told you the sensor would work.
Leonard: Hi!
Penny: You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Leonard: Well, I had to, you see what he’s like.
Sheldon (off): Penny! Penny, I’m hungry.
Penny: Uh, it’s okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard’s home!
Leonard: No!
Penny (handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye.
Leonard: W-wait!
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!
Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor. Sheldon appears in his comforter.)
Sheldon: I want grilled cheese.
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his head.
Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard: I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again.
Sheldon: I’m very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.
Leonard: If I stand, I’ll vomit.
Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x11 - The Pancake Batter Anomaly"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The University cafeteria.
Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.
Sheldon: So, you see it too.
Dr Gablehouser (arriving): Dr Hofstadter, Dr Cooper.
Together: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehouser: Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard: Graduate work, very impressive.
Gablehouser: And he’s only fifteen years old.
Sheldon: Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen.
Dennis: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea.
Leonard: Advantage Kim.
Gablehouser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.
Dennis: I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a d*ad end.
Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a d*ad end.
Dennis: Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will.
Gablehouser: Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.
Leonard: Yes sir.
Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, d*ad end.
Dennis: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk.
Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force.
Leonard (in a Yoda voice): A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm.
Credits sequence
Scene: A corridor.
Leonard: So, Dennis, how long have you been in America.
Dennis: A year and a half.
Leonard: No kidding, you speak English really well.
Dennis: So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Dennis: That.
Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis: Is this part of the tour?
Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything.
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye.
Dennis: Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections.
Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye.
Dennis: You see where you went wrong, don’t you?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Huh, yeah?
Sheldon: Get him out.
Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the rec centre, they’ve got nautilus equipment.
Dennis: Do I look like I lift weights.
Leonard: Not heavy ones.
Dennis: It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.
Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it?
Dennis: Have you considered it?
Sheldon: Get him out Leonard.
Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.
Dennis: Wow, you won the Stephenson award.
Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis: Really, how old?
Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis: You were the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard: It’s like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn’t it?
Scene: The living room of the apartment.
Penny (to Raj): Mmm, this is really delicious, isn’t it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.) Still can’t talk to me unless you’re drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged.
Howard: Hey, I’m damaged too. How about a hug for Howie?
Penny: Sure. Raj, hug Howard.
Sheldon (dramatically): Uh-uh-uh.
Leonard: Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps.
Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me.
Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better.
Sheldon: Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and sh**t her between the eyes.
Penny: I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?
Leonard: You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been d*ad hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg.
Penny: So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is.
Sheldon: Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything.
Penny: I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
Howard: We liked Leonard.
Leonard: Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?
Sheldon: Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die.
Penny: You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to sh**t him between the eyes?
Scene: The same, later that night
Sheldon: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.
Leonard: Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help.
Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?
Leonard: It would blow up.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Leonard: Pretty sure.
Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.
Sheldon: Alright.
Leonard: Go away.
Sheldon: If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going.
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Howard (into phone): It’s a small brown paper bag, Ma, I’m looking at it right now. (Pause.) Why would I make that up, there’s no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today?
Sheldon (entering): So, this is engineering, huh?
Howard (into phone): I’ll talk to you later.
Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.
Howard: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.
Howard: I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.
Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today?
Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: Really, how does it work?
Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.
Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf?
Howard: No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf.
Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.
Howard: Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.
Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Go away.
Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that?
Howard: No, I thought of it all by myself.
Sheldon: Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.
Scene: Raj is exiting his office.
Raj: Go away. (Sheldon exits)
Sheldon: Curiouser and curiouser.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard (entering): Is he here?
Leonard: If he were, I wouldn’t be.
Raj: Do you know what he did. He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
Leonard: Is that even possible?
Raj: As it turns out, yes.
Howard: Something’s got to be done about him, Leonard.
Leonard: Like what? He’ll never be able to cope with the fact that some fifteen year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is.
Raj: Well, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a thr*at to Sheldon?
Howard: Then our problem would be solved.
Leonard: Hang on, are we talking about m*rder Dennis Kim? I’m not saying no.
Howard: We don’t have to go that far, there are other means available.
Raj: We can’t send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.
Howard: The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.
Leonard: That won’t happen, he’s not interested in anything but physics.
Howard: What about biology?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind.
Leonard: Howard, he’s fifteen.
Howard: Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Polmerry and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8.
Raj: She was sleeping with you?
Howard: No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did.
Sheldon (entering): Oh, good, you’re all here. Look, I’ve decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is you’re working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade, twelve years tops. (They stare at him.) Go away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me?
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment.
Penny (opening door): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?
Howard: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Howard, that’s r*cist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.)
Raj: It’s possible she may have misunderstood us.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door.
Gablehouser (entering): Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting?
Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.
Gablehouser: Oh, what are you working on?
Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.
Gablehouser: To what end?
Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.
Gablehouser: Who will come?
Sheldon: The Jewish people.
Gablehouser: What if they don’t come.
Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread.
Gablehouser: Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.
Sheldon: Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.
Gablehouser: Okay, well, uh, obviously you’re very busy with your… uh, um, come Dennis. You’ll have to excuse Dr Cooper, he’s been under a lot of… um… he’s nuts.
Sheldon (voice off, sings to a Mexican tune): Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…
Scene: The welcoming party
Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?
Goldfarb: Go away.
Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem.
Goldfarb: Please go away.
Sheldon: Said Pharoah to Moses.
Gablehouser: Why are all these young women here?
Leonard: It’s take your daughter to work day.
Gablehouser: Really, I was not aware of that.
Raj: Oh, yes. There was a very official email that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16.
Gablehouser: Hm?
Howard: Smooth.
Raj: Thank you.
Gablehouser: There’s the man of the hour.
Leonard: Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive age-appropriate women.
Howard: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them. (The look at Dennis, who is picking his ear.)
Leonard: Does anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj: We need a social catalyst.
Leonard: Like what? We can’t get fifteen year-old girls drunk.
Howard: Or can we?
Leonard: No, we can’t.
Howard: I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t.
Sheldon: Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me.
Leonard: Okay, we cannot leave this to chance, lets pick a girl, and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
Raj: Okay. How about that one.
Howard: Uh-uh. I know the type, cheerleader, student council, goes out with jocks, won’t even look at anybody in the gifted programme. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a set-up and you’re in the back seat of your mom’s car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
Raj: Are you crying?
Howard: No, I have allergies.
Raj: Okay, uh, how about her?
Leonard: Sure. If he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians, while you’re the one holding her head out of the toilet while she’s puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you, and they she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her, and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn’t even know you.
Raj: Okay, so not her either. How about her?
Howard: Interesting, kind of pretty, a little chubby so probably low self-esteem.
Leonard: I think that’s our girl. One of us should go talk to her.
Raj: I can’t talk to her, you do it.
Leonard: I can’t just go up and talk to her. Howard, you talk to her.
Howard: Oh no, she’ll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this.
Raj: You know, if we were in India this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop and we’d be done.
Leonard: Well, we’re not in India.
Raj: Alright, why don’t we do it your way then? We’ll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.
Leonard: Okay, that was uncalled for.
Raj: You started it, dude.
Gablehouser: Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family.
Sheldon (sarcastically): Welcome Dennis Kim.
Gablehouser: Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.
Sheldon: Youngest till the cyborgs rise up!
Gablehouser: And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr Dennis Kim. Dennis! Dennis!
Dennis: What?
Gablehouser: Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research.
Dennis: Um, no thanks. I’m going to the mall with Emma.
Gablehouser: Well, uh, well, uh….
Leonard: The kid got a girl.
Raj: Unbelievable.
Howard: Did anyone see how he did it?
Sheldon (to Gablehouser): Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Ladies and Gentlemen, honoured daughters. While Mr Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.
Howard: He’s back.
Leonard: Yeah, mission accomplished.
Raj: Forget the mission, how did that little yutz get a girl on his own?
Howard: I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Well, why do we go home alone every night, we’re still smart.
Raj: Maybe we’re too smart. So smart it’s offputting.
Howard: Yeah, let’s go with that.
Scene: The park. The four guys are carrying remote control rockets.
Howard: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station, and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
Leonard: I don’t know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman “you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants.”
Raj: Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It’s Dennis Kim.
Howard: Wow, I almost didn’t recognise him.
Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)
Leonard: Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Sheldon: Screw him, he was weak. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x12 - The Jerusalem Duality"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Howard is looking at his mobile phone.
Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There’s going to be a scene depicting Spock’s birth.
Raj: I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I’d like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn’t just conceive.
Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock’s dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears.
Raj: How come on Star Trek everybody’s private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose.
Penny (entering): Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it’s just going “aaaaaaa”.
Leonard: What did you spill on it?
Penny: Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish.
Leonard: I’ll take a look at it.
Howard: Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren’t fielding a team in the university physics bowl this year.
Leonard: You’re kidding, why not?
Howard: They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsbury Farm.
Penny: Wow, so in your world, you’re like, the cool guys.
Howard: Recognise.
Leonard: This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.
Penny: Zod?
Howard: Kryptonian villain. Long story.
Raj: Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)
Sheldon: Well count me out.
Howard: What? Why?
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Leonard: Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people.
Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
Penny: I want tickets to that please.
Leonard: Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you.
Sheldon: No, don’t.
Leonard: The needs of the many.
Howard: Outweigh the needs of the few.
Sheldon: Or the one. Dammit, I’ll do it.
Credits sequence
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions.
Howard: How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.
Leonard: The ladies?
Howard: Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.
Raj: I like it.
Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.
Raj: Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.
Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj: Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.
Leonard: Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour….
Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
Leonard: Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?
Sheldon: I will yield.
Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to thr*at to quit if he does not get his way?
Sheldon: He does.
Leonard: I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today’s physics bowl practice round. I’m Penny, and I’ll be your host, because apparently I didn’t have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn’t that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: f*re away. (Raj puts his thumb up.)
Penny: You know, it’s none of my business, but isn’t a guy who can’t speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?
Leonard: Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice.
Penny: Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil.
Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start.
Penny: Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.
Penny: That is correct.
Leonard: I knew that too.
Penny: Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Penny: Right.
Howard: Hey, I buzzed in.
Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork.
Howard: Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.
Leonard: Just ask another one.
Penny: Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)
Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.
Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it’s polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is w*r. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them?
Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers too.
Sheldon: Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD.
Howard: Alright, that’s it.
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: maybe we should take a little break.
Sheldon: Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): I agree.
Penny: What did he say?
Howard: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve.
Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Scene: The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.
Leonard: Can it wait, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Leonard: Why do they say AA?
Sheldon: Army Ants.
Leonard: Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.
Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?
Leonard: No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!
Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?
Leonard: Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.
Sheldon: No you didn’t.
Leonard: Yes we did, I just came from it.
Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet.
Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because you’re taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.
Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: It’s on, bitch.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So who’d he get to be on his team.
Leonard: He won’t say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar.
Raj: He’s using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you.
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard: That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
Leonard: Guys, let’s remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my room mate.
Howard: So?
Leonard: So nothing, let’s destroy him.
Sheldon (walking past): Gentlemen.
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard: Okay, we’re going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj: You know who’s apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV’s Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we’re not getting TV’s Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj: How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard: Gentlemen, I believe I’ve found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard: We can’t ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night’s chutney?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Sometimes you’ve got to take one for the team.
Raj: Yeah. Sack up, dude.
Leonard: Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie.
Leslie: Hi guys.
Leonard: Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I…
Howard: h*t that thang.
Leslie: Leonard, there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we’ve seen each other’s faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.
Leonard: There’s not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be.
Leslie: Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
Leonard: That’s all very comforting, but if it’s okay, I’d like to get on with my question now.
Leslie: Proceed.
Leonard: We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team.
Leslie: No thanks, I’m really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search.
Howard: Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you.
Leslie: Sorry.
Howard: Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano.
Leslie: Wait, you’re going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard: Yes.
Leslie: That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard: She’s in.
Scene: The Physics Bowl.
Penny: So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. You know you don’t have to stay for the whole thing.
Penny: Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting.
Sheldon (entering in his Star Trek themed shirt): Gentlemen.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Howard: Sheldon.
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
Penny: Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down.
Leonard: So, is that your team.
Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle?
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.
Leslie: Oh, ouch.
Dr Gablehouser: Okay, if everyone could please take your seats.
Leonard: Here’s your tee-shirt. (Hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.)
Leslie: PMS? It’s a couple of days early, but…
Leonard: No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
Leslie: Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking?
Gablehouser: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year’s physics bowl. Today’s preliminary match features two great teams… AA versus PMS.
Howard: All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.)
Gablehouser: Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?
Leonard: The Eta Meson.
Gablehouser: Correct.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Gablehouser: Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no s*ab isotope. (Buzz) AA?
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is Technetium.
Gablehouser: Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS?
Raj: Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect.
Gablehouser: Correct.
(Time shift)
Gablehouser: How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS?
Leslie: Shor’s Algorithm.
Gablehouser: Correct.
(Time shift)
Sheldon: 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.
(Time shift)
Leonard: Prevost’s theory of exchanges.
(Time shift)
Sheldon: Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N
(Time shift)
Howard: 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Gablehouser: Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
(Time shift)
Sheldon: A sigma particle.
(Time shift)
Leslie: Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth.
Gablehouser: Correct. Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question. The score now stands AA 1150, PMS 1175. So, for one hundred points, and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation.
Raj: Holy crap.
Leonard: What the hell is that.
Howard: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Leonard: Come on, think, Leslie.
Leslie: Leonard, it’s not going to work if you rush me, you have to let me get there.
Leonard: You’re never going to let that go, are you?
Gablehouser: Ten seconds. (Buzz) PMS.
Leonard: Sorry, I panicked.
Howard: Then guess.
Leonard: Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four.
Gablehouser: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
Howard: He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat.
(Sheldon looks more and more uncomfortable, so much he is involuntarily twitching.)
Gablehouser: AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)
Third Floor Janitor: The answer is minus eight by alpha.
Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?
Third Floor Janitor: Answering question. Winning physics bowl.
Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?
Third Floor Janitor: Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears.
Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.
Third Floor Janitor: You didn’t answer question.
Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!
Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.
Gablehouser: Then what is it?
Sheldon: I want a different question.
Gablehouser: You can’t have a different question.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied.
Sheldon: Informal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.
Gablehouser: Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
Sheldon: That’s your opinion.
Gablehouser: Alright, the winner of the match is…
Leonard: Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team.
Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.
Leonard: Go ahead.
Gablehouser: The winner is PMS!
(We Are The Champions by Queen plays as the team celebrate in slow motion and Sheldon puts his head in his hands. The celebration ends with Howard on his knees ripping his shirt in half and waving it round his head before throwing it to the audience.)
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.
Leonard: Sorry, somebody’s sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy!
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win.
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”
Sheldon: Alright that is very immature.
Leonard: You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not!
Penny (entering): Okay, new contest.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Leonard: Bring it on.
Penny: Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
Sheldon (after they look at each other in confusion): The Brady Bunch?
Penny: Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn!
Leonard: How do you know these things?
Penny: I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?
Sheldon: William Shatner.
Leonard: Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner.
Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart.
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Penny: Alright, singer who sang “Oops I Did It Again.” (Sheldon starts involuntarily twitching again.) Okay, Tweetie Bird, taught he taw a what?
Sheldon (after they pass a smug look between each other): Romulan.
Penny: Yes. He taught he taw a Romulan.
(Sheldon and Leonard do a victory hand slide.) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x13 - The Bat Jar Conjecture"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard: I don’t believe it.
Sheldon: I know, it’s basic culinary science.
Leonard: Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no-one is bidding on it.
Howard: A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
Leonard: No, a time machine from Sophie’s Choice.
Raj: Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it’s rough.
Howard: Oh, that’s cool.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Raj: It’s only $800?
Leonard: Yeah. And that’s my bid.
Sheldon: You bid $800.
Leonard: It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
Sheldon: There’s only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Howard: Do you have $800?
Leonard: Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Howard: Don’t worry, the way these things work there’s people waiting ‘til the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it, it’s called sniping.
Raj: Fifteen seconds.
Leonard: Come on, sn*pers.
Raj: Ten, nine, eight…
Leonard: Where are your sn*pers?
Raj: Five.
Leonard: Snipe.
Raj: Four.
Leonard: Snipe.
Raj: Three.
Leonard: Snipe!
Raj: Two.
Leonard: SNIPE!
Raj: One.
Leonard: Aaaa-aw!
Raj: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Sheldon: I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.
Howard: Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.
Raj: A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid.
Scene: The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine.
Sheldon: I understand why no-one else bid.
Credits sequence
Scene: The same
Raj: Did the listing actually say miniature?
Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.
Howard: It’s actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
Raj: Cocktain shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard: How are we going to get it upstairs?
Howard: If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard: Yes but the elevator’s been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard: Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I sh**t space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby’s broken.
Scene: The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push.
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
Raj (off): I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.
Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Raj: If my fingers ever work again, I’ve got a job for the middle one.
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, just, you know, moving… something upstairs.
Penny: What is it?
Leonard: It’s… you know, time machine.
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard: Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny: I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late.
Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny: You’re joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Penny: Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof.
Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind.
Sheldon: For what it’s worth, I thought it was humorous.
Leonard: Let’s just do this. Guys, ready to push?
Raj: In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up.
Scene: The living room. The time machine is set up.
Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.
Howard: Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj: Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard: You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that?
Raj: He’s got a point.
Sheldon: Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.
Leonard: Seconded.
Howard: I was going to put down a towel.
Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.
Leonard: That sounds fair.
Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?
Raj: Twice a month.
Sheldon: Then no.
Raj: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
Howard: Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.
Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too.
Leonard: So, when it’s your turn you can.
Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up.
Raj: Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
Howard: And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”
Raj: Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock.
Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328. Here we go into the future. (Pulls lever, the disk begins to spin. The other guys all run around the flat as if moving in fast motion.) That was fun.
Raj: My turn.
Penny (entering): Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the f*re escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.
Leonard: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Penny: It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…
Sheldon: Time machine.
Leonard: The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?
Penny: No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…
Sheldon: Again, time machine.
Penny: Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Penny: Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic. (Storms out. A b*at, and then…)
Raj: My turn!
Scene: Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon: It won’t change the past.
Leonard: But it would make the present so much nicer.
Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…
Leonard: Yes I’m upset.
Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Wow, I’m on f*re tonight.
Leonard: Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Leonard: Thanks for pointing it out.
Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Leonard: Those are movies.
Sheldon: Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd.
Scene: The stairwell. It is the previous day, and again Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push.
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, just, you know, moving a… time machine.
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard: No problem. (Removes glasses, pulls down out of order tape from lift doors, and forces them open.) Hang on. (Takes Penny in his arms as he holds onto the lift cable.)
Penny: But, what about your time machine.
Leonard: Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.)
Penny: Oh, I’m scared.
Leonard: Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)
Sheldon: It’s still my turn.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon: Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard: It’s not about money.
Raj (entering): We brought food.
Howard: Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travellers.
Leonard: Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?
Raj: Why?
Leonard: Because I don’t want it any more.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Just… personal reasons.
Sheldon: My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard: Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj: I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony.
Howard: Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage.
Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Sheldon: I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is.
Raj: Three hundred, and I’ll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
Leonard: No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I’m getting rid of all of it.
Howard: You can’t do that, look what you’ve created here, it’s like nerdvana.
Raj: More importantly, you’ve a Darth Vader voice changer?
Leonard: Not for long.
Raj: Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: Well you can’t just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon: Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding w*r.
Leonard: It’s not a bidding w*r, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.
Raj: Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?
Howard: Will you forget dibs!
Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it.
Raj: I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees.
Sheldon: What’s the exchange rate.
Raj: None of your business. Take it or leave it.
Howard (on phone): Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel.
Leonard: Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me.
Raj: Okay, Leonard, put down the box, let’s talk.
Leonard: Sorry Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon (moving to block his path): No. I can’t let you do this.
Leonard: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon (brandishing toy sword from Leonard’s box): None shall pass.
Leonard: Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.
Howard: Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here.
Penny (coming out of her flat): What the hell’s going on?
Sheldon: You hypocrite!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty!
Penny: Okay, okay look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said, I was just a bit upset.
Leonard: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No you didn’t. Look, you are a great guy, and it is things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts.
Leonard: Still, I think it’s time for me to get rid of this stuff and… you know… move on with my life.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Good for you. (Kisses his cheek.)
Leonard: Thanks. Hey, do you want to, I don’t know, later…
Good looking man coming up stairs: Excuse me. Hey, Penny!
Penny: Hi Mike.
Mike: Are you ready to go.
Penny: Yeah, I just have to change.
Mike: I’ll give you a hand.
Penny: Oh, stop it! Bye guys.
Leonard (after a long pause): My turn on the time machine.
Scene: A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701.
Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.)
Leonard: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine.
Leonard: It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big.
Leonard: I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)
Sheldon: Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x14 - The Nerdvana Annihilation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A corridor at the University.
Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it.
Raj: Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man.
Leonard (looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard): Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj: We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic att*cks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
Leonard: I don’t know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn’t have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What’s going on?
Howard: Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon’s office.
Leonard: Sheldon’s office? Is she lost?
Howard: Don’t think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
Leonard: Maybe she’s his lawyer.
Howard: Well she’s free to examine my briefs.
Leonard: Howard…
Howard: I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.
Girl: Well, that should do it.
Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey buddy.
Sheldon: Buddy.
Howard: Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all.
Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us?
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard.
Missy: It’s nice to meet you.
Leonard: You too, swell, also.
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: So, how do you two know each other.
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.
Missy: It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?
Howard: Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole.
Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)
Sheldon: Rajesh.
Credits sequence
Scene: The same.
Leonard: So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?
Howard: Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.
Missy: My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.
Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.
Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.
Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.
Missy: I guess that’s why they call you a genius.
Sheldon: They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.
Leonard and Howard together: Woah, woah.
Leonard: If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight?
Missy: Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.
Leonard: Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room.
Sheldon: No we don’t.
Howard: Come on, Shelly, she’s family.
Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.
Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.
Sheldon: And don’t ever call me Shelly.
Leonard: So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.
Howard: I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right?
Sheldon: What just happened?
Scene: The apartment.
Missy: So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic.
Sheldon: I needed a place to f*re ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits.
Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Missy: Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows?
Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.
Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical.
Penny (knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.): Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Leonard: Those are not mine.
Penny: Really, they have your little name label in them.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny.
Missy: Hi.
Penny: Wow, you don’t look that much alike.
Howard: Can I get a hallelujah.
Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj (running in): Hey, guess what. I’ve been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Penny: Hey, good for you, Raj.
Raj: Yes, I’m very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?
Missy: Well, there’s Dr Patel at our church.
Raj: Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man.
Howard: Do you like motorcycles, ‘cos I ride a hog.
Raj: A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front.
Howard: You still have to wear a helmet.
Raj: Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
Missy: The sex book?
Raj: The Indian sex book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us.
Penny (to Leonard): Hey, Sheldon’s sister’s pretty cute, I w….
Leonard: I wasn’t staring!
Penny: I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.
Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect.
Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I’m not ignoring my sister. I’m ignoring all of you.
Leonard: I brought snacks.
Missy: Oh my! Gherkins and….
Leonard: Onion dip, it’s onion dip.
Missy: Oh.
Leonard: We don’t entertain much.
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You’re welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You’re welcome!
Penny: Missy, I’m going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?
Missy: God yes. Thanks.
Penny: You’re welcome.
Missy: Bye guys.
Howard: Bye Missy.
Leonard: Bye Missy, see you.
Penny: Goodbye Leonard!
Leonard: Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.
Howard: Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj: Why should I back off, you back off dude.
Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment and she’s my roommate’s sister.
Howard: So what, you’ve already got Penny.
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!
Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?
Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Howard: I’m a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!
Raj: Hey, look at me, I don’t have a foreskin.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
Leonard: That’s fascinating, but I…
Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.
Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.
Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d g*n with that thought.
Leonard: That’s great, but I….
Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because she’s your sister.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways.
Leonard: Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.
Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring.
Sheldon: You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me.
Scene: The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting.
Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!
Howard: I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.
Sheldon: Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Howard: Who are you to decide that?
Leonard: He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.
Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.
Leonard: Say what?
Sheldon: It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.
Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about?
Raj: I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)
Sheldon: Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
Howard: Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?
Leonard: We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Raj: Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here.
Sheldon: How so?
Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.
Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
Raj (waving finger at him): I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
Howard: Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d k*ll my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.
Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.
Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Missy (who has just entered): Oh really?
Sheldon: Oops.
Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?
Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.
Leonard (to Penny who is standing next to him grinning): We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Missy: Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?
Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
Missy: What on earth are you talking about?
Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock?
Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.
Missy: Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy: You have got to be kidding me!
Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.
Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.
Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended.
Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)
Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal.
Missy: Go on.
Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area.
Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard: Look, we have to settle this.
Leonard: I agree. Sheldon’s sister is hiding at Penny’s because we’ve all been hitting on her at the same time.
Raj: She’s not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who’s apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
Howard: Oh, you poor, deluded bastard.
Raj: Don’t start with me dude.
Howard: You want to go again? Let’s go.
Leonard: Sit down.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honourable way.
(Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.)
Leonard: And he’s down!
Howard: Come on, come on, get up.
Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.
Sheldon: I weep for humanity.
Leonard: Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny’s door.)
Penny (answering): Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny, how’s it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Penny: Uh, pretty much, why?
Leonard: Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please?
Penny: Of course.
Missy: Hi, Leonard, what’s up?
Leonard: Well, since you’re leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you’d like to go out to dinner with me?
Missy: That’s so sweet. But no thanks.
Leonard: Oh. You have other plans, or…?
Missy: No.
Leonard: Oh. Alright uh… enjoy the rest of your evening.
Missy: Thanks. See you.
Leonard (returning): Um, here’s something we didn’t anticipate.
(Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.)
Penny: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: I’m fine, thanks for asking. I’ve come to call on Missy.
Penny: Missy?
Missy: Hi Howard.
Howard: The amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
Missy: Not really. No.
Howard: Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words “will you go out with me?”)
Missy: No.
Howard: Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads “are you sure?” Missy closes the door.)
(Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.)
Penny: Missy?
Raj: Thank you. I apprec…. (looks panicked) apprec…. appreeee…. oh-oh.
Penny: Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off? (Raj nods.)
Missy: Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you’d show up.
(Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.)
Missy: We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down.
Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending.
Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?
Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.
Missy: Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey.
Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)
Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.
Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?
Missy: Well yeah.
Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Missy: Goodbye Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x15 - The Porkchop Indeterminacy"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as “take him down” and “he’s got you, Sheldon.”
Penny: Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
Leonard: Oh, it’s called trestling.
Howard: It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport.
Penny: Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…
Sheldon: We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.
Raj: Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate.
Penny: So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant.
Penny: Okay, he can have carrot cake.
Sheldon: What about the cream cheese frosting.
Penny: he can scrape it off.
Leonard: Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum.
Penny: Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t think so.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: I don’t celebrate my birthday.
Penny: Shuddup, yeah you do.
Leonard: No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: Uh, that’s so silly.
Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?”
Sheldon: It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom’s special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Penny: Yeah, see, that’s what kids should have.
Howard: Actually that was last year.
Penny: So you’ve really never had a birthday party?
Leonard: No. But it was okay. I mean, when I was little I’d think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise me with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favourite.
Penny: And?
Leonard: Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died.
Penny: Oh my God, that’s terrible.
Leonard: Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins and there was cake, so…7
Penny: That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
Howard: You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard is exiting the apartment.
Howard (voice from inside): Make sure they remember no peanuts.
Leonard: Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can’t eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!”
(Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. Knocks.)
Sheldon (answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left.
Penny: I know. I want to talk to you.
Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat.
Penny: Okay, can you just let me in.
Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.
Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
Sheldon: I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.
Howard: Did someone say party?
Penny: He just doesn’t know he wants one because he’s never had one.
Howard: I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny: Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?
Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
Penny: Anguish?
Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.
Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity.
Penny: Nevertheless we are….
Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…
Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.
Scene: Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door.
Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)
Howard: What difference does it make?
Sheldon: The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators.
Penny: Is that Raj and Howard?
Sheldon: Possibly, but unverified.
Howard: Can you just let us in.
Sheldon: Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor.
Penny: So, what did you get the birthday boy?
Howard: Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Penny: Nice. I got him a sweater.
Howard: Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.
Sheldon: That’s because I didn’t bring one.
Penny: Well why not?
Howard: Don’t ask.
Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Howard: Too late.
Sheldon: Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
Howard: Told you not to ask.
Penny: Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon: I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.
Howard: Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it.
Penny: It’s a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.
Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.
Penny: Okay, let’s do this, um, I will drive Sheldon to get a present, and Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours.
Howard: No problem.
Penny: And then Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): What if guests show up?
Penny: Entertain them.
Howard: What if they’re women?
Penny: Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game.
Howard (entering): Hey!
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: How’s it going?
Leonard: Fine.
Howard: So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner.
Leonard: Seen it.
Howard: No, you’ve seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film.
Leonard: Oh. Pass.
Howard: Come on, afterwards there’s a Q & A with Harrison Ford’s body double.
Leonard: Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there’s this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard: Can’t you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.
Howard: Oh my God, do you smell gas.
Leonard: No.
Howard: Yeah, no.
Scene: An electrical store.
Penny: Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.
Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.
Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater?
Penny: Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.
Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.
Penny: Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.
Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.
Penny: Exactly.
Sheldon: Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying “oh, that did not feel good.”) Come on, come on, oh you clever little…. Come on, come on, take that!
Howard (picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.): Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh!
Leonard: What’s the matter?
Howard: This granola bar, there’s peanuts in it.
Leonard: Oh my God, why did you eat it?
Howard: I don’t know, it was just there.
Leonard: Well if I had a g*n there, would you have sh*t yourself?
Howard: Don’t yell at me, I’ve got to go to the emergency room.
Leonard: Now?
Howard: No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket.
Leonard: Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys.
Howard: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh…. (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it’s out of the washer. I’ll call you when it’s in the dryer.
Leonard (running in): Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.)
Scene: The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.
Sheldon: What do you think.
Penny (pointing randomly): Um, that one.
Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch
Penny: Oh, okay then this one.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.
Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.
Penny: Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?
Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike.
Penny: No?
Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike?
Penny: All of them.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Huh?
Penny: Okay, so we’re getting this one?
Sheldon: Yeah, I suppose.
Penny: Okay, let’s go.
Random woman: Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
Sheldon: I know everything about this stuff.
Woman: Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Penny: Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.
Woman: Thank you.
Random guy: Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?
Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.
Guy: I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.
Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon: Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?
Scene: The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter.
Howard: Excuse me.
Nurse: Fill this out, have a seat.
Howard: No, listen, see we’re throwing my friend a surprise party and I’m supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Nurse: Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: No, see, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I’m allergic to peanuts.
Nurse: Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a sh*t of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
Nurse: Is that all you need?
Howard: Yes.
Nurse: Get out of my ER.
Howard: No, you don’t understand.
Nurse: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
Howard: Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people.
Nurse, unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time.
Leonard (running in): Hey, sorry I couldn’t find a parking spot, how are you doing.
Howard: Bad, very bad.
Leonard: Really, ‘cos you don’t look like you’re swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home.
Howard: We can’t go home.
Leonard: Why not?
Howard: Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water.
Leonard: Alright, I’ll be right back.
Howard (into phone): Penny, look, I’ve got a problem.
Penny (with Sheldon in background at the head of a large queue of customers): Yeah, well so do I, look you’ve got to stall Leonard a little longer.
Howard: I don’t think I can.
Penny: You have to, we all have to be there at the same time to yell “surprise!”
Howard: Okay, you have to understand something, we’re in a hospital right now.
Penny: Why, is Leonard okay.
Howard: Leonard’s fine. I’m fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny: Okay, I don’t need your attitude, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard: Look, I’ve done my best but he wants to go home and I don’t know how to stop him.
Penny: Okay, how about this. You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party I’ll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: Don’t toy with me, woman.
Penny: I’ve got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I’ve got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who’s two tequila sh*ts away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)
Scene: The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer.
Sheldon: Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.
Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him.
Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.
Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.
Sheldon (to customer): Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system.
Penny: Keep walking.
Sheldon: Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password.
Scene: The hospital.
Leonard: Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
Nurse: No he’s not.
Leonard: Yes he is.
Nurse: Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don’t… (sees Leonard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap!
Howard: Pees hep me!
Nurse: Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away.
Howard: Fank-u.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they’re afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything.
Howard: I really don’t think the colonoscopy was necessary.
Leonard: You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party.
Howard: Oh, right, it’s your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it’s all over now.
Leonard: There is a party, isn’t there.
Howard: Maybe.
Leonard: Howard.
Howard: Are you mad?
Leonard: how could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about me.
Howard: Yeah, that’s why I did it.
Leonard: Alright. Here we go. My first birthday party.
(Opens door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively.)
Raj: Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise!
Time shift. View of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders.
Raj: Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don’t know where you are dude, but it’s really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh… (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there’s a girl taking her shirt off.
Penny: That’s my friend Carol. Remind me, I’ve got to introduce her to Howard.
Raj: Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker.
Penny: I’m so sorry you didn’t get your party.
Leonard: Oh, it’s okay.
Penny: Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.)
Leonard: Hey Penny, when, uh, when’s your birthday? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x16 - The Peanut Reaction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment living room
Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.
Howard: No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)
Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.)
Howard: What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.)
Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.
Howard: Well it’s not.
Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.
Howard: You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
Leonard (entering): Hey!
Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.
Howard: You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.
Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher.
Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I’d be more concerned by what they’re passing off as chicken.
Penny (storming in): I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead.
Penny (opening window): Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out.)
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop d*ad, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)
Sheldon: Okay, where were we?
Howard: Not now, I have a blog to find.
(Credits sequence)
Scene: Leonard approaches Penny’s door and knocks.
Leonard: Penny, are you okay?
Penny (voice off): I’m fine, Leonard, just go away.
Leonard: Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful….
Penny: GO AWAY!
Leonard: Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk.
Sheldon: Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk.
Raj (entering): Hey, look, I found an iPod.
Howard: It’s smashed beyond repair, what are you going to do with it?
Raj: What else? Sell it on ebay as slightly used.
Leonard: It was Penny’s boyfriend’s, they broke up.
Howard: Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.
Leonard: You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again.
Howard: Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.
Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Howard.
Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.
Leonard: What about “damsel in distress?”
Sheldon: Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply.
Leonard: I don’t care. She’s upset, I’m going over there.
Howard: Remember to sit on your hands a bit so they’re warm.
Leonard: I’m her friend, I’m not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Howard: What, so you’re saying that if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her, right there, right now, you’ll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I’m her friend. Not her gay friend.
Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is eating ice cream from the tub.
Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey, listen, I know you said that you didn’t want to talk…
Penny: I don’t.
Leonard (leaving): Sorry.
Penny: Wait.
Leonard: Wait, did you say wait?
Penny: Tell me the truth. Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers?
Leonard: No. No.
Penny: Okay, so I pick good guys, but turn them into losers.
Leonard: Of course not.
Penny: Well, it’s got to be one or the other, which is it?
Leonard: I’m sorry, what were the choices again?
Penny: I really thought Mike was different, I thought he was sensitive and smart. I mean, not you smart, normal non-freaky smart.
Leonard: Yeah, no, sure.
Penny: You know, and then he just goes and has to humiliate me by writing about me on his blog so the entire world can read it.
Leonard: Actually it’s not all that easy to find.
Penny: Yeah, really, well my friends at work found it, my sister found it, judging by my email a number of prisoners at the Michigan State Penitentiary found it.
Leonard: Okay, well, what exactly did this guy write, not that I need to know the details of your sex life, I just thought…. never mind.
Penny: Nope, you know what, you might as well read it, everybody else has, go ahead. Oh God, I just feel so betrayed and embarrassed. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Leonard: Okay, well, you know, this isn’t that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who’s open to expressing her affection in non traditional locales.
Penny: Oh God!
Leonard: Elevators, parks, movie theatres, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop?
Penny: Sandwich shop.
Leonard: Doesn’t that violate the health code?
Penny: No, at the sub shop we were only making out.
Leonard: Huh. Okay. But my point is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed.
Penny: Really, do you think I overreacted?
Leonard: Maybe a little.
Penny: ‘Cause I do that, I do overreact. Maybe I should call Mike and apologise.
Leonard: No. No, no, that, that would be underreacting. He did break the implied confidentiality of the bedroom and, in your case, the elevator, parks and fast food franchise.
Penny: Yes. You’re right. I should just say I’m done with him.
Leonard: Yes, you should, go ahead, say it.
Penny: But I never gave the man a chance to explain.
Leonard: What is there to explain, it’s all right here, it’s a betrayal.
Penny: No, you were right the first time, this is a man who loves me, but in his own stupid way he was just trying to show people how he feels.
Leonard: I’m pretty sure I never said that.
Penny: No, you did better than that, you helped me see it on my own.
Leonard: Aw, good for me. Where are you going?
Penny: I’m going over to Mike’s. Leonard, thank you so much.
Leonard: Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people.
Howard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I’m not getting tangerine chicken.
Leonard: Can we please change the subject.
Raj: Sure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend.
Leonard: Just roll the dice.
Raj (rolls and moves): Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7
Leonard: She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!
Howard: Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.
Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
Leonard: Just eat your tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I’d love to, but I don’t have tangerine chicken.
Penny (storming in): Thank you so much for your stupid advice. (Slams door again.)
Raj: Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw-up.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard (knocking and entering): I’m back.
Penny: I’m sorry I yelled at you. It’s not your fault.
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: Well, I went over to Mike’s to make up with him.
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I know that part.
Penny: But he had already moved on.
Leonard: Already, that was quick.
Penny: That’s what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
Penny: How could he do that.
Leonard: Oh, well, you know, you did throw an 8 gig iPod… yeah, no, how could he do that.
Penny: I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard: Yeah, that must get old quick.
Penny: You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me.
Leonard: What about me?
Penny: What about you what?
Leonard: What about if you went out with me?
Penny: Are you asking me out?
Leonard: Um… yes… I am… asking you out.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: I was just going off your comment about the nice guy…
Penny: No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard (continuing through Penny): …thing and honest but, it’s no big deal…
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: Yes what?
Penny: Yes, I will go out with you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard: Yeah. That’s the spirit.
Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod.
Sheldon: Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your…
Penny (tapping him on the shoulder): Sheldon.
Sheldon (jumping in panic): Aieee ya! Xia si wo le.
Penny: I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second.
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?
Penny: I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.
Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.
Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is.
Penny: All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process. (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be w*apon. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)
Penny: Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.
Sheldon: We’re not done?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway.
Penny: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out.
Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit.
Penny: Well, choose.
Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
Penny: Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time.
Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.
Penny: Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…
Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
Penny: Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are…
Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…
Penny: Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees?
Penny: No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.
Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare!
Penny: But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years.
Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time.
Penny: Thank you for the clarification.
Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.
Penny: Right, thanks.
Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.
Penny: Not the first one I’ve made today.
Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat.
Penny: Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about.
Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat.
Penny: Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A?
Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and d*ad.
Penny: I’m sorry, I don’t get the point.
Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.
Penny: Sheldon, what’s the point?
Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is.
Penny: Okay, so you’re saying I should go out with Leonard.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…
Scene: The University cafeteria.
Leonard (pointing): Two seats right there.
Sheldon (to two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats): Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you)
Leonard: Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.
Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.
Leonard: No, it’s about Penny.
Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down.
Leonard: I don’t think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon: Then don’t.
Leonard: Other people would say “why not?”
Sheldon: Other people might be interested.
Leonard: I’m going to talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would.
Leonard: Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous.
Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on.
Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.
Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of bl*wing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind.
Leonard: You’re not helping.
Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard: Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.
Leonard: Wow, that’s brilliant.
Sheldon: You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.)
Scene: Leonard approaches Penny’s door. He is wearing a suit. He knocks. Penny answers.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: come on in.
Leonard: Thank you. You look very nice.
Penny: Thank you. So do you.
Leonard: I made an eight o’clock reservation.
Penny: Okay, great, listen, um, maybe we should talk first.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. But before you say anything, have you ever heard of Schrodinger’s Cat?
Penny: Actually, I’ve heard far too much about Schrodinger’s Cat.
Leonard: Good. (He grabs her and kisses her.)
Penny: Alright, the cat’s alive, let’s go to dinner.
Scene: The Szechuan Palace.
Sheldon (in Mandarin): Show me your mucus! Your mucus!
Owner (in Mandarin): Blow your own nose and go away.
Sheldon (in Mandarin): This is not a tangerine bicycle.
Owner (in English): Crazy man. Call the police.
Sheldon (in Mandarin): No. Don’t call the library. Show me your mucus. (Leonard and Penny are seen entering, and then leaving again quickly.) Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen! Oy Vey! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "01x17 - The Tangerine Factor"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So you see, what you’re eating is not technically yoghurt, because it doesn’t have enough live acidophilus cultures. It’s really just iced milk with carragenin added for thickness.
Penny: Oh, that’s very interesting.
Leonard: It’s also not pink and has no berries.
Penny: Yeah, but it doesn’t really answer my question.
Leonard: What was your question again?
Penny: Do you want some.
Leonard: Oh, right, no, I’m lactose intolerant.
Penny: Right.
Leonard: So, gas.
Penny: Got it.
Leonard: Well, good night. (They kiss. Camera cuts away to a wall mounted security cam above the lift. Leonard spots its movement and shuffles Penny away.)
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn’t feel a draft.
Leonard: Why don’t we just go into your….
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard: No, no, I didn’t mean to go into your apartment to… go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I… I know what you meant, it’s just… it’s only our first date.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don’t we just figure out where we’re going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight Leonard.
Leonard: Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)
Cut to inside the apartment.
Raj: He’s coming. Screen saver.
Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?
Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
Howard: You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and b*rned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard: What are you talking about, the date went fine.
Raj: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard: Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. It’s like saying “I’m really enjoying this meal, I’m going to slow down and savour it.”
Howard: No, it’s like “this fish tastes bad, so I’m going to slow down and spit it out.”
Raj: You being the fish.
Leonard: I’m not the fish.
Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date.
Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, even I know that’s lame.
Leonard: Okay, alright, let’s assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong.
Howard: Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know what I’m getting into.
Leonard: I didn’t say anything like that.
Howard: Good, ‘cos they don’t work.
Raj: They also don’t care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that’s my home run swing.
Leonard: Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.
Howard: Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Raj: Nice close up, by the way.
Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard: That’s not a bad sign.
Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Raj: And the worst sign of all is, you’re here and not there.
Leonard: I’m not there because I’m taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.
Raj: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.
Credits sequence
Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts.
Penny (entering): Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates.
Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks.
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and b*at them with a rock?
Penny: Sheldon, may I ask you a question?
Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.
Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac?
Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.
Sheldon: That depends.
Penny: On what?
Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?
Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.
Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither.
Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.
Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I.e, I couldn’t become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.
Leonard: You could be Batman?
Sheldon: Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I’m Batman. See.
Penny (arriving): Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon (looking the other way uncomfortably): Hi Penny.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, if you’re not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see a movie.
Penny: Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.
Leonard: What about Saturday?
Penny: You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.
Leonard: Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?
Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.)
Leonard (chasing him): What does that mean?
Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.
Leonard: No I didn’t.
Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.
Leonard: What’s going on with you?
Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.)
Leonard: What’s wrong with your face?
Sheldon: There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said Good Day! (He leaves)
Leonard: Good day?
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and that’s served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day…
Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m working.
Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away)I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.
Penny: Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me.
Penny: Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?
Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.
Penny: Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (entering): Leonard, I’m moving out.
Leonard: What do you mean, you’re moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn’t have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kind of does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out.
Leonard: I’m still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t see how I could have made it any simpler.
Howard (entering): Hey, qu’est q’wass up?
Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pack.
Howard: That’s kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: It’s not you, Howard, he says he’s moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a band aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the T in often?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane.
Raj: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor.
Leonard: Where are you gonna live?
Sheldon: Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.
Howard: Bye (runs out.)
Raj: Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder?
Raj: I hate trains.
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous, you love trains.
Raj: Yes I do, come on. See you later Leonard. (Sheldon drops keys in bowl and leaves without a word.)
Leonard: This could work.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Sheldon: This is a very old building.
Raj: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Raj: Not until now.
Sheldon: I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it.
Raj: Well, if you’re not comfortable staying here, Sheldon…
Sheldon: I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo.
Raj: Terrific.
Sheldon (referring to Bollywood singing on television): Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Raj: Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress.
Sheldon: Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit.
Raj: How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prost*tute.
Sheldon: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Obviously you’re not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Scene: Howard’s house. The door rings.
Howard: Who is it?
Voice: Strippergram. (Howard opens door. Outside are Raj and Sheldon.)
Raj: Tag. You’re it. (Runs away.)
Howard: Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on f*re?
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor.
Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
Howard: Maybe you’d be happier on a park bench?
Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.
Howard: Do you want to switch?
Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
Howard: Get out of bed, we’re switching.
Sheldon: Now, only if you want to.
Howard: Just get in the bed!
Howard’s mother (off): What’s going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
Howard: We’re just talking ma.
Howard’s mother: If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers.
Howard: For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?
Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving.
Howard: So don’t look at it.
Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.
Howard: No kidding?
Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
Howard: What about Lee Meriwether?
Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
Howard: Well I’m glad that’s settled.
Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…
Howard: Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.
Howard: Oh for God’s sake.
Sheldon: But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. There is an urgent rapping at the door.
Leonard: I’m coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)
Sheldon: Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud.
Leonard: What’s with him?
Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.
Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!
Leonard: I still don’t know why you left.
Sheldon: I can’t tell you.
Leonard: Why not.
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!
Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.
Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard.
Leonard: I promise.
Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard: So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem?
Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard: Penny thinks I’m too smart for her, that’s ridiculous.
Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows.
Scene: The hallway. Leonard is outside Penny’s door.
Penny (opening door): Hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what’s been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about.
Leonard: First I want to say that it’s not Sheldon’s fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn’t drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard: Yes, but it’s okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there’s a simple solution. (Hands her a brochure.)
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here’s playing hacky sack, and this girl’s going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can’t date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard: Well, it’s really not that fancy, it’s just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard: That doesn’t matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it’s fine with you if I’m not smart.
Leonard: Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me!
FADE TO BLACK | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x01 - The Bad Fish Paradigm"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight.
Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever.
Leonard: Please let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.
Leonard: You’re nitpicking.
Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.
Howard: Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”
Howard: I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.
Penny (arriving with a man in tow): Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.
Sheldon: Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.
Penny: Okay, fine, whatever, um, you guys, this is my friend Eric.
Howard: Hello.
Leonard: Hi.
Eric: Hey.
Leonard: So, yeah, good to see you.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, it’s good to see you too. We should really go.
Eric: Yeah.
Penny(leaving): Bye guys.
Eric (leaving, to Howard): Like your hat.
Howard: Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward.
Leonard: It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.
Raj: By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?
Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.
Leonard: Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.
Sheldon: You’re wearing modern underwear?
Leonard: Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?
Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard: You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon: Don’t be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.
Leonard: Borrowed?
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: You know what, I’m happy that Penny’s moving on. It gives me the freedom to move on myself.
Howard: Are you saying that you’ve been holding back?
Leonard: Of course. Out of respect.
Howard: So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny?
Raj: Who were you respecting then?
Leonard: What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.
Leonard: Uh, what about that girl last year at Comic-con?
Raj: Doesn’t count.
Leonard: Why not?
Raj: What happens in costume at Comic-con, stays at Comic-con.
Howard: You’re only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard: What happened to you?
Raj: N-n-n-nothing happened to me.
Howard: It wasn’t your fault, Raj, he was dressed as a green Orion sl*ve girl.
Raj: H-h-h-how did we get on me, we were mocking Leonard for not moving on. Dude, you have totally not moved on.
Leonard: Yes I have, it’s just a matter of actually making a date with someone.
Howard: Like who?
Leonard: Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.
Raj: What about Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon: Oh no.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.
Raj: I think she’s smoking hot.
Howard: I’d h*t that.
Sheldon: You’d h*t particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud.
Leonard: Look, I like Leslie, but she’s not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Howard: Yeah, so, be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
Raj: Technically it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
Howard: You mean like you and Richard the sl*ve girl?
Raj: I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.
Leslie (arriving): Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, Leslie.
Leslie: Hey, dummy.
Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
Leslie: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.
Leonard: Uh, sure.
Sheldon: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.
Leslie: Wow. So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard: Where did you hear that?
Leslie: Actually I read it. Wolowitz texted me. (Shows him text.)
Leonard: Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep.
Leslie: I thought it was a pretty good one, I gave him an L-O-L. Anyway, it got me thinking, now that you’re unattached maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Leonard: Are you suggesting another bout of stress release.
Leslie: No, I’m all done with casual sex. From now on I’m fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Leonard: Really, what changed?
Leslie: It’s hard to say, I guess there’s just a time in every woman’s life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn’t know.
Leonard: Yeah, I can see how that would… a bunch of people?
Leslie: Anyway, I just figure it’s time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you?
Leonard: Oh, I’m flattered. So, how do you suggest we proceed?
Leslie: Your place, we’ll order Chinese, you’ll rent a movie, artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus.
Leonard: Sounds fun.
Leslie: I’ll leave the details up to you, I think it’s better if you assume the male role.
Leonard: Thank you, that’s very thoughtful.
Leslie: Great. Call me.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.
Leonard: Terrific.
Sheldon: You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.
Leonard: I kind of have other plans tonight.
Sheldon: But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.
Leonard: Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over.
Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over.
Sheldon: Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.
Leonard: Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking…
Leonard: Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?
Leonard: You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy?
Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.
Leonard: I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon: Well alright then.
Scene: The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs.
Penny: Sheldon? What are you doing?
Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.
Penny: Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs?
Sheldon: I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.
Penny: Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.
Penny: Well then don’t order popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.
Penny: Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop.
Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.
Penny: They have other things.
Sheldon: What do they have?
Penny: I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries…
Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws?
Penny: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: I don’t like bearclaws.
Leslie (entering): Heya Penny. Dumbass.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.
Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.
Penny: Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya.
Sheldon: Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.
Scene: The apartment.
Leslie: This is pretty good Orange Chicken.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s from Changs.
Leslie: Not Chows?
Leonard: No, Changs.
Leslie: What happened to Chows?
Leonard: It changed.
Leslie: Oh. So, how many children do you think we should have? (Leonard splutters and coughs) I’m sorry, that was a little abrupt.
Leonard: A little.
Leslie: I mean there are so many things to talk about before we discuss reproduction.
Leonard: I sure hope so.
Leslie: Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family?
Sheldon (entering): I’m sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue.
Leslie: Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance.
Sheldon (preparing an extension cord): Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)
Leonard: Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?
Sheldon: I have to make pee-pee.
Time shift to later.
Leonard: Listen, I’m sorry about all of Sheldon’s interruptions, he can be a bit of an eccentric.
Leslie: If by eccentric you mean passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole, I agree.
Leonard: Well, I think tonight was a very good start.
Leslie: Me too. You’re sure you’re okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
Leonard: No problem, I’m very skilled at postponing intercourse. So I guess I’ll call you and we’ll arrange another evening.
Leslie: Yes. I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I’m not repulsed by your cloying eagerness.
Leonard: Sure.
Leslie: Again, it’s your decision, you’re the man.
Penny (voice off, ascending the stairs): No, it wasn’t my cat, it was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
Eric (appearing round corner with Penny): From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
Penny: No, he was some kind of scientist, let me start again. Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hello.
Penny: Leslie.
Leslie: Hi.
(Penny turns and crosses hall.)
Leonard: Okay, well, goodnight. (Leans in to kiss Leslie.)
Penny: Okay, well, goodnight. (Grabs Eric and kisses him more passionately.)
Leslie (whispering): That ain’t going to make your point. (Grabs him and tries to out-passion Penny. The two couples get more passionate trying to outdo each other until Leonard grabs Leslie’s ass.) Okay, that’s enough. (Sweetly) Call me (exits.)
Leonard: Right (goes back inside flat. Closes door.)
Penny (breaking off kiss): Okay, goodnight.
Eric: What?
Penny: Had a great time, ciao (closes door.)
Scene: The university lunch room.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon: I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Raj: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.
Sheldon: You mean like Spock?
Raj: Sure.
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Leslie (arriving): Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon.
Leonard: Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.
Howard: Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)
Sheldon: If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
Leonard: Don’t make this hard for me.
Sheldon: It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.
Leonard: You’re right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.)
Scene: The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.
Sheldon: Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?
Penny: Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?
Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.
Penny: Your arch enemy?
Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Sheldon: Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
Penny: Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: She called me dumbass.
Penny: I know. I heard.
Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.
Penny: Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.
Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me.
Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know…
Sheldon: Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.
Penny: Are you going to let me talk?
Sheldon: I’m sorry.
Penny: You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.
Penny: Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.
Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon: Oh now you’re just making stuff up.
Penny: Okay. Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard and Leslie are kissing.
Sheldon (entering): When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I’d like to have a word.
Leonard: If the word is pee-pee, just do it.
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.
Leslie: Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
Sheldon: I’m listening, amuse me.
Leslie: Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours.
Sheldon: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Leslie: Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Leonard: Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories.
Leslie: No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t make that noise, it’s disrespectful.
Sheldon: I hope so, it was a snort of derision.
Leslie: You agree with me, right, loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Leonard: Sorry Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy not loopy.
Leslie: Well, I’m glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Leonard: Truth, what truth? We’re talking about untested hypotheses, uh, it’s no big deal.
Leslie: Oh, it isn’t, really? Tell me Leonard, how would we raise the children?
Leonard: I guess we let them wait until they’re old enough and let them choose their own theory.
Leslie: We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.)
Leonard: Wait, where are you going?
Leslie: I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)
Sheldon: Look on the bright side.
Leonard: What’s the bright side?
Sheldon: Only nine more months to comic-con.
Leonard: Oh yeah.
Scene: The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder.
Sheldon: Captain, I’m getting an unusual reading.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s great, you guys want corn dogs?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.
FADE TO BLACK | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x02 - The Codpiece Topology"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.
Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny: Yes, I can’t get my stupid door open.
Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?
Penny: Yeah!
Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.)
Penny: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.
Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I can’t get the damned key out.
Sheldon: Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.
Penny: Thankyou, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.
Penny (picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again): Oh, sonofabitch!
Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny: I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon: And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.)
Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny: No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.
Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.)
Penny: For God’s sake! (Stomps into apartment.)
Sheldon: Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Inside the apartment.
Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.
Penny: Sheldor?
Sheldon: The Conqueror.
Penny: What are you doing?
Sheldon: AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.
Penny: What’s AFK?
Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: OIC.
Sheldon: What does that stand for?
Penny: Oh, I see?
Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.
Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.
Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Can I see them in another colour?
Sheldon: Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Leonard, guess what, I’m a level three warrior.
Leonard: Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny: Yeah yeah yeah, shhh!
Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.
Penny: Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.
Penny: Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?
Sheldon: You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.
Leonard: Want to catch me up?
Sheldon: Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?
Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, I’m rich!
Sheldon: Level three and she thinks she’s rich! What a noob.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in cling film.
Raj: Okay, we’re all set.
Howard: Let her rip.
(Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing on the speaker.)
Penny (entering, carrying a laptop): Hi!
Leonard: Hey, check it out, it’s just corn starch and water.
Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard: That’s what makes it get all funky.
Penny: Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.
Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?
Penny: No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger.
Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.
Penny: Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?
Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?
Penny: Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?
Sheldon: No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)
Penny: Thank you, I really appreciate this.
Sheldon: You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.
Penny: Don’t patronise me, just get the sword.
Howard: What the frak?
Leonard: Beats me. They were playing all last night too.
Raj: It’s like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?
Leonard: No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic.
Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.
Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to k*ll the guard captain. (Leaves).
Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.
Penny (whispering): Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.
Penny: No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?
Sheldon: You’re in my bedroom.
Penny: Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon: People can’t be in my bedroom.
Penny: Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, wear different pyjamas.
Sheldon: I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.
Penny: Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?
Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.
Sheldon: Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.
Penny: Really? Boy, you’d think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians.
Cut to Leonard, exiting his bedroom.
Sheldon (off): Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep.
Penny (off): Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms.
Leonard (knocking on door): Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
Scene: Dr Gablehauser’s office. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk.
Gablehauser: People, I am very busy today.
Sheldon: I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.
Gablehauser: Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time?
Leslie: Dr Dumbass.
Gablehauser: Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises.
Sheldon: No she doesn’t.
Leslie: No I don’t.
Sheldon: Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
Leslie: It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.
Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!
Gablehauser: You need to get that Dr Cooper?
Sheldon: God, no.
Leslie: Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…
Gablehauser (as phone rings): Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It’s for you.
Sheldon: Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?
Leslie: Dumbass.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.
Leonard: Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone.
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Sheldon: I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard: You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I’ll go talk to her.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. She is on her laptop and talking into a headset.
Penny: No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don’t know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie!
Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey Penny.
Penny: Busy.
Leonard: Yeah, I see that. Shouldn’t you be at work?
Penny: I don’t work on Mondays.
Leonard: It’s Thursday. Listen, Penny.
Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard: Okay, um, here’s the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I’m about to level up here.
Leonard: Well, i-i-i-it’s just if a person doesn’t have a sense of achievement in their real life it’s easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope’s back online.
Leonard: Penny, you’ve got cheetos in your hair.
Penny (pulling cheeto out of hair): Oh, thanks. (Eats it.)
Leonard: Wow.
Scene: Same – later. Penny is attacking a multi-headed monster with a sword on the screen.A muscular warrior in a cape walks onto the screen.
Warrior: Hey Penny, it’s me again, Leonard.
Penny- warrior: Leonard, I said not now.
Leonard-warrior: Yeah, I know, I’m just a little concerned about you.
Penny-warrior: I said not now. (Chops off his head.)
Leonard-warrior’s head: Okay, maybe later.
Scene: The university lunch room.
Raj: Hey guys.
Leonard and Howard: Hey.
Raj (indicating Sheldon): Hey, what’s with him?
Leonard: Penny’s been keeping him up at night.
Howard: Me too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard: She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop.
Raj: Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.
Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon: Danger, danger.
Leslie (arriving): Afternoon men. Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.
Leslie: Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.
Sheldon: She comes into my room. No-one’s supposed to be in my room.
Leslie: Well, I would postulate that she’s escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration.
Howard: I do that too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard: That’s not what she’s doing, Leslie, she’s just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex.
Leslie: Everything has to do with sex.
Howard: Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.)
Leslie: I’m not touching that.
Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here.
Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
Howard: I’ll take the b*llet.
Leonard: Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Man: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to be?
Man: Uh, sure, why not?
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?
Man: Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)
Sheldon: There, problem solved.
Leslie: Dumbass.
Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.
Penny: Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.
Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?
Penny: 22.
Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)
Penny: Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?
Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?
Penny: I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies.
Sheldon: Frenzy stance.
Penny: Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!
Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.
Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!
Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny: That’s on the registration?
Sheldon: Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.
Penny: Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.
Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters. There is a strange man sitting on the sofa.
Leonard: Hello.
Man: Hi.
Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.
Leonard: Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.
Leonard: Chosen by science?
Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.
Leonard: You got Penny to sign up for online dating?
Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.
Leonard: This is bad.
Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the f*re department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.
Leonard: Really, really bad.
Sheldon: I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.
Penny (entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed): Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.
Tom: Hi Penny.
Penny: Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no t*nk.
Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.
Penny: No, no, no, no, I need you now.
Sheldon: But wouldn’t you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.
Penny: Whatever, I’ll figure it out myself.
Tom: Bye, Penny. I’m sorry, dude, she didn’t look anything like her picture.
Leonard: They never do.
Scene: Inside the game. Penny-warrior is standing next to a battle horse.
Warrior: Hello, fair Penny.
Penny-warrior: Who are you?
Warrior: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny-warrior: Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny: Oh my God, I need help. (Closes laptop and throws it away.)
FADE TO BLACK | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x03 - Barbarian Sublimation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is sorting out Chinese food.
Leonard: Let’s see, Raj was the Kung Palo Chicken.
Penny: I’m the dumplings.
Howard: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard: Who was the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce?
Howard: That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I’m not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: Sit over there.
Sheldon (entering, to Penny who is in his spot): Sit over there. Baby wipe?
Penny: What do you have….
Leonard and Howard together: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!
Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.
Leonard and Howard: O-o-o-oh!
Sheldon: I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
Penny: I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
Leonard and Howard: Why? Don’t!
Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Raj (entering excitedly): Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new… (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
Penny: Gosh, Raj, do you think you’ll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I’ll just, um, go eat by myself.
Leonard: Penny, you don’t have to do that.
Penny: No, it’s okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and… (indicates Howard) him, I’m better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)
Raj: She’s so considerate.
Howard: So what’s your news?
Raj: Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Leonard: Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen.
Raj: Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.
Leonard and Howard together: Well, wow, that’s incredible.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj: Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.
Sheldon: If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.
Raj: It’s pretty cool, they’ve got me in with a guy who’s doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who’s using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Howard: Oh, I’d so do her.
Leonard: You’d do the dolphins.
Howard: Do I get an honourable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.
Raj: Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard: Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.
Raj: It’s a lease.
Sheldon: I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Raj: Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon: What people?
Raj: The people from People.
Sheldon: Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?
Raj: Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.
Leonard: Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon: In general, yes.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making annotations on his board.
Sheldon: Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?
Leonard (entering with Howard): Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon: Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard: Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.
Leonard: Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon: Apologise, for what?
Leonard: Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.
Sheldon: I sense you’re trying to tell me something.
Howard: You were a colossal ass-hat.
Sheldon: Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard: Really, do tell.
Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard: Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon: I had not considered that.
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.
Howard: He can feel sadness?
Leonard: Not really, it’s what you and I would call condescension.
Scene: Outside Raj’s office.
Leonard: And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.
Sheldon: But I’m not.
Howard: Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my s*ab telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.
Sheldon: Fine, what do you want me to do?
Leonard: Smile. (He does, exaggeratedly.)
Howard: Oh crap, that’s terrifying.
Leonard: We’re here to see Koothrappali, not k*ll Batman.
Howard: Try less teeth. (Does. It isn’t much better.)
Leonard: Close enough, come on. (Knocking and entering.) Hi Raj.
Raj: Hey guys, what’s up?
Howard: We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Leonard: Celebrate your thirty under thirty thing. Right Sheldon? (He smiles.)
Raj: It’s very nice of you, I would like that.
Gablehauser (entering): Hello boys.
Raj: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehauser: Dr Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr Hoffstadter.
Sheldon: Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr Cooper.
Howard: Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
Raj: Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.
Gablehauser: I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.
Sheldon: Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Oh, sorry. (Smiles)
Gablehauser: Well, we’ve got to get you into a better office, something more suited to your status.
Raj: Really, you don’t have to go to any trouble.
Gablehauser: How about if I put you in Von Gerlick’s old office?
Raj: I’d rather have Fishbine’s, it’s bigger.
Gablehauser: Done.
Howard: Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
Sheldon: He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Damn, this is hard. (Smiles)
Gablehauser: Let me ask you something, what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard (after he, Sheldon and Howard whisper to each other): Science?
Gablehauser: Money.
Howard: Told you.
Gablehauser: And this boy’s picture in People magazine is going to raise us a pile of money taller than… well, taller than you (ruffling Howard’s hair.)
Howard: I have a master’s degree.
Gablehauser: Who doesn’t? Dr Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President’s dining room?
Raj: I didn’t even know there was a President’s dining room.
Gablehauser: It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.
Raj: Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)
Leonard: You can stop smiling now.
Sheldon: Aaaah!
Scene: A restaurant.
Raj: So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People magazine photo sh**t… have any of you boys ever been to a photo sh**t?
Leonard: No.
Raj: It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They sh*t me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon: Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.)
Raj: Excuse me. Oh, it’s my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard: Not yet.
Raj: Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can’t go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don’t know what I’d do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I’m finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Almost.
Raj: Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj: Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon: There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they k*ll him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
Penny (bringing another grasshopper): Here you go, Raj, you might want to drink this one slowly.
Raj: Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
Howard: Gee, I’d love to Raj, but I can’t make it.
Raj: Oh, okay, Leonard?
Leonard: Well, uh, no I… the… no.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I can make it, but I won’t.
Penny: What are you guys talking about?
Raj: Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
Penny: And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?
Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard: That would be cool. I’d go to that reception.
Penny: Come on, this is huge, Raj is going to be in People magazine. And he didn’t even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Raj: Would you like to go with me?
Penny: Of course I would, I would be honoured.
Raj: Really? Cool.
Penny: Shame on you guys. (Leaves)
Raj: Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Now. (They all get up and leave. Raj looks around himself, then leans over to the next table.)
Raj: Hey, buddy. I’m going to be in people magazine.
Charlie Sheen (turning round): Yeah, call me when you’re on the cover.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Raj in a suit knocks on the door with his foot as he has a glass of champagne in both hands. He drinks one. Penny opens door, she is dressed up also.
Penny: Oh, Raj, look at you!
Raj: I know, I am resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
Penny: Um, yeah, starting with the champagne a little early aren’t you?
Raj: It was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here, sip on this while you’re getting ready.
Penny: Oh, I’m ready.
Raj: That’s what you’re wearing.
Penny: Um, yeah, why what’s wrong with it?
Raj: Nothing, I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.
Penny: Yeah, well, this is all the donkulous you’re gonna get.
Raj: Okey dokey, let’s roll. Alright, it’s time to raise the roof. Oo-ooh, oo-ooh.
Penny (to Leonard who is just coming up the stairs): Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Dude.
Leonard: You look very nice.
Raj and Penny together: Thank you.
Penny: Uh, come on, good night Leonard.
Leonard: Good night.
Raj: Hey, Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs.
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: It’s bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
Leonard: Terrific.
Raj: It has more food too.
Penny: Alright, come on, come on.
Raj (leaving, singing): I’m coming up so you better get this party started.
Leonard (entering apartment): Hey.
Howard: Hey, good news, you don’t have to sulk about Penny any more, look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard: Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard: I’ll lend you my user name, it’s wealthybigpenis.
Leonard: You’re joking.
Howard: Well, you gotta make it easy for them, they’re just learning English.
Leonard: Pass.
Howard: So you’re just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?
Leonard: It’s not a date, and that’s r*cist.
Howard: It can’t be r*cist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.
Leonard: Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.
Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: What took you so long?
Leonard: Just sit down and eat.
Sheldon: Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)
Leonard: Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon: I want you to check before you accept the order.
Leonard: Sorry.
Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
Leonard: He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Sheldon: Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Howard: Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.
Sheldon: That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Leonard: Do the shrimpers feature in your story?
Sheldon: No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.
Howard: Lucky?
Sheldon: Yes, Lucky.
Leonard: He’s irony impaired, just move on.
Howard: Okay, d*ad cat named Lucky, continue.
Sheldon: While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of k*lling upon telepathic command.
Howard: So, not a puppy?
Sheldon: Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
Leonard: A griffin?
Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard: And mythological.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Howard: Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.
Sheldon: My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard: You want to breed a new friend?
Sheldon: That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.
Howard: Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.
Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t k*ll us to meet some new people.
Sheldon: Uh, for the record, it could k*ll us to meet new people. They could be m*rder, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.
Leonard: If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard: And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon: He should share our love of technology.
Howard: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard: Yeah, let’s see, money, women, technology, okay we’re agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is heard singing in a drunk voice through the door. He enters with his arm around Penny.
Raj: Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Penny: Yes, it’s very nice, goodnight Raj.
Raj: No, wait, the evening’s not over.
Penny: Yes it is.
Raj: No, it’s time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
Penny: Oh, wow, is the evening over.
Raj (as a ringing noise is heard): Wait, wait, that’s my mummy and daddy calling from India. I want you to meet my parents.
Penny: Wait, meet them.
Raj (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen): Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. I’m not drunk.
Mrs Koothrappali: Why would you say that?
Raj: Just making conversation. Mummy, daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
Penny: I am not your squeeze. There is no squeezing.
Dr Koothrappali: I can’t see her, centre her in the frame.
Raj: Here you go, cute huh?
Mrs Koothrappali: She’s not Indian.
Dr Koothrappali: So, she’s not Indian, the boy’s just sowing some wild oats.
Penny: No, no, there’s no sowing, no squeezing, and no sucking face.
Mrs Koothrappali: What if he gets her pregnant. Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren.
Raj: What right do you have to pick who I can have children with?
Dr Koothrappali: Look, Rajesh, I understand, you’re in America, you want to try the local cuisine. But trust me, you don’t want it for a steady diet.
Raj: Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one. Now if you’d excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs Koothrappali: What’s wrong with him?
Penny: I don’t know, maybe it’s the local cuisine. Okay, well, it’s nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I’m going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you’d be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.
Dr Koothrappali: She’s feisty. I like that.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. She is in her bathrobe. A note slides under the door.
Penny (opening door to find Raj outside): Raj, what are you doing. (He hands her the note). No. No notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj (tries several times. Finally, in a high pitched squeak): Sorry.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x04 - The Griffin Equivalency"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters, drops his keys in the bowl by the door, then collapses onto the settee. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area.
Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
Leonard: I’m not going to work.
Sheldon: Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.
Leonard: Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.
Sheldon: Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let’s go.
Leonard: Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements.
Sheldon: You did.
Leonard: And?
Sheldon: I didn’t. Let’s go.
Leonard: Goodnight, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But how am I going to get to work?
Leonard: Take the bus.
Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon: I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.
Leonard: Oh, you’re a big boy, you’ll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…
Penny (opening door): Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon: Leonard’s asleep.
Penny: Thanks for the update (begins to close door.)
Sheldon: No, wait. You have to drive me to work.
Penny: Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do.
Sheldon: But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.
Penny: Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay?
Sheldon: Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon, we are friends.
Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.
Penny: Oh, dear God.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Inside Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.
Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month.
Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s fine.
Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.
Penny: Uh, maybe the light’s broken.
Sheldon: Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
Penny: Do you have any alcohol?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Penny: Too bad.
Sheldon: You’re going up Euclid Avenue?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.
Penny: Well, good for Leonard.
Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh. Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?
Penny: How about we just have a little quiet time now?
Sheldon: All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.
Penny (Pulling over): Get out.
Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.
Penny: I said, get out.
Sheldon: Okay. I’ll give it a sh*t. (Gets out. Penny drives away.)
Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I’m ready to go home.
Leonard: I just got here.
Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.
Leonard: Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks.
Sheldon: No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work.
Leonard: Howard, help me out here.
Howard: No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side.
Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?
Leonard: How did you get here in the first place?
Sheldon: Penny. But I sense that’s no longer an option.
Leonard: Look, I need to get to the laser lab, you’re just going to have to find someone else to take you home.
Howard: Oh damn, I picked the wrong side.
Scene: Howard’s motor scooter. Howard is driving, Sheldon is on the back clutching him for dear life and screaming.
Sheldon: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh God, not Euclid Avenue! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Scene: Raj’s car.
Raj: Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road anyway?
Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.
Raj: Over what?
Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to k*ll me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?
Raj: I’m taking you home.
Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.
Raj: I have a better idea.
Sheldon: You want to go to pottery barn first?
Scene: Penny’s apartment, she opens the door, Sheldon is stood outside with his Star Wars sheets.
Sheldon: Can you drive me to Pottery Barn? (She closes the door) Maybe if I turn off the night-light, I can keep the sheets.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area. Everyone else is present.
Sheldon: Good morning.
All: Good morning.
Leonard: Sheldon, sit down.
Sheldon: She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot.
Penny: Sheldon, you know that we care about you.
Howard: And it’s because we care about you that we’ve decided we have to speak up.
Penny: You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.
Leonard: So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.
Sheldon: Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive.
Howard: This madness has to stop.
Leonard: Penny’s taking you to the DMV, I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: Why Penny?
Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight.
Penny: All right, come on Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hold on, I have one condition.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: We have to stop at Pottery Barn.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: And Radio Shack.
Penny: Fine.
Sheldon: And the comic book store.
Penny: All right! (They leave.)
Howard: Ooh, I want to go to the comic book store. (He leaves.)
Raj: I like comic books.
Scene: The DMV.
Sheldon: I just don’t see why I need a driver’s license, Albert Einstein never had a driver’s license.
Howard: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.
Penny: Well, how ’bout when you were 17?
DMV Lady (to the person ahead of Sheldon in the queue): Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application?
Sheldon: I’m actually more of a theorist.
Howard: The application in your hand, give it to her.
Sheldon: Oh.
DMV Lady: Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next!
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
DMV Lady: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon: Yes?
DMV Lady: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon: No.
DMV Lady: That’s because I don’t.
Sheldon: Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure.
DMV Lady: Look at the sign.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C.
Sheldon: I don’t need your help, Penny.
DMV Lady: Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next!
Sheldon: No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.
Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
DMV Lady: Here’s your learner’s permit. Go away.
Sheldon: But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.
DMV Lady: Don’t make me climb over this counter.
Penny: Come on, let’s go.
DMV Lady: Next!
Sheldon: Aced it.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is setting up a large kit of high tech equipment.
Howard: Okay, that’s it, let’s boot it up.
Leonard: Booting.
Howard: This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.
Sheldon: Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?
Howard: I haven’t configured it yet. Let’s see… Bradley t*nk… transport truck… Batmobile…
Sheldon: Ooh!
Leonard: No.
Howard: Here we go, red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena.
Sheldon (sucking in breath): Hmmmm?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.
Howard: Fine, what colour do you want?
Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?
Howard: Black it is.
Leonard: Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
Sheldon: I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.
Leonard: Okay, fasten your seat belt.
Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?
Leonard: You don’t need air bags.
Sheldon: What if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I’ll h*t you in the face with a pillow.
Leonard: Okay, now shift into drive, pull out slowly into traffic.
(General panic)
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Oh.
Howard: Oh.
Leonard: Watch out.
Howard: Oh God!
Leonard: Watch, watch out, watch out for pedestrians!
Penny: Oh God, wait, slow, h*t the brakes, h*t the brakes!
(Sounds of car crashing. Penny hits Sheldon in face with pillow.)
Sheldon: Thank you.
Scene: The same, only Sheldon and Leonard are present. Sheldon is practicing. There are sounds of squealing tyres and brakes and general panic and mayhem.
Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver…
Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
Leonard: Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
Sheldon: No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)
Leonard: Aw, the pet store?
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.
Leonard: So wait,you’re just gonna give up?
Sheldon: No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.
Leonard: So what is it you’re doing?
Sheldon: I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?
Leonard: I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that.
Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a h*m* Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.
Leonard: Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive!
Sheldon: No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.
Leonard: It’s never safe.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I know that now.
Leonard: Fine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior h*m* Novus get to work tomorrow morning?
Sheldon: h*m* Novus doesn’t know.
Leonard: Well, hang in there, maybe you’ll evolve into something with wings.
Scene: A corridor in the university. Sheldon emerges from his office in a shower cap and bathrobe. The others are turning the corner.
Sheldon: Good morning, gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Good morning. Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don’t know about?
Leonard: No, he lives here now.
Howard: Really? Why?
Leonard: Well, since he won’t take the bus and he’s too evolved to drive, he decided it would be easier to just sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I’m finished with my experiment.
Raj: But you finished your experiment a week ago.
Leonard: Yep
Scene: The cafeteria, late at night. Two cleaning ladies enter and find a plate with toast crusts.
Cleaning Lady 1 (in Spanish, subtitles): Oh my God, again?
Cleaning Lady 2: It must be rats.
Cleaning Lady 1: Rats don’t make toast and cut off the crust.
(They are startled by a noise. One of them drops the plate, it smashes on the floor. Sheldon is by the drink machine, he is wearing a cloak with a hood)
Sheldon: You saw nothing! (Sweeps hood around himself and vanishes through cafeteria door.) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x05 - The Euclid Alternative"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A lecture room at the university.
Leonard: So, if any of you are considering going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I’m sorry that the demonstration didn’t quite work out, but now we know what happens when you accidentally spill peach Snapple into a helium neon laser. Short answer is… don’t. And now to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon (off): Forget it.
Leonard: Excuse me. Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon (off): It’s a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard: If you don’t do this, I won’t take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon (entering): Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard.
Leonard: Laser demonstration’s looking pretty good now, huh?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: I love this time of the year. The leaves are turning, there’s a bracing chill in the air.
Howard: Plus there’s a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable. That’s right, honey, have another calzone, Daddy can wait.
Raj: Isn’t there a university policy against dating graduate students?
Leonard: No, if you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Raj: Damn, there’s always a catch.
Leslie Winkle (entering): Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey, Leslie.
Leslie: So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.
Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.
Girl (arriving): Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant.
Sheldon: That is the prevailing opinion.
Leslie: Oh, now I’m gonna throw up.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.
Ramona: Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons?
Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.
Howard: Woof.
Sheldon: The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.
Ramona: Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.
Sheldon: It’s what I do.
Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.
Ramona: Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?
Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.
Howard: I do. I love me a cup of joe.
Ramona: Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner?
Sheldon: I do eat dinner.
Ramona: Great. I know a terrific little Italian place.
Sheldon: I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.
Ramona: Excuse me?
Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.
Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.
Ramona: What if I brought food to your place?
Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.
Ramona: You got it. I already have your address.
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon: Yes. Apparently I’m getting a free dinner.
Scene: The apartment building lobby. Ramona is waiting by the lift. Penny enters.
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, this thing’s majorly out of order. (Picking up out of order sign) See? Sorry.
Ramona: That’s okay. Guess I’m taking the stairs.
Penny: Where you going?
Ramona: 4-A.
Penny: Oh, are you here to see Leonard?
Ramona: No, Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Dr. Sheldon Cooper?
Ramona: We’re having dinner.
Penny: Sheldon Cooper? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis?
Ramona: He is cute, isn’t he?
Penny: Sheldon Cooper?
Scene: The apartment. Leonard opens the door, Ramona and Penny are outside.
Ramona: Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, Ramona. Come on in.
Ramona: Thanks. Where should I put this?
Leonard: Uh, the kitchen’s fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing?
Penny: I need to see this.
Leonard: Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.
Sheldon: Oh, hello.
Ramona: Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?
Ramona: So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
Sheldon: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.
Ramona: I’m sorry I didn’t bring enough for your friends. I assumed we were going to be alone.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. No, we were just going.
Howard: To watch, right?
Leonard: No, come on, now, we’re going out.
Penny: Oh, come on, we’ll be quiet.
Leonard: Let’s go. Okay, you two, just, have a nice… whatever this is.
Penny (in hallway): Okay, you guys, look, I know this is none of my business, but I just, I have to ask, what’s Sheldon’s deal?
Leonard: What do you mean “deal”?
Penny: You know, like what’s his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets?
Leonard: Honestly, we’ve been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we’ve formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I’m an advocate of mytosis.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and someday he’ll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
Leonard: Hey, do you want to hang out with us?
Penny: What are you guys gonna do?
Leonard: Uh…
Howard: My mom’s making a brisket tonight.
Leonard: The one with the little onions? Mmm.
Penny: Yeah, I’m busy, so, goodnight.
Howard: Her loss. Let’s go.
Raj: Brisket party! B-to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K… To-the-E-to-the-T… Ooh…
Leonard: Don’t.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey, aren’t you having breakfast?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?
Sheldon: Not in these pants.
Leonard: So, how’d it go with Ramona last night?
Sheldon: Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.
Ramona (arriving): Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette .
Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it?
Ramona: Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant.
Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.
Ramona: Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.
Sheldon: You don’t tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte.
Leonard: Touche.
Leslie (arriving): Morning.
Leonard: Ah, hey Leslie.
Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.
Ramona: There won’t be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.
Leslie: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I’ll let you keep your lunch money today.
Ramona: Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard)
Leonard: Wait for me.
Ramona: So have you worked out the neutrino issue?
Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.
Ramona: You’re so witty.
Sheldon: Aren’t I?
Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door which then opens and Penny enters.
Penny: Hey, guys, this package came for y…
(Sheldon is sitting in his usual seat, typing on his laptop. One foot is in a foot spa. Ramona is pumicing the other.)
Ramona: Dr. Cooper is working.
Sheldon: Yes, I’m close to a breakthrough. Ooh, it tickles
Penny: Sorry. (Puts package down and leaves. In hallway, shudders) Holy crap on a cr*cker.
Leonard: Hey, Penny.
Penny: Hi. You know, you probably don’t want to go in there.
Leonard: Why? What are they doing?
Penny: You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist’s office with dolls.
Leonard (enters): Hoo-boy.
Ramona: Dr. Cooper’s working.
Leonard: Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.
Ramona: You’re not going to Halo night.
Sheldon: Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>
Ramona: Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and
unconditional dedication of our entire lives”?
Sheldon: He did.
Ramona: And who was that great man?
Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard: Seriously? You’re not coming?
Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me?
Leonard: Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.
Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.
Ramona: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games.
Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.
Ramona: Not if he wants a Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?
Ramona: What do you think?
Sheldon: Drat.
Ramona: Now shall we get back to work?
Sheldon: I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it.
Montage of scenes: To the sound of “You Can Be My Yoko Ono” by Barenaked Ladies we see 1. the guys set off for paintball while Sheldon, dressed in paintball gear, sadly waves them goodbye, 2. Ramona catch Sheldon hiding behind the shower curtain playing on a Nintendo DS, 3. Ramona remove a book Sheldon is reading to reveal a Batman comic underneath, 4. Sheldon escape the apartment in his paintball gear only to be chased back inside by Ramona returning with groceries, she finds him sitting in his underpants with his paintball helmet still on.
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, in a low voice): Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time.
Sheldon: Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.
Penny: Get rid of her how?
Sheldon: I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.
Penny: Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.
Ramona (off): Dr. Cooper?!
Sheldon: Hide me.
Penny: Hide you?
Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.
Ramona: Why aren’t you working?
Sheldon: Um… she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do.
Penny: Oh, man.
Ramona: I know what’s going on here.
Penny: Really? Well, then will you explain it to me?
Ramona: You’re in love with Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Uh, yeah, no, that’s not it.
Ramona: Don’t try to deny it. He’s a remarkable man, but you have to let him go.
Penny: Oh, gee, okay.
Ramona: I know it’s hard, but he’s a gift to the whole world, and we can’t be selfish.
Penny: Yeah, he’s a gift all right.
Ramona: Sisters?
Penny: Um, sure, sisters. (Ramona leaves.) Holy crap on a cr*cker.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. He is asleep. There is a tapping on the wall. He wakes up.
Leonard: Sheldon? (Pause, then more tapping) What are you doing?!
Sheldon: It’s Morse code.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall.
Leonard: We are communicating through the wall.
Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.
Leonard: I don’t know Morse code.
Sheldon: It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning!
Sheldon: All right.
Leonard: Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on?
Sheldon: Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.
Leonard: I know. When is she going home?
Sheldon: Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.
Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth.
Sheldon: Come on! Don’t nitpick!
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.
Leonard: The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod.
Sheldon: Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.
Ramona (entering): Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: Now! Do it!
Ramona: You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.
Sheldon: Godzilla clause?
Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo.
Sheldon: Rats.
Scene: The living room. Sheldon is surrounded by whiteboards.
Sheldon (excitedly): I’ve got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates!
Ramona: It’s unbelievable! It’s paradigm-altering!
Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you.
Ramona: Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement.
Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?
Ramona: Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?
Sheldon: Who’s Nowitzki?
Ramona: I’m Nowitzki.
Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit?
Ramona: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Get out!
Scene: The hallway, Ramona is leaving.
Penny: Oh, hey, hi.
Ramona: Oh, bite me!
Penny: Sisters?
Scene: The cafeteria. A red haired girl approaches the table.
Girl: Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away.
Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler.
Kathy: Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain?
Sheldon: Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.
Kathy: Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address.
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you see what just happened here?
Sheldon: Yes, I’m getting a free pizza. I’m on a roll.
Scene: The living room. The guys are eating.
Sheldon: More Pad Thai, please.
Howard: Sheldon, you’ve already had four servings.
Raj: You might want to slow down a bit, buddy.
Sheldon: Just one more bite.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: I’m just so… full.
(Sheldon begins to shake uncontrollably, then expand, then a second Sheldon separates from the original Sheldon and ends up sitting next to him. Leonard wakes up in bed with a start.)
Leonard: That’s it. No more Thai food. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x06 - The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Boggle. There is a Klingon dictionary on the table.
Sheldon: Time. Alright Klingons, pencils down.
Leonard: Okay, I have pokh.
All: Have it. Got it.
Leonard: Potl.
All: Yup. Have it. Have it.
Leonard: Pukhpa.
All: Have it. Got it. Yup.
Howard: I have Chorrr.
Raj & Sheldon: Got it. Yup.
Howard: Nekhmakh.
Raj & Sheldon: Yeah. Yeah.
Howard: And Kreplach.
Raj: Hold on a second. Kreplach?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: That isn’t Klingon, it’s Yiddish for meat-filled dumpling.
Howard: Well, as it turns out, it’s also a Klingon word.
Leonard: Really? Define it.
Howard: Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling.
Raj: Judge’s ruling?
Sheldon: Bilurrrbe.
Penny (entering): Hey, guys, I need to use your TV.
Sheldon: What’s wrong with your TV?
Penny: I don’t know, it just died, I’m getting a bunch of static.
Howard: Did you pay your cable bill?
Penny: You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off America’s Next Top Model.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…
Leonard: No, no, don’t tell her.
Sheldon: …playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aw!
Howard: What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds?
Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.
Penny: Fine.
Sheldon: All right, Boggle warriors, kapla’!
Howard: Look at those women.
Leonard: They’re gorgeous.
Sheldon: Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun.
Howard: Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Is qochbe’ spelled with a (gargling) or a (guttural grunt)?
Howard: Why is that Mrs. Wolowitz crying?
Penny: Oh. That’s Anais, none of the other girls in the house like her.
Howard: House? What house?
Penny: They all live in a house together.
Howard: A house, where?
Penny: I don’t know. Somewhere in L.A.
Howard: Wait a minute, you’re telling me that I’m within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
Penny: Yeah, I guess.
Howard: And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights?
Leonard (to Penny who has got up to leave): Hey, wh-where are you going?
Penny: To pay my cable bill.
Sheldon: All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those?
Credits Sequence.
Scene: The living room. Howard and Raj are staring intently at the television. Leonard enters.
Leonard: Did I miss anything? Did they kick Giselle off?
Raj: Not yet, but her underwater photo sh**t was an embarrassment.
Howard: Sadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine. Lucky for her I like my fashion models pruny and bug-eyed.
Leonard: Sheldon, the food’s here.
Raj: There’s the house, freeze frame, freeze frame.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Raj: Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels.
Leonard: Why?
Howard: Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Individual relish packets?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Onion rings?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Extra breading?
Leonard: I asked.
Sheldon: What did they say?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Did you protest?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Vociferously?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?
Leonard: Just eat.
Penny (entering): Hey, guys, what’d I miss? What’d I miss?
Howard: Giselle’s hanging by a thread.
Penny: Oh, good, I hate her.
Howard: Then you’re not invited to our wedding.
Leonard: Here you go.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?
All: Yes.
Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.
Leonard: Put it on the agenda.
Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.
Leonard: Oh, I’ll make a motion, but you’re not going to like it.
Sheldon: Fine. Mock Parliamentary procedure. At least put it on mute.
Penny: Oh, Giselle’s not getting kicked off. It’s totally going to be Summer. (She picks up one of Sheldon’s onion rings. Raj lets out a high pitched squeak and points.) What?
Leonard: Sheldon’s onion ring. Just put it back!
Penny: It’s one onion ring.
Howard: Just put it back before he comes!
Leonard: No, no, no, no, I don’t think that’s where it was.
Howard: Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence.
Sheldon: Who touched my…
All: Penny! Penny did it.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Penny: I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal?
Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.
Penny: All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.
Penny: A sports metaphor?
Sheldon: Yes, baseball.
Penny: All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike?
Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.
Penny: I did?
Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?
Penny: Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats.
Sheldon: I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two.
Leonard: Don’t worry. They only stay on your record for a year.
Howard: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
Penny: Come on, I touched one onion ring.
Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
Penny: Oh, honey, the buses don’t go where you live, do they?
Sheldon: Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
Leonard: Congratulations. You’re officially one of us.
Howard: One of us, one of us.
Penny: Well, what a thrill.
Sheldon: You’re sitting in my spot.
Penny: Oh, jeez, you’ve got to be kidding me.
Sheldon: Leonard, she’s in my spot.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.
Penny: I don’t care. I’m taking a stand. Metaphorically.
Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Strike three.
Penny: Ooh, strike three.
Scene: The hallway, Penny exits the guys apartment.
Penny: I’m banished? What the hell kind of crap is that?
Leonard: Listen, don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.
Penny: Yeah, you do that.
Leonard: Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class? You can do it online!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Howard: So based on our triangulation we’ve narrowed down the location of the top model house to three square miles in the Hollywood Hills.
Raj: Or possibly Durham, North Carolina.
Howard: When we find it, you want to go with us?
Leonard: To do what?
Raj: Party with the pretty girls, dude!
Leonard: Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard: That’s what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon.
Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America’s top models.
Raj: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
Penny (arriving): Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up.
Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Penny: Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.
Sheldon: You can’t do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, no, there’s a new policy. No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard: I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
Leonard: Penny, can I talk to you for a minute? Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Look, here’s the thing, um, I talked to Sheldon and he feels terrible and he agrees that he was unreasonable and out of line.
Penny: Really? Well, that’s great.
Leonard: Yeah, so just apologize to him, okay?
Penny: What? I’m not going to apologize to that nutcase.
Leonard: Oh, come on, it’s easy, he’ll even tell you what to say.
Penny: Leonard, don’t you get it? If you guys keep going along with his insanity, you’re just encouraging him.
Leonard: We’re not encouraging. It’s more like knuckling under.
Penny: Look, I like hanging out with you guys, but I’m not going to apologize for something I didn’t do.
Leonard: Well, actually, technically, you did do it.
Penny: That’s strike one, Leonard.
Scene: The same, some minutes later.
Penny: There you go, quesadilla, salad, there’s your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Go ahead, eat it. I dare you
Scene: The living room. Howard on his laptop.
Howard: That’s it. There’s the house, I found America’s top models!
Raj: Are you sure?
Howard: Look, on the roof, Anais and Giselle are sunbathing. European-style.
Leonard: You can recognize people on Google Earth?
Howard: Of course not, I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over.
Leonard: NORAD? You’re using military aircraft?
Howard: It was already targeted to poke around a nuclear reactor in Siberia, I took it an hour out of its way, tops.
Penny (entering, angry): Okay, where is he?
Leonard: Sheldon? I just dropped him off at the comic book store. Why?
Penny: Here. Try and go online.
Leonard: Problem with the WiFi?
Penny: No, just try.
Sheldon (on screen): Greetings, hamburger toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our WiFi. If you want to remedy the situation you can contact the phone company, set up your own WiFi and pay for it, or you may apologize to me.
Penny: Well?
Leonard: I reiterate, knuckle under.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no. It is on. I am gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Leonard: Oh, Penny, you don’t want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don’t care, I was in junior rodeo, I can hogtie and castrate him in 60 seconds.
Howard: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.
Leonard: There, see? Problem solved.
Howard: Voila!
Sheldon (voice from Howards laptop): Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard: What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is backing out of the apartment. Penny is waiting outside.
Sheldon: Oh! Hello.
Penny: Time to do your laundry, huh?
Sheldon: It’s Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.
Penny: I know. Every Saturday at 8:15, easy to anticipate.
Sheldon: What are you implying?
Penny: I’m implying that you’re a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass.
Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon, holding his laundry, is looking at the machines in dismay.
Penny: Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?
Sheldon: No problem, I’ll just do my laundry another night.
Penny: Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Sheldon: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.
Scene: The hallway, Penny comes storming up the stairs to the guys door.
Penny (Knock, knock, knock): Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes?
Penny: Where are my clothes?
Sheldon: Your clothes?
Penny: Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone.
Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?
Penny: Sheldon, where are my clothes?
Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?
Penny: How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!
Penny: Get them down.
Sheldon: Apologize.
Penny: Never.
Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.
Penny: Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?
Sheldon: I’ve done no stupid things.
Penny: Look, you’ve got to meet me halfway here.
Sheldon: I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.
Leonard: Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened?
Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.
Leonard: Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do?
Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.
Leonard (looking out of window): A-a-a-aw!
Sheldon: Mwah-ha-ha.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Leonard enters. Penny is taping together a number of long sticks.
Penny: Telephone wires can’t electrocute you, can they?
Leonard: No. Look, this has to stop.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no. It is just beginning.
Leonard: All right, I really didn’t want to do this, but… here.
Penny: What’s this?
Leonard: Sheldon’s Kryptonite.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: He can never know that I gave that to you.
Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but, but this?
Leonard: It’ll shorten the w*r by five years and save millions of lives.
Scene: The living room.
Raj: Oh, pause it. That’s it. Confirmed. We now have the address of the top model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record what you’re doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.
Leonard (into phone, which has just rung): Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you.
Sheldon: Who is it?
Leonard: Your mother.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me?
Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.
Penny: Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon: Well played.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility.
Penny: Understood.
Scene: The top model house. The doorbell rings. One of the models answers. Howard and Raj are outside wearing blue jumpsuits.
Model: Can I help you
Howard: Yes, we here to fix the cable.
Model: I think we have satellite.
Howard: That’s what I meant.
Model: Oh. Okay, come on in.
Howard: She’s taller than all the women in my family combined.
Raj: What do we do now?
Howard: Follow Mrs. Wolowitz. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x07 - The Panty Pinata Polarization"} | foreverdreaming |
cene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don’t want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.
Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.
Raj: I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It’s very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Raj: Okay, I think I got it. (They prepare)
Together: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock! (Both hold up the symbol for Spock) Oh!
Howard (entering, wearing an eye patch): Hello, boys.
Leonard: Ahoy, matey.
Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Leonard: Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pinkeye.
Howard: Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs.
Raj: What are negs?
Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like “Normally, I’m not turned on by big teeth, but on you, they work.” I’ve got a whole list of ‘em. Who wants to be my wingman?
Leonard: You’re not gonna need wingman, you’re gonna need a paramedic.
Penny (entering): Howard, your scooter’s blocking my car. Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair? (She reaches out, pulls his eye patch away from his face, then lets go allowing the elastic to spring it back into place.)
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
Howard: Ow.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The same.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Leonard: Well, I want to watch it now.
Sheldon: Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment.
Leonard: Watch whatever you want.
Raj: I saw what you did there.
Sheldon: What did I do?
Leonard (answering phone): Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there.
Sheldon: What happened?
Leonard: Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.
Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.
Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?
Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I.
Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
Leonard: Can we just forget I said Defcon and go?
Raj: Star Trek V!
Scene: A corridor at the university
Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best?
Raj: I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan.
Howard: Oh, thank God, you’re here.
Leonard: What’s the emergency?
Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars!
Woman (peering out of door): Howard, is everything okay?
Howard: Yeah, baby, I’ll be right in.
Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?
Howard: Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish.
Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?
Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?”
Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?
Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she’s here. She doesn’t exactly have clearance.
Sheldon: Really? They don’t let strange women from h*nky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?
Howard: Yes, I was bad. Maybe she’ll spank me. Can we please move on?
Girl: Hey, Howard, you know, it’s getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what?
Howard: Yeah. No. I’m sorry, but something’s come up. Kind of a Mars Rover, Mars Rover, can Howard come over, situation. So my friend Leonard is gonna take you home.
Girl: Oh, okay. Let’s go, friend Leonard.
Leonard: Okay.
Howard: I’ll call ya.
Girl: Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one’s a scientist like Howard.
Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.
Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.
Scene: Leonard’s car. Leonard and the girl are kissing.
Girl: I’m sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard’s a terrific guy. He’s got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Girl: I really like that you’re such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a sh*t with you?
Girl: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard: Then why did you?
Girl: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard: Got it. So, can I see you again?
Girl: You’re not gonna see me now.
Leonard: Ooh. Cool.
Scene: The Mars Rover control room.
Howard: Anything?
Raj: Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding.
Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Howard: Hang on, there’s got to be other options.
Raj: You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years.
Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Snap what?
Howard: OK, I guess we have to turn to Plan B.
Raj: What’s Plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn’t that Plan A?
Scene: The apartment.
Voice from television: REPORTER: A NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data, they will most likely be unable to determine the cause of the Mars Rover’s malfunction. This is not the first time an exploratory mission to Mars has ended in disappointment.
Howard: Thank God for Plan B.
Penny: Howard, didn’t you say you worked on the Mars Rover?
Howard: No, you’re mistaken.
Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
Howard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Leonard: Psst! Psst!
Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private.
Penny: No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.
Howard: Well, that does sound like me, but no.
Sheldon: Is there some problem?
Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.
Sheldon: All right, goodbye.
Leonard: No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I can’t tell you that.
Sheldon: Who would ask me?
Leonard: I can’t tell you that, either.
Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?
Leonard: Yeah, I really didn’t think this through.
Sheldon: Leonard, a moment.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?
Leonard: I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon: Are you going to the office?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.
Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office.
Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.
Leonard: I’m going to the office.
Sheldon: See? Why don’t I believe you?
Leonard: I’m going out for a while.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?
Penny: Okay, where is he going?
Sheldon: Leonard is going to (exaggerated) the office.
Scene: The girl’s apartment.
Leonard: So how was work today?
Girl: Busy. I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
Leonard: I’m hoping that’s three different guys.
Girl: No, just the one. He didn’t make it. So, how was your day?
Leonard: Oh, you know, I’m a physicist, so, I thought about stuff.
Girl: That’s it?
Leonard: Well, I wrote some of it down.
Girl: Are you done eating?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Girl: Oh, good. (Kisses him)
Leonard: If I knew you were waiting, I would’ve swallowed that lasagna whole.
Phone rings. Answering machine: You’ve reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep.
Howard (voice): Hey, Steph, it’s me again, Howard. Listen, if you’re free Friday, maybe we could have a little something to eat at my place. My mom cooks a hell of a brisket. Let me know. It’s Howard.
Leonard: I’ve had her brisket. Melts in your mouth.
Time shift
Steph: Maybe we should think about going to the bedroom.
Leonard: That’s a good idea. There’s a bed in there, and I’m very, very, very pro-bed.
Phone rings. Answering machine: You’ve reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep.
Howard (voice): Hey, it’s me again. Just want to let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up. My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs. Oh, and if anybody should ask, you’re half-Jewish on your mother’s side. Okay, call me. It’s Howard.
Leonard: Don’t you think we should tell him you’re not interested?
Steph: Do you want me to stop and call him back right now?
Leonard: Dear God, no!
Time shift
Steph (from bedroom door): Oh, Leonard…
Phone rings. Answering machine: You’ve reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep.
Howard (voice): Hey, it’s me again. Howard. Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you so that means we’re gonna have to move the dinner to a restaurant.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Tell her we’re going to the Olive Garden! I have a coupon from the paper.
Howard (voice): We’re not going to the Olive Garden, Mom!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Oh, Mr. Bigshot with his Red Lobster.
Howard (voice): I’ll call you back when we firm up the details. It’s Howard.
Scene: The laundry room
Penny: Oh, hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: New shirts?
Leonard: Yeah, a couple.
Penny: Nice.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: So, who’s the girl?
Leonard: I’m sorry?
Penny: Well, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating.
Leonard: So, uh, what we did was in fact dating?
Penny: Well, yeah, we did have a date.
Leonard: Exactly. Thank you. Do me a favour, tell Koothrappali that next time you see him.
Penny: So, who is she?
Leonard: Oh, she’s a doctor.
Penny: Oh, nice. A doctor doctor, or a you kind of doctor?
Leonard: Doctor doctor. Surgical resident. Smart, pretty. Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he’s dating someone, but he’s not because, in fact, you’re dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well, that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Screw him. You’re fine.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well, have you slept with her yet? You dog! Good for you.
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So why’d you ask?
Penny: I’m nosy. See ya.
Scene: Outside Howard’s front door.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, get the door!
Howard (voice): Really? Is that what you do when someone knocks? Thank you. I had no idea! (opening door) Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell?
Howard’s Mother (voice): Who is it?!
Howard: It’s Leonard!
Howard’s Mother (voice): You’re gonna have to play outside! I’m not dressed to receive!
Howard: No one cares, Ma! So, what’s up?
Leonard: Listen, I need to talk to you about something.
Howard (his phone rings): Momentito. Yello. Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried… Oh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No, I understand… Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day, too. (To Leonard) You are d*ad to me.
Scene: The apartment
Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
All: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.
Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard: How do we decide that?
All: Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh!
Leonard: Oh, hey, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard: That’s just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon: I don’t make the rules, Leonard.
Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?
Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.
Raj: You know, screw it, I’m just gonna eat the dumpling.
Leonard (answering door): Oh, hi, Steph, come on in.
Steph: Is this a bad time?
Leonard: Yeah, but I don’t see a better one on the horizon, so…
Howard: Oh, if it isn’t Mrs. d*ad to Me.
Steph: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Look I’m sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I’m out.
Leonard: He just won’t listen to me.
Steph: Okay, I guess it’ll just be the three of us then.
Leonard: Hmm. Lisa’s gonna be disappointed.
Steph: Yeah.
Howard: Lisa?
Steph: Yeah, my roommate. She just went through a really bad breakup and I thought she might like to meet somebody fun like you.
Howard: Leonard, Stephanie, you’re alive, it’s a miracle!
Scene: The apartment kitchen. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: So, anyway, Lisa, I just wanted to tell you again how much I enjoyed the other night, and again, I’m sorry for how it ended. But again, if you could let me know about Friday. My mother needs a head count so she can know how big a brisket to get.
Leonard: Howard, Howard, look at this.
Howard: Anyway, call me. It’s Howard.
Voice from TV: The possibility of life on Mars has long fascinated scientists and laypersons alike. It’s unclear how the Mars Rover got into the crevice, but one thing’s certain, the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars. It’s a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we’ll never know who’s responsible.
Howard: Son of a bitch. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x08 - The Lizard-Spock Expansion"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: Penny, hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is shaking?
Penny: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out.
Sheldon: I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?
Penny: Please don’t do that.
Sheldon: All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.
Penny: So, this wasn’t the awkward part?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Oh, all right. S’u’up?
Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?
Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.
Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard told me.
Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.
Penny: To you?
Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.
Penny: Well, aren’t you sweet?
Sheldon: Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.
Penny: Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe.
Sheldon: You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.
Penny: Always nice talking to you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Uh, peace out!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.
Leonard: I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Sheldon: And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.
Leonard: I stand corrected.
Sheldon: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.
Steph: That’s very interesting.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice.
Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Steph: No.
Sheldon: Good. What’s your favourite fruit?
Steph: Ih-uh, strawberries.
Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?
Steph: Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas.
Sheldon: Really? That’s where I was born!
Steph: You’re kidding!
Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Steph: Why, what-what-what happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Steph: I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught f*re. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.
Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil w*r have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.
Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.
Leonard: Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down?
Sheldon: To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets k*lled, and now we’ve got McCoy.
Scene: A cinema.
Steph: So, we’re all standing around looking at the post-op x ray and there it is, clear as day, right in the guy’s chest cavity, one of my earrings.
Leonard: Oh, my god, what did you do?
Steph: What do you think I did? I discreetly slipped off the other earring, put it in my pocket and then got the hell out of there!
Sheldon (arriving): I have a bone to pick with you, sir.
Leonard: Oo-oo-oh!
Steph: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh, clearly I could have.
Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I’ll find us seats.
Steph: No, no, we have seats.
Leonard: Not the right seats. (Sheldon moves around the theatre sitting in various seats and shouting “Ha!”)
Steph: What is he doing?
Leonard: He’s finding the acoustic sweet spot.
Steph: Does he always do this?
Leonard: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.
Steph: No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet.
Sheldon: My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?
Leonard: No, just sit here.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, this is it.
Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Leonard (knock, knock, knock) Leonard (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon (showing him laptop): Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my m*rder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.
Sheldon: It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?
Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: How can you be sure?
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He’s having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
Penny: We never got to the bedroom.
Sheldon: Because?
Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
Sheldon: More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don’t think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard’s record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname “speed of light Leonard.”
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to k*ll all the other men on the planet.
Howard: I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Yeah.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Well, thank you.
Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All I’m saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can’t they do something about lactose intolerance?
Steph: Leonard, you’re going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.
Sheldon: Oh, hi Stephanie.
Steph: Hi.
Leonard: Want some more wine?
Steph: Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.
Leonard: Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.
Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?
Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.
Leonard: Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.
Leonard: Oh, for god’s sakes.
Sheldon: Go ahead, it’s pre-loosened.
Steph: Do you want some help with that?
Leonard: No, no, no, I got it.
Sheldon: No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.)
Steph: Oh my god, are you okay?
Leonard: No, I’m not. I’m bleeding.
Sheldon: Like a gladiator!
Steph: Oh, honey, you’re going to need stitches.
Leonard: Stitches? With a needle?
Steph: Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.
Leonard: Oh, okay, yeah, hang on a sec. (Throws up in sink)
Sheldon: FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.
Scene: The hospital.
Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the w*r wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.
Leonard: I can’t remember a time when you weren’t talking.
Sheldon: Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.
Leonard: I did not burst into tears, my eyes just got a little watery.
Sheldon: Watery?
Leonard: She stuck a needle into my hand!
Steph: Hey, how’s my big cry baby?
Leonard: I didn’t cry.
Steph: Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed?
Leonard: Oh, are you still going to spend the night?
Steph: Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest.
Sheldon: She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.
Leonard: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter.
Steph: Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.
Leonard (after Sheldon tuts): What?
Sheldon: Well, you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can’t understand why women have such a hard time loving you.
Scene: The Apartment.
Leonard: Hey, can you open this for me?
Raj: Can I see your stitches?
Leonard: Sure. (Holds out hand. Howard starts to retch).
Raj: Answering the question once and for all why Wolowitz bailed out of medical school.
Penny (entering): Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard: What for?
Penny: Your facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard: What? no. no, that’s not right.
Howard: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold.
Leonard: It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.
Leonard: You hacked my facebook account?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.
Leonard: Are you insane? Now she’s going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship! And you want to know what the worst part is? You don’t even understand what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that you are not an expert in!
Sheldon: In which I am not an expert.
Leonard: Don’t even! I don’t want to hear another word out of you.
Penny (after Raj lets out a noise): What’s wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (He points) Oh, wow. She just updated her facebook status.
Howard: Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”
Leonard: Really? Oh, look at that, I have a girlfriend.
Sheldon: If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x09 - The White Asparagus Triangulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Steph: I don’t see anything at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?
Leonard: No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.
Steph: Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Then it must be a tumour.
Steph: I Seriously doubt it.
Leonard: Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.
Sheldon: Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.
Steph: Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie sh*t! I’m going to bed
Leonard: Okay, I’ll be right in.
Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie sh*t.
Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?
Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.
Leonard: No, you’re not.
Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.
Leonard: That’s absurd.
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of d*ad skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.
Leonard: I’m going to bed.
Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The kitchen.
Leonard: No, absolutely not.
Sheldon: It’s not a big deal. We have latex gloves.
Leonard: I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.
Steph: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.
Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Steph: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
Penny (entering): Out of coffee. Need coffee.
Steph: Uh, hello.
Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?
Steph: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?
Penny: I’m Penny, I live across the hall. I’ve heard a lot about you.
Steph: Really?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Steph: I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!
Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.
Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.
Leonard: Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn’t like you. Um, well, uh, you have a gall bladder to remove and I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so…
Steph: Well, it was very nice meeting you.
Penny: Nice to finally meet you, too.
Steph: And I’ll see you tonight?
Leonard: Okay, bye-bye.
Steph: Bye.
Sheldon: What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?
Penny: So, that’s Stephanie, huh?
Leonard: Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?
Penny: You know, she seems very nice.
Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.
Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?
Sheldon: Like hippies.
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Penny: Are you sure?
Leonard: How could I not be sure?
Penny: Well, let’s find out.
Leonard: Don’t you think if a woman was living with me I’d be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you’d be the last one to know about it. (Looking through his wardrobe) Hmm, cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you!
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Penny: Okay, hmm, scented candles, fuzzy slippers, ooh, floral bed sheets?
Leonard: We’re not living together.
Penny: Okay, moving on. Now, who are these guys at Disney World?
Leonard: Uh, the big dog is Goofy, and the older couple with the mouse ears , I have no idea. We’re not living together!
Penny: You’re going to go down swinging, huh? All right, well, we got your body lotion, your InStyle Magazine, your jewellery box.
Leonard: We’re not… Where’s my Bat Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat Signal?
Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must’ve… Oh, my God, we’re living together.
Penny: Really? What was your first clue?
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: New pants?
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.
Howard: Nice. Cotton?
Leonard: Actually, I think it’s more of wool, f*re ant blend.
Howard: So, the girlfriend’s buying clothes for you, huh? Sounds serious.
Leonard: It is actually. In fact, I gave it a lot of thought and I decided it was time for us to live together.
Howard: Uh, Leonard, huge mistake. There’s a whole buffet of women out there and you’re just standing in the corner eating the same devilled egg over and over again.
Leonard: At least I have an egg. What do you have?
Howard: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can h*t on her and you can’t.
Leonard: So, go h*t on her.
Howard: She’s not my type.
Raj: Too bad, ’cause she was checking you out before.
Howard: She was?
Raj: Of course not. Look at her.
Leonard: I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.
Scene: The hospital.
Steph: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.
Steph: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?
Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.
Steph: Thank you.
Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?
Steph: I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.
Steph: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?
Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.
Steph: Go home, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Oh hey.
Leonard: Oh, good. Do you have any fabric softener?
Penny: Yeah, sure. What are you washing? A crocodile?
Leonard: No, the pants that Stephanie got me.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you can’t machine wash these. They’ll be ruined.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Absolutely.
Leonard: Oh, no. I wish you’d told me that sooner.
Penny: Are you guys having problems?
Leonard: No, everything’s fine.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. It’s wonderful. Okay, maybe this whole living together happened kind of suddenly, but it’s fine, it’s great.
Penny: Okay, Leonard, honey, you know, if you’re uncomfortable with the way things are going, you’re allowed to say something.
Leonard: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Penny: Believe me, your feelings are just as important as hers.
Leonard: No that doesn’t sound right either.
Penny: Just tell her you need the relationship to move at a pace that you both are comfortable with.
Leonard: Yeah, I could say something like that to her. I’ll go do that. Thank you.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: You have a really good grasp on this. Maybe you could talk to her?
Penny: You’re kidding, right?
Leonard: No, but that’s okay. I’ll go talk to her. Want to come with?
Penny: Go! Wow.
Scene: The apartment.
Steph: Oh, no.
Sheldon: Wha?
Steph: You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.
Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?
Steph: You’re going to need to stop talking immediately.
Sheldon: For how…
Steph: Du-du-du-du! Immediately.
Leonard: Hey.
Steph: Oh, hi, honey.
Leonard: Sheldon. (He waves) What’s going on?
Steph: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.
Leonard: Careful, if you don’t get it all, it’ll only come back worse.
Steph: Gotcha.
Leonard: Listen, we need to talk.
Steph: Oh-oh. Do we need to talk or do we “need to talk”?
Leonard: I don’t know what that means.
Steph: Okay, why don’t you just tell me what it is you have to tell me?
Leonard: Okay, um, well, look, it’s just that things between you and me have been going pretty quick.
Steph: And?
Leonard: It’s just a little scary.
Steph: Well, yeah, but scary good, right?
Leonard: Sure, when is scary not good? But, okay, um, I have feelings, right?
Steph: Uh-huh.
Leonard: Okay, and it’s perfectly okay to express those feelings, right?
Steph: Of course honey why don’t you tell me what it is you’re feeling?
Leonard: Okay, well, I ju… I think it’s important to remember that we move at a pace that is our speed and… oh, sh**t, I had it!
Steph: Okay, how about this? How about I tell you what I’m feeling?
Leonard: What’s that? Really? Right now?
Steph: Why not?
Leonard: I just ate, aren’t you supposed to wait an hour?
Steph: I think that’s for swimming.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I just hope I don’t get cramps.
Steph: Yeah.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey. Oh, I put your clothes in the dryer.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Your pants are ruined.
Leonard: Good.
Penny: So, how did the talk with Stephanie go?
Leonard: Well, um, on one level, really, really well.
Penny: So, you told her you wanted to slow things down?
Leonard: Not specifically, but, uh, I did tell her that I had feelings.
Penny: Good, good. And then what?
Leonard: And then the, the subject got changed somehow.
Penny: You had sex, didn’t you?
Leonard: Um, little bit. (She looks at her watch) What?
Penny: Nothing. Okay, well, it sounds like things are going to work out.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah it’s all good. Everything’s going to work out. One way or another.
Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yes, you don’t always have to go along with what the woman wants.
Leonard: Huh.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing, just rethinking my whole life. Okay, here’s the thing, I’m afraid that if I ask her to move out, she’ll just dump me.
Penny: Well, it’s a chance you have to take. I mean, look, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
Leonard: Very comforting. Okay, so what do I say to her?
Penny: I don’t know. I mean, what have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down?
Leonard: I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?
Penny: Yeah, that’ll slow it down.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard and Steph have just had sex.
Steph: I’m sorry, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?
Leonard: Oh, right, yeah, um, so, Stephanie, here’s the thing. I really like you.
Steph: Oh, God, here comes the speech.
Leonard: What speech?
Steph: I really like you, but maybe we should spend a little less time together ‘cause I need my space but I’ll call you on Tuesday, and then you never call me so I call you, but you don’t call me back and then when I run into you at the coffee shop you pretend like you’ve been having problems with your voice mail and I know that you’re lying, but I pretend like I don’t care even though I’m dying inside!
Leonard: No! No, no! I wasn’t going to say any of that. I was just going to say, I really like you.
Steph: Oh. Oh, good! ‘Cause I really like you, too.
Leonard: Terrific.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Howard: Hey. Nice sweater.
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got it for me. It’s kind of fun.
Raj: It’s got a big bird on it, dude.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that’s the fun part. We’re also getting new curtains for my bedroom, and a dust ruffle, and a duvet, and I don’t even know what a duvet is but I’m pretty sure if I did I wouldn’t want one, but every time I talk to her about moving out she cries and we have sex.
Raj: You’re lucky. With me, it’s usually the other way around.
Howard: You know, if you can’t talk to her, why don’t you just text her?
Leonard: Isn’t that kind of cowardly?
Howard: Oh, yeah. It’s beyond contemptible.
Raj: It’s true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.
Leonard: Sold. “I think it would be better for our relationship if you moved back to your place.” There. It’s done.
Howard: Good for you.
Leonard: Yeah, good for me. I’ll never have sex again. (Phone buzzes) I was wrong. See ya.
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment. Sheldon has his laptop. He knocks three times, the presses a button and an electronic voice says “Penny”. He does this three times.
Penny (opening door): Sheldon?
Computer voice: I have an inflamed larynx.
Penny: Okay?
Computer voice: We’re out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Okay, let me check.
Computer voice: Some hiney would be nice, too.
Penny: Hiney?
Computer voice: Honey. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x10 - The Vartabedian Conundrum"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
Sheldon: Like what?
Howard: I don’t know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj: Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog thr*at Earth.
Leonard: Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
Sheldon: Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth.
Howard: Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.
Raj: Booya.
Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.
Raj: “Kandorian dry cl…” I give up, you can’t have a rational argument with this man.
Howard: Hey, isn’t that the guy who won the MacArthur genius grant last year? No, not all at once.
Raj: Then how?
Howard: Leonard. Now, Raj. Now, Sheldon.
Raj: I didn’t get a good look. Can I go again?
Howard: No.
Leonard: It’s David Underhill. So what?
Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.
Leonard: I have two words for you. The first is big, the other’s whoop.
Sheldon: It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you’ve done since you’ve been here completely useless.
Leonard: Did not.
Howard: Did, too.
Leonard: Did… okay, maybe some of it, but, look, the guy was just in the right place, at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting reinterpretation of the universe. He got lucky.
Raj: In more ways than one. He’s a very handsome man.
Howard: Doesn’t do anything for me. If I was gonna go that way, I’m more of a Zac Ephron kinda guy.
Raj: Oh, yeah, like you have a sh*t with Zac Ephron.
David (approaching): Excuse me, Are you Leonard Hofstadter?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
David: I’m David Underhill.
Leonard: Uh, y-yeah.
David: Yeah, Dr. Gablehauser said if I wanted to set something up in the photomultiplier lab, that you’d be able to give me a hand?
Leonard: You want to work with me?
David: Well, if you have a little time, yeah.
Leonard: Wow, y-yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem. Uh, Here’s my home number, here’s my cell, here’s my office, here’s my parents’ number up in New Jersey, they always know how to reach me. So…
David: Okay.
Leonard: Congratulations on the MacArthur Grant, by the way. Big fan.
David: Thanks. I’ll call you.
Leonard: Okay. Bye-bye! What are you looking at?You’ve never seen a hypocrite before?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Wii bowling.
Raj: Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career-best 68.
Leonard (entering): Hey, guys!
Howard: That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over!
Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.
Howard: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
Sheldon: Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?
Leonard: Actually, I was…
Sheldon: It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.
Leonard: Come on, it’s just a video game. And we suck at it.
Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
Howard: Where were you?
Leonard: I was working with Dave Underhill.
Howard: Ooh, “Dave.” Sounds like Leonard’s got a new BFF.
Leonard: Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band.
Howard: So? We’re in a rock band.
Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box.
Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist.
Leonard: He’s funny, too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex. What are you wearing? That’s not, he does it better. Anyway, he said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow, so I’m gonna go practice my situps.
Raj: Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude.
Howard: Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.
Penny (entering): Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard: Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.
Howard: Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder su1c1de rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.
Howard (to Raj who is whispering in his ear): I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.
Penny: Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I’m going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard: It’s happening to us.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Ow! Ow!
David: Are you gonna make it?
Leonard: Yeah, I guess.
David: All right.
Leonard: Thanks for letting me try out your motorcycle.
David: No problem.
Leonard: I had no idea it was so heavy. The thing just fell right over on me, didn’t it?
David: Yeah. Lucky for you it wasn’t moving.
Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard. Ooh, are you okay?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It’s just a little motorcycle accident.
Penny: My God, how fast were you going?
Leonard: I don’t know. It’s all such a blur.
David: Ha ha ha. Good one. He couldn’t even get it started. Hi. Dave.
Penny: Hi. Penny. So it’s your motorcycle?
David: Uh-huh.
Penny: Oh, is it okay?
David: It’s fine.
Leonard: Yeah, lucky for the bike it landed on my leg.
David: You mind giving me a hand with speed racer here?
Penny: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. So, um, Dave, how do you know Leonard?
David: I’m a physicist.
Penny: Ha-ha. No, you’re not.
David: Why is that so surprising?
Penny: Uh, well, it’s just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
Leonard: I’m not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sun block because I don’t take melanoma lightly.
Penny: So, are you and Leonard working on an experiment together?
David: Yeah, actually we are.
Leonard: Yeah, we’re examining the radiation levels of photomultiplier tubes for a new dark matter detector.
Penny: Uh, sweetie, sweetie, Dave was talking. You know, I love science.
Leonard: Since when?
Penny: Since always. Call me a geek, but I am just nuts for the whole subatomic particle thing.
David: The last thing I would ever call you is a geek.
Penny: Ha. Well, that’s what I am, queen of the nerds.
David: Well, if you like, I could show you the lab we’re working in. We’ve got some cool toys, you know, lasers and stuff.
Penny: You know, I have always wanted to see a big science lab.
Leonard: Since when?
Penny: Since always.
David: Leonard, are you okay here?
Leonard: Uh, yeah. I guess.
David: How ’bout we go see it now? Maybe afterwards we take the bike up the coast, we grab a little bite to eat…
Penny: Um,yeah, yeah, that sounds great, let me just get my jacket.
David: Boy, she’ll do, huh?
Leonard: Yeah, if you like that type.
David: So, you and her?
Leonard: No, just neighbours.
David: Really. I don’t know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
Leonard: Actually, science is my lady.
Penny: Okay. Let’s go.
David: All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.
Leonard: See ya. ‘Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.)
Sheldon: Yes? (Leonard falls through) Did you forget your key?
Scene: A gift shop.
Sheldon: I don’t see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard: You’re kidding. You’ve got lotions and bath oils and soaps, that’s the estrogen hat trick.
Leonard: What it is is a cacophonous as*ault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan.
Raj: Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear.
Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Howard: Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.
Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.
Raj: She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!
Howard: Excuse me, we’re ready.
Sheldon: No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?
Howard: This one. Let’s go.
Sheldon: You put no thought into that.
Howard: I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go!
Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?
Assistant: Yes?
Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Assistant: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Assistant: I don’t understand what you’re talking about and you’re making me a little uncomfortable.
Howard: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We’ll take it.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
David: Hey, Leonard. Come, join us.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Dave. And Penny, what a surprise.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Dave was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable!
Leonard: Yeah, I know. I’ve been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga.
Penny: I never said that.
Leonard: Maybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like yoga.
David: This is an amazing woman, Leonard. She has a curious and agile mind, not to mention being curious and agile in other respects.
Penny: Oh, shut up!
Leonard: Yes, please shut up. So, um, Dave, don’t you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn’t going to detect itself.
David: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
Penny: Really? We’re going to do an experiment?
David: Uh-huh. We’re going to explore the effects of tequila sh*ts on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: It’s not an experiment! You saw what happened last night.
David: You ready to go?
Penny: Yeah. Oh, can I drive the motorcycle?
David: Yeah, why not? You can’t do any worse than Leonard.
Leonard: That’s funny. By the way, my leg is k*lling me. Thanks for asking.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.
Leonard: Yippee.
Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.
Then I’ll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I’ll return the others for a full refund.
Leonard: Brilliant.
Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.
Leonard: Do whatever you want.
Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very gracious. Gentlemen.
Howard: Why couldn’t you have just done what Leonard did and get Penny a new boyfriend?
Leonard: My leg is k*lling me. Thanks for asking.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Okay, I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn’t want to go out with me because I was too smart for you! Well, news flash, lady, David Underhill is ten times smarter than me! You’d have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to b*at him at checkers! Next to him, I’m like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes! So, my question is, what’s up with that?
Penny: Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Never mind, we’re cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He’s an idiot.
Leonard: Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: That’s what you took from that? The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh, yeah. I’m so… oh, that’s terrible.
Penny: And you, if you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
Leonard: Well, uh, the important thing is he’s married and that’s terrible!
Penny: Nice save, genius. Eggnog?
Leonard: Lactose.
Penny: It’s just rum. It stopped being eggnog like half an hour ago.
Leonard: Smooth.
Penny: Smoother than you.
Leonard: Come on, it’s Christmas, just give me this one.
Penny: Okay, Merry Christmas.
Leonard: By the way, my leg is k*lling me. Thanks for asking.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard opens the door to Penny.
Penny: Merry Christmas.
Leonard: Merry Christmas.
Penny: How’s your leg?
Leonard: Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: Okay, here.
Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.
Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it.
Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Be right back.
Penny: Here. Open it.
Leonard: Oh, a gift certificate for motorcycle lessons. Very thoughtful.
Penny: Yeah, and I checked. Not letting the bike fall on you while standing still is lesson one.
Leonard: Oh, then, I think you’ll appreciate what I got you.
Penny: Okay. 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids.
Leonard: You know, ’cause you’re so into science.
(Sheldon appears with all the gift baskets)
Penny: Sheldon! What did you do?!
Sheldon: I know! It’s not enough, is it? Here.
Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me.
Leonard: It’s a Saturnalia miracle. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x11 - The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: All right, that’s the last servo. Behold the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator. Or…
All: MONTE.
Howard: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp k*lling saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armour plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.
Sheldon: Is it wrong to say I love our k*ller robot?
Raj: As with my father, I both love and fear it.
Howard: All right, enough chitchat, let’s destroy something.
Together (lifting): One, two, three, go.
Raj: Okay. What shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte?
Leonard: Maybe we should start small.
Raj: Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball.
Sheldon: Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.
Raj: Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.
Leonard: How about the toaster oven?
Sheldon: What did the toaster oven ever do to you?
Leonard: What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.
Howard: Gentlemen, goggles.
Sheldon: Yeah, this is an auspicious moment. Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Raj: How about “Die, toaster, die”?
Leonard: That’ll do it.
Raj (after watching complete destruction of toaster oven): All right, what’s next?
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: No, I think I’m just going to stay in tonight and do laundry. (Monte bursts through boys door. Penny screams and runs down the stairs.)
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside in stairwell
Howard: Oh yeah, they still got the full Monte.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Uh-huh?
Penny: What the hell?
Leonard: k*ller robot. We built it.
Penny: Yeah, well, it almost k*lled me.
Sheldon: If it wanted to k*ll you, you’d be d*ad.
Penny: So, who exactly does it want to k*ll?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?
Penny: You know, since I moved last year, not all my mail has been forwarded.
Howard: It’s a big deal. There’s an awards banquet and a dance afterward. Perhaps you’d like to come with me. I know the other fellas would be really excited to see a girl there.
Penny: How is it supposed to be a dance if I’m the only girl?
Howard: Well, that may be a slight exaggeration. You’d be the only doable girl.
Penny: You’re a pig, Howard.
Howard: How is doable anything but a compliment?
Leonard: Howard, why don’t we just work on the robot?
Howard: Please, Leonard, not now. Once again, Penny and I have g*n our little tango.
Penny: Our tango?
Howard: The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it’s still… hot.
Leonard: I’m begging you, stop talking.
Penny: Look, normally I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you’re a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you’re the one who’s peculiar.
Penny: Yeah, you might be right. But back to you. I know you think you’re some sort of smooth-talking ladies’ man, but the truth is, you are just pathetic and creepy.
Howard: Um, so what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable. It’s not sexy to stare at my ass and say, “Ooh, it must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake like that.” And most important, we are not dancing a tango, we’re not to’ing and fro’ing. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Ever.
Howard: Wait a minute. This isn’t flirting, you’re serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I’m flirting with you? I am not flirting with you, no woman is ever gonna flirt with you, you’re just gonna grow old and die alone.
Howard: Thanks for the heads up.
Leonard: Howard, where you going?
Howard: I’m going home to live my creepy, pathetic life.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: Well, someone had to say it. (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear) What?
Leonard: He said maybe we should enter you in the k*ller robot competition.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, the phone is ringing!
Howard: Here’s a crazy idea, Ma, answer it!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Hello? All right, hold on. It’s your friend, Leonard! He wants to know why you’re not at school today!
Howard: I don’t go to school, Ma. I work at a university.
Howard’s Mother (voice): That’s a school! Now pick up the phone!
Howard: I don’t want to talk to anybody.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Should I ask Leonard to bring over your homework?!
Howard: I don’t have homework. I’m a grown man with a master’s degree in engineering!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Excuse me, Mr. Fancy-Pants. Want me to get you a Popsicle?
Howard: Cherry, please!
Howard’s Mother (voice): I ate the cherry. All that’s left is green.
Howard: You make me want to k*ll myself.
Scene: The university cafeteria. Other end of the phone call.
Raj: What’s going on?
Leonard: I don’t know, now they’re just yelling about Popsicles. Sounds like Penny really got to him.
Raj: I’m not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity.
Kripke (arriving): Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?
Leonard: Yes, we did, Kripke.
Sheldon: His name is Monte.
Kripke: Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.
Leonard: Come on, is that really necessary?
Sheldon: Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make? Fat is fat.
Sheldon: There are boundaries.
Kripke: Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Kripke: There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid.
Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.
Kripke: Tomowow, thwee o’clock, the kinetics wab.
Sheldon: Make it so.
Leonard: No, don’t make it so. Barry, we can’t fight you tomorrow, our engineer is incapacitated.
Kripke: What’s wrong with him?
Raj: He’s depressed because he’s pathetic and creepy and he can’t get girls.
Kripke: We’re all pathetic and cweepy and can’t get girls, that’s why we fight wobots. If you’re not there, you’ll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: I’m curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, you got a minute?
Penny: Yeah, come on in. What’s up?
Leonard: I need you to apologize to How…
Penny: Get out.
Leonard: Come on. Wolowitz won’t come out of his house and we need him for a robot battle.
Penny: Well, then have the robot go and get him.
Leonard: The robot didn’t hurt his feelings.
Penny: His feelings needed to be hurt.
Leonard: He’s been in bed for two days.
Penny: Yeah, probably with a blow-up doll.
Leonard: He’s not with a… does it really matter who or what he’s with? The guy is devastated.
Penny: Oh, please, how could I possibly devastate Howard?
Leonard: Okay, don’t take this as a criticism, but you kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on.
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: You know, like, most of the time, you’re the easygoing Bruce Banner, but then, when you get angry, you kind of turn into, like, you know, grrrrr!
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard: Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didn’t get The Incredible Hulk from that? Never mind, just, please go talk to him.
Penny: And say what? That I didn’t mean it, because I meant it.
Leonard: Well, maybe you can go at it from a different angle, like, um, you see a glimmer of goodness in him and you only said what you said because you want to nurture it and make it shine.
Penny: Oh, pthththth.
Leonard: Okay, let’s try it this way. Remember the day that we first met and you asked me to go to your boyfriend’s apartment to get your TV back and he was nine feet tall and he took my pants off and you said… what was that? What did you say? Oh, yes, you said you owed me one.
Penny: Okay, come on, that’s not fair.
Leonard: I came home with no pants.
Penny: Fine, I’ll go over there tomorrow.
Leonard: Thank you. I should probably give you a heads up about his mother.
Penny: What about her?
Leonard: She’s a delightful woman. You’ll love her.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, there’s a blonde girl, Patsy, here to see you!
Howard: Who?
Howard’s Mother (voice): Okay, now she’s saying it’s Penny.
Howard: I don’t want to talk to her.
Penny (entering): Hey.
Howard: Ma!
Howard’s Mother (voice): She ran past me. Was I supposed to tackle her?
Penny: So, I just came by to see how you were doing.
Howard: I’m fine.
Penny: Good. Your mom seems nice.
Howard: People move away from her on the bus. What do you want?
Penny: Okay, look. Howard, I just want to apologize for some things that I have said. About you. I’ve been informed that you have feelings. And apparently, I have hurt them. So, I’m sorry. Howard.
Howard: Fine, you’re sorry. Good-bye.
Penny: So, you’re okay?
Howard: Hey, I’m a big boy. I’m not traumatized by some random comment from some random woman. I mean, get over yourself.
Penny: Okay. Well, bye. (Penny leaves room. Sound of Howard crying through door.) So close (goes back in.)
Scene: The apartment. The guys are watching footage on a laptop screen.
Leonard: Oh, my God. That’s Kripke’s robot?
Kripke (voice): As you can see, the Kwippler is weducing the Chevy Cavawier to wubble.
Raj: I can’t watch anymore.
Leonard: Sheldon, we have to call it off.
Sheldon: We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.
Leonard: Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.
Sheldon: Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.
Raj: Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.
Sheldon: You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared.
Leonard: You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself.
Raj: Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?
Leonard: Not yet.
Sheldon: Have faith, gentlemen. We don’t need Wolowitz, engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: And then, when I was 14, I met Marcy Grossman. She was so beautiful. She just got her braces off but they left a little of the overbite. It was so hot, like a sexy little chipmunk. I didn’t have the courage to ask her out, but I dedicated a song to her at the ninth grade talent show.
Penny: Aw, that sounds sweet.
Howard: Marcy Grossman is sunshine, on a cloudy day, when it’s cold outside, Marcy Grossman is the month of May…
Penny: Oh, it’s cute.
Howard: I guess you’d say, what can make me feel this way, Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman, Talkin’ ’bout Marcy…
Penny: That’s great.
Howard: Grossman.
Penny: Oh, it’s fun.
Howard: And then she came up with that sexy little chipmunk mouth and spit in my hair. Which brings us to tenth grade.
Penny: Howard, do you think maybe sometimes you try too hard?
Howard: Look at me. What chance do I have if I don’t try too hard?
Penny: Well, you’d have a terrific chance. I mean, you’re smart, you’re funny, you have a cool job. You build stuff that goes into outer space.
Howard: I guess.
Penny: Look, I’m telling you, I’ve known you for, like, a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I’m talking to a real person. And you know what? I like him, he’s a nice guy.
Howard: You really think so?
Penny: Yes.
Howard: I don’t know.
Penny: I do. (Howard tries to kiss her. She punches him.)
Scene: The lab.
Leonard: Nice little bot you’ve got here.
Kripke: I’m aware.
Leonard: What’s this do, spin?
Kripke: Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.
Leonard: Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off.
Sheldon: No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.
Raj: But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.
Sheldon: What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.
Raj: That’s not overconfidence, that’s observation.
Sheldon: Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.
Kripke: What is his pwoblem?
Raj: Way to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude.
Leonard: I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.
Kripke: Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules.
Sheldon: He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.
Kripke: I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of w*r.
Sheldon: Never. I’d rather see Monte d*ad than in your hands.
Kripke: That could be easily awanged. Weady, set, go?
Sheldon: Do it.
Kripke: Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, you got this.
Sheldon: Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new.
Leonard: Run, Monte, run!
Raj: Go, Monte! Go Monte!
Leonard: Go, go, go, go!
Sheldon: Don’t hurt us, don’t hurt us,
Scene: The apartment. Monte is in pieces on the table.
Leonard: Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.
Sheldon: I did this. Monte was k*lled by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.
Raj: No one’s arguing with you, dude.
Howard (arriving): I got your text. How bad is… Oy.
Leonard: Forget the robot. What happened to you?
Penny: He slipped and fell.
Howard: Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub.
Penny: Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.
Howard: Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.
Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?
Howard: Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon: You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren’t you getting a little carried away? I mean, it’s just a toy robot.
Sheldon: Just a toy robot?
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: I know, I got it. Sheldon, I’m sorry.
Howard: Well, don’t get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I’m halfway to pity sex. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x12 - The k*ller Robot Instability"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The university cafeteria
Raj: Mmm, gentlemen, I put it to you, the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavour.
Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant…
Howard: Hey, I’m thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: Ah, no kidding! A Fu Man Chu? A handlebar pencil?
Sheldon: It is extracted from the plant…
Howard: I’m not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now!
Raj: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralph’s. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
Leonard: Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca…
Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the Cocoa Bean, from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore!
Kripke (arriving): Hey Hofstadter!
Leonard: Hey Kripke.
Kripke: Heard about your watest pwoton decay expewiment, twenty thousand data wuns and no statistically significant wesults. Vewy impwessive!
Howard: What a jerk.
Raj: Don’t feel bad Leonard, negative results are still results.
Howard: Even twenty thousand of ‘em.
Leonard: Alright, please don’t cheer me up anymore.
Howard: C’mon, don’t let him get to you. It’s Kripke.
Raj: Yeah, he’s a ginormous knob.
Howard: That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.
Raj: Fo’ shizzle.
Sheldon: Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.
Leonard: Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.
Sheldon: Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!
Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon: What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Kripke: I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?
Kripke: Yeah, I’ll do that.
Sheldon: Well I think we’re off to a terrific start.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks! I mean the e-mail doesn’t bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard: Yeah, I got the same one. And that’s not a bathing suit, it’s a tan line.
Sheldon (on phone): Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I’m leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef’s salad. pparently, you did not know that the chef’s salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I’m following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: What’s up with Ichabod?
Leonard: Oh he’s trying to make a new friend.
Penny: Oh really? Well, good for him.
Leonard: Well, unless he’s makes one out of wood like Gepetto, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
Penny: Well, how did you guys become friends?
Leonard: There was a flier on the bulletin board at the university. Roommate wanted. Whistlers need not apply.
Penny: And you moved in anyway?
Leonard: I assumed he was joking. You’d be surprised how many particle physicists have a whimsical side.
Penny: Well, what about Howard and Raj, I mean how did you become friends with them?
Leonard: I don’t know, how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way. But it all worked out, right?
Leonard: I suppose. I do miss whistling though.
Penny: Oh come on, really? (Leonard whistles)
Sheldon: First warning.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny (knock, knock, knock) Penny. This is for you.
Penny: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: What is this?
Sheldon: It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon: Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing?
Sheldon: I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.
Penny: Wait! How many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon: Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: Thanks pal.
Sheldon: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant?
Sheldon: Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is reading one of the questionnaires. He tuts.
Sheldon: Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard: I answered every question Sheldon.
Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.
Leonard: Aw, you picked up on that huh?
Sheldon: How could I not?
Leonard: Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank?
Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that!
Sheldon: Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.
Leonard: It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon: What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big bald raccoon.
Sheldon: I don’t see how you could.
Leonard: What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon: What do you mean!?
Leonard: Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon: I did learn how to swim.
Leonard: On the floor.
Sheldon: The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon: The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.
Leonard: No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.
Sheldon: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Sheldon: You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.
Leonard: Why don’t you just lie down on the floor and swim there?
Scene: A bookshop.
Sheldon: Coping with the death of a loved one. My condolences.
Woman in queue: Thank you.
Sheldon: Family or friend?
Woman: Family.
Sheldon: Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.
Leonard: Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?
Bookstore employee: Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids.
Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Employee: Uh, I guess. They’re right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon: Oh! I love trains!
Employee: I bet you do.
Sheldon (picks up train): Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about h*m* rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?
Little girl: I don’t like birds, they scare me.
Sheldon: Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?
Girl: Curious George.
Sheldon: Oh I do like monkeys!
Girl: Curious George is a monkey.
Sheldon: Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?
Girl: Okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?
Girl: Rebecca.
Sheldon: Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard: No you’re not, let’s go.
Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard: Don’t look up, there’s cameras.
Scene: The stairwell.
Raj: I’m curious. In the “How Well Do You Know Sheldon” section, what do you put for his favourite amino acid?
Leonard and Howard: Lysine.
Raj: Damn it. I had Lysine and changed it.
Sheldon: Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!
Howard: Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon: See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo.
Raj: Stu the cockatoo?
Leonard: Yes, he’s new at the zoo.
Sheldon: It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.
Howard: Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you’re out of the apartment?
Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours.
Leonard: Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.
Howard: I can fix it.
Sheldon: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.
Howard: Gee. Why can’t Sheldon make friends?
Sheldon: Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.
Scene: Rock climbing centre. Sheldon and Kripke are watching someone descend the practice wall.
Sheldon: You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.
Kripke: Nope, I wanna climb some wocks.
Sheldon: This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.
Kripke: You afwaid of heights, Cooper?
Sheldon: Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?
Kripke: Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this.
Sheldon: Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.
Kripke: Let’s go, Cooper.
Sheldon: Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.
Kripke: Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top.
Sheldon: I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.
Kripke:You alwight there, Cooper?
Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?
Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?
Kripke: Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going.
Sheldon: Yeah, I don’t think I can.
Kripke: Well, then. Cwimb back down.
Sheldon: No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.
Kripke: So what’s the pwan, Cooper?
Sheldon: Well, it’s not exactly a plan but I think I’m going to pass out.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m sorry. Can we please just do it one more time?
Howard: Okay. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3 and… (Leonard, Howard and Raj whistle “Sweet Georgia Brown” together)
Leonard: It’s a little thing but you really do miss it.
Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.
Together: Oh…
Kripke: Hewo to you, too.
Leonard: How was rock climbing?
Kripke: He passed out. Just hung there like a big sawami.
Sheldon: D-d-d! That’s where I sit.
Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard: How much time you got?
Leonard: Want some Chinese food?
Kripke: Tewific. Got any dental fwoss?
Leonard: In the bathroom.
Kripke: Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.
Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What’s that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: Me, me. Let it be me.
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.
Leonard: Can I whistle?
Sheldon: Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an as*ault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.
Howard: Guilty as charged. I’m out.
Sheldon: No. You, too, are safe.
Howard: Oh come on. What do I have to do?
Penny: Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just…
Sheldon: Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise h*m* group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?
Leonard: He had Lysine but changed it.
Sheldon: Yeah. Shoulda, woulda coulda, Raj.
Kripke: I like to fwoss before I eat, so my gum pockets are open for new food.
Penny: Eww.
Kripke: Hewo. How did I walk past you? I’m Bawy.
Penny: Penny.
Kripke: Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.
Howard: Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh?
Sheldon: So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.
Kripke: No.
Sheldon: No? But we’re friends!
Kripke: I’m sowy. No, my fwiend?
Sheldon: I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?
Kripke: No, that’s wong. There’s an official schedule. I have no contwol over it.
Sheldon: Oh. This entire endeavour seems to have been an exercise in futility. Raj, you’re back in. He likes monkeys.
Scene: The climbing centre.
Howard: You gotta give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard: I didn’t think he had it in him.
Raj: He almost made it to the top this time.
Sheldon is seen dangling from the ropes | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x13 - The Friendship Algorithm"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. The guys are studying a complex chart on the whiteboard.
Leonard: Hmmm.
Sheldon: The problem appears to be unsolvable.
Raj: Maybe you could run some computer simulations.
Howard: There are too many variables. It would take forever.
Leonard: We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.
Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.
Leonard: Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
Raj: What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.
Sheldon: They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
Leonard: Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.
Raj: We could eat after the movie.
Sheldon: Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work.
Raj: Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.
Howard: Wow. I don’t see how we missed that.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees?
Raj: That’s how we missed it.
Leonard: Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, you know I can’t do that.
Howard: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Raj: Yep, I don’t see any way around it.
Leonard: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard: See ya.
Raj: Later, dude.
Sheldon: They’re right, it was the only option.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is opening the apartment door. Penny comes running up stairs.
Penny: Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.
Sheldon: Well, you didn’t specify.
Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.
Penny: Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.
Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.
Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.
Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.
Penny: Don’t be silly.
Sheldon: I’m never silly. Here.
Penny: No, I can’t.
Sheldon: Don’t you need money?
Penny: Well, yeah, but…
Sheldon: This is money I’m not using.
Penny: But what if you need it?
Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.
Penny: Really? I mean, are you sure?
Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I’m regretting this already.
Scene: Entering the lobby of the building.
Sheldon: You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Ask me why.
Leonard: Do I have to?
Sheldon: Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. How was work?
Penny: Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Was that sarca..
Leonard: Stop it!
Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.
Penny: Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.
Sheldon: Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.
Leonard: He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.
Penny: Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?
Leonard: Weird.
Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.
Leonard: Did you guys have an argument?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.
Sheldon: I’m at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there’s a blunder I overlooked.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you go. Oh, you owe me another two dollars. The price of mu-shu pork went up.
Howard: It’s getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.
Leonard: Here you go, Penny. Shrimp with lobster sauce.
Penny: Thank you, Leonard. What’s my share?
Leonard: Don’t worry about it. It’s my treat.
Penny: No, really, how much?
Leonard: It’s, whatever. Ten, eleven dollars.
Penny: Well, which is it, ten or eleven?
Leonard: Fourteen fifty, but it’s no biggie, you’ll get the next one. (Raj whispers something to Howard)
Penny: What?
Howard: He was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a t*nk top if he’d get his shrimp lo mein for free.
Penny: What are you saying? That I’m using my body to get dinner? That I’m some kind of Chinese food prost*tute?
Howard: Yeah, Raj, what are you saying?
Penny: ‘Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don’t rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about?
Howard: He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy.
Penny: Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.
Leonard: It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner’s here.
Penny: Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: You’re damn right it’s okay. I’ve been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.
Sheldon: Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.
Penny: Sheldon, look, I will pay you back as soon as I can. You just have to give me more time.
Leonard: Oh, wait, you lent her money?
Penny: She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.
Penny: Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn’t you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can’t pay her bills.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Penny: Going home, where I won’t be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.
Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I’ve moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard: But if you’re ever short, there’s always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern’s ass.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: A little mood lighting, huh?
Penny: Yeah. When I didn’t pay my bill, the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.
Leonard: Yeah, they’re very considerate that way.
Penny: I used Sheldon’s money to pay my rent, then I had like fourteen dollars left over.
Leonard: Fourteen dollars, huh?
Penny: Put it back in your pocket, or I’ll find some other place to put it.
Leonard: Back in the pocket it goes. Look, you do understand that Sheldon really doesn’t care when he gets the money back. It’s actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn’t make you want to, you know, k*ll him.
Penny: Yeah, well, that’s not really my big problem.
Leonard: So you’re a little behind on your bills. Everybody gets behind on their bills.
Penny: Yeah, I know, it’s just, this wasn’t the plan, it wasn’t supposed to go this way.
Leonard: Well, what was the plan?
Penny: Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
Leonard: Was there a plan B?
Penny: TV star.
Leonard: It’s probably not as bad as you think. Let’s take a look. Maybe we can find some corners to cut. Oh, here’s something, if you don’t have electricity, then you probably don’t need cable. Just a suggestion. 170 dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh, no, I can’t give up my acting classes. I’m a professional actress.
Leonard: You’ve had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard: Actually, it kind of… let’s keep looking. Whoa, what’s eighteen hundred dollars to the Los Angeles County Superior Court?
Penny: Oh, that’s nothing.
Leonard: Nothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4,000 miles an hour.
Penny: Well, remember Kurt?
Leonard: Your ex-boyfriend?
Penny: Yeah. He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.
Penny: Anyway, he had a bunch of outstanding tickets and a bench warrant, so I, you know, I paid his fines.
Leonard: Did he pay you back?
Penny: No, but he will.
Leonard: And that’s based on the inherent credit-worthiness of people who get drunk and urinate on police vehicles?
Penny: Leonard, I’m not gonna call up Kurt and ask him for money.
Leonard: Well what are you gonna do?
Penny: I don’t know, but I may have to find a cheaper place to live.
Leonard: Oh, no. Oh, you don’t want to do that.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, moving is a big deal. You have to go to the supermarket and get boxes, and if they’re not clean, then your books smell like melons, and it’s just, like… Why don’t you just get a roommate and stay here?
Penny: Well, do you know anybody?
Leonard: Well, I’m sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn’t mind moving in with you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, honey, if we started living together, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Ugh. This mu-shu pork’s burning a hole through my duodenum.
Raj: Leviticus 11:3: “Only that which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye eat.”
Howard: Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad-Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper?
Leonard: Hey, what’s going on?
Raj: We’re on a quest through the Valley of f*re to acquire the sacred crown.
Howard: You want the Valley of f*re? It’s right here.
Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon: Outside? I just made cocoa.
Leonard: – Come on. It’ll be fun.
Howard: What is it?
Leonard: Do you guys remember Penny’s ex-boyfriend Kurt? (They all hold their hands above their heads) Yeah, that’s him. It turns out he owes Penny a lot of money, and I’m gonna go get it from him.
Who’s with me?
Howard: Ooh, double sixes.
Leonard: Really? You’re just gonna let me go by myself?
Raj: Oh, cool, I got a sword.
Leonard: I could use some help.
Raj: Here.
Leonard: You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?
Leonard: I do.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.
Leonard: I’m not afraid of him.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.
Leonard: Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?
Sheldon: They did.
Leonard: Well?
Sheldon: They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.
Raj: Plus, no one stole their pants.
Leonard: Fine. Just enjoy your little game. I’ll make this quest on my own.
Howard: Leonard, wait. Take a jacket, it’s spritzing a little.
Leonard: You guys suck. (Leaves. Comes back) Come on, please? He’s so big.
Scene: Outside Kurt’s door.
Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrappali’s going to wet himself, I’m gonna throw up, Sheldon’s gonna run away, and you’re going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Guys, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Leonard: Okay, how about this? I’ll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
Raj: I should’ve peed before we left.
Kurt: Yeah?
Leonard: Hi, Kurt.
Kurt: Lenny, right?
Leonard: I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.
Kurt: No. What do you want?
Sheldon: You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?
Leonard: Sheldon, not now.
Sheldon: I remember him.
Leonard: Okay, here it is. Penny’s in kind of a financial jam, and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
Kurt: And she sent you to get it from me?
Leonard: No, no, she’s too proud to ask for the money. I, on the other hand, feel you should honour your debt.
Kurt: You do?
Leonard: Feel is a kind of a… it’s a strong word. Um, I just think it would be a nice gesture on your part.
Kurt: She’ll get it when she gets it.
Howard: Well, there you go. Problem solved.
Raj: A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
Leonard: No, the problem isn’t solved. He just blew us off.
Sheldon: I’ve got it. He didn’t remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.
Howard: Come on, Leonard, let’s go
Leonard: No. You can leave if you want to. I’m gonna see this through.
Howard: Okay. (They leave)
Leonard: I guess, technically, that was my fault. (Knocks) I’m not leaving here without Penny’s money.
Kurt: What happened to your backup?
Leonard: I don’t need backup. I have right on my side. And I’m wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Congratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard has “I owe Penny $1800, Kurt” written on his forehead.)
Howard: Maybe we should have your head notarized.
Raj: If anybody cares, I still have to pee.
Scene: Outside the apartment. Penny knocks.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: Yeah. Hang on. Sheldon!
Penny: Nice hat.
Leonard: It’s kind of a fashionable look these days.
Penny: Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Darn. I can’t seem to get the hang of that.
Leonard: Hey, I know it’s none of my business, but where did the money come from?
Penny: Well, I cut back my expenses like you said and picked up a few more hours at the restaurant, but the biggest thing was, out of the blue, Kurt shows up and gives me the money he owes me.
Leonard: Really? Did he say why?
Penny: Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right.
Leonard: That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany?
Penny: Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.
Leonard: Penny’s hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!
Sheldon: That’s your badge of honour, your warrior’s wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon (sings): There once was a brave lad named Leonard, with a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant, while Raj just wanted to pee. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x14 - The Financial Permeability"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Rock Band. Sheldon is on guitar, Howard drums and Raj singing. They are performing the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Under the Bridge”. As Raj gets into the song, Penny enters and his singing turns into a squawk.
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It’s the sound of a cat being run over by a lawn mower.
Leonard (entering on the phone): I’m really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.
Penny: What’s that about?
Howard: Not a clue.
Leonard: Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?
Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard: Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yes, yes. Yeah, I’m definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: Okay, bye. My mother’s coming to visit.
Howard: How about that, you were right.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The lobby. Penny finds a woman studying the lift.
Penny: It’s out of order.
Woman: Yes, I can read the sign, I’m just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn’t work.
Woman: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust, which indicates that the elevator has been non-functional for a significant amount of time. Which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the, I assume, 24 to 36 residents of this building based on the number of mailboxes and given typical urban population density or a shared delusion of functionality.
Penny: You must be Leonard’s mother.
Leonard’s Mother: Oh, I don’t know if I must be, but yes.
Penny: Uh, I’m Penny. I’m his neighbour.
Leonard’s Mother: Oh, Dr. Beverley Hofstadter.
Penny: Oh, nice to meet you.
Beverley: Oh, you’re a hand shaker. Interesting.
Penny: Uh, why don’t you come with me. I’ll walk you to the apartment.
Beverley: Oh, all right. Would you like to exchange pleasantries on the way?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Beverley: All right, you start.
Penny: Okay. You know, I’ve always been curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverley: Oh, I think you mean young. He’s always been little.
Penny: Right, okay. What was he like when he was young?
Beverley: You’ll have to be more specific.
Penny: Oh, um, okay, like, five or six. Five.
Beverley: Oh, well, at that age he was well enmeshed in what Freud would call the phallic stage of psychosexual development. An outmoded theory, of course, but the boy did spend most of his waking hours with a tight grasp on his penis.
Penny: Yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
Beverley: Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
Penny: Oh, well, I’m an actress.
Beverley: Why?
Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverley: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penny: Yeah, I don’t know what that means.
Beverley: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
Penny: Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
Beverley: Tell me about it.
Slight time shift.
Penny: I know my dad wanted a boy. I just, I tried being good at sports, but I hated getting dirty!
Beverley: And then, I’m assuming, you entered adolescence.
Penny: Uh-huh, he called me Slugger until I got my first training bra, and then he just stopped playing catch with me. I wasn’t Slugger anymore. Your mother’s here!
Beverley: If you want to have intercourse with that girl, find out what kind of cologne her father wore.
Leonard: Good to see you, Mother.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here’s your tea, Mother.
Beverley: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Steeped three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Two-percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: One teaspoon sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverley: It’s cold.
Leonard: I’ll start again.
Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.
Beverley: Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverley: Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverley: Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.
Leonard: Here’s your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
Beverley: I’m sorry, it’s on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Aw…
Leonard: So, Mother, what’s new?
Beverley: You’ll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what’s new with you?
Beverley: Oh, well, I’ve been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverley: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverley: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.
Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.
Leonard: Yeah I, I thought you guys might h*t it off.
Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.
Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.
Sheldon: You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never h*t you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Sheldon, you don’t give your mother enough credit. She’s warm, she’s loving, she doesn’t glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: So, Dr. Hofstadter, Leonard rarely talks about his incredibly successful brother and sister.
Leonard: Please, don’t go there, Howard.
Howard: I understand that unlike Leonard, they’re at the top of their respective fields.
Leonard: Boy, you suck.
Beverley: Well, Leonard’s younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she’s close to curing diabetes?
Beverley: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverley: Why? They’re not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.
Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Howard: You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.
Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj: Yeah, you’re like the Jar Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard: Oh, meesa think yousa lookin’ so so sad.
Leonard: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard: Next time, don’t yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day?
Leonard: That was fast.
Beverley: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.
Sheldon: It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.
Beverley: So, where were we?
Leonard: Howard lives with his mother and Raj can’t speak to women unless he’s drunk. Go.
Beverley: That’s fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It’s just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverley: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one’s mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz h*m* marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what? (Raj whispers in his ear) That’s basically what I just said.
Leonard: You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.
Beverley: Leonard, it’s one o’clock, weren’t you going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock?
Leonard: There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.
Beverley: But it’s one o’clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock.
Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o’clock.
Leonard: Fine. Let’s go. I think you’ll find my work pretty interesting. I’m attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverley: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverley: Well, what’s the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.
Howard: Just for the record, we’re not in an ersatz h*m* relationship.
Raj: Well, then why didn’t you say that to her?
Howard: Why is it always my responsibility?
Raj: It’s not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week.
Howard: I can’t believe you’re bringing that up.
Raj: I didn’t bring it up. You did.
Howard: We’ll talk about this later.
Raj: You always say that, but we never do.
Sheldon: You went to the comic book store without me.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard: Yep.
Penny: Come on in. Wait, wait, she’s not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Oh, relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh, my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.
Leonard: She’s only been here a day and a half and I’m seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday and I’ve been half b*mb ever since.
Leonard: You can’t let her get into your head.
Penny: My head, what about yours?
Leonard: It’s too late for me. My head is her summer house.
Penny: She was right, you know. The locus of my identity is totally exterior to me.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, there she is. Hi, Mom.
Penny: I mean, do you know where I was all morning? Auditioning with 50 other blondes for some stupid antidepressant commercial. And for what? So I’ll finally get my daddy’s approval?
Leonard: Did you get the part?
Penny: No, they said I was too perky.
Leonard: Hey, you want to talk about not getting love from a parent. You know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn’t let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Of course she did. Anyway, that’s not what I was gonna say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker’s mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.
Scene: The stairwell.
Beverley: Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverley: Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.
Sheldon: I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.
Beverley: Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.
Sheldon: Oh, I can’t believe that.
Beverley: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Sheldon: My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.
Beverley: Understandable.
Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverley: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you.
Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverley: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.
Beverley: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverley: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I’d like to do the math.
Beverley: I’d like that, too.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny and Leonard are doing tequila sh*ts.
Penny: Okay, now this time…
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Penny: You’re gonna lick the salt off my neck, do the sh*t, and then bite the lime.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear anything after lick.
Penny: Neck, sh*t, lime. (Leonard starts licking her neck. He is there a long time) Okay, sh*t, lime.
Leonard: Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: So, what do you think?
Beverley: I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.
Beverley: True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.
Beverley: I see what you’re doing. You’re appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don’t you?
Beverley: Only when you’re in a CAT scanner.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Penny and Leonard are in bed.
Leonard: This is actually gonna happen.
Penny: Honey, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.
Leonard: You shush, I’m happy, I want to talk about it. You know what my mother would say about this? She would say because you were not loved by your father and I was not loved by my mother, that having sex is our way of making up for the intimacy we didn’t get as children.
Penny: Why would you bring that up right now?
Leonard: I don’t know. Foreplay?
Penny: So you’re saying you’re not having sex with me, you’re having sex with your mother?
Leonard: Ummm, I’m gonna go with “no.”
Penny: That is the sickest thing I’ve ever heard.
Leonard: Come on, you’re trying to have sex with your father, and I’m okay with that.
Scene: Penny’s front door.
Penny: Get out!
Leonard: She said shush. I should have shushed. (Enters apartment. Sheldon and Beverley are inside duetting on Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” on Rock Star.)
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: All right, Mother. Um, have a nice flight.
Beverley: That’s not really in my control, is it? Oh, uh, yes (gives him a very uncomfortable hug.)
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, good morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Look, I was just coming over to talk to you.
Leonard: You don’t have to. Ever.
Penny: Gotcha.
Leonard: Good-bye, Mother.
Beverley: Good-bye, Leonard. So, Slugger, shall we pick up where we left off last time?
Slight time shift.
Penny (in tears): I mean, my mom could’ve just said, “Bob, get over it, she’s a girl, move on.” But she didn’t. Not one word.
Beverley: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverley: Well, it would help me. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x15 - The Maternal Capacitance"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The paintball range.
Howard: That was close.
Raj: God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.
Howard: Yeah, still funny, Raj.
Leonard: There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.
Howard: But what about the creek bed?
Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.
Raj: Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed.
Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.
Howard: I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic.
Sheldon: And I told you I wanted to see a doctor’s note.
Raj: We need a plan. How about Operation Hammer of the Gods?
Leonard: I forget. Which one is Hammer of the Gods?
Raj: We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee.
Howard: No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.
Leonard: No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky.
Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.
Howard: Why don’t I run away and you cover me?
Sheldon: Because you chose your mother’s veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!
Howard: I had to take her! It’s almost bathing suit weather!(Another player bursts through the door)
I surrender! Don’t sh**t! They went that way!
Leslie: Howard, I’m on your team.
Howard: Oh, Leslie, thank God.
Leslie: Where’s the rest of your squad?
Howard: Ah, they left me here to die. What about yours?
Leslie: d*ad, all of them.
Howard: Sorry.
Leslie: Don’t be. It was friendly f*re. They just wouldn’t listen.
Howard: Well, we’re surrounded, so I guess there’s nothing for us to do but wait to be captured or k*lled.
Leslie: Hmm, that’s the worst part, the waiting.
Howard: All the while knowing that there’s a paint pellet out there with your name on it.
Leslie: Yeah, the big wet ball of death. Kind of makes you feel more alive, doesn’t it?
Howard: It kind of does.
Leslie: I say we make every moment count.
Howard: I agree. How exactly do we do that? (Leslie kisses him)
Leonard (voice): Howard, why aren’t you covering us? We’re getting slaughtered out here!
Howard: w*r is hell.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?
Leonard: Yeah, more cutbacks.
Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.
Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.
Leslie: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey, Leslie.
Howard: Hey.
Leslie: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard: That’s great, Leslie. Thanks.
Leslie: You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Rawr.
Raj: What was all that about?
Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow!
Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard: Are you done?
Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I’m done.
Raj: You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking Howard wasn’t making a back-scratching metaphor. I’m thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard: What about it, Howard?
Howard: Okay, I didn’t want to say anything ’cause I know you and Leslie have a little history.
Leonard: I don’t care about that.
Howard: Great, ’cause I’ve been dying to say something.
Leonard: You and Leslie?
Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon: Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.
Howard: Court-martial, schmort-martial, Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I’ve ever had sex with. I mean, for free.
Raj: And plus, you got a rapid prototyper. That’s an expensive piece of equipment, dude.
Leonard: And the rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Howard: Okay, one way to look at this is that I’m getting new equipment, and you’re not, and that’s unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I’m getting sex and you’re not, and that’s delightful.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is looking at Penny’s laptop.
Penny: The whole thing froze. I don’t know what happened.
Leonard: Calm down. We’ll figure it out.
Penny: How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just sh*t to hell.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I’m going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Don’t sit in his spot.
Penny: Fine. (Moves) Happy?
Sheldon: I’m not unhappy.
Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.
Leonard: Okay, that should do it.
Penny: Oh, thank you. You are a lifesaver.
Leonard: That’s a lot of shoes you ordered.
Penny: Yeah, you know the sad thing is, it’s really not. Ooh, is this one of those paintball g*n?
Leonard: Yeah. You ought to come out with us sometime.
Penny: Oh, no, thanks. I’m from Nebraska. When we sh**t things, it’s because we want to eat them or make them leave our boyfriends alone. (g*n goes off and sh**t three paint pellets onto Sheldon’s spot.)
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Leslie: Boy, your heart’s racing. I must’ve really gotten you going.
Howard: Well, it’s partly you, partly my transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leslie: Sexy.
Howard: Can I assume that you likewise found the experience…
Leslie: Satisfactory?
Howard: That wasn’t quite the word I was looking for, but sure, I’ll do this pass-fail.
Leslie: Hey, are you enjoying that prototyper I got you?
Howard: Oh, it’s great. Everybody in the Engineering Department is eating their hearts out.
Leslie: Isn’t it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable?
Howard: You know, most people don’t get that.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, I’m home!
Howard: Oh, great.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Book club was cancelled! That thing on Phyllis’s neck opened up again!
Howard: I’m busy, Ma!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Too busy to help your mother with her zipper?
Howard: Don’t come in, Ma!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Why not?
Leslie: He’s got company!
Howard: Oh, there’s the arrhythmia.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Is she Jewish?
Howard: Are you Jewish?
Leslie: No.
Howard: Yes!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Okay, then you kids have fun! Use protection!
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is trying to wash the paint off Sheldon’s seat.
Penny: You think he’ll notice?
Leonard: There’s a chance.
Penny: Oh, what are we gonna do?
Leonard: We? No, no, no, you had your chance to be we for, like, a year and a half now. Right now, you are you, and you are screwed.
Penny: Why do we have to tell him I did it?
Leonard: Well, we’re not gonna tell him I did it.
Penny: Okay, okay, how about this? We tell him somebody broke in.
Leonard: Just to sh**t the couch with a paintball g*n?
Penny: I’m sorry, I buy it. All those people are on drugs.
Leonard: We could tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.
Penny: Okay, fine. Well, what if we just flip it over? There. Looks fine, right?
Leonard: Mm, butt print. There’s no discernible butt print.
Penny: Oh, come on. (Sits and wriggles around) There, butt print.
Leonard: It’s too small and too perfect.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: You’re welcome.
Penny (as Sheldon enters): Shh! Act normal.
Leonard: Sheldon! How was the comic book store?
Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.
Leonard: Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly.
Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up.
Leonard: Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon: They don’t talk incessantly for no particular reason.
Leonard: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.
Leonard: Don’t you dare, missy.
Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right.
Leonard: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that.
Scene: The same. Everyone is eating. Sheldon is perched on the back of Leonard’s chair. He keeps making moaning noises. Saying “Excuse me” he tries moving back to his spot, but the cushion is not there. He tries perching on the arm in various positions.
Leonard: Why don’t you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon: Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard: Wackadoodle.
Howard: You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”?
Leonard: If it were your head, it would be.
Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through.
Sheldon: You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.
Leonard: Oh, for God’s sake, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?”
Howard (after his phone rings): Ooh, looks like I’m gonna have sex tonight. Hey, baby…
Penny: His right hand is calling him?
Leonard: No, it’s Leslie Winkle. It’s a long story.
Howard: I’ll pick you up in ten minutes. Gentlemen, adieu.
Leonard: I thought we were going to play Halo tonight.
Howard: What am I supposed to do, Leonard? There’s a woman out there anxious to have sex with me. You understand, right?
Penny: No. Not at all.
Howard: Nevertheless, I must depart. By the way, did I tell you? Leslie pulled some strings and got me on the research trip to Geneva to check out the CERN Supercollider.
Leonard: That’s not fair. You’re not even a physicist.
Howard: Okay, there are two ways of looking at this…
Leonard: Get out.
Howard: Bye.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Leslie: You’re improving.
Howard: Thank you. It helps when I get to practice with a real woman.
Leslie: Hey, listen. Saturday my sister’s getting married. I.. I want you to come with me. It’s black tie.
Howard: Yeah, gee, I’d really rather not.
Leslie: Why not?
Howard: When I go to weddings, it’s to scam on chunky bridesmaids. I don’t know what I would do with a date.
Leslie: Oh, all right. I understand.
Howard: Thanks.
Leslie: Hey, I’m really sorry about that Geneva trip.
Howard: What about it?
Leslie: Oh, didn’t you hear? I had to reduce the number of people going, and you didn’t make the cut.
Howard: When did that happen?
Leslie: About 12 seconds ago.
Howard: Well, hold on. Are you saying if I don’t go to the wedding, I can’t go to Geneva?
Leslie: Actually, I’m trying not to say it.
Howard: Okay, I’m sorry, but that makes me a little uncomfortable.
Leslie: How so?
Howard: Because it’s like you’re controlling me with new equipment and research trips.
Leslie: Well, if I weren’t controlling you with new equipment and research trips, then I’d be uncomfortable.
Howard: How so?
Leslie: ‘Cause then we’d be in, like, a real relationship with feelings and all that crap.
Howard: So, bottom line, I’m just a bought-and-paid-for sex toy.
Leslie: No. No, not at all. You’re also arm candy. So? What do you think?
Howard: Hey, Ma, you got to rent me a tux!
Howard’s Mother (voice): Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?
Scene: The apartment
Leonard: Why are you crouching there?
Sheldon: This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch?
Leonard: I don’t know. Texas?
Penny (arriving with cushion): Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.
Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new.
Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero.
Sheldon: There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
Sheldon: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean, nope? What’s wrong with it?
Leonard: Nothing, it’s what’s wrong with him.
Penny: It’s exactly the same…
Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon: More?
Leonard: I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights?
Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace.
Leonard: Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon: No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
Leonard: Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything.
Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon: What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up, right?
Leonard: Oh, God, I wish I had.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon: I still don’t like this cushion.
Scene: The paint ball range.
Leonard: Okay, first of all, Penny, thank you for coming.
Penny: Thanks for the shoes.
Leonard: Penny is an amazing sh*t. I think we have a real chance to win this week.
Howard: What’s the plan?
Leonard: Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight.
Sheldon: Right, just one thing before we start.
Leonard: What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon sh**t Penny)
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon: That was for my cushion.
Leonard: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.
Penny: Screw that. (sh**t Sheldon)
Sheldon: She can’t sh**t me. She’s d*ad.
Leonard: He’s right. You can’t. (sh**t Sheldon)
Sheldon: Well, if we’re going to descend into anarchy (sh**t Leonard)
Howard: Okay, see you.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Leslie: Surrender, then Denny’s. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x16 - The Cushion Saturation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Apartment
Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six torque screwdriver.
Sheldon: Stop. We can’t do this, it’s not right.
Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon: But once you open the box, you’ve voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we’ve entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard: Okay, then we won’t touch the hard drive. We’ll just erase the first season of Battlestar.
Sheldon (ripping off sticker): There. We’re outlaws.
Penny (entering with a pink suitcase): Here you go, Leonard. Is this going to be big enough?
Leonard: It’s perfect.
Howard: For taking daffodils to your unicorn.
Leonard: It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.
Penny: Oh, I love San Francisco. I wish I was going with you.
Sheldon: I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the nonequilibrium Green’s function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.
Penny: When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable cars.
Leonard: This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.
Penny: Oh, my God, the George Smoot?
Leonard: You’ve heard of him?
Penny: Of course I haven’t.
Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
Penny: It’s kind of a funny name, though, Smoot.
Sheldon: It’s like talking to a chimp.
Penny: Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.
Leonard: Yeah, I wish.
Sheldon: We’re not flying, we’re taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying, and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well, then why are you doing it?
Leonard: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train.
Sheldon: Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come?
Sheldon: Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.
Leonard: Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take?
Sheldon: Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.
Leonard: Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.
Sheldon: I don’t follow.
Leonard: I wouldn’t expect you to. I’ll see you later.
Sheldon: Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.
Scene: On the train.
Sheldon: What on earth are you doing?
Raj: Whatever it is, I’m guessing we’re doing it wrong.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.
Howard: Come on, Raj.
Raj: What’s wrong with Jiffy Lubes?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?
Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.
Sheldon: Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.
Raj: It’s not so bad, really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.
Sheldon: He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways’ magnificent Ranakpur Express and its twelve hundred kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.
Leonard: Oh, look, now he’s boring on an international scale.
Raj: Holy crap! Look!
Leonard: Is that who I think it is?
Howard: It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?
Leonard: Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator.
Sheldon: Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t k*ll me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard: At least he’s off the train crap.
Sheldon: Whee!
Howard: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I’ve actually got a sh*t at a Terminator.
Raj: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better sh*t of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard: You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: My money’s on tuck and roll.
Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
Howard: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
Sheldon: All right.
Howard: That’s Summer Glau.
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: That’s it.
Raj: Hang on a sec. Why do you get first crack at her?
Howard: Um, well, let’s see, couple reasons. One, I saw her first.
Raj: No, you didn’t. I did.
Howard: Fair enough. But then let me move on to number two, unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I’m sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying, pasty and frail never fail.
Leonard: Excuse me, but what about me? Why don’t I get a sh*t?
Howard: Fine, go ahead. Take a sh*t.
Leonard: You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.
Raj: Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol?
Sheldon: Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…
Raj: Yeah-yeah, which way?
Sheldon: and the upper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you’re going as far as Portland.
Leonard: So aren’t you going to go talk to her?
Howard: I will, I’m just working on my opening line.
Leonard: She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello?
Howard: No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.
Leonard: You’re going to need more than 11 hours.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Leonard: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So we have to go back.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.
Sheldon: You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.
Leonard: Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot?
Sheldon: It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.
Leonard: So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back.
Sheldon: Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.
Leonard: Right. Of course.
Sheldon: Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.
Leonard: Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.
Sheldon: You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train)
Leonard: Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.
Time Shift.
Howard (steeling himself to talk to Summer Glau, to himself): It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed?
Sheldon: Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.
Leonard: I’ve got a better idea.
Sheldon: Are you going to be sarcastic?
Leonard: Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me. But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?
Sheldon: But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: The key is hidden in my room.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: Penny would have to go into my room.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: People don’t go in my room!
Leonard: I see. Well, it seems once again, you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens.
Howard (to self): It’s hot in here. It must be Summer. It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. It’s hot in here. Must be Summer.
Raj (walking past and straight up to Summer Glau): It’s hot in here. Must be Summer.
Summer: That’s cute.
Raj: Really? I just made it up. Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?
Summer: Oh, yeah, I loved it.
Raj: It’s loosely based on my life.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is on the phone.
Penny: Yeah, we’re putting the play on for one night in this little 99-seat theatre. Can you come? Oh, great. Do you know 98 other people that might want to come? Oh, hang on. (Switches to another line) Hello?
Sheldon (on phone): Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter.
Penny: Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, n*zi a*tillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello?
Sheldon: Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?
Penny: Your dresser? Who is this?
Sheldon: It’s Sheldon.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?
Sheldon: I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?
Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what’s up?
Sheldon: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be…
Leonard: Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It’s Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
Leonard: He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour.
Sheldon: Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.
Penny: Oh, hang on, Sheldon, getting another call.
Sheldon: No! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.
Raj: And that bright little star peeking her head out early today, that’s Venus.
Summer: That is so cool. You really know a lot about space.
Raj: Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space.
Summer: You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?
Raj: You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. Now, him, he’s one of those geeks.
Sheldon: All right, now, before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this onetime grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It’s a legal right
of access. Good grief. What? No, don’t put me on hold. Oh!
Howard: Do you believe him? Normally around women, he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he’s M. Night Charmalarmalon.
Leonard: Is that what he’s drinking? It’s not even real beer.
Howard: What?
Leonard: Look at it. Non-alcoholic beer.
Howard: What’s going on?
Leonard: I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.
Howard: Placebo, you say. Interesting.
Sheldon: Yes, I’m still here. Where am I going? I’m on a train. Now, what you’ll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman’s sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman’s Sphere. It’s a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock.
Raj: Actually, in India, the names of constellations are different. Where you have the Big Dipper, we have the Big Curry Pot.
Summer: You’re making that up.
Raj: You got me. Now what are you going to do with me?
Howard: Raj.
Raj: Yes?
Howard: Look.
Raj: What am I looking at?
Howard: You tell me.
Raj: Non-alcoholic bee-ee-eeuh (Runs off)
Howard: Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.
Penny: Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters.
Sheldon: That’s the wrong box. Put it back.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Sheldon: Don’t read those letters!
Penny: Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.
Sheldon: Put down the letters!
Leonard: Hey, Penny. It’s Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. How’s the train ride?
Leonard: Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth.
Penny: Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: I’m back.
Penny: What up, Moon Pie?
Sheldon: Nobody calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw!
Leonard: Hey, Penny. Leonard again.
Howard: So anyway, in the dream, you and I were ice skating, just the two of us. And then, I picked you up by your ankles and twirled you round and round until your legs tore off. I tried to stick them back on, but before I could, you turned into a giant loaf of pumpernickel bread. What do you think that means?
Summer (uncomfortable): I really don’t know.
Howard: I’ll give you a little clue. My favourite sandwich? Salami on pumpernickel.
Summer: Is that so?
Howard: And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin?
Summer: No. I didn’t.
Penny: Okay, I found the box. Now what?
Sheldon: You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.
Penny: Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
Sheldon: No, it’s a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Now, did you hear the click?
Penny: Not yet. (Puts box on ground and stomps on it)There it is.
Howard: Okay, here’s another one. If you married the famous rock guitarist Johnny Winter, you’d be Summer Winter.
Summer: Uh-huh.
Howard: Okay, I’m going to just go for broke here and say I like you.
Summer: Yeah?
Howard: So here’s my question, do you realistically see any conversational path that would take me from where we are right now to a place where I could ask you out and you’d say yes?
Summer: No.
Howard: Fair enough. I’ll leave you in peace.
Summer: Thank you.
Howard: But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page?
Summer: Sure.
Howard: Okay. Great. Now, can I take one where it looks like we’re making out?
Sheldon: Okay, now you’re going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up, now, please put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck’s mouth.
Leonard: Hey, how’d it go?
Howard: Terminator broke my phone.
Leonard: Excuse me. (Goes down to Summer) Okay, I’ll be honest with you. I’ve just spent the last two hours imagining various scenarios in my head, trying to come up with some clever line to say to you. But then I finally realized you’re a human being; I’m a human being. I could just say to you…
Announcer: Next stop: Santa Barbara.
Summer: I’m sorry. This is me.
Leonard: Hi, my name’s Leonard.
Scene: The conference.
Sheldon: So, I’m thinking, you won the Nobel Prize what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of what has Smoot done lately? My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and when we win the Nobel Prize, you’ll be back on top.
George Smoot: With all due respect, Dr. Cooper, are you on crack?
Sheldon: Fine! Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x17 - The Terminator Decoupling"} | foreverdreaming |
: The apartment.
Raj: Knight to queen’s bishop-five.
Howard: Oh, very nice. What’s Leonard going to do? Does he give up the pawn or does he give up the position?
Raj: Let’s find out. Leonard, ready?
Leonard: Ready.
Raj: Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.)
Leonard: Damn it. I slipped.
Howard: Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up.
Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, Penny has a don’t knock on my door before eleven o’clock or I punch you in the throat rule.
All: Ah.
Howard: Hey, you know what’d be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play Laser Obstacle Strip Chess.
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don’t want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Sheldon stands looking at his watch with his hand poised to knock. At the right moment he starts knocking.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s eleven am.
Penny: I know. You’re safe.
Sheldon: This package came while you were at work.
Penny: Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You have to sign this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones.
Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing.
Sheldon: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business.
Sheldon: Obviously, not a cleaning business.
Penny: No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.
Sheldon: Good for you. Sign here.
Penny: Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore.
Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?
Penny: Another waitress.
Sheldon: What’s her name?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: And you’re going to let her handle my food?
Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.
Sheldon: I think you’re just making that up.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life.
Leonard: Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.
Penny: Fine, cheeseburger.
Sheldon: Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.
Penny: So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?
Sheldon: How many of these can you make a day?
Penny: About twenty.
Sheldon: And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?
Penny: I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure.
Sheldon: No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.
Penny: That’s all?
Sheldon: Before taxes.
Penny: Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff.
Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.
Penny: And you know about that stuff?
Sheldon: Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who’s Radiohead?
Sheldon: I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.
Penny: Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?
Sheldon: Of course I could.
Penny: Sheldon, wait! Will you?
Sheldon: Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?
Penny: I understand.
Sheldon: And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.
Penny: Oh, imagine that.
Sheldon: Sarcasm. Good-bye.
Penny: No, sorry. Wait! Please come back!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is making a barette. Sheldon is timing her.
Penny: There. Done.
Sheldon: All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.
Penny: Pretty good, right?
Sheldon: That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.
Penny: A day?
Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.
Penny: That just can’t be right.
Sheldon: You’re questioning my math?
Penny: No, sorry.
Sheldon: Want me to show my work?
Penny: Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it.
Sheldon: All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.
Penny: Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending.
Sheldon: That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.
Penny: All right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?
Sheldon: You’re thinking of the moving assembly line, an understandable but not excusable mistake. No. The moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low-unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn’t one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead.
Scene: The apartment
Leonard: Let’s go. We’re going to miss the coming attractions.
Raj: What’s the matter?
Howard: I think I bruised a testicle capturing that last pawn.
From Penny’s apartment they hear Penny and Sheldon singing “Blow the man down.” They enter to find Sheldon and Penny working together on the barettes.
Leonard: Hello?
Penny & Sheldon together: Hello. (They resume singing and working)
Leonard: W-W-Wait, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.
Penny: Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.
Leonard: Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.
Sheldon: Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)
Howard: Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent?
Sheldon: Hot glue.
Howard: You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.
Sheldon: It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.
Leonard: What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?
Sheldon: Intriguing.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?
Penny: Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town.
Sheldon: Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.
Howard: Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.
Leonard: She’d need some kind of industrial cooling system.
Sheldon: Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
Penny: Yeah, it’s a bitch.
Howard: Uh, I’ve seen this before.
Leonard: Where?
Howard: It’s a common stripper problem. They dance, they sweat, they clump.
Penny: Ew.
Leonard: Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?
Howard: Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work.
Sheldon: Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?
Leonard & Howard: Oh!
Penny: I’ve got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen.
Sheldon: Wow.
Leonard: Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.
Sheldon: Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.
Penny: Well, what’s wrong with my apartment?
Sheldon: It’s not my apartment.
Penny: Wait, wait, what am I going to do?
Leonard: Uh, hey, it’s your business. Do whatever you want.
Penny: Oh, okay, cool. I’m going to take a nap.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m still tweaking things a little bit, but this will give you the general idea of the Web site. So, what do you guys think?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Uh, pretty much any way I say that is going to hurt his feelings.
Leonard: Okay, what’s wrong with it?
Sheldon: – What’s wrong with it?
Leonard: Not you. I wasn’t asking you. Penny?
Penny: Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.
Leonard: No, it doesn’t.
Howard: Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators.
Sheldon: Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.
Leonard: You want to f*re me?
Sheldon: What I want is irrelevant. This is Penny’s decision. Penny?
Leonard: Excuse me, but if I did such a bad job then why do we already have orders?
Penny: We do?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Look. Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two.
Penny: No kidding. Two?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Look at the comments.
Penny: Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet.
Sheldon: Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.
Penny: How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?
Howard: We add Bluetooth!
Sheldon: Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.
Penny: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Sheldon: Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.
Leonard: Holy crap. Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms.
Penny: Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?
Leonard: The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau.
Sheldon: Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.
Howard: And I’ll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.
Sheldon: We should get to work.
Penny: Wait, wait, wait, why does it say one-day rush? Since when do we offer a one-day rush?
Leonard: Amazon offers one-day rush.
Penny: Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day?
Leonard: Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.
Penny: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don’t see how see can pull this off.
Sheldon: Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard: They didn’t quit. They were massacred by, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.
Sheldon: Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night’s work.
Penny: You guys get started.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: Going online to buy shoes!
Scene: The same, later. Sheldon and Penny are making barettes, singing “She’ll be coming round the mountain.”
Raj: You know, if I wanted to spend my Saturday nights doing this, I could have stayed in India.
Howard: Oh, stop with the fake third world crap. Your father’s a gynaecologist, and you had a house full of servants.
Raj: We only had four servants. And two of them were children.
Leonard: How are we doing?
Raj: We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.
Howard: Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?
Sheldon: I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!
Penny: Nicely done.
Sheldon: Thank you. You hear any union talk, you let me know.
Time shift
Leonard (singing): Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah…
Howard (reluctantly singing): Someone’s in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow
Penny (singing): Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him)
Sheldon (waking up, singing): ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.
Penny: Honey, do you want some coffee?
Sheldon: No, I don’t drink coffee.
Penny: Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.
Penny: Leonard, help.
Leonard: Sheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make.
Sheldon: I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail.
Sheldon: You’re right, of course.
Penny: Here, this will help.
Sheldon: Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.
Time shift
Sheldon: Look at Planck’s Constant. People say it’s arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let’s reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that’s not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we’re being offered a cr*cker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let’s call it universe prime, there’s another Sheldon, let’s call him Sheldon prime…
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard: Bam.
Time shift
Leonard: I can’t believe we actually did it.
Howard: 1,000 friggin’ Penny Blossoms.
Penny: I just want you guys to know I am really grateful for your help, and for every dollar I make, I’m going to give you 20 cents.
Howard: That’s your entire profit margin.
Penny: Oh. Then never mind.
Leonard: I’ll print out the shipping label. Uh-oh.
Penny: What?
Leonard: We got an e-mail from the East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance. They want another thousand Penny Blossoms.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: One-day rush. I really need to take that off the Web site.
Penny: Okay, well. Guess we’d better get started.
Howard: You can’t be serious.
Penny: Come on. What about the living organism of the workforce and the American spirit and Jiminy Crockett at the Alamo?
Leonard: Davy Crockett. Jiminy Crockett was a cricket.
Penny: Yes, yes, I know that, okay? I’m tired, I’ve had like 18 cups of coffee. The point is, if we all just pull together, we can do this. Who’s with me?
Howard: Penny, although you may find it hard to believe, we do have lives.
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Sorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey.
Sheldon (entering dressed as The Flash): Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?
Penny: We’re all out.
Sheldon: No problem. I’ll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!
Scene: The apartment. Raj is negotiating the laser beams. Sheldon and Howard are singing dramatically.
Raj (reaching the other side): Yes! (He takes a slice of pizza)
Howard: Sorry, guys, but Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Lunch is just stupid. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x18 - The Work Song Nanocluster"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, it’s done. Look, guys, for the future, I don’t mind k*lling the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.
Sheldon: Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not that bad.
Sheldon: Not bad? It’s horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it’ll happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings, get over it. New topic, please.
Howard: All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So, there is a number.
Penny: Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?
Leonard: Shh-shh-shh!
Sheldon: What?
Penny: The people upstairs are moving out.
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: The horror!
Leonard: Why would you just say something like that?
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…
Penny: How else was I supposed to say it?
Leonard: Slowly, like putting a new fish in a t*nk. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.
Sheldon: The horror!
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.
Sheldon: No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.
Penny: Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I’m sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can’t know that. How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You’re right, I can’t. You know what? Anyone could rent that apartment now, an opera singer, the cast of stomp, yeah, a tap-dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn’t go for it.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, that’s a great idea.
Leonard: What?
Howard: I’ll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother, and we can all spend some more time together, if you catch my drift.
Penny: The horror!
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house.
Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?
Leonard: I’m sorry, that really is how it works.
Sheldon: You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get?
Leonard: Raj, help me out here.
Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.
Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?
Howard (voice from inside): Enough with the guilt, ma, we’ll still see each other. I’ll come over every night and have dinner with you.
Howard’s Mother (voice): The hell you will! What am I running here, a fancy restaurant? Does this look like Olive Garden?
Howard (voice): Okay, I get it, you’re angry. You don’t want to see your little bird leave the nest.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Little bird? You’re almost 30, fly, for god’s sake!
Howard (voice): Fine, I’ll stay! You happy, crazy lady? I sure as hell hope so, because you’re ruining my life!
Leonard (into phone): Hey, Penny, it’s Leonard. Good news, you can take your head out of the oven.
Sheldon (removing hernia support): I guess I won’t be needing this.
Scene: The lobby, there are boxes everywhere and removal men are carrying them up the stairs.
Sheldon: Oh, no, the new ones, they’re here.
Leonard: Stay calm, we don’t know anything about them yet. What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says kitchen.
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box?
Blonde girl (arriving): Hello?
Leonard: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Blonde Girl: Hello.
Leonard: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Blonde Girl: I’m Alicia. I’m moving in upstairs.
Leonard: That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment.
Alicia: That’s nice.
Leonard: Yeah, it is.
Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.
Alicia: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?
Alicia: Freakishly feline?
Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?
Alicia: No.
Leonard: You’re making her uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?
Alicia: What?!
Sheldon: I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.
Alicia: I have no immediate plans.
Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?
Alicia: Pro?
Sheldon: Alicia?
Alicia: Yes?
Sheldon: Welcome to the building.
Scene: The stairs
Alicia:Thanks so much for helping me, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to help.
Penny (exiting apartment): Oh, hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. this is Alicia, our new neighbour.
Penny: Hi.
Alicia: Hi.
Leonard: I’m helping.
Penny: I can see.
Sheldon: Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her.
Alicia: Cool t-shirt.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging.
Sheldon: You don’t jog.
Penny: I can start.
Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You’re welcome, Penny.
Alicia: Please, you look cute. I’m dressed like a slob today, too.
Leonard: I think you look fantastic.
Alicia: This one’s a player, huh?
Penny: Oh, yeah, be careful.
Alicia: Thanks for the warning.
Penny: Okay.
Alicia: I’ll see you around.
Penny: See ya. I’m dressed like a slob today, too.
Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing on an imaginary board. There is a knock on the door.
Sheldon: Come.
Penny (entering): Hey.
Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.
Penny: Well, sort of.
Sheldon: How does one sort of…
Penny: I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.
Penny: Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?
Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.
Penny: Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical.
Sheldon: It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: Okay, now I see the giant squid head. (Leaves)
Sheldon: Oh, great! now, I have to start all over again. (Rubs out imaginary workings)
Scene: Alicia’s apartment.
Howard: Yeah, I thought about renting this apartment, but I’m really more of a downtown loft kind of guy.
Alicia: Cool. so are you in a loft now?
Howard: Oh, actually I’m, uh, living with a woman in Altadena. Purely platonic, she’s also my maid.
Alicia: Sounds like a sweet deal.
Howard: I won’t lie, it’s pretty dope.
Penny (arriving): Hello?
Alicia: Oh, hey.
Penny: Hey, I just wanted to bring you a little housewarming gift.
Alicia: That is so sweet. Come on in, let’s open it.
Penny: Great.
Alicia: Nice dress.
Penny: Oh, this? I’m dressed like a slob today.
Alicia: The guys have been helping me set up my sound system. I’ve never had such good-looking technical support.
Howard: Oh, pish-posh. (Raj whispers to him) I don’t know, it means shucks. (Raj whispers again) Shucks means shucks. Let one go once in a while.
Leonard: Hey, uh, penny, you want to hear something awesome?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Alicia is an actress, just like you.
Penny: That is so awesome.
Alicia: Well, trying to be, but it’s so hard.
Penny: Yeah, I know, tell me about it.
Alicia: I’ve been out here three months, and all I’ve gotten is a couple of national commercials and this recurring thing on a soap.
Penny: That’s why I work at the Cheesecake Factory, I’m holding out for the right part.
Leonard: Alicia, what do you want as your default setting for DVDs, 5.1 Dolby or DTS?
Alicia: Whatever you think is best, cutie.
Leonard: Well, DTS has more low end, so… okay.
Penny: Uh, hey, guys, guys, you will really appreciate this, I read the best science joke on the internet. Alicia, you won’t get it, but it’s right up their alley. Anyway, so, this physicist goes into an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he’s doing. The man says, “well, I’m a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.” The owner then says, “well, lots of single, beautiful women come in here every day, why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you?” And the physicist says, “yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?”
Leonard: It’s a little insulting, don’t you think?
Penny: How would I know? I’m not even sure I get it.
Alicia: Hey, Leonard? If you’re done with the DVD player, can you set up my printer?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, I’d love to.
Penny: Uh, hey, maybe when you’re done with her printer, you could set up mine. You know, like you promised a week ago.
Leonard: Yeah, I’ll get to it, don’t nag me.
Raj (drinking some wine): Hello there
Scene: The apartment. Penny walks in without knocking and collapses on the sofa.
Sheldon: Who is it? Oh hello, Penny, it’s open, come in. Sarcasm.
Penny: Well, they’re all still up there.
Sheldon: You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.
Penny: I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care.
Sheldon: You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying, that I’m thr*at by Alicia? That I’m like the old queen of the hive and it’s just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I’m just talking about bees. They’re on the discovery channel. What are you talking about?
Penny: Bees. Aaah! I just got that physicist joke.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Gee, Penny, thanks for buying us dinner.
Howard: Yeah, what’s the occasion?
Penny: No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.
Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes
Sheldon: Good. See how it’s done, Leonard?
Penny: So, what do we got going on tonight, huh? Playing Halo watching Battlestar, drop some mentos in diet coke?
Leonard: You want to watch Battlestar?
Penny: What can I say? I got my geek on, boys.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, no, PMS is different. (There is a knock on the door. Leonard answers it.)
Alicia: Oh, thank God you’re home. I need help.
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Alicia: I just got a callback to audition for CSI to play a hooker who gets k*lled.
Leonard: Oh, I’d watch that.
Alicia: But my car is in the shop, and I have to be at Universal in forty-five minutes.
Leonard: Okay, well, I’ll take you.
Alicia: Oh, you’re a lifesaver.
Howard: I’ll run lines with you in the car.
Alicia: Great. And afterward, I’ll take you all out for Chinese.
Penny: Oh, actually, that’s okay. we already have…
Howard: Yum. Starving.
Penny: …chinese food right here.
Sheldon: They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.
Penny: I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV?
Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.
Penny: Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.
Sheldon: May I interject something here?
Penny: Please.
Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.
Scene: The laundry room.
Alicia: Hi.
Penny:
Alicia: Guess what? I got the part on CSI.
Penny: Oh boy.
Alicia: Something wrong?
Penny: Uh, no. No, no, no, you know, congratulations, I think you’ll make a great hooker.
Alicia: Thank you. Hey, I got to ask you something, how much do physicists make?
Penny: Um, I don’t know, I don’t think a lot.
Alicia: Yeah, that’s what I figured. Well, got to run, the guys promised to set up my satellite dish and paint my bedroom. Yay!
Penny: Um, hey, hey, can I talk to you about that for a second?
Alicia: About what?
Penny: Well, you know, it’s just that Leonard and Howard and Raj, they aren’t like other guys. They’re special.
Alicia: Okay, they’re special, and?
Penny: Oh, let’s see, how can I explain this, um, they don’t know how to use their shields.
Alicia: Shields?
Penny: Yeah, you know, like in Star Trek, when you’re in battle and you raise the shields? Where the hell did that come from? Anyways, um, you know how guys like this are, so, please don’t take advantage of them.
Alicia: Who says I’m taking advantage of them?
Penny: Come on, they’re doing everything for you, because you’re leading them on.
Alicia: So I let them do stuff for me. They’re happy. I get stuff. Who cares? And how’s it any different from what you do?
Penny: Excuse me?
Alicia: I’ve seen you around them. Are you pretending like you don’t do the exact same thing?
Penny: Okay, lady, you are way out of line.
Alicia: Oh, I’m out of line?
Penny: Yeah, you’re out of line.
Alicia: Well, what are you going to do about it, bitch?
Scene: Outside the building.
Raj: I like green lantern, I’m just saying it’s pretty lame that He can be defeated by the colour yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern green lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden age green lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Raj: Great, so I can take them both out with a number-two pencil?
Howard: Oh, my God! Girl fight! (He grabs Leonard)
Leonard: What are you doing?
Howard: I know you. you’re stupid enough to break it up.
Scene: The apartment. Penny has a black eye.
Howard: May I say you look very comely tonight?
Penny: Thank you.
Howard: You’re right, this filly’s been broken.
Sheldon (as music comes down through ceiling): You set it on DTS, didn’t you?
Leonard: I had to, she called me cutie.
Howard: According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
Penny: Well, d*ad whore on TV, live one in real life.
Sheldon: Oh, great now she’s jumping up and down on the bed. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x19 - The d*ad Hooker Juxtaposition"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hu-u-u-uh…. Hu-u-u-uh!
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: This is Thai food.
Howard: Here we go.
Sheldon: We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.
Leonard: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Sheldon: Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Howard: Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately.
Sheldon: Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.
Raj: I could go for some goat.
Leonard: Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight.
Sheldon: All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.
Raj: We went to the comic book store last night.
Sheldon: Last night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic book night. Tonight, we’ll be going on Thursday, because it’s Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Leonard: Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.
Raj: So what are we going to do tonight?
Howard: If I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies’ Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O sh*ts.
Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
Howard: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?
Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
Howard: Yeah, that one. You can modify it to calculate our chances of having sex by changing the formula to use the number of single women in Los Angeles, the number of those who might find us attractive, and what I call the Wolowitz Coefficient.
Raj: The Wolowitz Coefficient?
Howard: Neediness times dress size squared. Crunching the numbers, I come up with a conservative 5,812 potential sex partners within a 40-mile radius.
Leonard: You’re joking.
Howard: I’m a horny engineer, Leonard. I never joke about math or sex.
Raj: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s bounce, bitches.
Leonard: You’re right. It’s Anything Can Happen Thursday, let’s h*t the clubs and meet hot women!
Raj: Here we go. Lock up your daughters! We’re going to h*t it and quit it.
Leonard: Or we could finish eating and go to the comic book store.
Raj: Also a good plan.
Howard: Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar.
Leonard: Oh, absolutely.
Raj: You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you!
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Credits sequence.
Penny: Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed?
Leonard: To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.
Penny: You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?
Sheldon: I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages.
Penny: Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?
Leonard: Sure. What does he like?
Penny: I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything.
Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.
Penny: Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.
Sheldon: Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?
Penny: Ugh, that’s what I was trying to avoid.
Sheldon: Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.
Scene: The comic book store.
Penny: Oh, what a cute, little store. Everybody’s staring at me.
Leonard: Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.
Penny: Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew?
Sheldon: A superb choice.
Penny: Oh, great.
Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.
Penny: What’s a multiverse?
Sheldon: Get her out of here.
Leonard: Come on, I’ll help you pick something.
Raj: That’s right. She’s with us. Guys like that are so pathetic.
Howard: Tell me about it. Look, a new Batman belt buckle.
Store clerk: Oh, hey, Leonard. Can I help you find something?
Leonard: Oh, hey, Stuart. This is Penny. She’s looking for some comic books.
Stuart: Oh, really. Blink twice if you’re here against your will.
Leonard: I think we’re fine, Stuart.
Stuart: Let me know if you need anything.
Penny: Thanks. He seems like a nice guy.
Leonard: You mean for someone who’s into comic books?
Penny: No, no, no, I just meant for… yeah.
Leonard: Penny, just because people appreciate comic books doesn’t make them weirdos. Stuart’s a terrific artist. He went to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Penny: What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants?
Leonard: Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.
(Howard and Sheldon are looking through a rack of comic books. Each says “Got it” in turn as they look past each book until they eventually reach the one in the middle when they both together grab the book and shout “Need it!”)
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why should I let it go? I saw it first.
Howard: Yes, but I saw it from the front.
Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.
Howard: Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection.
Sheldon: I need it for my Robin collection.
Howard: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
Sheldon: Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.
Howard: You let go.
Sheldon: No, you!
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.
Howard: It’s my comic book!
Sheldon: Leonard, we need a ruling.
Leonard: Uh, cut it in half?
Penny: Excuse me.
Stuart: Hello again.
Penny: Hi. What would you recommend as a present for a 13-year-old boy?
Stuart: A 13-year-old girl. But if you’re d*ad set on a comic book, try this.
Penny: Oh, Hellblazer. What’s this about?
Stuart: A morally ambiguous confidence man who smokes, has lung cancer and is tormented by the spirits of the undead.
Penny: Well, if that doesn’t make me the favourite aunt, I don’t know what will. Is this me?
Stuart: Depends. Do you like it?
Penny: It’s really good.
Stuart: Yes, that’s you.
Penny: That’s so sweet, but what if I didn’t like it?
Stuart: It’d still be you, but I’d feel like an idiot.
Leonard: I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.
Howard: I have got to learn how to draw. Hey!
Sheldon: Once again, defeated by your own prurient interests.
Raj: Guys, have you seen Stuart all up in Penny’s business over there?
Leonard: Nobody’s up in anybody’s business, let’s just buy our stuff and go.
Penny: Okay, you’ve got my number, now, give me the picture.
Stuart: You drive a hard bargain, but here.
Penny: All right. So, um, just give me a call.
Sheldon: So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the comic book.
Sheldon: Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard: When did you pick up on that?
Sheldon: A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?
Leonard: Sure, why not?
Sheldon: Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.
Leonard: Gee, thanks a lot.
Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?
Leonard: I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy.
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.
Leonard: You’re right, I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.
Sheldon: My original point.
Scene: The stairs.
Sheldon: Chinese food, vintage video games. After the nightmare of Anything Can Happen Thursday, this is Friday night the way it was meant to be.
Howard: Who’s up for Sheldon-Free Saturday?
Penny (coming out of apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hey, Penny… and Stuart, hey Stuart.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: So what are you kids up to?
Penny: Uh, Stuart has a piece in an art show that’s opening tonight.
Leonard: And you guys are going together, great…
Stuart: It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?
Penny: It’s Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games, right?
Sheldon: Vintage doesn’t even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It’s the buggy beta version.
Penny: Wow, Zork. Well, you guys have fun.
Stuart: Yeah, see you guys.
Howard: See you, Stuart.
Leonard: Hey, Howard?
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: Take me to a bar with women.
Howard: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Okay! Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.
Leonard: Why?
Howard: Well, if I get lucky, I don’t want to be caught in my Aquaman briefs.
Leonard (to Raj): Do you…? (Raj checks his underwear) Let’s go.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: May I have a grasshopper with a little umbrella, please?
Howard: No, he may not.
Raj: Why?
Howard: I’m not sitting here with a guy drinking a grasshopper with a little umbrella.
Raj: Fine. I’ll have a chocolate martini.
Howard: Wrong again!
Raj: Come on, you know I can’t talk to women unless I’m lit up like the Hindu festival of Diwali.
Howard: Look, there are plenty of bars in Los Angeles where you can order grasshoppers and chocolate martinis, but you wouldn’t have to because there are no women in them.
Raj: Gotcha. I’ll have a Brandy Alexander.
Howard: All right, the Three Musketeers just became the Dynamic Duo.
Leonard: Should we talk to some of these women?
Howard: It’s way too early in the night for that. See, first we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak and the old and the lame.
Leonard: That’s your system?
Howard: That’s my system. Oh, and if you spot a chick with a Seeing Eye dog, she’s mine.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Oh come on. I think it’s nice that Captain Sweatpants showed up to your art opening.
Stuart: Yeah, it would have been nicer if he hadn’t touched all the cheese.
Penny: Um, you know, it’s kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something?
Stuart: Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?
Penny: Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.
Sheldon: Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Penny: Sheldon, we’re a little busy here, so…
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Stuart: We’re having coffee.
Sheldon: Isn’t it a little late for coffee?
Stuart: It’s okay. She thinks she has decaf.
Penny: I’ll just go look for it.
Stuart: What’s up?
Sheldon: Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.
Stuart: Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic?
Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.
Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.
Sheldon: Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative.
Penny: I found the decaf!
Stuart: Oh, great!
Sheldon: Yeah, herbal tea for me, please.
Scene: The bar.
Raj: Barkeep! Alexander me.
Leonard: How about those two?
Howard: Nah, they’re eating peanuts, and my allergies, one kiss would put me in Cedar-Sinai for a week.
Leonard: What about the ones in the corner?
Howard: Possible, very possible. Do you want the one in the whiplash collar or the one who keeps blinking?
Leonard: I think Blinky’s cute.
Howard: You got it, sir.
Leonard: Wait, so we just go over there?
Howard: No, we have a little prep work to do. Put this in your mouth. We walk past them, you stumble a bit. I say, sorry, my friend’s had a little too much, and then I start to pull it out of your mouth and say, a little too much fun. Get it? I mean, they’re laughing, we’re laughing, and then we get them up to about a .15 blood alcohol level, and tell them we’re millionaires.
Leonard: What else you got?
Howard: Depends. Are you willing to sit on my lap and pretend to be a ventriloquist dummy?
Leonard: No.
Howard: I can’t sit on your lap, you don’t know the routine.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Stuart: I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.
Sheldon: Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the k*ller of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.
Stuart: Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right.
Sheldon: Au contraire.
Stuart: Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.
Sheldon: I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.
Stuart: Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep.
Sheldon: So, I win.
Stuart: No, I’m tired.
Sheldon: So, I win.
Stuart: Fine. You win.
Sheldon: Darn tootin’, I win.
Stuart: Penny, I really had a terrific time. Penny?
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, don’t wake her. She’ll maul you like a rabid wolverine.
Stuart: You know, I don’t think that was decaf.
Scene: The bar.
Howard: Wait, is this your card or isn’t it? Trust me, this was their card.
Leonard: I thought you were good at this. You’re always talking about how you go to bars and meet women.
Howard: I do, all the time.
Leonard: Well, what happened? We’ve been sitting here all night and the longest conversation you’ve had with a woman was when your mom called.
Howard: Wow, you’re just going to make me come out and say it, aren’t you?
Leonard: Say what?
Howard: You’re weighing me down. I’m a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll sit here. You take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Leonard: Actually, you can. There’s a whole sport built around it. Falconry.
Howard: Shut up. Let’s just get Koothrappali and go. (They turn to see Raj with his tongue down the throat of a “larger lady” by the bar.) Lucky bastard. It’s got to be that stupid accent of his. (To a girl nearby) Hello. I am Sanjay Wolowitz from b*mb. Okay, I’m stumped.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. He wakes up clutched in the arms of the large lady. Tries to get away. She clutches him tighter. He shrugs and goes back to sleep. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x20 - The Hofstadter Isotope"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, are you from Star Wars universe?
Leonard: Yes
Howard: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard: Yes
Howard: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard: God, I hope not. And no, I’m not Princess Leia.
Raj: Oh, okay, okay, my turn. Are you in the six Star Wars movies?
Leonard: Yes
Raj: Interesting. Are you a Droid?
Leonard: Yes
Raj: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard: Yes
Raj: C3PO.
Leonard: You got it.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.
Howard (phone rings): Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now.
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?
Leonard: No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.
Leonard: Alright, back to the game.
Sheldon: I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.
Raj: Are you Spock?
Sheldon: I don’t like this game.
Howard: So, where were we?
Raj: Aren’t you leaving for your booty call?
Howard: No, it was something else. Why does everything have to be about sex with you? Come on. Who’s turn is it?
Leonard: We were up to you.
Howard: Great, just start.
Leonard: Okay, let’s see. Are you from a TV series?
Howard: She dumped me!
Sheldon: I bet he’s someone from Babylon 5, we’re never going to guess.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A few moments later.
Raj: What happened with Leslie, why did she dump you?
Howard: I don’t know. She just said Howard, momma’s a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having what appears be an emotional response?
Leonard: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard: Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God’s sake!
Leonard: Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?
Howard: I don’t want to go anywhere.
Sheldon: You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where you can replace them with
new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me, or was that Sheldon’s way of saying Vegas baby!
Leonard: I’ve never been there, have you?
Raj: Me? No. I just got Vegas baby from Vince Vaughn in Swingers. .
Howard: It could be fun. I know my weekend’s wide open, now that…
Leonard: Okay, then let’s do this, lets go to Las Vegas.
Howard: Now? Right now?
Leonard: Why not? People do things right now all the time. Why can’t we be right now people too. Go home, pack a bag and we’ll be right now people. I have to stop at the drug store to refill a prescription, but after that we’ll go right now.
Raj: What do you say, Howard?
Howard: I say Vegas baby!
Raj: What are you going to tell your mother?
Howard: Sea World, baby!
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, are you coming?
Sheldon: I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.
Leonard: Great, we’ll bring you back a tee-shirt.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening?
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Good. I’m glad.
Penny: Really? Are you drunk?
Sheldon: I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right?
Sheldon: Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.
Penny: Mmm, what smells so good?
Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.
Penny: Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening.
Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.
Penny: Have fun, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No!
Penny: What’s wrong, Superman? Locked out of your big ice thingy?
Scene: A Vegas bathroom.
Raj: Look at this, mouthwash, lotion, body wash, shampoo and conditioner together in one tiny bottle. I love Las Vegas.
Leonard: Howard, could I borrow some after shave?
Howard: Black case, top compartment.
Leonard: That is a lot of cologne.
Howard: First row are your musks, second is wood, leathers and botanicals, third is assorted pheromones, tread lightly.
Raj (finding a large quantity of condoms): That’s the spirit, Howard. Yes, we can.
Leonard: Come on, let’s go.
Howard: You guys go ahead, I just have to finish up an email.
Leonard: That’s not an email, that’s Leslie’s facebook page.
Howard: Okay, fine, I’m checking her facebook page, look at her status update, she’s saying she dumped me, people need to know I dumped her.
Raj: But she did dump you.
Howard: Grow up, Raj,there’s no place for truth on the internet. Just go, I’ll catch up with you.
Leonard: Alright.
Raj: Oh, we should have a plan in case one of us gets lucky.
Leonard: Okay, uh, if I get lucky I’ll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and if you get lucky, I’ll sleep on the moon.
Raj: Sounds like a plan.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.
Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.
Penny: Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.
Sheldon: Where?
Penny: In your apartment.
Sheldon: What’s it doing in my apartment?
Penny: Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.
Sheldon: You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?
Penny: It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.
Sheldon: You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.
Penny: Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.
Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: Sure, why not? And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. ‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.
Scene: A bar at the Las Vegas Casino.
Leonard (to barmaid): Thanks.
Raj: I’m telling you, Leonard, video slot machines, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid and all you can eat shrimp for $3.95. Disneyland can suck it. This is the real happiest of the earth.
Leonard (as he wins on his slot machine): Dude, check it out. That’s laundry for a month!
Woman (leaning over Raj): Hi.
Raj (taking a big gulp of his drink): Hello.
Woman: What’s your name?
Raj: Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
Woman: Hello Rajesh Ram… Hi, Rajesh, I’m Michaela.
Raj: Hello, Michaela.
Michaela: So, are you interested a little party?
Raj: Why, yes, I love to party. Party is my middle name. Or it would be, if it weren’t Ramayan.
Leonard: Uh, Raj, can I, can I talk to you for a moment.
Raj: Not now, Leonard, Michaela’s inviting me to a party. You better call the moon and you make sure that they have a bed for you.
Leonard: Yeah, I really need to talk to you.
Raj: Excuse me, I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t move. Just stay the beautiful unspoiled American flower that you are. (To Leonard) What’s wrong with you dude, that woman was all up in my jammy.
Leonard: Okay, I hate to break this to you and whatever your jammy is, but, I’m pretty sure she is a prost*tute.
Raj: What? No. ..
Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, in your entire life, how many gorgeous women have walked straight up to you in a bar and asked if you wanted to party.
Raj: Maybe I can save her.
Leonard: Maybe, but I’m guessing it will cost you about $500 an hour to try.
Raj: It was lovely meeting you, best of luck in your future endeavours.
Michaela: Whatever.
Raj: Oh, I miss her already.
Leonard: Oh, Howard’s losing it. Check out his latest twitters. “I’m at the bottom of a black hole staring into the abyss. My life is meaningless, my future is without hope.”
Raj: Why don’t we take him to see the Blue Man Group?
Leonard: You think that’d help?
Raj: USA Today calls them exuberant fun for the whole family.
Leonard: I don’t know, Howard isn’t really the family fun kind of guy.
Raj: It’s too bad he wasn’t here for that hooker. She’s exactly his type. A hooker. You know, I bet if we hired her, that would cheer him up.
Leonard: We’re not going to get Wolowitz a hooker.
Raj (reading Howard’s twitter): “I’m so lonely and horny I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all.”
Leonard: Suppose it wouldn’t hurt to get an estimate.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: So, how was your day?
Penny: Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don’t have to.
Sheldon: No, it’s the accepted convention. How was your day?
Penny: Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different…
Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s not going to interest me at all, just eat.
Scene: The casino bar.
Raj: Hello again.
Michaela: Oh, hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, m, if you’re not busy, well, w-we were thinking you could… well, we were wondering…
Raj: If you’re really a prost*tute.
Michaela: You guys cops?
Together: No.
Michaela: I am a prost*tute.
Leonard: Okay, great. Um… uh, the thing is, we’ve got this friend, and he’s kind of down in the dumps, and we thought that maybe you could cheer him up.
Raj: With sex.
Leonard: I think she knows what I meant.
Raj: How can she when you b*at around the bush. She’s from the mean streets where they sh**t from the hip and keep it real.
Michaela: Don’t worry, I can take good care of your friend.
Leonard: Okay, terrific. Um, uh, listen, is there a way that we can do this where he doesn’t know that you’re a… you know…
Raj: prost*tute.
Michaela: You want the girlfriend experience.
Leonard: Yes, yeah, exactly, the girlfriend experience.
Raj: Uh, actually, if it’s not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Okay, that’s question 20, you have to guess.
Penny: Oh, God, I don’t know Sheldon, are you Star Wars?
Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie?
Penny: Okay, I give up, can we just do something else?
Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?
Penny: Where did that even come from, did he say we were?
Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.
Penny: No, just mail, no benefits.
Sheldon: Hmm, I see.
Penny: Why are you asking?
Sheldon: I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.
Penny: Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship.
Sheldon: Can you?
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?
Penny: Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you.
Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?
Penny: Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell?
Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…
Penny: I’m uncomfortable, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very helpful.
Scene: The casino bar.
Howard: Alright, where are these amazing shrimp?
Leonard: Behold?
Howard: Seriously, you think this is the size of a baby’s arm?
Raj: A little baby.
Howard: I’m going back to the room.
Michaela (arriving): Boy, would it maybe k*ll them to put out a nice brisket?
Howard: Hi there, Howard Wolowitz.
Michaela: Esther Rosenblatt.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I don’t think the manager’s coming tonight so, here.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch.
Penny: Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with.
Sheldon: I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.
Penny: Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.
Sheldon: May I say one last thing.
Penny: Only if it doesn’t rhyme.
Sheldon: Alright. Goodnight.
Scene: The casino bar.
Michaela: Turn ons. Let me see. Reading a good book in front of the f*re. Long walks on the beach. Getting freaky on the Sabbath with a bacon cheeseburger.
Howard: Really, me too.
Michaela: Oy gevalt, you’re hot.
Howard: Yeah. Excuse me for a moment.
Leonard: Hey, how’s it going.
Howard: Cut the crap, you set this up, didn’t you?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: She’s a hooker, isn’t she.
Raj: A prost*tute, yes.
Howard: You already gave her the money?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Thank you!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I can’t sleep. how are you going?
Penny: Maybe that’s because your hole is still open.
Sheldon: I’m homesick.
Penny: Your home is twenty feet from here.
Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.
Penny: Damn it. What do you want me to do
Sheldon: Sing soft kitty.
Penny: That’s only for when you’re sick.
Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick.
Penny: Come on, do I really have to?
Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um…
Sheldon: Sleepy kitty.
Penny: Sleepy ki…
Sheldon: No. Start over.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here.
Penny: Oh, you’re welcome sweetie.
Sheldon: Okay, I’m sleepy now, get out.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re finally home.
Leonard: What were you doing at Penny’s?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x21 - The Vegas Renormalization"} | foreverdreaming |
: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Smell that? That’s the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes!
Howard: They’re on me today, boys.
Raj: You’re paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Howard: No, I’m celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Raj: Oh, get over yourself, it’s a high-tech toilet.
Leonard: Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go
where no man has gone before.
Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard: Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Raj: He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two.
Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-bl*wing.
Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.
Stuart: I didn’t spoil anything.
Sheldon: You told me it’s mind-bl*wing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.
Stuart: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.
Stuart: Uh, hey, Leonard, can I talk to you about something?
Leonard: Oh, sure, what’s up?
Stuart: Remember I went out with your friend Penny a couple weeks ago?
Leonard: Yeah, vaguely.
Raj: Sure you remember. You went to the bar and made a fool of yourself trying to pick up strange women.
Leonard: What about it?
Stuart: Well, uh, the thing is, the date didn’t go that well.
Leonard: Oh, too bad. I guess the thing to do now is just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forget it and move on.
Stuart: I can’t do that.
Leonard: Why the hell not?
Stuart: ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Well, I have and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.
Stuart: Uh, anyway, I figured this is probably my last sh*t with Penny and I don’t want to screw it up.
Leonard: Nobody wants that.
Stuart: So, here’s my question. It’s the second date, you think she’ll be expecting things to get physical?
Leonard: Uh, oh, gee, my initial reaction is no. You know, let me think about it and get back to you, okay?
Stuart: Okay, so, you’ll give me a call?
Leonard: Yeah, or you call me.
Stuart: Great.
Leonard: Or nobody calls anyone.
Raj: Interesting. Penny’s current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
Leonard: You know, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.
Howard: Hey, wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard: I’m listening.
Howard: Just tell him to do everything you’ve done with her for the last two years.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: How’s it going?
Leonard: Good, good. You?
Penny: Fine. Oh, hey, can I ask you something?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: You know your friend Stuart?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Well, he asked me out again and I said yes, and then I started thinking maybe I should talk to you first.
Leonard: About what?
Penny: Well, does it bother you, me going out with one of your friends? ‘Cause you know, you and me…
Leonard: No, no that’s the past. I’m really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, ’cause, well, that’s my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn’t bother me.
Penny: Okay, well, that’s really cool of you.
Leonard: Yeah, well I wouldn’t say cool, I’d just say, that’s Leonard!
Penny: Well, In that case, do you mind giving me some advice?
Leonard: About Stuart? Love to.
Penny: He’s very shy, how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard: Well, uh, first of all, don’t underestimate the value of discomfort.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that’s why he works in a comic book store.
Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard’s phone rings.
Leonard: Oh. It’s Stuart.
Sheldon: You’re not going to answer it?
Leonard: He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny.
Sheldon: You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on f*re, and he needs your assistance.
Leonard: Why would he call me?
Sheldon: We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.
Leonard: I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.
Leonard: No! There, it went to voice mail.
Sheldon: Aren’t you going to check your messages?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: At times.
Howard: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon: Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard: Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard: How teeny tiny?
Howard: It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.
Howard: Yeah, see, that’s the code red. It’s kind of like a jack-in-the-box, no one knows exactly when, but at some point something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon: Have you notified NASA?
Howard: No. Are you crazy?What am I gonna say? I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there’s gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station?
Leonard: Well, what are you gonna do?
Howard: I’m gonna figure out how to fix it, then I’ll tell them.
Leonard: So, what do you need us for?
Raj: He can’t figure out how to fix it.
Howard: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Raj: I’m trying, but you have to admit this is pretty damn funny.
Sheldon: I agree. It’s the juxtaposition of the high-tech nature of space exploration against the banality of a malfunctioning toilet that provides the comic fodder here. Check your messages.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: All right, this is an exact duplicate of the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Disposal System as deployed on the International Space Station.
Raj: Don’t you mean the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Distribution System?
Leonard: Good one.
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
Raj: You mean so it doesn’t h*t the fan?
Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humour would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. (There is a knock on the door)
Stuart: Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hey Stuart.
Stuart: You busy?
Leonard: Um…
Howard: Classified, Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s a regular Manhattan Project. What’s up?
Stuart: Well, tonight’s my date with Penny and since we haven’t been able to connect by phone…
Leonard: Yeah, I’m sorry, it’s been broken.
Stuart: Or e-mail.
Leonard: Yeah, that too. Everything’s broken.
Stuart: Anyway, I was just wondering if you had any last-minute advice.
Leonard: All right, well, off the top of my head, I think the most important thing with Penny is to go really slow. I mean, glacial.
Stuart: Okay.
Leonard: You know, guys come onto her all the time, so, you need to, like, set yourself apart. You know, be a little shy, don’t make too much eye contact. And, you know, treat her with, like, cool detachment and, and, and, you know, fear.
Stuart: Fear?
Leonard: Yeah, like, you’re afraid that if you touch her, she’ll break.
Stuart: Well, that plays right into my wheelhouse.
Leonard: Good, good. Well, you kids have fun tonight.
Stuart: Thanks, Leonard. What is that thing anyway?
Howard: You don’t know what this is?
Stuart: No.
Howard: Good. Get out.
Raj: Be afraid of Penny, nice, very crafty.
Leonard: It wasn’t bad advice. It just wasn’t particularly helpful.
Sheldon: For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.
Scene: Later.
Sheldon: All right, what if we use this two-inch PVC to reinforce the centre cross-support?
Howard: No good. I mean, it might work for the Japanese and the Americans, but have you seen the size of the Russians they got up there? This thing has to hold up against a hearty potato-based diet.
Leonard: I feel terrible.
Howard: Maybe if you were helping, you’d feel better about yourself.
Leonard: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.
Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon: You don’t really believe in that superstition, do you?
Raj: It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around.
Howard: Speaking of what goes around comes around…
Raj: Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?
Sheldon: It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.
Raj: What if we reposition the collection t*nk?
Sheldon: It won’t work. No way to mount it.
Howard: Okay, here’s an idea. What if I change my name and go live with my cousin and her husband Avi in Israel?
Sheldon: That could work.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks, Penny answers in her dressing gown.
Leonard: Morning.
Penny: Morning. What’s up?
Leonard: Nothing. We just pulled an all-nighter trying to fix a zero-gravity… pasta maker. I’m gonna make a coffee run. Do you want any?
Penny: Oh, no, thanks. I have coffee.
Leonard: Great. So how’d it go with Stuart last night?
Penny: I really don’t want to talk about it.
Leonard: Yeah. Right. Sure. The thing is, before you guys went out, I spoke to him and…
Penny: I said I don’t want to talk about it.
Leonard: Okay… I just… I kind of…
Penny: Look, Leonard, what goes on between me and Stuart is none of your business. So just leave it alone, okay?
Raj: If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin’ latte.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hang on, I think I’ve got this. Help me see if we can wedge this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.
Sheldon: You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.
Howard: Sheldon, I know what I’m doing.
Sheldon: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.
Raj: Howard, wait. Why don’t you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?
Howard: Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Raj: That what that’s for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.
Howard: Where are you going?
Leonard: Comic book store.
Sheldon: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Raj: Me, too.
Howard: Hold on, you can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?
Leonard: ‘Cause he’s upset over his situation with Penny and if I have to hear about it again, I’m going to kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard: I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware.
Raj: Wow, that’s heavy.
Howard: Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations.
Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.
Howard: Okay, simulated zero-gravity human waste disposal test with meat loaf analog in three, two, one. (Switches flush. Meatloaf hits ceiling.)
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Raj: What do you think the problem is?
Howard: Not enough bread crumbs.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, I need to talk to you.
Stuart: Sure, what’s up?
Leonard: I think I gave you bad advice about Penny, and I want to apologize.
Stuart: No, your advice was great.
Leonard: It was?
Stuart: Yeah, going slow really worked.
Leonard: You’re kidding. Never worked for me.
Stuart: Yeah, last night at dinner, I did what you told me, I went really slow, I kept my distance, and two bottles of wine later, we were making out in my car.
Leonard: Wine? I didn’t say to give her wine.
Stuart: It doesn’t matter, that’s where it all went to hell.
Leonard: During the kissing? What did you do, sneeze in her mouth? I did that to a girl once.
Stuart: No, everything was good and really hot, and I said “Oh, Penny,” and right where she was supposed to say, “Oh, Stuart,” she said… your name.
Leonard: Leonard?
Stuart: That is your name, right?
Leonard: Yeah, no, yeah, wow, I’m sorry. That must’ve been the last thing you wanted to hear.
Stuart: Well, it beats you know I’m a dude, right? Yeah, it was pretty bad.
Leonard: No doubt, no doubt. Okay, well, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
Stuart: Not your fault.
Leonard: Yeah, how about that? See you soon.
Stuart: Yeah, sure.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: Yes, sir, I understand classified. We’ll keep it all classified, no one has to know but you and me.
Penny: What’s classified?
Leonard: Howard’s space toilet. I’ll tell you later.
Howard: Well, they’ve deployed our solution. Let’s just all hope it works.
Sheldon: I don’t see why I have to worry. My career’s not hanging in the balance. That was a joke. It’s funny, because it’s true.
Penny: Leonard, could you pass the soy sauce, please?
Leonard: I’m sorry, were you talking to me?
Penny: Yeah, I said Leonard.
Leonard: Yes, you did, didn’t you?
Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard: Meatloaf.
Leonard: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard: That’s classified.
Scene: The International Space Station.
Voice: Houston, International Space Station. We have a little situation up here. We’d like to make an unscheduled space walk.
Houston: ISS, Houston. Which crew members would be involved in this E.V.A.?
ISS voice: Houston, we’d all like to step outside for a few minutes.
Houston: ISS, I’m afraid we can’t authorize that.
ISS voice: Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x22 - The Classified Materials Turbulence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is working on a whiteboard.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.
Leonard: Then what was oh, boy?
Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.
Leonard: There’s nothing wrong with the science here.
Sheldon: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.
Leonard (making a change): Okay, how’s that?
Sheldon: You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.
Leonard: Yes, how did we live before Twitter? I guess you’ll find out what it is in the morning.
Sheldon: That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?
Leonard: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s two o’clock in the morning.
Sheldon: Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is?
Leonard: Everybody?
Sheldon: You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.
Leonard: You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night?
Sheldon: He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.
Leonard: You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to.
Sheldon: Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?
Leonard: Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it.
Sheldon: Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.
Leonard: Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole?
Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”
Leonard: Okay, well, do you want to go?
Sheldon: Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.
Leonard: Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Leonard: Maybe.
Sheldon: I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?
Leonard: Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now.
Sheldon: I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.
Leonard: Well, then don’t go.
Sheldon: How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.
Leonard: All right, then go.
Sheldon: Listen to you. How can I possibly go?
Leonard: Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?
Sheldon: Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.
Leonard: How was it resolved?
Sheldon: It wasn’t. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: Just imagine. If he says yes, we’ll have an entire summer without Sheldon.
Raj: We could play outside.
Howard: We could sit on the left side of the couch.
Leonard: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.
Raj: Our dreams are very small, aren’t they?
Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…
All: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Sheldon: …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition.
Leonard: It’s not gonna be the same without you.
Howard: Godspeed.
Sheldon: Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.
Raj: Ooh, I don’t like where this is going.
Sheldon: I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.
Howard: To the North Pole?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away?
Sheldon: I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache. Now, I know I’m proposing an enormous undertaking, so why don’t you take a few moments to discuss it?
Howard: We’re not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Sheldon (voice): I’m still within earshot! You may want to wait for my door to close.
Howard: We’re not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Leonard: Hang on. Let’s talk about it. This is a National Science Foundation expedition. I don’t know how we can turn it down.
Howard: Easy. Instead of saying, no, we don’t want to go on an NSF expedition, say, no, we don’t want to spend “three months stuck in a cabin in the Arctic Circle with an a**l nutbag.”
Raj: But if we were part of the team that confirmed string theory, we could drink for free in any bar in any college town with a university that has a strong science program.
Leonard: Howard, this is big science. You could be the engineer who builds the equipment that puts us on the cover of magazines.
Howard: I could also be the engineer who builds the crossbow that kills Sheldon.
Raj: You still might get on a magazine.
Howard: So you guys are seriously considering this?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
Sheldon: Well, gentlemen, have you reached a decision?
Leonard: I’m in.
Raj: Me, too.
Howard: Oh, damn it. Peer pressure. Fine.
Sheldon: Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What do you want?
Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.
Penny: Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.
Sheldon: No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.
Penny: You’re all going?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: For three months?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Is that a yes or a no on the freezer? The woman has the attention span of a gnat.
Penny: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Sheldon says you’re going to the North Pole.
Leonard: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Penny: Yeah. I’m just a little surprised you didn’t tell me.
Leonard: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.
Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don’t have to apologize. There’s no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer?
Penny: Is he serious?
Leonard: Actually, it would help.
Penny: All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action?
Penny: Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.
Leonard: Did she seem upset to you?
Sheldon: No. Did she seem upset to you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?
Leonard: A little bit.
Sheldon: Two for two. I’m on f*re.
Leonard: I mean, I know she’s not my girlfriend or anything, but wouldn’t you think she’d feel a little bad that I’m going to be gone for the whole summer?
Sheldon: That feels like a bonus question. I’m going to stop here while I’m ahead, but I’ve had a great time.
Scene: Inside the cheesecake factory freezer.
Sheldon: Alright, now the purpose of this drill is to acclimate us to the use of tools in extreme temperatures such as we will face in the Arctic Circle.
Raj: Where are your tools?
Sheldon (pointing at his brain): Right here. All right, team, open up your practice kits. As the university did not permit me to bring the actual equipment we’ll be using to the Cheesecake Factory, because apparently I’m “ridiculous,” I’ve provided substitutes which will exercise your fine motor skills. Leonard, you will be doing a series of complex mathematical problems on a vintage Casio model 1175 calculator watch I received when I won the Earth Science medal in 3rd grade. Treat it with respect. Raj, you will be painting sideburns and a Van d*ke on a six-inch figurine of Legolas the elf. Now, remember, a Van d*ke is a goatee without a moustache. Wolowitz, you will be completing a series of delicate surgical procedures on the classic children’s game, Operation. To begin with, you will remove funny bone for two hundred dollars.
Howard: For this I went to MIT.
Sheldon: And begin.
Raj: I think I swallowed some paint!
Leonard: I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch!
Sheldon: Adversity is to be expected. Continue.
Howard: Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.
Leonard: Okay, I can’t do this.
Raj: Me either.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
Howard: You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.
Leonard: Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.
Sheldon: I hadn’t thought of that. I guess we’re done here.
Scene: The apartment kitchen.
Sheldon: Here, drink slash eat this.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter.
Howard: Okay, why?
Sheldon: Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.
Leonard: Sheldon, you know I can’t eat butter. I’m lactose intolerant.
Sheldon: Way ahead of you, that’s an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” stick.
Raj (on his webcam): But mummy, all the other guys are going to the North Pole.
Mrs Koothrappali: I don’t care what the other guys are doing. If the other guys jumped in the Bay of Bengal and tried to swim to Sri Lanka, would you follow them?
Raj: If you were standing behind me nagging, I might.
Dr Koothrappali: Don’t talk back to your mother. This trip is much too dangerous, Rajesh.
Raj: No, it’s not. Howard, tell them.
Howard: Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.
Mrs Koothrappali: So, she has no problem with her son being eaten by a walrus?
Sheldon: That’s very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali. If Raj dies, it’ll be from frostbite, gangrene, acute sunburn or being ripped to shreds by a fifteen hundred pound polar bear.
Howard: Ma, I’m putting you on speakerphone with Raj’s parents. Can you tell them that you’re okay with me going to the Arctic?
Howard’s Mother: Arctic? I thought you said Arkansas!
Howard: I didn’t say that. You never listen to me!
Howard’s Mother: He doesn’t tell me anything! He lives a secret life because he’s ashamed!
Penny (arriving): Hey, Leonard, can I talk to you for a sec?
Leonard: Sure, but let’s go out here where there’s a little less yelling and guilt. What’s up?
Penny: Well, I got you a little going away present.
Leonard: Oh, a blanket.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, not just a blanket. See, it has sleeves. Yeah! So, you can, you know, be all snoodled up while you do your science stuff.
Leonard: Oh, wow, cool.
Penny: Oh, I’m gonna miss you. (She hugs him for a long time) See you later.
Leonard: Bye.
Mrs Koothrappali: I told you no. Why don’t you believe me?
Howard’s Mother: ‘Cause it doesn’t make sense to me! How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn’t one Outback Steakhouse?!
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is asleep. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard: Sheldon, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I want a cookie, Meemaw.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s me.
Sheldon: But Meemaw just made cookies.
Leonard: Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: I don’t think I can go to the North Pole.
Sheldon: Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s very comforting.
Sheldon: Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.
Leonard: Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go.
Sheldon: Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?
Leonard: Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.
Sheldon: What is it?
Leonard: It’s a blanket with sleeves.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?
Leonard: Yes, obviously.
Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.
Leonard: Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else?
Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.
Leonard: So, I can’t go.
Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard is knocking.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
Leonard: It’s 7 a.m. I’m sorry it’s early, but we’re leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: What did you mean when you said you’re going to miss me?
Penny: Um, I don’t know. You’ll be gone and I’ll notice.
Leonard (indicating the blanket): Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?
Penny: Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.
Leonard: All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?
Penny: That wasn’t a long hug.
Leonard: It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.
Penny: Leonard, I don’t know what to tell you. It was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I’ll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Okay, bye. (Penny closes door. To herself) Means I wish you weren’t going.
Scene: The North Pole.
Leonard: Damn it.
Howard: What?
Leonard: We’re out of ice.
Sheldon: All right, men, we begin initial assembly and deployment of the testing equipment starting tomorrow at 0700 hours, but until then, you are all off duty. I suggest you keep the shenanigans to a minimum as medical help is 18 hours away by dogsled.
Raj: What are you working on?
Howard: Crossbow.
Leonard: Hey, guys, can I just say something? How about we take a moment to think about where we are right now? This is literally the top of the world. Only a handful of people in all of human history will ever see what we are going to see.
Raj: He’s right.
Howard: Yeah, wow.
Sheldon: It is remarkable.
Raj: So, who’s up for a movie?
Howard: Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing?
Raj: I say double feature.
Leonard: Dinner’s ready!
Sheldon: What are we having?
Leonard: Reconstituted Thai food.
Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?
Leonard: Check.
Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?
Leonard: Check.
Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?
Leonard: Uh, oh, sorry.
Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.
Howard: There’s no time for a crossbow. Find me an icicle.
Sheldon: Three months. This is gonna be great! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "02x23 - The Monopolar Expedition"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Opening shows some scenes from the final episode of the previous season, followed by the caption “Three months later.” Scene then opens in lobby, with the guys arriving home from the North Pole. All have long hair and bushy beards except Sheldon, whose hair is slightly longer and who has a goatee.
Leonard: Oh, thank God we’re home.
Howard: I can’t believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Raj: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon: I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
Scene: The apartment door. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I’m home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I’m all but certain there’s a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’m entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
Leonard: I’m going to go let Penny know we’re back.
Sheldon: Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy’s home.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Leonard, you’re back.
Leonard: Yeah, I just stopped by to say… (she grabs him and kisses him) Yeah, so, hi!
Penny: Hi! (They stumble, kissing, into her apartment and slam the door shut)
Howard: Dammit, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Raj: Yeah, it was first come, first served.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A moment later.
Sheldon: I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won’t forget your contributions.
Howard: Great.
Raj: Thanks.
Sheldon: Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
Raj: We have to tell him.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Howard: Damn his Vulcan hearing.
Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?
Howard: Okay, Sheldon, sit down.
Sheldon: If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.
Howard: Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.
Sheldon: If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Raj: It’s not about that.
Howard: And we agreed to never speak of it again.
Sheldon: So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.
Howard: He’s speaking about it.
Raj: For me, it was a bonding moment.
Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D.
Howard: Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.
Raj: He just went colon, capital O.
Sheldon: You tampered with my experiment?
Howard: We had to.
Raj: It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian.
Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.
Howard: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I missed you so much.
Leonard: I missed you, too.
Penny: I couldn’t even think of anyone else while you were gone.
Leonard: Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard (whispering): Do not make a sound.
Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.
Leonard: Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Oh, this is ridiculous. What?
Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
Penny: It’s great to see you too. Come on in.
Sheldon: Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Leonard: Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.
Penny: Okay, can someone please tell me what’s going on here?
Sheldon: What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.
Penny: Is that true?
Leonard: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard: Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to k*ll him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.
Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.
Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.
Leonard: Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn’t have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it’s no big deal.
Sheldon: You’re right, Leonard, it’s not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal
Penny: Oh, the poor thing.
Leonard: Yeah, I feel terrible.
Penny: Wait, wait. Aren’t you going to go talk to him?
Leonard: What? Uh, he’ll be fine, the guy’s a trouper, come here.
Penny: No, you’re right, you shouldn’t talk to him. I will.
Leonard: Man, I cannot catch a break.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Penny knocks and enters.
Penny: Hey. Do you want to talk?
Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!
Penny: Oh, hon… Uh… (singing) Soft kitty, warm kitty…
Sheldon: That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.
Penny: Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song.
Sheldon: I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.
Penny: Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through.
Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?
Penny: Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?
Penny: Well, they’re pretty tasty.
Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?
Penny: Look, Sheldon, I just don’t think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it’s like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn’t true, like saying Spock didn’t care his mom died?
Sheldon: I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie!
Scene: The university cafeteria. The guys have shaved and had haircuts. Howard has kept his moustache.
Raj: I like the new look.
Howard: Thanks. I call it the Clooney.
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever. Hey, how’s Sheldon doing?
Leonard: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I’d say, a little better.
Howard: If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally… you know.
Leonard: Howard…
Howard: Personally, I don’t care, but my genitals wanted me to ask.
Leonard: Well, tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business.
Howard (to his genitals): He says they didn’t do it.
Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): Sheldon, over here. (Sheldon sits at another table and tries to choke all three to death with the force. Raj pretends he is choking.)
Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: I feel bad for the guy.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself?
Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.
Leonard: Come on. We said we were sorry.
Sheldon: It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.
Kripke (arriving): Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation.
Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.
Kripke: That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife.
Sheldon: All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.
Kripke: Off a cwiff.
Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged…
Kripke: Compwetely wecked.
Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.
Kripke: Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein’s cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you’re still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser.
Sheldon: Oh, you think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.
Leonard: So much for our friendship with Sheldon.
Raj: Well, we’ll always have the night the heat went out.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn’t have a chance to give you this.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn’t have. Oh, boy! What is it?
Leonard: It’s a snowflake. From the North Pole.
Penny: Are you serious?
Leonard: Uh-huh. It’ll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
Penny: Oh, my God. That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me that I didn’t understand.
Leonard: It’s actually a pretty simple process. You see, cyanoacrylate are monomers which polymerize on… (she kisses him)
Howard (arriving): Red alert, Leonard. Sheldon ran away.
Leonard: Man, I can not catch a break.
Penny: So, how do you know he ran away?
Howard: Well, he’s not answering his phone, he handed in his resignation at the university and he sent me a text that said, I’m running away.
Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.
Penny: Well, Leonard, aren’t you going to do something?
Leonard: Of course I’m going to do something. Uh, Howard, you check the comic book store. Raj, go to the Thai restaurant. I’ll stay here with Penny in her apartment. (His phone rings) Oh, damn it. It’s Sheldon’s mother. A break cannot be caught. Hi, Mrs. Cooper. He is? Sheldon went home to Texas. Yeah, no, I know he resigned. Yes, I guess it kind of is our fault. No, no, no, you, you’re right, someone needs to come talk to him. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. Yeah. All right. New plan. Howard, you and Raj go to Texas. I’ll stay here with Penny in her apartment.
Penny: Well, you’re not gonna go with them?
Leonard: Well, you know, I gave you the snowflake and we were kissing and… Oh, come on, I don’t want to go to Texas!
Howard: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed a desert once, we’re done.
Leonard: Trust me, you’ll be fine. See ya.
Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He’s your best friend.
Leonard: Yeah, but I already saw him naked. Just come here.
Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
Leonard: Maybe you can.
Penny: Go.
Raj: Boy, you cannot catch a break, can you?
Scene: Sheldon’s mother’s kitchen.
Mrs Cooper: Here you go, Shelly.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.
Sheldon: Aw, Mom.
Mrs Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all…
Sheldon: Fed.
Mrs Cooper: Give us, Lord, our daily…
Sheldon: Bread.
Mrs Cooper: Please know that we are truly…
Sheldon: Grateful.
Mrs Cooper: For every cup and every…
Sheldon: Plateful.
Mrs Cooper: Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.
Mrs Cooper: Whatever. Jesus still loves you.
Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?
Sheldon: They’re not my friends.
Mrs Cooper: All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids.
Sheldon: That was different. They were thr*at by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.
Mrs Cooper: Oh baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
Scene: A rental car.
Leonard: I can’t believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Howard: Hello? I’m wearing a red turtleneck. Plus, it was the only boys’ large they had.
Raj: I’m sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where’s the tumbleweeds? Where’s the saloons?
Leonard: Saloons?
Raj: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, uh, Four for Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas.
Howard: This neighbourhood is more Texas Chainsaw m*ssacre.
Raj: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
Leonard: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.
Scene: Sheldon’s mother’s house.
Leonard: Will you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard: No, I want to blend in.
Raj: To what? Toy Story?
Mrs Cooper: Hi, boys.
Howard: Howdy, ma’am.
Mrs Cooper: Howdy to you, too. You got here quick.
Leonard: – We took the red-eye.
Mrs Cooper: Well, come on in.
Howard: Thank you kindly.
Mrs Cooper: Can I… Can I get you something to drink?
Leonard: Uh, no, thank you.
Howard: If y’all don’t mind, I got a hankerin’ for a Lone Star beer.
Mrs Cooper: There’s no alcohol in this household. Stop talking like that and lose the hat.
Howard: Sorry. I’ll take a diet Yoo-Hoo if you have it.
Mrs Cooper: You’ll take a Cola. What about you? Radge, isn’t it? Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because, you know, at our church we have a woman who’s an amazing healer. Mostly she does, uh, crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she’d be willing to take a sh*t at whatever Third World demon is running around inside of you.
Leonard: Uh, if you don’t mind, Mrs. Cooper, there’s a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it.
Mrs Cooper: A girl?
Leonard: Uh, yes, ma’am.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, good. I’ve been praying for you. Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize.
Howard: Again.
Leonard: And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back.
Leonard: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.
Mrs Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: I forgive you. Let’s go home.
Mrs Cooper: Don’t tell me prayer doesn’t work.
Scene: In Penny’s bed.
Leonard: How about that? I finally caught a break.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Why does it have to get weird?
Penny: I don’t know.
Leonard: I mean, we were friends, and now we’re more than friends. We’re whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and…
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Penny: It’s weird.
Leonard: Totally. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x01 - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: Sheldon, you’re wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?
Howard: Okay, first of all…
Raj: Give it up, dude, you’re arguing with a crazy person.
Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Leonard: Hey, guys.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What do you mean? It’s new comic book night.
Raj: Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night.
Leonard: There’s more to life than sex, Raj.
Howard: Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours”?
Sheldon: I did.
Leonard: Nothing flamed out. We don’t have to have sex every night, you know.
Howard: You don’t have to, but it’s highly recommended.
Raj: Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky.
Leonard: It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.
Howard: What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.
Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.
Raj: Okay, who had Leonard gets a floppy disk?
Sheldon: Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
Leonard: Nothing like that happened, all right? The sex was just fine.
Raj: Just fine? Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.
Leonard: I’m not saying it was bad, I’m just saying it… wasn’t great.
Howard: Okay, when you say “it wasn’t great, do you mean for both of you? Because we can totally see it not being great for her. Am I right?
Raj: Oh, yeah.
Leonard: To tell you the truth, I think we were both a little, I don’t know…
Raj: Disappointed? Let down?
Howard: Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed?
Leonard: All I know is, it wasn’t the way I dreamed it would be.
Howard: Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.
Raj: That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.
Credits Sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, dinner’s here.
Sheldon: Tandoori Palace?
Leonard: No, we went somewhere new.
Sheldon: You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?
Leonard: No, look, Mumbai Palace.
Sheldon: Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.
Leonard: Trust me, this will be just fine.
Howard: You are the authority on just fine.
Leonard: What’s that supposed to mean?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great.
Penny: What are they talking about?
Leonard: I don’t know
Sheldon: I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…
Leonard: Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
Sheldon: If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.
Penny: Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.
Leonard: Penny, wait. Aagh! What is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I sense I may have crossed some sort of line.
Raj: Yeah, you…
Howard: Uh, no, no, no, don’t tell him, let’s see if he can figure it out.
Penny: Ugh, I am so embarrassed!
Leonard: Please don’t be mad.
Penny: What did you tell them?
Leonard: Nothing bad, just that last night was fine.
Penny: Fine? You said it was fine?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s a perfectly good word. You put it in front of wine or dining, and you’ve really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?
Penny: It was… okay.
Leonard: Okay?
Penny: Yeah, it’s a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of dokay and you really got something. All right, look, let’s not overreact, you know? For a lot of couples, it takes time to get to know each other’s rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.
Leonard: So, you’ve been through this before?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Okay-dokay.
Penny: You know, I think this is one of those things where talking about it is not going to make it better. Want a glass of wine?
Leonard: So much.
Penny: Okay. See, we should’ve done this last night, you know, have a little wine, take the edge off.
Leonard: Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
Penny: Don’t talk, just drink.
Howard: No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.
Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard’s got one and you don’t.
Sheldon: Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat.
Raj: What’s that?
Howard: Sounds like a cricket.
Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.
Howard: Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that?
Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
Raj: How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is?
Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ‘06.
Howard: Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket.
Sheldon: Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.
Howard: No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.
Raj: Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess.
Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.
Howard: Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can’t take your money.
Howard: What’s the matter, you chicken?
Sheldon: I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can’t climb trees
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me.
Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose?
Howard: I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.
Sheldon: All right, you have a wager.
Howard: Hmm.
Raj: Great. Now how are you going to settle it, hmm? There is no way to determine the species of the cricket without examining it.
Slight time shift. The guys are searching for the cricket.
Raj: I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight.
Scene: Penny’s apartment, Penny and Leonard are kissing. They break and look at each other uncomfortably.
Leonard: More wine?
Penny: h*t me.
Scene: The apartment, the guys are still searching for the cricket. They are inside the cupboard.
Sheldon: I don’t see anything.
Howard: Shh!
Raj: Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.)
Sheldon: One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that?
Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?
Howard: Shh! Elevator shaft.
Sheldon: Help me open it.
Howard: Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft.
Sheldon: Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.
Howard: Let’s open her up.
Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?
Howard: Don’t push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself?
Raj: Ooh, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: What are we drinking now?
Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it’s fun to say schnapps. Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Penny: Schnapps.
Leonard: Schnapps. You’re right, that is fun.
Scene: The elevator shaft. Sheldon is inside.
Raj: Be careful.
Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
Raj (hearing the cricket): Stairwell.
Sheldon: Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It’s really dark down here.
Scene: Penny’s bathroom. Leonard is vomiting in the toilet.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. You really can’t hold your liquor, can you?
Leonard: I’m okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I’m gonna rock your world. (Penny vomits in sink) Are you okay? (Vomits in toilet again)
Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj has the cricket in a jar.
Raj: Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?
Sheldon: His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.
Raj: What would you name him?
Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast’s Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose.
Sheldon: Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.
Howard: That is not Toby, this is Toby. Raj, what do you think?
Raj: Oh, I really don’t care anymore
Leonard: God, I had the most horrible night.
Raj: What happened?
Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.
Howard: Shiksa. Shik-sa.
Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.
Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again.
Sheldon: We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.
Howard: All right. Tell you what, let’s go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor
Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is.
Sheldon: He’s a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave)
Leonard: I bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends.
Scene: The Entomology Department.
Raj: Holy crap. It’s like Silence of the Lambs down here. (Howard tickles the back of his neck. He screams) Don’t do that!
Howard: You’re such a girl. They’re just bugs.
Raj: Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome
Prof Crawley (arriving): Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle?
Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?
Prof Crawley: Who wants to know?
Sheldon: I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.
Prof Crawley: Couldn’t wait, huh?
Sheldon: I’m sorry?
Prof Crawley: I haven’t even packed yet, and you’re already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
Howard: No, you don’t understand. We just want to ask you a question.
Prof Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What’s a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
Raj: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
Prof Crawley: What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?
Raj: I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.
Sheldon: No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?
Prof Crawley: Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that’s going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we’re not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We’re talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
Howard: Well, could you look at Toby?
Prof Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket.
Sheldon: Told you.
Prof Crawley: It’s a field cricket.
Howard: Yes!
Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Prof Crawley: Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.
Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Prof Crawley: Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything!
Sheldon: Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations.
Raj: Enjoy Oxnard. I’m sure your daughter’s looking forward to having you.
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book?
Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.
Penny: What do you have a safe deposit box for?
Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.
Penny: What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular.
Sheldon: Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.
Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either.
Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?
Penny: I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.
Penny: What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken?
Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.
Penny: Okay, forget the chicken.
Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.
Penny: No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard.
Sheldon: Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?
Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.
Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.
Scene: The apartment
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey. What’s going on?
Sheldon: Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.
Leonard: Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life?
Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.
Leonard: Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Hardly.
Leonard: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again?
Leonard: Little bit. (Exits)
Sheldon: Hmm. Oh, who cares?
Scene: Penny’s doorway.
Penny: Oh, hey.
Leonard: Hey. Uh, what did Sheldon say to you?
Penny: Not a lot. Just that we always have the option of going back to being friends.
Leonard: Is that what you want?
Penny: I don’t know. I mean, you have to admit things seemed simpler when we were just friends.
Leonard: I guess.
Penny: It would take the pressure off.
Leonard: It would, wouldn’t it?
Penny: So, we’ll just be friends.
Leonard: Good, good.
Penny: Come here. (She gives him a hug. It turns into a big kiss.)
Leonard (closing door): Okay-dokay | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x02 - The Jiminy Conjecture"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment kitchen. Penny is cooking breakfast while singing and dancing along to “Man I Feel Like A Woman” by Shenia Twain. Sheldon enters.
Penny: Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.
Penny: All right, want some French toast?
Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.
Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.
Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?
Leonard: Morning.
Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Leonard: Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet.
Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
Leonard: No, her bed kind of… broke.
Sheldon: That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition
of a second normal size human being wouldn’t cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.
Penny: Oh, you’re my little homunculus.
Leonard: Don’t do that.
Penny: Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?
Sheldon: I want oatmeal.
Penny: Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.
Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
Penny: You know what, I give up. He’s impossible.
Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”
Leonard: Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
Leonard: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?
Leonard: It’s a… (gives up)
Sheldon: Boy, that does smell good. Too bad it’s Monday.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, so Kim the night manager went on maternity leave, and her husband’s name is Sandy, right? So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband’s name is Kim.
Leonard: Wow!
Penny: I know. What are the odds?
Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…
Leonard: Sheldon! it’s an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon, it’s as if you don’t think I’ll punch you.
Leonard: Come on, you guys, let it go.
Penny: Fine, whatever. Are you finished?
Sheldon: Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate
Penny: Um, yeah, sure, thanks.
Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don’t.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, now that’s you, obnoxious and insufferable.
Howard (arriving, in goth gear): What’s going on, day dwellers?
Penny: Oh, man, did the Kiss Army repeal don’t ask, don’t tell?
Howard: No. Raj and I are going a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people. Anybody want to come along?
Penny: Oh, wow, you’re actually going out like that?
Howard: No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms)
Leonard: Howard, what did you do?
Howard: They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?
Howard: Okay, how about you two? Look, I’ve got some extra tat sleeves.
Leonard: Why are you carrying extras?
Howard: Well, In case I snag one on someone’s nipple ring.
Penny: Uh, yeah, I think we’ll pass.
Howard: Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now?
Leonard: In this case, you bet she is.
Howard (after Raj whispers): Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
Leonard: They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.
Penny: They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.
Sheldon: Did you? I didn’t notice. Have a chocolate.
Penny: Thank you.
Scene: The goth club.
Raj: I think we’re fitting in quite nicely.
Howard: It’d help if you weren’t drinking light beer.
Raj: Oh, what’s so gothic about vodka and cranberry juice?
Howard: Hello, it looks like blood. Did you even read the Wiki How link I sent you on being goth?
Raj: No, I’m behind on my wiki-reading I’m kind of on a John Grisham kick right now.
Howard: What?
Raj: Well, I finished reading The Pelican Brief and loved it so much, I dived right into The Client. He was a lawyer himself so his novels are accurate as well as entertaining.
Howard: Just remember we are lost boys, children of the night.
Raj: Great. Lost boys, children of the night. Got it. Can you pass the Chex mix, please. Thank you. We are lost boys.
Girl: Good for you.
Howard: I’m actually much morelost than he is.
Girl: Nice ink.
Howard: Thanks. Can we buy you ladies a drink?
Girl: Two light beers.
Raj: Light beers? Well, Wiki-how about that?
Second girl: What’s your names?
Howard: I’m Howard.
Raj: Raj.
Girl: I’m Bethany.
Howard: Nice to meet you, Bethany.
Raj: Yes, very nice.
Bethany: Nice to meet you too.
Second girl: I’m Sarah. Not that anyone cares.
Raj: Do either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: What’s this cartoon called again?
Leonard: Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.
Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.
Penny: Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.
Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.
Penny: Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip.
Sheldon: Thank you. Chocolate?
Penny: Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…
Leonard: Okay, I know what you’re doing.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard: No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard: Well, you shouldn’t.
Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you’re not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you’re forbidden.
Sheldon (Squirting him with a water spray): Bad Leonard.
Scene: The goth club.
Bethany: So what do you guys do?
Howard: Oh, you know, goth stuff. Goth magazines, goth music.
Raj: Goth food.
Sarah: What’s goth food?
Raj: Uh… blackened salmon?
Bethany: No, I meant what do you do for jobs?
Raj: Oh, we’re scientists.
Howard: Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
Bethany: What are the dark sciences
Raj: Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
Howard: Oy vay.
Raj: That sounds really cool.
Howard: Does it? Okay, if you like space stuff, I design components for the international space station. Which is in space. Where, as I’m sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
Raj: So what do you gals do?
Bethany: I work at the Gap.
Howard: Really? How about that? I’ve been to the Gap.
Raj: Yeah, I’ve been there as well. I like your tee-shirts with the little pocket.
Sarah: I work there too. Not that anyone cares. You know, this place is boring.
Bethany: Yeah. Why don’t we go somewhere else and have some fun?
Howard: Okay.
Raj: Sure, we like fun.
Howard: We are fun people.
Raj: Dark and fun.
Bethany: Come on, I know a place you’ll really dig.
Howard: Did you bring the black condoms?
Raj: In my fanny pack.
Howard: Let’s go.
Scene: A tattoo parlour. Bethany is getting a tattoo.
Raj: Are you happy now?
Howard: Not particularly.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (voice outside door): Oh’ my God, she didn’t!
Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You’re not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.
Leonard: Forget it.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon You wouldn’t prefer a throaty chuckle?
Leonard: You’re not changing how Penny laughs.
Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.
Penny (entering): Uh, sorry guys, that girl is (high pitched) freaky!
Sheldon: Come again?
Penny (normal voice): Freaky.
Sheldon (lower voice): Freaky?
Penny (lower voice): Yeah, freaky.
Sheldon: Have a chocolate.
Penny: Thank you.
Scene: The tattoo parlour. Howard is laying down, preparing to have a tattoo on his lower back.
Raj: Are you seriously going to deface your body just for the possibility you could have cheap sex with a strange girl you met in a bar?
Howard: Uh, yeah!
Raj: What is your mother going to say?
Howard: She’s not going to see it. She takes my temperature orally now.
Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?
Howard: Well, I can’t really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.
Bethany: Kermit the Frog?
Howard: You know (Kermit voice) Hi ho, I’m on Howard’s butt!
Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I’ll see if I can make him smile.
Howard: Yeah, I’d like the mean little skull, please.
Sarah: What are you going to get, Raj?
Raj: With my luck, hepatitis
Tattooist: Okay, here we go.
Howard: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Tattooist: That’s just rubbing alcohol.
Howard: I know, but it was cold. Ow, ow, ow!
Tattooist: I’m putting on the stencil.
Howard: What comes after the stencil?
Tattooist: This.
Howard: Aaaaaargh! Okay, that’s it, no needle, no pain, no tattoo.
Bethany: What’s the big deal, you’ve done this before.
Howard: No, I haven’t, look. (Rips off tattoo sleeves) I’m sorry, I’m a fraud, he’s a fraud.
Raj: We’re both frauds.
Howard: Yeah, I think I covered that.
Raj: But I was summing up.
Howard: We’re not goth, we’re just guys.
Raj: Very, very smart guys.
Bethany: So you were totally scamming us?
Howard: Yes. And I wouldn’t blame you if you walked out of here and never wanted to see us again. Unless of course our bold honesty has suddenly made us attractive.
Bethany: I’m leaving.
Sarah: I’m leaving too. Not that anyone cares.
Raj: When we tell this story, let’s end it differently.
Howard: What are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: Thank you. (Throws a chocolate. Penny catches it in her mouth)
Penny: Mmm, these are so good
Leonard: Unbelievable.
Penny: What?
Leonard: I was just thinking, we should probably turn in too.
Penny: well, my new bed got delivered, if you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place.
Leonard: Really, that’s a lot of work, and it’s kind of late.
Penny: Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.
Leonard: Let’s go.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Howard: Okay, wait, how about this? We say there were four goth girls, the two girls in the club had two friends.
Raj: I like it, I like it. Did they smell good despite their gothlike nature?
Howard: What’s that got to do with the story?
Raj: Engaging my olfactory sense helps make it real for me.
Howard: Fine, they smelled good.
Raj: Oh, they did. Like jasmine and honeysuckle.
Howard: Whatever.
Raj: And then they held hands and did a sexy, demonic hokey-pokey for us.
Howard: No, no. Look, let me say my story all the way through, and then you can say yours, and then we’ll pick.
Raj: I’m sorry. Go on.
Howard: Okay. We got tattoos, and then the four girls took us to their place.
Raj: But we don’t have tattoos. What if someone asks to see our tattoos?
Howard: We say they’re in a very intimate area.
Raj: Oh, we are bad boys, aren’t we?
Howard: Right, right, so we go back to their place, and then the six of us end up in a hot tub.
Raj: But we just got tattoos. Wouldn’t we be concerned about bacterial infection?
Howard: True. Okay, forget the hot tub. The point is, we each have a ménage with sexy goth girls.
Raj: Wow. What a great night.
Howard: Yeah. Hey, want to try a country bar tomorrow night.
Raj: Yeah, maybe we’ll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
Howard: Could happen.
Raj: I wonder how they smell.
Series 3 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation
Scene: The apartment kitchen. Penny is cooking breakfast while singing and dancing along to “Man I Feel Like A Woman” by Shenia Twain. Sheldon enters.
Penny: Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.
Penny: All right, want some French toast?
Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.
Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.
Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?
Leonard: Morning.
Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Leonard: Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet.
Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
Leonard: No, her bed kind of… broke.
Sheldon: That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition
of a second normal size human being wouldn’t cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.
Penny: Oh, you’re my little homunculus.
Leonard: Don’t do that.
Penny: Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?
Sheldon: I want oatmeal.
Penny: Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.
Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
Penny: You know what, I give up. He’s impossible.
Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”
Leonard: Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
Leonard: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?
Leonard: It’s a… (gives up)
Sheldon: Boy, that does smell good. Too bad it’s Monday.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, so Kim the night manager went on maternity leave, and her husband’s name is Sandy, right? So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband’s name is Kim.
Leonard: Wow!
Penny: I know. What are the odds?
Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…
Leonard: Sheldon! it’s an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon, it’s as if you don’t think I’ll punch you.
Leonard: Come on, you guys, let it go.
Penny: Fine, whatever. Are you finished?
Sheldon: Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate
Penny: Um, yeah, sure, thanks.
Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don’t.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, now that’s you, obnoxious and insufferable.
Howard (arriving, in goth gear): What’s going on, day dwellers?
Penny: Oh, man, did the Kiss Army repeal don’t ask, don’t tell?
Howard: No. Raj and I are going a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people. Anybody want to come along?
Penny: Oh, wow, you’re actually going out like that?
Howard: No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms)
Leonard: Howard, what did you do?
Howard: They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?
Howard: Okay, how about you two? Look, I’ve got some extra tat sleeves.
Leonard: Why are you carrying extras?
Howard: Well, In case I snag one on someone’s nipple ring.
Penny: Uh, yeah, I think we’ll pass.
Howard: Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now?
Leonard: In this case, you bet she is.
Howard (after Raj whispers): Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
Leonard: They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.
Penny: They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.
Sheldon: Did you? I didn’t notice. Have a chocolate.
Penny: Thank you.
Scene: The goth club.
Raj: I think we’re fitting in quite nicely.
Howard: It’d help if you weren’t drinking light beer.
Raj: Oh, what’s so gothic about vodka and cranberry juice?
Howard: Hello, it looks like blood. Did you even read the Wiki How link I sent you on being goth?
Raj: No, I’m behind on my wiki-reading I’m kind of on a John Grisham kick right now.
Howard: What?
Raj: Well, I finished reading The Pelican Brief and loved it so much, I dived right into The Client. He was a lawyer himself so his novels are accurate as well as entertaining.
Howard: Just remember we are lost boys, children of the night.
Raj: Great. Lost boys, children of the night. Got it. Can you pass the Chex mix, please. Thank you. We are lost boys.
Girl: Good for you.
Howard: I’m actually much morelost than he is.
Girl: Nice ink.
Howard: Thanks. Can we buy you ladies a drink?
Girl: Two light beers.
Raj: Light beers? Well, Wiki-how about that?
Second girl: What’s your names?
Howard: I’m Howard.
Raj: Raj.
Girl: I’m Bethany.
Howard: Nice to meet you, Bethany.
Raj: Yes, very nice.
Bethany: Nice to meet you too.
Second girl: I’m Sarah. Not that anyone cares.
Raj: Do either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: What’s this cartoon called again?
Leonard: Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.
Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.
Penny: Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.
Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.
Penny: Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip.
Sheldon: Thank you. Chocolate?
Penny: Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…
Leonard: Okay, I know what you’re doing.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard: No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard: Well, you shouldn’t.
Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you’re not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you’re forbidden.
Sheldon (Squirting him with a water spray): Bad Leonard.
Scene: The goth club.
Bethany: So what do you guys do?
Howard: Oh, you know, goth stuff. Goth magazines, goth music.
Raj: Goth food.
Sarah: What’s goth food?
Raj: Uh… blackened salmon?
Bethany: No, I meant what do you do for jobs?
Raj: Oh, we’re scientists.
Howard: Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
Bethany: What are the dark sciences
Raj: Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
Howard: Oy vay.
Raj: That sounds really cool.
Howard: Does it? Okay, if you like space stuff, I design components for the international space station. Which is in space. Where, as I’m sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
Raj: So what do you gals do?
Bethany: I work at the Gap.
Howard: Really? How about that? I’ve been to the Gap.
Raj: Yeah, I’ve been there as well. I like your tee-shirts with the little pocket.
Sarah: I work there too. Not that anyone cares. You know, this place is boring.
Bethany: Yeah. Why don’t we go somewhere else and have some fun?
Howard: Okay.
Raj: Sure, we like fun.
Howard: We are fun people.
Raj: Dark and fun.
Bethany: Come on, I know a place you’ll really dig.
Howard: Did you bring the black condoms?
Raj: In my fanny pack.
Howard: Let’s go.
Scene: A tattoo parlour. Bethany is getting a tattoo.
Raj: Are you happy now?
Howard: Not particularly.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (voice outside door): Oh’ my God, she didn’t!
Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You’re not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.
Leonard: Forget it.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon You wouldn’t prefer a throaty chuckle?
Leonard: You’re not changing how Penny laughs.
Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.
Penny (entering): Uh, sorry guys, that girl is (high pitched) freaky!
Sheldon: Come again?
Penny (normal voice): Freaky.
Sheldon (lower voice): Freaky?
Penny (lower voice): Yeah, freaky.
Sheldon: Have a chocolate.
Penny: Thank you.
Scene: The tattoo parlour. Howard is laying down, preparing to have a tattoo on his lower back.
Raj: Are you seriously going to deface your body just for the possibility you could have cheap sex with a strange girl you met in a bar?
Howard: Uh, yeah!
Raj: What is your mother going to say?
Howard: She’s not going to see it. She takes my temperature orally now.
Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?
Howard: Well, I can’t really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.
Bethany: Kermit the Frog?
Howard: You know (Kermit voice) Hi ho, I’m on Howard’s butt!
Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I’ll see if I can make him smile.
Howard: Yeah, I’d like the mean little skull, please.
Sarah: What are you going to get, Raj?
Raj: With my luck, hepatitis
Tattooist: Okay, here we go.
Howard: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Tattooist: That’s just rubbing alcohol.
Howard: I know, but it was cold. Ow, ow, ow!
Tattooist: I’m putting on the stencil.
Howard: What comes after the stencil?
Tattooist: This.
Howard: Aaaaaargh! Okay, that’s it, no needle, no pain, no tattoo.
Bethany: What’s the big deal, you’ve done this before.
Howard: No, I haven’t, look. (Rips off tattoo sleeves) I’m sorry, I’m a fraud, he’s a fraud.
Raj: We’re both frauds.
Howard: Yeah, I think I covered that.
Raj: But I was summing up.
Howard: We’re not goth, we’re just guys.
Raj: Very, very smart guys.
Bethany: So you were totally scamming us?
Howard: Yes. And I wouldn’t blame you if you walked out of here and never wanted to see us again. Unless of course our bold honesty has suddenly made us attractive.
Bethany: I’m leaving.
Sarah: I’m leaving too. Not that anyone cares.
Raj: When we tell this story, let’s end it differently.
Howard: What are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: Thank you. (Throws a chocolate. Penny catches it in her mouth)
Penny: Mmm, these are so good
Leonard: Unbelievable.
Penny: What?
Leonard: I was just thinking, we should probably turn in too.
Penny: well, my new bed got delivered, if you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place.
Leonard: Really, that’s a lot of work, and it’s kind of late.
Penny: Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.
Leonard: Let’s go.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Howard: Okay, wait, how about this? We say there were four goth girls, the two girls in the club had two friends.
Raj: I like it, I like it. Did they smell good despite their gothlike nature?
Howard: What’s that got to do with the story?
Raj: Engaging my olfactory sense helps make it real for me.
Howard: Fine, they smelled good.
Raj: Oh, they did. Like jasmine and honeysuckle.
Howard: Whatever.
Raj: And then they held hands and did a sexy, demonic hokey-pokey for us.
Howard: No, no. Look, let me say my story all the way through, and then you can say yours, and then we’ll pick.
Raj: I’m sorry. Go on.
Howard: Okay. We got tattoos, and then the four girls took us to their place.
Raj: But we don’t have tattoos. What if someone asks to see our tattoos?
Howard: We say they’re in a very intimate area.
Raj: Oh, we are bad boys, aren’t we?
Howard: Right, right, so we go back to their place, and then the six of us end up in a hot tub.
Raj: But we just got tattoos. Wouldn’t we be concerned about bacterial infection?
Howard: True. Okay, forget the hot tub. The point is, we each have a ménage with sexy goth girls.
Raj: Wow. What a great night.
Howard: Yeah. Hey, want to try a country bar tomorrow night.
Raj: Yeah, maybe we’ll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
Howard: Could happen.
Raj: I wonder how they smell. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x03 - The Gothowitz Deviation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?
Penny (arriving): Hi, guys. Hi, honey.
Leonard: Hey.
Howard: Ooh, we’re honey now, are we?
Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
Penny: You’re boring people sweetie.
Sheldon: Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
Penny: So, what are you guys doing?
Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day.
Leonard: We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.
Penny: Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
Sheldon: The parade.
Penny: Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they’re calling it off on account of my brother’s trial.
Leonard: What’s he on trial for?
Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.
Leonard: Oh. I’ll be there.
Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?
Penny: I guess I could serve both.
Sheldon: You guess? You don’t seem to have much of a handle on this.
Howard: Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.
Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard: Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It’s not as good as it sounds.
Penny: Raj, what about you?
Howard: Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal? (Raj bursts into tears and runs away) All right, this year, you don’t have to eat the tur-briska-fil. I don’t even chew it. I swallow it like pills.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A few moments later.
Leonard: So, what’s going on with Raj?
Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother’s tur-brka-fil.
Penny: Hard to believe, but go on.
Howard: The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean, he’s getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.
Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.
Howard: Okay, she’s gone.
Raj: Sorry. I lost my cool.
Leonard: So, what’s going on?
Raj: Okay, here’s the deal, six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a d*ad end.
Howard: So?
Raj: So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.
Leonard: So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?
Raj: You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?
Sheldon: And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.
Raj: I don’t want to go back to India. It’s hot and loud, and there’s so many people. You have no idea, they’re everywhere.
Howard: Okay, guys, think, how do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny (from outside): Why doesn’t he just get another job?
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): What are you asking me for? I don’t know if you can talk now or not.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Oh, beef, I’m going to miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald’s, you can’t get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce, curry, which, in India,
believe you me, is really not that special.
Leonard: Don’t worry, you’ll find another job.
Raj: Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
Raj: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a s*ab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.
Raj: I’m sad.
Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.
Raj: What are you eating?
Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Raj: Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all.
Leonard: I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!
Sheldon: I’m sorry.
Raj: Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.
Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: And you’re wrong about Hinduism and cows.
Howard (arriving): Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
Raj: You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic!
Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.
Raj: I’m on it.
Sheldon: That’s happy, right?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Nailed it.
Scene: Professor Laughlin’s office.
Prof Laughlin: Dr. Koothrappali, come on in. I was surprised to hear you were interested In joining our little team. Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
Raj: No, no, it’s a very promising area. In a perfect world I’d spend several more years on it. But I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Prof Laughlin: Splendid. Uh, please sit down. Can I offer you a sherry?
Raj: It’s a little early, isn’t it?
Prof Laughlin: Not on Proxima Centauri.
Raj: That’s very good. Jolly amusing, but if you don’t mind, I’ll hold off until sunset on titan.
Prof Laughlin: Oh, well done. I have a feeling you’re going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Thank you, sir. (There is a knock on the door. A young woman enters)
Woman: I’m sorry. Am I late?
Prof Laughlin: No, no, no. Right on time. Dr. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT. She’ll be heading up our data analysis team.
Dr Millstone: It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali. I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size distribution. I really enjoyed it. How did you correct for the selection bias? (During this, Raj surreptitiously wanders over to where Prof Laughlin’s drinks are, pours himself a large sherry and knocks it back in one.)
Raj: Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
Dr Millstone: That’s just fascinating.
Raj: Thank you. Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub? So, when do I start?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: What do you mean you didn’t get the job? How could you not get it?
Raj: You know, he’s British, I’m Indian, ever since Gandhi they haven’t liked us very much.
Leonard: Wait, are you saying that he discriminated against you? Because we should file a complaint.
Raj: That’s okay. A complaint has been filed. So, that’s it. That was my last hope. I’m going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay. Or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service.
Howard: I’m really going to miss you.
Raj: Will you come visit me in India?
Howard: Gee, that’s, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway?
Raj: Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Howard: Tell you what, we’ll skype.
Sheldon (arriving): Gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…
Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.
Raj: You want me to work with you?
Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.
Raj: Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Raj (knocking and entering): Sheldon, are you busy?
Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.
Raj: Shall I wait?
Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?
Raj: I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.
Raj: Wha… You’re kidding!
Sheldon: Please.
Raj: All right.
Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?
Raj: Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years.
Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Raj: Sheldon, for God’s sakes, don’t make me beg.
Sheldon: Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Ah, it’s nice having the place to ourselves, isn’t it?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don’t have to chauffeur him around anymore. Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Hey, want to get a little crazy?
Leonard: What are you thinking?
Penny: Let’s slide over to Sheldon’s spot a make out.
Leonard: You are a dirty girl.
Penny (as the making out is interrupted by a knock on the door): Oh, God, how did he know?
Howard: Hello.
Leonard: Hi, Howard.
Howard: Am I interrupting?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.
Howard: Guess I should have called.
Penny: Yeah, maybe.
Howard: Tonight’s the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the palomino.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Howard: But he’s working with Sheldon.
Penny: Yes, we know.
Howard: Want me to leave?
Leonard: You know, whatever.
Howard: Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while. So what are we watching? Sex and the city.
Yikes.
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard: Fine, let’s watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.
Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.
Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
Sheldon: This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.
Raj: All right, let’s buckle down and work.
(To the tune of Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, there is a montage of images, in all of which Sheldon and Raj are staring at the same equation on a whiteboard.)
Raj: Sheldon.
Sheldon: What?
Raj: I need an aspirin.
Sheldon: Top desk drawer.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: Alright?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Good.
(Montage of scenes resumes)
Scene: Penny and Leonard exiting Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: That was fun. Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, honey, you don’t have to say thank you every time we have sex.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow you’re going to get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
Howard: Top o’ the mornin’o ya!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he’s still working with Sheldon, so I thought I’d come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It’s the perfect meal for apres l’amour.
Penny: Oh, k*ll me.
Howard: By the way, I couldn’t help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had k*lled me when I said k*ll me, I wouldn’t have had to hear that.
Howard: What do you guys think? Want to take in a matinee, maybe go rollerblading, catch a step class?
Penny: Do something.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. Um, Howard, we need to talk.
Howard: Sure. ’sup, homes?
Leonard: Uh, please understand that it’s not that we don’t want you around, but Penny and I occasionally need some alone time.
Howard: Oh. I get it, I’m the third wheel. Sorry, I should have seen that. I’ll get out of your way. Uh, you’re gonna want to eat those eggs while they’re still hot.
Leonard: Thank you. There’s lox and cream cheese in the fridge, the bagels are in the oven, I was warming them up.
Penny: That’s great.
Howard: Ill just hang out with my mom. That’s always fun.
Leonard: Good.
Penny: Are we terrible people?
Leonard: I don’t know. What do you want me to do?
Penny: Get him, bring him back.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Okay. Howard come back.
Howard: Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.
Scene: Sheldon’s office. Sheldon is writing on the whiteboard.
Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?
Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?
Raj: I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space.
Sheldon: Astro means star.
Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.
Sheldon: English is your native language.
Raj: Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this!
Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.
Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.
Sheldon: Caca?
Raj: It means doo-doo.
Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…
Raj: Aha! So I am working with you.
Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.
Raj: Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry)
Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.
Raj: Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Raj: Let me finish.
Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.
Raj: I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it.
Sheldon: Give me the eraser.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: I said give it to me.
Raj: Come and get it.
Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!
Raj: You are not my superior.
Sheldon: I am in every way.
Raj: Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs complex finger trick*) Nice working with you. I’m sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.)
Scene: Outside Raj’s flat.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.
Raj: I’m busy.
Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.
Raj: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.
Raj: So you were wrong.
Sheldon: I didn’t say that.
Raj: That’s the only logical inference.
Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.
Raj: For you or with you?
Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.
Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: I’ll take the job. See you Monday.
Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.
Raj: How did you get here?
Sheldon: I walked.
Raj: So walk home.
Sheldon: I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.
Raj: All right. (As they walk down the corridor, Eye of the Tiger starts playing again.)
(* to perform trick, place both hands together as if praying, then fold two middle fingers over so that they pass to the right of one another, finally rotate right hand anti-clockwise and waggle both middle fingers) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x04 - The Pirate Solution"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: All right, Raj has played his phantom w*rlord card, and I am going to back him up with my strangling vines. Choke on that, sucka.
Leonard: Okay, well, then I’ll just cut your vines with my ruby sword. That’s right, I did it. I cut ‘em.
Penny: Um, I have a question.
Leonard: w*rlord beats troll, troll beats elf, elf beats water sprite, and basically everything beats enchanted bunny.
Howard: Unless you have the carrot power.
Penny: Okay, I’ve got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah?
Leonard: Just play a potion card.
Penny: Which one?
Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win.
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.
Penny: How could he ruin the game?
Sheldon: Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four f*re w*apon, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.
Leonard: See? Ruined.
Penny: Sheldon, that is incredible.
Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.
Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon: Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I’ve told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
Howard: Well, I guess game’s over.
Penny: Really? Oh, great. I mean, aw. Okay, I gotta go.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Because the last me I didn’t go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard: Not Ka. Ka-ah.
Penny: Ba-eye.
Leonard: See ya. Still can’t believe she’s going out with me.
Raj: Nobody can.
Howard: That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you.
Leonard: What?
Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.
Leonard: Yeah, I don’t remember that.
Sheldon: June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue.
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Howard: So you’ve been with Penny for like a month and a half now. Where’s my shorty, Morty?
Leonard: Howard, you can’t hold me to that.
Howard: Why not?
Leonard: Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.
Raj: Hey, how come I wasn’t part of this deal?
Sheldon: You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.
Raj: Oh, so that’s how it works? I have a teeny bladder and now I don’t get a hot girlfriend?
Howard: Yeah, Raj, that’s how it works.
Raj: Damn.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Leonard: Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, no.
Leonard: But you have a whole bunch of ‘em.
Sheldon: Yes, I’ve moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I’ll add a guest napkin, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That’s the face napkin.
Howard: So, have you talked to Penny yet?
Leonard: No, I haven’t.
Howard: Why not?
Leonard: Because I’ve been busy, because I haven’t figured out a way to bring it up, and mostly, and I can’t stress how key this is, because I don’t want to.
Howard: Leonard, a pact is a pact. You have to get Penny to fix me up.
Leonard: It’s not that simple. What am I supposed to say? Penny, do you have any friends you’d like to never hear from again?
Howard: Come on, I’m smart, I have good job and I have only three percent body fat.
Raj: It’s true. I’ve seen him at the beach, he’s like a human chicken wing.
Howard: Leonard, come on.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll ask if she has a friend for you.
Howard: A hot friend.
Leonard: Right.
Howard: And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20.
Leonard: I’ll see what I can do.
Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?
Sheldon: I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.
Raj: Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today.
Sheldon: That would probably save us some time.
Raj: Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.
Raj: What about the money?
Sheldon: I have money.
Raj: But this is other money.
Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have?
Raj: Half of it will be mine.
Sheldon: Do you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater-vest?
Raj: Leonard, help.
Leonard: Are you kidding? I couldn’t even talk him into giving me one of his freakin’ napkins.
Scene: Leonard and Penny are in bed.
Penny: Wow, you really are a genius.
Leonard: Not really. I googled how to do that. So, listen, have you ever made a pact with someone?
Penny: You mean, like a pinky swear?
Leonard: Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
Penny: Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie. You know, from Sesame Street?
Leonard: Yeah, I’m familiar with Bert and Ernie.
Penny: Then we found out we both wanted Ernie. We didn’t speak again until middle school.
Leonard: Over puppets?
Penny: The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
Leonard: Okay. Speaking of what the heart wants, um, a long time ago, I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.
Penny: Okay, I don’t know where you’re going with this, but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have.
Leonard: No, no, nothing like that. The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we’d have her fix the other one up with one of her friends.
Penny: And you thought a good time to bring this up be right after sex.
Leonard: Well, I sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up before sex, and during, I was trying to remember what I read on google, so…
Penny: I’m not hooking Wolowitz up with one of my friends.
Leonard: Come on, it doesn’t have to be a good friend. And you know that deep down inside, Howard’s a really nice guy.
Penny: The problem isn’t what’s on the inside. It’s the creepy candy coating.
Leonard: Will you at least think about it? Just as a favour to me?
Penny: Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.
Stuart: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?
Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.
Stuart: All right, I won’t set one aside for you.
Sheldon: But I must have it.
Stuart: Okay, I’ll set one aside for you.
Sheldon: Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?
Stuart: Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:
The Next Generation is going to be participating in your tournament?
Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?
Sheldon: You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.
Raj: Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here.
Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Raj: Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here.
Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.
Raj: Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here.
Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.
Raj: Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here.
Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.
Raj: No doubt, sign here.
Sheldon: From hell’s heart, I s*ab at thee.
Stuart: All right, Raj, looks like you’re teamed up with die, Wil Wheaton, die.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Howard: So, tell me more about the future mother of my children.
Penny: She’s adorable, Howard. I think you’ll like her.
Howard: Great. So what did you tell her about me? Did you mention the body fat?
Penny: No, I thought that would be a nice surprise for her.
Howard: Good, good.
Penny: I just told her you’re an aerospace engineer, you speak five languages…
Howard: Six if you count Klingon.
Leonard: Girls don’t count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right. Oh, and I told her you have an unhealthy attachment to your mother.
Howard: What?
Penny: I’m kidding.
Leonard: Another delightful surprise for her.
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Sheldon, it’s your play. Sheldon.
Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.
Raj: Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top!
Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!
Raj: You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters.
Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?
Raj: Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we b*at lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship.
Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.
Raj: Dude, you have to stop talking like that. It’s really lame.
Sheldon: Silence!
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Howard: So, Penny tells me you’re working as a waitress to put yourself through grad school. That’s pretty great, what are you studying?
Bernadette: Microbiology.
Howard: Oh, cool. So you could study me.
Bernadette: I don’t understand.
Howard: Microbiology is the study of tiny living things.
Bernadette: I know, I’m studying it.
Howard: And I said you could study me ’cause I’m a tiny living thing. It’s a joke.
Bernadette: Are you sure?
Howard: Do you like science-fiction?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Role-playing games?
Bernadette: Like in the bedroom or like Dungeons and Dragons?
Howard: Either.
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Gonna be a long night.
Penny: Yeah, well, it’s your fault.
Leonard: I had to ask. You didn’t have to say yes.
Howard: You like magic?
Bernadette: Not really.
Howard: Okay.
Leonard: Long, long night.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: I play my endless serpent. Raj will play ecstatic frenzy, which means Larry will have to play chaos overlord, then Captain Sweatpants, molten river. I play nightshade dryad, game, set and match. Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say revenge is a dish best served cold in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Scene: A restaurant.
Howard: How about computers? Do you like computers?
Bernadette: I use them. I don’t like them.
Howard: Okay… Puppies? Where do you stand on puppies?
Bernadette: A puppy once bit my face.
Howard: Of course it did.
Leonard: How about that? Einstein was wrong.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Approaching the speed of light doesn’t slow down time. Approaching them does.
Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. Oh, damn. It’s my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going to answer it?
Howard: I’m torn. She might be dying, and, you know, I wouldn’t want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you’ve had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette: Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you’re nine years old?
Howard: You live with your mother?
Bernadette: No. That’s the sad part.
Howard: Ooh, rough. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn’t pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette: That’s nothing. I couldn’t ride a bicycle ’cause my mother was afraid I’d h*t a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard: Oh, wow. You didn’t, did you?
Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard: Corolla!
Bernadette: Oh!
Howard: More wine?
Bernadette: I’d love some.
Howard: Listen, you have to come to shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: A catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I’ve been hoping for.
Bernadette: Okay, but only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard: It’s a date.
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
Scene: The comic book store.
Raj: Lava serpent.
Stuart: Nest of snakes.
Wil Wheaton: Underworld guardian.
Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.
Wil Wheaton: Invisibility spell.
Sheldon: Luminescence spell.
Wil Wheaton: Water nymph.
Sheldon: f*re demon.
Wil Wheaton: Two-headed tiger.
Sheldon: Three-headed lion.
Wil Wheaton: Sulphur.
Sheldon: Brimstone.
Raj: Problem, Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Hang on.
Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.
Wil Wheaton: I think he’s got me.
Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.
Wil Wheaton: What?
Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.
Wil Wheaton: You went to the ‘95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.
Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you.
Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.
Wil Wheaton: It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?
Sheldon: Oh, yes.
Raj: Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off!
Wil Wheaton: It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.
Raj: What are you waiting for? k*ll Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, s*ab at him!
Sheldon: I can’t.
Raj: Sure you can. Do it! Do it!
Sheldon: No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny.
Raj: No! Not enchanted bunny!
Wil Wheaton: I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie.
Sheldon: I… I… I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our prize money.
Stuart: That was fun.
Sheldon (while camera zooms out from Sheldon to above planet in a pastiche of the famous Wrath of Khan scene): Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheaton! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x05 - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell. The guys are carrying kites.
Leonard: Kites, ho!
Howard: Kites ho!
Raj: Kites ho!
All three: Kites, ho!
Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re misusing the word ho. It’s an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho!
The three guys: Kites, ho!
Penny: Hey, guys. What you doing? Going out to discover electricity?
Leonard: If you’re referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not discover electricity, he merely used a kite to determine that lightning consists of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho.
Leonard: We’re heading out for some kite fighting.
Penny: Kite fighting?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It’s an extremely competitive, cutthroat sport.
Sheldon: Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger.
Leonard: You want to come watch?
Penny: Oh, gee, sounds amazing, but, um, I’ve got some friends coming over. Not a big thing, we’re just gonna watch the Nebraska game.
Leonard: Oh. Football, sure.
Howard: Good guess.
Penny: I would’ve invited you, but I know you’re not a football fan.
Leonard: No, no, I’m not, so, great. You’ve got plans doing something you like, I’ve got plans doing something I like, so it’s good.
Penny: Well, maybe we’ll hang out later, you know, after everybody’s gone.
Leonard: Yeah, great.
Penny: See ya.
Leonard: Well, this sucks.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
Raj: Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites.
Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The park.
Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.
Leonard: Why wouldn’t Penny want her friends to meet me?
Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of w*r are unleashed.
Leonard: Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her.
Sheldon: You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.
Leonard: Sorry.
Sheldon: Sorry won’t bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn!
Raj: Oh, they think we’re flanking, they’re playing right into our hands. On the count of three, we execute the flying scissor. One, two…
Howard: Whoa! Did you see that?
Raj: See what?
Howard: That chick, she smiled at me.
Raj: No, she didn’t.
Howard: Yes, she did.
Raj: Come on, scissors, scissors!
Howard: Hold my line.
Raj: Wait, what are you doing? I can’t scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!
Sheldon: Victory!
Raj: Son of a bitch.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Raj: You’re a sucky friend, you know that? A sucky, sucky friend.
Howard: What was I supposed to do? She gave me that come-hither look.
Raj: If she gave you any look at l. It was a you suck look.
Howard: I would’ve caught up to her if I hadn’t pulled a hammy.
Raj: Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.
Leonard: So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be?
Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.
Leonard: Oh, how kind of her.
Sheldon: Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do?
Raj: You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don’t have a sh*t with.
Howard: I totally had a sh*t.
Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That’s not a sh*t, that’s a felony. What’s worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could give me my kite back?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: How was your football party?
Penny: It was pretty good. We won.
Leonard: Oh, that’s excellent. It’s a weird figure of speech, isn’t it, we won when you weren’t
actually playing. When we watch Star Wars, we don’t say, we defeated the Empire.
Penny: I’m glad to hear it.
Leonard: Oh, hey, on a related subject, are you embarrassed to have me around your friends?
Penny: Oh, my god, no. Why would you ask that?
Leonard: Well, you know, I just noticed I haven’t really met any of them.
Penny: Sure you have.
Leonard: Well, yeah, no, I met the huge ex-boyfriend and the smaller yet still larger than me ex-boyfriend. Were they here today?
Penny: Of course not.
Leonard: Of course not. Why would they be? Why would I ask? Why am I rambling? Why don’t you stop me?
Penny: Leonard, look, if you want to meet my friends, that would be great. I just, you know, I didn’t want you to be bored.
Leonard: I wouldn’t be bored. Why would I be bored?
Penny: Well, ’cause they’re not genius scientists.
Leonard: Penny, I like all sorts of people. In fact, some of my best friends aren’t geniuses.
Penny: Like who?
Leonard: Okay, some of my Facebook friends aren’t geniuses. My point is, if we’re going to be a couple, I should be friends with your friends.
Penny: Okay, great. Well, then why don’t you come over next Saturday and watch the game with us.
Leonard: Another football game?
Penny: They have them every week.
Leonard: Did not know that.
Penny: You wanted to meet my friends.
Leonard: Sure, sure, just I don’t know much about football.
Penny: Oh, that’s okay, a lot of the guys’ girlfriends don’t know football. They just kind of drink and talk in the kitchen.
Leonard: Great.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard and Raj are watching a football game on the television.
Leonard: Okay, a complete pass. First down, New England. I think I’m starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I’ve learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I’m just saying, maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.
Howard (arriving): Raj, what are you doing here? You were supposed to help me pimp out my Vespa.
Raj: I’m sorry, are you under the impression that we’re still friends?
Howard: Oh come on, you’re not still grinding on the kite thing, are you?
Raj: It’s not just the kite thing. Every time we go some place, you think you can just dump me whenever someone prettier comes along, even though you don’t have a sh*t with them.
Howard: But I had a sh*t with that jogger.
Raj: Fine. Paint green flames on your little scooter with her. (Leaves)
Howard: It’s not a little scooter. It’s the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football?
Leonard: There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?
Howard: All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.
Leonard: Sacks, sacks…
Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Leonard: Huh… Scrimmage…
Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence.
Leonard: Oh.
Howard: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard: Apparently.
Howard: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.
Leonard: Unbelievable.
Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard: So you could teach me?
Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?
Leonard: Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.
Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.
Leonard: Please, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Fine.
Leonard: I really appreciate this.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
Leonard: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to sh**t close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.
Scene: The kitchen. Sheldon is making toast in a cylon toaster which burns an image of a cylon onto the toast.
Leonard: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?
Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?
Leonard: What’s wrong with a football jersey?
Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.
Leonard: I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.
Leonard: Anyway, wish me luck.
Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
Leonard: Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way.
Sheldon: How would you put it?
Leonard: Yeah, okay, like you said.
Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.
Leonard: Good-Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?
Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m trying to fit in, not get laughed at.
Sheldon: What’s funny about Cylon toast?
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is watching a Bollywood movie. There is a knock on the door.
Raj: It’s open.
Howard: Hey, pal.
Raj: What do you want?
Howard: I brought you a little gift. New kite.
Raj: The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang, an Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
Howard: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
Raj: Wow, you just don’t get it, do you? Buying me something pretty isn’t going to make our problem just go away.
Howard: Look, I admit I haven’t always been the best friend I could be.
Raj: You’ve been a sucky friend, a sucky, sucky friend.
Howard: Stipulated.
Raj: And you do it all the time. Last week in the mall at Radio Shack, we were looking for a phone with giant numbers for your mother, and I suddenly realize you’re not even there.
Howard: I know, I know.
Raj: And where were you?
Howard: Getting sh*t down by the girl at Hot Dog on a Stick. But in my defence, she was gorgeous, and working that squeezer to make the lemonade, going up and down and up and down. It was like a free pole dance right in the middle of the food court.
Raj: You’re impossible.
Howard: Hey, at least I can talk to women without being drunk.
Raj: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You’re just a douche.
Howard: No. You know what? Maybe that’s what this whole thing’s about. You’re not mad at me, you’re mad at yourself.
Raj: No, I’m mad at you. I hate myself, but I’m mad at you.
Howard: Fine. You’re mad at me. I get it. Now, how about we go spend the day together? Just the two of us. We’ll go anywhere you want.
Raj: I don’t know.
Howard: Come on. Let me take you someplace nice.
Raj: I… I do enjoy the La Brea Tar Pits.
Howard: Really, now? With the traffic and the parking, it’s… okay, fine. The Tar Pits. Let’s go.
Raj: Oh, why can’t I stay mad at you?
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Everyone is watching football.
Leonard: Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?
Penny: Sweetie, that’s a highlight from the ‘98 championship game.
Leonard: Oh. Did not know that.
Penny: How much beer have you had?
Leonard: None, why?
Penny: Oh. I was just kind of hoping you were drunk. Now we’re back live.
Leonard: Okay, yeah. I can see the difference.
Guy in baseball hat: Oh, where’s the flag, that’s intentional grounding.
Second guy: Totally.
Leonard: That completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can’t believe they’re not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul.
Penny: Here, have some pizza, sweetie.
Leonard: Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.
Penny: I know. I just need you stop talking.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Sheldon, come in.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.
Penny: There’s some in the fridge.
Sheldon: You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.
Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?
Leonard: Mimesis?
Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.
Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?
Sheldon: I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Leonard: Oh, I guess so.
Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?
Leonard: I don’t want to fly kites, Sheldon. We’re watching football here.
Sheldon: I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.
Leonard: Oh, look at that. The Oklahoma coach has thrown down a red flag indicating he’s challenging the ruling on the field. I hope he’s right, ’cause if he’s not, it’ll cost him one of his three time-Outs.
Penny: You know, Leonard, honey, I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I’ll watch the end of the game. Besides, there’s only three minutes left.
Penny: Until half time.
Leonard: This is just half? We’ve been here for hours.
Penny: And you’re gonna be here for a couple more.
Leonard: Oh, you’re kidding me.
Penny: No.
Leonard: Nice meeting all of you.
Penny: So, yeah, anyway, that’s my boyfriend. He is really smart.
Scene: The Le Brea Tar Pits.
Raj: I really like my saber-toothed cat. Thank you.
Howard: My pleasure. Maybe after lunch, we can go to Marie Callender’s and have some pie.
Raj: I’d like that. This is turning out to be a perfect Saturday.
Howard: Good. I’m glad. Oh, man. Did you see the way she smiled at me?
Raj: Fine. Go ahead.
Howard: No. This is our day.
Raj: If you want to chase after her, chase after her.
Howard: Ah, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t have a sh*t with a girl like that.
Raj: Don’t put yourself down. You’re a very attractive man.
Howard: You think so?
Raj: Yeah. Absolutely. It wouldn’t k*ll you to take a Pilates class with me now and then, but you have a certain wiry appeal.
Howard: Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter ‘cause she wasn’t really smiling at me.
Raj: Actually, in this case, I think she was.
Howard: Really?
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: Bye.
Raj: What a douche. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x06 - The Cornhusker Vortex"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game.
Sheldon: Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.
Leonard: We must not be playing it right.
Penny: All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed.
Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.
Penny: Yay.
Sheldon: You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.
Leonard: Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don’t think we can play on Sunday.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: Because of the reasons that Penny will now tell you. Penny?
Penny: Actually, I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport.
Leonard: There you go, she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport, aAnd I can’t play ’cause I’m going with her, right?
Penny: Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers.
Leonard: Wait. What are you talking about?
Penny: My friend, Justin.
Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.
Leonard: Who is this Justin?
Sheldon: Your turn, Leonard.
Penny: I told you about him.
Leonard: No, you didn’t.
Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.
Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?
Leonard: Hang on. Some guy is going to be sleeping on your couch?
Penny: He’s not some guy. He’s my friend.
Leonard: So by friend, do you mean friend friend, gay friend, or ex boyfriend who you’re now platonic with but still might have a thing for you friend”?
Penny: Well, he’s definitely not gay.
Leonard: Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yippee.
Penny: Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.
Leonard: Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.
Sheldon: I’ll just roll for you.
Penny: Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Uh-oh! Industrial accident.
Penny: You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.
Leonard: I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!
Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.
Penny: How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot? It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my freakin’ life!
Sheldon: It’s also your roll.
Leonard: You know what? It is your life. If you want to have some stupid guitarist stay on your couch, then fine. Why don’t you just rent some bunk beds and invite The Black Eyed Peas?
Penny: Hey, if I want to invite the entire line up of Lollapalooza to sleep in my apartment, I will, and it’s none of your business!
Leonard: Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how childish you sound right now?
Penny: Oh, now I’m a child? Well, at least I’m not an idiot anymore!
Leonard: The two aren’t mutually exclusive!
Penny: Oh, you are such a… (Sheldon has placed ice in the blender and turned it on) What the hell is he doing?
Leonard: He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting.
Penny: Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!
Leonard: I heard of ‘em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.
Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?
Leonard: No, we just had a little spat.
Sheldon: Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?
Credits sequence
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch.
Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.
Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?
Leonard: An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.
Leonard: And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!
Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.
Leonard: What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you!
Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I can’t listen to the two of you fight anymore.
Scene: Leaving the apartment.
Sheldon: Come on, come on, we’re late.
Leonard: Calm down, we’ll make the movie.
Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.
Raj: Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.
Sheldon: Go, go, Power Rangers, go!
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. We’re, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon: No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.
Leonard: Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?
Penny: Not really, no.
Sheldon: All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone’s civil, nobody’s fighting. Have a nice evening.
Leonard: Just give us a minute.
Howard: Oh, take all the time you need.
Leonard: So, are we going to talk about last night?
Penny: Are you ready to apologize?
Leonard: No.
Penny: E-e-e-e-eh! Wrong answer, but thank you for playing.
Leonard: Oh, come on. This is stupid.
Penny: Oh, there it is again! You think I’m stupid!
Leonard: No, there’s a difference between being stupid and acting stupid.
Penny: Oh, yeah? well, there’s a difference between being a jerk and being an ass!
Leonard: No, there isn’t! They’re synonyms!
Raj: Well, that was rather unpleasant.
Howard: Yeah, I don’t think I need my preshow urination anymore.
Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: Hey! Look! Amazing Spider-Man 183.
Sheldon: Got it.
Howard: Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and then his girlfriend breaks up with him. Want me to get it for you? It’ll help take your mind off things.
Stuart: Hey, guys. What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, we need to k*ll a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.
Stuart: Oh, well, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let’s face it, that’s just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
Leonard: Thanks, Stuart. Let me ask you something. Do you think it’s okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard: No, I mean, she’s obviously way out of line.
Leonard: Thank you!
Howard: But if she dumps you, she’ll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning and you’ll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. So the only question is, how long until you fold?
Leonard: I am not going to fold.
Raj: Well, excuse me, I don’t think Penny’s out of line at all. You don’t own her. It’s like my girl, Beyonce says, if you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it.”
Howard: Come on. At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it, she should’ve backed off.
Raj: You mean like when a guy’s upset because his friend agreed to take a cooking class with him and then doesn’t show up because he’s doing a juice fast with his mother?
Howard: I didn’t know you were upset about that.
Raj: Really! Did you miss all the subtle indicators, like me saying, Howard, I am upset.
Howard: Okay, sorry.
Raj: Maybe it means something different in this country. Back in India, it means you’re upset with a guy named Howard!
Howard: I said I’m sorry.
Raj: Sorry doesn’t make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice!
Howard: Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say “Have you ever peed so much in your life?”
Raj: Oh, my God, you are such a mama’s boy.
Howard: Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!
Raj: You brought your mother into this!
Sheldon: Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon.
Howard: Boy, what got him so upset?
Raj: Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon’s upset.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.
Penny: Is Leonard coming?
Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.
Penny: Well, that’s not gonna happen.
Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.
Penny: Which is?
Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.
Penny: I’m busy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.
Penny: Fine. What do you want?
Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?
Penny: No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich.
Sheldon: You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.
Penny: Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?
Sheldon: Of course not. I’ll have my usual.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?
Penny: Don’t you usually get lemonade?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Do you want lemonade?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.
Penny: I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.
Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you.
Sheldon: I don’t follow.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go.
Sheldon: All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.
Penny: Leonard is wrong.
Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?
Penny: I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed?
Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?
Penny: Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?
Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.
Penny: My singing?
Sheldon: That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.
Penny: Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so?
Sheldon: Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.
Penny: Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop d*ad!
Sheldon: And she wonders why she’s constantly undertipped.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour.
Leonard: Sure.
Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Right now would be good.
Penny (knocking): Leonard!
Sheldon: Although, a few minutes ago would have been better.
Penny: I hear you don’t like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
Leonard: What? Who would tell you something like that? Why would you tell her something like that?
Penny: It doesn’t matter why he told me. It’s true, isn’t it?
Leonard: Okay, yeah, it’s true, but I can live with that stuff. What I can’t live with is you casually informing me that some guy’s going to be staying in your apartment without even asking me first!
Penny: That isn’t even your problem, the problem is you don’t trust me!
Leonard: Oh, come on. Sheldon, have you ever once heard me say that I don’t trust Penny? Sheldon? Where did he go?
Penny: Oh, your yelling must have freaked him out again.
Leonard: Where are you going? You just walk away in the middle of an argument?!
Penny: No, I’m going to go find your damn roommate before he hurts himself trying to cross the street or something!
Leonard: Why didn’t you say so?
Penny: Oh, now I need your permission for that, too?!
Leonard: Well, I can’t read your mind, Penny!
Penny: Really? Why not? You’re so smart, and I’m so dumb!
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.
Raj: Stop knocking! It’s open! Please tell my parents that our dark matter research is at a critical juncture, and I can’t come home for my cousin Sanjay’s wedding.
Mrs Koothrappali: Sheldon, ask our son what we’re supposed to say to Mr. and Mrs. Choudhry, whose daughter, Lakshmi is flying in from London, for the sole purpose of meeting him.
Raj: I didn’t ask you to set me up with Lakshmi.
Mrs Koothrappali: You should be thanking us!
Dr Koothrappali: Yes, Lakshmi just got her stomach stapled. You have an opportunity to get in good with her before she loses weight, and her self-esteem goes up.
Raj: I don’t care! And why don’t you think I can find a woman for myself?
Mrs Koothrappali: Because you’re 27, and the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy Howard.
Raj: Oh, that is completely below the belt. Sheldon, tell my parents that Howard and I are just friends. Sheldon? Howard and I are just friends! Fine. I’ll come home for Sanjay’s wedding.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny (out of the window): Sheldon! (whistles)
Leonard: What are you doing? He’s not a lost dog.
Penny: Hey, why don’t you just let me find him while you sit there hitting your imaginary brake?
Leonard: The brake might be imaginary, but that stop sign you just ran wasn’t.
Penny: What stop sign?
Leonard: Eyes on the road. Eyes on the road!
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Sheldon rings the doorbell.
Howard’s Mother: Howard, answer the door! I’m busy!
Howard: I’m busy too, you answer it.
Howard’s Mother: I can’t! I’m on the toilet!
Howard: For God’s sake, I don’t need to hear that! Can’t you just say, I’m busy?
Howard’s Mother: I said I’m busy, but that wasn’t good enough for you!
Howard: You know what? I hope it’s one of those home invasion deals, and they sh**t me in the head.
Howard’s Mother: Well, if it’s a home inv*de, don’t tell them I’m on the toilet!
Howard: There’s no one there. You’re hearing things, you crazy old lady!
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, have you seen Sheldon?
Stuart: Yeah, he’s, uh, over in the graphic novel section. Built himself a little nest.
Leonard: Thank you.
Stuart: Uh, Penny?
Penny: Yeah?
Stuart: Is everything okay?
Penny: What do you mean?
Stuart: Uh, Sheldon told me you and Leonard were having a fight?
Penny: Oh, yeah, kind of. It’s, it’s no big thing.
Stuart: Oh, good, good. (She moves away) I love you.
Leonard: I’m not leaving until you talk to me.
Penny: All right, what’s going on?
Leonard: It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us.
Sheldon: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting.
Sheldon: I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-sh**ting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Penny: Okay, there’s going to no more shouting and no skeet-sh**ting.
Sheldon: Really? Where’s your friend Justin going to sleep?
Leonard: Yeah, where’s he gonna sleep?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart: I’d let it go.
Leonard: Why should I let it go? Why don’t you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep? (Sheldon turns on a loud toy robot) Oh, for God’s sakes. So, you have childhood issues, we all have childhood issues, at some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot)
Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let’s just… Sheldon, please,
try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we’re going to fight. But no matter what happens between us, we will always love you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Always is a long time. Sure. Always.
Penny: You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard: Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book, too?
Penny: Yes, you can.
Stuart: We meet again.
Scene: Penny’s bed.
Leonard: So what did Justin say when you told him he couldn’t sleep on your couch?
Penny: He’s a musician. He’ll sleep in his own vomit, if he has to.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is in his spot. Beside him, a long haired bearded person is asleep. There is a guitar propped up on the arm of the sofa.
Sheldon: I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x07 - The Guitarist Amplification"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A camp site.
Howard: How much time do we have?
Leonard: Uh, t-minus five hours, 37 minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Raj: Okay, our position is 34.48 degrees north, 118.31 west. That means the azimuth should be 168.22 degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of 49.93.
Howard: Anything yet?
Leonard: Uh, we have a signal, but there’s no frame lock.
Howard: Hang on, how about now?
Raj: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard: Ooh, Real Sex.
Raj: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it’s old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
Howard: Alright, let’s see what’s on the east coast feed.
Leonard: Oh, hey. Dune.
Raj: Not a great movie, but look at that beautiful desert.
Leonard: Too bad Sheldon couldn’t come with us.
Raj: Yes, it’s not the same without him. (They all laugh)
Howard: Oh, this sucks, I’m switching back to Real Sex.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Sheldon’s log, stardate 63345.3. While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower, I have remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states. Although my research is going well I do miss the warmth of human companionship. (He laughs)
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.
Penny (voice off): Sheldon help!
Sheldon: I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..
Penny: Come in! Hurry!
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: I’m back here.
Sheldon: (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..
Penny: Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom!
Sheldon: Shall I come back at a better time?
Penny: Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.
Penny: I know. I slipped.
Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.
Penny: Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up?
Sheldon: They’re holding umbrellas.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: The ducks in my tub.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.
Penny: Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room.
Sheldon: Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.
Penny: Okay, can you drive me?
Sheldon: I don’t drive.
Penny: Well, I can’t drive!
Sheldon: Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.
Penny: Ow.
Sheldon: But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.
Penny: No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please.
Sheldon: All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.
Penny: No one’s saying that. Let’s go.
Sheldon: Well, it does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks, we both might die in a fiery car crash.
Scene: The camp site.
Leonard: I wish Penny didn’t have to work, she loves camping.
Raj: Yeah, that would have been great. You and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.
Howard: Okay, the best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby. Mostly science nerds like us, but just over yon ridge are two not unattractive middle school teachers who reek of desperation.
Raj: Wow. Wonderful. How old are they?
Howard: Oh I don’t know, 50, 55.
Raj: Oh, menopause, nature’s birth control.
Leonard: Come on, you guys can’t be that hard up.
Howard: I am.
Raj: Yeah, me, too.
Howard: Look, they gave me homemade cookies.
Leonard: Of course, they did. That’s what grandmothers do.
Raj: So, what are we waiting for?
Howard: Relax, I said we’d stop by a little later after they have their nap.
Raj: Good idea. They’ll be refreshed.
Howard: Cookie?
Raj: Yeah, thank you. Mmmm.
Leonard: Mmmm, not bad.
Raj: Yeah, very tasty. Well, so tell me more about these teachers.
Howard: Not much to tell. They had a VW Microbus and were wearing tie-dyed Grateful d*ad shirts.
Raj: Huh. Mmm. Good cookies.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?
Penny: I don’t need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt.
Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.
Penny: One was already in an accident.
Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.
Penny: Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes!
Sheldon: Okay, here.
Penny: Seriously? Those shorts with that top?
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: No… No… Oh, that’s cute.
Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.
Penny: Okay, now, you got to help me put these on.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: But don’t look.
Sheldon: Don’t look?
Penny: I don’t want you to see me naked.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.
Penny: Yeah, great.
Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.
Penny: Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Sheldon: Ok.
Penny: Is that my arm?
Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.
Penny: Then, maybe you should let it go.
Sheldon: All righty.
Scene: The camp site.
Leonard: Stars are pretty, aren’t they?
Howard: Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.
Raj: That’s beautiful, dude. You should… You should write that down before someone steals it.
Howard: So, when do the meteors get here?
Raj: The meteors don’t get here, the earth is moving into their path.
Leonard: I can feel it. I can feel the earth moving. It’s moving too fast. Raj, slow it down.
Raj: Okay, how’s that?
Leonard: Better. Thanks.
Howard: Stars are pretty, aren’t they?
Leonard: What’s so funny?
Raj: It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.
Penny: You have your learner’s permit, right?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.
Penny: Good.
Sheldon: Didn’t work out well.
Penny: All right, can we please go?
Sheldon: One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?
Penny: It’s right there.
Sheldon: Where is the passenger side mirror?
Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood. Now, can we please go?
Sheldon: Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat. Whee! Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.
Scene: The camp site.
Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed, and I would be their king.
Leonard: I hate my name. It has nerd in it. Len nerd.
Howard: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.
Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects. At first.
Leonard: You know what’s a cool name? Angelo. That has angel and jell-o in it.
Howard: It was my Uncle Murray’s funeral. We were all back at my Aunt Barbara’s house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen.
Raj: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits, they hate me and don’t come. I am embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie, how’s it goin’?
Howard: To this day, I can’t look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Penny: Could you please drive a little faster?
Sheldon: Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that?
Penny: Nothing. The engine does that sometimes.
Sheldon: That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.
Penny: No. The light has been on since I bought the car.
Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.
Penny: It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.
Penny: Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It’s not soup, it’s courage.
Sheldon: No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How did you see it? You said you wouldn’t look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
Scene: The camp site.
Howard: Anything?
Leonard: No. That was the last pudding cup.
Howard: No! What about Slim Jims?
Leonard: That’s what he used to eat his pudding, remember?
Raj: Right! That was so good! Sweety and meaty at the same time.
Howard: Wait. Wait, wait. So you’re saying we’re out of food?
Leonard: The only thing in here are blue ice packs.
Raj: I know they’re poison, but they look like big, yummy otter pops.
Leonard: Oh, god, I am so hungry.
Howard: Me too. Check and see if we have any more pudding.
Leonard: Okay.
Scene: The hospital waiting room.
Sheldon: All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart att*ck, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?
Penny: You ready know that.
Sheldon: Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to yes.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh, next question.
Sheldon: I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.
Penny: Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
Sheldon: Episodes of sub psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass.
Sheldon: Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon, Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please just take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don’t know, comforting?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. There, there. Everything’s going to be fine. Sheldon’s here.
Penny: Thanks. That’s much better.
Scene: The camp site.
Raj: Oh, I’m so hungry!
Leonard: Will you shut up? We’re all hungry.
Howard: Okay, our objective is the boy scout campsite to the east. Easy target. Big doughy scout master, couple of cubs, most webelos.
Leonard: What kind of score are we looking at?
Howard: Hot dogs, buns, s’mores, I mean, it’s a freaking 7-11.
Leonard: All right, everyone grab flashlights.
Howard: Oh, my god, could it be? Yes! My mother put an I love you brisket in my backpack.
Leonard: Quick, get forks.
Howard: You don’t need forks. It’s so tender, it falls apart in your hands.
Raj: He’s right.
Leonard: I feel like we’re forgetting something important.
Raj: Me, too. But what? (Behind them, the meteor shower has g*n)
Howard: Maybe a tupperware bowl of roasted potatoes and carrots?
Leonard and Raj together: Yes! Yes!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.
Penny: Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.
Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.
Penny: You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.
Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Penny: Sing “Soft Kitty” to me.
Sheldon: “Soft Kitty” is for when you’re sick. You’re not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
Sheldon (singing): Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Penny: Wait, wait. Let’s sing it as a round. I’ll start. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… See that’s where you come in. I’ll start over. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… I’ve got all night, Sheldon. Soft kitty, warm kitty… (Sheldon joins in with the round) little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Scene: The camp site. Raj is telling a ghost story with the torch on his face.
Raj: …And the next morning when he woke up, he rolled over and realized… duh-duh-duh! …she was his cousin.
Howard: That’s still not funny.
Raj (imitating him): That’s still not funny.
Howard: And she was my second cousin.
Raj (imitating him): And she was my second cousin.
Howard: You’re a real douche.
Raj: Who cares? You slept with your cousin. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Outside an apartment building.
Howard: So two years later, there’s a knock on the door, guy opens it, and there on his porch is the snail, who says, “What the heck was all that about?”
Bernadette: I don’t really get it.
Howard: Well, see, it took two years for the snail to… (she kisses him) not important.
Bernadette: Can I ask you a question?
Howard: Sure.
Bernadette: Where do you think this is going?
Howard: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette: You’re so funny. You’re like a stand-up comedian.
Howard: A Jewish stand-up comedian, that’d be new.
Bernadette: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard: No, I was just… never mind.
Bernadette: Look, Howard, this is our third date and we both know what that means.
Howard: We do?
Bernadette: Sex.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Bernadette: But I need to know whether you’re looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard: Okay, just to be clear, there’s only one correct answer, right? It’s not like chicken or fish on an airplane?
Bernadette: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard: You know, it’s not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette: Call me when you figure it out.
Howard: Three dates means sex? Who knew?
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Greetings, homies, homette.
Penny: Why are you back from your date so early?
Howard: In romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
Penny: What exactly does that mean?
Leonard: He struck out.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj: Actually, I’ve never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard: With Penny and me, it took two years. Now that I think about it, that was three dates.
Howard: Okay, well, before you and Penny hooked up, did she ask for any kind of commitment?
Leonard: No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open.
Sheldon (arriving): I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?
Leonard: The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.
Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?
Leonard: Never mind, what’s your announcement?
Sheldon: Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…
Kripke: Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.
Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
Kripke: My pweasure.
Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.
Kripke: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical.
Sheldon: Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.
Leonard: Are you really going to be on NPR?
Sheldon: Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.
Leonard: Very cool, congratulations.
Sheldon: Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.
Raj: I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, बहुत अच्छा संगीत के मौजूदा घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they’re simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.
Howard: Excuse me, I have a master’s degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.
Sheldon: Yes. Look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.
Leonard: You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don’t have to do it.
Raj: In fact, it’s better if you don’t, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad.
Penny: Hi, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me. I’m sorry, just screwing with you. Hey, Howard, why haven’t you called Bernadette?
Howard: Did she say something?
Penny: Yeah, she said she hasn’t heard from you in a week. I thought you liked her?
Howard: I do, yeah, but she wants a commitment and I’m not sure she’s my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free. What more do you need?
Howard: Look, Bernadette is really nice. I just always thought when I finally settle down into a relationship, it would be with someone, you know, different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know, more like Megan Fox from Transformers, or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You’d have a better sh*t with the three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard: Okay, now you’re just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like 20 years ago, imagine how saggy those things would be.
Penny: Howard, you’re going to throw away a great girl like Bernadette because you’re holding out for some ridiculous fantasy?
Howard: Hey, just because you settled doesn’t mean I have to.
Leonard: Excuse me, I’m sitting here.
Penny: Hey, I did not settle for Leonard. I mean, obviously, he isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with, you know, physically.
Leonard: Again, I’m right here.
Penny: My point is, I do not judge a book by its cover. I am interested in the person underneath.
Leonard: I am here, right? You see me.
Howard: Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.
Penny: All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong…
Sheldon: Excuse me, may I interject?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
Scene: Kripke is in a storage cupboard of some kind. He has tubes rigged up through the roof attached to helium t*nk which he is turning on. The radio is playing.
Radio: This is Ira Flatow and you’re listening to NPR’s Science Friday. Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Kripke: Oh, this is going to be a wiot.
Scene switches to Sheldon’s office, where the end of the tubing can be seen coming through the wall. Hissing can be heard.
Radio: Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.
Ira: Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?
Sheldon: Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.
Ira: Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.
Sheldon (even higher pitch): No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.
Scene cuts to university cafeteria where Kripke is holding up the radio for all to listen.
Sheldon: A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I’m going to k*ll you!
Scene: Howard’s bathroom. He is in the bath.
Howard: So nice you could join me this evening. You’re looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard: Come on, Katee, don’t make it sound so cheap.
Katee: I’m sorry, fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee: Sure. But can I ask you a question first?
Howard: You want to play Cylon and colonist?
Katee: No. I want to know why you’re playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard: You mean, Bernadette?
Katee: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She’s a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard: I know, but she’s not you.
Katee: I’m not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard: Really? Tall?
Katee: Six-four.
Howard: Ouch.
Katee: The point is, you’ve got a wonderful girl in your life, and you’re ignoring her in order to spend your nights in the bathtub with a mental image and a wash cloth.
Howard’s Mother: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard: I’m taking a bath!
Howard’s Mother: I hope that’s all you’re doing! We share that tub!
Howard: Don’t remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All soaped up and no place to go.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: How ya doin’, buddy?
Sheldon: I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?
Leonard: Come on, it wasn’t that bad.
Sheldon: What do you want?
Raj (in a munchkin voice): We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.
Leonard: Okay, so Kripke played a joke on you.
Sheldon: It wasn’t funny.
Raj: I thought it was funny.
Leonard: Raj.
Raj: You laughed.
Sheldon: Did you laugh?
Leonard: I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.
Sheldon: I refuse to sink to his level.
Raj: You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.
Leonard: Are you really admitting defeat?
Sheldon: I never admit defeat.
Leonard: Good.
Sheldon: However, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.
Leonard: What if you could make Kripke look even sillier than he made you look?
Raj: I don’t think that’s possible, dude.
Leonard: You’re not helping.
Raj: I didn’t come to help, I came to mock.
Leonard: Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.
Raj: That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.
Leonard: No, no.
Sheldon: It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.
Leonard: Okay, uh, that’s the spirit, but, um, let’s dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.
Sheldon: Oh! How about we put awhoopee cushion on his office chair? He’ll sit down, it’ll sound like he’s flatulent, even though he’s not.
Leonard: Let’s keep thinking.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Howard enters.
Penny: Oh, gee, you’re too late. Scarlett Johansson and Wonder Woman were just in here trolling around for neurotic, little weasels.
Howard: Yeah, I came to talk to Bernadette. She’s working today, right?
Penny: Yes, but I don’t think she wants to see you.
Howard: Why not?
Penny: Come on, Howard. You hurt her feelings by not calling her all week. Plus, I’ve kind of been talkin’ some smack about ya.
Bernadette: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Wait, Bernadette, I need to talk to you.
Bernadette: I can’t now, I’m working.
Howard: This will only take a second. You asked me to think about where our relationship was going, and I did. Bernadette? Will you marry me?
Bernadette: Is this more comedy that I don’t understand?
Howard: No. I’m serious. I’m never going to find another girl like you who likes me and is, you know, real.
Bernadette: So, this isn’t a joke?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: Then you’re insane.
Howard: I prefer to think of myself as quirky.
Bernadette: Howard, we’ve only been on three dates. We haven’t even had sex yet.
Howard: Fair enough. When’s your break?
Bernadette: Wow. (Walks away)
Howard: Don’t you just hate when this happens?
Penny: Wow.
Scene: The apartment kitchen.
Sheldon: All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.
Raj: What’s this?
Sheldon: Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
Raj: Foamy vengeance.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.
Leonard: This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office?
Sheldon: Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live sh*t of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
Raj: Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
Sheldon: You flatter me, sir.
Leonard: Let me guess, motion sensors?
Sheldon: The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.
Leonard: I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)
Sheldon: It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
Raj: Here comes Kripke!
Leonard: Who is that with him?
Raj: I believe that’s the president of the university.
Leonard: And the board of directors. Abort! Abort!
Sheldon: There is no abort.
Raj: Well, how could you not put in an abort?
Sheldon: I made a boo-boo, all right?
Kripke: I think the board will weally appweciate how well we’re using that NSA gwant, Pwesident Seibert. Wight here we have a micwo-contwolled pwasma… (foam falls from the ceiling soaking everyone)
Raj: Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
Leonard: At least they don’t know it was you.
Sheldon (on Kripke’s computer in the lab): Hello, Kripke. This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper. If you’d like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube. Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
Raj: Well, I’m going back to India. What’s your plan?
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Hey, here’s your tip from table seven.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Howard (on the stage, into a microphone): Testing. Check. Check two.
Bernadette: Oh, now what?
Penny: You want me to throw him out?
Bernadette: No, that’s okay.
Penny: Are you sure? He’s small. I bet I can get a nice, tight spiral on him.
Howard: I want to dedicate this number to a great gal who I’ve done wrong. (To the tune of the Four Tops song Bernadette) Bernadette, I am so sorry for trying to propose to you, Bernadette, you found it creepy but that’s just the kind of thing I do. I know now it was too soon to talk of love. It was just a crazy idea that came to me in my tub. But, Bernadette, give me one more chance, sweet Bernadette, I’ll get the hang of this thing they call romance, sweet Bernadette, I dream to once again kiss your lips, sweet Bernadette. Sincerely yours, Howard Wolowitz, Bernadette…
Penny: Oh, I am so sorry.
Bernadette: Are you kidding? That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Howard (still singing): …Bernadette! Thank you, Cheesecake Factory! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x09 - The Vengeance Formulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment
Penny: Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)
Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.
Leonard: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.
Penny: You want me to put it back?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
Howard (arriving): What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: Leonard, Penny, you know my girlfriend Bernadette.
Leonard: Yeah. Hey.
Howard: Bernadette, say fo’shizzle to my nerdizzles.
Bernadette: I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred.
Howard: I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.
Leonard: Sure. The more, the merrier.
Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.
Penny: Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?
Leonard: Relax, it’ll be fine, sit down, you guys.
Everyone: NO!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah, you can’t sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard: That’s where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can’t sit somewhere else?
Penny: Oh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he’s warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn’t direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there’s hope for you after all.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A few moments later.
Bernadette: Ooh, I love your shoes.
Penny: Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren’t they?
Bernadette: Where’d you get them?
Penny: Shoes for Less.
Bernadette: I’ve been meaning to go over there.
Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.
Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon. let the womenfolk chat.
Penny: Womenfolk?
Howard: Gals? Chicks? Utero-Americans?
Penny: Just eat your dinner.
Bernadette: Don’t take him too seriously, a lot of what he says is intended as humour.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think it’s very funny.
Bernadette: Me neither, but he just lights up when I laugh.
Penny: Howard, never let her go.
Bernadette: So, Leonard, Howard says you’re working on fundamental tests of quantum mechanics.
Leonard: I am. Are you interested in physics?
Bernadette: Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing.
Leonard: Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.
Bernadette: That’s amazing.
Sheldon: Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.
Bernadette: Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions?
Leonard: Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga. I don’t care.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Raj are playing a racing game on the Wii.
Raj: Ha! Eat my dust, racially stereotypical plumber.
Sheldon: That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.
Raj: And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive.
Sheldon: Just need a little more practice.
Raj: What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.
Penny (knocking and entering): Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second?
Sheldon: It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.
Penny: It’s not about shoes.
Sheldon: Then speak.
Penny: Um, actually, can we do it in private?
Sheldon: All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.
Penny: Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?
Sheldon: A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.
Penny: Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.
Sheldon: Why can’t Leonard teach you?
Penny: ‘Cause I want to surprise him.
Sheldon: Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me.
Sheldon: Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.
Penny: You’re sitting here playing video games all day.
Sheldon: Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?
Penny: Sure. I did the one with the frogs.
Sheldon: The one with the frogs.
Penny: Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.
Penny: Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.
Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
Penny: Great! It’s a little insulting, but great. I’ll be KoKo.
Sheldon: Not likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2,000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, fellas. This is my girlfriend Bernadette. My girlfriend Bernadette.
Bernadette: Who are all those people?
Howard: Have no idea. Hey, Leonard.
Bernadette: Hi.
Leonard: Hey, look, it’s Howard and his girlfriend Bernadette.
Howard: Thought I’d give the little woman a tour of the old salt mines.
Bernadette: He doesn’t mean salt mines. He means where he works.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I got it.
Bernadette: So, how’s your experiment going?
Leonard: Ah, terrific. We’re getting the electron accelerator set up. We should be ready to go day after tomorrow.
Bernadette: Boy, I’d love to see that.
Leonard: You’re welcome to come.
Bernadette: Really? Oh, that’d be great. How exciting is that?
Howard: Like Hanukkah in July.
Bernadette: Do they have that?
Howard: No.
Bernadette: Oh. You got me again. This isn’t non-fat yogurt, this is fatty fat fat. Excuse me.
Howard: Could you grab me another napkin, sweetie?
Bernadette: Sure.
Howard: Thanks, honey. (She goes) All right, what is your deal?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Howard: Inviting my girlfriend to come see your electron accelerator?
Leonard: Yeah? So?
Howard: Wow! You really are a piece of work. It’s not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee, too?
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Howard: Don’t play innocent with me. I practically invented using fancy lab equipment to seduce women.
Leonard: Has it ever worked?
Howard: Not so far, but that’s not the point!
Leonard: Howard, relax, I’m not interested in your girlfriend.
Howard: I hope not, because you don’t want to mess with me. I’m crazy.
Leonard: I believe you.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.
Penny: Ready to get started?
Sheldon: One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?
Penny: Um, I don’t have one.
Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?
Penny: I have to take notes?
Sheldon: How else are you gonna study for the tests?
Penny: There’s gonna be a test?
Sheldon: Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.
Penny: Ancient Greece?
Sheldon: Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work?
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: Twenty six hundred years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can’t you hold it?
Penny: Not for twenty six hundred years.
Sheldon: Project Gorilla, entry two. I am exhausted.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Howard?
Howard: Huh?
Bernadette: It unhooks in the front.
Howard: Oh, that explains a lot.
Howard’s Mother: Howard, I’m home!
Howard: Of course.
Howard’s Mother: Senior fitness was cancelled. It turns out you can forget how to ride a bike. I’m fine, but, oy, did Sam Harpootian eat gravel.
Howard: That’s great, Ma!
Howard’s Mother: What’s great about an 80-year-old Armenian man with half his chin scraped off?
Bernadette: I guess I should go.
Howard: No, no, don’t move. Hey, Ma, can I have lamb stew for dinner?
Howard’s Mother: Lamb stew? I’d have to go to the supermarket.
Howard: Please? I got a real hankering.
Howard’s Mother: Oh, I can’t say no to my little tushy face. I’ll be back soon.
Howard: Thanks, Ma.
Howard’s Mother: Do you want the regular peas or the Le Seur?
Howard: Always Le Seur peas with lamb stew!
Howard’s Mother: You’re right! When you’re right, you’re right! What if they’re out of the Le Seur?
Howard: Then get the regular!
Howard’s Mother: All right! You don’t have to yell!
Howard: Sorry about that.
Bernadette (her phone chimes): Let me just put that on vibrate.
Howard: I’m already on vibrate.
Bernadette: You know, that one I got. Howard, did you say something to Leonard about me?
Howard: Uh, what do you mean?
Bernadette: He says if I go see his experiment tomorrow it might weird you out.
Howard: Really? He said that?
Bernadette: You’re not jealous of Leonard, are you?
Howard: Me? No. I may have mentioned that it’s a little inappropriate to be asking another man’s girlfriend to his experiment without first discussing it with said man.
Bernadette: Are you saying I need to ask your permission to hang out with Leonard?
Howard: I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?
Penny: Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?
Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?
Penny: Hey! You don’t have to be so mean!
Sheldon: I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?
Penny: No, you just suck at teaching.
Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?
Penny: Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?
Sheldon: All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…
Penny: Not that far back!
Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?
Penny: I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky?
Sheldon: Greece.
Penny: Damn it!
Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?
Penny: Squared?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Aristotle?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Five?
Sheldon: Oh!
Penny: Then I don’t know.
Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I’m stupid!
Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.
Penny: Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.
Penny: Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?
Sheldon: A good question.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?
Penny: Oh, balls.
Sheldon: It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Howard: Okay, I got a bone to pick with you.
Leonard: What did I do now?
Howard: I was in bed with Bernadette, and you text-blocked me.
Leonard: What?
Howard: We were completely naked, about to devour each other when, you text her that I have a problem with her hanging out with you.
Leonard: You do have a problem with her hanging out with me.
Howard: Yeah, but that’s not what you tell her.
Leonard: What was I supposed to tell her?
Howard: I don’t know, something that doesn’t make me come off as a petty, jealous douche.
Leonard: And what would that be?
Howard: Come on, do I have to think of everything?
Bernadette: Hey, Leonard. Am I too late to see the experiment? Oh, hi.
Howard: Hi.
Bernadette: What are you doing here?
Howard: Same thing you’re doing here. I came to see Leonard’s experiment.
Bernadette: No, you didn’t. You said Leonard’s experiment was stupid.
Leonard: You told her my experiment was stupid?
Howard: I was just repeating what Sheldon said. Let’s not get off topic, Bernadette, I need to apologize. I was wrong to tell you who you should be friends with.
Leonard: Should I, um, leave you two alone?
Bernadette: No, Leonard, you should hear this.
Leonard: Okay, good, ’cause I wasn’t really gonna go.
Howard: Look, I know I come off as confident and worldly, but the truth is I’m not.
Leonard: We’re shocked.
Howard: Which is why I tend to feel thr*at by other guys.
Leonard: Or loud noises, clowns and nuns.
Howard: But I now realize how foolish that is.
Leonard: He had a panic att*ck once when he got his head stuck in a sweater.
Howard: It was a full turtleneck. Why aren’t you helping me?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe because I’m crazy?
Howard: Bernadette, please, I’m asking you to give me another chance.
Bernadette: What do you think, Leonard? Should I give him another chance?
Leonard: It’s up to you. He didn’t call your experiment stupid.
Bernadette: Come here, tushy face.
Leonard: Tushy face, that is going on Twitter right now.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Raj, you should’ve seen Leonard’s experiment. The interference pattern was so cool when the electron beam was on.
Leonard: I’m glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren’t that interested in what I do.
Penny: Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x10 - The Gorilla Experiment"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard (singing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn’t like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz k*ll that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard (continuing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I just love decorating the Christmas tree. It makes me feel like a little girl again.
Leonard: We didn’t have a tree when I was growing up.
Penny: Really? Why not?
Leonard: Mmm, in my family, holidays weren’t so much celebrated as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.
Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents?
Leonard: Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.
Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.
Penny: So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree.
Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested f*re hazard in my home I would request that you add this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon: You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.
Penny: Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy.
Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
Leonard: Merry Newton-mas, everyone.
Sheldon: I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.
Penny: No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane.
Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.
Leonard: No, he doesn’t.
Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.
Leonard: Yeah, you got me. I’m a Leibniz man.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she’ll talk some sense into you.
Penny: What? Your… your mother’s coming? When?
Leonard: Tomorrow.
Penny: When were you going to tell me?
Leonard: Um, tomorrow?
Penny: Why were you keeping this a secret?
Leonard: Well, I just, I thought…
Sheldon: If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.
Penny: Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.
Leonard: You are, it’s just…
Sheldon: If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.
Penny: Hey, it’s a big menu. There’s two pages just for desserts.
Leonard: I know. And those specials, they change every day.
Penny: Okay, you know what? It’s lame when I say it, it’s just ridiculous when you pile on.
Leonard: Okay, sorry.
Penny: So what did she say when you told her we were going out?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: You didn’t tell her we were going out, did you?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Um…
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverley: It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up.
Sheldon: No trouble at all.
Leonard: I drove, Mother. I’m driving now.
Beverley: Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory.
Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper?
Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.
Beverley: Oh, did I thank you for the flowers?
Sheldon: You did.
Beverley: I don’t really like flowers.
Sheldon: Neither do I, but it’s the social convention.
Beverley: It is, isn’t it?
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. You had surgery?
Beverley: Yes, and Sheldon sent me flowers.
Leonard: No, I heard that.
Beverley: Then what was all that wait, wait, wait about?
Leonard: I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.
Beverley: Well, I would assume it’s because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues.
Sheldon: It’s what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling.
Beverley: Yes, but we are on the subject, so I’m obliged to ask, Leonard, how are you?
Leonard: Fine, Mom. How are you?
Beverley: Mmm, menopausal.
Leonard: Now I’m less fine.
Beverley: Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?
Leonard: No. Sheldon, why didn’t you tell me?
Sheldon: My bad. I did send a gift from both of us.
Beverley: She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist.
Leonard: You must be very happy.
Beverley: Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…
Leonard: Not the time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?
Beverley: It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.
Sheldon: Isn’t she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.
Scene: The apartment.
Beverley: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent h*m* feelings toward one another?
Howard: What? No.
Beverley: Why not?
Howard: Because we don’t have latent h*m* feelings toward one another.
Beverley: I see.
Howard: No, really. I have a girlfriend now.
Beverley: And where is she this evening?
Howard: She had to go out of town. Her grandmother died.
Beverley: I see. Her grandmother died.
Howard: Honest to God. Leonard, tell her I have a girlfriend.
Leonard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Howard: What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Tell her I have a girlfriend!
Leonard: All right. He “has” a “girlfriend.”
Howard: Her name is Bernadette, she’s working as a waitress, but she’s going to school to be a microbiologist.
Beverley: Howard, keep in mind that the more passionately you stick to this construct, the more you’re hurting your partner.
Howard (to Raj who has whispered to him): Do you really think your lips in my ear is helping?
Penny (arriving): Hi. Sorry I’m late.
Leonard: Oh, glad you’re here, uh, sit down, I’ll get you a plate. Mom, you remember Penny.
Beverley: Oh, yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher’s mitt for Christmas, so I’m going to say no.
Howard: If it helps, we’re all good with your breasts.
Beverley: Classic overcompensation. Oh, speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me, I’m divorcing yours.
Leonard: What?
Beverley: Yes. He was cheating on me.
Leonard: No!
Beverley: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress? Oh, no offense, dear.
Penny: No, it sounded like a compliment.
Leonard: When did this happen?
Beverley: Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father?
Sheldon: September 22nd.
Beverley: Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.
Leonard: Mitzy’s d*ad?
Sheldon: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?
Leonard: I don’t believe this. Why am I the last to know?
Beverley: Excuse me, Leonard, I am the one who’s getting a divorce, Mitzy is the one who is d*ad. Why are you the one making a fuss?
Leonard: You’re right. I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m sorry, I’m way out of line!
Beverley: So, Penny, what’s new in your life?
Penny: Nothing. Not a damn thing.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Beverley: Thank you for driving me back to my hotel.
Penny: Oh, it’s not a problem.
Beverley: I was going to ask Leonard to do it, but he seemed a bit emotionally unstable and you don’t want someone like that operating heavy machinery.
Penny: No, you do not.
Beverley: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So, uh, you must be devastated about your divorce.
Beverley: Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed to be in a vehicle that’s not subjected to regular maintenance.
Penny: Come on, I mean, you’re not upset that your marriage is over?
Beverley: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that’s the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Penny: Sure, sure.
Beverley: Thankfully, my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven’t had intercourse with him in eight years.
Penny: Eight years?
Beverley: Oh, that’s nothing. I’ve been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes. What’s so funny?
Beverley: That’s exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes.
Penny: You know what? I could use a drink. Do you want to stop for a drink?
Beverley: Oh, I don’t drink.
Penny: I do, I’ll teach you.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.
Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.
Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.
Leonard: I want that too. Why are you here?
Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.
Leonard: Thank you, that’s very comforting.
Sheldon: That’s not the comforting part.
Leonard: It’s not?
Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.
Leonard: You’re right, I do feel better.
Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.
Leonard: You’re my surrogate family?
Sheldon: If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about it either. Good night.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: Okay, now this time try drinking it all at once.
Beverley: Yikes.
Penny: I’ve been responsible for my own buzz since 2003. Another round for me and my homegirl.
Beverley: I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities.
Penny: As long as you don’t feel it running down your pants, you’re fine.
Beverley: Oh, that is fascinating. I’m noticing an immediate lowering of my inhibitions. For example, I’m seriously considering asking that busboy to ravish me in the alleyway while I eat cheesecake. What do you think?
Penny: Well, we are known for our cheesecake. h*t us again.
Beverley: Yes. If a little is good, more must be better.
Penny: Hey, Bev, guess what?
Beverley: What?
Penny: I’m sleeping with your son.
Beverley: Really? Which one?
Penny: The one from whom I live across the hall from.
Beverley: Well, that’s convenient. How did his penis turn out?
Penny: Oh, Beverly, I can’t talk to my boyfriend’s mother about his penis.
Beverley: Oh, fair enough. What can you tell me, if anything, about that busboy’s penis?
Penny: Actually, I’ve only had the cheesecake. One more time. You know, Leonard did not want to tell you we were dating.
Beverley: Really? Well, that means he’s either embarrassed about the relationship or he doesn’t care enough about his mother to tell her he’s in one. Either way, one of us should be insulted.
Penny: Well, let’s go find out who.
Beverley: You go get a taxi. I’m gonna slip my business card into that busboy’s back pocket, cupping his firm, right buttock as I do so.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Leonard?
Beverley: Sonny boy!
Penny: Get out here! Your mommy wants to talk to you!
Leonard: What the hell is going on?
Penny: You’re in trouble.
Beverley: Why didn’t you tell me you were tapping my homegirl? Did I say that right?
Penny: Yeah, not bad, not bad.
Leonard: Are you guys drunk?
Beverley: Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco? Now, how could you not tell me you were in a relationship with this lovely, charming young woman?
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Beverley: You’re welcome. Is it because she’s uneducated, trapped in a menial service position?
Penny: What the hell happened to lovely and charming?
Leonard: How come you didn’t tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce? How come you didn’t tell me you had surgery? How come you didn’t tell me my dog died?
Beverley: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship.
Leonard: I do.
Beverley (gives him an uncomfortable hug): There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
Penny: That’s the Del Taco.
Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
Beverley: Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I’d rather have the busboy.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Beverley: Thank you for taking me to the airport.
Sheldon: You’re very welcome.
Leonard: Once again, I’m driving. I’m right here.
Beverley: Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night.
Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.
Beverley: Thank you.
Sheldon: I blame Penny.
Penny: I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny.
Leonard: Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?
Beverley: I think it’s best that you not know.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Penny: Agreed.
Leonard: What the hell, agreed.
Beverley: And I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
Penny: Oh, thank you, Beverly.
Beverley: You’re welcome. She doesn’t have much in the way of career prospects, don’t make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
Leonard: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don’t communicate with me enough?
Beverley: Yes, dear.
Leonard: I’m over it.
Penny (finishing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x11 - The Maternal Congruence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look at us. Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they’re our girlfriends.
Howard: Yes, actual women are the best.
Sheldon: I don’t understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard: No, it would just freak him out. Listen, before we leave, I should warn you, I’m a passionate man and I tend towards public displays of affection.
Leonard: What are you trying to tell me, Howard?
Howard: There might be some making out in the car or the restaurant, and I don’t want Bernadette to feel uncomfortable, so it would help if you and Penny made out, too.
Leonard: Don’t worry. We’re planning to have sex right on the salad bar.
Raj (arriving): Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard: Got it.
Howard: Seen it.
Sheldon: Detailed analysis posted online.
Raj: Well, then what are we going to do tonight?
Leonard: Uh, sorry, Raj. Howard and I are going out to dinner with Penny and Bernadette.
Howard: Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled.
Leonard: How did we get actual women?
Raj: Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us?
Sheldon: It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.
Raj: We do?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
Raj: I don’t want to do that.
Sheldon: All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
Raj: What about me?
Sheldon: Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A little later.
Raj: Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.
Raj: Race riots?
Sheldon: The zoot suit riots.
Raj: Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around?
Sheldon: I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?
Raj: No. We would just walk around and see what’s what.
Sheldon: That’s a semantically null sentence.
Raj: Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.
Sheldon: Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good.
Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?
Raj: I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.
Sheldon: Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.
Raj: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.
Raj: I don’t want to go to Flatland.
Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.
Raj: Oy.
Sheldon: Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.
Raj: Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone.
Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Tell her you’re a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: I hope you’re hungry, Bernadette, we’re going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, I’m starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab, watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard: Flesh-eating bacteria. And yet, I still want to kiss this woman, what does that tell you?
Penny: That you’d be willing to die a horrible death on the off-chance you’d get to second base?
Bernadette: Oh, we’re way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard: Well, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
Bernadette: How’s your work going, Penny? Any acting jobs?
Penny: Well, the last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
Leonard: Great. How come?
Penny: Well, promise you won’t make fun of me.
Leonard: Of course, I would never make fun of you.
Penny: Okay. Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair, I’m going to get a national commercial.
Leonard (laughing): Seriously? You’re getting career advice from a psychic?
Howard: Good job not making fun of her.
Penny: She’s not one of those phonies, okay. She wrote a book and has her own Web site.
Leonard: Oh, gee, why didn’t you say so? They don’t let just anyone have a Web site.
Penny: Why are you being such a jerk?
Leonard: You’re surprised? Your psychic didn’t tell you I was going to be a jerk?
Penny: Ha-ha, bite me.
Leonard: Come on, Penny.
Howard: Why don’t you kids go ahead and chat? We’re gonna make out back here.
Bernadette: I’m sliding into third.
Scene: The university mixer.
Raj: Thanks for coming with me.
Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?
Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?
Raj: Come on, let’s get a drink.
Sheldon: I don’t drink.
Raj: Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.
Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.
Raj: Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream.
Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.
Raj: He’ll have a Shirley Temple.
Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.
Raj: Okay, let’s check out the females.
Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.
Raj: That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old.
Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?
Raj: No. I’m looking for a hookup.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?
Raj: Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks.
Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Okay. What is your game?
Sheldon: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
Girl: Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it?
Sheldon: It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Girl: You’re very funny. I’m Abby.
Sheldon: I’m Sheldon. How do you do?
Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Abby: Hi, Raj. Where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious subcontinent of India.
Abby: Ooh, India.
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well, I’m a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods)
Abby: Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha.
Martha: Hi.
Raj: Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.
Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
Sheldon: Thank you. Have you chosen one to copulate with?
Scene: A restaurant.
Bernadette: So, what should we talk about?
Howard: Well, we could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots. Leonard?
Penny: Oh, we don’t need to talk about that anymore. Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
Leonard: I’m sorry, but facts are facts.
Penny: Right, and if you can’t understand it, it’s not a fact.
Leonard: No, if it’s not a fact, it’s not a fact.
Penny: Oh, got it. Thank you for educating me.
Leonard: You’re welcome. How’s your fish?
Penny: Amazing. Would you like to try some?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Penny: Well, the fact is, you can’t.
Leonard: Come on, Howard, Bernadette, you’re both scientists. Help me out here.
Howard: What do you think? Want to jump right into the middle of another couple’s argument?
Bernadette: No, thank you.
Howard: Sorry.
Leonard: Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
Penny: Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
Waiter: How is everything tonight?
Bernadette: Really uncomfortable.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with… (she shuts the door in his face) Want your fish? (Opens door, takes fish, closes it again) I knew you were going to do that. Doesn’t make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse. (Opens his own apartment door to find Sheldon, Raj and the two girls playing Rock Band and performing American Woman)
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: We scored. I’m the wingman.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Howard: Hey.
Leonard (handing him protective glasses): Laser.
Howard: Had a great night last night. I don’t like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt. How’d things go with Penny?
Leonard: Oh, couldn’t be better.
Howard: Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard: It’s not just Cylons. Superman’s next.
Howard: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don’t have a high-powered w*apon.
Leonard: How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard: Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn’t bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
Leonard: What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don’t whenever I’m with Penny?
Howard: Hey, I’m sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she’s with you.
Leonard: Do me a favour, lean over, put your head right here.
Howard: Let me show you another way to look at this. Here we have the universe of all women. These are the ones you want to sleep with. These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. And right there in the
little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she’s a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
Leonard: What’s your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can’t do that, Howard.
Howard: I respect that. (Takes Leonard’s hand, draws a dot on it.)
Leonard: What is that?
Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is learning Finnish.
Sheldon: The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis n.
Raj: What was that?
Sheldon: It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.
Raj: जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say?
Sheldon: I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.
Raj: I don’t get it. You had a great time.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.
Raj: Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha.
Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, thr*at you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
Raj: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.
Raj: So does that mean we can go with the girls again?
Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!
Raj: You can’t wear the hands on the date.
Sheldon: Hulk sad.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Hey. Cleaning out the old dryer lint, huh? Not only is it courteous, it’s safety smart. Every year, 15,000 fires are caused by accidental dryer lint ignition. Now you’re supposed to say, wow, what an interesting fact. Come here, you crazy, nerdy guy. I could never be mad at you.
Penny: Wow, that’s all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
Leonard: No, I’m sorry. I really am. It’s not right to mock what a person believes in.
Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it’s all about?
Leonard: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
Penny: I would not.
Leonard: Okay, let’s go see your psychic.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Well, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
Penny: You saying I don’t have an open mind?
Leonard: No, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don’t work.
Leonard: Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, voodoo’s real. You don’t want to mess with voodoo.
Scene: The apartment.
Martha: Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.
Sheldon: You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.
Martha: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Time for bed.
Martha: Okay.
Sheldon: Good night, puny human! (He gets up and leaves).
Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.
Martha: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Martha: Listen, they’re kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose. Come in. I’ll sleep in Leonard’s room. Good night. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x12 - The Psychic Vortex"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A Chinese restaurant.
Howard: Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know? Just the guys.
Raj: Oh, God! Yes, we get it. You have a girlfriend now.
Howard: A little jealous, are we?
Raj: No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d k*ll a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order?
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.
Leonard: So what? It’s the same food.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.
Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
Sheldon: So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It’s obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, no, no, no, I think it just means it’s the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.
Leonard: You know what? Let’s just get a pizza.
Sheldon: Good idea. We’ll go to Corleone’s.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard: And why is that?
Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?
Leonard (noticing their door has been broken open): What the…?
Sheldon: The TV is gone.
Leonard: So are our laptops.
Sheldon: Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard: We like games.
Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.
Policeman: Assorted video games.
Sheldon: When does the CSI team get here?
Policeman: What?
Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.
Leonard: What about me?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.
Leonard: Would I be completely out of line to ask you to sh**t him?
Policeman: I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Policeman: We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?
Policeman: Do you have any more information that might be relevant?
Sheldon: Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.
Leonard: How is that going to help them?
Sheldon: Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.
Policeman: Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.
Leonard: What are we supposed to do now?
Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.
Leonard: Does that mean you’ve ruled me out as a suspect?
Sheldon: Oh, how I wish I could.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is restless. He gets up and checks the door is locked. He then moves his chest of drawers in front of the door. Goes back to bed.
Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder. Drat.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I can’t believe it. If I hadn’t been working the dinner shift, I would’ve run
right into the robbers.
Leonard: Hey, there’s no reason for you to be scared.
Penny: I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Leonard: Hand me the bat.
Sheldon: We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?
Penny: It won’t happen again, what’s up?
Sheldon: Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.
Leonard: We’re fine, Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right, then. Good night.
Penny: Good night. That was weird, even for him.
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Penny: Who is it?
Sheldon: Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: I see you’re drinking wine.
Leonard: Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed.
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Penny: Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.
Leonard: But you don’t like other people.
Sheldon: I do tonight. It’s scary over there.
Leonard: It’s getting scary here, too.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is drawing picture clues on his whiteboard.
Penny: Um… three little kittens? Three little pigs? God, I don’t know. Star Wars?
Leonard: Did we win? Can we go to bed?
Sheldon: Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that?
Leonard: He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you’re feeling insecure, but we’ve really got to go to sleep.
Sheldon: All right. I’ll take the first watch and wake you at 0400.
Leonard: Great. Good night.
Penny: Wait, wait, what’s 0400?
Leonard: 4am.
Penny: That’s, like, in 45 minutes.
Leonard: Just keep walking. (Sheldon checks door then puts TV on his phone)
Woman on TV: It’s quiet out there.
Man on TV: Maybe a little too quiet.
Woman on TV: Where are you going?
Man on TV: Just gonna take a look around outside.
Sheldon: Bad idea.
Woman on TV: No, Jim, don’t open the door!
Sheldon: Listen to her, Jim.
Man on TV: Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny!
Leonard: Who is it?
Scene: Outside the apartment.
Howard: All right, we’ve got a titanium d*ad bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.
Sheldon: What if they cut the power?
Raj: There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply.
Sheldon: What if someone steals my keys?
Raj: There are independent voice and fingerprint scanners.
Sheldon: What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?
Leonard: I’ll send them a basket of muffins.
Howard: Now, inside, we’ve got motion detectors, infrared sensors, and cameras connected to a server running state-of-the-art facial recognition software.
Leonard: Where did you get all this stuff?
Howard: I got a buddy over at the Department of Defence.
Leonard: He just gave it to you?
Howard: I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good.
Penny (entering): Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?
Leonard: Sorry, let me help you.
Sheldon: Wonderful security system if we’re att*cked by a school of tuna.
Howard: Don’t worry, the net’s going to be electrified. Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.
Sheldon: Better.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Sheldon’s journal. Security system in place. However, sleep continues to elude me. I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses, and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice, I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks, probably playing Donkey Kong on my classic Nintendo. (Hears a noise. Goes to check, then panics and climbs out window onto ledge.) Oh, dear. I am the master of my own bladder. (Crawls along to Leonard’s window, where Leonard and Penny are inside being intimate. Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Penny: Oh, my…
Leonard: God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there?
Sheldon: I heard a noise.
Leonard: It was us. We knocked over a lamp.
Sheldon: Why would you knock over a lamp?
Leonard: We were going to have…
Penny: He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)
Leonard: What are you doing? Use the door.
Sheldon: Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.
Leonard: Great, you do that.
Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?
Leonard: I’m lactose intolerant.
Sheldon: And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?
Penny: No, thanks.
Sheldon: Fine. Good night to you, sir. Miss.
Leonard: Sorry about that.
Penny: Ugh, what can you do? Here. (From outside there is the sound of the net falling and computer voice saying “Intruder alert.” Then Sheldon screaming. They run out to find Sheldon convulsing under the net.)
Leonard: Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.
Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.
Leonard: Don’t you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction?
Sheldon: Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to k*ll me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?
Sheldon: Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid.
Penny: Is he quitting his job at the university?
Leonard: Oh, no, he’s going to telecommute. Everybody’s really excited about it.
Sheldon: All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct?
Penny: Born and raised. (Sheldon crosses Nebraska off his map)
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is packing.
Sheldon: It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.
Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin?
Sheldon: I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.
Howard: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon: I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.
Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon: They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you.
Sheldon: Please, Penny, as you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video.
Sheldon on laptop screen: Greetings. As you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.
Penny: Sheldon, that’s so… (Turns to find he has gone.)
Sheldon (entering again): You might want to lock the door behind me. This isn’t Bozeman.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?
Scene: Bozeman, Montana bus depot.
Sheldon: That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!
Man: Help you with your bags, sir?
Sheldon: Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Howard: Hey, look who’s back!
Sheldon: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x13 - The Bozeman Reaction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is stood in the middle of the room. His whiteboard is behind him. Every few moments he turns round suddently.
Penny: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon: I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night?
Sheldon: Is it morning?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I’ve been up all night.
Penny: And you’re stuck?
Sheldon: Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?
Penny: Oh, sorry, sweetie, I can’t help you till I’ve had my coffee.
Leonard: Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.
Penny: What is he doing now?
Leonard: Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon: Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard: Aye, aye, Captain.
Sheldon: I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.
Leonard: Maybe you need a fresh start.
Sheldon: You’re right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It’s a great idea, Leonard. Thank you.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Electrons move through graphene, act as if they have no mass…
Howard: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard: Intellectually about 30 hours. Emotionally about 29 years.
Sheldon: Unit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.
Howard: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard: No, I think it’s a firmware problem.
Raj (arriving): Hey, it’s Disco Night at the Moonlight Roller Rink in Glendale tonight. Who’s up for getting down?
Howard: Oh, that’s perfect. Bernadette’s been hocking me to take her roller skating.
Leonard: I think Penny likes to skate. The four of us could double.
Howard: What could be better? We’re in.
Raj: Great. It’s not like I brought it up because I wanted to go.
Howard: You can come with us.
Raj: No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com.
Sheldon: Structure, constant structure. One atom…
Howard: Boy, he’s really gone, isn’t he?
Leonard: Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.
Howard: I thought I smelled popcorn.
Sheldon: Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal…
Leonard: I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.
Raj (as Sheldon reaches out and grabs from his plate): Hey, those are my lima beans!
Sheldon: Not lima beans, carbon atoms.
Raj: But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.
Leonard: Here, you want my peas?
Sheldon: Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.
Howard: Want my corn?
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. What would I do with corn?
Leonard: So roller skating, should we all grab a bite to eat first?
Howard: Good. P.F. Chang’s? My mom has coupons.
Leonard: Great. Your mom’s not coming, right?
Howard: Not this time, I promise.
Raj: Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I’m very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.
Sheldon: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.
Raj: Screw you. Give me back my lima beans.
Scene: The stairwell.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, have you ever been so embarrassed?
Penny: Not recently.
Bernadette: I don’t know which was lamer, their roller-skating or their disco dancing.
Penny: For me, the worst part was when people saw us leave with them.
Leonard: You had some nice moves out there, Howard.
Howard: Thanks. You, too.
Leonard: Yeah. Did you notice all the people looking at us?
Howard: Not really. I was in my boogie zone.
Bernadette: When Howard tried to do the splits…
Penny: Shh.
Leonard: Sorry. I’m moving a little slow. I think I bruised my coccyx.
Penny: Oh, poor baby.
Leonard: Don’t tell Koothrappali. After you.
Penny: Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)
Leonard: Oh, my God! Are you… (falls as well)
Sheldon: Good Lord! You’re ruining everything!
Penny: Oh, damn.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Do I look okay?
Leonard: Don’t bark at me. I fell, too.
Penny: Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.
Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.
Penny: Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that’s a crazy thing.
Bernadette: Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to…?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed.
Sheldon: But I don’t want to go to bed.
Bernadette: I’m going to count to three. One…
Sheldon: Oh, all right.
Leonard: That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal day care centre in our basement.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Penny: Leonard, you’re… you’re giggling in your sleep.
Leonard: It’s not me, it’s my new ringtone. The Joker from Batman.
Penny: Well, it creeps me out.
Leonard: Me, too, but I paid three bucks for it.
Penny: Just answer the phone.
Leonard: Hello. Yeah, I’m Leonard Hofstadter. Yeah, yeah, he’s my roommate. Oh, God, is he okay? Yeah, alright, alright, I’ll be right there.
Penny: What happened?
Leonard: Sheldon’s escaped and is terrorizing the village.
Penny: Okay. Have fun.
Scene: A children’s play area.
Leonard: Hi. I’m Dr. Hofstadter. Where is he?
Security Guard: Ball pit.
Leonard: Thanks for not calling the cops.
Security Guard: Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.
Leonard: Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing?
Sheldon: Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.
Leonard: Sure, sure. How did you get into this place?
Sheldon: Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
Leonard: No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now.
Sheldon: But I’m still working.
Leonard: If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out.
Sheldon: You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)
Leonard: For God’s sakes. Sheldon, come here!
Sheldon (popping his head up): Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over their bed. He knocks on the wall.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Leonard (Waking up as Penny screams): What! What, what, what?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I have good news.
Leonard: And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?
Sheldon: Your cell phone was off.
Leonard: Because we didn’t want to be disturbed.
Sheldon: And that didn’t work out, did it?
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.
Leonard: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
Sheldon: No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.
Penny: Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Penny (as Sheldon sits on the bed): Oh.
Sheldon: Einstein.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m going to need a little more.
Sheldon: Albert Einstein.
Leonard: Keep going.
Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.
Leonard: So, you’re going to go work at the patent office?
Sheldon: Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.
Leonard: Sounds like a great plan.
Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.
Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.
Penny: Leonard doesn’t snore.
Sheldon: No, I wasn’t talking to Leonard.
Leonard: Told you.
Scene: An employment office
Employment Office Assistant: So, Mr. Cooper, you’re looking for a job.
Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.
Assistant: Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?
Sheldon: I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?
Assistant: No.
Sheldon: Shouldn’t you check your database?
Assistant (clicks her keyboard a few times): No.
Sheldon: You didn’t really type.
Assistant: I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction?
Sheldon: Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.
Assistant: No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.
Sheldon: I could do that.
Assistant: Good.
Sheldon: One question.
Assistant: Yes?
Sheldon: What’s sheetrock?
Assistant: Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist?
Sheldon: That seems acceptable.
Assistant: Do you have your own car?
Sheldon: I don’t drive.
Assistant: Of course you don’t. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?
Sheldon: Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman’s terms, string theory.
Assistant: I see. Just give me a second. Security!
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Okay, I’ll get those drinks started for you.
Sheldon (appearing in an apron and carrying a tray): Behind you.
Penny: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.
Penny: No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here?
Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.
Penny: You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?
Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.
Penny: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.
Bernadette: Thanks, Sheldon.
Penny: Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy.
Sheldon: You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.
Scene: The same, later.
Sheldon: All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.
Leonard: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Double guacamole?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: No cilantro?
Sheldon: Nope.
Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon: Yep.
Leonard: You understand why I’m doing this to you?
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: That’ll be all. That was fun.
Raj: How long can he keep this up?
Leonard: I heard about this professor at MIT who melted down, bought a van, and spent the rest of his life as a mobile dog groomer.
Raj: He never went back to the university?
Leonard: Only to shampoo Professor Chambourg’s shih tzu.
Raj: Sheesh.
Howard: I bet if we all chipped in, we could buy Sheldon a van.
Raj: But he’s afraid of dogs.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s the only thing wrong with that plan.
Penny: Hey, guys, sorry you had to wait, but we are swamped. What’s this?
Leonard: Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn’t work here.
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn’t either.
Sheldon (drops tray. A nearby table claps): Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.
Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren’t you going to clean this up?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t work here.
Scene: The roller disco.
Howard: Happy now?
Raj: I’m on a cloud. Swing me. (Howard swings Raj several times.)
Scene: The ball pit, presumably earlier.
Leonard: Sheldon, come here.
(Sheldon once again keeps popping up his head and shouting “Bazinga” as Leonard flails around trying to catch him.) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x14 - The Einstein Approximation"} | foreverdreaming |
: The university cafeteria.
Howard (on the phone): Yeah, I miss you, too, sweetie. Listen, I got to go, but I’ll see you tonight? Okay. Bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye. No, you hang up first. Hello?
Raj: Dude, I’m glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don’t?
Sheldon: Actually, he might have to. There’s an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it’s not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener.
Howard: That’s not true. My happiness is not dependent on my best friend being miserable and alone.
Raj: Thank you.
Howard: Although, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of a perk.
Leonard: Who’s miserable and alone?
Raj: Me.
Leonard: Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend.
Sheldon: In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener.
Leonard: Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?
Howard: Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There’s a $39.95 lover’s special at P.F. Chang’s. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front.
Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal to witness a brutal m*rder?
Howard: I understand your point, but given a choice, Jews always go with Chinese food.
Raj: Well, if anyone’s interested, I’ll be spending this Valentine’s Day the same way I spend every Valentine’s Day. Buying a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket, taking it home, standing over the sink and eating it out of the package with my bare hands like an animal.
Leonard: Okay, so to sum up: one giant marble horse, one asinine comment, one lonely man and his chicken. And let’s see, who’s left? Oh, that’s right. My plans. Isn’t anyone going to ask?
Raj: Fine, tell us you’re going to have sex with Penny.
Leonard: That’s not what I was going to tell you.
Raj: It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.
Leonard: Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14?
Sheldon: Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn’t published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize.
Leonard: Actually, Professor Norton can’t make it. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing on his new girlfriend.
Raj: The big-boobed weather girl on Channel 2?
Howard: That’s the one.
Leonard: In any case, they’re asking me to fill in for him.
Sheldon: In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl?
Leonard: Switzerland. And I get to bring a guest!
Howard: Oh, man!
Raj: No way, dude!
Sheldon: This is incredible! I’m so happy, I’m not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I’m just going to run home and start packing.
Raj: Why wouldn’t you take Penny?
Leonard: I am taking Penny.
Raj: Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, you got a minute?
Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?
Leonard: Penny.
Sheldon: What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.
Leonard: Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring f*re in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps.
Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I’ve been dreaming about spending Valentine’s Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon: Shame on you! That’s no dream for a scientist!
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, what’s the big surprise?
Leonard: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let’s see. We’ve got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue. My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I’m going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?
Leonard: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this Swiss cheese with my Swiss army Kn*fe, and then you can wash it down with a cup of Swiss Miss instant cocoa.
Penny: Okay, I’m starting to think Swiss is key here.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Penny: We’re going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn?
Leonard: How does that involve air travel?
Penny: We’re going to Disney World and ride the Matterhorn?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, this started out fun, but I’m over it.
Leonard: We’re going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider! And ski. We’ll also go skiing.
Penny: We’re going skiing in Switzerland?!
Leonard: Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.
Penny: Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible!
Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.
Penny: My Rabe-what-ly?
Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.
Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny.
Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this?
Leonard: Not the roommate agreement.
Sheldon: Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him.
Leonard: Oh, for God’s sakes.
Penny: You actually put that in an agreement?
Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon: He can’t k*ll me, even if I turn.
Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched.
Leonard: Sheldon, do you really expect to enforce this?
Sheldon: I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.
Penny: Okay, I know I shouldn’t ask, but what is…?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon (after demonstrating): I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice.
Leonard: Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not k*ll you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Is that your final decision?
Leonard: It is.
Sheldon: Very well.
Penny: It’s not over, is it?
Leonard: What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon’s bedroom.)
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games.
Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me?
Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: I’m sorry I couldn’t hang with you last night. I had a date with Bernadette.
Raj: I know. I saw the Tweet.
Howard: So, what did you end up doing?
Raj: Not much. Nuked a burrito. Prayed to the Hindu god Urvashi that your bowels would loosen and your penis would droop like a willow tree.
Leonard: You seen Sheldon?
Raj: No. Is he still mad about the supercollider?
Leonard: Yeah. He thinks I betrayed him. I mean, come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard: I’d take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard: Seriously?
Howard: Absolutely. And I’d leave him there. (Sheldon enters, puts a tray in front of Leonard, and exits.)
Raj: What the hell is that?
Leonard: Uh, let’s see. Yup, 30 pieces of silverware.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: Morning, old chum.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.
Leonard: You made Frodo pancakes?
Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.
Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Sheldon: It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?
Leonard: Thanks. It’s good.
Sheldon: What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.
Leonard: You hate Babylon 5.
Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.
Leonard: Okay, great. Still not taking you to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon: Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.
Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.
Sheldon: Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room.
Penny: Better acoustics for your throat singing?
Sheldon (trying it): It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.
Penny: Oh, for God’s sakes.
Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.
Penny: I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up?
Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.
Penny: Okay, show’s over.
Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.
Penny: Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go.
Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.
Penny: I’ll talk to Leonard.
Sheldon: You will?
Penny: Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go.
Sheldon (Hugging her): Oh, Penny, thank you!
Penny: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.
Penny: I think we’re there.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Bye-bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know what? Even though I don’t have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine’s Day.
Howard: Trust me, you can’t. I’ve tried.
Raj: No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.
Leonard: Sheldon, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?
Leonard: Some what?
Sheldon: Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.
Leonard: You’re not going to Switzerland!
Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?
Leonard: She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her.
Sheldon: Yes, that good news.
Leonard: Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you!
Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.
Leonard: I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over!
Sheldon: That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?
Leonard: Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah, really.
Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.
Leonard: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sheldon: I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.
Leonard: Why don’t you enlighten me?
Sheldon: With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates’ house should I be invited.
Howard: Ooh, that’s gotta sting.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: Just think, this time tomorrow we’ll be in Geneva, Switzerland for our first Valentine’s Day.
Penny: I know! I went shopping today and bought special undies for the occasion.
Leonard: Thermal? ‘Cause it’s gonna be cold.
Penny: Think it through, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh!
Penny: Oh!
Leonard (Penny sneezes): Gesundheit. Or as they say in Switzerland, gesundheit. You getting a cold?
Penny: No, no, it’s probably just allergies.
Leonard: Do you want an allergy pill? ‘Cause I have ‘em all. Prescription, nonprescription, foreign, domestic, experimental.
Penny: Do any of them work?
Leonard: Not really, I’m just an enthusiast.
(Time passes. Sound of Penny retching in the bathroom)
Leonard: Penny? You okay?
Penny: Did that sound okay to you? Do not come in here!
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: I’m having a tea party. What do you think’s going on? I think I might have the flu. Or the plague.
Leonard: Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Do you think you’ll feel better by then?
Penny: Yep. ‘Cause I’m gonna be d*ad.
Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she’s not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you’re still interested, you’re welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom)
Sheldon: Great. I’ll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it’s the cholermus.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Here’s your soup.
Sheldon: Chicken?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: With the little stars?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees?
Penny: Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me.
Sheldon: You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.
Penny: Yeah, well, I’m sick, too.
Sheldon: Not my problem. I just don’t understand how this happened to me. I’m scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
Penny: I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon.
Sheldon (remembering the hug): It’s you! I touched you!
Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Scene: A Swiss hotel room.
Raj: Oh, my goodness, look at this room! Champagne! Roses! Oh, and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.
Leonard: Yeah, I forgot about all this.
Raj: But I never will. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x15 - The Large Hadron Collision"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The comic book store. Raj enters carrying an iPod with a speaker on his tee shirt. As he enters the shop he starts the iPod and the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars emerges from the speaker.
Leonard: Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj: What? I’m giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I’m awesome and to be feared.
Howard: Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples.
Leonard: Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?
Stuart: Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.
Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.
Stuart: No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?
Leonard: Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease.
Sheldon: Well, look who thinks he’s Stuart’s uncle now.
Raj: Can’t believe it. We’re going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.)
Howard: I’m sad to say I taught him those moves.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)
Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.
Howard: That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj: That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon: What is it about the word unique you don’t understand?
Howard: Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision.
Sheldon: There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer.
Howard: Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?
Leonard: He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.
Sheldon: Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine.
Penny: Hi!
Leonard: Hey. Guess who’s going to be at the comic bookstore on Thursday?
Penny: Um, can you give me a hint?
Leonard: Stan Lee.
Penny: Um, Stanley, Stanley, Stanley Tucci?
Leonard: No, no, Stan Lee.
Penny: Oh, oh, Stan Lee! Cool!
Leonard: You have no idea who he is, do you?
Penny: Of course I do. You’re an important part of my life and I pay attention to the things you are interested in.
Leonard: Good, good, so, who’s Stan Lee?
Penny: Um, he was on Star Trek.
Leonard: Nope.
Penny: Star Wars?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much?
Leonard: That’s Bruce Lee.
Penny: Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?
Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
Howard: You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court.
Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.
Penny: I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that?
Sheldon: It bothers me.
Howard: Sheldon, this is a summons.
Sheldon: A summons for what?
Howard: Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.
Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.
Penny: No, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Yes, it is.
Penny: No, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.
Penny: Mmm, no, it isn’t.
Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?
Penny: Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?
Sheldon: So you betrayed me?
Penny: No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.
Sheldon: But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.
Penny: Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.
Leonard: It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.
Howard: You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.
Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.
Sheldon: You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.
Howard: Okay, he’s going to jail.
Leonard (after Raj whispers to him): Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day.
Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.
Leonard: Whoa! What do you mean all?
Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. No.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?
Leonard: That’s what I’m saying.
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.
Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.
Penny: Oh, balls.
Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny (opening door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Sheldon: That’s just wrong.
Penny: All right, let’s go.
Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.
Penny: What is this?
Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?
Penny: Do I have a choice?
Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?
Penny (reading): Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.
Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.
Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.
Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?
Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.
Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.
Penny: But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?
Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.
Penny (pretending to be close to tears): But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally.
Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.
Scene: The courtroom.
Judge: Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means. I went to law school.
Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.
Judge: The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.
Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.
Judge: Impressive.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier.
Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.
Judge: No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you.
Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.
Judge: Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.
Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.
Scene: A police cell. Three people sit on a bench inside. Sheldon points at the one on the end.
Sheldon: That’s my spot.
Scene: A queue outside the comic book store.
Raj: I can’t wait to ask Stan Lee why he insists on giving all his characters first and last names that start with the same letter.
Leonard: Oh, come on, why would you do that?
Raj: Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer, Peter Parker, oh, and worst of all, J. Jonah Jameson, Jr.
Howard: Okay, I’m cutting. I’m not gonna talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off.
Leonard (phone rings.): Hey.
Penny: Sheldon’s in jail.
Leonard: Sheldon’s in jail?
Raj: You called it.
Leonard: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge. He has to stay in there until he apologizes.
Leonard: So tell him to apologize.
Penny: Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard. That didn’t occur to me. If he doesn’t apologize by 5 o’clock he is going to spend the night in jail.
Leonard: Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.
Scene: The police cell.
Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?
Guard: What?
Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.
Guard: Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell)
Sheldon: That’s the toilet?
Guard: Well, it ain’t a wishing well.
Sheldon: Please tell the judge I’m ready to apologize.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look at that. To my friend, Leonard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Howard: Awesome. Mine says, To my friend, Howard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Raj: Mine says, To Raj, from Stan Lee.
Howard: That’s ’cause you pissed him off about his character names.
Raj: Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.
Penny: We’re home.
Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go?
Sheldon: You know very well how it went.
Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.
Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.
Penny: I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.
Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.
Howard: Plus, you didn’t get to meet Stan Lee.
Leonard: Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.
Howard: You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.
Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee?
Howard: He said we could call him Stan.
Leonard: Except for Raj.
Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.
Penny: Okay, I realize that…
Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, maybe you’ll have another chance to have…
Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!
Penny: Did he just somehow give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger. The moving finger.
Scene: The comic book store.
Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi.
Penny: What’s going on?
Stuart: Nothing. I’m just getting ready to close up and head out.
Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn’t even show up.
Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I was hoping, um, you could do me a favour.
Stuart: Sure, yeah, name it.
Penny: Well, I’m kind of responsible for Sheldon missing Stan Lee, and I really want to make it up to him. So I was hoping you could give me his phone number so maybe I can arrange for them to meet.
Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have his phone number.
Penny: Hmm. Damn. All right. Thank you.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait. I have his address.
Penny: Really? Great!
Stuart: But I can’t give it to you.
Penny: Then why did you tell me you had it?
Stuart: I don’t know. Just chatting. You’re looking at a guy who could very well get stood up by a stray cat tonight.
Penny: I’m sorry, Stuart. Thanks anyway.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. Wait.
Penny: Yeah?
Stuart: Maybe we can make a deal.
Penny: What kind of deal?
Stuart: I will give you the address if you go to my cousin’s wedding with me.
Penny: You’re extorting a date out of me?
Stuart: I kind of have to. The cousin who’s getting married is the cousin I usually go to weddings with.
Penny: Can I bring Leonard?
Stuart: Sure. What the hell.
Penny: Deal.
Stuart: We’ll tell people he’s your cousin.
Scene: Outside Stan Lee’s house.
Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I don’t know if we’re gonna have cookies, or he’s just gonna say hi, or really what’s gonna happen, so just let me talk, and we’ll…
Stan Lee (opening door): Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh, damn.
Penny: Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon.
Sheldon: We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we were invited.
Penny: Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: Well, I’m not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
Penny: I’m sorry. He doesn’t really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well, I’ll give him something he’ll understand. Joanie, call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Invincible Iron Man, Happy Hogan, Curt Connors…
Howard: Would you just let it go?
Raj: And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.
Leonard (as Sheldon enters): Hey, where’ve you been?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard: Sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x16 - The Excelsior Acquisition"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is carrying a large box.
Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?
Sheldon: Well, it’s very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I’m the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
Leonard: One more floor, and I’d be the pulled muscle.
Penny (who is inside the apartment): Oh, it’s about time, I’m starving.
Leonard: Uh, well, we didn’t actually get Chinese food.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Don’t panic, this is better.
Penny: Oh, no, you didn’t trade the food for magic beans, did you?
Sheldon: Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.
Penny: Yeah, sometimes I don’t listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down.
Leonard: We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.
Penny: Who’s Adam West?
Sheldon: Who’s Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Howard: My guess is, “Hey, four minutes! New record!” That’s why I’m the funny one.
Leonard: Anyway, we followed the guy to this garage sale, and they had the coolest stuff.
Howard: They were closing up. We got this whole box for sixty bucks.
Leonard: We didn’t even get to go through it all. There could be anything in here.
Penny: There a new girlfriend in there? ‘Cause you might need one.
Leonard: No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you’re right, it’s Ghostbusters 2. Never mind.
Howard: Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?
Penny: That is so sad.
Sheldon: No, what’s sad is that you don’t know Adam West was TV’s Batman.
Credits sequence
Scene: The same
Leonard: Here’s Spock’s head with no body. Here’s Mr. T’s body with no head. Oh, yeah, here’s Spock’s body with Mr. T’s head. I pity the fool who’s illogical.
Penny: Okay, I’m just gonna go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony.
Leonard: Okay, bye.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots.
Raj: And an Aquaman action figure.
Howard: Looks like someone drew a penis on him.
Raj: Huh? That’ll come off.
Howard: You see what you’re doing? Stop that.
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.
Leonard: Oh.
Raj: It’s even got the Elvish engraving on it.
Sheldon: It’s not Elvish. It’s the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to
rule them all.
Raj: One Ring to find them.
Howard: One Ring to bring them all.
Leonard: And in the darkness bind them.
Raj: Holy crap, are we nerdy.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Howard: So, I was doing some checking on the ring.
Raj: Hold on. Sheldon, is there ketchup on that table?
Sheldon: Yes, there is. Oh, here’s a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.
Raj: No, that’s okay. I’ll get it.
Howard: Listen, I was looking at the ring, and it seemed a little weird. No copyright notice on it. So, I took it down to this buddy of mine who deals with, shall we say, the seedy underbelly of the collectibles world.
Leonard: Seedy underbelly?
Howard: You know, your black market phasers, your screen-worn Lieutenant Uhura panties, that kind of stuff.
Raj: Who’s this mysterious buddy you suddenly have?
Howard: Just a guy. I know a guy.
Raj: Is it Eddie Crispo?
Howard: No, I can’t tell you who it is. Stop asking.
Raj: Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Crispo.
Howard: I know lots of dangerous people, okay?
Raj: Name one.
Howard: Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn’t a replica. It’s the real deal.
Sheldon: If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.
Leonard: He’s not saying it’s a magic ring. You’re not, are you?
Howard: No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring.
Sheldon (snatching it): Mine!
Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Leonard: How is this maritime salvage?
Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?
Raj: Wait, wait. Sheldon, stop being crazy for a second. How much is something like this worth?
Howard: Well, it’s tough to say since it’s hot, but on the underground market, my guy figures…
Raj: Your guy Eddie Crispo?
Howard: Yes. He figures ten, maybe 15 thousand.
Raj: Okay, that’s a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski.
Howard: Why do you want a jet ski?
Raj: All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can’t just be a coincidence.
Sheldon: We can’t sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.
Howard: It’s sad how great that sounds.
Leonard: Guys, it’s stolen. It should go back to Peter Jackson. He made the movies, it belongs to him.
Howard: Fine. He can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.
Raj: There are no Jewish hobbits.
Howard: Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.
Leonard: We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring?
Sheldon: You mean my ring?
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.
Leonard: Give me that.
Raj: Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.
Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.
Leonard: You always get your way.
Sheldon: I’ll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.
Penny: Hey, guys. Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food, but bringing you a box of random crap?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s delicious, the sarcasm’s a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it.
Penny: What ring?
Leonard: This ring.
Sheldon: Looking for something?
Leonard: Will you hold on to this for a couple of days?
Penny: Why?
Leonard: It’s a prop from a movie, and we’re kind of fighting over it.
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewellery my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie, and I don’t even get to keep it?
Howard: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now, you’d have my great Aunt Ida’s brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
Leonard: How am I looking now?
Scene: Penny and Leonard are asleep in Leonard’s bed. Sheldon creeps in and tries to take the ring from round Penny’s neck, but she turns over. He tries to make buzzing fly noises to get her to turn back, but she turns all the way the other way. He then uses an extender with a claw on the end to lif the ring from Penny’s chest. As he tries to remove it, she wakes up, screams, and punches him in the face.
Sheldon: Ow! You h*t me! I’m bleeding!
Leonard: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Leonard: That’s my girl.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So, Sheldon, how’s it feel to get beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon: It’s not the first time. I have a twin sister whose as*ault began in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I’d have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
Raj: Gentlemen, have you come to the realization that the only reasonable course of action is to sell the ring and divide the money?
Leonard: No.
Raj: I was afraid of that. (Opens his laptop to reveal an Indian looking man on a webcam.) Go ahead.
Man on Screen: Greetings from Mumbai. I am Raj’s attorney, Venkatesh Koothrappali.
Raj: Also my cousin.
Howard: You brought a lawyer?
Venkatesh: Don’t answer that. I’ll get straight to the point. My client’s prepared to surrender any interest he has in the ring in exchange for two Kawasaki Jet Skis.
Leonard: We’re not giving him two Jet Skis.
Venkatesh: Look, we’re big boys, why don’t we just cut to the chase and meet in the middle? One Kawasaki Jet Ski, done and done.
Leonard: No Jet Skis.
Venkatesh: All right, forget the Jet Skis.
Raj: Forget the Jet Skis? That was our line in the sand! What happened to “tear them a new one?”
Venkatesh: What can I say? They played hardball. We lost.
Raj: You’re useless.
Venkatesh: I told you that when you hired me.
Raj: I’m signing off now.
Venkatesh: Call your mother, she worries.
Howard: Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.
Leonard: You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring?
Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.
Leonard: Give me that.
Sheldon: No, it’s mine.
Raj: It’s all of ours. (They begin to struggle over the ring.)
Leonard: Okay, now, this is ridiculous!
Howard: Then let go!
Leonard: I’m not letting go, you let go.
Howard: I say this ring belongs to the last person who can hold on.
Leonard: Fine. But can’t we go home and start this?
Raj: Sure. Let go of the ring.
Leonard: All right, it starts now.
Howard: You do realize there’s a giant bug movie marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel. (They start to move away from the table while all still holding the ring.)
Raj: Wait, my laptop. (They go back for it.)
Scene: The stairwell. The guys are coming up the stairs, all still holding the ring.
Howard: You know, there’s a point when this becomes idiotic.
Leonard: And it wasn’t when we were driving like this?
Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
Leonard: You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
Raj: There are six seasons, dude.
Leonard: Oh, crap!
Raj: No, no, no, the sixth season is great. We go to Paris with Carrie and get our heart broken, and then Mr. Big shows up, we don’t know if we can trust him again. It’s a wild ride.
Leonard: Door. (Leonard tries to unlock the door and drops the keys.)
Raj: Okay, everybody, and plie. And relevae.
Penny: Whatcha doin’?
Leonard: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know, it sounds silly.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no, no, you are my boyfriend. Nothing you do is silly to me.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: FYI, this is a bag from Victoria’s Secret.
Leonard: I’m out.
Scene: The apartment. The three guys are still holding the ring. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: I’m sorry, Ma, I have to stay late at the office.
Raj: No, he’s doesn’t! He’s lying to you!
Howard: Will you be quiet?
Raj: Well, if you want privacy let go of the ring. I’m so glad we came to this gentile strip club! Howard, here’s more bacon to tuck into the shiksa’s G-string!
Howard: I’ll call you back.
Raj: I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies.
Howard: Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!
Raj: If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies.
Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?
Raj: Why don’t we go after your mother?
Sheldon: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add?
Howard: That’s not gonna Better pull out the big g*n.
Raj: You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother.
Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.
Raj: Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.
Sheldon: I don’t want to hear this.
Howard: Then let go of the ring and walk away.
Sheldon: Never.
Howard: All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.
Sheldon: Stop it!
Raj: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty.
Sheldon: I said stop it!
Howard: We’re getting to him.
Sheldon: Waterfalls!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.
Howard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.
Raj: It’s, it’s not working, dude.
Sheldon: Oh-ho-ho, it’s working all right. I have to pee.
Raj: Then let go of the ring and go.
Howard: No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.
Raj: Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two…
Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?
Howard: We stand up.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.
Raj: Three.
Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
Scene: Sometime later. The guys are on the settee. Howard is seen asleep, he is not holding the ring. The camera pans along to where Sheldon and Raj still hold the ring. Raj, also asleep, lets go and cuddles up to Howard.
Sheldon: I’ve done it! I’ve won! The ring is mine! It’s mine! (He runs to the bathroom) We’re going to clean it up and make it pretty. My own. My love. My precious. (He looks in the mirror and has turned into golem. He screams and wakes up, still on the settee.) Where’s the ring?
Leonard: It’s in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
Raj: The fires of Mount Doom?
Leonard: Peter Jackson’s office in New Zealand. It wasn’t ours.
Howard: You quit the game! You had no right to take it.
Leonard: I came in here, you guys were all sleeping. The ring was on the floor. No one was touching it.
Raj: Well, so then we start the game over until there’s a winner.
Leonard: There wasn’t ever going to be a winner. There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend. Is that really what you guys want? ‘Cause if it is, fine, I don’t want anything to do with you. And I don’t know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up! (Goes to his bedroom. Takes a box from under his bed. Takes out the ring.) My precious.
Scene: Leonard and Penny are asleep in Leonard’s bed. The extender and claw reaches across and pulls down the sheet revealing the ring on a chain round Leonard’s neck.
Sheldon: I knew it. Give us the precious!
Leonard: NEVER!
(They begin to struggle, both shouting “give it”, “give it to me” and “it’s mine” at various intervals. Penny gets out of the bed and heads out the door.)
Penny: Ugh, gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x17 - The Precious Fragmentation"} | foreverdreaming |
: The university cafeteria.
Raj: Okay in Avatar when they have sex in Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails.
Howard: What’s your point?
Raj: My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron.
Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?
Leonard: Oh, I’m so glad you asked it like that. You.
Sheldon: I won?
Leonard: You won.
Sheldon: I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It’s not astonishing, more like inevitable. I’m not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I’m going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.
Raj: Well, good for him.
Howard: Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost.
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment. The guys are watching Avatar in 3D. All are wearing 3D glasses except Raj.
Howard: Didn’t it look like that spear was going to go right through your skull?
Raj: No.
Leonard: Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses.
Sheldon (phone rings): Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.
Howard: Uh, hang on, flaming arrow.
Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech.
Howard: Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.
Raj: Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Leonard: What, to you, is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Penny: Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.
Sheldon: I’m not accepting the award.
Penny: Why not?
Howard: Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.
Penny: That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court.
Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Howard: Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em?
Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.
Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
Sheldon: I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.)
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: Don’t trample me.
Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.
Leonard: Sit down, we want to talk to you.
Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you?
Penny: Just sit.
Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright.
Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.
Penny: Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant.
Penny: Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.
Leonard: We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.
Sheldon: I do like the X-Men.
Penny: Did I see X-Men?
Leonard: Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.
Penny: Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?
Penny: Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.
Sheldon: That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?
Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.
Howard: Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap.
Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.
Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy.
Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.
Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard: Oh, that’s not a good name.
Scene: The apartment. Raj is lighting candles. Indian music is playing.
Raj: Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet, you can’t speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.
Sheldon: Okay, but don’t punch me.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.
Raj: I’m not going to punch you.
Sheldon: That’s what my sister used to say.
Raj: Do you want to do this or not?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Proceed.
Raj: All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.
Raj: Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis.
Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?
Raj: Whatever you like.
Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Raj: Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.
Raj: Then, put on a sweater.
Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.
Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Sheldon: Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
Raj: All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.
Raj: What now?
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
Scene: A clothing store.
Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice.
Sheldon: It’s only one colour.
Penny: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: That’s a lot of money for only one colour.
Penny: Fine. Why don’t you pick out what you like.
Sheldon: Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.
Penny: No, you’re wrong.
Sheldon (now in a sparkly green suit with rhinestones): This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.
Penny: Where the hell d’you find that?
Sheldon: In the prom department.
Penny: It’s ridiculous.
Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.
Penny: Please just try this one on.
Sheldon: Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, Sheldon, how you doing?
Sheldon: That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’ll start again.
Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um, I don’t know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.
Leonard: Why don’t we just talk?
Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father k*lling my mother with a hypodermic needle.
Leonard: Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here?
Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.
Leonard: But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.
Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?
Leonard: Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.
Sheldon: Go on.
Leonard: It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.
Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.
Leonard: Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again.
Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.
Leonard: For what?
Sheldon: If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.
Leonard: Wait, that’s it? I thought we had a whole hour!
Scene: The award ceremony.
Leonard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise)
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Penny: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.
Raj: Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men.
Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.
Penny: Here, drink this. It’ll relax you.
Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.
Penny: Fine, faint.
Sheldon: I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective.
Penny: Here, see if this one works.
Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.
Sheldon: I’m ready.
Leonard: Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium… Everybody! And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium… Just the Asians! And lanthanum and osmium, and astatine and radium…
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?
Leonard: You might want to check YouTube.
Sheldon: What do I search?
Leonard: It’s already loaded. Just h*t play.
On-screen Sheldon: All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Uh-uh, give it a minute.
On-screen Sheldon: Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here’s Uranus. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x18 - The Pants Alternative"} | foreverdreaming |
cene: Leonard and Penny are in Penny’s bed.
Penny: Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
Leonard: No, no, I’m good. If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Penny: Do or do not. There is no try.
Leonard: Did you just quote Star Wars?
Penny: I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Leonard: Oh, my God. I’m lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda. I love you, Penny.
Penny: Oh. Oh. Thank you.
Leonard: You’re welcome. I just wanted to put that out there.
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, I, I’m, I’m glad.
Leonard: Good. Glad is good.
Penny: Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Um. So, it’s getting pretty late. We should probably go to sleep.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard: Yeah, probably.
Penny: Okay, good night, sweetie.
Leonard: Good night.
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
Raj: Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
Sheldon: You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
Leonard: Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
Howard: What’s with him?
Sheldon: Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
Howard: Are you saying he’s man-struating?
Sheldon: Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels.
Raj: Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I’m talking about.
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: Okay, forget giant ants. How about giant rabbits?
Raj: Big or small, I don’t like rabbits. They always look like they’re about to say something, but they never do.
Sheldon: Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.
Raj: Maybe that’s what they want to talk about.
Howard: Leonard, where do you stand on giant rabbits and scrotal position?
Leonard: I honestly don’t care.
Raj: Really? Because every time we’ve talked about unusual animal genitals, you’ve always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions.
Leonard: What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.
Howard: Would that be a giant rat’s ass?
Sheldon: For the record, giant rats are possible.
Leonard: Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?
Howard: Okay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
Sheldon: Of course they are. Leonard’s being one.
Raj: Maybe he’s having a lover’s spat with Penny.
Leonard: No, there was no spat.
Howard: Oh, but something happened.
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Sheldon: But I sense you’re going to and I don’t want to hear about it. Excuse me.
Howard: What’d you do, Romeo? You pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
Raj: Did you think it would be funny to put on a pair of her panties and jump around, but it wound up just creeping her out?
Leonard: What? No.
Raj: I’m just asking, dude. It happens.
Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh. Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.
Howard: Did you ask her to start waxing?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you start waxing?
Leonard: No.
Howard: While making love, did you accidentally spank your own ass and cry out Mommy?
Leonard: I’m walking away from you now.
Howard: That wasn’t a no.
Raj: Yeah, I think we’re getting close.
Scene: The stairwell.
Howard: Did you take a Benadryl and fall asleep while pleasuring her? Because you can die that way.
Raj: Oh, that would be a good way to go.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Sheldon: Good, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o’clock.
Penny: Oh, right, bowling.
Leonard: You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.
Penny: No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly veiled contempt.
Sheldon: Remember, seven o’clock.
Penny: Got it.
Sheldon: Pacific Daylight time!
Penny: Bite me!
Sheldon: Please reserve that butch spirit for the lanes.
Scene: The bowling alley.
Howard: I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.
Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.
Howard: Then what’s with the disinfectant?
Sheldon: I know where my feet have been.
Stuart: Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
Wil: You’re not still carrying a grudge because I b*at you at that card tournament, are you?
Sheldon: I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?
Wil: It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.
Wil: Great. Then it’s on.
Sheldon: Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.
Time lapse.
Wil: Yes!
Sheldon: A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it’s really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.
Howard: Hey, I just wanted to tell you I’m a big fan.
Wil: Oh, thanks.
Howard: I’m sure you’re probably sick of Star Trek questions, but, Whoopi Goldberg, you ever h*t that?
Raj: Ah, beer. The magic elixir that can turn this poor, shy Indian boy into the life of the party. Oh, yeah.
Leonard: Chilli cheese fry?
Penny: Yes. I love chilli cheese fries.
Leonard: Really? You love them?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Leonard: No reason. I’m just glad to hear you’re comfortable saying you love something.
Penny: Do you really want to get into this right now?
Leonard: Get into what? Why wouldn’t you love the chilli cheese fries? They’ve been in your life a long time. They make you happy. They deserve to know.
Penny: Okay, look, you just caught me by surprise last night. I didn’t know what to say.
Leonard: Okay, well, now you’ve had some time to think about it. So, what do you want to say?
Penny: I’m not sure.
Leonard: How can you not be sure?
Penny: Okay, this isn’t the place to have this conversation.
Leonard: No, the place to have the conversation was in bed after I said, I love you, and you said, Thank you, good night.
Penny: Don’t push it, Leonard.
Leonard: I am not pushing anything.
Penny: You are. You don’t get to decide when I’m ready to say I love you!
Raj: Ah, the premature I love you.
Howard: I guessed premature. Does that count?
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: This is for you.
Penny: Ice cream?
Sheldon: I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.
Penny: Um, Ach.
Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.
Penny: Did Leonard send you over here?
Sheldon: No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.
Penny: Yeah, I’m sorry about that.
Sheldon: I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.
Penny: Again, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?
Sheldon: The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.
Penny: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.
Sheldon: You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.
Penny: No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you.
Sheldon: When are you going to talk to him?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.
Penny: You’re not gonna leave me alone until I do it, are you?
Sheldon: Oh, I think we both know the answer to that question.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: I think we should talk now.
Leonard: What? No, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk ’cause there’s nothing to talk about. Everything’s good.
Penny: Really? So, you didn’t get all snarky ’cause I said something nice to a bowl of chilli fries?
Leonard: All right, maybe I overreacted. So we’re in two different places emotionally. So what? And maybe I’m a little ahead of you. That’s fine. You know. In fact, it makes sense, ’cause let’s face it, I’ve been in this relationship two years longer than you.
Penny: Look, Leonard, you have to know how much I care about you. It’s just that I’ve said the L word too soon before, and it didn’t work out very well.
Leonard: Really? I wouldn’t know what that’s like.
Penny: I’m sorry. You know what I’m talking about, though.
Leonard: Yeah, I do.
Penny: So, we’re good?
Leonard: Yes, that’s what I’m telling you. We are good. We are great.
Sheldon: All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.
Scene: The bowling alley.
Sheldon: Attention, all bowlers. I’ve taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
Penny: The Wesley Crushers?
Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley “Crushers.”
Penny: I don’t get it.
Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.
Penny: Still don’t get it.
Sheldon: It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
Sheldon: What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”
Howard: You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers.
Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”
Wil: Hey, look. They named their team after me.
Sheldon: No, it’s not the… Never mind.
Stuart: So, we’re all clear on the bet and the stakes?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.
Stuart: Ouch again.
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.
Sheldon: Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?
Time lapse.
Wil: After you.
Sheldon: No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
Wil: It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.
Sheldon: All right.
Wil: It’s a custom, not a rule.
Sheldon: I so loathe you.
Wil: That’s right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.
Sheldon: That’s not even from your franchise!
Stuart: I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will.
Penny: Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.
Stuart: Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now.
Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.
Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You weren’t the ball.
Penny: Hey, thanks.
Leonard: This is fun, huh?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: It’s good that we got out and did something physical.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Leonard: Gets us out of our heads. You get in your head, you start to overthink, overanalyze, obsess, you worry. That’s not what we’re doing tonight. Tonight we’re just throwing a ball at some pins.
Penny: Yeah, that’s right.
Leonard: Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.
All (chanting): Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don!
Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.
All (chanting): The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball!
Sheldon: Thank you, Jesus! As my mother would say.
Wil: I’m glad you patched things up with your boyfriend.
Penny: Oh, yeah, me, too.
Wil: It’s always tough when the L b*mb gets dropped and you’re not ready for it.
Penny: Tell me about it.
Wil: I dated this one girl, and I told her that I loved her, and she said she wasn’t sure. And she strung me along for almost two years. It was brutal.
Penny: Oh, I’m sorry.
Wil: Thanks. Yeah, I wish she had just broken up with me right there, put me out of my misery.
Penny: Really?
Wil: Yeah, would have been kinder.
Stuart: Wil, you’re up.
Wil: Oh, that’s me.
Sheldon: Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?
Penny: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the d*ad meemaw card.
Wil: Yes!
Sheldon: Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.
Leonard: Penny, you’re up.
Sheldon: All right, remember, his meemaw’s alive and be the ball.
Penny: Yeah, I got it.
Leonard: We really need a strike here.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: So just take your time and concentrate.
Penny: Leonard, stop pressuring me.
Leonard: I’m not pressuring you.
Penny: Yeah, you are! Just back off!
Leonard: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll shut up.
Penny: I didn’t mean shut up.
Leonard: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.
Penny: No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!
Leonard: No, let her go.
Sheldon: Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over!
Leonard: I’m pretty sure it’s already over.
Wil: Tough luck, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You did this, didn’t you?
Wil: Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
Sheldon: No, I suppose not.
Wil: Good. Keep thinking that.
Sheldon: Wheaton!
Scene: The comic book store.
Stuart: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, I’m telling you the Match.com chicks are much looser than on eHarmony. You know, I, I gotta call you back. I won a bet, and it’s time to collect.
(The guys enter dressed as female superheroes. Howard is Batgirl, Sheldon is Wonder Woman, Leonard is Supergirl and Raj is Catwoman.)
Raj: I don’t know about you, but I feel empowered. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x19 - The Wheaton Recurrence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.
Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?
Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Penny: Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Penny: Everyone.
Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you?
Sheldon: Bazinga.
Penny: Mmm. How’s Leonard doing?
Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
Penny: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.
Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.
Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.
Sheldon: I’m hungry now.
Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?
Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?
Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool.
Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.
Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.
Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?
Leonard: I don’t know. Why?
Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!
Credits sequence
Scene: A few moments later.
Howard: Oh, God, this is good.
Raj: Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you’re going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.
Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!
Leonard: So, you guys want to do something tonight?
Howard: Nah, I can’t. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee t*nk at Sea World.
Leonard: What about you, Raj?
Raj: Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again.
Leonard: I never stopped hanging out with you.
Raj: Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.
Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady t*nk.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.
Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.
Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?
Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.
Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?
Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?
Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.
Howard: Hold on. I’ll walk down with you.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.
Howard: Or we could go together.
Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.
Howard: Let’s go.
Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.
Raj: I’ve missed you.
Scene: The lobby.
Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: What?
Howard: You said you were going for a walk.
Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.
Howard: So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Woman’s voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.
Howard: Which way are you going?
Sheldon: Which way are you going?
Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.
Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.
Howard: Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs?
Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.
Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.
Howard: All right, have a nice walk.
Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.
Howard: You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.
Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: I haven’t had sex in a year.
Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj?
Raj: Don’t flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman.
Leonard: So, go.
Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don’t want to come off like a lonely loser.
Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that?
Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I’ll look like a catch.
Leonard: I’m not going out tonight, Raj.
Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian p*rn?
Leonard: Very much.
Raj: Doesn’t have to be Asian.
Leonard: Don’t worry. You’ll meet a girl someday.
Raj: No, I won’t.
Leonard: Yes, you will, and she’ll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.
Raj: You really think so?
Leonard: I do, and you’ll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she’ll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.
Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.
Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.
Penny: Well, good.
Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.
Penny: He’s been crying?
Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.
Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?
Penny: No. Why, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?
Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.
Penny: All right. So, what’s new in your life?
Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.
Penny: Have you been running?
Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Penny: I’m so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.
Penny: Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook.
Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.
Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I’m gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I’m in Jewish hell.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Look at this. Do you think she’s really doing that or is it PhotoShop?
Leonard: I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.
Raj: You don’t know that. Prison changes people.
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I told you, walking.
Leonard: For an hour and a half?
Sheldon: I got lost.
Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.
Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.
Raj: There are no solar flares right now.
Sheldon: Yes, there are.
Raj: Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.
Leonard: What the hell was that about?
Raj: I don’t know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?
Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard is asleep.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, just come in!
Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.
Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will k*ll you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death thr*at are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may want to sit down.
Leonard: I’m in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?
Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?
Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.
Leonard: I guess not.
Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Oh, um, I, I can come back.
Leonard: D-don’t be silly. We’re neighbours, we’re going to run into each other, may as well get used to it.
Penny: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Leonard: You used to it yet?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard: Me neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it’s fine.
Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me.
Leonard: His mother?
Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.
Leonard: I was going to do that.
Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it.
Leonard: No, I don’t want to do it. You can do it.
Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes.
Leonard: I just took him for shoes.
Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.
Leonard: Fine. I’ll take him for shoes next Saturday.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.
Leonard: You’re taking him to Disneyland?
Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no?
Leonard: All right. But let me know if you’re going to stuff him with junk food. I don’t want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.
Penny: We’re going to Disneyland. He’s going to eat junk food.
Leonard: All I’m saying is give me a heads-up.
Penny: Okay, whatever.
Leonard: And don’t let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He’ll say he can handle it, but I promise you’ll end up with churro puke on your shoes.
Penny: All right, got it. Is there anything else?
Leonard: Yeah, don’t let Goofy near him. He’ll have nightmares and I’ll have to deal with it.
Penny: What’s the problem with Goofy?
Leonard: Wish I knew. He’s fine with Pluto.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
Howard: Well, that’s it. We’re officially out of things to talk about.
Penny: We’re home.
Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?
Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.
Leonard: I was going to see that with him.
Penny: How was I supposed to know that?
Sheldon: It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you.
Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.
Penny: I know, I know.
Sheldon: I can still eat.
Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight
Leonard: We’re not fighting.
Penny: Just go.
Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: You’re welcome, sweetie.
Leonard: Want a cup of coffee?
Penny: Oh, um, I should probably get going.
Leonard: Come on. It’s just a cup of coffee.
Penny: Yep, okay.
Howard (to Raj, who has whispered to him): Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
Leonard: What am I smelling?
Penny: Sheldon’s churro on my shoes.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: He’s such an angel when he’s asleep.
Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn’t that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I’m glad.
Leonard: Here’s an idea. I’m just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin’ around.
Sheldon (in his sleep): No, Goofy, no. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Sheldon: Hold.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.
Raj: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: Do you have allergies?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?
Raj: I don’t put pepper on salads.
Sheldon: I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.
Raj: Oh, come on. I don’t want to sit by myself.
Sheldon: That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.
Raj: Guys, help me.
Howard: Sheldon, come on.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.
Howard: See you, buddy.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.
Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.
Leonard: Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!
Sheldon: I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?
Sheldon: My room, of course.
Raj: Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!
Howard: Yeah, um, I have a two-part question.
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Howard: A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
Howard: So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?
Leonard: Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?
Raj: When can I sit with you again?
Sheldon: When I’ve seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.
Leonard: I can’t believe he’s friends with Elizabeth Plimpton.
Raj: I can’t believe they let him into Canada.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down.
Credits sequence
Scene: The lobby
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?
Penny: What? What are you doing with, what?
Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.
Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?
Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.
Penny: Oh. What?
Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.
Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?
Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled.
Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.
Penny: Female jibber jabber?
Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.
Penny: Oh, they’re not my friends.
Sheldon: I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: She’s here, she’s here. How do I look? Do I look smart?
Sheldon: Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.
Elizabeth: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Elizabeth: Nice to finally meet you in person.
Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live
here, you’re brilliant.
Sheldon: I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist.
Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.
Leonard: Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything?
Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?
Elizabeth: Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.
Sheldon: Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.
Leonard: Look, it’s you.
Scene: A little later.
Elizabeth: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Leonard: Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys.
Elizabeth: I’m so glad you understand.
Sheldon: No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.
Leonard: Well, I understand, too.
Sheldon: You’re just misappropriating my understanding.
Leonard: Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
Sheldon: From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.
Elizabeth: All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart.
Sheldon: Get it together, man.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.
Elizabeth: Good to know.
Sheldon: In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
Elizabeth: What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
Sheldon: Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?
Elizabeth: Can I ask a question about your roommate?
Sheldon: He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?
Elizabeth: What’s his relationship status?
Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.
Elizabeth: Okay.
Sheldon: Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.
Elizabeth: How thoughtful.
Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend.
Elizabeth: You, too.
Sheldon: Oh, let me just get one thing. It’s my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn’t pass through here. Now, good night. And if there’s an apocalypse, good luck.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard: Yes?
Elizabeth: I saw your light on.
Leonard: Is everything all right?
Elizabeth: Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep.
Leonard: Me neither. Oh, look what I’m reading. It’s you.
Elizabeth: I thought you already read it.
Leonard: I did, but it’s been a while, and I wanted to sound smart over breakfast.
Elizabeth: Aw, you’re smart.
Leonard: Oh, good. Wasn’t sure it was coming across.
Elizabeth: What chapter are you on?
Leonard: Uh, six.
Elizabeth: Oh, the extragalactic distance ladder. Want to know a little secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Elizabeth: I wrote the section on the Wilson-Bappu Effect completely naked.
Leonard: Really? Uh, sure doesn’t read that way.
Elizabeth: Here, let me show you. When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars, we start to see (removes robe) a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble’s constant.
Leonard: Wow. You really make science come alive.
Scene: The living room.
Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.
Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Morning.
Elizabeth: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.
Elizabeth: More than pleasant.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m going to relieve myself.
Leonard: How do you take your coffee?
Elizabeth: Black.
Leonard: Okeydoke.
Sheldon (in bathroom): Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.
Leonard: Something his mother taught him.
Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.
Elizabeth: That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first.
Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll f*re off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.
Penny: Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.
Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?
Penny: No, Mr. smarty-pants. I ignored the fill gas t*nk light.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure, let me just put this in a travel mug.
Penny: Hello.
Elizabeth: Hi.
Penny: Oh, Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn’t understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.
Elizabeth: Nice to meet you.
Penny: Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay?
Elizabeth: Yes, very much.
Penny: Good.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.
Elizabeth: Excuse me.
Leonard: Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work. You and Sheldon and Sheldon’s friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met. It’ll be fun. Like a clown car.
Penny: Hang on.
Leonard: Hmm? Yeah? What? Huh?
Penny: We just broke up.
Leonard: What, uh, you and me? Yeah, we did. Not too long ago. How are you doing with it?
Penny: Not as good as you apparently.
Leonard: I, um, I don’t follow.
Penny: You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard: Well, now…
Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened.
Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard: Well…
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Come on. It wasn’t my fault.
Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.
Leonard: I didn’t betray Penny.
Sheldon: Not Penny, me!
Leonard: How am I betraying you?
Sheldon: Elizabeth’s my friend, and you’re playing with her!
Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.
Scene: The cafeteria. Raj drinks from a hip flask.
Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Raj: Relax, it’s Nyquil.
Leonard: You still have a cold?
Raj: Maybe, but I don’t care. That’s the great thing about Nyquil, it’s like ten-percent booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.
Leonard: Are you having trouble sleeping? ‘Cause, boy, I was up all night.
Raj: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard: If you want, I can give you some of my mom’s sleeping pills.
Raj: She won’t notice they’re missing?
Howard: She doesn’t know she takes them.
Leonard: No, that’s okay. It was something else keeping me up last night. And again this morning. And, I didn’t mind. I was up last night. I was up this morning. I didn’t mind. Those are your clues.
Raj: Ooh, ooh. Did the pigeon on your windowsill have more babies?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Were you up making another stop-motion Lego movie?
Leonard: No.
Howard: ‘Cause let me tell you, it’s not enough to make the Legos move, they also have to capture your heart.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll give you one more clue. It involved another person.
Raj: Did you get a Japanese love pillow?
Howard: How is a Japanese love pillow another person?
Raj: It is if you love her and give her a name.
Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali
Raj: Hi.
Sheldon: And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: Hi.
Raj: I’m a big fan of your work.
Elizabeth: Thank you.
Sheldon: And of course, you’ve already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Hey, you.
Elizabeth: Hey, you.
Leonard: Boy, I’m kind of tuckered out. How are you feeling, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: You know what? I am a little tired. Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee?
Leonard: Sure. Black, right?
Elizabeth: Actually, now I think I want it hot, brown and sweet.
Leonard: Coming right up.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: What?
Howard: What do you mean what? It’s Halo night.
Raj: I can’t. I’m too sick. Go away.
Howard: That’s why we moved Halo night here. Look, I brought my mom’s chicken soup.
Raj: I’m not hungry.
Elizabeth: Don’t send him away. Let him in.
Howard: Who’s that
Raj: I bought a parrot.
Howard: Yeah, right. Dr. Plimpton?
Elizabeth: Hi. Howard, right?
Howard: Uh, yeah.
Elizabeth: Can I ask you a question, Howard? Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I’m a dungeon master.
Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but uh-oh, Raj and I don’t have enough money to pay you. So we’ll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard: Beg pardon?
Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I’m going to go change into something I don’t mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard: What the frak?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: We broke up weeks ago.
Raj: Why didn’t you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
Leonard: Hey, who’s ready for Halo?
Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard: He’s right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
Leonard: I don’t understand.
Elizabeth: Oh, good. Leonard’s here.
Raj: Good?
Leonard: Elizabeth? What’s going on?
Elizabeth: What’s going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don’t have enough money to pay any of you.
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she’s suggesting?
Howard: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.
Raj: Okay, show of hands. Who’s up for this? (Only Howard raises his hand.)
Leonard: We’ll all be naked in front of each other.
Howard: I’m out.
Elizabeth: Everybody ready?
Raj: Follow my lead. Almost. We’re, we’re going to go out into the hallway and, uh, make a dramatic entrance.
Elizabeth: Oh, good. It’s so much better when everyone commits.
Raj: Run. Run, run, run. Don’t look back.
Leonard: I thought we had something special.
Raj (locks door): So, you say you can’t pay your rent?
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Oh, Leonard?
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: I found these in the dryer. I’m assuming they belong to Sheldon.
Leonard: Thanks. It’s really hard to find these in his size. So, listen. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
Penny: You mean you and Dr. Slutbunny?
Leonard: Yeah, I wanted to explain.
Penny: Well, you don’t owe me an explanation.
Leonard: I don’t?
Penny: No, you don’t.
Leonard: So you’re not judging me?
Penny: Oh, I’m judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don’t owe me an explanation.
Leonard: Nevertheless, I’d like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
Penny: I’m listening.
Leonard: She let me. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x21 - The Plimpton Stimulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, Babydoll Pink, let’s see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad’s feet.
Leonard (voice off): It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!
Sheldon: (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Leonard (voice off): Yes, if we lived in a teakettle.
Sheldon: (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard (voice off): Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.
Leonard (voice off): You know what, go to Hell and set their thermostat.
Sheldon: (voice off): I don’t have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I’m there already!
Penny (after a knock on the door): Who is it?
Leonard: Leonard.
Penny: Hang on.
Leonard: Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
Penny: Uh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
Leonard: You heard that, huh?
Penny: Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat-crap crazy.
Leonard: So you agree, he’s nuts.
Penny: Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
Leonard: Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
Penny: Oh, I do not believe that.
Leonard: You are so naive. Just like I was seven years ago. (Flasback: The lobby) I’d just started at the university.
Past Leonard: Excuse me, I’m looking for Sheldon Cooper’s apartment.
Man with a box: Oh, I bet you’re here to check out the room for rent.
Past Leonard: Yeah.
Man: Run away, dude.
Past Leonard: What?
Man: Run fast, run far. (End of flashback.)
Leonard: That should have been my first clue.
Scene: Moments later.
Penny: So Sheldon’s last roommate tried to warn you off?
Leonard: For all I knew, he was the crazy one. He had this really deranged look.
Penny: Well, yeah, he’d been living with Sheldon.
Leonard: Sure, it makes sense now. (Flashback. Past Leonard is getting out of the lift). Anyway, I went upstairs and knocked on the door.
Large Black tr*nsv*stite: Yeah?
Past Leonard: Dr. Cooper?
tr*nsv*stite: No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
Leonard: In retrospect, that was clue number two.
Past Sheldon: Yes?
Past Leonard: I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said…
Past Sheldon: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
Past Leonard: What?
Past Sheldon: You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
Past Leonard: Uh, radon?
Past Sheldon: Are you asking me or telling me?
Past Leonard: Telling you? Telling you.
Past Sheldon: All right, next question. Kirk or Picard?
Past Leonard: Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Past Sheldon: Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.
Past Leonard (Enters apartment. It is bare except for two lawn chairs, a television and some whiteboards): Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
Past Sheldon: That depends.
Past Leonard: I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional?
Past Sheldon: No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
Past Leonard: There’s three?
Past Sheldon: Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat.
Past Leonard: Okay.
Past Sheldon: No! That’s where I sit!
Past Leonard: What’s the difference?
Past Sheldon: This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.
Past Leonard: Can you do that?
Past Sheldon: Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.
Past Leonard: Uh, yeah, experimental physics.
Past Sheldon: Hmm.
Past Leonard: What is that?
Past Sheldon: Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?
Past Leonard: Yes.
Past Sheldon: And you have a vehicle?
Past Leonard: A car, yeah.
Past Sheldon: And you’ll be willing to drive me?
Past Leonard: Well, can’t you drive?
Past Sheldon: I can. I choose not to.
Past Leonard: Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right?
Past Sheldon: Why don’t you let me do this.
Past Leonard: Come on, I just asked.
Past Sheldon: Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?
Past Leonard: Uh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge.
Past Sheldon: That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.
Past Leonard: Oh, good. I passed the barriers.
Past Sheldon: The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?
Past Leonard: Uh, I guess.
Past Sheldon: This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?
Past Leonard: When I have to.
Past Sheldon: When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies.
Past Leonard: I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight.
Past Sheldon: I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.
Past Leonard: Fine. I’ll take it.
Past Sheldon: Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!
Past Leonard: Is this it?
Past Sheldon: No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room.
Past Leonard: So where do you sleep?
Past Sheldon: I don’t understand.
Past Leonard: If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke.
Past Sheldon: Do you do this often?
Past Leonard: On occasion.
Past Sheldon: Your room. You may want to repaint. (End of Flashback)
Penny: Okay, and after all that, you just moved in?
Leonard: No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment)
Past Sheldon: Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.
Past Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Past Sheldon: We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.
Past Leonard: We have a flag?
Past Sheldon: Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.
Past Leonard: Okay.
Past Sheldon: Well that’s disappointing. (End of flashback.)
Penny: Why on earth did you agree to all that?
Leonard: It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way.
Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.
Leonard: Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.)
Past Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Past Leonard: Shh. Just pretend we’re not here.
Past Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard?
Past Leonard: I’m sure he’ll go away.
Past Sheldon: I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Past Leonard: What do you want? I didn’t say come in!
Past Sheldon: You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.”
Past Leonard: I didn’t even know her 12 hours ago.
Joyce Kim: That’s it! I’m out of here!
Past Leonard: But, Joyce, come on.
Past Sheldon: 12 hours? (End of flashback.)
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: Do I get some sympathy now?
Penny: A little bit. Okay. Let me get this straight. You move in with this guy, he makes you sign a ridiculous roommate agreement, then he walks into your bedroom while you’re doing this Joyce Kim, and you still stay?
Leonard: Actually, I couldn’t get too mad at him about Joyce Kim.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, I was doing some government research at the time, you know, military, rocket fuel. It’s kind of secret.
Penny: What does that have to do with Joyce Kim?
Leonard: As it turns out, she was a North Korean spy. Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important. Which I’m not saying I would have.
Penny: So, what, that’s it? You’ve stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison?
Leonard: That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.
Leonard: It was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work… (Flashback, the apartment. The settee has now appeared. Leonard, Howard and Raj are playing a video game.)
Past Sheldon: What is going on here?
Past Leonard: Hey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too.
Past Howard: Hey.
Past Raj: Hey.
Past Sheldon: I’ll get to you later. What are you sitting on?
Past Howard: I can’t speak for these guys, but I’m sitting on my tushie. It’s a joke.
Past Leonard: Yeah, not a good idea.
Past Raj: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Past Howard: Right.
Past Raj: Hilarious.
Past Sheldon: Explain the couch.
Past Leonard: Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
Past Sheldon: But what’s wrong with the furniture we have?
Past Leonard: They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.
Past Sheldon: Did it occur to you that was by design?
Past Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
Past Sheldon: But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.
Past Leonard: I did notify you.
Past Sheldon: Oh, you did, did you? Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.
Past Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Past Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny.
Past Raj: Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.)
Penny: Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?
Leonard: I’m getting to it. (Back to flashback.)
Past Sheldon: I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.
Past Raj: Okay, do you have an opinion about everything?
Past Sheldon: Yes.
Past Howard: And you just assume you’re always right?
Past Sheldon: It’s not an assumption. Change seats with me.
Past Raj: Why?
Past Sheldon: I don’t like this spot. I have to keep turning my head.
Past Raj: Fine.
Past Leonard: Ooh, it’s time for Babylon 5!
Past Sheldon: We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.
Past Leonard: Why not?
Past Sheldon: Because no one likes Babylon 5.
Past Leonard: I like it.
Past Raj: Me, too.
Past Howard: So do I.
Past Leonard: There you go– three against one.
Past Sheldon: They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.
Past Leonard: But I said no to that.
Past Sheldon: And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.
Past Howard: Why?
Past Sheldon: There’s a draft on my neck over here.
Past Howard: So, I get the draft?
Past Sheldon: You’re protected by your turtleneck.
Past Howard: Fine. And it’s a dickey.
Past Sheldon: Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here.
Past Leonard: We can fix that. Let’s leave.
Past Howard: Yeah, we can go over to my place.
Past Sheldon: Wait. Let me get my jacket.
Past Howard: You’re not going with us.
Past Sheldon: Why not?
Past Raj: You’re the guy we’re trying to get away from.
Past Sheldon: Oh. Well, in that case, I don’t need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is I’m the guy from whom you’re trying to get away. Oh, yes, this is definitely going to be my spot. (End of flashback.)
Penny: Okay, how do you know he said that? You left the room.
Leonard: Hey, do you want me to finish working on your man feet or not?
Penny: Fine. Go ahead. (Flashback to Howard’s bedroom.)
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, are you having a playdate?
Past Howard: I don’t have playdates! I have colleagues!
Mrs Wolowitz: Do their parents know they’re here?
Past Howard: No, but if you keep screaming, maybe they’ll hear you!
Past Leonard: That your dad?
Past Howard: She grows any more hair on her face, yes.
Past Leonard: Oh, man. Is that a two-stage rocket?
Past Howard: Three. I designed the engine myself.
Past Raj: Cool. Can it break Mach 1?
Past Howard: Oh, probably, if I could get my hands on that new fuel the government’s been working on.
Past Leonard: Oh, this just might be your lucky day.
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, what happened to the Oreos I left on the counter?!
Past Howard: I haven’t seen your Oreos! Just take your bath without them! (End of flashback.)
Penny: So, why was it his lucky day?
Leonard: Well, it turns out I had a little rocket fuel in the apartment.
Penny: What were you doing with rocket fuel in your apartment?
Leonard: Mm, Joyce Kim was kind of curious about what I did for a living, and I was going to kind of show it to her. It’s not important. The point is, the guys and I went back to the apartment.
Penny: Are we ever going to get to the elevator?
Leonard: Yeah, we’re really close. Uh, uh, we’re at the apartment. (Flashback.)
Past Leonard: The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust.
Past Howard: Nice.
Past Raj: Cool.
Past Sheldon: Won’t work.
Past Leonard: Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work.
Past Sheldon: You don’t see your mistake, do you?
Past Leonard: There’s no mistake.
Past Sheldon: This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
Past Leonard: Well, I’ve adjusted the formula.
Past Sheldon: Not correctly.
Past Leonard: Okay, I’ve had it with you. You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science-fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics. And when it comes to applied physic… uh-oh.
Past Howard: What’s happening?
Past Leonard: A bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door. Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! Get the door!
Past Howard: You’re waiting for the elevator?
Past Leonard: Oh. Right.
Past Raj: Wait. It’s here.
Past Sheldon: Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)
Past Leonard: What’d you do that for? I had plenty of time. (Elevator explodes.)
Past Sheldon: You’re welcome. (End of flashback.)
Leonard: Not only did Sheldon save my life, he didn’t rat me out to the landlord. Or the police. Or Homeland Security.
Penny: Okay, so, basically, you’re the reason I have to walk up and down three flights of stairs every day?
Leonard: So I did something stupid. I’m sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?
Penny: Excuse me, I was in high school. Studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community. (Flashback. Penny is in her bedroom, sitting on the bed with a guy, looking at a pregnancy tester.)
Past Penny: Not pregnant. Yes!
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate?
Leonard: Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.
Sheldon: There’s doubt?
Leonard: I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it.
Sheldon: That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.
Leonard: Okay, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: There you go.
Leonard: So, we’re good?
Sheldon: Good what?
Leonard: Never mind. Okay if I watch some TV?
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Television voice: Up next Babylon 5.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard (voice off): You’re not even watching!
Sheldon (voice off): I can hear it!
Leonard (voice off): Oh, so the dialogue offends you?
Sheldon (voice off): I would hardly call that dialogue!
Leonard (voice off): You’re insane, you know that?!
Sheldon (voice off): Don’t make me turn that flag upside down, ’cause you know I’ll do it! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x22 - The Staircase Implementation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: On the roof of the apartment building.
Leonard: Okay, we’ve got power to the laser.
Sheldon: I should’ve brought an umbrella.
Leonard: What for? It’s not going to rain.
Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.
Howard: That’s a bazinga, right?
Sheldon: One of my best, don’t you think?
Leonard: Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility.
Howard: You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.
Raj: It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy.
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?
Leonard: Relax, it’s just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?
Leonard: Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks.
Sheldon: Not my world.
Leonard: Hey, you know who’d really dig seeing this experiment? Penny.
Sheldon: I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.
Raj: Why don’t you ask her to come up?
Leonard: I don’t know, it’s still a little weird since, you know…
Howard: She dumped you?
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard: Oh, it’s very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called please don’t leave me, while Penny had just moved to the island of bye-bye.
Leonard: Screw you guys. I’m gonna go see if she’s home.
Howard: If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to point this at the moon now.
Raj: Wait a second, the good wife is crying. Something’s very wrong.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hi. What’s going on?
Leonard: We’re up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
Penny: I’m sorry, what?
Leonard: It’s pretty cool. We’ve got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything. I thought you might want to see it.
Man in Penny’s Apartment: That makes no sense.
Penny: Um…
Man: How can you bounce stuff off the moon? There’s no gravity.
Penny: Uh, Leonard, this is Zack. Zack, Leonard.
Zack: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were busy. Maybe another time.
Penny: Yeah, maybe.
Zack: Hey, I want to see this laser thing.
Penny: Oh, but what about the party?
Zack: It’s a surprise party, doesn’t matter when we get there.
Penny: Oh, right.
Leonard: Okay, well, yeah, come on up. So, how’d you two guys meet?
Zack: My company designs the menus for the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Your company?
Zack: Well,, my dad, but me and my sister are VPs.
Leonard: So, menus.
Zack: I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them.
Scene: The roof.
Howard: Happy now? I’m moving the dirty sock.
Sheldon: Thank you. Raj, keep an eye out for the other one.
Penny: Hey, guys, this is my friend Zack.
Zack: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Zack: Whoa! Is that the laser? It’s bitchin’.
Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.
Leonard: Let me explain what we’re doing here. Um, in 1969, the astronauts on Apollo 11 positioned reflectors on the surface of the moon, and we’re going to sh**t a laser off one of them and let the light bounce back into this photomultiplier.
Penny: Oh! That’s very cool.
Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won’t blow up?
Leonard: The laser?
Zack: The moon.
Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard: Uh, that’s a great question, Zack.
Sheldon: No, it’s not.
Penny: Sheldon! Play nice.
Sheldon: Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.
Leonard: Don’t worry about the moon. We, we set our laser to stun.
Zack: Smart.
Leonard: Now, we’ll be able to see the beam when it leaves, but it won’t be strong enough when it comes back to be seen by the naked eye.
Zack: Naked.
Leonard: Right. Uh yeah, funny. Uh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses.
Zack: Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?
Howard: Preparing to f*re laser at the moon.
Sheldon: Make it so.
Howard: There it is. There’s the spike!
Leonard: 2.5 seconds for the light to return. That’s the moon! We h*t the moon!
Zack: That’s your big experiment? All that for a line on the screen?
Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: What species is that?
Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.
Penny: Okay, guys, thank you, it’s been fun.
Zack: Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?
Penny: No, just keep walking.
Sheldon: He must be very skilled at coitus.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: I’m telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard: Horse.
Raj: What?
Howard: The phrase is get back on the horse, not whores.
Raj: That’s disgusting, dude.
Howard: No, it’s not… Never mind. He is right, though. If you want, I can turn you on to this great new dating site I found.
Leonard: No, thanks.
Howard: You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody.
Leonard: Have they found a match for you?
Howard: Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left.
Sheldon: I can’t bring the nitrogen t*nk down.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.
Leonard: I’ll help you.
Sheldon: Thank you. Lift with your knees, not your back. Good night.
Raj: You know what would be fun? Signing Sheldon up for online dating.
Howard: Yeah, right.
Raj: No, think about it. We make it an experiment. Like when Frankenstein’s monster was lonely and he found a wife.
Howard: He didn’t find a wife. They built him a wife out of d*ad body parts.
Raj: Okay, we’ll call that plan B.
Scene: The apartment. It is night and the lights are off. Knocking.
Leonard: Coming!
Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard.
Leonard: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy, and then you ruined him!
Leonard: How did I ruin him?
Penny: ‘Cause in the olden days, I never would’ve known he was so stupid.
Leonard: Come on, he wasn’t that stupid.
Penny: Yes, he was! He thought you were gonna blow up the moon!
Leonard: Okay, yeah, he’s stupid.
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how he invented the word appe-teasers.
Leonard: How is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. Now, come with me.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Penny: We’re gonna have sex.
Leonard: Why? I mean, okay.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Penny: Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud.
Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.
Scene: The next morning.
Sheldon: In what universe is this low-pulp? Good morning, Penny.
Penny: What, do you have eyes in the back of your head?
Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?
Penny: Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry.
Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.
Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.
Leonard: How many times have I asked you not to do that?
Sheldon: Counting this instance? 317.
Leonard: Where’s Penny?
Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.
Leonard: I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye.
Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?
Leonard: I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.
Sheldon: I have no difficulty believing you’re not butter.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Leonard: Oh, hey.
Penny: Oh, hi. Um, I gotta run. Early shift.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll walk down with you. So, last night was fun, huh?
Penny: Yeah, it must have been. I just threw up in my closet.
Leonard: Bummer. Anyway, I was thinking tonight maybe we could catch a movie.
Penny: Oh, yeah, tonight’s not great for me.
Leonard: Doesn’t have to be tonight. I’m free pretty much always.
Penny: Leonard, last night was a mistake.
Leonard: When you say mistake, do you mean a fortunate mistake, like the discovery of penicillin?
Penny: Look, I’m sorry. I was drunk, I was lonely, I hated Zack. Can we just forget it ever happened?
Leonard: No, it’s pretty well imprinted on my brain. Especially the whole rodeo thing.
Penny: Oh, God!
Leonard: So, that’s it? Wham, bam, thank you, Leonard?
Penny: Look, I said I’m sorry. Can’t u please let it go?
Leonard: How am I supposed to let it go? You used me for sex! Morning, Mrs. g*n.
Mrs g*n: Good morning, Leonard. Or should I say yee-haw?
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Holy crap.
Howard: What?
Raj: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us.
Howard: Excuse me?
Raj: The dating site matched a woman with Sheldon.
Howard: You’re kidding. An actual woman?
Raj: Yeah, look. Breasts and everything.
Howard: Trust me, breasts doesn’t necessarily mean woman.
Raj: Since when?
Howard: I’ll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime. Leonard, you gotta see this, we found a match for Sheldon.
Leonard: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him, and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a how do you do?
Raj: Do you know what he’s talking about?
Howard: Nope. Why don’t you ask him?
Raj: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.
Raj: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard: Whatever. Right now, Dr. Sheldon Cooper has to send an e-mail to his perfect match. Greetings, fellow life-form…
Scene: A building corridor.
Leonard: If she can do it, I can do it. If she can do it, I can do it. If she can do it, I can do it. (Knocks on door) I can’t do it.
Leslie Winkle: Hello?
Leonard: Oh, hi. Hey. Hi, Leslie.
Leslie: Leonard Hofstadter. What’re you doing here?
Leonard: Uh, I know! It’s been a while!
Leslie: Yeah, 18 months.
Leonard: Right. Right. So how you doing?
Leslie: Fine. You?
Leonard: Uh, not bad. You remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn’t mean anything, it was just for fun?
Leslie: Yeah.
Leonard: Uh, do you, uh, want to do that again?
Leslie: What happened? Blondie dumped you?
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Leslie: Right.
Leonard: Um, anyway, apparently, it’s okay to go back to people you’re no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
Leslie: Uh-huh.
Leonard: So, what do you say?
Leslie: Let me think about it. (Slams door.)
Leonard: She’s not coming back.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Uh-oh. She wants to meet us.
Howard: Not us. Him.
Raj: Yes, but him doesn’t even know about her.
Howard: Well, him about to find out about her.
Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?
Sheldon: Who’s going to tell whom about what?
Howard: Sheldon. Hey.
Raj: Hi.
Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.
Howard: Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon?
Sheldon: Be more specific.
Howard: Four thirty.
Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.
Raj: Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning?
Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.
Howard: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?
Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.
Raj: But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.
Howard: And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating”
Raj: Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.
Howard: Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity?
Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.
Raj: Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.
Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.
Howard: Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.
Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.
Howard: All right, you can have a hot chocolate.
Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: What’s life without whimsy?
Howard: Okay, I’m out.
Raj: Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.
Sheldon: You’re bluffing.
Raj: Are you willing to risk it?
Sheldon: Curse you.
Scene: The hallway. Leonard is finishing off a bottle of spirits. He opens the lift and drops the bottle inside.
Leonard: Thirty feet.
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: I was a perfectly happy, geeky, little lonely guy, and you ruined me!
Penny: Are you drunk?
Leonard: Come on. We’re gonna have sex, and it’s not gonna mean a thing!
Penny: Are you out of your mind?!
Leonard: I’m really starting to think there’s a double standard here.
Scene: A coffee shop.
Sheldon: In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
Raj: You don’t know we’re wrong yet.
Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.
Amy: Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
Howard: Good God, what have we done? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x23 - The Lunar Excitation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. A robotic arm is extracting some Chinese takeaway from a bag controlled by Howard.
Howard: And now the kung pao chicken.
Leonard: Alright.
Raj: Smooth.
Howard: And finally, my moo shu pork.
Raj: Whoo-hoo!
Howard: Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.
Raj: And it only took 28 minutes.
Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to k*ll Sarah Connor.
Leonard: I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sheldon.
Sheldon: No one ever does. That’s why it happens.
Penny (arriving): Hey. Is the food here? Ooh. What’s that?
Howard: That, dear lady, is the Wolowitz Programmable Hand, designed for extravehicular repairs on the International Space Station.
Penny: Ah, cool.
Howard: Ask me to pass the soy sauce.
Penny: Oh, does that come up much on the space station?
Howard: Mostly with Asian and Jewish astronauts.
Penny: All right. Pass the soy sauce.
Howard: Coming up. (Starts typing rapidly)
Leonard: So how’s work?
Penny: Oh, it’s not bad. Kind of hungry.
Leonard: Yeah, we all are.
Howard: Just wait.
Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?
Howard: Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.
Penny: Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace?
Howard: No, not peace. Hang on.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A few moments later.
Penny: Does NASA know you’re using that thing as a napkin holder?
Howard: You kidding? They still think it’s in a secure locker at JPL.
Penny: You stole it?
Howard: Borrowed. The trick is to carry it out to your car like you own it.
Sheldon (phone gives text alert): Excuse me. Oh. Amy’s at the dry cleaners, and she’s made a very amusing pun. “I don’t care for perchloroethylene, and I don’t like glycol ether.” Get it? She doesn’t like glycol ether. Sounds like either. (Taps in reply) L-O-L.
Penny: Who’s Amy?
Leonard: His girlfriend.
Penny: Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: How long has this been going on?
Leonard: Four months.
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what’s new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: Ah, du-du-du-du-du. How did they meet?
Howard: Raj and I entered Sheldon’s information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy.
Howard: Or, as we call them, Shamy.
Penny (squeals): Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy.
Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.
Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny (spits out drink explosively. Howard types. Robot arm hands Penny a napkin): Thank you.
Leonard: Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby?
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to k*ll Sheldon.
Penny: Okay, I have a question.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny.
Penny: You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex?
Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sex?
Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?
Sheldon: I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental?
Leonard: Still digging the Shamy?
Penny: Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her.
Sheldon: You mean dating?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: I can’t date Amy.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.
Penny: Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child.
Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?
Penny: Probably not.
Sheldon: Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.
Scene: The hallway.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.
Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.
Penny: Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time.
Sheldon: If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.
Penny: What do you want?
Sheldon: I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, that’s great. Have fun.
Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You know I don’t drive.
Penny: Well, go ask Leonard.
Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.
Penny: Leonard said cockamamie?
Sheldon: Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.
Penny: Okay, fine. When’s the date?
Sheldon: Now.
Penny: Now?
Sheldon: Hurry. We’re going to be late.
Penny: Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?
Penny: Well, no, not per se, but…
Sheldon: So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?
Penny: Let me get my cockamamie keys.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is being massaged by the robot hand.
Howard: Oh, God, that feels so good. Yeah, that’s the spot. Oh, baby.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, dinner’s ready!
Howard: I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thank you for driving me.
Penny: You’re welcome.
Sheldon: I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.
Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.
Penny: Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.
Penny: Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know.
Sheldon: I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.
Penny: My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.
Sheldon: If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?
Penny: Fair point.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know, there’s something I’ve always wondered about Aquaman.
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: Where does he poop?
Leonard: What?
Raj: What would a toilet look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go?
Leonard (phone rings): Hold that thought. Hey, Howard, what’s going on? What? Hold on, Howard, Howard, slow down. The robot hand is stuck on your what? (To Raj) You’re not going to believe this.
Scene: Penny’s car. Amy is now in the back seat.
Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you’re a neuro something-or-other.
Amy: Neurobiologist. Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yeah, it’s okay.
Amy: But the light indicates…
Sheldon: Don’t bother. I’ve wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
Penny: Um, what is that scent you’re wearing? It smells great.
Amy: Dandruff shampoo. I have dry scalp.
Penny: Ah. Well, your hair looks very nice.
Amy: Are you a h*m*?
Penny: No, no, I was just giving you a compliment.
Amy: Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a h*m*.
Penny: Guys, how ’bout some music?
Sheldon: Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy?
Amy: No, thank you.
Penny: Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Well, why don’t you tell her?
Sheldon: All right. It was hell.
Penny: Any follow up, Amy?
Amy: No.
Penny: I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
Penny: I don’t know. I was just trying something.
Sheldon: Muggles.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Raj: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Howard: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard: I’d suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
Howard: Not funny, Leonard.
Raj: Really? A robot hand’s got a death grip on your junk, dude. That’s funny, ask anyone.
Howard: Please, before my mother walks in, just get this off me!
Leonard: Okay, let’s see.
Howard: No, no! Don’t touch, the program is paused.
Leonard: Well, then let’s un-pause it.
Howard: No, no! I loaded the wrong program. The hand thinks it’s holding a screwdriver in outer space. If you continue the program, it’s gonna start twisting.
Raj: A-All right, um, how about this. When, when Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all grabbed onto him and pulled and pulled.
Leonard: You do what you want, I’m not touching another man’s honey tree.
Raj: All right, uh, forget pulling. How about we get an electric saw and cut it off?
Howard: What? No saws! One circumcision was enough.
Leonard: How about an acetylene torch?
Howard: Okay, I can’t believe this needs to be said out loud. No pulling, no saws, no torches.
Leonard: Well, then what do you want us to do?
Howard: I…
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends!
Howard: That’s great, Mom, thanks!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll bring them up with some Hawaiian Punch!
Howard: Don’t come up here!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Why not?! Are you ashamed of your mother?!
Howard: Yes, but that’s not the point! Get me out of here.
Leonard: You have any ideas, Raj?
Raj: Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: Hey, here’s another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.
Amy: That’s an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count.
Penny: So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh)
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.
Penny: What? Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you’ve made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.
Amy: Then 128.
Scene: A hospital,=.
Leonard: Okay, come on. Almost there.
Howard: Don’t tug. No tugging.
Raj: Next time, take your own advice.
Leonard: Excuse me, could you help us out?
Nurse: My, my, my. What do we have here?
Howard: I slipped and fell.
Nurse: Yeah, we get that a lot. What is this?
Howard: It’s a robot arm.
Nurse: Where’s the rest of the robot?
Howard: I only built the arm.
Nurse: ‘Cause that’s all you needed, right?
Howard: Can you please just help me?
Nurse: All right, all right. Hang on, stay calm. (Over PA system) I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man’s penis out here.
Howard: You think you could be a little more discreet?
Nurse: I’m sorry, we don’t have a code for robot hand grasping a man’s penis. Why is it hooked up to a computer?
Leonard: Uh, it’s what controls the arm.
Howard: But it’s frozen.
Nurse: Did you try turning it off and back on again?
Howard: No, you see, it’s more complicated than that. (Nurse switches off computer) No, wait! (The hand lets go) Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree.
Raj: Now can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.
Penny: I did not have sex with 31 guys.
Sheldon: I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.
Penny: And that is?
Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.
Penny: You’re still on that?
Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?
Penny: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you.
Sheldon: That’s no thr*at. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon: Curses.
Penny: If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night.
Sheldon: Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.
Leonard (on phone): Hey, Howard, what’s up?
Sheldon: I’ve decided not to procreate.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x01 - The Robotic Manipulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.
Leonard: Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?
Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.
Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?
Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.
Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?
Sheldon: k*lled by badger.
Leonard: How’s that?
Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.
Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?
Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.
Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.
Leonard: That long, huh?
Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.
Leonard: What’s there?
Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.
Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?
Sheldon: By this much.
Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?
Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard: What’s a dogapus?
Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.
Leonard: Is somebody working on that?
Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.
Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.
Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: What do we owe you?
Leonard: It came to $28.17. Let’s say six bucks apiece.
Howard: Here you go.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Never mind. I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard: It’s no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, no. You’re right. We’re not going out anymore, I should pay for myself. (After Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard laughs) What?
Howard: He said if he had woman parts, he’d eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn’t be able to talk to yourself. I’m a little low on cash.
Leonard: Hmm? How much you got?
Penny: Nothing.
Leonard: How can you walk around with no money?
Penny: I’m cute. I get by.
Leonard: It’s okay, you can owe me.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks.
Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.
Penny: But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night.
Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.
Howard: Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar?
Sheldon: It’s a small price to pay.
Penny: For what?
Leonard: No, no, don’t ask.
Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon: Correct.
Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon: Essentially, yes.
Penny: Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that?
Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.
Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before?
Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: No, it won’t. Um, how does he know I jog?
Howard: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
Penny: Oh, my God, that is so creepy!
Howard: I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.
Leonard: What the hell? What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.
Leonard: There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.
Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?
Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!
Leonard: Have you had your appendix out?
Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?
Leonard: Let’s get you to the hospital.
Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.
Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
Scene: The hallway.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees.
Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.
Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?
Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?
Penny: I don’t have one.
Sheldon: What about your pedometer?
Penny: Don’t have one.
Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Penny: Uh, no.
Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
Penny: No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.
Sheldon: Why are you doing that?
Penny: It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.
Sheldon: I am doing it.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?
Sheldon: We’ll never know.
Penny: Okay, let’s just warm up on the run.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Okay, let’s go.
Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!
Penny (squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay?
Sheldon: I think so.
Penny: Oh, let me help you up.
Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting)
Penny: Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here’s my chicken curry. Howard, your shrimp biryani.
Howard: Thank you, sir.
Leonard: Palak paneer, that’s Penny.
Penny: Thanks.
Leonard: And for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets.
Penny: Hey, what’s my share?
Leonard: Uh, 12 bucks.
Penny: Okay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: What am I up to now?
Leonard: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the t*nk of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars.
Penny (after Raj whispers to Howard and they both laugh): What now?
Howard: He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff.
Penny: It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!
Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us?
Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.
Leonard: Greetings, whatever the hell you are.
Sheldon-bot: I am a mobile virtual presence device. Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world. Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Really? That’s your question? When did he put a ramp in?
Sheldon-bot: You’re in my spot. This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you’ll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
Penny: Yeah, to be honest, I don’t see much difference.
Sheldon-bot: Thank you. That’s what I was going for. Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you’ll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs. For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m coming to talk to you.
Sheldon-bot: You don’t know where I am. My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.
Leonard: You’re in your bedroom.
Sheldon-bot: No, I’m not.
Leonard: I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom.
Sheldon-bot: No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only!
Penny: So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.
Leonard: I am looking at you.
Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.
Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.
Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.
Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.
Leonard: Fine, but don’t expect my help.
Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: No, it’s not.
Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.
Leonard: I’ll be damned.
Scene: Leonard’s car
Sheldon-bot: This is delightful.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon-bot: It’s much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery vehicular death.
Leonard: Refresh my memory. Why didn’t I just put you in the trunk?
Sheldon-bot: Because I called g*n. Remember?
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon-bot: You seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you.
Leonard: I don’t want to listen to music, Sheldon.
Sheldon-bot: Very well. I don’t understand why you’re not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we’re like Knight Rider.
Leonard: Except in Knight Rider, the car isn’t a yammering sphincter.
Sheldon-bot: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn’t survive. There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
Leonard: I was wrong, this is exactly like Knight Rider.
Sheldon-bot: Perhaps you’d be interested in a different game.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon-bot: This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I’ve introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I’ll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go.
Leonard: That’s it. Bye-bye. (Turns off screen.)
Sheldon-bot (screen switching itself back on): Bazinga.
Leonard: Whoa!
Sheldon-bot: I have an override switch.
Leonard: I almost died!
Sheldon-bot : And I’m safe and sound in bed. Who’s crazy now?
Leonard: I’m still going to go with you.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Sheldon-bot : Hello, Professor Hoskins. Nice to see you, Mindy. Konichi-wa Dr. Nakamora. Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory. Leonard, my door.
Leonard: What about it?
Sheldon-bot : Be a lamb and open it for me.
Leonard: Why? What’s the problem?
Sheldon-bot : You think you have me stymied, don’t you?
Leonard: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
Howard: Oh, look, it’s Leonard and R2-D-Bag.
Raj: That’s my joke. I told it last night. You can’t just use it.
Sheldon-bot : Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Raj: Oh, sure.
Sheldon-bot : He’s a lamb. You’re not.
Raj: I’m a lamb.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon-bot : Isn’t this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin.
Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj: That’s two, dude. Write your own jokes.
Penny: Oh, great. Hi, I’m Penny, I’ll be your waitress.
Leonard: Why are you introducing yourself?
Penny: I’d rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever.
Sheldon-bot : Can you tell me the specials this evening?
Penny: Sheldon, I’m not waiting on you.
Sheldon-bot: Obviously. I don’t even have water yet.
Penny: Because you’re not here.
Sheldon-bot: That’s discrimination against the otherwise located. I’m going to have to go over your head. Manager, manager. Oh, Lord, look who it is.
Howard: Is that Steve Wozniak?
Leonard: I think it is.
Sheldon-bot : The Great and Powerful Woz.
Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the cofounders of Apple Computer. He and Steve Jobs started it…
Penny: Yeah, I know who he is. I watch Dancing with the Stars.
Sheldon-bot : I must speak to him.
Leonard: Of course you must.
Penny: You know, there’s an Olive Garden down the street. You guys should try it sometime.
Sheldon-bot : Excuse me, Mr. Wozniak?
Steve Wozniak: Oh, hey. Nice virtual presence device.
Sheldon-bot : Thank you. I just want to say I’m a big fan. You’re my fifteenth favourite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only fifteenth?
Sheldon-bot : It’s still six spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
Sheldon-bot : One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple Two. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Steve Wozniak: Thanks, we were sh**ting for nifty. You know, if you had it here, I’d autograph it for you.
Sheldon-bot: Don’t move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running.
Steve Wozniak: Nerds.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.
Sheldon: I’m coming, Woz, I’m coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon-bot approaches Penny’s door and starts bashing into it.
Sheldon-bot : (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny.
Penny: What up, Shel-Bot?
Sheldon-bot: I can’t get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
Penny: What do you want me to do?
Sheldon-bot: Sing me Soft Kitty.
Penny: Really, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor?
Sheldon-bot: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Sheldon-bot: Closer to the microphone.
Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy…
Sheldon-bot: No. You have to start over.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x02 - The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplifica"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: All right, I’m ready for my next question.
Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World w*r?
Sheldon: Uganda.
Amy: Defend.
Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When w*r breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a w*apon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?
Amy: Tuned bayonets.
Sheldon: Defend.
Amy: Isn’t it obvious?
Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.
Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?
Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.
Amy: We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.
Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.
Leonard: All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl.
Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard: Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know.
Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.
Leonard: I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.
Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Leonard: What?
Amy: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?
Leonard: This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.
Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should’ve been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.
Leonard: You bumped the table and you know it.
Amy: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We’ll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
Leonard: I’m going to my room.
Amy: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don’t tell us where you’re hiding.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Leonard: Did you guys see the paper in The American Physics Journal on supersolids? It’s pretty interesting. This guy’s working from a hypothesis where…
Raj: Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert.
Leonard: What?
Raj: Don’t ruin it for me, man. I printed out a PDF to read on the potty.
Howard: On the potty? What are you, five?
Raj: It’s a potty. What do you call it?
Howard: Toilet.
Raj: That’s a little vulgar for the dinner table, don’t you think?
Howard: Oh, and potty is okay?
Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard: What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj: If I don’t have to boom-boom.
Sheldon: Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: Nice to see you.
Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Sorry we’re late.
Amy: I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies.
Howard: Ah, ah.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I believe she’s experiencing her menses.
Amy: Actually, I’m not. In order to avoid surprises, I wear them all the time.
Leonard: Ah, ah.
Howard: Okay. Toilet’s sounding pretty good now, huh?
Penny: Hey, look, it’s Shamy.
Amy: Shamy?
Sheldon: A juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon and Amy, Shamy.
Amy: Oh. I don’t like that. Don’t do that.
Penny: All righty. What’s new?
Amy: Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that.
Penny: I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?
Amy: Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order?
Sheldon: I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.
Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.
Sheldon: It’s how they lure you in. I believe it’s called bait and switch.
Penny: Okay, I’m just gonna walk away, ’cause I don’t want to be here.
Leonard: So, this is nice. First time we’ve all gotten together to eat.
Amy: You’re right, he’s a festival of humdrum chitchat.
Leonard: Okay, that’s all I got. Howard, you’re up.
Howard: Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
Amy: I doubt you’d understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master’s degree.
Howard: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?
Amy: I’m curious as to why we’re not eating alone.
Sheldon: They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend?
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.
Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.
Leonard: Yeah, not my point.
Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.
Leonard: Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious.
Sheldon: So?
Leonard: So we already have you for all that.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?
Leonard: No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.
Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.
Leonard: Suffered in silence?
Sheldon: Yes. And I’d thank you to do the same.
Leonard: Really? Silence?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Ah. Nothing makes beer taste better than cool clear Rocky Mountain spring water. Where are the Rocky Mountains, anyway?
Howard: Philadelphia.
Raj: Really? I thought they were out West someplace.
Howard: Think about it, Raj. Where did the movie Rocky take place?
Raj: Philadelphia. Okay, now I get it.
Penny: So this is the plan? From now on, we’re just gonna hide out in here to avoid the Shamy?
Raj: I’m very comfortable here. Penny, dear, why don’t you sh**t another silver b*llet my way?
Penny: Get one yourself.
Raj: Ooh, somebody’s been taking bitchy pills.
Penny: God, he’s an ass when he drinks.
Howard: Oh, he’s an ass when he doesn’t. You just don’t hear it.
Leonard: I think we need to start entertaining the possibility that the Shamy could go on for years.
Raj: Well, if that’s the case, Penny will have to get satellite TV and maybe once a week run a vacuum through this place.
Penny: I thought you were going to talk to Sheldon.
Leonard: I did.
Penny: Well, what’d he say?
Leonard: Well, he pointed out that he kinda, sorta had to put up with you.
Penny: Kinda, sorta had to?
Leonard: I didn’t agree with him.
Penny: Well, you defended me, right?
Leonard: I tried, but (Penny starts rubbing her foot with a pumice stone) he made a fairly well-reasoned argument.
Howard: You’re not doing that right.
Penny: What?
Howard: Gimme.
Penny: No.
Howard: Trust me.
Penny: No!
Howard: I do this for my mom all the time. See? With the grain.
Penny: Wow, that is better.
Howard: And someday, when you have varicose veins, I’ll show you how to massage them.
Scene: The University Cafeteria.
Raj: Oh, God, never again.
Leonard: I assume by never again, you mean never again will you drink all of Penny’s beer, then run down to the gas station for a couple of 40s, a box of Slim Jims and the latest issue of b*mb Badonkadonks.
Raj: I was homesick.
Howard: The highlight of the evening was when you showed us your Bollywood break dancing skills. (Does a stereotyped impersonation of Bollywood dancing.)
Raj: That’s very offensive.
Howard: Yeah, we all thought so.
Leonard: Oh, no.
Howard: What?
Leonard: John and Yoko.
Howard: More like Yoko and Yoko.
Sheldon: Greetings.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.
Amy: It’s very impressive, for theoretical work.
Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?
Amy: I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.
Leonard and Howard together: Oooh!
Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?
Amy: I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.
Sheldon: You take that back.
Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so…
Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.
Amy: Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.
Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!
Amy: We appear to have reached an impasse.
Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.
Amy: Seconded.
Sheldon: There being no objections…
All: No, uh-uh.
Sheldon: The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Amy: Good day, Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.
Sheldon: Amen to that.
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: I hear you broke up with Amy.
Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.
Penny: Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing?
Sheldon: Regarding what?
Penny: Amy.
Sheldon: I don’t follow.
Penny: Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough.
Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.
Penny: Okay. Good.
Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a pussycat.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: I gotta tell you guys, I’m a little worried about Sheldon.
Howard: We’re all a little worried about Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I mean since the Shamy h*t a reef.
Howard: Oh, I thought you were just making a generalization, you know, I’m worried about Sheldon someday setting off a low-yield nuclear device because the cafeteria ran out of lime Jell-O.
Raj: What does h*t a reef mean?
Leonard: Uh, went splitsville.
Raj: Pardon?
Leonard: Turned to boom-boom.
Raj: Ah.
Leonard: I think Sheldon really misses Amy.
Howard: You should lend him your copy of b*mb Badonkadonks.
Leonard: He got a cat to keep him company.
Raj: You’re kidding.
Leonard: He takes it everywhere, to bed, to the bathroom.
Raj: He takes the kitty to the potty?
Howard: I thought we discussed the P-word.
Raj: Don’t try to change me, dude. I am what I am.
Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen.
Howard: Hey. Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend?
Sheldon: My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
Howard: Hello.
Raj: Hi.
Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic b*mb wants a saucer of milk.
Howard: Okay, I get it. We’re worried about Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard arrives.
Leonard: Hey. (Turns to see Sheldon now has five cats) Oh, no.
Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.
Leonard: So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project?
Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.
Leonard: Zazzles?
Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.
Leonard: Okay, we need to talk.
Sheldon: About what?
Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon: Clowder.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.
Leonard: Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.
Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.
Leonard: Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.
Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. It was mutual!
Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.
Sheldon: You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan. All right, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that’s not fancy at all.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Thanks for coming.
Mrs Cooper: Where is he?
Leonard: He’s in his bedroom.
Mrs Cooper: Now, when you said on the phone he broke up with a girl, you meant an actual girl, not something you kids whipped up in a lab?
Leonard: No, she’s real.
Mrs Cooper: Did they sin?
Leonard: No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.
Leonard: Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door)
Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.)
Leonard: Surprise.
Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.
Mrs Cooper: My, my, that’s a powerful smell.
Sheldon: I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…
Mrs Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ‘em cute Jewish names.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Mrs Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.
Sheldon: I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.
Mrs Cooper: You should have called sooner.
Scene: The kitchen.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly! Dinner’s ready!
Sheldon: Coming!
Mrs Cooper: No cats!
Sheldon: Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here?
Mrs Cooper: I called her.
Amy: Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.
Sheldon: Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties.
Leonard (pretending to sneeze): 25 cats!
Mrs Cooper: Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk.
Sheldon: All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.
Mrs Cooper: Then stop talking.
Sheldon: Yes, ma’am.
Mrs Cooper: Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other.
Sheldon: That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it.
Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.
Amy: Excellent point.
Sheldon: A physics point.
Amy: Touche.
Mrs Cooper: Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you.
Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.
Amy: I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.
Sheldon: I’ll go as high as 40.
Amy: Sixty-five.
Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?
Amy: I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.
Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats?
Amy: I would. I love cats. They’re the epitome of indifference.
Sheldon: Ah, then you may find Zazzles a little cloying.
Leonard: I saw what you did there.
Mrs Cooper: He thinks he’s such a smarty pants. He’s no different from any man. You tell ‘em not to do something, that’s all they want to do. If I hadn’t told my brother Stumpy not to clear out the wood chipper by hand, we’d still be calling him Edward. Now, don’t you move. I’ll bring over all the food.
Leonard: No, no, no, I can do it.
Mrs Cooper: Well, isn’t that sweet?
Scene: Outside. Sheldon is sitting at a table with a sign reading “Cats $20”)
Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.
Amy: Next!
Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.
Amy: Next! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x03 - The Zazzy Substitution"} | foreverdreaming |
: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: I’m telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.
Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
Raj: Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.
Sheldon: You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.
Howard (laughs): I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.
Raj: Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…
Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, no, no. He won. Suck it up.
Penny: Well, I’d ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn’t eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn’t tell me. Howard won’t order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard’s lactose intolerant, so he can’t eat anything here without his intestines bl*wing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can’t eat melon.
Penny: Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.
Leonard: When was the last time you saw her?
Howard: Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table).
Bernadette: Hi, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj: It’s one of his best moves.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard enters in a silk dressing gown, puts on romantic music and sets up mood lighting. Gets onto bed.
Howard: So, my dear, we meet again.
Katee Sackhoff: Hello, Howard. I’ve missed you.
Howard: I’ve missed you, Katee Sackhoff.
Katee Sackhoff: One question.
Howard: Anything.
Katee Sackhoff: Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?
Howard: Why are you in bed with me? If we start to question this, it all falls apart.
Katee Sackhoff: Sorry. Oh, ravish me, Howard. My loins ache for you.
Howard: Okay, if you insist.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, have you seen my girdle?!
Howard: No, Ma!
Mrs Wolowitz: I can’t find it, and I’m late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard: Maybe it committed su1c1de! Leave me alone! Now, where were we?
Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Well, if I had to guess, I’d say I’m here because you saw me earlier this evening, and you’re still hung up on me.
Howard: No, I’m not.
Bernadette: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we’d be done by now.
Howard: Okay, I’m a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh, my. Can I help?
Howard: Not that kind of confused.
Bernadette: What’s George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent h*m* tendencies?
Howard: No, of course not.
George Takei: So you say. Yet, here I am.
Katee Sackhoff: George, let me ask you something. How did you deal with being typecast as a science fiction icon?
George Takei: It’s difficult. You try and stretch as an actor, do Strindberg, O’Neill, but all they want is, Course laid in, Captain.
Katee Sackhoff: Tell me about it. It’s frackin’ frustrating.
Howard: Wait. Katee, why are you leaving?
Bernadette: She’s leaving because you really want to be with me.
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Howard: Great, Ma!
Mrs Wolowitz: I think it shrunk! I’m spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
Howard: And with that mental picture, I think we’re done for the evening.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Leonard: You know, you never told me what happened between you and Bernadette.
Howard: I did a stupid thing.
Leonard: Yeah, I guessed that.
Howard: It was the kind of thing that makes it kind of hard to face her now.
Leonard: That covers anything from farting in bed to k*lling a homeless guy. Oh, my God. You ran over a hobo.
Howard: No. Stop asking.
Leonard: All right, fine. So you want to get back together with her, but you’re too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did.
Howard: In a nutshell.
Leonard: Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you.
Howard: Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.
Raj: You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk?
Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.
Raj: You have a desk.
Sheldon: Correct.
Raj: But I can’t have one.
Sheldon: You’re two for two.
Leonard: Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.
Raj: Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow sh**ting r*fle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Okay, what if he buys his own desk?
Raj: Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Because…
Raj: Yes?
Sheldon: It’s my office.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.
Raj: And I can put it in your office?
Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?
Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is gathering laundry.
Penny (picking up a top and sniffing it): Ah, it’s okay.
Sheldon (voice): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny opens door. Howard is stood outside with a hand-held voice recorder.) Penny?
Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.
Howard: I just have a question. Does Bernadette ever talk about me?
Penny: Oh, absolutely.
Howard: She does?
Penny: Yeah, sure. Just yesterday, she asked, why is Howard hiding under the table?
Howard: She saw that, huh?
Penny: Oh, no, not at first. Right after I pointed it out.
Howard: Let me ask you something else. Is she seeing anybody?
Penny: Uh, not that I know of. Hey, while we’re on the subject, why did you guys break up anyway?
Howard: Oh, I’d rather not say.
Penny: Howard, if you want my help, I’ve got to know what happened.
Howard: But it’s embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that’s what I’m counting on. Spill.
Howard: Okay. Well, you know World of Warcraft?
Penny: Um, the online game? Sure.
Howard: Well, did you know that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?
Penny: Oh, God. I think I see where this is going.
Howard: Her name was Glissinda the Troll. Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber-nasty under the Bridge of Souls.
Penny: Oh, you’re right. That is so embarrassing.
Howard: Would you talk to her?
Penny: Bernadette or the troll?
Howard: Bernadette. She was so mad at me, she wouldn’t even listen to my side of the story.
Penny: Well, what was your side?
Howard: Well, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn’t even a real woman. I mean, she could’ve been a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey.
Penny: Really? And that didn’t make her feel better?
Howard: Will you talk to her, see if there’s any chance at all we could get back together?
Penny: Oh, gee, Howard, I really don’t want to get in the middle of this.
Howard: No. Why would you? I’m just another lonely nerd, living with his mother, trying to find any scrap of happiness he can. You know, maybe to make up for the fact that his dad left him when he was 11.
Penny: Okay, I will think about it.
Howard: You know, I’ve always blamed myself for him leaving. I always thought it was because I wasn’t the son he wanted.
Penny: Yeah, I said I’d think about it.
Howard: I wasn’t athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly.
Penny: Okay, fine. Look, look, I’m calling her now! See?
Howard: Thank you.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Leonard: So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.
Sheldon: One question.
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Why on earth are you telling me all this?
Leonard: I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.
(Sheldon opens his office door. It bangs against a desk. Inside, Raj is sat behind a huge, ornate antique wooden desk in an enormous antique swivel chair.)
Raj: You said I could buy a desk.
Sheldon: This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.
Raj: Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk?
Sheldon: It’s actually British.
Raj: Can you say it again for me?
Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.
Raj: One more time?
Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.
Raj: Now three times fast?
Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?
Raj: That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.
Sheldon: All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.
Sheldon: All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.
Raj: Knock yourself out.
Sheldon: Help me move my desk.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No. It’s too Brobdingnagian.
Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.
Raj: Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on.
Sheldon: All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat.
Raj: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
Raj: No. See what I did there? I turned it around.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Bernadette: Sorry, I had to clock out.
Howard: Oh, no, that’s okay. How have you been?
Bernadette: Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You?
Howard: Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I’m terrified of the ocean.
Bernadette: Too bad.
Howard: You wouldn’t know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy’s large? Yeah, forget it. Not important. So, are you seeing anyone?
Bernadette: Well, to be honest, I…
Penny: Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink?
Howard: Not for me, thanks.
Bernadette: I’m okay.
Penny: Are you gonna want to order food?
Howard: Maybe later.
Penny: Okay.
Howard: So, are you seeing anybody?
Bernadette: No.
Penny: That’s what I told him when he asked me. I hope that’s not out of line.
Bernadette: No, it’s fine.
Howard: Penny, can we have a little privacy?
Penny: Oh. I’m sorry.
Bernadette: What about you, have you been seeing anybody?
Howard: Well, you know how it is with guys. I mean, we have needs and…
Bernadette: So you’ve been seeing other girls?
Howard: Well, not real girls.
Bernadette: Does that mean slutty trolls?
Penny: You know, you look thirsty. I brought you some iced tea.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Penny: It’s passion fruit, new on the menu.
Bernadette: I know. I work here.
Penny: Oh, sorry. Yeah, you’re right. Doy. So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay?
Howard: Isn’t there somewhere else you can be?
Penny: Not where I can hear you guys.
Howard: Okay, fine. I’ll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. But the only reason I go there, the only reason I’ve ever gone there is because I don’t have a real woman in my life. You happy?
Penny: Yeah, that’ll hold me for a while.
Bernadette: Howard, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll’s brains out.
Howard: Yeah, but we weren’t, I-I mean, you and I never…
Bernadette: Had sex?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Well, whose fault was that?
Penny: Complimentary nachos! You enjoy. Never had sex? Wow.
Howard: What do you mean, whose fault was that?
Bernadette: Well, we could’ve been having sex, but you never made the move.
Howard: I didn’t think you wanted me to make the move.
Bernadette: Howard, a girl doesn’t go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter and your tight hoochie pants if she’s not expecting him to eventually make the move.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Really.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Penny: Hey, this is a little awkward, but my manager says I can’t actually give nachos away. So, just take that when you’re ready.
Scene: University corridor.
Howard: Yeah, we had a really great talk, and we’re gonna start seeing each other again.
Leonard: Oh, congratulations. Have you broken it to the troll yet?
Howard: Did Penny tell you about that?
Leonard: No. Steve Patterson told me.
Howard: The greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How’d he know about it?
Leonard: He’s Glissinda the troll.
Raj (voice): Sorry, dude, the thermostat’s on my side of the room, so it stays Mumbai hot in here until you turn off that stupid Indian music!
Sheldon (voice): I’ll turn off the music when you get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet!
Raj (voice): Oh, too bad! Sheldon’s pathologically afraid of birds! Hey, look, Sheldon! Birdie, birdie, birdie!
Sheldon (voice): That’s it! Prepare for marshmallow death!
Raj (voice): Eat flaming Nerf! (Imitates g*n)
Leonard: So anyway, that’s great news about you and Bernadette.
Howard: Yeah. I think I’m gonna take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Ah. Well, I guess for you guys that’s like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes? Really? You’re, like, a quarter of an inch taller than me.
Leonard: Yeah, and don’t you forget it.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: I had a good time.
Bernadette: Me, too.
Katee Sackhoff: Kiss her good night. All right, now a little tongue.
George Takei: Hold on there. We’ve only just rekindled the romance. Let’s not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva.
Katee Sackhoff: Don’t listen to him. She wants it. Tongue. Luh-luh-luh-luh-luh. See? Now make the move.
George Takei: Mm-mmm. Too soon.
Katee Sackhoff: Trust me, she’s ready. Make the move.
George Takei: No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly.
Katee Sackhoff: How would you know?
George Takei: I read.
Katee Sackhoff: Listen to me, Howard, it’s time. Make the move, now.
Bernadette: Mm! What are you doing?
Howard: You said, well, the move, remember?
Bernadette: Oh, not now. We’re starting a new relationship. I need to get to know you again.
Howard: No, you don’t. It’s me. The lusty charmer with the fancy patter and the hoochie pants.
Bernadette: Be patient, we’ll get there.
George Takei: Told you.
Scene: University corridor.
Leonard: Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
Raj: It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out.
Raj: Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.
Leonard: Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Isn’t that flammable?
Sheldon: Highly. Oh, dear. (expl*si*n)
Raj: This is not over. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x04 - The Hot Troll Deviation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.
Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.
Leonard: So what’s going on with you two?
Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.
Leonard: Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.
Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little.
Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.
Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?
Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Leonard: Oh, right. That.
Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Leonard: I’m not jealous.
Sheldon: Hu-u-urgh! Leonard not jealous.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard: Probably. What’s your point?
Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much.
Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard: Um, shut up.
Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.
Leonard: That sounds lovely.
Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.
Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.
Leonard: Fine. If I don’t meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.
Sheldon: It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre. We’d never put Meemaw in a home!
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Sheldon: All right, I’ll bow to social pressure. Hey!
Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. That’s my girlfriend, Bernadette. I assigned her her own ringtone, Bernadette by The Four Tops. Hello, Bernadette.
Raj: When I call him, his phone plays Brown Eyed Girl. Which, now that I think about it, is not so good.
Leonard: You realize he’s just rubbing our noses in the fact that he has a girlfriend, and we don’t.
Rai: You mean, you don’t.
Leonard: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can’t even speak to women.
Raj: Two words, deaf chick. It doesn’t matter if I can’t talk, because she can’t hear me.
Leonard: What?
Raj: That’s what she said.
Leonard: Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…
Sheldon: No, no, no, no!
Leonard: …who’s a friend.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: What about you, Stuart? You have a girlfriend yet?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in the world where saying I own a comic bookstore is an actual pickup line.
Leonard: Oh. Well, good for you.
Stuart: Not really. She’s horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?
Leonard: Why don’t you just break up with her?
Stuart: No, no, I can’t.
Leonard: Why not?
Stuart: ‘Cause then I’d be alone, like you.
Raj: Dude, why don’t you just invoke your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz?
Leonard: Because I don’t need his girlfriend to set me up with one of her girlfriends. I’m perfectly capable of finding a girl on my own.
Raj: Oh, Leonard, you remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women’s correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that will allow the female convicts to go free.
Leonard: You’re saying I couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons.
Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is stretched face down on the sofa.
Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.
Amy (on webcam): May I offer an observation?
Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?
Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.
Leonard: That was two hours ago.
Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.
Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.
Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?
Leonard: No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.
Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?
Leonard: Right.
Amy: That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example.
Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?
Leonard (exiting the apartment): Keep going. I’m listening.
Amy: That was rude.
Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.
Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.
Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.
Amy: Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.
Amy: Wait. I have a request.
Sheldon: Yes?
Amy: I’d like you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?
Amy: Certainly. Good night.
Sheldon: Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah, what?
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You can’t say that anymore.
Sheldon: Wait. What?
Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.
Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!
Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it?
Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.
Leonard: That is insane.
Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.
Leonard: Okay, good luck.
Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There you go.
Sheldon: Amy’s right. He is tedious.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Leonard rings bell.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, get the door!
Howard (off): Why can’t you get it?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You know I’m doing a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy! I’m like an upside-down volcano here.
Howard: Oh, hey. I hope you didn’t hear that.
Leonard: The volcano thing? No.
Howard: What’s with the T-shirt? You working at the Apple store now?
Leonard: No, it’s just something I threw on.
Howard: I know all your shirts. That’s not one of them. You were pretending to work at the Genius Bar to pick up women, weren’t you?
Leonard: Yeah. Turns out, they guard the iPods, but they don’t guard the shirts.
Howard: So, how’d it go?
Leonard: It was going well. I was showing this super hot girl how to boot up in Safe Mode. The manager got suspicious, and, well, long story short, they really do have a little jail in the mall.
Howard: Just FYI, don’t try to go back with a fake moustache. I mean, they may not really be geniuses, but they see right through that.
Leonard: I want to invoke the girlfriend pact, Howard.
Howard: You that desperate?
Leonard: No, I just, I want what you have. You know, I want a woman in my life.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Holy Moses, how much liquid can be in one tukus?
Leonard: To be clear, I meant like Bernadette, not your mother.
Howard: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Well, I’m off to meet Bernadette’s friend. How do I look?
Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.
Leonard: What are you working on?
Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Ah, you’re going off the grid.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Leonard: The old b*mb approach. Kudos.
Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.
Leonard: What if she just comes over?
Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.
Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon: Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.
Leonard (there is a knock on the door): Who is it?
Amy (off): Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: Darn! She found me!
Leonard: She’s been here before.
Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.
Leonard: What do you want to do?
Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.
Leonard: Okay, where are you?
Sheldon: I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.
Leonard: Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.
Amy: All right. (Leaves)
Sheldon: Way to go on the details.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold.
Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold?
Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing.
Girl (arriving): Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at the gym. Spin class. Worked up quite a sweat.
Bernadette: Joy, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is Joy.
Leonard: Hi.
Joy: Hi. You don’t look like a genius. Go ahead, say something smart.
Leonard: Uh…
Joy: Aah! Time’s up. Just kidding. First thing you need to know about me, I’m hilarious.
Leonard: Yeah. So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from self-defence classes?
Joy: Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga. Lots of fun. Basically, a hundred different ways to rip a guy’s nuts off.
Leonard: Wow. Wouldn’t think there’d be that many.
Joy: Number 42!
Leonard: Whoa!
Bernadette: Isn’t she a pip?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon (rhythmically, while walking down the stairs): Proxima Centauri’s the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard’s Star, Wolf 359, Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B, BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154, Ross 248, Epsilon Eridani, Lac-9352, Ross 128, Procyon A, oh, darn, that’s wrong! (Heads back up stairs) EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A. Those are the stars that are nearest to me. Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee. (Sees Amy standing in lobby) Oh, dear. They really do be crazy.
Scene: The restaurant.
Joy (burping): This lobster’s good on the way down and the way up.
Leonard: Should be, it’s thirty dollars a pound.
Joy: Hey, this is a date, right?
Leonard: Yep, it is.
Joy: 73!
Leonard: Whoa!
Joy: Excuse me, I have to go to the little girls’ room and take a wicked whiz.
Bernadette: I’ll go with you.
Joy: Fair warning, I had the asparagus. My pee is gonna stink up the place.
Howard: I think she likes you.
Scene: The stairwell. Amy is sitting on the bottom step.
Sheldon (wearing a heavy coat and false nose and glasses): EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, excuse me, madam.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Rats!
Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy: In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.
Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?
Amy: Precisely.
Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?
Amy: Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.
Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Amy: Sheldon, please, you’re suffocating me.
Sheldon: My apologies. Good night, Amy.
Amy: Good night, Sheldon.
Scene: The restaurant.
Howard: Come on, just give her a chance. Maybe she’ll grow on you.
Leonard: Or maybe she’ll finally succeed in ripping my nuts off. There are still 93 ways she hasn’t tried yet. Look, Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is, like, the worst date of my life.
Howard: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on J-Date, and that didn’t even crack my top ten.
Leonard: I guess the difference is, I have some self-respect.
Howard: Not that I’ve ever seen.
Leonard: It’s relatively new. I just know that I’m not gonna spend time with someone I don’t like simply to have a girlfriend. I’m okay on my own.
Joy: Good news, I made lots of room for dessert.
Leonard: Look, uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but…
Joy: Yeah, you, too. Hey, you got anything for next weekend? I need a date for my cousin’s wedding.
Leonard: You’re asking me out?
Joy: Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away.
Leonard: I look forward to it.
Scene: The apartment.
Mrs Fowler (on webcam): It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Mrs Fowler: What?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
Mrs Fowler: Amy, what is he saying?
Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.
Mrs Fowler: Oh!
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well.
Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x05 - The Desperation Emanation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Gagh!
Leonard: Problem?
Howard: This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.
Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.
Raj: Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.
Priya: Oh, Sheldon. You haven’t changed a bit, have you?
Sheldon: Why would I change?
Leonard: The hope has been that you’d eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA?
Priya: I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.
Raj: Can you believe it? Little Priya’s one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.
Sheldon: Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible.
Leonard: And your poll numbers just keep dropping.
Priya: I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo.
Leonard: I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.
Raj: Alright, this goes without saying, but I’m just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister.
Sheldon: Why would I touch her, she’s covered with airplane germs.
Raj: I’m so not talking to you. I’m talking to him.
Howard: Hey, I’ve got a girlfriend now.
Raj: Oh please. My sister’s much hotter than your girlfriend and you know it.
Howard: Let’s just agree they’re both hot.
Raj: Dude, that’s my sister you’re talking about.
Howard: Okay, forget who’s hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would h*t on her.
Raj: Did you pinky swear?
Howard: Yes.
Raj: Okay then.
Sheldon: Cobbler. I’m still laughing.
Scene: A corridor.
Priya: It’s really nice to see you again Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah. It’s good to see you too. Here you go.
Priya: Thanks. (Grabs him and kisses him.)
Leonard: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. (Looks around.) Okay.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So, you got any special plans with your sister?
Raj: Oh, not really, just hang out.
Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.
Raj: Train day?
Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
Raj: I don’t think we’re going to do that.
Sheldon: Well then apparently, you hate fun.
Leonard: Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?
Raj: Uh, my plans with Priya.
Sheldon: He rejected train day.
Leonard: Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?
Sheldon: Abundantly.
Leonard: I guess he just hates fun.
Sheldon: That’s what I said.
Priya: Okay, so, what’s new with you guys.
Howard: I have a girlfriend now.
Priya: Hey, good for you.
Howard: Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods).
Leonard: So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.
Priya: I don’t know, I just have the one day.
Sheldon: Do you like trains?
Priya: Not particularly.
Sheldon: You might as well just wait at the airport for your flight.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on his laptop.
Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.
Leonard: It’s getting pretty late, how come you’re still up?
Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.
Leonard: That’s pretty cool.
Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.
Leonard: You’ve really got to get out more.
Sheldon: Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, k*ll troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.
Priya (at door): Raj finally went to bed.
Leonard: Yeah, well, (kissing her) Sheldon’s still up.
Priya: You said he goes to bed at nine.
Leonard: Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and…
Sheldon: h*t troll with axe. h*t troll with axe. h*t troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.
Priya: Can’t you get rid of him?
Leonard: If the past is any indication, no.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.
Leonard: Drop axe.
Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.
Leonard: Give me a minute. Sheldon,
Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to work in the morning.
Sheldon: I know.
Leonard: Well then, bed mister.
Sheldon: Five more minutes.
Leonard: Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.
Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.
Leonard: You don’t want that, do you?
Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?
Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.
Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.
Leonard: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work.
Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.
Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.
Leonard (to Priya): We’re going to have to be very quiet.
Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: You’re right, you’re lost, good luck.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Morning.
Priya: Oh! Leonard, wake up.
Leonard: Huh! Sorry!
Priya: For what?
Leonard: I don’t know. When I’m in bed with a girl, it’s just, it’s my go to response.
Priya: It’s six o’ clock, I have to get back to Raj’s before he wakes up and realises I’m gone.
Leonard: Oh, right, sure. I wish you could stay in LA a while longer.
Priya: Mmm. Me too.
Leonard: You know, I was thinking, there are some great research facilities in India.
Priya: Where are you going with this, Leonard?
Leonard: Well, I’m just saying, I don’t have any real ties here, so if I were to move to New Delhi we could, you know, go out.
Priya: Leonard, didn’t we have this conversation five years ago.
Leonard: Well, yes, but, things have changed, you know, you’re older, I’m older. Look, no more superhero bedsheets.
Priya: Sweetheart, just because we have fun when I come to town doesn’t mean I want to have a serious relationship.
Leonard: It doesn’t?
Priya: Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India.
Leonard: I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.
Priya: Aha, you’re funny.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.
Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.
Leonard: Air freshener.
Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.
Leonard: Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash.
Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great.
Sheldon: Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.
Leonard: Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go.
Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?
Leonard: Uh, cream.
Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?
Leonard: Without.
Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.
Leonard: Fine. With.
Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.
Leonard: Use your best judgement.
Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.
Leonard: Sounds great.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.
Leonard (whispering): Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)
Sheldon: Priya?
Priya: Good morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Making pretty good time, huh?
Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?
Leonard: Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister.
Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?
Leonard: No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister.
Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?
Leonard: Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj.
Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.
Leonard: Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard.
Sheldon: And Raj.
Leonard: Alright, and Raj.
Sheldon: And me.
Leonard: You?
Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.
Leonard: Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena.
Sheldon: You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.
Leonard: My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.
Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: You know I can’t keep a secret.
Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right?
Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard: Because, well, Batman has the secret.
Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Sheldon: Ta-da!
Leonard: What.
Sheldon: Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da!
Leonard: Kind of busy here, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I know, that’s why I shortened it.
Leonard: What do you want.
Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.
Leonard: What alibi?
Sheldon: You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.
Leonard: Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with?
Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.
Leonard (reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him): Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.
Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.
Mechanical voice on Sheldon’s phone: Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.
Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.
Leonard: An orang-u-tan?
Sheldon: Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t need an alibi. Nobody’s going to ask about last night as long as you just zip your lip. (Sheldon makes lip zipping movement.) Thankyou. Now don’t worry, everything is going to be fine. (Sheldon writes “I doubt it” on Leonard’s whiteboard.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister’s never been attracted to him.
Leonard: C’mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she’s attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.
Sheldon: And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya’s preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.
Raj: Hey, so what did you guys think of the new episode of Caprica last night?
Leonard: I didn’t see it.
Howard: Didn’t see it? What were you doing?
Leonard: Uh, I was out.
Raj: On Caprica night?
Leonard: Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink.
Howard: Really, you, and where, where did you go?
Leonard: To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?
Leonard: As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it.
Sheldon: Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.
Leonard: Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
Sheldon: Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.
Raj: What were you doing with Priya?
Sheldon: I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?
Raj: What? You slept with my sister?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How could you? We had a pact!
Raj: Excuse me, I think how could you she’s my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!
Sheldon: May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.
Leonard: Look, I admit it, I may have crossed a line here, but come on, Raj, your sister is a grown woman. To her, I’m a forbidden piece of white chocolate.
Raj: I… I don’t believe it, this is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
Leonard: No, no, no, would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it.
Raj: How hard did she stomp?
Leonard: Very hard.
Raj: Okay, I’m good.
Howard: Yeah, well, Raj, I just want to say that I’d never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Mmm.
Leonard: Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj: Dude! I put that thing on my face!
Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Howard: Hey, I didn’t see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker.
Raj: That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!
Howard: And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food.
Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.
Leonard: You put moths in my food?
Sheldon: For science.
Raj: I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.
Leonard: Well, uh, I can’t believe you used Sheldon’s toothbrush.
Sheldon: You used my toothbrush?
Raj: Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
Leonard: Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact.
Howard: Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.
Raj: As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush.
Sheldon: And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.
Raj: I got you a talking Thomas the t*nk Engine for Thanksgiving.
Sheldon: With real puffing smoke?
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: Alright. But I’m watching you.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making snowcones.
Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone?
Sheldon: Well, sure.
Leonard: These are pretty god, what flavour is this?
Sheldon: Guess.
Leonard: Papaya?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Guava?
Sheldon: You’re so close.
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x06 - The Irish Pub Formulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The University Cafeteria.
Leonard: No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?
Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.
Leonard: My problem is, I don’t project confidence. So I decided that the next time I meet a woman I think is attractive, rather than holding back and being cautious, I’m going to assume the mantle of self-assurance.
Raj: Oh, yeah? What’s that look like?
Leonard: Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.
Raj: Where are we going?
Howard: Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.
Sheldon: Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.
Leonard: Congratulations Howard.
Howard: Thanks. Listen, I have to get a security clearance, so you guys might be hearing from the FBI.
Raj: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don’t want to speak to the FBI.
Leonard: Why not?
Raj: I’m brown and I talk funny.
Howard: They’re just doing a background check on me.
Raj: It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive.
Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.
Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is reading New Moon.
Raj: Oh, Bella, don’t you see? Edward’s only pushing you away because he loves you. (Knock on door) Coming.
Woman at Door: Dr. Koothrappali? (Raj nods) I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. May I come in? (Nods again) I’d like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz. (Indicates sofa) Oh, thank you. All right. Well, how long have you known Mr. Wolowitz?
Raj (Holds up finger to indicate he will be right back. Runs to kitchen. Tries to drink wine but bottle is empty. Looks in fridge and finds rum cake. Comes back stuffing a piece in his mouth): Rum cake?
Page: No, thanks. Now, about Mr. Wolowitz.
Raj: Seven years.
Page: I see.
Raj: I’m in this country legally, you know.
Page: I’m sure you are. Now, to your knowledge, has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime?
Raj: Of course not. I’m here on an H-1B visa, which means I can’t be associated in any way with crime or criminal activity. And I’m not.
Page: Good. To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz have any foreign contacts?
Raj: No, just me. Oh, there it is. Here comes a cavity search.
Page: Excuse me?
Raj: Please don’t send me back to India, it’s so crowded. It’s like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, except everybody’s wearing the same costume, Indian Guy.
Page: Dr. Koothrappali, I’m not…
Raj: I love this country! The-the baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity! From California to the New York Island, I’m a real Yankee Doodle boy!
Page: Dr. Koothrappali, please.
Raj: My country ’tis of thee, duh duh duh liberty, It’s really great.
Scene: Leonard’s lab.
Leonard: So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Mulder. Glad to see I got Scully.
Page: Who?
Leonard: Mulder and Scully. X-Files. The truth is out there. Never mind. Uh, so, what would you like to know?
Page: You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct?
Leonard: Yes. Of course, we’re in different departments. He’s an engineer and I’m an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, Hello, maker of the universe, I see what you did there. Good one.
Page: Right. Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?
Leonard: Good. It’s a good relationship. Of course, most of my relationships are good. Probably because I exude confidence. People are drawn to that, you know? Confidence, not exuding.
Page: Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?
Leonard: You are beautiful, you know that? You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.
Page: Sounds great.
Leonard: Really?
Page: Yeah. Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us?
Leonard: Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.
Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard: Want to get that?
Sheldon: Not particularly.
Leonard: Could you get that?
Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.
Leonard: Would you please get that?
Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?
Page: Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: Yes.
Page: I’m Special Agent Page, FBI.
Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.
Page: Here’s my I.D.
Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.
Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.
Page: Thank you.
Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?
Page: Fidelity, bravery, integrity?
Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on f*re on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?
Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.
Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.
Page: Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?
Sheldon: A little, but go on.
Page: Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible?
Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set. Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?
Page: That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in.
Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?
Page: I did.
Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
Page: I’m afraid not. Is there anything else?
Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.
Page: The Mars Rover?
Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?
Page: You did.
Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.
Page: Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway.
Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.
Page: Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, buddies. Guess who didn’t get security clearance to work on the giant space laser?
Leonard: What happened?
Howard: Apparently, the background interviews didn’t go well. You guys wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?
Raj: Well, actually, I may have gotten a little tipsy when I talked to her.
Leonard: And I may have h*t on her a little bit.
Raj: I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes.
Howard: I see. Well, it’s good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
Leonard: I feel awful.
Raj: Ah, me, too.
Leonard: To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What are you doing up?
Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.
Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?
Leonard: I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep?
Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.
Leonard: Did something happen today that’s bothering you?
Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?
Leonard: Because you feel guilty?
Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.
Leonard: Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Leonard: You’re having a guilt-ridden dream.
Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?
Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch?
Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.
Scene: Agent Page’s Office.
Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.
Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Yes.
Page: Was your statement untrue?
Sheldon: No.
Page: Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.
Page: Is there anything else?
Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…
Page: I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed.
Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.
Page: It’s closed.
Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security thr*at to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.
Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter?
Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.
Scene: A corridor at the university.
Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?
Raj: I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.
Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.
Dr Tyson: But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.
Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.
Dr Tyson: Is that the guy you were telling me about?
Raj: Oh, yeah.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.
Howard: You?
Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.
Howard: And they were okay with that?
Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.
Howard: Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?
Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.
Howard: Your apology is not accepted.
Sheldon: You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it?
Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.
Dr Tyson: Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.
Sheldon: Oh, shut up.
Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.
Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.
Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you?
Sheldon: Alcohol.
Penny: Could you be a little more specific?
Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.
Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres.
Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.
Penny (pouring out a sh*t of tequila): Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters?
Sheldon: More or less.
Penny: Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we?
Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.
Penny: A what?
Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…
Penny (pouring out a sh*t of tequila): Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky.
Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.
Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.
Penny: All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind?
Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.
Penny: Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.
Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?
Penny: I drink.
Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.
Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.
Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.
Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win.
Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.
Penny: Kirk cheated.
Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.
Penny: Right there with you.
Sheldon: Kirk b*at the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.
Penny: What? Sheldon, you can’t reprogram people.
Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Hello, all.
Raj: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.
Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon.
Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.
Raj: What’s in the bag?
Sheldon: It’s for Howard.
Howard: Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts.
Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.
Howard: You’re giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.
Howard: But you love that spot.
Sheldon: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.
Raj: Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.
Howard: All right. Apology accepted.
Sheldon: High five. Not too hard. Thank you.
Raj: I haven’t cried like this since Toy Story 3.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…
Sheldon: I changed my mind. Get out of my spot.
Penny: How long?
Leonard: 94 seconds. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x07 - The Apology Insufficiency"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Okay, help me out here. How does an archaeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That’s how I learned.
Leonard: I can’t believe you’ve never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Penny: And I can’t believe you’ve never read Eat, Pray, Love.
Leonard: When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.
Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.
Leonard: Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
Sheldon: There’s no switch. Just listen and learn.
Howard: Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.
Penny: Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?
Sheldon: Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.
Penny: What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!
Leonard: Exactly. They say it finally solves the submarine controversy.
Sheldon: Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.
Penny: Yeah, I think I’ll pass. But you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard: Bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we’d still be together.
Penny: Mm, yeah, no, we wouldn’t.
Howard: Uh-huh. I’m guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?
Leonard: Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.
Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.
Howard: You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.
Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.
Howard: Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you.
Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.
Leonard: Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine.
Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?
Leonard: Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.
Sheldon: But how were our seats?
Leonard: Excellent.
Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?
Amy: Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.
Sheldon: Shrewd.
Amy: Leonard, you’re right. We should enjoy our meal, arrive late, and risk winding up with terrible seats, assuming we get in at all.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy.
Amy: See? It’s working.
Bernadette: Knock-knock.
Howard: Who’s there?
Bernadette: Olive.
Howard: Olive you, too.
Leonard: Guys, that’s really starting to get old.
Howard: Knock-knock.
Leonard: Who’s there?
Howard: I have a girlfriend and you don’t.
Leonard: Hysterical!
Sheldon: Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?
Howard: So. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to Raiders?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab. Besides, Penny and I are having a girls’ night tonight.
Amy: Girls’ night? What does that entail?
Bernadette: Oh, you know, girls get together, hang out, share girl talk.
Amy: I’m a girl.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, maybe you can join us. I’ll ask Penny.
Amy: No need. Penny and I are very close.
Bernadette: You are?
Amy: Yes. In fact, our menses are synchronized. Penny. Bernadette tells me you’re planning a girls’ night.
Penny: Yeah?
Amy: I’m a girl.
Penny: Oh. Um, it was, it was just going to be me and Bernadette. Besides, I thought you were going to the movies with Sheldon and the guys.
Amy: Yes, but they’re not girls. I’m a girl.
Penny: Yeah, no, no, I-I-I got that.
Amy: What’s the dress code?
Penny: Uh, just wear something comfortable.
Amy: All right. I’ll have to go shopping.
Sheldon: Knock-knock.
Leonard: Who‘s there?
Sheldon: Hugh.
Leonard: Hugh who?
Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.
Scene: The movie theatre. The line is incredibly long.
Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.
Howard: Ooh. Can’t wait for that to start.
Sheldon: I informed you thusly.
Raj: Eight for 28.
Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.
Raj: Well I earned it, dude, I ate all my broccoli.
Sheldon: And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.
Leonard: So I guess it’s a good thing we stopped for dinner.
Raj: You know, guys, when facing disappointment, Eat, Pray, Love teaches us–
Howard: Oh, shut up.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: So anyway, to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.
Penny: You know Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn’t just have to be about our lady parts.
Amy: Shame. ‘Cause I have a real zinger about my titled uterus.
Bernadette: Penny, your nails look great.
Penny: Oh, thanks. I found this place in Alhambra. It’s in a woman’s basement. I think it’s a front
for human tr*ffick, but they do a really good job.
Amy: A colleague of mine did her graduate thesis on the fungus that grows on improperly sterilized manicure implements. Well don’t tell me that’s not girl talk.
Penny: So where should we go tonight? A bar? A club? A movie?
Bernadette: Or we could just stay here.
Amy: Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever. Or BFF, if you prefer. Which I don’t.
Penny: All right, time to open Bachelor Number Two.
Bernadette: Gee, I don’t know if I should drink more. I have to drive home, and I’ve got enough trouble seeing over the dashboard as it is.
Penny: That’s okay. Y ou can just sleep here.
Amy: Oh, good, a slumber party! We’ll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!
Penny: Oh, gosh, Amy. I don’t know if I would call this an actual slumber party.
Amy: Well, that’s disappointing. I’ve always wanted to be invited to a slumber party.
Bernadette: Oh, you never were?
Penny: Not even when you were a kid?
Amy: Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out, and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl. She didn’t make it through the night, but up till then, it was kind of fun.
Penny: Okay. Well, I guess we’re having a slumber party. Oh!
Amy: Pillow fight!
Scene: The movie line.
Leonard: Oh, I hope they let us in soon. I’m tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time. It’s a vicious circle.
Howard: Too bad you don’t have a stadium pal like me.
Leonard: What’s a stadium pal?
Howard: Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.
Raj: Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre and the length of this line, we might not get seats.
Sheldon: What did he say?
Leonard: Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap.
Sheldon: We might not get seats?
Leonard: It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep.
Sheldon: Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly.
Leonard: Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies!
Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.
Wil: Mee-sa think that very funny.
Sheldon: Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Theatre Staff: Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Yeah.
Theatre Staff: I’m a big fan.
Sheldon: Of what? Poorly ex*cuted beards?
Wil: Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late.
Theatre Staff: No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.
Wil: Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye.
Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.
Leonard: Calm down, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!
Leonard: Had to wake him up from his nap, didn’t you?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one. But it’s really long.
Penny: Okay, there you go, Sultry Sunrise Red. What do you think?
Amy: My nails have never looked so pretty before. Get it off.
Scene: The movie line.
Raj: Oh, oh, uh, looks like they’re getting ready to let people in.
Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.
Leonard: Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.
Sheldon: I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: And that, girls, is how you make a phony phone call.
Amy: I’m not sure I grasp the full entertainment value, but all right. Next on Wikipedia’s list of slumber party activities, Truth or Dare.
Penny: Okay, it’s your game. You go first.
Amy: Hang on. I’m familiarizing myself with the rules. Seems fairly straightforward. Bernadette, truth or dare?
Bernadette: Truth.
Amy: All right. To what temperature must you heat beef in order to k*ll the prion that causes bovine spongiform encephalopathy?
Bernadette: Um.
Amy: Remember, you have to answer honestly.
Penny: Wait. No, Amy, you’re supposed to ask her something personal or embarrassing.
Amy: Oh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas?
Scene: The movie line.
Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.
Theatre staff: Guys, I am sorry. We are full up.
Sheldon: No!
Theatre staff: We’re full up.
Leonard: We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?
Theatre staff: Sorry. f*re regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier.
Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.
Theatre staff: ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.
Howard: I guess that’s that. Let’s go home.
Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.
Raj: We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.
Sheldon: Look, a side door. Come on, Short Round.
Howard: I guess we’d better go after him.
Leonard: Short Round?
Raj: Indy’s young sidekick from Temple of Doom.
Leonard: Yeah, I know who it is, but why is it me?
Raj: You’re right. It should be a cuddly Asian boy. Like me.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: And Absolon hath kist hir nether yea, and Nicholas is scalded in the towte. This tale is doon, and God save al the rowte.”
Penny: What the hell was that?
Amy: Bernadette dared me to tell a dirty story. The Miller’s Tale by Chaucer is the dirtiest story I know. It would have been hidden in sock drawers if people in the 14th century had worn socks.
Bernadette: I thought it was pretty spicy. Especially the part where he kisses her nether yea.
Amy: You might not like it as much if you knew what nether yea meant. Hint, if one cares about hygiene, one ought not be kissing it.
Bernadette: Okay, my turn. Penny, truth or dare?
Penny: Truth.
Bernadette: Why are you still hanging out with Leonard so much even though you broke up with him?
Amy: Oh, that’s an excellent question. For two people who claim to be no longer pair-bonded, you spend an inordinate amount of time in each other’s company.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Penny: Dare.
Amy: I don’t believe the rules allow for an ex post facto option change.
Bernadette: Yeah.
Penny: Okay, look, just because we’re not seeing each other anymore doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I mean, Leonard’s a great guy.
Amy: Then, why did you terminate your relationship with him?
Penny: I don’t know. He got really serious, and I wasn’t ready for it.
Amy: Interesting. How will you react if, in the future, you become ready for it, and Leonard is unavailable, because another woman has realized that he is, to use your words, a great guy?
Penny: You can only ask one question.
Amy and Bernadette together: That one.
Penny: You know what, I don’t want to play anymore.
Amy: Well, I’m not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won.
Scene: The movie theatre.
Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon?
Howard: Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.
Sheldon: You whistled?
Leonard: What is that?
Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is crazy.
Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
Leonard: Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.
Sheldon: Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!
Howard: Come on, Short Round.
Leonard: Yeah.
Scene: Outside the movie theatre.
Sheldon: Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!
Raj: Come on, guys! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Howard: Let’s see you run with a bag of urine strapped to your leg.
Wil: He’s got the movie! Get him!
Sheldon: Why is there never a pontoon plane when you need one?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: She’s been in there a long time.
Amy: Clearly, losing Truth or Dare upset her. Perhaps we should try to take her mind off it with another popular slumber party activity.
Bernadette: Ooh, like what?
Amy: Well, the Internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.
Bernadette: Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?
Amy: Penny?
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. Look, I’m sorry I got so upset. I just,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa! What are you doing?
Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll avoid the nether yea.
Bernadette: I might have gone with eating raw cookie dough. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x08 - The 21-Second Excitation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: You know who’s got to be the bravest person in the Marvel Universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk a bikini wax.
Howard: You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard: He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?
Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon: Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.
Leonard: I’ll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.
Raj: Do you think they gave Wolverine an Adamantium prostate?
Howard: That’s a stupid question.
Raj: We’re having a conversation about probing the heinies of superheroes. There are no stupid questions.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Man: Yes?
Leonard: Oh, um, is Penny here?
Man: You’re Leonard, right?
Leonard: Yeah.
Man: Damn, it’s good to finally meet you, son.
Leonard: Okay, I think a bit of context here might help.
Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard. I see you met my dad.
Leonard: Oh, good. Context.
Penny’s Dad: Come on in, buddy. Take a load off.
Penny: Oh, gee, dad, Leonard can’t stay. He just dropped by to say hello. Thanks for stopping by, sweetie. I’ll see you later. (Kisses him passionately) Bye.
Leonard: That was odd.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Are you sure you have enough comics? You’re going to be monitoring the telescope for 12 hours, and by my estimate, you’ve only selected seven hours of reading material. That’s even factoring in your difficulty in parsing American comic book idioms like Bamf and Snikt.
Raj: Is that r*cist? It feels r*cist.
Howard: Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race.
Raj: Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.
Sheldon: I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.
Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was r*cist.
Leonard: You’ll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Aw.
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?
Raj: What… what kind of a kiss?
Leonard: A big kiss. On the mouth.
Howard: Is it possible that she was going for your cheek and you moved and she accidentally got lip? That happens with me and my mom all the time.
Leonard: She introduced me to her father, kissed me and then shut the door in my face.
Howard:Maybe she was trying to send you a message.
Leonard: You think?
Howard: Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.
Leonard: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.
Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
Leonard: I’m just saying, it felt like it may have meant something.
Howard: Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hear the hits.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.
Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?
Sheldon: If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen.
Penny (at door): Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: I’m starting to think we’re never going to see that pizza.
Penny: So you’re probably wondering what that was all about.
Leonard: What, uh, the kissing and everything? Nah, women do that to me all the time.
Penny: Yeah, okay. The thing is, I kind of told my father we got back together again.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: Well, you’re the first guy he’s ever really approved of, you know? You’re a scientist who went to college and you don’t have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or, or a baby.
Leonard: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?
Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heartbroken, and he kept bugging me, how’s Leonard? why can’t you get back together with Leonard? I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself. So to get him off my back, I told him we worked things out.
Leonard: Really? How, how’d we manage that?
Penny: What?
Leonard: Well, did you apologize? Did you have to woo me?
Penny: Get over yourself. I whistled, you came running.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I don’t think so.
Penny: Okay, why are you arguing about this?
Leonard: I’m just saying, if we fake got back together, that’s totally not how it fake happened.
Penny: Oh, okay, whatever. Will you please just play along until my dad leaves?
Leonard: Hold on, you actually want me to deceive your father with some sort of sham play acting and kissing? Cause I’m good with that.
Penny’s Dad: Penny, you out here?
Penny: Come on, honey, not in front of my dad.
Penny’s Dad: Relax, I’ve seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.
Leonard: See? He doesn’t mind.
Penny’s Dad: So, Leonard, I’m taking your gal out for a steak dinner, you want to join us?
Penny: Oh, dad, that’s nice, but Leonard has to work. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Uh, I do, I have to work. But I’m gonna blow that off to spend the evening with my sweetie and her father, ’cause, you know, just the kind of boyfriend I am.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Come here, you.
Scene: Raj’s Lab.
Howard: C-7.
Raj: Miss.
Howard: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a h*t, C-8 was a h*t. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.
Raj: Not if it has a hole in the middle.
Howard: What kind of spaceship has a hole in the middle?
Raj: A Romulan battle bagel?
Bernadette: Knock-knock.
Howard: Oh, great, you made it. Come on in. I invited her.
Bernadette: So where’s the telescope?
Howard: It’s in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He’s hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard: I did it with you when we rented The Notebook. (Raj whispers) Yes, Gena Rowlands is a treasure. You’d better open up that bottle of wine or I’m gonna end up with swimmer’s ear.
Raj: Excuse me. I can’t be drinking, I’m about to make an important scientific discovery here.
Howard: What? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.
Raj: How do you know that?
Howard: Well, he was Italian. It’s a reasonable assumption.
Raj: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?
Howard: Oh, I, I’m sorry, Galileo drank diet sprite. Look, you’re my best friend, she’s my girlfriend, you should bond. You know, like you and my mom did.
Raj: Your mom creeps the hell out of me.
Howard: Yes, but she’s stopped calling you slumdog millionaire.
Raj: I do appreciate that.
Bernadette: Here we go.
Howard: Well I’d like to propose a toast. To science and friendship.
Bernadette: Hold on. Wait. No, it’s okay, go ahead.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: Oh, I was working with Penicillin-resistant gonorrhoea in the lab today and I was just trying to remember if I washed my hands.
Scene: Penny’s dad’s car.
Leonard: Thanks for the steak, Wyatt.
Penny’s dad (Wyatt): My pleasure. It’s nice to have dinner with a boyfriend of Penny’s that knows how to use a napkin.
Penny: So not funny, dad.
Wyatt: Let me tell you about this one genius she was going out with, this, this fella Donnie.
Penny: Oh, will you please let it go?
Wyatt: Donnie was gonna make millions turning farm waste into biofuel and selling it to the government.
Leonard: A lot of people are doing that.
Penny: Oh, see?
Wyatt: Yeah, but all Donnie did was mix pig poop with a little water and pump it into his mom’s Camry.
Penny: Yeah, that’s great. It’s a funny story. Moving on.
Wyatt: And Donnie was a rocket scientist compared to that boy who wanted to get beer pong into the Olympics. What was his name, sweetheart?
Penny: Curtis, and I’m pretty sure he was joking.
Wyatt: I don’t know. That petition looked real to me.
Penny: Yeah, okay, I think this ends the ex-boyfriend portion of our evening.
Wyatt: Well, I’m just glad you finally found yourself a keeper.
Leonard: Thanks, Wyatt. I’m a keeper.
Scene: Outside Penny’s door.
Wyatt: Leonard, you want to come in for a nightcap?
Penny: Oh, gee, dad, he’d love to, but Leonard has to work in the morning.
Leonard: Maybe I could go in a little late.
Penny: No, no, no, you can’t. Your career is far too important.
Wyatt: Behind every great man is a nagging woman who won’t let him have any fun, am I right, Leonard?
Leonard: Don’t I know it.
Wyatt: Well, good night, son.
Leonard: Good night, Wyatt. Oh, good night, honey.
Penny: Good night.
Leonard: I love you.
Penny: Love you, too.
Sheldon: Oh, friggety-frak. Not this again.
Scene: The lab.
Howard: Three, four, five, pass go, get 2,000 Rupees, Six, seven, whoops. Can’t go any further. There’s a sacred cow in my way.
Raj: Bernadette, please tell your boyfriend to cool it with the cow jokes.
Bernadette: It won’t help. Once he finds a joke he likes, he sticks with it.
Raj: Yeah. Like his haircut material.
Bernadette: Oh, right. Did you get your hair cut?
Raj: No. I got them all cut.
Bernadette: Which is still so funny.
Raj: And when you go to a Chinese restaurant, he always gets the same fortune in his fortune cookie.
Bernadette: Right. Help, I’m a prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.
Howard: Okay, I think that’s enough about me.
Raj: He’s right. Let’s make fun of his mother. Howard, come rub my feet! My corns are k*lling me!
Bernadette: Howard, help me out of the tub! I’m stuck again!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Coming. Hey, lovebug.
Penny: Shut up. You know what I’ve been doing for the last hour?
Leonard: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
Leonard: You got to admit, I am, I’m delightful.
Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
Leonard: It’s not difficult for me. I’m having fun.
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: What do you want me to do? You started this. Do you want to go over and tell him we’re broken up?
Penny: No.
-
Leonard: Well, then, what do you want?
Penny: I don’t know.
Leonard: Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
Penny: Maybe.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.
Penny: Oh, my God. What personal habits?
Leonard: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…
Leonard: Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.
Penny: No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?
Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.
Leonard: Fines?
Sheldon: Yes. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.
Scene: The lab.
Raj: Hello, Hawaii. This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena. I’d like you to reposition the telescope, please. Scarlett Johansson’s house! I’m kidding, Hawaii. Mahalo. Whoo!
Howard: It might have been a mistake to open that second bottle of wine.
Bernadette: Well, live and learn. So, Raj, do you think this planet you’re looking for could have an atmosphere that supports life?
Raj: Maybe. If it did, I’d be famous. I’d be on the cover of magazines. And then, instead of living alone in my tiny apartment, I’d have a big mansion.
Bernadette: That sounds great.
Raj: It is. If you like wandering around a big, empty house with no one to love you.
Howard: We’d come visit you.
Raj: No, you wouldn’t. You’d be intimidated by my wealth and fame. My only friends would be my genetically engineered monkey butler, and the little people I hired to be my living chess set.
Bernadette: He’s taking a turn to the dark side, isn’t he?
Howard: Hold on. He could come back.
Raj: Oh, what’s the point of everything?
Howard: Nope. He’s gone.
Raj: You know it’s been more than a year since I’ve even kissed a girl?
Howard: What about that hook-up at Comic-Con you told me about?
Raj: Oh, grow up. I was lying. I lie all the time. Nobody wants to kiss me.
Bernadette: Oh, you poor, poor thing. Raj, you have to know you’re a wonderful man. There are a lot of girls out there who’ll want to kiss you.
Raj: Where?
Bernadette: You just have to look.
Howard: No!
Bernadette: Well, this was fun.
Scene: The apartment. Wyatt and Leonard are playing Wii fishing.
Wyatt: Oh! I think I got a nibble.
Leonard: Oh, b-be careful. Give him some line. Okay, now reel him in.
Wyatt: Oh, look at that baby. They’re really biting, huh?
Leonard: Yeah. They do that when you set it on easy.
Wyatt (phone rings): Oh, that’s me. Hello. Oh, hi, sweetie. Yeah, I got up early and didn’t want to wake you, so I went out for coffee and ran into Leonard on the way back. Guess what, we’re fishing. Yeah. Right here on his couch.
Leonard: Hey, baby. I love you! Mwuh, mwuh, mwuh, mwuh, mwuh.
Wyatt: That’s Leonard says he loves you. What? I see. The whole thing’s bull squirt, huh? Well, that’s very disappointing. Bye.
Leonard: Oh, hey. There’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Wyatt: I can’t believe you would lie to me like that.
Leonard: Just for the record, I did not want to be a part of this.
Wyatt: I’ll get to you in a minute.
Leonard: No hurry.
Wyatt: That my own daughter thinks I don’t love her enough to support her no matter what choices she makes, well, that hurts me deeply.
Penny: I’m sorry, daddy…
Wyatt: Let me finish.
Penny: Oh.
Wyatt: I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri? And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes?
Penny: You know, I’m sorry.
Wyatt: You’re a grown woman, and I respect your right to make your own decisions, but all I ask is you respect me enough to be honest about them.
Penny: You’re right. Look, from now on, I will tell you the truth.
Wyatt: Thank you. Now, why don’t you go and put some clothes on and we’ll grab a bite to eat before I head for the airport. Now you.
Penny: Daddy, he had nothing to do…
Wyatt: Keep walking.
Penny: Okay.
Wyatt: Please, please, please don’t give up on her.
Leonard: What?
Wyatt: I can’t go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.
Leonard: Gee, I don’t know if it’s in the cards, sir.
Wyatt: Then, stack the deck. Cheat. Lie. I don’t care. I want grandkids before I die, and I want them to grow up in a house without wheels.
Leonard: I’ll give it a sh*t.
Wyatt: Thank you. Now I’m going to do something here to help you along.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Wyatt: Just don’t panic. Now, get your sorry, lying ass out of my face and make sure I never see it again!
Leonard: Oh, the reverse psychology thing. I see. That’s very clever.
Wyatt: Don’t yap. Just get out.
Leonard: I’ll friend you on Facebook.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.
Leonard: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again.
Sheldon: Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, how’d it go last night?
Raj: Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop.
Leonard: Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?
Raj: Why? You writing a book?
Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.
Raj: Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject?
Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.
Howard: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: You get to play with Raj’s big telescope last night?
Howard: Whoa. Where did that come from?
Raj: He never touched my telescope.
Howard: Way to go shutting up.
Raj: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard: Fine.
Raj: Thank you. How come you didn’t call me this morning? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x09 - The Boyfriend Complexity"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?
Leonard: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.
Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.
Raj: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon: Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why.
Leonard: No.
Howard: Uh-uh.
Raj: We’re good.
Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?
Leonard: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.
Raj: Just for the record, when you enter five million three hundred eighteen thousand and eight in a calculator, upside-down it spells boobies.
Leonard: Remember when you were wondering why the girls didn’t want to eat with us tonight?
Howard: Yeah, I get it now.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: I love your little heart locket, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks. Howard gave it to me. It’s the cutest thing. Every time I have dinner with his mom, the next day I get jewellery.
Amy: Did you know that the iconic Valentine’s heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?
Penny: Oh, so I spent seventh grade dotting my I’s with little asses? Cool.
Zack: Hey, Penny, how’s it going?
Penny: Hey, Zack, what are you doing here?
Zack: My dad’s company prints the menus for this place. I’m just dropping off some new ones laminated. Makes ‘em easier to clean if people throw up on ‘em. Guess how I got the idea?
Penny: Yeah, I got it, I got it. Uh, Zack, these are my friends Bernadette and Amy.
Bernadette: Hi.
Zack: Hey.
Amy: Hoo.
Zack: Okay, well, it was good to see you.
Penny: Yeah, you, too.
Bernadette: He’s really cute. How do you know him?
Penny: Oh, we went out a couple of times.
Amy: I’m often flummoxed by current slang. Does went out mean had intercourse?
Bernadette: Yes.
Penny: No, no. But in this case, yes.
Amy: Interesting. And was it not satisfactory?
Penny: No, it was great. He just didn’t really challenge me on an intellectual level.
Bernadette: Couldn’t you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
Penny: Wouldn’t help. Zack can’t even spell NPR.
Bernadette: It’s what I do with Howard. I’m much smarter than he is. But it’s important to protect his manhood.
Amy: Hoo.
Bernadette: What’s the matter?
Amy: I’m suddenly feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated, my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry. In addition, I keep involuntarily saying hoo.
Penny: Oh, we know what’s causing that, don’t we?
Amy: It’s no mystery. I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden-onset Tourette’s syndrome.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The university cafeteria.
Howard: Did you hear about the accident at the bio lab?
Leonard: No. What happened?
Howard: They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.
Raj: Did he get superpowers?
Howard: No, he got five stitches and a tetanus sh*t.
Raj: Oh. Well, that’s disappointing.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab, you kind of want to turn into a superhero.
Howard: Yeah, but who’d want to become Rat-Man?
Raj: Who wouldn’t? You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound. And the best part is, if I were Rat-Man, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.
Howard: Mouse Boy?
Raj: You don’t like Mouse Boy? How about, uh, uh, Kid Vermin?
Howard: First of all, if we had superpowers, I wouldn’t be the sidekick. You’d be the sidekick.
Raj: Rat-Man is nobody’s sidekick.
Howard: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who’s the obvious sidekick?
Raj: Yeah, Leonard, who?
Leonard: 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?
Amy: It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.
Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.
Amy: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.
Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.
Amy: No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.
Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.
Amy: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?
Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.
Sheldon: Localized to what region?
Amy: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.
Amy: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.
Sheldon: Who?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Then why did you ask?
Amy: Ask what?
Sheldon: Who.
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?
Amy: Hoo.
Sheldon: Zack.
Amy: Why do you keep saying Zack?
Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.
Amy: I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night.
Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?
Amy: There was no question. I simply said hoo.
Sheldon: All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.
Amy: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: There you are.
Raj: Oh, hey.
Howard: Let me ask you a question. What are you most afraid of?
Raj: I don’t know. Um, nuclear w*r. Accidentally being buried alive. Any of those movies where you get that phone call that says you’re going to die, and then you do.
Howard: No. Something very specific that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrappali, are terrified of.
Raj: Well, type two diabetes runs in my family. The thought of losing a toe…
Howard: Spiders! You’re afraid of spiders!
Raj: What the heck is this?
Howard: A jar with a big spider in it, of course. Bravery test. First one to take his hand out is the sidekick.
Raj: Are you crazy?
Howard: Perhaps. Are you scared?
Raj: No. But it’s a stupid test.
Howard: Oh, really? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to stick your hand in a jar with a spider?
Raj: Oh, yeah? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to take a shower in the locker room and let other guys see you naked?
Howard: Oh, come on. That’s never gonna happen. Now put your hand in the jar or forever be revealed as my sidekick.
Raj: All right, I will.
Howard: How did you get so brave all of a sudden?
Raj: It’s easy. The spider’s crawling up your arm.
Howard: Get it off! Get it off! Please, Raj! Ah! Ah! Ah! Please. Oh!
Scene: Amy’s lab.
Amy: My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.
Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?
Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.
Amy: I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.
Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.
Amy: Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.
Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.
Amy: Religion?
Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.
Amy: Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?
Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.
Amy: Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?
Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.
Amy: And?
Sheldon: I reject it.
Amy: You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?
Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.
Amy: That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.
Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hey. Isn’t tomorrow your usual laundry night?
Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.
Penny: That’s thinking ahead.
Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.
Penny: So how’s Amy?
Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.
Penny: Oh, no. Why?
Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a sl*ve to her baser urges. Like you.
Penny: Just going to skip over that insult.
Sheldon: What insult?
Penny: Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the
scientific word?
Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.
Penny: Oh! Okay. Wow.
Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.
Penny: Are you sure?
Sheldon: What are you suggesting?
Penny: I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?
Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.
Penny: Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.
Penny: Exactly.
Sheldon: Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.
Penny: Oh, Amy, you lucky girl.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Yes. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Is this the Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny? Sorry to bother you. Hello. I’m looking for a Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny. Coitus. It means intercourse. And I have a feeling I’m speaking to the right Zack. This is Sheldon Cooper. Fine. Shelly. Yes, that does sound like a girl’s name. No, it doesn’t bother me. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me. Let me tell you why I’m calling. I’d like to know if you’d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Good grief. It’s like trying to talk to a dolphin.
Scene: A gymnasium.
Leonard: Really? This is going to decide who’s the hero and who’s the sidekick?
Howard: You got a better idea?
Leonard: Every idea is better than this idea.
Howard: Ding!
Raj: Wait. What the hell is ding?
Howard: It’s a bell.
Raj: I don’t think this kind of wrestling has a bell.
Howard: Fine. How do you want to start?
Raj: I say, uh, how about one, two, three, go?
Howard: One-two-three-go? That’s for babies.
Raj: Okay, how about, uh, on your mark, get set, go?
Howard: That’s for a footrace. If you want to race, we have to go outside.
Raj: No, it’s chilly outside. Didn’t bring my jacket.
Howard: Oh, for crying out loud. What kind of superhero needs a jacket?
Raj: What kind of superhero says dibs on the red tights, dibs on the red tights.
Howard: All right, how about this? Ready, wrestle.
Raj: Wait. Are we starting now? Or is that what you’re going to say when we do start, or…
Howard: We’re starting now!
Raj: Don’t yell at me!
Leonard: Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.
Scene: A bar.
Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?
Amy: I’m sure it’ll wash off.
Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.
Amy: There’s Zack.
Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Amy: It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do.
Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.
Sheldon: Please don’t drag this out. This is never going to come off.
Amy: Excuse me? Zack? I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus and make Shakespeare’s metaphorical beast with two backs.
Zack: My gluteus what?
Amy: On the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinar. Good-bye, Zack.
Zack: Bye. Hoo. That should hold me for a while.
Scene: The gymnasium.
Howard: I’m legally obligated to inform you that I took a karate lesson when I was 11. I’d be a regular ninja by now if my mom could’ve arranged a carpool.
Raj: Oh, yeah? Well, I’ve been taking Pilates class at the rec center, and my abs look like sections of a Hershey bar.
Howard: Oh, yeah? Won’t matter, you’re going down!
Raj: No, uh-uh, you’re going down!
Howard: If anybody’s going to go down, it’s going to be you.
Leonard: Fellas. It’s been 30 minutes. Nobody’s touched each other.
Scene: A street.
Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.
Amy: As am I. (Holds Sheldon’s hand)
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Amy: An experiment. Nope. Nothing. Never mind.
Scene: The gymnasium.
Raj: You realize you can’t win.
Howard: I prefer to think that I can’t lose.
Raj: You’re wrong. It’s only a matter of time before you fall into Rat-Man’s rat trap.
Howard: You pathetic fool! If there were a rat-catcher, wouldn’t it catch Rat-Man?
Raj: Just because I didn’t express myself well doesn’t mean my underlying point was invalid! You bloviating buffoon!
Howard: You narcissistic nincompoop!
Raj: You crimson coward! Oh, Leonard, wake up, you’re missing some very excellent superhero quips. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Water Demon.
Howard: Ice Dragon.
Leonard: Lesser w*rlord of Ka’a.
Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard: Do you understand why people don’t want to play with you?
Sheldon: No, although it’s a question I’ve been pondering since preschool.
Leonard: Hey.
Zack: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox.
Leonard: Oh, thanks.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Zack: Check it out, all about planets this month.
Leonard: That’s an atom.
Zack: Agree to disagree. That’s what I love about science, there’s no one right answer.
Leonard: So, you and Zack again, huh?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, me and Zack again.
Zack: Were we here earlier?
Penny: Okay, we should, we should go.
Zack: Ah, not yet. I want to talk science with the science dudes.
Howard: Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you k*ll a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I’m almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large t*nk of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
Zack: I don’t get it.
Leonard: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I’m stupid.
Sheldon: That’s not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.
Zack: Let’s go.
Penny: You know, for a group of guys who claim they spent most of their lives being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you. (Closes door)
Raj: What the hell did I do?
Penny (Opens door again): You laughed.
Scene: The same.
Leonard: You think Penny’s right? Were we bullying Zack?
Howard: No, I know bullying. He left here unswirlied and his ass crack was underpants-free.
Raj: And nobody drew a penis on his forehead.
Leonard: That happened to you?
Raj: First day of cricket camp. They drew it so the testicles were my eyes.
Leonard: I don’t know, I think we might owe the guy an apology.
Howard: So go apologize.
Leonard: Why me?
Howard: You started it, we just piled on.
Leonard: What would I even say?
Sheldon: Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.
Raj: A Milk Dud?
Sheldon: Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
Leonard: I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?
Raj: Junior Mints are pretty apologetic.
Sheldon: You’re embarrassing yourself.
Scene: At Penny’s door. Leonard knocks three times.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Yeah, we came to talk to Zack. Hey, Zack.
Zack: What do you want?
Leonard: Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around.
Zack: No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.
Leonard: Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.
Sheldon: That’s very hurtful.
Leonard: See?
Zack: I don’t know, it still wasn’t very nice.
Sheldon: Milk Dud?
Zack: Oh, I love Milk Duds. Okay, we’re cool.
Sheldon (to Raj): Junior Mints.
Zack: You guys want to come in and have a beer?
Leonard: Uh, we’re on our way to the comic book store.
Howard: Leonard’s buying.
Zack: Really? I haven’t been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?
Leonard: Don’t.
Zack: You want to go with ‘em?
Penny: No.
Zack: Okay, see you later.
Penny: Wait, w-w-wait-wait-wait, you’re ditching me to go look at comic books?
Zack: Are you mad at me?
Penny: I’m not happy.
Zack: Milk Dud?
Scene: The comic book store.
Zack: Wow, this place is awesome. Where do they keep the Archies?
Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
Zack: Oh, no, you’re thinking old-school Archie. It’s much more sophisticated now. Like, there’s two universes, and Archie’s married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.
Raj: No.
Zack: About time, right?
Stuart: Hey.
Zack: Hey.
Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
Leonard: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack. He’s a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart. He owns the store.
Zack: Wow, lucky you.
Stuart: Yeah, I work 70 hours a week and average a dollar sixty five an hour.
Zack: Sweet.
Stuart: Is that sarcasm?
Howard: Uh, no, it’s an indictment of the American education system.
Raj: The Archies are over here.
Zack: Yippee.
Stuart: So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party?
Sheldon: Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.
Howard: Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.
Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.
Leonard: Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.
Sheldon: That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?
Stuart: Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots?
Sheldon: I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.
Leonard: Zack?
Howard: He is the only person we know with actual muscles.
Leonard: You can’t replace me with Zack.
Sheldon: Why not? Penny did it.
Howard: Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?
Zack: Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.
Sheldon: Congratulations. Zack, how would you like to be Superman?
Zack: I don’t know, sounds like a lot of responsibility.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: Fine, if Zack’s going to be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern.
Raj: But I’m Green Lantern.
Leonard: You can be Aquaman.
Raj: I don’t want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.
Zack: Hey, babe.
Penny: I’m still mad at you.
Zack: Well, you won’t be when you hear the great news.
Penny: What great news?
Zack: We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.
Sheldon: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.
Penny: Wait, why me? Wh-Why can’t your girlfriend be Wonder Woman?
Howard: She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O sh*ts out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.
Penny: Okay, what about your friend Amy?
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.
Penny: Okay, well, forget it. I’m not spending my New Year’s Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): He says he’ll wear it if you’ll be Aquaman.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed as Green Lantern, Sheldon as The Flash.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously.
Leonard: You’re jogging.
Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces.
Leonard; Just chill out, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.
Howard: I’m Batman.
Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late.
Howard: I had to walk. I couldn’t get Raj on the back of my scooter.
Raj: I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Aquaman sucks.
Zack: Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.
Penny: All right. Let’s get this thing over with.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard: Relax. No one’s going to be looking at her hair. Ow! I mean, ow.
Zack: Hold on. The costume came with a black wig. Where is it, babe?
Penny: No. I’m not wearing it. It looks stupid.
Zack: Come on. We’re trying to win a contest here.
Penny: Forget it. I’m not wearing the wig.
Zack: Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.
Howard: Well, actually.
Sheldon: Don’t. He’s making our case.
Zack: Okay, babe. Uh, kind of embarrassing me in front of my friends.
Penny: Okay. You know what? I changed my mind. I’m not going.
Raj: Looks like someone else is going to have to be Wonder Woman.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Zack: Babe, open up.
Penny: I’m not talking to you.
Zack: Then who are you talking to? Babe?
Sheldon: (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.
Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.
Penny: Okay. What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I understand why you’re upset.
Penny: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.
Penny: No. Wait, wait, does it?
Sheldon: Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Penny: Good-bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But they’re not blonde, so put on your wig. Hello?
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Stupid Aquaman.
Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, when I was dating Penny, she used to flip out on me all the time.
Zack: Whoa. You dated Penny?
Leonard: She didn’t tell you?
Zack: She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you?
Leonard: Who else would it be?
Zack: I don’t know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you?
Sheldon: I may have failed.
Howard: Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman.
Zack: I don’t want to go without Penny.
Raj: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.
Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon: I’m Kermit. You’re Scooter.
Raj: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He’s the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.
Howard: No, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard: What makes you think I can convince her?
Howard: You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.
Leonard: Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?
Sheldon: Yes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Knocking.
Penny: Go away, Sheldon.
Leonard: It’s Leonard.
Penny: Oh. Go away, Leonard.
Leonard; Come on, let me just talk to you.
Penny: It’s open.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: I’m not going to that party, Leonard.
Leonard: Okay, listen. You don’t have to wear the wig. At this party, we’re gonna win first prize just by showing up with a girl.
Penny: It’s not the wig.
Leonard: Did I do something? I mean, I tried to be friends with Zack, like you said, which believe me, was difficult, given how you and me used to be, you know, you and me, and now you and him are you and him.
Penny: Okay, look. We’re not really me and him.
Leonard: Then what are you?
Penny: I don’t know. I only started seeing Zack again so I wouldn’t be alone on New Year’s Eve. How pathetic is that?
Leonard: Not as pathetic as dressing up like this and going to a comic book store on New Year’s Eve.
Penny: You make a cute Green Arrow.
Leonard: Green Lantern.
Penny: Like there’s a difference.
Leonard: There’s a big difference. Arrow. Lantern.
Penny: Whatever. Look, if Zack and I had just gone to a regular club or a party, it would have been fine, but this, with the costumes, and you.
Leonard: What about me?
Penny: Nothing. Let’s go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look?
Leonard: Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.
Howard (outside the door): Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
Sheldon: Oh.
Zack: Yes.
Sheldon: What’s the bad news?
Howard: Superman probably isn’t getting laid tonight.
Zack: Aw, damn.
Scene: The party.
Stuart: And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three!
Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Stuart: Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight.
All: Ten, nine, eight…
Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech.
All: Seven, six…
Sheldon: Stop counting!
All: Five, four, three…
Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it!
All: Two, one! Happy New Year!
Sheldon: I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.
Scene: The street.
Zack: That was a great party. We should dress like this all the time.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You’re being a bully.
Howard: Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.
Leonard: What should we do?
Sheldon: We’re the Justice League of America. There’s only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away.
Zack (after a moment’s thought): Nah. Hold up.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is 72 degrees, but I’m a little warm, so I’m going to turn it down.
Sheldon (as The Flash, runs to the Grand Canyon): Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x11 - The Justice League Recombination"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The university cafeteria. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse. Now, put your finger on it. Doesn’t matter which finger. Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon. Yeah, the little envelope. What do you mean, what does it look like? It looks like an envelope! Fine, you don’t like the computer, don’t use it! Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye!
Raj: That’s a Hanukkah present you’re regretting, huh?
Sheldon: I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.
Leonard: I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation?
Sheldon: Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer.
Leonard: I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!
Raj: You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises.
Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.
Leonard: Can you say that and not make it sound like I’m a cat who learned how to use the toilet?
Sheldon: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable, though if pressed, I’d have to give a slight edge to the cat. I’ll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer. I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.
Leonard: Oh, yay for me. What about you guys? I can’t promise anything, but people do make money off stuff like this.
Howard: A few extra bucks would be nice. I could finally move out of my mother’s house.
Raj: Where would you go?
Howard: I always dreamed about building a little place of my own over the garage.
Raj: You know, if I made more money, I could take time off from work and give pretty girls submarine rides.
Howard: What’s that? Some weird sex thing?
Raj: No. You take pretty girls underwater in your private submarine, and you show them fish. Why does everything have to be dirty with you?
Leonard: I was thinking we could work on this at night, and then maybe in a couple of weeks, we’ll have ourselves an app to sell.
Howard: Sounds like we’re in business.
Raj: I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Oh!
Raj (pressing button on camera phone. Camera makes a fart noise): Was that the best 99 cents I ever spent, or what?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I checked the App Store. No one is doing handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, shush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You have so few good ideas, Leonard. And you’re just going to spill the beans in front of an outsider?
Penny: Who, me?
Howard: Sheldon, I don’t think Penny cares about handwriting-recognition based differential…
Sheldon (singing): The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas.
Leonard: She’s not going to steal our idea.
Penny: What idea?
Leonard: We’re gonna write an application…
Sheldon (singing): The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…
Penny: Okay, stop, stop!
Sheldon: Of Texas.
Penny: Whatever your secret is, I’m sure it’s boring, so I’m not interested.
Leonard: It’s not boring at all. You see, in higher order mathematics, there are certain sets of equations that…
Penny: Bored.
Leonard: Satisfied?
Sheldon: Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Penny: Hey, wait a minute.
Howard: Well, hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.
Sheldon: Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Howard: Hey, I…
Penny: Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.
Sheldon: She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
Leonard: That is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Penny: Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.
Howard: There’s your answer, free food.
Sheldon: All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.
Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit r*cist.
Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.
Raj: Oh. Very clever. But still r*cist.
Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.
Howard: Why am I listed as your executive assistant?
Sheldon: Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.
Leonard: Okay, we need to stop for a minute.
Sheldon: Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.
Leonard: Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.
Sheldon: You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.
Leonard: Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.
Raj: Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass.
Sheldon: All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.
Leonard: Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, we’re doomed.
Scene: Later.
Leonard: So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients.
Sheldon: Good one, boss.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.
Leonard: It’s not a joke. It’s the real design.
Sheldon: In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?
Leonard: Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.
Leonard: Are you done?
Sheldon: If you say so, boss.
Scene: Later still.
Howard: So right now, this button-press event is just triggering a dummy procedure call…
Sheldon: How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.
Raj: So it spells Sheldon?
Sheldon: Does it? A happy accident.
Leonard: We’re not doing names now. Howard?
Howard: Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…
Sheldon: All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, but hear me out. The atomic b*mb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.
Leonard: That’s just Sheldon backwards.
Sheldon: Another happy accident.
Leonard: We’re not wasting time with names right now.
Sheldon: I see. Is that decision open for discussion?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…
Sheldon: I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.
Leonard: Oh Sheldon, stop it.
Sheldon: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…
Leonard: That’s enough, Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.
Leonard: Okay, that’s it, you’re fired.
Sheldon: Really? Why?
Leonard: Because you’re impossible to work with.
Sheldon: I see. And is that open for discussion?
Scene: The following morning.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.
Leonard: But I fired you.
Sheldon: Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.
Leonard: No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever.
Sheldon: But I made it better.
Leonard: I don’t want it better. I want it my way.
Sheldon: Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.
Leonard: Look, I’m still happy to drive you to work. Nothing’s changed in that regard. We’re still roommates, we’re still friends.
Sheldon: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.
Leonard: You know what? Go put on your bus pants.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Mm. Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?
Howard: It means after we play handball, I’m showering at home.
Sheldon: Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.
Raj: World’s Greatest Astrophysicist?
Sheldon: Don’t thank me. You earned it.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.
Howard: We’re not quitting on Leonard.
Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?
Raj: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go, Beavers. I’ll be back.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Okay, let’s try this one. Spherical Hankel function.
Leonard: Hold on. That’s it!
Howard: Eureka!
Raj: Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together.
Howard: Fine. Let’s say it together.
Raj: No. The moment has passed.
Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?
Raj: You mean, Project Lenwoloppali?
Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?
Leonard: We’re actually scanning equations and getting good results.
Sheldon: Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress.
Leonard: Howard, did you solve the install time problem yet?
Howard: No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…
Leonard: What are you doing?!
Sheldon: Playing the theremin.
Leonard: No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin?
Sheldon: Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been k*lling me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.
Leonard: Sheldon! We’re working here!
Sheldon: That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.
Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.
Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?
Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.
Sheldon: Don’t b*at around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.
Scene: The hallway.
Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.
Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is playing his theramin.
Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow-ow-ow-ow.
Penny: What you doing? Trying to contact your home planet?
Sheldon: I’m practicing my theremin.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah.
Penny: Something got you down, there, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.
Penny: Oh, honey, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.
Penny: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. And they’re still sticky.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Probably going to have to throw them away.
Penny: Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.
Sheldon: With you?
Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?
Penny: Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.
Sheldon: That’s your app idea?
Penny: Well, you don’t like it?
Sheldon: I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.
Penny: And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that.
Sheldon: I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.
Penny: Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some?
Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?
Penny: Milk.
Sheldon: Real cocoa?
Penny: That’s what it says on the packet.
Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?
Penny: No, sorry.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: A disappointing drink for a disappointing day.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Hey, look at this. 20 people from the university have already signed up for our private beta.
Leonard: I’m telling you, the Lenwoloppali Differential Equation Scanner meets a real need. We’ve got a h*t.
Raj: What do you think we should sell it for?
Howard: Well, based on the fact that our potential market is about 70 or 80 guys, and you want a submarine, I’d say about a million dollars a pop.
Raj: Well, what if we put out a lite version for half a million? You know, get the word of mouth going.
Penny: Hi. I’m sorry to bother you guys, but you’ve got to come take your Sheldon back.
Leonard: What’s he doing in your apartment?
Penny: Well, he was moping down in the lobby, so I invited him over, and now I regret it.
Leonard: Why do you regret, uh, never mind, stupid question.
Penny: Look, can’t you just let him play with you until bedtime?
Leonard: We’re not playing. This is real work.
Howard: We’re going to be hundred-aires.
Penny: Okay. What if I got him to apologize and promise to behave?
Leonard: Then I guess we would let him back on the app team, and while we’re doing that, you could take an aerial tour of L.A. on your flying pig.
Penny: Okay. Wait right here.
Raj: I’ll tell you one thing. If I get rich enough, that’s the kind of girl I want to take on a submarine ride. And yes, that time, I meant it to be dirty.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Really? Leonard wants me back?
Penny: Oh, yes. He says they are lost without you.
Sheldon: Well, we sure saw that coming.
Penny: That’s right.
Sheldon: You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.
Penny: No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.
Sheldon: How?
Penny: Say you’re sorry.
Sheldon: Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.
Penny: Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: No?
Sheldon: I was being sarcastic.
Penny: Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically.
Sheldon: Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.
Penny: Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go.
Sheldon: Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.
Penny: Oh, you’re welcome.
Sheldon: Boy, I’m getting good at this.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up.
Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.
Leonard: Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.
Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.
Howard: We have.
Sheldon: As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Okay, these are Uggs. These are Crocs. These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.
Sheldon: Bored.
Penny: Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.
Sheldon: Algorithm. You see, Penny, Alan Turing defined an algorithm…
Penny: Bored. Okay. These are Steve Maddens. These are Nine West. These are Target. Oh, but don’t they look like Chanel? These are Michael Kors. These are Roxy. These are Sachel’s. Oh, these are Betsy Johnson, they’re so cute…
Sheldon (singing at the same time): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow… | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x12 - The Bus Pants Utilization"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging?
Penny: Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon’s hamburger.
Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?
Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty busy this weekend.
Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.
Amy: That’s too bad. I was hoping you could be my plus-one at the Institute of Interdisciplinary Studies’ symposium on the impact of current scientific research on societal interactions.
Penny: The what?
Leonard: It’s an annual science conference. We’ve all been invited to speak.
Penny: Oh. Oh, okay, well, you know, like I said, I have plans, so.
Amy: Shame. Since you’re my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I’m your best friend?
Amy: Don’t you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don’t feel bad. I never read Leonard’s, and I used to sleep with him.
Amy: Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all-expense-paid spa weekend at a four-star resort in Big Sur?
Penny: No, I really, I’m sorry, free what? Sorry, what, what?
Leonard: I think her weekend just opened up.
Penny: Wait, wait, just to be clear, when you guys say spa, does that mean the same thing as when regular people say it?
Leonard: Pretty much. Except we keep our shirts on in the sauna.
Penny: You know, it is going to be difficult, but I’m going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my bestie.
Amy: Please don’t touch my breasts.
Penny: I, I wasn’t going to.
Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.
Penny: Boy, this is great. I haven’t had a vacation in ages.
Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”
Amy: I don’t believe there’s any such thing.
Sheldon: You lied to me?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.
Leonard: Don’t worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.
Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises.
Sheldon: All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.
Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.
Penny: Yay!
Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.
Penny: Brawny?
Leonard: They’re bigger than mine.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.
Howard (voice): Fine. Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now?
Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.
Howard: Still right behind you.
Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.
Penny: So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?
Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.
Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.
Leonard: I can vouch for that.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Not you, him.
Penny: Oh. Thanks.
Leonard: Although yours was an eye-opener.
Amy: Don’t worry, Penny. You’re my plus-one. You’ll bunk with me. And FYI, travel makes me constipated, so I’m the ideal hotel roommate.
Penny: Terrific. Are we there yet?
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: I hope we get there in time to see the keynote address.
Howard: Really? You want to see the keynote?
Bernadette: Yeah, it sounds fun. Super bacteria: global apocalypse or exciting research opportunity?
Howard: Actually, I was thinking we could go straight to the room and take a nap.
Bernadette: Really? And miss the keynote?
Howard: We can watch it later on C-SPAN. Besides, I was really looking forward to you and me napping together in the hotel.
Bernadette: Well honey, if you’re that tired, why don’t you just take a nap here in the car?
Howard: No, see, it’s not…
Bernadette: Hang on. It’s Leonard. Hi, Leonard.
Leonard (voice): Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means sex.
Bernadette: Oh. Thank you, Raj.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Are you an element in the actinoid series?
Sheldon: No. Amy?
Amy: Are you usually radioactive when found in nature?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series?
Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?
Penny: Uh, I don’t know. Are you food?
Sheldon: That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.
Penny: Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?
Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.
Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was thr*at to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.
Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.
Penny: I don’t understand why you people just let him bully you like this. Someone should stand up to him. What’s he going to do?
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Penny: I can’t believe you let him kick me out of the car.
Howard: What could we do? He’s the Travel Supervisor.
Bernadette: Don’t worry, Penny. This is a better car anyway.
Howard: Yeah. It’s the Love Car.
Penny: Should I ask?
Bernadette (singing): They say we’re young and we don’t know, we won’t find out until we grow.
Howard (singing): Well, I don’t know if all that’s true, ’cause you got me, and, baby, I got you.
Together (singing): Babe, mm da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe, da-da, da-da, da-da, I got you, babe…
Penny: Red Leader, I’m really sorry.
Scene: The hotel.
Howard and Bernadette (singing): I got you, babe.
Amy: I missed you.
Penny: You know what? I missed you, too.
Very tall and powerfully built man: Bernadette?
Bernadette: Oh, my God, Glenn!
Glenn: Great to see you!
Bernadette: Are you here for the conference?
Glenn: Yeah, I’m doing a global warming panel.
Bernadette: Oh, good for you. Uh, Glenn, this is my boyfriend Howard.
Glenn: Oh. Nice to meet you.
Howard: Hi. Ow. Hi.
Glenn: You’re a lucky man. Bernie’s a great gal.
Howard: Yes. Bernie sure is.
Glenn: Well, I got to run. The panel’s tomorrow morning. It’s called, Remembering Snow: A Look Back.
Bernadette: I’ll try to catch it.
Glenn: Oh, great. Bye.
Bernadette: Bye.
Howard: Hey, Bernie?
Bernadette: Yeah?
Howard: Please tell me he’s your gay cousin.
Bernadette: No. He was one of my professors in college.
Howard: Oh! That’s a relief.
Bernadette: Then we went out for a year. Come on, let’s check in, so we can take that nap.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): No, it’s not necessarily proportional. Shut up!
Scene: Howard’s hotel room.
Howard: That green bag is Dr. Cooper’s. Here’s an extra five. Make him wait. Oh. Right to the nap, huh? Okay? Uh, so, this Glenn guy. You say you went out with him for, like, a year.
Bernadette: Do we really need to talk about my old boyfriend now?
Howard: No. I guess not. What is he, like, six-four, six-five?
Bernadette: Six-seven.
Howard: Probably has a hard time finding a suit that fits.
Bernadette: Is something bothering you?
Howard: No. It’s just…
Bernadette: What?
Howard: I’m just thinking. If you had sex with that guy, I mean, there’s nothing I can do here that will make any kind of impact.
Bernadette: Howard, it’s not a contest. I love you. I want to be with you.
Howard: Yeah, great, love you, too, but, if it were a contest, I wouldn’t have a chance, right?
Bernadette: You can’t think that way.
Howard: Yep. Loser.
Bernadette: Howard, stop it.
Howard: Sorry. I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that.
Bernadette: Wait a minute, a girl like me? What’s that mean?
Howard: I’m… I…
Bernadette: Are you saying you don’t think I’m hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: No! No, I’m saying exactly the opposite.
Bernadette: I’m too hot to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: Yeah, let’s go with that.
Scene: Amy’s hotel room.
Amy (exiting bathroom): Still nothing. Remind me to try again in an hour.
Penny: Will do.
Amy: So, girl talk?
Penny: Um, sure. What do you, what do you got in mind?
Amy: Do you subscribe to the Freudian theory of penis envy?
Penny: Um, I never really thought about it. Why?
Amy: Sometimes I think it might be nice to have one.
Penny: Really?
Amy: Not for sex, for convenience. You can’t deny that, by comparison, our internal plumbing is extremely high maintenance.
Penny: Again, I’ve never given it much thought.
Amy: We have time now. Think about it.
Penny (knock on door): Oh, good. Hey.
Bernadette: Can I stay here tonight?
Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
Bernadette: Howard’s a complete and total ass.
Penny: Oh, yeah, that. Come on in.
Bernadette: Thanks. I’ll sleep on the floor.
Amy: Not necessary. Penny and I are perfectly comfortable sharing a bed.
Penny: We are?
Amy: Of course, we’re best friends.
Penny: Oh, right, right, the blog.
Amy: Word of warning, though. I’m prone to night terrors, so if I wake up kicking and screaming, don’t panic. Just pin me down and stroke my hair, and I’ll be fine.
Scene: Leonard’s room.
Penny: Hey, can I stay here tonight?
Leonard: Shh-shh-shh-shh. Sheldon’s asleep. What’s going on?
Penny: Well, Howard’s a complete and total ass, Bernadette’s in my bed, and no matter how much you stroke Amy’s hair, she bites.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Never mind. Can I stay here or not?
Leonard: Uh, sure.
Penny: All right.
Leonard: So, how do you wanna do this?
Penny: Well, I’m not getting in bed with him.
Leonard: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula’s coffin.
Penny: We’re just gonna have to make the best of this.
Leonard: Okay, when you say make the best of it.
Penny: Sleep.
Leonard: Right. So we’ll just call the middle here the Neutral Zone.
Penny: The what?
Leonard: Star Trek. You know, the Neutral Zone between the Federation and the Romulan Empire.
Penny: Oh, okay. Just like old times.
Leonard: Of course, sometimes the Federation and the Romulans would enter the Neutral Zone to negotiate a temporary truce.
Penny: Sweetie, let me put this in a way you’ll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up.
Leonard: Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know?
Penny: Go to sleep.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: Please tell me you’re not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon: Can you guarantee that it won’t happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Scene: Raj’s room.
TV Announcer: Next on Turner Classic Movies, Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Raj: Oh, my God, I’m crying already.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Raj: Okay. Come on in.
Scene: Leonard’s room.
Penny: Leonard, are you asleep?
Leonard: No.
Penny: I really appreciate you letting me stay here tonight.
Leonard: Sure, no problem.
Penny: I know it’s kinda weird.
Leonard: True dat.
Penny: True dat?
Leonard: I’ve gotten a lot more street since we broke up.
Penny: Right. Still mad at me about that?
Leonard: No. No, I understand. I got too intense, you had to back off.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: I’ve gotten a lot better at that, you know. I’ve dated four different women since we broke up and I didn’t tell any of them that I loved them and wanted to have their babies.
Penny: Good for you.
Leonard: Okay, good night.
Penny: Good night. You know, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to violate the Neutral Zone for just one night. Oh!
Raj: Hey, Leonard, Sheldon kicked me out of the room, gave me your key.
Leonard: Penny’s here. (Raj whispers to him) No, we don’t want to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary!
Scene: A conference room.
Sheldon: Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we’ll begin with opening remarks. Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science’s responsibility to society?
Bernadette: Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It’s not just giant nuclear w*apon that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one.
Howard: Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive w*apon.
Bernadette: I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant m*ssile she wants.
Amy: Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.
Sheldon: Dr. Koothrappali, would you care to join the conversation?
Raj: Certainly. I’d like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass.
Leonard: I’d like to kick your little brown ass.
Raj: What did I do?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed.
Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.
Penny (voice): We weren’t getting back together! It was a one-time thing!
Sheldon: Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.
Penny(voice): Oh, shut up, Sheldon!
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny(voice): Yeah, hi.
Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.
Howard: Let me ask you something, Bernie.
Sheldon: I guess not.
Howard: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie?
Bernadette: Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic.
Howard: What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj: I’d like to weigh in here. No.
Sheldon: All right, why don’t we open it up to Q&A from the audience?
Penny (voice): Yeah, I have a question. Is there anybody who can get me the hell out of here and back to Los Angeles tonight?
Glenn (voice): I’m driving back to L.A. tonight.
Bernadette: Um, Penny, that’s Glenn. Glenn, that’s Penny.
Leonard: No!
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Sheldon (voice): Red Leader to Red Five. Red Leader to Red Five. Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye, a nonferrous metal. (Howard throws walkie-talkie out of window)
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: Must be out of range.
Amy: Leonard, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Amy: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life?
Leonard: No. Why do you ask?
Amy: Because we’re going 120 miles per hour.
Sheldon: All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x13 - The Love Car Displacement"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A lecture hall.
Sheldon: Good evening. I’m your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I was expecting applause, but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. I agreed to speak to you this evening, because I was told that you’re the best and the brightest of this university’s doctoral candidates. Hmm. Of course, that’s like saying you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. ‘Cause, you see, there’s only one electron in a hydrogen atom. Best and brightest, my sweet patootie. All right, let’s begin. Show of hands, who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators? Don’t kid yourselves.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon’s lecture. Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect.
Howard: Look. Listen to this one. Does Einstein’s theory explain why time flies when you’re having fun, but when you’re listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, d*ad?
Raj: Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
Leonard: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you’re Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
Penny: Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can’t get on.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It’s now Penny is a freeloader. No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We’re reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh. How’d he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
Penny: That bad, huh?
Leonard: Read this woman’s tweet.
Penny: Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader.
Howard: So, how’d the lecture go?
Leonard: In a word, triumphant.
Leonard: Really? Triumphant?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.
Penny: Oh, please let me tell him.
Leonard: I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Howard: Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would.
Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.
Leonard: Oh, uh, from the context, we think it means k*ll me now.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think I’ll turn in. I didn’t want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.
Howard: FYI, I think that’s what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Howard: Sheldon still moping?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s weird. Even though he didn’t want to give the lecture in the first place, being rejected by those students really h*t him hard.
Raj: Mmm, I know the feeling. It’s like accidentally walking into a gay bar and then having no one h*t on you. It-It happened to a friend of mine.
Bernadette: Are you guys doing okay?
Howard: Yeah, Leonard and I are fine, but I think Raj needs to meet a girl really soon.
Bernadette: Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. He’s such a cutie.
Raj: Thank you, but cute is for bunnies. I want to be something with sex appeal, like, like a labradoodle.
Howard: Labradoodle?
Leonard: We might be starting to zero in on your problem.
Bernadette: Don’t you listen to them. You’ve got plenty of sex appeal.
Raj: You really think so?
Bernadette: Yeah. You’re a hottie.
Raj: Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy (on webcam, with an undersea background): So, what do you think?
Sheldon: It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.
Amy: Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish)
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.
Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
Amy: If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.
Sheldon: For instance?
Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.
Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.
Amy: All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?
Sheldon: Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.
Amy: Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.
Sheldon: I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?
Amy: Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons.
Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct?
Penny: I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress.
Sheldon: All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.
Penny: You want an acting lesson?
Sheldon: Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.
Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.
Penny: Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ‘em on my fridge.
Sheldon: So, when could we start?
Penny: Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t.
Sheldon: I suppose that’s one way to look at it.
Penny: I think it’s the only way to look at it.
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Penny: Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.
Penny: Forget it.
Sheldon: I’ll pay you 40 dollars.
Penny: Saturday, nine a.m. Bring cash.
Scene: The university cafeteria
Howard: Raj, I have amazing news!
Raj: What?
Howard: I just got offered a fellowship at the Weitzmann Institute in Israel.
Raj: Dude, that’s incredible!
Howard: I know. The only thing is, I’m gonna be gone for two years.
Raj: Aw, I’m gonna miss you. Are you going with him?
Bernadette: I have to stay here for school.
Howard: That’s what we’re here to talk to you about. You see, Bernadette has needs.
Raj: What kind of needs?
Howard: Sexual needs.
Bernadette: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.
Howard: So, while I’m gone, you’re going to have to satisfy her.
Bernadette: What do you say?
Raj: I say okey-dokey.
Howard (to the real Raj who is daydreaming): What ya thinking so hard about?
Raj: Just that I’m definitely not gay.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.
Penny: You were acting?
Sheldon: Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s
The Technique of Acting, Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting, and Henry Winkler’s Heyyy, I’m an Actor.
Penny: Well, good for you. Come on in.
Sheldon: How shall we begin?
Penny: Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon?
Sheldon (doing nothing): You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.
Penny: Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.
Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.
Penny: All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up.
Sheldon: You’re the teacher.
Penny: Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation?
Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.
Penny: This is all about listening and responding.
Sheldon: Gotcha.
Penny: I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: Action.
Penny: Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action.
Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?
Penny: Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?
Sheldon: I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.
Penny: Yogurt?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here.
Sheldon: You do?
Penny: Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.
Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.
Sheldon: Oh, and we’re going to use props?
Penny: You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?
Sheldon: You have any frozen yogurt?
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’m still not adjusted to how the SyFy channel spells their name now. S-Y-F-Y. That’s siffy.
Raj: Uh-huh.
Leonard (phone rings): Hello? Oh, my God! Is he okay?
Raj: What happened?
Leonard: Hang on. Hang on. Uh-huh. Okay, thank you. Howard was on his scooter, and got h*t by a truck. He’s in critical condition.
Raj: Oh, no!
Bernadette: Did you hear? Isn’t it terrible?
Leonard: Have you seen him?
Bernadette: They wouldn’t let me in. Oh my Howie.
Leonard: It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
Raj: It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. (Phone rings) It’s Howard. Howard, hello.
Howard: Raj, is that you?
Raj: Yeah, I’m right here, buddy. How are you?
Howard: Shh, shh. Listen to me. I’m not gonna make it.
Raj: No, no, no, don’t say that. You’re going to be all right.
Howard: Raj, I don’t have time. Now, pay attention. My last wish is that you look after Bernadette.
Raj: Of course, of course. Now when you say look after, you mean…
Bernadette: Sexually.
Raj: Excuse me, Bernadette. I have to hear it from him.
Howard: Sexually.
Raj: Got it. Take care. I guess I have no choice but to make sweet, guilt-free love to you over and over again for the rest of my life.
Bernadette: That’s how I heard it.
Leonard (out of Raj’s daydream): Or it could be sy-fee.
Raj: What?
Leonard: S-Y-F-Y. Sy-fee.
Raj: Oh, right. Good one.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, did you get a chance to go over the scene I gave you?
Sheldon: Yes. I didn’t care for it.
Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.
Penny: Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study?
Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.
Penny: And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams?
Sheldon: Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?
Penny: Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before.
Sheldon: It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.
Penny: KMN.
Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.
Penny: Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.
Penny: Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?
Penny: It’s only logical.
Sheldon: Very well. I’ll set the scene.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.
Penny: Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene.
Sheldon: Hoo!
Penny: Now just read your mother’s line.
Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.
Penny: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.
Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your g*n!
Penny: Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.
Penny: Just keep going!
Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.
Penny: We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.
Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”
Penny: Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you’re losing your son.
Sheldon: Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get b*at up. So much.
Penny: All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.
Penny: All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.
Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.
Penny: That’s good. That’s good. That’s good.
Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.
Penny: Okay, I guess we’re improvising now.
Sheldon: Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.
Penny (on phone): Mrs. Cooper, hey, it’s Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: Mommy, I love you. Don’t let Spock take me to the future!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Bernadette: Okay, Raj, I know you’ve been avoiding me and Howard, and I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on inside that little head of yours.
(Scene turns into a Bollywood musical)
Raj (singing): Like the wild elephant I am trumpeting my love for you!
Bernadette (singing): Like a hidden flower my sweet fragrance comes into view!
Raj (singing): My heart burns for you like the sun at noon!
Bernadette (singing): My desert welcomes you like the rainy monsoon!
Raj (singing): You are my heart!
Bernadette (singing): My universe!
Raj (singing): You are my heart!
Bernadette (singing): My universe!
Both together (singing): My universe!
Chorus of everyone in cafeteria (singing): Hey! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! My universe!
Raj (out of daydream): Dance number aside, I’m so not gay. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x14 - The Thespian Catalyst"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The University cafeteria
Raj: Here’s what I wonder about zombies. (Others all groan) What happens if they can’t get any human flesh to eat? They can’t starve to death, they’re already d*ad.
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj: Yeah, okay, so, zombies.
Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like, in 28 Days, if those zombies didn’t eat, they starved.
Howard: You’re thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state
Raj: Hey, don’t bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter.
Leonard: Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.
Howard: Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.
Raj: Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.
Dr. Seibert: Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today?
Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
Seibert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
Sheldon: It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves,
I’ll let you check me for a hernia.
Seibert: Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls.
Raj: Sounds great!
Howard: I’m in!
Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?
Seibert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.
Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.
Seibert: I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.
Sheldon: I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.
Seibert: All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Oh, you don’t want that.
Seibert: So, Saturday night! It’s gonna be off the hook.
Sheldon: Ugh!
Seibert: Get over it.
Raj: Oh, boy! Tator tots and a party invitation? What a great day!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: There you go.
Leonard: Are you sure this is right?
Penny: Yeah, just tuck that part in your pants; you’ll be fine.
Howard: Okay, let’s go smooch some rich, wrinkled tuckus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can’t believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey.
Howard: Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does.
Leonard: Oh. We should get going.
Howard: What about Sheldon?
Sheldon: Sheldon is not going.
Leonard: Really? What do we tell Siebert?
Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Penny: Sheldon, it’s Saturday night, you’ll be doing laundry.
Sheldon: Don’t tell him that, tell him the mask thing.
Scene: The party.
Howard: Hey, put your tie back in your pants.
Leonard: Thanks.
Raj: Nice place. Reminds me of my parents’ house back in New Delhi.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Raj: No. We are very wealthy. But the only difference is, we have more servants.
Leonard: More than this?
Raj: More than we can use. You see, in India, we don’t make the mistake of letting our poor people have dreams.
Seibert: Ah. There’s my band of brainiacs. Where’s Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: He’s tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God.
Seibert: The board of directors insists he has a beautiful mind. I think he’s just bananas. Come on, let me introduce you to one of the university’s leading donors.
Raj: I think we were misled about the cute girls.
Seibert: Mrs. Latham, I’d like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz.
Mrs Latham: Well, what happened to you, Wolowitz, couldn’t stick with it long enough to get your PhD?
Howard: I’m an engineer. Most engineers don’t bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste-disposal system for NASA.
Mrs Latham: Got it, you’re a space plumber.
Howard: I’m gonna go h*t the bar.
Mrs Latham: Tell me about these two.
Raj: Do him first.
Seibert: Dr. Hofstadter is representing our experimental physics program tonight. I think you’ll really enjoy hearing about his fascinating work.
Mrs Latham: Right. Fascinate me.
Leonard: Uh.. b.. d.. uh.. uh..
Mrs Latham: They’re cute when they’re about to wet themselves, aren’t they? I’ll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on?
Leonard: Coffee maker?
Mrs Latham: All right, Dr. Kooth… uh, whatever it is, you’re up.
Raj: It’s Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.
Amy (on webcam): Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.
Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.
Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.
Sheldon: That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.
Amy: I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?
I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.
Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?
Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.
Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.
Amy: And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.
Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.
Amy: Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department.
Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!
Amy: Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No!
Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!
Scene: The party.
Leonard: On the bright side, I don’t think President Siebert will be making us go to any more fund-raisers.
Howard: It was so much easier at my bar mitzvah. The old people just came up to you, pinched your cheek and handed you a savings bond.
Raj: Oh, don’t be such gloomy Gusses. Look at the size of these shrimp! At what point do we start calling them lobsters?
Leonard: Face it, Raj, we crashed and b*rned tonight.
Mrs Latham: Oh, you didn’t do that badly.
Leonard: Mrs. Latham, the first machine I turn on in the morning is the helium-neon laser, ’cause it needs to warm up.
Mrs Latham: I no longer care, dear. But don’t worry, I really enjoyed meeting you this evening.
Leonard: You’re kidding. That was good for you? ‘Cause I was sweating through my T-shirt.
Mrs Latham: Excellent! There’s nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease.
Leonard: Why?
Mrs Latham: Oh, I don’t know, it’s one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp? See? Fun.
Sheldon (behind them): No, no, no, I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anyone’s germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): I must confess I don’t understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there’s simply no talking to me, why did you call? I’m sorry, someone’s on the other line. Why don’t you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we’ll try again later. Cooper-Hofstadter residence. Go for Cooper.
Good morning, Mrs. Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband’s ill-gotten gains. So, how much money are you going to give me? I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you’re not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who’s crazy now?
Leonard: Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?
Leonard: Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up.
Sheldon: Okay, I see what’s happening.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.
Leonard: Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I’ve been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.
Sheldon: No, that can’t be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we’re best friends. And I got your back, Jack.
Secne: Mrs Latham’s car.
Leonard: That was a great meal.
Mrs Latham: I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Leonard: The only time I eat this well is when my mom’s in town and she takes me out to dinner.
Mrs Latham: Is that so?
Leonard: You kind of remind me of her. She enjoys making people uncomfortable, too.
Mrs Latham: Well, you remind me of a boy I dated in college.
Leonard: No kidding.
Mrs Latham: Sweet boy. Very smart. If only he’d had money.
Leonard: Yeah, um, so, hey, speaking of money, how are you feeling about helping the physics department get a cryogenic centrifugal pump and molecular sieve?
Mrs Latham: Well, I must say, you make a very persuasive case for it.
Leonard: Oh, good, good.
Mrs Latham: And I’m seriously considering taking it to the next level.
Leonard: Terrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don’t remind me of my mom.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to att*ck the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching.
Sheldon: You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.
Howard: Hey. How was dinner?
Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?
Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.
Penny: Leonard, are you okay?
Leonard: Um, I’m not sure.
Howard: What’s going on?
Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
Sheldon: Oh, wow!
Howard: Yes!
Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can’t keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
Leonard: She h*t on me.
Howard: Wait-wait-wait. Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard: I think so.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Penny: You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you?
Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.
Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.
Leonard: Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her.
Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
Leonard: Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!
Leonard: I repeat, not gonna happen.
Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain?
Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
Scene: The apartment, the following night.
Sheldon (on phone): Okay, fine. I’ll tell him. Leonard, Mrs. Latham’s car is here for you.
Leonard: I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.
Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.
Leonard: What’s this?
Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.
Leonard: I am not going to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!
Leonard: Are you insane? I’m not going to prost*tute myself just so we can get some new equipment.
Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not?
Leonard: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
Penny: He still won’t shag the old lady, huh?
Sheldon: No. But thank you for asking.
Scene: Mrs Latham’s car.
Leonard: Hey. Hi.
Mrs Latham: Hello, Leonard. I hope you’re hungry.
Leonard: I’m very hungry. For food, right?
Mrs Latham: Oh, I made you uncomfortable last night. I’m so sorry.
Leonard: No, that’s okay.
Mrs Latham: No, it most certainly is not. Leonard, I’m making the donation to your department regardless of what happens between us.
Leonard: Really?
Mrs Latham: Well, of course. There’s no quid pro quo here. You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research, and you deserve the money.
Leonard: Oh. Then what was last night about?
Mrs Latham: I took a sh*t, sue me.
Leonard: Oh.
Mrs Latham: You’re a very handsome man, Leonard.
Leonard: Thank you.
Mrs Latham: It was foolish of me to think someone your age might ever be interested in someone like me.
Leonard: Oh, don’t say that. You’re a very attractive woman.
Mrs Latham: Oh, please.
Leonard: No, it’s true.
Mrs Latham: Well, aren’t you sweet. Just for the record, you’d remember a night with me for the rest of your life.
Leonard: I’m sure I would. But why, why, exactly?
Mrs Latham: You’re a very smart man. How do you think I landed such a rich husband?
Leonard: I hadn’t really given it much thought.
Mrs Latham: Well, think about it.
Leonard: Do you mean?
Mrs Latham: Yep. I’m that good.
Leonard: Oh, what the hell.
Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is returning home looking dishevelled.
Penny: Good morning, slut.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me.
Sheldon: Are you just getting home?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard: No, I didn’t do it for the money.
Sheldon: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that’s what your roommate did to her.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you.
Leonard: No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first.
Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.
Leonard: Uh, I’m gonna go lie down.
Sheldon: That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.
Penny: Hey!
Sheldon: Another compliment! Learn to recognize them.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Seibert: Ah, there he is! The man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard: I didn’t do it for the money!
Seibert: Keep telling yourself that, it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj: Cool, buddy! That’s awesome!
Howard: How was she? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x15 - The Benefactor Factor"} | foreverdreaming |
Episode begins with a “Previously on” sequence before first scene.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: What’s so funny?
Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
Howard: I do sometimes get a bit carried away, don’t I?
Bernadette: It’s cute. You sound a little like a drunken monkey. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Howard: You know it’s meant as a compliment.
Bernadette: That’s how I take it.
Howard: This is perfect. I hope this moment never ends.
Bernadette: Me too.
Howard: Well, gotta go.
Bernadette: Oh! Already? Why don’t you stay over?
Howard: Well, I’d love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.
Bernadette: Please, I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.
Howard: It’s not just the wig. It’s pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It’s a two-person job.
Bernadette: It’s just, when you leave right after we make love, it makes me feel cheap.
Howard: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?
Bernadette: Stay.
Howard: Okay. Like, what, another five, ten minutes?
Bernadette: Go home.
Howard: Your call.
Bernadette: Howard, have you ever considered us living together?
Howard: Boy, I don’t know. You, me, Ma living under the same roof?
Bernadette: No, I mean just you and me. You can move in here, or we can find a place.
Howard: I’ve got a better solution.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: We wait for my mom’s heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
Bernadette: Great.
Howard: Look at us planning a future together.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (voice): Who’s there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex criminals don’t have keys, Ma.
Mrs Wolowitz: Where were you so late?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz: I know what that means, I watch Dr. Phil. I hope to God you used a condom!
Howard: I’m not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Mrs Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Mrs Wolowitz: I hope not. I share a toilet with you. Is that what you want? To give your mother herpes?
Howard: That’s it. I don’t have to take this. Good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!
Mrs Wolowitz: Who’s there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: I’m still leaving! I just forgot my Claritin.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, what’s up?
Howard: I need a place to crash.
Leonard: Uh, sure. Why?
Howard: Big fight with my mother.
Leonard: Still arguing over which CSI is the best?
Howard: No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Leonard: Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?
Howard: There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.
Leonard: Wait, wait. What?
Sheldon: Cocoa, Leonard. Focus. I’m down in the dumps here.
Leonard: Priya’s in town?
Howard: Yeah, some work thing. Anyway, my mother seems to think that Bernadette…
Leonard: Hold on. When did Priya get here?
Howard: I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye.
Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.
Howard: That’s not really necessary.
Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That’s what tertiary friends are for.
Scene: Raj’s Apartment. Leonard knocks on the door.
Raj (inside): Who is it?
Leonard: It’s Leonard.
Raj: You can’t come in.
Leonard: I just want to talk to her.
Raj: I forbid it.
Priya: Open the door, Rajesh.
Raj: You heard me. I forbidded it.
Priya: Forbidded it?
Raj: Forbaded it?
Priya: Get out of the way. What are you doing here?
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Priya: I have business in Los Angeles.
Leonard: Why didn’t you call?
Raj: Clearly, she was sending you a message to take a hike, Mike.
Priya: I’m sorry. I thought about calling, but I just wasn’t sure if seeing you was such a good idea.
Leonard: I know. Last time I came on too strong. Can we talk in private?
Raj: No!
Priya: Sure.
Raj: It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.
Howard: That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans.
Sheldon: Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
Priya: Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.
Howard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Why are you holding hands? I forbid you to hold hands.
Priya: Rajesh, you know Leonard and I spent the night together.
Raj: Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex.
Leonard: The word is forbade.
Raj: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.
Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.
Raj: There it is, Priya. We’re Indian. We believe this stuff.
Priya: I think it also says that if you eat beef, you need to live with cows for three months and drink their urine.
Raj: Some of it makes sense, some of it’s crazy. My point is, you can’t go out with Leonard.
Penny (arriving): Who can’t go out with Leonard?
Raj: My sister.
Leonard: Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya.
Priya: It’s very nice to meet you.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you, too.
Sheldon: Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.
Penny: Sheldon!
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Hey, Bernadette, can I talk to you for a second?
Bernadette: Sure.
Raj: Penny, you became disenchanted with Leonard as a lover. Would you please tell my sister why?
Howard: Listen, my mom’s going to Palm Springs to visit her sister. That’s two whole nights in a row I can sleep over with you all the way to morning. Unless the desert air dries out her sinuses, in which case I’ll have to schlep out there with the big humidifier.
Bernadette: That’s it? That’s your big solution to all of our problems? If your mom’s nose holds up, we get two nights together?
Howard: Isn’t that great?
Bernadette: No, it’s not great. You need to make a choice. Me or your mother.
Howard: Oh, uh…
Bernadette: Wrong answer.
Howard: No, wait. You didn’t let me finish.
Bernadette: I’m listening.
Howard: Uh…
Bernadette: Agh!
Scene: Penny’s apartment. (groans)
Amy: I came as quickly as I could.
Penny: Okay. Why?
Amy: To comfort you, of course. Sheldon told me about Leonard dating Rajesh’s sister. So I high-tailed it over here to pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
Penny: Amy, I’m fine.
Amy: You don’t have to be strong for me. Now let’s talk about Priya, that man-stealing bitch.
Penny: What?
Amy: In situations like this, best girlfriends are often catty about the other woman. Rawr.
Penny: Really, I am not upset about Leonard and Priya.
Amy: Oh. Then perhaps you don’t understand what’s going on. Your former boyfriend has replaced you with what appears to be a very suitable mate. Arguably much more suitable than you.
Penny: Oh. Well, good for him. Hey, what do you mean, more suitable?
Amy: Well, granted, Penny, your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious. But Priya is highly educated, she’s an accomplished professional, and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.
Penny: Yeah. Okay, I got it. I got it. So, what is all that stuff?
Amy: This is a portable electroencephalogram. I’m doing research on emotions and brain activity. So when you start crying, I can see which region of the brain is activated. Then I’m going to stimulate the analogous area in the brain of a rhesus monkey and see if he cries. Cool, huh?
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment. Howard knocks on door.
Howard: I choose you.
Bernadette: Really?
Howard: Yep. I moved out of my mother’s house. Cord is cut. I’m all yours.
Bernadette: What did she say when you told her?
Howard: I don’t know. She hasn’t responded to my email yet.
Bernadette: This is so great. I love you, Howard.
Howard: I love you, too. So what’s for dinner?
Bernadette: Well, I don’t really have much of anything in the house.
Howard: That’s fine. Why don’t we go fool around in our bedroom? And then you can go shopping.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I thought maybe after we eat, we could see an early movie.
Priya: I’d love that.
Leonard: I love the way you say, I’d love that.
Raj: She says it the same way I do. I’d love that. Everybody in India says it that way. It’s not a big deal.
Priya: Rajesh, don’t be a child.
Raj: I’m not being a child. Leonard, I swear to God, if your sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her.
Leonard: My sister’s 38 and married.
Raj: All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.
Penny: Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza.
Sheldon: That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an expl*sive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.
Priya: Hi. Penny, right?
Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.
Penny: If I had more than a box of baking soda in my refrigerator, I wouldn’t have to take that.
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny: Hi. So, um, Priya, you’re a lawyer, right?
Priya: I know. Pretty boring, huh?
Leonard: Oh, come on. It’s not boring at all. She’s currently helping set up a secondary derivative market which would allow overseas car firms to hedge their investments against potential advancements in battery technology. Hmm?
Priya: Thank you, Leonard. That doesn’t make it sound boring at all.
Amy: So, how you holding up?
Penny: I’m fine.
Amy: Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking.
Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be p*rn.
Sheldon: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn’t do the audition.
Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?
Priya: I took acting classes when I was at Cambridge. I loved it. We did Taming of the Shrew.
Leonard: Oh, wow. I love Taming of the Shrew. I did a paper on it in high school. Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
Priya: In his tongue.
Leonard: Whose tongue?
Priya: Yours, if you talk of tails, and so farewell.
Leonard: What, with my tongue in your tail?
Amy: I’m regretting my earlier cattiness. She is an absolute delight.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Wow.
Howard: Wow, indeed.
Bernadette: I can’t believe we’re finally living together.
Howard: Yeah. You know what would make this moment perfect?
Bernadette: What?
Howard: A little snack. You got any string cheese?
Bernadette: No. I, I might have some cheddar.
Howard: Not as good. You can’t make strings with it. Remind me to put it on your shopping list.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: You have hypo-allergenic detergent?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Better put it on the list. If you wash my underwear with regular soap, I get little red bumps on my tuchus.
Bernadette: Wait a second. I’m doing your laundry?
Howard: Well, honey, it’s not gonna do itself. Oh, before I forget, tomorrow morning, you’re driving me to the dentist.
Bernadette: I have to take you?
Howard: You don’t have to take me. You get to take me.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. Are you telling me your mother usually takes you to the dentist?
Howard: It’s not weird. There’s lots of kids there with their moms.
Bernadette: I can’t believe this.
Howard: What? It’s fun. If I have no cavities, afterwards, we go out for a treat.
Bernadette: All right, Howard, let’s get something straight right now. I’m not going to be your mother.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where did that come from?
Scene: Howard’s house.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Who’s that? Is it a sex criminal?
Howard: Nobody wants to do that to you, Ma.
Mrs Wolowitz: Where were you?
Howard: Didn’t you read my email?
Mrs Wolowitz: You know I can’t turn on that ferkakta computer. I left you some brisket on the kitchen counter.
Howard: Thank you.
Mrs Wolowitz: Remember to floss after. We have the dentist in the morning!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, hey. What’s up?
Amy: I just wanted to check in on you.
Penny: Why?
Amy: It seems like the appropriate thing to do when one’s best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman with the smouldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.
Penny: I already told you, I’m okay with it. I mean, if anything, I’m quite pleased (starting to blub) that Leonard has found someone (starting to blub) that makes him so happy.
Amy: It’s okay, it’s okay.
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Now, let’s get these electrodes attached and see what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours.
Penny: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: I smell Chinese food.
Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.
Penny: Are Leonard and Priya here?
Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.
Penny: Oh. Where’s Raj?
Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.
Penny: How about Howard?
Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.
Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I guess it’s just the two of us, huh?
Sheldon: Actually, it’s the three of us.
Amy (on webcam): What up, bestie? Good news. Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.
Penny: Great.
Amy: So, you feeling better?
Penny: Not really.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset.
Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s not optional. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?
Leonard: Okay, I’m out of here.
Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?
Leonard: I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?
Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Leonard: Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight?
Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Leonard: Just come with me to Raj’s.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.
Leonard: It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.
Leonard: How come it’s not a party when we do it here?
Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.
Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not?
Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.
Leonard: I guess you’re right. See you later.
Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?
Leonard: Come with me to Raj’s and eat there.
Sheldon: I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?
Leonard: I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve.
Sheldon: But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.
Leonard: What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?
Sheldon: No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.
Credits sequence.
Sheldon: Oh, dear!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of d*ad pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
Leonard: So don’t watch TV. Read a book.
Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.
Leonard: Ugh!
Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: Is it about me or the d*ad pixels?
Raj: Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.
Leonard: Oh, sounds great.
Sheldon: Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.
Priya: Hey, you.
Leonard: Hi.
Howard: That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth?
Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.
Priya: There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.
Leonard: Just sit here.
Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.
Raj: Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.
Priya: Do you want a margarita, Sheldon?
Sheldon: A margarita? Where are we? What is happening?
Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya?
Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella.
Penny: Where are all your friends?
Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?
Penny: Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy?
Sheldon: I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.
Penny: Oh, the horror.
Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?
Penny: Ugh!
Sheldon: Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?
Amy (on phone): Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj’s, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn’t look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.
Amy: Wise.
Penny: There you go. Just like recovering alcoholics drink in the Caribbean.
Amy: Hi, bestie.
Penny: Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been?
Amy: Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.
Penny: Yeah, it’s a great time to be alive, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you’re all probably gonna be hanging out there more.
Amy: Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin.
Penny: Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.
Amy: Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise.
Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck.
Amy: Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.
Sheldon: Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.
Amy: I’m not saying that you’re not fun. You’re the most fun person I know.
Penny: A lot of people think I’m fun to be around.
Amy: Don’t be needy, bestie. That’s probably part of what chased Leonard away. What I am saying, Sheldon, is that your group is Leonard-centric. If it were a town, it would be Leonardville. If it were an Islamic nation, Leonardstan. If it were the birthplace of motion pictures, we’d all be singing Hooray for Leonardwood.
Penny: Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you’d be called Leonard and the Leonards.
Amy: So needy.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: What you doing?
Sheldon: I’m setting out snacks.
Leonard: You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight?
Sheldon: I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?
Leonard: You’re having people over?
Sheldon: Yes. Must be k*lling you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.
Leonard: Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here?
Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him.
Leonard: Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek.
Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.
Leonard: Of course. Good night.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: But change is a part of life.
Leonard: It certainly is.
Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.
Leonard: I am leaving.
Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.
Leonard: Good-bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon: And good-bye to you, sir. He’ll be back.
Leonard: Of course I’ll be back. I live here!
Scene: The apartment, later.
Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?
Stuart: Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.
Sheldon: That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?
Zack: I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me?
Sheldon: Of course. Barry?
Barry: I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?
Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.
Barry: One more question…
Sheldon: Yes, you must be present to win.
Zack: Okay, I’m ready. I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… oh, crap, why is this so hard?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Oh, hey.
Bernadette: Hi.
Amy: Yo, P-dog.
Penny: What’s up?
Bernadette: We’re here to kidnap you for a girls’ night out.
Amy: Parenthetical, the term kidnap is being used playfully.
Penny: I kind of figured that.
Amy: Good. Now put this pillowcase over your head.
Penny: No.
Amy: She used to be much more fun, until Leonard punched her in the heart.
Bernadette: We just thought you might want to go out and have a good time, maybe go dancing.
Penny: Oh. Gee, thanks, but I’m not really in the mood.
Amy: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.
Penny: Okay, look, if I agree to go out with you guys, will you promise to stop pestering me about Leonard and Priya?
Amy: Yes.
Bernadette: Sure.
Penny: All right. I’ll go change. Come on in.
Amy: If you’d have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn’t have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber.
Scene: The apartment.
Zack: Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.
Sheldon: Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?
Barry: Weally? That’s your question?
Zack: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.
Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?
Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes.
Zack: Nice. Now, what exactly are toes?
Stuart: Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.
Zack: Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice…
Sheldon: The water level rose.
Zack: No.
Sheldon: Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.
Barry: Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue.
Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.
Barry: Does yours have wet bweasts in it?
Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.
Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her.
Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!
Zack: No, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don’t know why. Just do.
Sheldon: All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun.
Barry: That all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place?
Zack: Great, I’ll make a beer run.
Stuart: And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.
Barry: Check.
Sheldon: I’m unhappy.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Leonard: This is delicious. Where’d you learn to make chili?
Priya: When I was at university in England, my flatmate was from Texas.
Leonard: I hope she wasn’t anything like my flatmate from Texas.
Priya: Sheldon is a bit quirky, isn’t he?
Howard: Oh, please. That crazy bastard’s looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
Leonard: Did you know that, per our roommate agreement, I have to wash my feet before I get in the shower? And not in the sink. We each have special buckets.
Howard: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God, you’re kidding.
Raj: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said, maybe if you weren’t so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista.”
Leonard: Bam. Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to a rare and wonderful Sheldon-free evening.
Leonard: Hear, hear.
Howard: Cheers. You realize that’s the first time we’ve ever done that without having to listen to Sheldon tell us why it’s called a toast?
Priya: Why is it called a toast?
Leonard: Oh, the ancient Romans put spiced toast in their punch bowls.
Raj: Sheldon tells it better.
Leonard: He kind of does.
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: Aw, hell, I miss him.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
Bernadette: We were hoping you’d know a place.
Amy: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young, beautiful bodies sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I know that place. What do you think?
Amy: That should display enough of your bosom to attract a new mate, or a hungry infant.
Penny: Okay, let’s go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy.
Bernadette: But you could if you wanted to, right?
Penny: Well, yeah, I guess.
Bernadette: Pick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie?
Penny: More or less.
Amy: What’s that like?
Penny: I don’t know. It’s fun while you’re doing it. And then after, it’s mostly embarrassment, self-loathing and regret.
Bernadette: I would take that deal all day long.
Penny: Yeah, well, it’s not gonna happen tonight. You know, for the first time in my life, I am not in a relationship, and I’m totally okay with it.
Amy: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I’d be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies I’ve perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
Penny: Um, no.
Amy: You should get one.
Bernadette: What’s that?
Amy: It appears to be something preserved between two pieces of acrylic.
Penny: Oh, it’s a snowflake from the North Pole. Leonard gave it to me last year.
Bernadette: Oh, God, that is so romantic.
Penny: Yeah, it was.
Bernadette: Leonard’s really one of a kind.
Amy: Saying that while holding a snowflake is a little bit heavy-handed, don’t you think?
Penny: Let me see that. Oh, screw it. I can deal with a little self-loathing. Let’s go find me a heinie to bite.
Amy: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.
Bernadette: That’s kind of creepy.
Scene: The apartment. Barry and Zack are singing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”
Stuart: Anybody do Walking on Sunshine yet?
Sheldon: No.
Stuart: Dibs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Priya: I’m sorry, Sheldon bought a loom and learned how to weave?
Leonard: He actually got pretty good. He made us all matching serapes.
Raj: I still wear mine when there’s a nip in the air.
Priya: Now, was this before or after he adopted the 25 cats?
Leonard: Long before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency.
Sheldon (outside): (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends.
Howard: I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.
Raj: Come on in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Leonard: Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies.
Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Priya: Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon: Are there beans in it?
Priya: Yes.
Sheldon: Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
Priya: Sheldon, do you want some or not?
Sheldon: Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered.
Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.
All: Cheers.
Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?
Priya: Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.
Sheldon: She’s also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.
Scene: The apartment. Stuart is singing “Walking on Sunshine”. Barry and Zack are doing backing vocals.
LeVar Burton: Hello? I… Oh, I don’t think so. I am so done with Twitter. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x17 - The Toast Derivation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Priya: Morning.
Leonard: Morning.
Priya: Sleep okay?
Leonard: Mm-hmm. Great. Hey, can I ask you something?
Priya: Sure.
Leonard: Last night, me wanting to try that stuff out of the Kama Sutra, was that fun for you or kinda racially insensitive?
Priya: Yeah, just because you’re in bed with an Indian woman, you think that gives you permission to use crazy positions from an ancient Indian love manual?
Leonard: Hey, if you can find a book called weird sex with white boys, I’d be okay with that.
Priya: No, you have such beautiful eyes. Have you ever thought about getting contacts?
Leonard: I tried in the seventh grade. I could never get used to them.
Priya: Oh, that’s too bad.
Leonard: Yeah, if I had contacts I would have been the coolest debate club president ever to be stuffed into his own cello case.
Priya: If you had them on now, you could see what we’re going to do next.
Leonard: Th-th-th-that’s okay. I can infer from context.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Hey, Raj, wanna see a new magic trick I’ve been working on?
Sheldon: Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel prize acceptance speech.
Raj: Is the trick making him disappear? Sure, let’s see it.
Howard: Here, shuffle these.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Now spread them out on the table face down. Pick one, look at it.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Now remember your card, put it back in the deck.
Sheldon: Is it any wonder he doesn’t have a doctorate?
Howard: Remind me, what’s your birthday?
Raj: October sixth.
Howard: Okay, October is the tenth month. So ten, one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. Turn over the seventh card.
Raj: How about that!
Howard: Is that your card?
Raj: Yes, it is. Very cool!
Sheldon: It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?
Howard: A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.
Sheldon: Fine. Give me a second.
Howard: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
(Leonard enters, bumps into random man)
Random man: Oh, hey!
Leonard: Sorry! Oop!
(Continues across room bumping into nearly everyone in the room and knocking many things over)
Leonard: Sorry! Pardon me! Oh, I’m so sorry! My fault! Check it out. I just got contacts.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: One, two, three, four, five. No way.
Howard: That’s your card, right?
Penny: Seven of clubs! That is amazing!
Sheldon: It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.
Howard: Oh, really? So how did I do it?
Sheldon: Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.
Howard: I thought you had more important things to think about.
Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.
Penny: Oh, big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.
Sheldon: Not knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?
Leonard: Hey, guys, what do you think? Priya took me clothes shopping.
Penny: Hey, you look great. Good for you, Priya. I could never get that stupid hoodie off him when we were… well, you look great.
Leonard: Thank you.
Priya: Lets go hang everything up.
Leonard: Yeah, good. New contacts. I should have done this years ago.
Howard: So you finally getting used to them doing it on a daily basis?
Penny: I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants.
Howard: Yeah, I was talking to Raj.
Penny: Oopsy.
Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I’ll do the trick with that.
Sheldon: So you’re saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: I’m saying believe in magic, you muggle.
Penny: You know, well, I’m happy Leonard’s found someone. Not that anybody asked.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Priya: How many Star Trek uniforms do you have?
Leonard: Just two. Everyday and dress.
Priya: Uh-huh. Listen, we need to talk about something.
Leonard: Oh, my god, you’re breaking up with me! Why would you take me out shopping and then break up with me? That is so cruel.
Priya: Leonard, I’m not breaking up with you.
Leonard: Oh, okay. So, what’s up?
Priya: It’s a little weird, your ex-girlfriend hanging out here all the time.
Leonard: I know. I usually never see my ex-girlfriends, unless their hard drives crash.
Priya: I’m just saying, how would you feel if I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend?
Leonard: Um, not great, I guess. But Penny and I are just friends.
Priya: I don’t care. This is a woman you have slept with. If you want her around, then I have to wonder if maybe you’re not ready to move on.
Leonard: No, no-no-no, I’m ready! I gave up the gift of sight for you. If that’s not moving on, what is?
Priya: You need to cut the cord with Penny.
Leonard: Oh. Okay.
Priya: You don’t sound very confident.
Leonard: No, no, I’m confident. It’s not like I’m unfamiliar with the get lost conversation. Although, this will be the first time I’ll be the one saying it.
Priya: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Leonard: Sure. Oh, god, you smell so good. Of course, that could just be my other senses getting stronger. Hypothetically, if I had access To a Lieutenant Uhura uniform, would you wear it?
Priya: Leonard, it is a source of great pain to me and my family that my brother has that outfit in his wardrobe. Can we not discuss it?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I’m, never mind.
Scene: The apartment
Howard: And was your card the jack of diamonds?
Penny: Oh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet?
Sheldon: Um…
Penny: Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can’t figure out how I got his nose.
Howard: You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!
Penny: Hey, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, please, if I don’t know, you don’t know. That’s axiomatic.
Penny: Come here. (Whispers to Howard)
Howard: You’re right.
Penny: Not too bad for someone who doesn’t know what axiomatic means.
Scene: The laundry room.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: Hey, you. What happened with the contacts?
Leonard: One of them’s upstairs. The other one sort of slipped back into my skull.
Penny: Hey, is that one of the new shirts Priya got you?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: You don’t wanna wash that.
Leonard: No?
Penny: No, that’s silk. Seriously, what would you do without me?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: You know, I gotta tell you, I think you got a real winner with Priya.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too.
Penny: She seems really sweet. Believe me, you do not want to take that for granted. There are a lot of bitches out there.
Leonard: Yeah, bitches are the worst.
Penny: All right, well I’ll see you later.
Leonard: Uh, Penny, there’s something I have to tell you.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Okay, uh, how do I put this? Um, are you familiar with Darwin’s observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
Penny: Did they make a movie about it?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Then no.
Leonard: All right, well, anyway, Darwin observed that when two groups of finches competed over the same food source, eventually one of them would evolve a different beak shape so they could feed on something else.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So what do you think we can learn from that behaviour that we can apply to our own lives?
Penny: Uh, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?
Leonard: Sure, that has birds in it.
Penny: It’s fun talking to you, Leonard, I always learn stuff.
Leonard: I’m sorry, but I’m gonna count that.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom
Priya: Do you really have to wear that in bed?
Leonard: Yeah. The doctor didn’t want me to rub my eye during the night. It was either this or one of those giant neck cones.
Priya: So did you get to talk to Penny?
Leonard: Oh, yes. Indeed, I did.
Priya: And?
Leonard: She completely understood everything I said. Case closed.
Priya: Was she upset?
Leonard: Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are.
Priya: I hope you weren’t cruel to her.
Leonard: Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.
Leonard: I am not opening that door, Sheldon.
Sheldon: As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?
Leonard: Yep.
Sheldon: (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?
Leonard: (Not looking) Nope.
Sheldon: Drat. Is this your card?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I’ll be right back.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is alone.
Sheldon: Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.
Leonard: Whatcha doin’?
Sheldon: I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick.
Leonard: What’s up with the infrared cameras?
Sheldon: I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.
Leonard: Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?
Sheldon: Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.
Leonard: Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.
Sheldon: Relax, we’re not under att*ck right now.
Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving before the black helicopters get here.
Sheldon: And is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.
Scene: A restaurant
Leonard: Is it r*cist that I took you to an Indian restaurant?
Priya: It’s okay, I like Indian food.
Leonard: Or as you probably call it back home, food.
Priya: Why didn’t you wear your contacts? Don’t you like them?
Leonard: No, no, I do. It’s just I knew I was having curry tonight and I only want one part of my body to burn at a time.
Priya: You know, my company offered me a position here in Los Angeles.
Leonard: Does that mean you’d relocate here permanently?
Priya: Maybe. What do you think?
Leonard:Oh, I love it. Oh, that’s great!
Penny (knocking on window): Hi! Hi! Just hang on.
Leonard: Small world.
Priya: You did talk to her, didn’t you?
Leonard: Of course, I did. I talked and talked and talked.
Penny: Hey! Look at Leonard in his fancy-ass grownup clothes. Way to go, Priya. For once, he doesn’t look like a mannequin in the boys’ department. Hey, did he tell you I saved the silk shirt?
Priya: No, he did not.
Penny: He was gonna throw it in the washing machine with his Spiderman underwear. That’s our Lenny, huh?
Priya: Yes, that’s our Lenny.
Penny: So, how’s the food here? Oh, wow, that is really, really good. Oh, I’m sorry. You guys are on a date. We can hang out anytime. Have fun.
Leonard: Bye.
Priya: Good night.
Penny: Oh, that’s, hot, hot, hot, hot! Whoo! It really sneaks up on ya, huh? All right, I gotta go.
Leonard: It is pretty spicy.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it.
Howard: I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?
Raj: Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down?
Sheldon: All right. Pick a card.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.
Howard: What’s with the wand and the beep?
Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.
Raj: These cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It’s transmitting to your phone.
Sheldon: I said, ta-da. Show’s over.
Howard: That’s pathetic. Let me show you how a real magician does it. Raj, take a card. Don’t let me see it.
Raj: Okay.
Howard: Three of clubs. (It isn’t)
Raj: Son of a g*n, you’re bl*wing my mind!
Howard: Bippity-boppity-boo-yah!
Sheldon: That does it. I’m getting uranium.
Raj: You ever gonna tell him?
Howard: Maybe. When it stops being fun.
Raj: So never.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hey, I was just on my way to work.
Leonard: Oh, okay, it’s not important. It can wait.
Penny: No, it’s all right. Walk me down. So, what’s up?
Leonard: Uh, I kind of have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.
Penny: Sure, anything.
Leonard: Move out.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Well, uh, not far. Hey, if you ever wanna start a family, La Cañada has some great schools.
Penny: Okay, I’m not moving anywhere. What the hell is this all about?
Leonard: Why does it have to be about anything? Can’t a fella ask his buddy to relocate, no questions asked?
Penny: Oh, for god’s sake, Leonard, this is about Priya, isn’t it? She doesn’t want me hanging out with you.
Leonard: Yes. There, I said it.
Penny: Okay, look, I happen to like your girlfriend.
Leonard: And she likes you.
Penny: No, she doesn’t.
Leonard: Not really, no.
Penny: It doesn’t matter. Look, I promise from now on I will keep my distance from you.
Leonard: Well, now, hold on. What kind of distance are we talking about? Because we are neighbours. I mean, I can hear the toilet flush in your apartment.
Penny: You can hear my toilet flush?
Leonard: I don’t listen for it, but it’s nice to know everything’s okay with your plumbing. The building’s plumbing.
Penny: Leonard, I get it. You’re in a new relationship now. And I’m happy for you. So why don’t we just shake hands and part friends?
Leonard: Well, now hold on, how about this? How about we still hang out, but on the down-low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard: No. I actually felt kinda silly just saying on the down-low.
Penny: Good-bye, Leonard.
Leonard: Penny, wait. (Bumps into door) Damned contacts.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Incoming.
Raj: Hi!
Howard: Hey!
Sheldon: Hello.
Raj: Why so glum, chum?
Sheldon: Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.
Howard: Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet?
Sheldon: Figure out the magic trick yet?
Howard: Want me to tell you how to do it?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: I’ll show you one more time. Raj?
Sheldon: Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.
Howard: All right. (Raj looks over Sheldon’s shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.
Sheldon: I hate you.
Howard: Yeah, he’s gonna win the Nobel prize. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x18 - The Prestidigitation Approximation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment
Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?
Policeman: Here. Breathe into this bag.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: They stole everything, Leonard, everything.
Policeman: Are you the roommate?
Leonard: Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened?
Policeman: Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.
Leonard: Oh, my God, what did they get?
Sheldon: What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted w*apon, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.
Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.
Policeman: Into the bag.
Sheldon: They took my battle ostrich.
Leonard: Oh, no, not Glenn?
Sheldon: Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved.
Policeman: Good luck, fellas.
Leonard: Thank you, officer.
Sheldon: Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?
Policeman: Mr. Cooper, there’s nothing…
Sheldon: Doctor Cooper.
Policeman: Seriously?
Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.
Policeman: Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora.
Sheldon: That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a g*n? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?
Policeman: What?
Sheldon: You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?
Policeman: No.
Leonard: Thank you, officer.
Sheldon: It’s all gone. All gone.
Leonard: I’m really sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of w*r.
Leonard: I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of w*r will have to call you back after his bath.
Sheldon: See if Raj is done with Pilates.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting w*apon and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.
Howard: Whoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn’t leave a digital fingerprint.
Sheldon: Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.
Raj: Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things.
Sheldon: Can we trust him?
Raj: I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.
Howard: Whoa! Somebody’s auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!
Sheldon: No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.
Penny: Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game.
Raj: Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.
Penny: Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!
Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
Penny: Just say thank you.
Sheldon: I thought I just did.
Penny: All right. See you later.
Priya: Oh! Hello.
Penny: Oh, hi! I was just dropping off a cheesecake to Sheldon. He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that’s useful in a make-believe place.
Priya: I don’t know what that means.
Penny: Yeah, well, sadly, I do.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Did you know last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading at the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I’m supposed to say that bitch, but I don’t have enough information.
Penny: I am the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. And he was so phobic about stepping on medical waste, I had to carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Penny: So what’s the thanks I get for turning Leonard into quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend.
Amy: I think you’re on.
Bernadette: Oh. That bitch!
Penny: Want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
Amy: Ah, here’s the alcohol and drug peer pressure Mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never going to happen. Yes, please.
Penny: You guys should’ve seen Leonard when I first met him. There was no eye contact. He was either looking up at the ceiling, or down at his shoes.
Amy: I’m drunk.
Penny: You know, for the first couple of months, whenever I would take off my bra, he would giggle and say, oh boy, my breast friends.
Bernadette: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m never speaking to Priya again.
Penny: No, don’t do that. No reason to be mean to her.
Amy: This may be the alcohol talking, but I believe there is. Are you familiar with the recent study of Tanzanian chimpanzees by Nishida and Hosaka out of Kyoto University?
Penny: No, but I can name all the Kardashians.
Amy: Primates, such as ourselves, have a natural instinct to ostracize ill-mannered members of the troop. Bernadette’s urge to shun, scowl or fling her waste at Priya is hard-wired into her DNA.
Bernadette: I don’t have an urge to fling my waste.
Amy: Believe me, it’s there, we all have it. h*t me with some more booze, and I’ll show you.
Scene: The apartment
Howard: All right, here we are, this is the tavern where all the black-market w*apon trades go down.
Raj: I don’t think my character should be in a place like this. Everyone’s undressing her with their eyes.
Howard: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up.
Leonard: Okay, what exactly are we looking for?
Howard: Redheaded troll, goes by the name of Glumly. According to the message boards, if you want to move stolen goods and it’s after school hours, he’s your guy.
Priya: Leonard, is this going to take much longer? I thought we were going to spend some time together.
Leonard: Uh, we are. In the meantime, you’re welcome to whip up a quick character and join us.
Priya: Seriously?
Leonard: Well, you have to put in a credit card number, but it’s fun.
Priya: Maybe I should just go home.
Howard: Our troll just walked in! I got him!
Leonard: We got him. We’re almost done.
Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?
Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.
Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.
Sheldon: I don’t care! I’m losin’ it, man!
Leonard: Why don’t we play this smart? Try a little good goblin, bad goblin.
Priya: Oh, dear Lord.
Howard: Nah, I think we have to be more subtle.
Raj: Okay, I see where this is going. Fine, I’ll have sex with him.
Leonard: That’s not where it was going.
Raj: Good, because I would hate that.
Priya: Leonard, you’re busy, let’s talk tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, wait. Hang on. Are you upset?
Priya: No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.
Leonard: Good, good. I’ll tell you what happens.
Sheldon: And people think I don’t get sarcasm.
Scene: The hallway.
Amy: Well, well, well. Look who it is.
Penny: Okay, be nice.
Priya: Hello.
Penny: Hi. We’re just heading out for a drink.
Amy: Because I do that now.
Bernadette: Count your blessings you’re not a Tanzanian chimp.
Priya: What?
Penny: Don’t listen to her, she’s had a lot of ice cream. Do you want to join us?
Priya: Oh, thank you, but I have work to do.
Amy: Four women walk down the stairs, how many reach the lobby?
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Did your sister say anything when you got home last night?
Raj: Oh, no, don’t put me in the middle of this. I’m not going to be your go-between.
Leonard: Come on, help me out. Am I in trouble?
Raj: There’s no reason to worry.
Leonard: That’s a relief.
Raj: I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.
Howard: Good news, gentlemen, I found our hacker.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Really?
Howard: Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.
Sheldon: I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!
Howard: Thanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.
Raj: What else do we know about him?
Howard: Well, quite a bit, actually.
Leonard: I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.
Howard: Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth sh*t of their house.
Sheldon: Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.
Leonard: Hold on, you’re thinking of going there?
Sheldon: Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.
Leonard: Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?
Sheldon: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of t*rture.
Leonard: No one’s getting tortured.
Sheldon: Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?
Raj: I totally had one of those.
Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?
Raj: I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after?
Sheldon: Sure.
Howard: Also, tonight’s the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and
watching Wheel of Fortune, so If we could leave at eight, we’d still be able to regain our birthright at ten, ten thirty latest.
Sheldon: Fine. Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, geez, I don’t know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.
Raj: Oh, come on, man. Bros before… my sister.
Leonard: Aw, screw it. I’m in.
Raj: Me, too.
Howard: And me.
Sheldon: One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.
Scene: Howard’s house
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I thought this delay was so you could watch Wheel of Fortune with your mother.
Howard: I am. She’s just bleaching her moustache. Check it out. Hey, Ma! Before and After! Four words, 17 letters, two N’s, one V.
Howard’s Mother (off): Fanny pack of wolves.
Leonard: That’s incredible.
Howard: Yeah, she’s kind of a Wheel savant.
Leonard (phone rings): Uh-oh, that’s Priya.
Raj: Sitar music for her ringtone is not cool, dude.
Leonard: h*t the… Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m gonna be working late. I, I, I miss you, too. Okay, sure, I’ll call you when I get home. Okay, bye-bye.
Raj: Very nice. You lie to my sister.
Howard: That’s the nicest thing he does to your sister.
Raj (phone rings): Oh, guess who.
Leonard: Cover for me.
Raj: Hello, Priya. What’s up? How would I know if Leonard’s at work or not? Don’t be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you’re going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You owe me.
Howard: New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.
Howard’s Mother (off): Whoopi and Rube Goldberg!
Sheldon: That’s uncanny.
Howard: I know. It’s her superpower. Well, that and jiggling her arm fat.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Leonard: I can’t believe we’re going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
Howard: Yeah, we’re kind of bad-asses, aren’t we?
Leonard: Totally.
Raj: Hey, how about we stay the night and h*t Legoland in the morning?
Sheldon: Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.
Raj: Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.
Sheldon: I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us k*lled?
Raj: I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
Sheldon: This says Beyonce Bootylicious Dance Mix.
Raj: It’s a re-writable CD. Just put it in.
Howard: Beyonce? Really?
Raj: She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that.
Leonard (as Ride of the Valkyries begins): Oh, yeah, I’m feeling it.
Sheldon: We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.
Scene: Stuck in a traffic tailback.
Howard: Next time we go to kick someone’s ass, we take the train.
Sheldon: I always prefer the train.
Scene: Outside Todd Zarnecki’s house.
Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go.
Sheldon: Coming.
Howard: Why did you bring that?
Sheldon: No w*apon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.
Leonard: Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody.
Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: Can I at least kick down the door?
Leonard: You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)
Voice Inside: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don’t say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point. Basket of puppies.
Huge man (opening door): What?
Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?
Todd: Yeah. Who are you?
Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.
Todd: I don’t think so. Let me see that.
Sheldon: Careful. That’s a collectible.
Todd: I know. I’ve always wanted one. (Closes door)
Sheldon: Well, he’s even more cunning than we thought.
Scene: Leonard’s car.
Sheldon: You know, the joke’s on him. Without the certificate of authenticity, that bat’leth is worthless.
Howard: Yeah, he walked right into our trap.
Raj: Legoland seems like a hollow dream now.
Leonard: Oh-oh.
Raj: What’s the matter?
Leonard: Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?
Sheldon: Of course.
Raj: Very basic.
Howard: 19th-century technology.
Leonard: Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: No, not a clue.
Leonard: Well, we’d better call somebody to come pick us up.
Sheldon: It’d be swell if they had a train.
Scene: Penny’s car.
Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: No problem. So, Leonard, I think it’s interesting you didn’t call your girlfriend to come get you.
Leonard: Uh, I kind of told her I was working.
Penny: So you lied to her. Also interesting.
Leonard: Yeah, she doesn’t really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing.
Penny: Well, doesn’t matter if she gets it, as long as she’s pretty.
Howard: This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?
Penny: So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back?
Sheldon: No. We failed in our noble quest.
Penny: How come?
Sheldon: Todd Zarnecki was mean.
Penny: All right. Hang on.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I’m gonna show you how we finish a quest in Nebraska. Oh. Beyonce. (Ride of the Valkyries) This ain’t no Beyonce.
Scene: Todd Zarnecki’s house. Todd answers the door.
Todd: Now what?
Penny: Give my friend his stuff back.
Todd: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Penny: Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.
Todd: Okay.
Sheldon: We did it! I said, we.
Scene: The lobby.
Priya: Oh, hold the door.
Penny: Oh, hi.
Priya: Hi.
Penny: Going to see Leonard?
Priya: Yes. How have you been?
Penny: Fine. You?
Priya: Very well, thank you.
(They ascend all three flights of stairs in silence.)
Penny: Alright, well great seeing you.
Priya: Yeah, you too.
Penny: Amy’s right. I do want to fling my poop at her. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x19 - The Zarnecki Incursion"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A bookstore.
Dr. Brian Greene: My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
Sheldon: Hysterical.
Amy: I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly.
Sheldon: Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.
Greene: You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle.
Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.
Amy: Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.
Amy: Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups.
Sheldon: Forgive my language, but poppycock.
Amy: What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish?
Sheldon: Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?
Amy: Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.
Sheldon: I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?
Greene: Yes?
Sheldon: You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.
Greene: Yes, in part.
Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?
Greene: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing on a Nintendo Wii.
Leonard: Nice sh*t.
Sheldon: Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.
Leonard: Perfect.
Sheldon: I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?
Leonard: sh**ting at a target?
Sheldon: With what?
Leonard: An arrow.
Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.
Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and s*ab Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.
Leonard: Really? How could you tell?
Sheldon: She was attempting to engage me in gossip.
Leonard: You don’t say?
Sheldon: Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.
Leonard: So, what’s the gossip?
Sheldon: Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.
Leonard: Fine, don’t tell me.
Sheldon: All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.
Leonard: Oh. That’s too bad. I wonder what happened.
Sheldon: Mm, it’s hard to say. I can only speculate based on the data I collected watching my parents’ marriage implode. In that case, the woman dives into religion, while the man dives into a bottle-blonde bartender who tries to buy my love with action figures. Oop! Out of arrows.
Leonard: Boy, you sure get your money’s worth out of these games.
Scene: The bathroom.
Leonard: – Priya, can I come in?
Priya: Sure.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Priya: What?
Leonard: It’s okay. You didn’t know. I’ll take care of it.
Priya: What, what did I do?
Leonard: Sheldon doesn’t allow flossing that close to the mirror.
Priya: You’re kidding.
Leonard: It’s a splatter thing. There’s a little piece of tape on the floor you’re supposed to stand behind.
Priya: That’s madness.
Leonard: I know. Just do it. There’s a big inspection coming up, and I don’t want to lose my TV privileges.
Priya: You really need to let me take a look at that roommate agreement one of these days.
Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. I get a lawyer, he gets a lawyer, it’s just easier to stand behind the tape.
Priya: Oh, by the way, a fellow at work said I could use his Dodger tickets this weekend. Does that sound like fun?
Leonard: Yeah! Dodgers are baseball, right?
Priya: You’ll need to explain the game to me.
Leonard: Mm, it’s complicated, but as I remember it, the essentials are, get chosen last, get h*t by the ball, cry, go home.
Priya: Well, regardless, I’ve got four tickets, and I was thinking we can bring Bernadette and Howard. She’s really interesting, and I bet I can get used to him.
Leonard: Well, it might not be a great idea to invite those two.
Priya: Why not?
Leonard: Don’t tell anybody I told you, but I heard she might be breaking up with him.
Priya: Oh, too bad. Although I do know one person for whom that’s good news.
Leonard: Really? Who?
Priya: My brother. He’s got a big crush on Bernadette.
Leonard: What? You’re kidding!
Priya: Mmm. I found poems he wrote about her. Very disturbing. Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Leonard: Wow, that’s hard to believe.
Priya: Yes. And for years, everyone in my family was convinced that he was the clarinet enthusiast. Hmm. What’s that piece of tape?
Leonard: Oh, that one doesn’t apply to you. You sit.
Scene: The lobby.
Leonard: Hey!
Penny: Hey! How’s it going?
Leonard: Not too bad. Did you hear about Howard and Bernadette?
Penny: ‘Course I heard about it. How did you hear about it?
Leonard: I heard about it from Sheldon. He got it from Amy.
Penny: Oh, damn it. I told Amy that in the strictest confidence. Boy, some people are such blabbermouths. Well, whatever, I’m sure Bernadette can do better.
Leonard: Do you think a sexually ambivalent Indian astrophysicist with selective mutism and alcohol issues is better than a hundred-pound Jewish guy who lives with his mom?
Penny: You are kidding. Raj likes Bernadette?
Leonard: I didn’t say Raj. Who said Raj?
Penny: Okay, give. How do you know? Did he tell you?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Well, then who?
Leonard: I can’t say.
Penny: Priya told you. What a little gossip. You know, not an attractive quality in a woman, Leonard. Not judging, just my opinion.
Leonard: Well, The point is, if this got out, it would destroy Howard and Raj’s friendship.
Penny: You don’t have to worry. Unlike Amy and Priya, I know how to keep a secret.
Leonard: You’re the one who told Amy in the first place.
Penny: In confidence!
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy. How are you?
Mrs Koothrappali (on webcam): We’re very rich in a very poor country. So, all in all, can’t complain.
Dr Koothrappali: So, Priya, how are enjoying staying with your brother?
Priya: It’s fine. But if I’m going to stay in Los Angeles much longer, I think I should get my own place.
Mrs Koothrappali: Why? Is Rajesh not making you feel comfortable? Rajesh, why aren’t you making your sister comfortable?
Raj: I am making her comfortable. Besides, she’s not sleeping here half the time anyway.
Dr Koothrappali: What? Where are you sleeping, Priya?
Priya: It’s a figure of speech, Daddy. It means I-I work late.
Mrs Koothrappali: Please tell me you’re not dating an American. I knew this would happen. Rajesh, are you letting your sister date that little Howard boy?
Dr Koothrappali: Now, hold on. If she is dating an American, that’s not a bad way to go. He’s Jewish. Those chaps are very successful, and they don’t drink a lot.
Raj: It, it doesn’t matter. Howard has a girlfriend.
Priya: For now.
Raj: What does that mean?
Priya: I’ll tell you later.
Raj: Is something going on with him and Bernadette?
Mrs Koothrappali: Who’s Bernadette?
Dr Koothrappali: Doesn’t sound Jewish.
Mrs Koothrappali: You can’t tell by that. Winona Ryder is Jewish.
Dr Koothrappali: Okay, we’re getting off the subject. Rajesh, I want you to try harder to make your sister feel welcome.
Priya: Thank you, Daddy.
Raj: Don’t worry. Everything I have, I share with her. Including my friend Leon…
Priya: Good night, Mummy. Good night, Daddy.
Raj: Oh, my God, I think you broke my toe!
Priya: Well you should have kept your mouth shut.
Raj: Fair enough. Now, what’s up with Clarinet? Bernadette!
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about Dr. Greene’s efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains.
Raj: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard.
Sheldon: Now I’m thinking about Jell-O.
Raj: So what’s up?
Howard: It’s a Bernadette thing.
Raj: Oh, no. I hope everything’s okay.
Leonard: Whatever it is, we’re here for you. You can tell us anything.
Raj: Yeah. Good or devastating.
Howard: I’m gonna ask her to marry me.
Leonard: Marry you?
Raj: What?
Howard: Yeah. I just need to figure out the right time to pop the question.
Leonard: Oh, I’d wait.
Raj: No rush, no rush.
Howard (phone rings): Oh, great. It’s my cousin David about the ring. Hey, David, what’d you find? Oh, sure, a half a carat’s fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It’s one of the reasons I love her.
Leonard: Man, he’s going to be blindsided.
Raj: I know. It’ll be awful.
Sheldon: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: Yeah, Raj, why?
Raj: Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m back to trains. Woo-woo.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Did I tell you our lab got a grant to study addiction?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.
Sheldon: Have you learned anything?
Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.
Sheldon: If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.
Amy: By all means.
Sheldon: Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.
Amy: I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup.
Sheldon: I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.
Amy: It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory?
Sheldon: I’m familiar with everything, but go on.
Amy: Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host.
Sheldon: I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so. That’s gold.
Sheldon: Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?
Amy: Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?
Sheldon: It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.
Amy: We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip.
Sheldon: And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.
Amy: Then we’ll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.
Sheldon: Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. What’s up?
Amy: Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I’m thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum’s the word. Gotta go.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Bernadette: Oh, hey, Raj, what are you doing here?
Raj: I just felt like drinking alone, because I’m deep and dark.
Bernadette: Uh-huh. So, uh, Howard’s not here?
Raj: No. It’s just one of those times when it’s just you and me. Like when the three of us went to the movies and you and I waited outside the bathroom while Howard threw up Red Vines and Cherry Coke. Do you remember that?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Raj: Me, too. Good times.
Penny: Hey, 16 wants to order appetizers.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Raj: This was nice.
Penny: What the hell are you doing? Howard is your best friend, and that is his girlfriend. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Raj: I was when I came in, but it’s amazing what liquor does to guilt. Besides what you might not know is, Bernadette is planning on breaking up with Howard.
Penny: Well, I know that. How do you know that?
Raj: My sister told me.
Penny: Oh, that gossipy bitch! No offense.
Raj: None taken. You should hear how she talks about you.
Penny: Okay, listen, just because Howard and Bernadette are having problems, does not mean you should be here sniffing around.
Raj: What can I do? I can’t stop thinking about her.
Penny: All right, try thinking about this. Sheldon and Amy had sex.
Raj: Shut your ass!
Penny: Yeah, it’s true. Amy told me.
Raj: How did that even happen? Did they know that’s what they were doing when they were doing it?
Penny: I-I guess they just figured it out at some point.
Raj: Wow. I can’t believe old Smelly Pooper finally got laid.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey.
Leonard: Hope you’re hungry.
Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.
Leonard: Will Amy be joining us for dinner?
Sheldon: Yes, I believe so.
Leonard: Good, good. Everything okay between you two?
Sheldon: Yes. Why do you ask?
Leonard: No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.
Sheldon: Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?
Leonard: No. That’s not what he meant.
Sheldon: Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.
Leonard: Yeah, you do. You dog, you.
Sheldon: Did you get that?
Amy (on webcam): Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.
Sheldon: This is moving faster than we thought.
Amy: Agreed. It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you is giving me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: Slow down, Sheldon. I’m not quite there yet.
Scene: The apartment, later.
Leonard: Pass the soy sauce.
Howard: Sure.
Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.
Sheldon: Pun intended?
Amy: No. Happy accident.
Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.
Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.
Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.
Amy: Pun intended?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. What pun?
Amy: Not important. I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.
Sheldon: I wish you hadn’t done that. That’s going to make me a chick magnet, and I’m so busy as it is.
Howard: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can’t think of a better time than when I’m with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There’s lots of better times.
Raj: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski…
Bernadette: Oh, God. What’s happening?
Howard: I know things haven’t been perfect with us, and we’ve had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I…
Bernadette: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj: This is it.
Bernadette: Yes.
Howard: Yes, what?
Bernadette: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard: You will?
Raj: You will?
Bernadette: I will. I will!
Howard: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya: Oh, it’s so exciting.
Amy: I wonder what changed her mind.
Sheldon: Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.
Amy: As good an explanation as any.
Leonard: That’s great.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. Bernadette just texted me. Howard proposed?
Amy: Yes, not important. Just stopped by to let you know I’m getting orthotics. Also, I’m carrying Sheldon’s baby. Mum’s the word.
Scene: The stairwell, moments later. Leonard is reading a text message.
Leonard: You’re pregnant?
Amy: Wow. Is there anything on there about orthotics? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x20 - The Herb Garden Germination"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The bathroom
Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.
Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.
Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.
Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.
Leonard: What kind of emergency?
Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.
Leonard: You might not want to do that.
Sheldon: I assure you I do.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not alone in here.
Sheldon: What?
Priya: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.
Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.
Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.
Sheldon: Come on, you can’t wait two minutes?
Priya: Oh, Leonard, let the man pee.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Move. Move. Move!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, you are officially charged with two violations of the roommate agreement. Do you waive reading of the charges?
Leonard: Yeah, fine.
Priya: Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges.
Leonard: Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.
Priya: Proceed.
Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under att*ck by water-soluble aliens.
Priya: Can I see the roommate agreement?
Sheldon: Um, it’s fairly technical.
Priya: I think I can handle it.
Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.
Priya: All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do so, do so.
Priya: Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.
Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.
Priya: My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.
Sheldon: But…
Priya: There’s no buts, Sheldon, that’s how the law works.
Leonard: Schooled!
Priya: As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.
Leonard: Superceded!
Sheldon: This isn’t over.
Leonard: No offence, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that’s happened today.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Mmm, Greek food on pizza night? This is the most delightfully cruel thing we’ve done to Sheldon since we left that fake message from Stephen Hawking on his voice mail.
Priya: Seriously?
Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.
Sheldon: What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night.
Leonard: I’d like to refer that to my attorney.
Priya: According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.
Sheldon: Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.
Howard: That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?
Priya: A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?
Sheldon: No.
All: Opa!
Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.
Leonard: Not as much as you.
Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.
Leonard: I got you the lamb kabob.
Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
Scene: Penny’s door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?
Penny: Hey. What’s up?
Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.
Penny: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.
Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.
Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.
Sheldon: g*n.
Scene: A bar.
Penny: Okay, I’d like to propose a toast to a wonderful girls night out.
Amy: Fair warning, we can get ker-razy.
Bernadette: Yeah. Last week we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.
Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
Amy: Why did you bring him? He’s harshing my buzz.
Penny: I felt sorry for him. Priya’s giving him a hard time.
Bernadette: Ooh, the Priya bashing’s starting early. Yay! Okay, what’s up with those pantsuits?
Amy: I need some context.
Penny: Pantsuits suck.
Amy: And that opens her up To justifiable ridicule for wearing them. Good one, Bernadette. See? Ker-razy.
Scene: The same, later.
Bernadette: Whee-ee-ee!
Amy: You smell like baby powder.
Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.
Amy: Oh, I’m not confused at all. You’re like a sexy toddler.
Sheldon: I don’t know how to process that.
Bernadette: I do. Amy and Sheldon sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-S-S-I-N-G.
Penny: That’s too many S’s for kissing.
Bernadette: Not if they’re doing it for a long time.
Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?
Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.
Bernadette: That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious?
Penny: Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?
Amy: I’m available for experimentation.
Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.
Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).
Sheldon: I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.
Penny: Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.
Bernadette: Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.
Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.
Penny: Did you take dance lessons?
Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.
Penny: Oh, we are so taking you dancing.
Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.
Bernadette: Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?
Sheldon: I saved a nun’s life. Why am I being punished?
Scene: A taxi.
Penny: Take us to a place we can waltz.
Taxi driver: Where you can what?
Sheldon: Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )
Taxi Driver: Here we go.
Amy (singing): I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.
Sheldon: What happened to you?
Scene: A Korean ballroom dancing club. Sheldon and Amy are dancing.
Penny: Shake it baby, shake it!
Bernadette: Muy caliente, Sheldon!
Elderly Korean Gentleman: Care to dance?
Bernadette: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m engaged.
Korean: How about you?
Penny: Oh, what the hell. Ooh!
Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.
Amy: How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?
Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?
Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.
Sheldon: And there’s your answer.
Amy: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?
Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.
Amy: I have yoo-hoo.
Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.
Amy: Make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?
Amy: Oh, that’s just Ricky.
Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?
Amy: Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.
Sheldon: What’s he doing here?
Amy: I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.
Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?
Amy: A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.
Sheldon: is he deliberately bl*wing smoke at me?
Amy: Yeah. He’s kind of an ass.
Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?
Amy: Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?
Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.
Amy: And you want me to k*ll her? Done.
Sheldon: No, of course not.
Amy: I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to sh**t a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.
Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.
Amy: Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?
Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, as*ault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.
Amy: You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?
Amy: Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Amy: I hope you don’t take what I’m about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits)
Sheldon (to Ricky): Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.
Leonard: Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last b*ttlefield?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and thr*at to blow up the Enterpriseand k*ll them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence activated.
Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
Priya: So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Priya: Oh, my God.
Leonard: What’s the big deal?
Priya: Trust me, it’s a big deal.
Leonard: They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon: 20 seconds.
Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?
Priya: Of course not.
Leonard: Then why can’t we tell your parents?
Priya: Please, don’t push this.
Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15.
Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard: No, he’s bluffing.
Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.
Leonard: It’s blackmail!
Sheldon: Nine.
Priya: We give up.
Sheldon: Eight.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug)
Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: Give him what he wants or we’re done.
Sheldon: Three.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Two.
Leonard: Okay, I’ll sign it!
Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is at his laptop.
Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.
Amy: It most assuredly is not.
Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?
Amy: Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?
Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.
Amy: Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here.
Sheldon: I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.
Amy: Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.
Leonard (off): Come on, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!
Sheldon: You’re preaching to the choir, sister. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x21 - The Agreement Dissection"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A public washroom. Amy and Penny are in cubicles, Bernadette is washing her hands.
Amy: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
Penny: Glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Amy: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now they have a delightful social aspect.
Bernadette: Amy, you must’ve been in the bathroom with other women before.
Amy: Of course I have. But they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.
Bernadette: Some women don’t like to get chummy when their panties are down.
Amy: You okay in there, bestie?
Penny: I’m fine.
Amy: The reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness, the inability to pass urine
Penny: Yeah, I said I’m fine. Stop talking to me.
Amy: She always this crabby when she urinates?
Bernadette: We’re really not that close.
Penny: Screw it. I’ll go later.
Amy: And I’ll be right by your side.
Scene: A shoe shop.
Bernadette: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Amy: No, it’s not. It’s a strategic manoeuvre. Leonard’s new girlfriend is testing Bernadette’s loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.
Bernadette: You think?
Amy: Of course. How does the cheetah att*ck a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Bernadette: Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Amy: Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn’t last a minute on the Serengeti.
Penny: Okay, Amy, you’re being silly. I am not concerned about who hangs out with who. And I certainly don’t have a problem with Leonard’s new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup. Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I’ll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
Bernadette: It doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell her we can’t make it.
Amy: Oh, no. You have to go.
Bernadette: I don’t understand. I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.
Amy: You are, with hair that smells like strawberries. And we’re going to use that to our advantage.
Penny: Wait. What are you talking about?
Amy: By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes a double agent inside the enemy camp. She could ferret out Priya’s tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information, such as, Leonard’s no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
Bernadette: I don’t know. I’m not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
Penny: Okay, I don’t know you people. I’m just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
Amy: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
Bernadette: I don’t want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.
Credits sequence
Leonard: Okay, see you later.
Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
Leonard: That is good news. Bye.
Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
Leonard: That, that’s brilliant.
Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.
Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?
Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.
Leonard: All right.
Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.
Leonard: Elegant.
Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.
Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.
Sheldon: And…
Leonard: And what?
Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.
Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.
Leonard: Got it. Bye.
Sheldon: You know I’m right.
Leonard (outside apartment): I think he’s getting worse.
Amy: Oh, my metatarsal are barking.
Leonard: You okay?
Amy: Yeah, yeah. I’m just breaking in some new shoes.
Leonard: Very pretty.
Amy: Thank you. Did you know that women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?
Leonard: Hadn’t really thought about it.
Amy: Look.
Leonard: Uh, sure. Very… prominent.
Amy: Please, Leonard, don’t leer, you have a girlfriend.
Leonard: Sorry.
Amy: So, are you off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?
Leonard: Yeah. How did you know?
Amy: I heard it at the mall, when I was shopping with my girlfriends, ’cause, you know, that’s kind of my life now. Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Priya: Hey, you.
Leonard: Hi. Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?
Raj: The lonely guy and the two happy couples? I’d rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.
Priya: Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?
Raj: I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me.
Leonard: Really? In front of your sister?
Priya: We shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.
Raj: Excuse me. I’m going to go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. (Leaves, then returns a moment later) I forgot my windbreaker. It’s chilly.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I don’t understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?
Penny: No. Once these puppies touch the ground they’re mine, and I’ll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Amy: Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.
Penny: The what?
Amy: Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard. Message received. Commence operation “Priya Wouldn’t Wanna Be-ya.”
Penny: Hey. Seriously? Didn’t you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
Amy: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn’t have any.
Penny: None?
Amy: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop. Hang on. It’s the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
Penny: Wh… What the hell did she say?
Amy: She thinks it’s cool you’re following your dream, no matter what.
Penny: That bitch!
Amy: How do you want to handle it?
Penny: Um, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I’m on my way to Prague to sh**t a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Amy: Got it. Is it going to be in 3-D?
Penny: What? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Amy: I’m gonna say 3-D. That’ll let her know the studio has faith in it.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Leonard: You’re kidding. 3-D?
Bernadette: That’s what I hear.
Howard: Then the studio must have real faith in it.
Leonard: Wonder why she didn’t tell me.
Priya: Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
Leonard: No.
Priya: Then why are you surprised she didn’t tell you?
Leonard: Well, it’s not as much surprised as, uh, uh, you know, uh. th-th-th-the other thing.
Priya: What other thing?
Leonard: Well, you know, if you, if, if, if you, uh, I don’t, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Howard: I’m not going to help you. This is hilarious.
Bernadette: She’s also dating an astronaut.
Priya: Wow. That’s very impressive.
Bernadette: Yeah. But Leonard’s impressive, too.
Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself.
Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?
Raj: I need a hug.
Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, open the door.
Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.
Raj: I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.
Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.
Raj: Well, not so much depressed as lonely.
Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.
Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely.
Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.
Raj: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.
Raj: Oh, cool. Can I play?
Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.
Raj: No, thank you. I’m fine.
Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.
Raj: I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down.
Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?
Raj: I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.
Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll k*ll himself.
Raj: Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.
Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.
Raj: A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.
Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?
Raj: I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.
Sheldon: I like cows.
Raj: That’s not the point.
Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.
Raj: I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.
Sheldon: Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Howard: Okay, I’m still trying to work this out. How did Penny meet an astronaut?
Bernadette: I don’t know. The regular way people meet astronauts.
Howard: Most of those guys live in Texas.
Bernadette: Obviously, this one doesn’t.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: Leonard lives here. Priya’s from India. People meet, Howard. God!
Howard: Fine.
Bernadette: You’ve met lots of astronauts, and I’ve never grilled you about that. I’d thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
Howard: I’m not grilling you, I was just curious.
Leonard: I still can’t get over the fact that she got a big movie part. Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend’s up to, ’cause I don’t.
Bernadette: Maybe that’s where she met the astronaut, all right?
Priya: I’m sorry. What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie?
Bernadette: He’s a consultant.
Leonard: I thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna?
Bernadette: He can’t have a hobby? Excuse me, I have to pee. Or is that implausible, as well?
Howard: It’s nice to have another couple to hang with, isn’t it?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny (to the shoes): All right, guys, you have to go back. I can’t afford you. “No, don’t send
us away, we love you.” I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent. “But, Penny, you look so good in us.” Damn it, the shoes are right.
Amy: Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless. (Phone rings) What do you got for me, wildebeest?
Bernadette (in Raj’s bathroom): I think they’re on to me. The story’s starting to fall apart.
Amy: Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay. (To Penny) We may have to k*ll her. Bernadette, I’m putting you on speakerphone. Where are you now?
Bernadette: In the bathroom.
Amy: Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests. What’s the problem?
Bernadette: They’re just asking me all sorts of questions I can’t answer.
Amy: Just change the subject.
Bernadette: I suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya’s parents.
Penny: What?
Bernadette: They said something about going there this summer.
Penny: What, are they getting engaged?
Bernadette: I don’t know. I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy’s stupid astronaut story!
Amy: What astronaut story?
Bernadette: You texted me Penny’s dating an astronaut.
Amy: I texted architect. That’s amusing. Auto-correct must’ve changed it.
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s hysterical.
Penny: All right, look, just forget about the astronaut.
Amy: Architect. Where would you have met an astronaut?
Penny: Look, just find out what’s up with this trip to India.
Bernadette: I don’t want to do this anymore!
Penny: Don’t you quit on us!
Howard (knocking on bathroom door): Bernie, you okay?
Bernadette (screaming): It was an architect!
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.
Sheldon: I’m glad you think so. That’s what I strive to emulate.
Raj: Okay, let’s see if this drug works.
Woman at table: Can I help you?
Raj: Forgive me for staring, but you’re very beautiful.
Woman: Thank you. That’s a great accent. Where are you from?
Raj: India.
Woman: Oh, cool. I’ve always wanted to go there.
Raj: It’s a beautiful country. You’d love it. May I join you?
Woman: Uh, okay, sure. Why not?
Raj: My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Woman: Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.
Woman: What’s he observing?
Raj: We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.
Sheldon: All right.
Raj: And what is your name?
Woman: Angela.
Raj: Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.
Angela: You’re cute.
Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.
Server: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins.
Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.
Angela: What are you doing?
Raj (taking his shirt off): Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
Angela: I…
Sheldon: They were out of scones.
Raj (removing his trousers): Sheldon, I’m talking to someone. You’re being rude. I’ll bet you’re an actress. If not, you should be. You have a very expressive face.
Angela: Oh, my God.
Raj: Wait, where are you going? We were doing so well. She never even got to see my penis. Ta-da!
Scene: Raj’s apartment. They are playing Jenga,
Priya: Who wants some more coffee?
Leonard: Thanks, yeah.
Howard: Sure.
Bernadette: Let me help you.
Howard: Nice to see that the gals are getting along.
Leonard: Gals? Who are you, Fred Flintstone?
Bernadette: This trip to India sounds fun.
Priya: Yeah, I think it will be.
Bernadette: Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?
Priya: A little. They’re very old-fashioned.
Bernadette: Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like you guys are getting engaged, right?
Priya: Oh, God, no. We’re not there yet.
Bernadette: Not engaged. Very interesting. I have to tinkle.
Priya: You’ve been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?
Bernadette: Yes. Are you writing a book?
Priya: Why are you getting upset?
Bernadette: I’m not upset. Maybe you’re upset.
Priya: What’s up with you? Bernadette?
Bernadette: I can’t do this anymore! I’m a good girl! I went to Catholic school! (Storms out,)
Howard: Okay, well, it’s getting late. This was terrific. You win. Bernie?
Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess.
Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.
Howard: Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop
five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.
Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?
Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.
Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.
Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
Raj (still naked): Hey, I’ve got winners. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x22 - The Wildebeest Implementation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey, do me a favour and take table seven.
Bernadette: You mean the one with my one hundred and eighteen-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who’s prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
Penny: Nah, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful and sophisticated girlfriend, who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
Penny: Oh, please, you’re not that kind of person.
Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.
Leonard: Uh, that’s my water.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: My water. You’re drinking it.
Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?
Leonard: Yes. It’s my water.
Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m d*ad.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj: Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.
Bernadette: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette: I don’t understand.
Howard: He drank from Leonard’s glass.
Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.
Leonard: That’s actually my napkin.
Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!
Howard: Where are you going?
Sheldon: To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. g*ng way! d*ad man walking!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The same.
Bernadette: All right. Here you go. Two lemonades, one iced tea and a root beer for Priya.
Priya: Is it diet?
Bernadette: That’s what you ordered.
Priya: Thank you. Hey, have you and Howard started planning your wedding yet?
Bernadette: Yeah. We’re thinking of having it on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
Howard: Nothing soothes those pre-wedding jitters like the thought of falling and drowning.
Leonard: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette: He hasn’t told her yet. He’s waiting for the right time.
Howard: I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya: Howard, you’ve got to tell your mother.
Howard: Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here?
Priya: Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard: Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.
Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
Leonard: You all right?
Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: f*re demon.
Raj: Ooh, f*re demon. Sheldon’s turning up the heat.
Howard: Troll master.
Raj: Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard: Water nymph.
Raj: Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj: Sorry. Walking tree.
Sheldon: Last one.
Raj: I’m taking a stroll and I’m sporting wood.
Howard (reading a text): Okay, the Eagle has landed.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Howard: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard: Hope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard: Have you met Bernadette’s parents?
Howard: You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.
Raj: Sheldon, that’s my water.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord!
Leonard: That’s not your water.
Raj: I know.
Sheldon: Where’s the mouthwash?
Raj (holding it): Where indeed.
Scene: Howard’s house.
Howard: Ma, I’m home! Where are you?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m in the toilet.
Howard: So, how’d it go?
Mrs Wolowitz: Too soon to say. I’m not done yet.
Howard: No, I mean lunch, today, with Bernadette.
Mrs Wolowitz: Oh! I had a pastrami sandwich. She had eggplant lasagna. Like that’s what a person orders in a Jewish deli.
Howard: Besides food, did you get along? Did you talk?
Mrs Wolowitz: Oh, sure. Did you know she’s going to school to become a microbiologist?
Howard: No, she never mentioned it.
Mrs Wolowitz: I bet she did and you didn’t listen.
Howard: Yeah, that’s probably it. So, what do you think? Do you like her? She’s great, huh?
Mrs Wolowitz: She’s a lovely girl. Cute as a button.
Howard: That’s good to hear, ’cause I’ve got some news.
Mrs Wolowitz: I hope it’s good news, because I’ve got nothing but disappointment in here!
Howard: Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help!
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?
Penny: I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said.
Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?
Penny: My mirth. Classic.
Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?
Penny: It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.
Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.
Penny: What are you doing at work these days?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.
Penny: Alright, come on, even you have to admit that’s jibber-jabber.
Sheldon: Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
Penny: Oh, my God, you’re about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.
Leonard: Howard and his mother are at the hospital. Come on, we gotta go.
Penny: Oh, my God! What happened?
Leonard: I don’t know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go!
Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going.
Sheldon: I can’t.
Penny: Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs.
Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will k*ll me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard: Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.
Scene: A hospital waiting room.
Howard: So I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my poor unconscious mother, carried her to the car, and drove like a madman to the emergency room.
Bernadette: You’re a real hero, Howard.
Howard: No, I did what any son would do.
Penny: Hang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.
Penny: Yeah, I’m saying, it’d be easier to lift a car.
Howard: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
Leonard: So, how is she?
Howard: They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart att*ck or heart-att*ck-like event.
Penny: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: A heart-att*ck-like event is an event that’s like a heart att*ck.
Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.
Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to k*ll Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.
Penny: Okay, you’re not helping.
Sheldon: Disagree.
Leonard: Go sit over there.
Sheldon: I’ll sit over there, it looks cleaner.
Leonard: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard: My family is the history of heart disease. There’s a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this (clutches chest).
Bernadette: So it’s probably genetic.
Howard: Well, maybe. Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: It’s not important.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard, I’m going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard: You’d think that. But no.
Bernadette: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart att*ck?
Howard: You can’t take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard: What you’ve got to keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I’ve been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she’d be thr*at by any woman who can give me what she can’t.
Bernadette: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard: Well, when you say it like that you make it sound creepy.
Priya (arriving): What happened?
Bernadette: Howard’s mother had a heart att*ck because I have sex with him and she can’t.
Howard: Bernie, wait!
Sheldon (to Raj): I’ll give you $1,000 if you’ll drive me home.
Scene: The same, later.
Priya: Nice of you to come for Howard.
Penny: Well, he’s my friend. It’s what you do. (Laughs)
Priya: I’m sorry, did I miss something?
Penny: It’s just so weird. Howard Wolowitz is my friend. You know, once he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose.
Priya: That’s a little easier to believe than he’s your friend.
Penny: Yeah, tell me about it. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x23 - The Engagement Reaction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Uh..
Leonard: Sure
Penny: Okay, Priya?
Priya: Uh, I’ll have the Shepherd’s Pie. You want to split that with me?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn’t.
Priya: Why not?
Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.
Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
Leonard: So, no, on the Shepherd’s Pie. Can we move on?
Penny: Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it.
Leonard: Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass.
Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard: k*ll me.
Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
Bernadette: Guys, sorry I’m late. I have amazing news.
Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?
Leonard: So, what’s your news, Bernadette?
Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.
Penny: Oh!
Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.
Penny: Wow, so that means you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.
Howard: Congratulations, honey.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.
Howard: Please, this isn’t about me. I’m proud of you.
Bernadette: Well, you’ll be really be proud of this. I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They’re gonna pay me a buttload of money!
Howard: What?
Leonard: Bernadette, that’s great. Howard, do you make a buttload?
Howard: Better than what you’ve got a buttload of.
Leonard: Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything’s peachy. If you do it, you’re still not a doctor.
Penny: Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal. It helps, but everything is not peachy.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (earphones in, singing): Oh, if there was a problem, you can’t solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. Ice, Ice, baby. Ice, Ice, baby. (Removes headphones and goes to refrigerator).
Priya (off): Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.
Leonard (off): You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for inspection.
Priya (off): Shh, my brother’s going to hear you.
Leonard (off): Relax, he’s got headphones on. And we’re ten miles above Earth in a starship.
Raj: Really, ten miles? You’re orbiting inside the atmosphere? Moron.
Priya (off): I can’t believe I’m wearing my brother’s Halloween costume.
Leonard (off): I can’t believe you think he only wears it on Halloween. Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.
Raj: Okay, gotta go.
Scene: Howard’s house.
Howard: Hey, what’s up?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?
Howard: No, Ma! It’s Raj!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): He’s a doctor too, right?
Howard: Yes!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!
Howard: Sheldon, yes! Everybody’s a doctor but me!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Well, whose fault is that?
Howard: What’s up?
Raj: Leonard’s putting disgusting memories in my memory foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?
Howard: Sure, but I’m going out with Bernadette. It’ll just be you and my mother.
Raj: I guess that’s okay.
Howard: Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Of course, he and I can play doctor!
Raj: She’s kidding, right?
Howard: I don’t know, she’s pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?
Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.
Amy: Have you considered massage?
Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.
Sheldon: Rotating.
Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?
Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!
Amy: Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
Sheldon: There’s someone at my door.
Amy: That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.
Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.
Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.
Raj: Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room.
Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.
Raj: Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his?
Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.
Raj: Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.
Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.
Raj: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: I never kid about safety.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard enters, and accidentally sits on Raj. Both exclaim.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping.
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would’ve slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.
Leonard: Oh, you heard?
Raj: Scotty, I need more power.
Leonard: Sorry. Does Sheldon know you’re sleeping in here?
Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency f*re drill and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know, she used to date Howard?
Raj: Oh, my God, she’s that Mona? Why can’t you and my sister spend your nights here?
Leonard: We tried. She doesn’t get along with Sheldon.
Raj: Sheldon doesn’t get along with Sheldon. It’s still no reason for me to have to listen to you arm your photon torpedoes every night.
Leonard: Okay, well, how about this. Until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I’ll stay at your apartment.
Raj: Can I bring girls here?
Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.
Raj: Okay, deal.
Leonard: Just not against their will.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard: Why?
Leonard: If you’re gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj: He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not thr*at by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.
Leonard: Until you have kids.
Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.
Raj: When did you take my blood?
Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.
Raj: What the hell is this?
Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.
Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.
Sheldon: As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.
Raj: Did you sign this?
Leonard: There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.
Raj: Well, that seems fair.
Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.
Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.
Sheldon: Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.
Leonard: No backsies.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Sheldon, dinner!
Sheldon: What is this?
Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.
Sheldon: Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.
Raj: It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.
Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread?
Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.
Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: The same thing that happened to h*m* Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I’m the new h*m* in town. That came out wrong.
Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?
Raj: He’s living at my place, so I’m living here.
Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.
Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That’s big.
Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that’s the headline.
Raj: It’s a good thing.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard: So do you know what kind of research you’ll be doing at this pharmaceutical company?
Bernadette: Well, there are a couple of opportunities available, but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project. I mean, it’s not like either one of us has heart disease. Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little present.
Howard: Oh, Bernie, no. You didn’t have to.
Bernadette: I wanted to. Come on, open it.
Howard: You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost?
Bernadette: Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: More wine?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I’ve had way too much already.
Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.
Penny: h*t me.
Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys.
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won’t do.
Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory g*n.
Penny: Okay, explain something to me. You watch Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think, Oh, Krishna, I’ve got to get me some of that?
Raj: Well, it’s a lot better than having to wear noise-cancelling headphones in my own apartment.
Penny: What? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Leonard’s a noisy little dude in the sack.
Raj: Every night.
Penny: Really? Even during allergy season, when he has to alternate between kissing and breathing?
Raj: It’s my sister. Can we not talk about this any more?
Penny: Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Can I tell you a secret?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: I screwed up. Leonard’s a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
Raj: Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare, It’s better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful p*rn.
Penny: Oh, you poor baby.
Raj: What’s wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren’t friends, and you hadn’t brought up that creepy p*rn story, I’d be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. To friendship.
Raj: To friendship.
Sheldon (off): Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking? And the answer was elephant!
Scene: Raj’s apartment. Leonard and Priya are kissing.
Leonard: Mmm. Mmm.
Priya: Leonard, sweetheart, we’re kissing, not eating hot soup.
Leonard: Sorry.
Priya (computer tone): That’s my parents on video chat. Go hide in the bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, come on! Why don’t we just tell them that we’re dating?
Priya: Oh, we’ve been through this. It’s not the time.
Leonard: When is the time?
Priya: I’ve got five brothers and sisters. One of them is bound to screw up real big, and then I’ll tell my parents about you. Now, shoo.
Leonard: Fine.
Priya: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.
Dr Koothrappali: We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City. Is that close to you?
Priya: No.
Mrs Koothrappali: Where is your brother?
Priya: Out with friends.
Dr Koothrappali: I don’t like it, a young girl alone in an apartment.
Mrs Koothrappali: I’ll sleep so much better when you move back here next month.
Leonard: You’re moving back to India?
Dr Koothrappali: Who’s that?
Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, my God! There’s someone in your apartment. Call the police in America!
Leonard: When were you going to tell me about this?
Priya: Oh, hello, Leonard. What a pleasant surprise! Mummy, Daddy, you remember Rajesh’s friend Leonard.
Dr Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.
Priya: He has many friends.
Dr Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?
Mrs Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?
Leonard: She’s lying because she doesn’t want you to know we’re dating.
Priya: Leonard!
Leonard: Well, what difference does it make? If you’re moving back to India, we’re obviously breaking up.
Priya: You know what? I don’t want to deal with this right now.
Leonard: So. Hot in India?
Dr Koothrappali: Of course it is. It always is. It’s India. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Leonard: Uh. That is a beautiful tapestry.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Raj and Penny are in bed.
Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can’t talk to me?
Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.
Leonard: Priya’s going back to India.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?
Howard: I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Talk to him.
Penny (entering room dishevelled, with a half naked Raj behind): Damn.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Oh. It’s, it’s not what it looks like.
Sheldon: What does it look like? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "04x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The Cafeteria
Sheldon: It’s not what it looks like. It’s not what it looks like.
Leonard: What are you grinding about?
Sheldon: Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.
Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s a**l region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.
Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.
Sheldon: No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.
Leonard: She lied.
Sheldon: Oh. Well don’t I look silly sitting here wearing this?
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cafeteria
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?
Leonard: No, I’m fine with it.
Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I’m going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don’t see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can’t be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.
Leonard: What the hell is wrong with you?
Howard: Yeah, how could you do that?
Raj: What is it to you?
Howard: I got his back.
Raj: Yeah, right. You’re just jealous because it turns out I’m Penny’s number two choice after Leonard.
Howard: Hey, if I wasn’t engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
Leonard: Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.
Raj: Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.
Leonard and Howard together: What?
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if I may interject, I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.
Howard: You’re not in love with Penny.
Raj: Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has sh*t us with his flowery arrows of love.
Howard: Who?
Raj: He’s the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better, because he rides a giant parrot.
Leonard: Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.
Howard: I’m sorry. What?
Raj: Rubbish. He’s talking rubbish.
Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I’m the dusky half of Koothrapenny.
Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny has a bottle of wine. She can’t find a glass. Finds a measuring jug and uses that instead. There is a knock on the door.
Penny: Coming. Yup, that’s good. Wine glasses should have handles.
Amy: Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake. Smart idea considering how trampy you get when you’ve had a few.
Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: Well, I heard who you did.
Penny: Oh, my God, I screwed up everything. I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj, I mean, what is wrong with me? I feel like two totally different people, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.
Amy: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Do you know the story of Catherine the Great?
Penny: No.
Amy: She ruled Russia in the late seventeen hundreds, and one night, when she was feeling particularly randy, she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
Penny: I’m… I’m sorry. What does this have to do with me?
Amy: She engaged in interspecies hanky-panky, and people still call her great. I’m sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.
Scene: Raj’s apartment. There is a knock on the door. He opens it.
Bernadette: You jerk face! What did you tell Howard? Did you say there was something going on between us? Because he thinks there is. He’s completely freaking out!
Raj: Please, come in.
Bernadette: What the hell is wrong with you?
Raj: Well, you were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
Bernadette: I’m nice to everyone.
Raj: I’m sorry.
Bernadette: Damn right, you’re sorry. And you tell Howard there’s never been anything between us.
Raj: I will. Hey, Bernadette?
Bernadette: What?!
Raj: Do you think I have a sh*t with Penny?
Bernadette: Of course you do. You’re a cutie pie. Any girl would be lucky to have you.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: You know, I’ve done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.
Amy: You can’t blame yourself. When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.
Penny: You know what? Let’s get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one’s seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.)
Sheldon: Subtlety isn’t her strong suit, is it?
Penny: Can I stay at your place for a few nights?
Amy: Really? A best friend sleepover? Yay.
Penny: Yeah, sure. Yay!
Amy: We’ll make popcorn, stay up all night and I’ll teach you my secret language, Op.
Penny: Sounds great.
Amy: Nope. Sounds Gop Rop E A Top.
Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna go pack a bag.
Amy: No, you’re not. You’re gonna Pop A Cop Kop A Bop A Gop.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.
Leonard: I’m not in the mood, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)
Leonard: I don’t want to talk to Amy.
Sheldon: No, it’s not Amy.
Dr Hofstadter: Hello, dear.
Leonard: You called my mother?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
Dr Hofstadter: He’s been like that since he was a toddler. Look, Mommy, a butterfly. Maddening.
Leonard: What’s going on? What do you want?
Dr Hofstadter: Sheldon informed me that you’re experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I’m here to help.
Leonard: That’s so nice.
Dr Hofstadter: And we’re back to the obvious. Now, what’s up?
Leonard: Well, uh, okay, um, I don’t want to get back together with Penny. We tried it, it was crazy, it didn’t work, but I can’t deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj. And then I find out that Raj’s sister Priya, who I’ve been going out with for eight months, is moving back to India. So I’m just completely confused and alone.
Dr Hofstadter: I understand.
Leonard: Got any advice?
Dr Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me. You’re a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you’ve got is buck up?
Dr Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, sissy pants.
Leonard: Thanks, Mother. I feel much better.
Dr Hofstadter: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is brushing Penny’s hair.
Amy: Ninety-nine, one hundred. It’s like a waterfall of liquid gold. My turn.
Penny: You know, I don’t even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is. I haven’t gotten a single acting job since I moved out here. The closest I came was last month, I got a callback for a hemorrhoid commercial.
Amy: Oh, I could so see you being the face of haemorrhoids.
Penny: I know, right? Maybe I should just move back to Nebraska.
Amy: No, I can’t let you do that.
Penny: Why not? (There is a knock on the door)
Amy: For the first time ever, I have a thriving social life. And no pressure, but it kind of lives and dies with you.
Raj: Hi, Amy. Can I talk to Penny?
Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door? I wish I could tell 13-year-old me it does get better.
Penny: How did you know I was here?
Raj: It’s all over her Facebook page.
Amy: I’ll take your stuff to the bedroom and clear out a drawer.
Penny: Thanks.
Amy: No problem. Try and keep it in your pants, okay?
Penny: So, hi. What’s up?
Raj: I was wondering if you’re free Friday. They’re having a Totally ’80s Night at the Greek. Hall & Oates, Katrina and the Waves and three-fifths of Kajagoogoo.
Penny: Oh. Gee, that’s really sweet, but the thing is…
Raj: Aw, there’s a thing.
Penny: Look, honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should’ve never slept together. It’s what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
Penny: Come here. Just listen to me. I want to go back to the way we were before. You know, friends. No sprinkles.
Raj: Oh. All right.
Penny: Thank you.
Raj: Well, uh, as your friend, you might like to know that, um, we didn’t have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you, you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn’t you?
Raj: Of course. I’m always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and, that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn’t actually…
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.
Penny: Oh!
Raj: Penny, please, please promise me you won’t tell anybody about this.
Penny: Of course I won’t. No, I won’t.
Raj: Oh, good. Um, can I tell people that our love b*rned too bright and too quickly? Kind of a Candle in the Wind deal?
Penny: Sure.
Raj: Cool. Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I want to have your babies, and I was like, I’m too rock and roll to be tied down?
Penny: No.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Penny: Also no.
Raj: Okay, just the candle thing.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Cool. All right friend.
Penny: Hmm.
Raj: I’ll see you around.
Penny: Okay. Raj, wait. Thank you for being my friend. (She hugs him.)
Raj: Penny?
Penny: Mm-hmm?
Raj: It’s getting beautiful again.
Scene: A shed on the paintball range.
Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.
Howard: I don’t see anything.
Sheldon: Give it a second to load. Whenever you’re ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they’re out of sunblock, which means they’ll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That’s our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won’t know what h*t them. All right, let’s move out.
Leonard: Hang on, Sheldon. How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you. That was a beautifully written penis metaphor.
Leonard: You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it?
Howard: Fine with me.
Raj: Sure, whatever.
Sheldon: You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.
Leonard: Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games.
Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?
Leonard: Yes, no and no.
Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.
Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets h*t by countless paintball pellets)
Howard: Damn those sons of bitches!
Leonard: Let’s get ‘em!
Sheldon: If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory, Captain Sheldon Cooper.
Howard and Raj: Here, here.
Sheldon: Excuse me. It’s Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a b*ttlefield promotion. It’s kind of a big deal.
Penny: Hi. You guys have a minute?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, sure.
Penny: Okay. Um. Well, I already talked to Raj, but I wanted to apologize to the rest of you for, you know, everything.
Raj: Please, Penny, let me. We’ve decided to let our crazy, wonderful night together be just one of those memories you have and can call to mind when you’re feeling blue or you’re in the shower.
Penny: Hey, what you doing, Quick Draw?
Raj: Sorry. Go on.
Penny: Anyways, I wanted you guys all to know that I’ve been taking a really hard look at things and come to the conclusion I have to stop kidding myself. I suck at acting. It’s time for me to move back to Nebraska.
Leonard: You’re leaving?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: What are you going to do in Nebraska?
Penny: I don’t know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello?
Leonard: Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.
Penny: Shh! It’s my agent, it’s my agent. You’re kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it! Really? Oh, I’m so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.
Sheldon: What about Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, hell with Nebraska. I’m gonna be a star!
Sheldon (to Leonard): Have you ever thought of teaching physics?
Scene: The apartment. Penny’s ad is on the television. She is at a s*ab.
Actress: Ready to ride?
Penny (on screen): I don’t think so, Mom. Not today.
Actress: Oh, sweetie. Haemorrhoids acting up again?
Penny (on screen): You don’t know the half of it.
Actress: Oh, yes, I do. Try a dab of this.
Penny (on screen): Rose-scented Preparation-H for women?
Actress: Now, the H is for Her.
Leonard: I’m proud of you.
Penny: Shh! Here comes my joke.
Actress: How are you doing?
Penny (on screen): Sittin’ pretty. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x01 - The Skank Reflex Analysis"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is laying out wine and napkins in front of his laptop.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.
Sheldon: It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?
Leonard: Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.
Sheldon: All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?
Leonard: That doesn’t sound like mocking.
Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?
Leonard: I don’t know. Why?
Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).
Leonard: Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so…
Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.
Leonard: Yes, I’ve always admired that about you.
Sheldon: As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.
Leonard: Oh, good.
Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.
Leonard: A hobby?
Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.
Leonard: You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
Leonard: You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don’t you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there’s the difference. (Skype tone rings)
Leonard: Excuse me, that’s Priya.
Priya (on screen): Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey, honey.
Priya: I miss you.
Leonard: Oh, I miss you, too.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.
Penny: I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.
Penny: It’s great, isn’t it?
Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.
Penny: What name?
Sheldon: Chair.
Penny: Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here.
Sheldon (jumps up): Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)
Penny: What is wrong?
Sheldon: I’ve been sitting in garbage!
Penny: Sheldon, take it easy.
Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.
Penny: I went into this marriage with so much hope.
Sheldon: There’s a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment).
Credits sequence.
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Raj: This is fun. I’ve never used a hydraulic thermoforming press before.
Howard: Pretty sweet, huh? This little baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard: That’s three minutes. Should we see what we got?
Howard: Hang on.
Raj: Oh, yeah. This is one good-looking panini.
Howard: Hand me the tuna melt.
Leonard: Yep.
Howard: Thank you. How’s it going with the long-distance love affair?
Leonard: Not easy, but we’re making it work.
Howard: When you say making it work, does that include doing the cyber nasty?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, the virtual pickle tickle. The digital bow-chicka-bow-bow.
Raj: Come on, dude. This is my sister you’re talking about.
Howard: Hey, Leonard jiggling his junk at her through a webcam has got to be easier for you to deal with than him actually touching her with it.
Leonard: There’s no junk jiggling. We just talk.
Howard: Are you insane? With high-speed Internet, you have at your fingertips the greatest advancement in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth.
Leonard: I can’t do that.
Howard: Well, if you don’t, you’re gonna lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.
Raj: How can you be so r*cist?
Howard: Oh, come on, tell me I’m wrong.
Sheldon (entering): Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard: I did it last night, I’m not doing it again.
Howard: Just his head, right?
Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair.
Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.
Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I’ve ever done that.
Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again.
Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: Yello.
Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.
Penny: Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.
Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.
Penny: Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon?
Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.
Penny: Why don’t you just admit you overreacted?
Sheldon: No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: It’s like living with a Chihuahua.
Sheldon (at Penny’s door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s up, buttercup?
Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.
Penny: Nope. (Closes door)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s the word, hummingbird?
Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.
Penny: No. (Closes door)
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Penny: What’s the gist, physicist?
Sheldon: Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: So, here we are. Back in bed together.
Priya (on laptop screen): Yep, here we are.
Leonard: Okay, so I, I, I guess I’ll just jump right in.
Priya: All right.
Leonard: Uh, you’re a naughty girl. And, and, uh, I, I want to punish you with my love?
Priya: What?
Leonard: Not good?
Priya: That’s terrible. Try again.
Leonard: Okay. Uh, uh, you’re not naughty. Uh, you’re, you’re, you’re dirty. You’re, you’re a, a dirty girl?
Priya: Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, okay. You’re a, you’re a, you’re a, a dirty, disgusting, revolting girl. Ugh!
Priya: God, Leonard, stop talking.
Leonard: Why don’t you just give me five minutes? I’ll Google how to do this. I’ll call you right back.
Priya: Shh-shh-shh. Just be quiet and do what I tell you.
Leonard: Okay, like usual. Good.
Priya: Take off your shirt.
Leonard: All rightie. Shirt coming off. Ta-da! Man nipples.
Priya: I said be quiet.
Leonard: Yes, ma’am.
Priya: Now take off your shorts.
Leonard: Taking shorts off. There we go. Naked, naked, naked!
Priya: Wonderful. Now I’ll take off my clothes.
Leonard: Cool. (computer screen bugs out) Uh-oh!
Priya: Here I am, baby. You miss these?
Leonard: Oh, damn it!
Priya: Oh, Leonard! Already?
Leonard: No, no! No-no-no! The screen froze. It’s probably just buffering, just give it a second.
Priya: Fine.
Leonard: So, how are your mom and dad?
Priya: Yeah, I really don’t want to talk about my parents now.
Leonard: Yeah. Sure, sure.
Sheldon (calling from outside): If your video’s frozen, try resetting the TCP/IP stack.
Leonard: Oh! I didn’t even think of that. Thanks.
Sheldon (still off): You’re welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I’m trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing a harp.
Amy: Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes…
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.
Amy: Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.
Amy: Denial. Denial, denial. Come in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the b*at…
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up?
Sheldon: You’re good friends with Penny, right?
Amy: Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.
Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: All right, name your price.
Amy: Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.
Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?
Amy: Never mind. I’ll talk to Penny.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: Will you listen to me play my harp now?
Sheldon: No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t do that!
Scene: Howard’s workshop.
Leonard: I don’t know about this, Howard.
Howard: What? You’re having trouble with the long-distance lovemaking. This is your answer. There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth. You have one, Priya has one in India. When you move your lips and tongue on yours, it transmits exactly what you’re doing to hers. See? Internet kissing. (Howard kisses device) Give it a try.
Leonard: I don’t think so.
Raj: I’ll try it. Like this?
Howard: Almost. Really get your tongue in there, to activate the motion sensor.
Raj: Like this?
Howard: Close. Really French it.
Raj: Better?
Howard: Yeah, you got it, you got it.
Raj: I’m impressed. This is very lifelike.
Howard: Whoa! You just bit my tongue!
Raj: I, I nibbled. I was being playful.
Howard: Why do you have to make everything weird?
Raj: Sorry. Better?
Howard: Oh, yeah.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Pretty cool, huh? Probably would cost, like, two hundred bucks in a store.
Amy: I do appreciate a bargain. This entire ensemble once belonged to my d*ad grandmother.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Amy: Everything except bra and panties. And they’re a leopard-spotted secret I share with Victoria.
Penny: And now me.
Amy: I just have one question about the chair.
Penny: And what’s that?
Amy: Aren’t you worried about it being unhygienic?
Penny: No, it’s completely fine. Hmm. I get it. Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this.
Amy: No, he didn’t.
Penny: Really?
Amy: Yes, he did. He absolutely did.
Penny: My God, Amy, that’s really crappy of you.
Amy: It is?
Penny: Yeah! Letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me? I thought you were my friend.
Amy: No, I am your friend. Please don’t be mad at me.
Penny: I can’t even believe this. You know, maybe you should just go.
Amy: No, no, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I take it all back. Look. I’m, uh, I’m sitting in your chair. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a great chair. Please let me continue to be part of your world. Ow!
Penny: What’s wrong?
Amy: Something in the chair’s biting my tushy. It’s not important. Ow!
Penny: Wait. Get up, get up! (She does. Something is moving in the seat cushion. They both run out of the apartment screaming.) Swear you won’t tell Sheldon what happened!
Amy (between screams): I swear! Can I tell my doctor? I’m probably gonna need sh*ts!
Penny (also still screaming): Yeah, sure!
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, hey, babe, I think I figured this thing out.
Priya (on screen): Oh, Leonard, listen…
Leonard: No, you listen. You’re my woman, and I’m gonna make you feel things you have never felt before.
Priya: Leonard…
Leonard: That’s right, say my name, and beg me for more, ’cause, I’m gonna give it to you.
Priya: My parents are here.
Dr Koothrappali: Hello, Leonard, if I may also say your name.
Scene: The street outside the apartment block.
Howard: Check it out. Free chair.
Raj: Yeah. Hey, you know, if this was in Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment, I wouldn’t wind up sitting on the floor all the time.
Howard: On three?
Together: Three!
Raj: What kind of idiot throws away a terrific chair like this? | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling?
Penny: Ooh, me.
Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
Penny: Thank you all for this high honour.
Sheldon: I’ve seen pictures of your mother, keep eating.
Howard: All right, honey, if we’re gonna make the movie, we should go. (Raj stands) This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée. (Raj whispers to him) Yeah, well, now it means her.
Bernadette: It’s okay if he wants to come.
Howard: Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.
Penny: All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you.
Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?
Howard: Neither of them are close.
Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.
Penny: Okay, I’m not driving him.
Sheldon: No, Penny, don’t give up, you can get this.
Leonard: Aren’t you going with Sheldon?
Amy: No, I have no interest in model trains, stores that sell them, nor their heartbreaking clientele.
Leonard: Oh. Well, I have some work to do, so…
Amy: I can’t imagine that would disturb me. Carry on.
Leonard: Okay. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable at home?
Amy: Not really, no.
Leonard: All righty then. Guess I’ll just get started.
Amy: Leonard, please. I don’t need the running commentary.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment. Amy is staring into space.
Leonard: Amy?
Amy: Yo.
Leonard: You okay?
Amy: Oh, sure.
Leonard: I thought you were reading.
Amy: I was. Now I’m thinking about what I read. You all right, Leonard? You seem very uncomfortable.
Leonard: I, I’m fine.
Amy: Should I go? I’ve been told sometimes I overstay my welcome.
Leonard: What, who told you that?
Amy: Well, most recently my gynaecologist.
Leonard: Well, you stay as long as you’d like.
Amy: I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’m having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist.
Scene: Raj’s car.
Bernadette: What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.
Howard: Which side do you come down on?
Sheldon: I’ll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I’m going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it’s O-gauge or no gauge.
Howard: Can you believe grown men sit around and play with toy trains?
Bernadette: That’s pretty big talk for a man with a closet full of magic tricks at his mother’s house.
Howard: First of all, they’re not tricks, they’re illusions. And, secondly, when we get married, they’re all going up in the attic so you can have that closet for clothes.
Bernadette: Why would I keep clothes at your mother’s house?
Howard: Well, don’t think of it that way. Once we move in, it’ll be our house.
Bernadette: Is she moving out?
Howard: Why would she move out? It’s her house.
Bernadette: Hang on. You seriously think I’m going to live with your mother?
Sheldon: Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that’s exactly what he thinks.
Howard: Why not? It’s a great house, plenty of room, and if we have kids, Mom’s there to help. You know, when she tells the Three Little Pigs story, she actually has hair on her chinny-chin-chin.
Bernadette: I’m not gonna live with your mother. Not now, not ever.
Howard: Wow, someone obviously has some mommy issues.
Bernadette: Raj, take me home.
Howard: Don’t listen to her. Go to the movie theatre.
Bernadette: Take me home now.
Howard: Movie theatre.
Raj: Mmmmmm.
Sheldon: Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don’t care what you people do.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: How was your shower?
Leonard: It was good, good. Just out of curiosity, what time do you usually go to bed?
Amy: Oh, I’m up all night. I’m like a possum. Boy, you were not liked in high school, were you?
Leonard: Not really. Is that my yearbook?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Dear Leonard, you’re really good at science. Maybe one day you’ll come up with a cure for being a dork.
Leonard: Well, it wasn’t spray-painting a lightning bolt on my briefcase, I can tell you that.
Amy: If it makes you feel any better, the only person who signed my yearbook was my mother.
Leonard: Aw.
Amy: Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom.
Sheldon (entering): Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.
Leonard: Rough night, Casey Jones?
Sheldon: You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.
Leonard: What’s in the bag?
Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s not a spine,I’ll tell you that.
Amy: Well, I had a delightful evening, Leonard. We should do this again sometime.
Leonard: Ah, sure. That’d be nice.
Amy: Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department.
Leonard: Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?
Amy: I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time.
Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.
Amy: Doesn’t matter. You’re out, he’s in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change.
Sheldon: Ha-ha, you have to go to a wedding.
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. Amy rings the bell.
Howard (off): I’ll get it!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Could you get it?
Howard (off): I said I’m getting it!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Fine, I’ll get it!
Howard: I got it! Oh, hi.
Bernadette: Hey. I don’t want to fight. I was just surprised when you sprung the whole living-with-your-mom stuff on me.
Howard: Yeah, well, I’m sorry I didn’t run it by you first.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don’t know who you’re talking to, but in or out! We don’t need bugs!
Howard: The bugs only come here because you’re their queen! Listen, how about this. Before we make any kind of decision about where we live, we have a trial run. Stay here for a weekend, see what it’s like.
Bernadette: And your mom would be okay with that?
Howard: Sure she would. Ma, do you mind if Bernadette stays here this weekend?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Hey, if she’s willing to give the milk away for free, who am I to say no?
Howard: See? She’s good with it.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing with his train set.
Sheldon: All this years, I’ve been so wrong. The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun.
Penny: You’re a brain scientist. Can you explain to me why a brilliant man likes playing with toy trains?
Amy: Not without cutting his head open, no. How about making my eyes like Cleopatra?
Penny: Really? For a wedding?
Amy: Perhaps you’re right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them.
Leonard: Ready.
Penny: Aw. So handsome. Like James Bond.
Sheldon: Better than James Bond, because he’s tinier.
Amy: I got you this to give to me.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, guests don’t normally wear corsages to a wedding. That’s more of a prom thing.
Amy: I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs.
Penny: Put the corsage on her.
Leonard: Amy, this is for you.
Amy: When you’re done copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.
Sheldon: All aboard! Woo-woo! It’s official. I’m an H-O trainiac.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: So, dinner went nice.
Bernadette: Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Does your mother always cut your meat for you?
Howard: Only when it’s fatty. Well, don’t be jealous, babe. Someday you’ll get to cut it for me.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Bernadette! I found the extra head for the Waterpik if you want to use it!
Bernadette: I’m okay, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You sure? I just squirted half a brisket outta my teeth!
Howard: Hey, Ma, how about a little privacy?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, I know what that means! Hubba-hubba!
Bernadette: Oh, God.
Howard: Relax, it’ll be fine.
Bernadette: Okay.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Let me know when you’re done canoodling! Mommy needs a foot rub!
Scene: The wedding.
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: No, thank you. I’m really not much of a dancer.
Amy: You’re not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist, either.
Leonard: I’m sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Amy: Why shouldn’t they be? They have a feverish night of socially-approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we’d stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning, so…
Amy: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you’re not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: Oh, sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kinda-sorta boyfriend who’s playing with a model train right now, you don’t hear me bitching about it. Leonard, a word of advice, moody self-obsession is only attractive in men who can play guitar and are considerably taller than you.
Leonard: I’m not moody. I’m fun.
Amy: You have any evidence to support that statement?
Leonard: Well, hey, I’m just as much fun as you are.
Amy: Really? Are you willing to draw a moustache on your finger as a conversational icebreaker? I am.
Leonard: Okay, fine, what do you suggest?
Amy: We just had a lovely meal, the band is on f*re, and you’re sitting next to a beautiful woman wearing whorish makeup. Why don’t we head outon the dance floor and see if I can sweat through these dress shields.
Leonard: Once again, I, I’m really not much of a dancer.
Amy: Don’t worry, I’ll lead. (They do the Birdie Song dance)
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is playing with a lightsabre.
Amy: Howard?
Howard: Ready for bed?
Bernadette: No. I need to brush my teeth, but your mother’s been in the bathroom for, like, an hour.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, she sometimes has problems doing her business. Hang on. Ma, give up! Tonight’s not your night!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You don’t know that! I just sat down!
Howard: Come on, take a break! Bernadette needs to brush her teeth!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): She can come in and brush her teeth! I’m not embarrassed!
Howard: Problem solved.
Bernadette: No, it’s not. I’m not going in there.
Howard: Oh, come on, honey. She’s just sitting in there reading a magazine. You can’t see anything. I go in all the time.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Ha! The eagle has landed!
Howard: And we have splashdown. Wait here, I’m gonna go light a candle. And then we make passionate love.
Scene: The stairwell. Amy is helping Leonard up the stairs.
Amy: There we go, last floor.
Leonard: I just can’t figure out what happened. I put my left leg in, I took my left leg out, I put my left leg in, and something just snapped.
Amy: The hokey pokey is a young man’s game.
Leonard: I did have a great time. Thank you for reminding me it’s okay to have fun once in a while.
Amy: You’re welcome.
Leonard: And also for breaking the head off the ice swan so I could hold it against my pulled groin.
Amy: I excel at spatial reasoning, and I had a hunch that the graceful slope of its neck would cradle your genitals nicely.
Leonard: Well, okay. Again, thank you.
Amy: And again, you’re welcome.
Leonard: Want to come in, have a cup of tea?
Amy: No, thanks. I’m gonna head home.
Leonard: Okay. Well, good night.
Amy: Good night. (Heads across corridor and knocks on Penny’s door)
Penny: Ames, hi. How was the wedding?
Amy: Great. Until I accidentally made Leonard fall in love with me.
Penny: Come in, let’s talk. Do you want a glass of wine?
Amy: Wine is one of the reasons I’m in this fix. That and this dang pelvis.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, what exactly happened?
Amy: The inevitable, he was lonely and vulnerable from missing his girlfriend, while I was charming, supportive and, let’s face it, in this dress, the perfect combination of Madonna and whore.
Penny: Oh, God, did he make a move on you?
Amy: No, but it’s only a matter of time. How could I have not seen this coming? Now I’m gonna have to break the little sad sack’s heart.
Penny: Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be okay.
Amy: Oh, Penny, much as I would treasure knowing that the two of us had been defiled by the same man, Leonard just doesn’t get my motor running.
Penny: So, um, what are you gonna do? Do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy?
Amy: No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better sh*t than he does.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.
Leonard: Sounds like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did. How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Not for you!
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Good morning, handsome.
Howard: Morning, Mom.
Bernadette: It’s me.
Howard: Yes, it is, and you’re so pretty in the morning.
Bernadette: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard: Oh, wow. So you guys are getting along?
Bernadette: Yeah, I guess. We’re very different people, Howard, so communication’s a little tricky.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Does he like the pancakes?!
Bernadette (in a similar voice): He didn’t try them yet!
Howard: Is there any butter?
Bernadette: It’s butter-flavoured syrup.
Howard: Oh.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): So, what’s the word?
Bernadette: He wants butter!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s butter-flavoured syrup
Bernadette: I just told him that!
Howard: I don’t need any butter.
Bernadette: If you want butter, I’ll get you butter.
Howard: Well, I guess I’ll cut these by myself. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x03 - The Pulled Groin Extrapolation"} | foreverdreaming |
cene: The apartment.
Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, hey Ma, what’s for dinner?”
Sheldon: Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.
Leonard: Hey, how go the wedding plans, Howard?
Howard: Great. We spent five hours last night at Macy’s registering for gifts. Looks like I’m finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I’ve always wanted.
Leonard: See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want.
Howard: You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?
Leonard: Maybe. We enter the dungeon.
Sheldon: You see a dragon.
Howard: Really? So we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn’t that a little on the nose?
Sheldon: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?
Leonard: Are you gonna eat that whole pie?
Raj: Maybe. Why not? Who do I have in my life to watch my figure for?
Leonard: Oh, God, did you watch Bridget Jones again?
Raj: No, it’s just that everybody’s got someone. Sheldon’s with Amy, Howard’s getting married, you’re dating my sister.
Leonard: Now that Howard’s getting married, maybe he’ll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you.
Raj: You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas.
Howard: Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.
Raj: That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a f*re-breathing dragon.
Raj: I don’t know if I want to play anymore.
Sheldon: Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: Now, I assume we use this same wax later on to neaten up each other’s bikini regions.
Penny: Yeah, my bikini region is fine.
Amy: Who’s shocked? I’m not. So, Bernadette, how’s the wedding planning going? And I’m not asking as a prospective bridesmaid. Pick me! Pick me!
Bernadette: We went cake-tasting yesterday. Raj came along. He cried and ate half the samples.
Penny: Oh, the poor guy’s so lonely. We should set him up with someone.
Bernadette: You know, I met a really cute girl at work. She’s married to a guy in one of our drug trials.
Penny: Well, hello? She’s married.
Bernadette: Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he’s in the placebo group.
Penny: Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to b*at.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Are we ready to order?
Sheldon: One moment. I’m conducting an experiment.
Howard: With Dungeons and Dragons dice?
Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.
Howard: So, what’s for dinner?
Sheldon: A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting.
Penny: Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?
Howard: Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.
Penny: Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please.
Sheldon: Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.
Leonard: Do you really want that?
Sheldon: That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.
Raj: What’s it thinking about now?
Sheldon: Hamburgers and lemonade.
Penny: Um, Raj, there’s someone I want you to meet. This is my friend Emily. I know her from my spin class. Raj, relax. She can’t hear you. She’s deaf.
Howard (signing): Emily, this is our friend Raj.
Penny: Oh! Look at you guys just hitting it off. I am so good.
Raj: Hi.
Howard: She says it’s nice to meet you.
Raj: Does she really mean that or was she signing it sarcastically?
Howard: Raj says it’s nice to meet you, too. She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text her and get together.
Raj: Okay, I’m going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe.
Howard: He’ll text you.
Raj: Ah, look at that. I have a date. I love America again.
Sheldon: And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about!
Scene: A coffee shop.
Raj: Okay, as soon as she gets here, so she knows I’m cool with it, I’m going to make a joke about her being deaf. I was thinking, hey, did you hear the one about…? Oh, no, I bet you didn’t.
Howard: Maybe we should revisit your lonely fat guy plan.
Raj: Oh, she’s here.
Howard: No joke. Oh, she says she’s sorry she’s late.
Raj: Tell her it doesn’t matter. Tell her, her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens.
Howard: Really? That’s the first thing you want to say?
Raj: I worked on it all night. Use it.
Howard: Look, I don’t know the sign for opalescent.
Raj: Then spell it.
Howard: I don’t know how to spell it.
Raj: You’re bl*wing this for me!
Howard: He likes your eyes.
Raj: You’re making me sound like a caveman.
Howard: She says, thank you, you have nice eyes, too.”
Raj: Really? Ask her how many children she wants, and whatever number she says, say, me too.
Howard: No.
Raj: Fine. Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice like James Earl Jones.
Howard: She doesn’t know what James Earl Jones sounds like.
Raj: Great. Then she won’t know I’m lying.
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: Let’s see, what else can I tell you about me that would make you like me? Ooh, I love music. Do you love music?
Howard: You really want to ask her that?
Raj: You’re right. Everyone loves music.
Howard: She says, do you play an instrument?
Raj: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boy band called Frankie Goes to Bollywood. But I couldn’t get any other boys to join, so my parents asked the servants to be my backup dancers. Wait, when you sign servants, don’t sign it like I’m bragging. Sign it in a way that I sound humble with just a hint of, that’s right, I had servants.
Howard: Do you hear yourself
Raj: Yes, but she doesn’t. So get signing, hand monkey.
Scene: The same, later.
Howard (translating for Emily): I think I wrote a letter to Santa Claus every day. And then on Christmas morning, under the tree is a little puppy with a red ribbon.
Raj: What are you doing?
Howard: Texting Bernadette that I’m gonna be late.
Raj: Dude, what is she saying?
Howard: It’s a funny story about a puppy. Just smile and laugh. Quick, quick, stop smiling.
Raj: What? Why?
Howard: The puppy died, it choked on a doll head. Sad face, sad face!
Scene: Outside the coffee shop.
Raj: It’s a little hard to see with the city lights, but that W-shaped constellation is Cassiopeia. And she was the mother of Andromeda who’s over there.
Howard: Look, pretty stars. This is her car. She hopes she can see you again sometime.
Raj: Good, good. Oh, boy, help me out here. Does she want me to kiss her or not?
Howard: I speak sign language, I don’t read minds.
Raj: If you were me, would you kiss her?
Howard: Yeah, but I’m a make out king. (She kisses Raj and gets into car)
Raj: I was so smooth on that date.
Howard: You? I made you smooth. You were an idiot.
Raj: Whatever, dude. She kissed me.
Howard: It might’ve been on your lips, but it was my kiss.
Raj: Oh, fine. Let’s agree she kissed both of us.
Howard: Okay.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon: Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard: You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
Penny: Is Raj out with Emily again?
Leonard: Yeah, every night for the last month.
Penny: Wow, can’t believe he has a girlfriend.
Sheldon (rolls dice): Me neither.
Howard: Here’s some other fun news on the Raj/Emily front. He gave her a pair of diamond earrings and leased her a car.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: You think she’s taking advantage of him?
Penny: Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf.
Leonard: Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?
Penny: Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that.
Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
Leonard: Could you tell us?
Sheldon: Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean, vastly wealthy?
Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.
Leonard: Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much.
Sheldon: No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
Howard: What the hell? The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.
Leonard: Listen, guys, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to go call Raj’s sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
Penny: Okay, so he’s got money, and it’s a few gifts and a car.
Howard: And she got him to pay off all her credit cards.
Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.
Howard: He’s not going to listen, he’s in love.
Sheldon: Can’t figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… (rolls dice) stay right here.
Scene: The gym.
Howard: Yeah, this is a bad idea. We should go.
Penny: No. I’m the one that introduced him to her. I’ve got to say something.
Howard: Wow.
Penny: You’re engaged to my friend.
Howard: Hey, Bernadette doesn’t mind where I get my motor running, as long as I park in the right garage.
Penny: I can’t believe you’re engaged to my friend. Oh, here she comes.
Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick can’t hear you.
Penny: Hi.
Howard (translating): Oh, hey, hi. Nice to see you.
Penny: Um, can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard: She says, sure, what about him?
Penny: Okay, um, gosh, how do I start? Um, see, Raj is kind of naive. I mean, he hasn’t dated a whole lot of women. And I’m concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him. You know, by letting him buy you a bunch of expensive things.And I.. I… Howard, focus. Tell her what I’m saying.
Howard: Right. Are you a gold digger or not? Oh, uh, something, something, who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself. Oh, wait, I got this now.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. She answers the door.
Raj: I’m so mad at you!
Penny: Okay, wait…
Raj: How dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym!
Penny: We didn’t mean for it to be an ambush. Just, it’s kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people. And hey, since when are you so chatty?
Raj: I’m hammered.
Penny: Raj, come here. This girl is trouble. I mean, what kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?
Raj: The best one I ever had!
Penny: Okay, come on. You know you can do better.
Raj: Aha. I see what’s going on here. You and I had our crazy night together, and now you can’t stand to see me with another woman.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Raj: It’s okay. I can’t get mad at your feelings.
Penny: I don’t have feelings.
Raj: Yeah, that’s good. Keep telling yourself that. (Storms out)
Penny: He is cuter now that I know he’s rich.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: I have a surprise for you. Cover your eyes. Open them. It’s a real ruby. It was a little expensive, but no one can put a price on love. Although, the people at Cartier took a pretty good sh*t at it. (Skype tone from computer) Oh, Mummy, Daddy. What a nice surprise.
Dr Koothrappali: No, it’s not a nice surprise, it’s a bad surprise.
Mrs Koothrappali: Penny called us.
Raj: Penny?
Mrs Koothrappali: She told us you’re spending all our money on your new girlfriend.
Raj: I just got her a couple of things. She gives me things, too.
Dr Koothrappali: Yeah, yeah, I’m a gynaecologist. I know exactly what she gives you.
Mrs Koothrappali: You need to find a nice Indian girl from a good family. If you keep seeing this woman, you’re cut off.
Raj: What? You’re going to make me choose between the woman I love and the money I have very strong feelings for?
Dr Koothrappali: It’s up to you.
Raj: Well, I choose love.
Dr Koothrappali: Hah. You’re an idiot. Love doesn’t last. Well, he’s going to find out eventually. Think about it.
Raj: My parents are making me choose between money and you. I choose you. (She signs) No, I think we’ll have to return the car. (Again) And that necklace, yeah, that, too. But none of those things matter, because we have something better. We have love.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Raj: Oh, Penny, I hurt so bad.
Penny: I know, I know.
Raj: Sometimes I put the TV on mute just to pretend she’s still with me. But I can’t watch the closed captioning without crying.
Penny: Oh, I’m so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better.
Raj: Seriously? I’m heartbroken and you’re hitting on me?
Penny: What? No!
Raj: Look, Penny, you’re great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Raj: Mmm. Oh, cheesecake, you’re just as good as a woman, even though I can’t have sex with you.
Howard: Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.
Sheldon: Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks.
Penny: Here you go, boys. I’ll pick it up when you’re ready.
Howard: Thanks for dinner, buddy.
Leonard: Yeah, real big of you.
Sheldon: Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Penny: Oh, and don’t cheap out on the tip. We all know you’re loaded now. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x04 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: It’s from Game of Thrones. What do you think?
Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?
Leonard: What did you have in mind?
Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.
Leonard: It would be a replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.
Leonard: Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?
Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no w*apon from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?
Leonard: Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there.
Sheldon: Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.
Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.
Leonard: Yeah. It’s okay, I guess.
Sheldon: Okay? It’s magnificent.
Leonard: Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it?
Stuart: Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250?
Leonard: Oh, that’s pretty steep.
Stuart: Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.
Sheldon: Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it.
Leonard: Hang on. Can you do any better?
Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.
Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.
Leonard: Slow down. Two hundred.
Sheldon: What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price.
Leonard: Will you shut up?
Stuart: Tell you what, I’ll go two thirty-five.
Leonard: Nope. Maybe another time.
Stuart: Okay, two twenty five, my final offer.
Sheldon: Take it, take it.
Leonard: Two hundred.
Stuart: Man, you’re k*lling me!
Sheldon: k*lling you? I can’t breathe.
Stuart: Two ten, and I’m losing money.
Sheldon: Oh, now, we can’t let him lose money, Leonard. I’m so sorry.
Leonard: Two ten and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet’s signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Leonard: So?
Stuart: Okay, if you’re going to question the importance of an actor’s signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!
Leonard: Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten.
Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.
Leonard: See that? I just saved us forty bucks.
Sheldon: I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.
Stuart: You want me to wrap it?
Leonard: No, it’s okay. I’m gonna s*ab my friend in the chest.
Wil Wheaton (entering): Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Ah, hey, Wil.
Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Wil: No.
Sheldon: I’m not surprised.
Stuart: Here’s the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted.
Wil: Awesome. What do I owe you?
Stuart: Forty bucks.
Wil: Good deal.
Sheldon: Sucker. Didn’t even ask for the friends and family discount.
Wil: Hey, I’m having a party at my house on Friday, and I was hoping you would stop by.
Stuart: Will there be girls there?
Wil: Yeah, of course.
Stuart: ‘Cause there wasn’t last time.
Wil: There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by.
Leonard: Thank you.
Wil: All right, great. Later.
Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.
Leonard: I was actually thinking about going.
Sheldon: And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.
Leonard: No, I was gonna grab Raj and Howard and have a good time.
Stuart: Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, can you grab me a water?
Sheldon: Possibly.
Leonard: Can you or can’t you?
Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.
Leonard: It never is, is it?
Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.
Leonard: Got it. Can I have my water?
Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.
Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn’t forget. Um, there’s this cat in a box and until you open it, it’s either d*ad or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother’s camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of d*ad cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You’re the whole package, aren’t you?
Howard (arriving): Sorry I’m late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team’s design for the deep field space telescope that’s going on the International Space Station this spring.
All: Wow.
Bernadette: Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!
Howard: It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.
Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.
Howard: Who’s Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
Howard: It’s me, Sheldon. It’s me. I’m going up in space! Technically, I’m an astronaut.
All: Wow, that’s amazing!
Bernadette: Hang on a second. NASA doesn’t have a shuttle any more. How are you going to get up there?
Howard: Oh, well, it’s really cool. You fly to Moscow, they take you out to Kazakhstan, and then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket which sh**t you into a low earth orbit. Or just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard: Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl.
Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.
All: Cheers.
Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Simultaneously, a festival of cloying clichés. You sicken me.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: You’re really quiet. Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Fine. Just a little tired.
Howard: I hope not too tired, because I’m feeling particularly masculine right now. All systems go, if you catch my drift.
Bernadette: I always catch your drift.
Howard: All right, well, something’s obviously bugging you. What is it?
Bernadette: I just can’t believe you signed up for the space program without even talking to me.
Howard: Oh, I get it. You’re worried about me. That is so sweet. You know, there’s a saying we have at NASA. What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.
Bernadette: Just stop talking, Howard.
Howard: This isn’t the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut.
Bernadette: What did you think was going to happen?
Howard: Honestly? Sex.
Bernadette: Howard.
Howard: Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honour it is to be chosen to go into space?
Bernadette: Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision. We’re supposed to be partners. We’re supposed to be a team.
Howard: I’m sorry. You’re right. Okay, let’s try this again. Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I’d like to discuss it.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: I’ve been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks. What are your thoughts on that?
Bernadette: Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision-making process.
Howard: Hey, we’re a team. So, what do you think?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: No?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Well why not?
Bernadette: Howard, my father was a police officer. We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive. It was horrible. And I don’t want to live that way with you.
Howard: Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again.
Bernadette: Oh, boo-hoo, you’re not going to space!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Pretty cool about Howard, huh?
Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.
Leonard: For God’s sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff.
Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?
Leonard: You never stop talking, do you?
Amy: I don’t understand. What differences does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton’s party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon’s mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
Amy: A floppy disk?
Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.
Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
All: Oh! Oh, God!
Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Howard?
Howard: Change your mind about sex? I’m still mad, but I’ll do it.
Bernadette: No, I’ve just been thinking. It doesn’t matter if I’m afraid for your safety. I don’t want to be the person who stands between you and your dreams.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: Really. If going into space means that much to you, I will never say another word about it.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: I love you.
Howard: I love you, too. So, sex now?
Bernadette: Okay. I just forgot to brush my teeth. I’ll be right back. (Exits)
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Over my d*ad body my son goes into outer space!
Bernadette: I’m ready.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Wait, let me see if I got this right. You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle of the night?
Howard: What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me.
Raj: Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star.
Howard: Little bit.
Leonard: I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.
Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.
Leonard: Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.
Leonard: I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!
Sheldon: Not yet.
Raj: So, what’s gonna happen next? Are you and Bernadette going to break up?
Howard: I don’t know. If we’re going to get back together, she’s going to have to apologize and accept that I’m a grown man who can make his own decisions.
Raj: Then she’s going to have to convince your mother to let you go into space.
Howard: Obviously.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: I had no choice. I had to tell his mother. He can’t go to space. He’s like a baby bird. Do you know he once got an asthma att*ck from reading an old library book?
Amy: You’re kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to break up over this.
Penny: Okay, why don’t you just tell him you made a mistake?
Bernadette: Do you guys think it was a mistake? Am I the bad guy in this?
Amy: It’s not for us to judge. We’re just here to provide comfort and support while you come to grips with what a despicable thing you’ve done.
Bernadette: Oh, God, you’re right. I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother. I need to apologize.
Penny: Well, that, that’s good. I’m glad you came to that. But before you do, let me just ask you a big picture question.
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette: I do, with all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.
Amy: He’s great.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.
Leonard: You want to drive?
Raj: Sure.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.
Leonard: No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.
Sheldon: Brent Spiner?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: I don’t care.
Leonard: Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him.
Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.
Leonard: I’m going. Live long and prosper, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, Bernadette’s here!
Howard: Tell her I’m not home!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
Bernadette: Can we talk?
Howard: You can. I have nothing to say.
Bernadette: All right. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry I said something to your mother.
Howard: I was gonna tell her eventually, but you went behind my back.
Bernadette: I know. I’m sorry. I got scared.
Howard: If you’re gonna love me, you’re gonna have to love the whole package, the tenderhearted poet and the crazy daredevil.
Bernadette: I know.
Howard: Well, don’t say it if you’re not gonna mean it, ’cause I’m not just gonna stop with the space station. Yeah, I want to go to the Moon, I want to go to Mars. I want to take a one-man sub to the lowest depths of the ocean.
Bernadette: Really? You got seasick on Pirates of the Caribbean.
Howard: Well, those big kids were rocking it.
Bernadette: I just did what I did because I love you so much, and the thought of losing you is more than I can handle.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: You’re my soul mate. This is where you kiss me.
Howard: Right, right.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Make up all you want! Your tuchus is not leaving this planet!
Scene: Wil Wheaton’s party.
Raj: Hey, you know that beautiful actress who plays the Borg Queen in First Contact?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, I just met her gynaecologist!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.
Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.
Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.
Wil: This is for you.
Sheldon: An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil: I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.
Wil: Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.
Wil: It’s my last one. I want you to have it.
Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!
Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?
Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.
Brent: Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.
Wil: Don’t worry. It doesn’t take up a whole lot of your time.
Sheldon: Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.
Leonard: Can we get autographed dolls?
Brent: Sure. Twenty bucks.
Leonard: Ten.
Brent: Eighteen.
Leonard: Twelve.
Brent: Sixteen.
Leonard: Two for thirty. And you come to my birthday party.
Brent: Done. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x05 - The Russian Rocket Reaction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon’s mother is visiting.
Leonard: So what kind of cruise is this you’re going on?
Mrs Cooper: It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mrs Cooper: You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, g*n with God.
Leonard: What’s g*n with God? I’m afraid to ask.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they f*re ‘em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge g*n full of our Lord’s forgiveness.
Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mrs Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam!
Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.
Mrs Cooper: Sounds delicious.
Sheldon: Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.
Leonard: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook.
Sheldon: Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.
Mrs Cooper: Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out for a bite, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me?
Leonard: All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.
Mrs Cooper: I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon: There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.
Mrs Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he’s fine.
Sheldon: Told you.
Mrs Cooper: Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.
Credits Sequence.
Scene: A sushi bar.
All: Irasshaimase!
Sheldon: Stop yelling! I’m not happy about this.
Leonard: What’s the last thing you were ever happy about?
Sheldon: The prospect of fried chicken.
Mrs Cooper: This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route Four serves sushi, but it’s just cut up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben’s. They put it on the menu in those kung fu letters, but that don’t make it sushi.
Leonard: Uh, kung fu letters might not be politically correct.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I thought the one we couldn’t say was ching chong.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that, too.
Mrs Cooper: So, Shelly, what’s up with you and your friend Amy, if you don’t mind a mother prying a bit?
Sheldon: Well, there’s actually big news on the Amy front. She’s been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals. She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.
Mrs Cooper: Do you have any idea what’s going on with those two?
Leonard: It’s kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t. We’ll probably never know. But sometimes it’s fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
Mrs Cooper: How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you’re in some sort of a long distance situation?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, that’s a funny turn, isn’t it? You never think about it going the other way. Well, you can’t force things. You need to figure out if you’re in a relationship or if you’re just calling it one. It’s like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that don’t make ‘em biscuits.
Sheldon: And that reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’tmake your mother fry it.
Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her. Please, for me.
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?
Mrs Cooper: It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked and if it was beef. Sheldon, when is your landlord going to fix the elevator?
Sheldon: I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a m*ssile silo.
Leonard: Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon: Get them before they get us.
Raj (Sitting against their front door, drinking a beer): Hey, look who decided to show up.
Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends. Three, sadly, are d*ad.
Sheldon: Mom, you remember Rajesh? Rajesh, my mother.
Raj: Of course. Mrs. Cooper. So nice to see you again.
Mrs Cooper: Well, it’s so nice to see you, too. I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don’t say that, either. I’ll make you a list.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, that would be mighty white of you. So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol?
Raj: Nothing, I’m fine.
Mrs Cooper: Are ya?
Raj: No. (Bursts into tears)
Mrs Cooper: That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.
Raj: I’m so lonely.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.
Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’?
Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.
Mrs Cooper: And when they’re drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?
Sheldon: Coffee.
Mrs Cooper: And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.
Raj: I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better.
Sheldon: I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard: You want some Oreos?
Sheldon: Double Stuf?
Leonard: No, regular.
Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he’s down.
Scene: The laundry room.
Sheldon: I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.
Mrs Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you’re on vacation is laundry.
Sheldon: Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.
Mrs Cooper: Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing.
Sheldon: It is nice, isn’t it?
Penny (arriving): Mrs. Cooper. Hi!
Mrs Cooper: Oh, hello, darlin’.
Penny: Sheldon, you didn’t tell me your mom was coming.
Sheldon: It was in my weekly e-mail blast. Right between beet season is finally here, and uh-oh, red stool from beets leads to cancer scare.
Mrs Cooper: So, how’ve you been?
Penny: Good, good.
Mrs Cooper: I hear that Leonard has a new girlfriend. How are you doing with all that?
Penny: Oh, fine. You know, it’s been a while. I’m getting back out there.
Mrs Cooper: Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)
Penny: Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.
Mrs Cooper: Hon, you think maybe the reason why you’re having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all. And don’t b*at yourself up. When I was your age, you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon: Now that will not be in this week’s e-mail blast.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I’ve got a good book you could read.
Howard: Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist.
Mrs Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still.
Sheldon: I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.
Mrs Cooper: I don’t know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sightseeing.
Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
Mrs Cooper: Come on, Sheldon, we’ll take your mom to see the Hollywood sign, the wax museum, the Walk of Fame.
Penny: Ooh, maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I can’t spend twelve hundred dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.
Howard: What do you say?
Sheldon: What do I say? I say you people need to stop ruining my mom’s visit with your sushi, and your sadness and your slutty shirts. Stop it.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): He’s not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
Scene: The kitchen.
Leonard: These are delicious.
Mrs Cooper: The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.
Leonard: Everything? Aren’t you worried about your health?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly.
Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.
Mrs Cooper: Apology accepted.
Sheldon: Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.
Mrs Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.
Sheldon: But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us.
Sheldon: I’m not going, and you can’t make me.
Mrs Cooper: You’re right, I can’t. Have a nice day.
Sheldon: Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind.
Mrs Cooper: Well, then you are going to stand there all day.
Leonard: I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there.
Sheldon: I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.
Mrs Cooper: I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.
Sheldon: We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I guess we are.
Leonard: Sorry. Syrup.
Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand)
Leonard: I hadn’t…
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes)
Amy: Are you getting sick?
Sheldon: No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.
Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority?
Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.
Amy: Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology.
Sheldon: Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.
Amy: Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else.
Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?
Amy: Actually, some research indicates that by not over-thinking, the less intelligent handle emotions better. (He sneezes again) Sure you’re not coming down with a cold?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, the common cold. Just like everyone else. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?
Scene: A church.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, this one’s sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs. Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mrs Cooper: My goodness, it’s a wonder you people in California can talk at all.
Penny: This is like the worst Hollywood tour ever.
Leonard: What are you gonna do? She wanted to see churches.
Penny: Hey, they have wine here, don’t they?
Raj (pointing at a crucifixion statue): Hey, none of our gods have abs like that.
Howard: Yep, that’s the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.
Mrs Cooper: Hey, while we’re here, why don’t we all do some praying? Let’s put a little church in this church.
Leonard: Oh, I’m not sure we should.
Mrs Cooper: It’s easy. I’ll show you how. Lord, Mary Cooper here. Coming to you from Gomorrah, California. I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my Bible. All right, Penny, your turn.
Penny: Okay, um, hey, God. What’s up? Um, I’m good, but, uh, it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth. But no cops. Be cool.
Mrs Cooper: She also goes a little overboard on the love thy neighbour. Could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene. Leonard, you’re up. Wasserman, you’re on deck.
Leonard: Okay. I don’t know, it’s probably a little late to ask you to make me taller. Oh, um, if you could help out with me and my girlfriend. She’s all the way in India. That would be great.
Mrs Cooper: Hear that? Girl trouble. Turns out we were both wrong on that front. How about you?
Howard: Oh, me? No. Thanks, I’m good. I’m really just trying not to burst into flames.
Mrs Cooper: Rajesh?
Howard: He says he’s having trouble dropping those last five pounds.
Mrs Cooper: Huh, I might have gone with the talking-to-girls thing.
Howard: No, you only get one wish.
Scene: A park bench. Sheldon is sitting. A stranger sits next to him.
Sheldon: Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist. The kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. You, the common man, tired from your labours as a stockbroker, or vacuum cleaner salesman, or bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we’re just two peas in a pod. A regular pea, and the kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. Rain. Another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike. (The stranger puts up an umbrella) Smarty-pants.
Scene: The kitchen.
Penny: Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
Mrs Cooper: You take notes, darlin’. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He’ll die at 50 but his love will be true.
Sheldon (entering, soaked): I need a tissue.This one got wet.
Leonard: Here.
Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)
Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, are you sick?
Sheldon: I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed.
Sheldon: Okay.
Mrs Cooper: Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby.
Sheldon: And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.
Mrs Cooper: Of course.
Sheldon: Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?
Mrs Cooper: You can have whatever you want.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.You’re the best.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Mrs Cooper: Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest.
Sheldon: I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mrs Cooper: And whose fault was that?
Sheldon: Yours.
Mrs Cooper: Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship.
Sheldon: No, we don’t. The one we have works great.
Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, you are a grown man.
Sheldon: Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston.
Sheldon: Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty?
Mrs Cooper: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Leonard (at door): Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?
Sheldon: Get out!
Mrs Cooper: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mrs Cooper: Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mrs Cooper (to God): This is what I’m talking about. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x06 - The Rhinitis Revelation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.
Ghostly voice: Sheldon, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.
Ghostly voice: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.
Raj: You should’ve seen your face.
Sheldon: Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.
Howard: Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask)
Raj: He’s probably right.
Howard: We can’t b*at him. He’s just too smart.
Sheldon: Gentlemen. (Turns and sees Leonard. Screams and faints).
Howard: Who had money on faints?
Raj: I had pee his pants.
Leonard: Hang on. Looks like everyone’s a winner.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!
Sheldon: Droll.
Howard:Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.
Leonard: That was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia.
Sheldon: Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you’ve poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you’ve forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I’m Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.
Stuart: Hot girl, nine o’clock. Don’t everybody look at once!
Raj: What is she doing in a comic book store?
Stuart: I don’t know, she might be lost. Doesn’t matter. Watch and learn. Hi.
Hot girl: Hi.
Stuart: Um… it-it-it… (returns to guys) Shut up.
Hot girl (to Leonard): Are you getting this Next Men?
Leonard: Uh, yeah. It’s issue number 21. First appearance of Hellboy.
Hot girl: I know. I’ve been looking for it for years.
Leonard: Sorry.
Hot girl: Hey, if I pretended to h*t on you, could I distract you enough to sneak it away?
Leonard: Yes, but you’d be using your superpowers for evil.
Hot girl: Damn, I’m forbidden by my Kryptonian father to do so. I am Alice.
Leonard: Leonard.
Alice: You are very cute, Leonard.
Leonard: Thanks. You, too. You know, go ahead and take it.
Alice: No, no. No, no, I, I, I did evil. Would you be open to a trade?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, I guess.
Alice: Okay. Here. This is my number, call me.
Leonard: Sorry, palm’s a little sweaty. What’s that word?
Alice: Alice.
Leonard: Oh, right, your name. That makes more sense than penis.
Alice: Later.
Howard: Did we just see you pick up a girl in a comic book store?
Stuart: ‘Cause if you did, you get your picture up there on the Wall of Heroes.
Leonard: No, I don’t think I picked her up. Besides, I have a girlfriend.
Stuart: Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.
Scene: Entering the apartment building.
Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail.
Leonard: How many times are you gonna tell me? What’s with you?
Sheldon: Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.
Leonard: Right.
Penny: Hey, guys.
Leonard: More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?
Penny: Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS h*t at the same time.
Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.
Leonard: Will you relax? I’ll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work?
Sheldon: Open the mail!
Leonard: Excuse me. (Sheldon holds fingers in ears) A couple of circulars, nothing important.
Penny: What’s with him?
Leonard: Hang on. (Sheldon opens mail box. A loud horn blows and a balloon with Leonard’s face on pops out. Sheldon faints again.) You might be from Texas, but I’m from New Jersey.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is with Alice.
Leonard: Check it out. Jim Lee drew this of me two years ago at Comic Con.
Alice: What are you wearing?
Leonard: Well, you know, it’s Comic Con. I’m Lion-O from ThunderCats.
Alice: Wow, you must have gotten so laid.
Leonard: No. But Jessica Alba did rub my furry belly.
Alice: Want to see a comic I draw?
Leonard: You’re kidding. You have your own book?
Alice: Yeah. It’s kinda based on my life.
Leonard: Cool. Oh, look. That’s you having sex with a guy in the top half of a Chewbacca costume. Comic Con?
Alice: You’d think, but no.
Leonard: You’re very talented. This is really good. Did you do… (she kisses him.)
Alice: So, can I trade you my comic for the Hellboy?
Leonard: You can have my car.
Scene: Sheldon’s office.
Sheldon (creeps into office carrying a box): Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj’s top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell.
Raj (entering): Good morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.
Raj: You have a thing of paper clips right there.
Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?
Raj: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Be a lamb and check.
Raj: All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here?
Sheldon: It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.
Raj: Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer?
Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.
Raj: Let’s go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice.
Sheldon: I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You’re better than this.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. There is a knock.
Penny: It’s open.
Leonard: Hey, you got a minute?
Penny: Yeah, sure, come on in.
Leonard: Thanks.
Penny: Want some mac and cheese?
Leonard: No. Lactose. Gas.
Penny: Glass of wine?
Leonard: No. Sulfites. Migraines.
Penny: Okay, well, I’d offer you Halloween candy, but that’s gone. So, what’s up?
Leonard: Okay, we used to go out, right?
Penny: Oh, my God, that’s where I know you from.
Leonard: I’m dealing with a situation and it’s kind of about my love life, so I know that might be weird for us to talk about, but in this area, as you know, all my other friends are just so stupid.
Penny: All right, what’s going on?
Leonard: So, you’re okay talking about this?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: You’re sure it’s not weird.
Penny: It’s okay.
Leonard: You know what, if you ever want to talk to me about a problem in your life with a guy, then I would be fine with that.
Penny: Okay, good, because there’s this one guy I used to date who’s about to be force-fed wine and cheese if he doesn’t get to the point.
Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. Is it cheating if a guy has a girlfriend…
Penny: Yeah, probably.
Leonard: Come on.
Penny: I’m sorry, go ahead.
Leonard: I met this girl, and she’s great. We have a lot in common.
Penny: Did you guys do it?
Leonard: No. We just made out a little.
Penny: Oh, look at you, you bad boy. Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard: Well, I was gonna, but there were too many tongues in my mouth.
Penny: That’s gross.
Leonard: Here’s the thing, I, I’m not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
Penny: Well, good for you.
Leonard: The problem is, I want to be one of those guys.
Penny: So sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
Leonard: Oh, that’s not who I am.
Penny: All right, then break it off with the new girl.
Leonard: Now, let’s not do anything rash. She’s really hot.
Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don’t you just end things with Priya?
Leonard: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married someday.
Penny: Leonard, you’re looking for a way to sleep with both women and have everybody be happy about it.
Leonard: Now we’re getting somewhere.
Penny: What does your gut tell you?
Leonard: Go ask Penny; she’ll know what to do.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is adjusting a device on his arm.
Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Science. You wouldn’t understand.
Leonard: Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.)
Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind.
Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?
Leonard: No. I’m having a moral crisis.
Sheldon: Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.
Leonard: Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India.
Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.
Leonard: Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.
Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.
Leonard: That actually does help.
Sheldon: It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.
Leonard: Screw it, I’m going.
Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?
Leonard: Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now.
Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Great. Tropicana, no pulp.
Scene: Howard’s house. Sheldon rings the doorbell.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon.
Bernadette (off): Who is it?
Sheldon: It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Howard: That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really? That’s very unsettling.
Bernadette: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Howard: What’s up?
Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.
Howard: Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then?
Sheldon: Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a g*n!
Howard: Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)
Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.
Bernadette: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette: This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon: We are?
Bernadette: You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one sh*t.
Sheldon: Oh, no! I can’t!
Bernadette: Hurry! We’re running out of time!
Sheldon: Okay.
Bernadette: Just do it!
Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three!
Howard: Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon: What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself).
Scene: Alice’s apartment. Alice and Leonard are kissing.
Leonard: Damn it, I can’t. I can’t, I can’t do this.
Alice: Uh, is it my tongue stud? ‘Cause if that freaks you out, you’re in for a real surprise later on.
Leonard: No, no, no. I, I can’t do this. Believe me, I really want to.
Alice: But?
Leonard: But I kind of have a girlfriend.
Alice: Are you kidding?
Leonard: You’re cool with you and me just being friends, right?
Alice: I don’t believe this.
Leonard: Wait, I don’t, which part?
Alice: I’m so stupid. I thought for once I’d met a good guy, but you’re just another jackass.
Leonard: Oh, no, no, you have it wrong. No. I, I was going to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I stayed a good guy, so, I’m gonna pass on the sex. But you should know, that’s not a comment on your hotness but on my goodness. That’s kind of my superpower. I’m, like, Captain Good Guy.
Scene: Leonard being ejected into the corridor.
Leonard: It’s okay. Did the right thing. You idiot!
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is on skype.
Leonard: Hey, Priya.
Priya: Hey, sweetheart. How’s it going?
Leonard: Uh, not so good. We have to talk.
Priya: Oh, sounds serious. What’s up?
Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. I met this girl and I kissed her, and I feel terrible about it. But it’s done, it’s never gonna happen again. And I am so, so sorry.
Priya: Leonard, relax. It’s okay.
Leonard: It is?
Priya: Yeah, these things happen. They happen to everybody.
Leonard: Oh, my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don’t deserve you. Wh, what do, what do you mean everybody?
Priya: Leonard, I didn’t know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too.
Leonard: Uh, kind of?
Priya: A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So, I guess we both messed up a little.
Leonard: No, no, I messed up a little. You messed up a lot.
Priya: Well, it’s not a competition.
Leonard: Oh yeah, it is, and you won. I, I, I’m, I’m sorry, I have to go. I don’t believe this.
Sheldon (leaping out of the base of the sofa): Bazinga, punk. Now we’re even. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x07 - The Good Guy Fluctuation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette: Well, if you don’t mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy: Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette: Really?
Amy: Twelve years ago, my cousin Irene and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette: That’s horrible.
Amy: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odourless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out, still in the bags. The gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette: I don’t know. d*ad people’s dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.
Amy: Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a sl*ve to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.
Sheldon: Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny.
Leonard: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard: What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us?
Sheldon: I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists.
Penny: Okay, that time you looked at me.
Amy: Who didn’t? Your skin is like alabaster. Do you even have pores?
Sheldon: Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse.
Penny: All right, who wants to go to my apartment and look at bridal magazines?
Bernadette: Oh, me.
Penny: Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving.
Amy: Wait for moi.
Sheldon: You’re leaving?
Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I’m a lady. And with that comes an oestrogen fuelled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.
Sheldon: Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?
Raj: Totally. What’s wrong with cap sleeves? If you have the right figure for it, they’re adorable.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Hey, Amy, what brings you to our neck of the woods?
Amy: Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.
Sheldon: She popped by to borrow a cup of mad cow disease.
Amy: It’s hard to make degenerative brain maladies hilarious, and yet somehow you do it.
Howard: That’s fun to have in a lunchroom.
Amy: The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.
Howard: Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject?
Sheldon: Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.
Leonard: This time, it’s your fault.
Sheldon: I have 100 alphabetized topics from artichoke, come on, people, it’s just a giant thistle, to zzz, the onamona-poetry of sleep.
Leonard: Amy, how long would it take for that mad cow disease to k*ll me?
Amy: I don’t know, four or five years.
Leonard: No, it’s not gonna do it.
Howard: Oy. Bernadette keeps texting me pictures of Penny in bridesmaid dresses.
Amy: They’re out shopping right now?
Howard: Yeah.
Amy: Just the two of them?
Howard: I guess.
Amy: That’s cool, that’s cool.
Howard: Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (Raj raises his hand)
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is horseracing on a Kinnect game.
Leonard: Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air.
Sheldon: Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.
Leonard: Did you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.
Leonard: If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right.
Sheldon: Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.
Leonard: I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat.
Sheldon: Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?
Leonard: You do?
Sheldon: Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.
Leonard: Forget about the bobcat.
Sheldon: How can I? You won’t stop talking about it.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing the harp.
Amy (singing): Everybody hurts, sometimes everybody cries. Everybody hurts, sometimes.
Sheldon (outside): She sounds weepy. I don’t like weepy. Let’s go.
Leonard: Uh, she’s your friend. Step up.
Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I’m single, I don’t need this crap.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.
Amy: I wanted to be alone.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.
Amy: Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me.
Sheldon: Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?
Amy: It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
Sheldon: If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.
Amy: Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.
Sheldon: And that made you feel sad?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.
Amy: It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.
Sheldon: When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind.
Sheldon: Always.
Amy: At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.
Sheldon: Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.
Amy: Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
Sheldon: Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.
Amy: How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.
Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.
Amy: We cuddle. Final offer.
Sheldon: Very well. Oh, boy. (They cuddle, awkwardly.)
Amy: I’m just saying, second base is right there.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Mm, I’m thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar moustache.
Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?
Raj: This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here.
Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.
Howard: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon: You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!
Leonard: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She’s not my girlfriend.
Sheldon: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Moo-shu is Penny.
Penny: Thank you. Where’s Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, he was up late last night, so I gave him an early dinner and put him to bed.
Bernadette: That’s so sweet.
Leonard: Yeah, but now he’s gonna be up at dawn and want to play.
Howard: So, listen, guys, the reason he was up late is because he was taking care of Amy. She’s kind of upset.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: Her feelings got hurt because you guys went dress shopping without her.
Bernadette: I told you that would happen.
Penny: Okay, look, this is her first time being a bridesmaid and she’s just getting a little crazy with it.
Bernadette: She keeps on telling us stories about bridesmaid traditions in other cultures, and they’re all about getting naked and washing each other.
Penny: Yeah, and she keeps trying to figure out if our cycles have synced up so we can call ourselves the Three Menstra-teers
Bernadette: We thought it would be easier to look at dresses one time without her. I feel terrible.
Penny: I know. Me, too. We’ll talk to her. Hey, wait, how did she find out?
Howard: Raj did it. And he says he would do it again. Okay, I’m sorry. You sent me the picture, I wasn’t thinking.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: Well, hey, I’m usually pretty good at not blabbing. You tell me tons of stuff about these guys, and I never repeat it.
Penny: What do you tell him?
Bernadette: Oh, you know, just pillow talk. You guys have nothing to worry about.
Leonard: Hold on, did you talk about us when we were dating?
Penny: No. All your little secrets are fine.
Bernadette: Yes, absolutely fine.
Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I’ll tell you later.
Scene: Amy’s lab. Amy is dissecting a brain.
Amy: Come on, tumour. Come on, tumour, Mama needs an aggressive little glioblastoma. Yay, brain tumour! Probably not the same reaction you had when you got the news.
Penny: Hi.
Bernadette: Hello.
Amy: What are you doing here?
Penny: Well, look, we just wanted to apologize for not bringing you with us the other day.
Amy: That’s not necessary, it’s like Sesame Street says, one of these things is not like the other, one of these things should die alone.
Penny: Look, come on, Amy, look, let us make it up to you. We’ll have a girl’s night, we’ll do whatever you want.
Bernadette: We can go down to the Korean baths and do that thing you were talking about where we wash each other.
Penny: With-with loofah mitts, no hands.
Amy: It’s okay. I’m glad this happened. I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-
the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Bernadette: Amy, we’re really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy: Don’t. I’ll be okay. You’re not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It’s like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Penny: Oh, come on, Amy.
Amy: You don’t get it. Look at this brain.
Penny: I don’t really want to.
Amy: This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you’re the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where’s Amy? She’s right here, the sad little tumour no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette: Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin).
Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is building his Lego Death Star. Phone rings.
Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.
Leonard: What’s going on?
Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
Leonard: Really? Amy?
Sheldon: Leonard, be glad you can’t keep a woman. They are a handful.
Scene: A liquor store parking lot.
Amy: Oh, look. It’s Sheldon and little Leonard. Hi, little Leonard.
Leonard: Hi, Amy.
Amy: Hey, Cuddles.
Leonard: Cuddles?
Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.
Leonard: Amy, what are you doing here?
Amy: Well, I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you’re sad.
Leonard: Yeah, but why didn’t you go back to your apartment?
Amy: Didn’t you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me.
Leonard: Maybe we should get you home.
Amy: Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?
Leonard: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I’m begging both of you, please, let’s go.
Leonard: Okay. Come on. Upsy-daisy.
Amy: Whee! Ooh, finally someone found second base.
Scene: Amy’s lab. She is dissecting a brain.
Amy: I know how you feel. I got a Kn*fe slicing through my frontal lobe, too.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: What do you want? Do you want me to give the friendship bracelet back?
Penny: I never gave you a friendship bracelet.
Amy: When we first met, I made one and pretended you gave it to me. You can have it back if you want.
Penny: No, you made that for you, I want you to have it.
Bernadette: We know you’re upset, and you have every right to be, but if it’s okay with you, we’d like a second chance to make things right.
Penny: We are really sorry, and we were trying to think of some way to show you how much we care about you.
Bernadette: Which is why it would mean so much if you would agree to be the maid of honour at my wedding.
Amy: What? Wait, is this some kind of practical joke? Like in Norway, when my friends trapped me in a sauna with a horny otter?
Bernadette: No. I, I want you to be the maid of honour.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. No one’s every asked me to be the maid of honour before. Well, that’s not true. Once, but then they all died.
Bernadette: So is that a yes?
Amy: Yes. Yes. Oh, my gosh, I, I have so much to do. There’s the bridal shower and the bachelorette party. What should we do for the bachelorette party? Oh, I know, we’ll go to a Native American sweat lodge, we’ll take peyote, roll around in the mud, and paint fertility symbols on Bernadette’s naked body. So that’s happening.
Penny: Yeah, sure, sure. Vegas is fun, too.
Amy: I feel like crying. Of course, I could just be hormonal. Oh, wait. Maybe our menses are finally syncing up. Bernadette? No? Penny?
Penny: Sorry.
Amy: Really?
Penny: Okay, yeah.
Amy: Yay!
Scene: A bridal store.
Amy: Maid of honour Amy Farrah Fowler’s amazing behind-the-scenes wedding video, take one.
Bernadette: We’re just trying on dresses, do we really need to record this?
Amy: I’m sorry, are you the maid of honour?
Bernadette: I am the bride.
Amy: So no. And action.
Penny (in a red bridesmaid dress): What do you think?
Bernadette: I love it!
Amy: What are you, a nun? Come on, bestie, let’s see some skin.
Cut to Amy in a lilac dress.
Bernadette: Oh, Amy! Looking sexy!
Amy: You think they don’t have mirrors in there? I know how I look.
Cut to Bernadette in a wedding dress.
Penny: Oh! Bernadette, you look beautiful!
Amy: You do.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Amy: Not Penny beautiful, but beautiful.
Cut to changing room door.
Amy: Come on, bestie, you’re up.
Penny (off): Give me a minute.
Amy: What is taking you so long? (Opens door. Penny is in her underwear)
Penny: Oh, Amy! Get the hell out of here!
Amy: – Sorry, sorry. (Swings camera away. Then back again)
Penny: Oh, God. Amy!
Amy: Sorry. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x08 - The Isolation Permutation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The lobby.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You work the lunch shift?
Penny: Yeah. I’ve got eight pounds of salmon that’s about to go bad. Do you know how to cook it?
Leonard: Not really.
Penny: Damn it. Should have liberated the iffy chicken. What are you and Professor Fussyface up to tonight?
Leonard: Star Wars on Blu-ray.
Penny: Haven’t you seen that movie, like, a thousand times?
Leonard: Not on Blu-ray. Only twice on Blu-ray.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Leonard: I know, it’s high-resolution sadness.
Penny: Well, I’m going to take myself out to a movie tonight. You want to go?
Leonard: Really? Do we do that?
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: You know, we haven’t spent time alone together since we broke up.
Penny: Oh, it’s not a date, Leonard. It’s just a man and a woman hanging out, and not having sex at the end of the night.
Leonard: Sounds like most of my dates.
Sheldon (off, voice heard through apartment door as they approach): Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster!
Penny: What is that about?
Leonard: Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.)
Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone!
Leonard: What the hell is going on?
Sheldon: There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.
Penny: Really? On top of everything else, you’re afraid of birds?
Sheldon: It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.
Penny: So movies, yes or no?
Leonard: Movies, yes.
Penny: Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.
Sheldon: That doesn’t help.
Penny: No, I was talking to the bird.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.
Leonard: Sheldon, just ignore him.
Sheldon: Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.Sheldon is trying to scare the bird away making cat noises.
Leonard: The bird’s still there?
Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?
Leonard: I don’t know. Scree-scree.
Sheldon: Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.
Leonard: Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed?
Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.
Leonard: I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date.
Sheldon: Do you think it’s a date?
Leonard: No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t.
Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.
Leonard: Are we overthinking this?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Leonard: You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this.
Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a d*ad-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a d*ad-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?
Leonard (returning in a tee shirt and backwards cap): Too casual?
Sheldon: For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers!
Scene: The cinema.
Penny: Oh, hey, if we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure. There’s also an amazing documentary about building a dam on river in South America.
Penny: Okay, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she’s not building a dam.
Leonard: Can’t argue with that. I’ll get the tickets.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Actually, you know what? I think it’s about time I pick a movie we see.
Penny: You pick plenty of movies.
Leonard: No. You always picked, and it was always the same. An hour and a half of beach houses in the rain until the woman turns around and realizes love was here all along.
Penny: But come on, that is a great movie, and it starts in ten minutes.
Leonard: I hate those movies.
Penny: No, you don’t.
Leonard: Yes, I do. The only reason I went is because you wanted to see them, and I wanted to have sex. To this day, I can’t see a Sandra Bullock movie poster without getting both bored and aroused.
Penny: Okay, so while we were going out, how often would you pretend to like things just to have sex with me?
Leonard: All the time.
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: Does this sound familiar? I’d love to go shoe shopping with you. Hiking? It’s great. It’s two a.m., of course I want to go to Korea Town and sing karaoke with your friends. Who wouldn’t?
Penny: Okay, we were going out. You were going to get sex anyway.
Leonard: Really? You would have slept with me after a three-hour documentary on dams?
Penny: No. No woman would.
Leonard: See? Now, that’s the great thing. We’re out as friends. This is not a date. Sex is off the table. So, let’s go learn why hydroelectric power might not be the environmental bargain you think it is. Sorry. Spoiler alert.
Penny: All right, fine.
Leonard: Thanks. Tickets are eleven bucks. Not a date.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I’m pushing play.
Sheldon: A minute.
Howard: If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.
Howard: I have a Masters degree from M.I.T.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.
Raj: I really don’t get your problem with birds.
Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-b*mb my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.
Raj: Hummingbirds are pretty.
Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.
Raj: Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth.
Sheldon: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on?
Raj: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon: It’s not a death ray. It’s just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn’t move.)
Raj: That is one tough birdie.
Scene: A bar.
Leonard: Come on, you enjoyed the movie. I saw you tearing up when the village got flooded, and everyone had to relocate.
Penny: No, I was thinking how come they get to leave and I can’t.
Leonard: I’m going to get some fries. You want anything?
Penny: Uh, no, thanks.
Leonard: Are you sure? Because you always say no, and then you eat half my fries.
Penny: I just eat the little crispy ones you don’t like.
Leonard: No, I love them. I save them for the end, but they’re gone because you ate them. And why did I let you eat them?
Penny: To get sex.
Leonard: Exactly. But this is not a date. So I ask again, would you like anything?
Penny: All right, I’d like an order of fries.
Leonard: Great. That’ll be five dollars. I am having the best time. I’m so glad you suggested we do this.
Penny (accidentally nudging the man sitting behind her): Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem.
Penny: What you writing there?
Man: A screenplay. Its about a guy whose roommate is having sex and tells him go to a bar and work on his screenplay.
Penny: I Hope Alex Gets Crabs: The Movie.
Man: It’s a working title.
Penny: Oh.
Man: I’m Kevin.
Penny: Oh. Penny. Nice to meet you.
Kevin: I’ll let you get back to your date.
Penny: Oh, no, no. This isn’t a date, no. Right?
Leonard: Uh, right.
Penny: So have you written anything I might have seen?
Kevin: That depends. How much time do you spend on Yelp?
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I’m a grown man from Texas. This isn’t a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It’s just a blue jay. (Opens window) That’s a pretty big blue jay. (Closes window. Goes to cabinet. Comes out wearing a Boba Fett helmet and a broom) One, two, three. (Opens window) Go! Shoo! Am-scray, ird-bay! (Bird flies in window) Bird in the apartment! Bird in the apartment! (Sees the bird sitting in his place) No!
Scene: The bar.
Penny (to Kevin): So it is an amazing documentary. They need the electricity from the dam, but at the same time they want to preserve the environment.
Leonard: You’re kidding me. Uh, can I see you for a sec over here?
Penny: Oh, yeah. Sure. Just one sec?
Kevin: No problem.
Penny: What’s up?
Leonard: I know what you’re doing.
Penny: What am I doing?
Leonard: You’re going out of your way to talk to that guy because I said we weren’t on a date.
Penny: No, I’m talking to him because he’s cute.
Leonard: Come on, he’s not that cute.
Penny: Yes, he is. With his dorky T-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
Leonard: I wear dorky T-shirts and glasses.
Penny: Yes, but when you’re tall and have great cheekbones, you’re doing it ironically.
Leonard: If that’s so, what if I start talking to a girl?
Penny: You should.
Leonard: I’m serious. I’ll do it.
Penny: Good! Go! There are some girls right over there. What are you waiting for?
Leonard: They’re in a group. I’m scared.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
Sheldon: You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.
Bernadette: I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
Amy: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing.
Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.
Bernadette: Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.
Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!
Bernadette: Oh, he’s a sweetie.
Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.
Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.
Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are k*lled by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.
Bernadette: Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!
Sheldon: I did it! I actually did it. Okay, now flush him.
Scene: The bar.
Woman: So, Leonard, what do you do for fun?
Leonard: Um, let’s see. Hiking. Karaoke in Koreatown. Any Jennifer Aniston movie.
Penny: Hey. Sorry I ditched you.
Leonard: No, it’s fine. You can ditch away.
Penny: Oh, no, no. We said we were going to hang out, let’s hang out.
Leonard: It’s cool. Go back to Kevin.
Penny: Oh, he had to leave.
Leonard: Interesting. So now that he’s gone, you want to hang out with me.
Woman: This must be Penny.
Leonard: Yep.
Woman: I totally get it.
Penny: Huh? I’m sorry, get what?
Leonard: Don’t worry about it. You know, there’s some guys over there. You should go talk to them.
Penny: No, no. I want to know what you told her.
Leonard: That’s kind of between me and…
Woman: Laura.
Leonard: Laura.
Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
Laura: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween.
Leonard: Hey, pal. You didn’t see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
Penny: Okay. Then I’ll return the favour, and I won’t tell…
Laura: Laura.
Penny: Laura that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
Leonard: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as Waitress in a local production of The Cheesecake Factory?
Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
Leonard: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.
Penny: A… S… Take me home.
Leonard: Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the bird on his arm.
Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.
Bernadette: Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.
Sheldon: My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?
Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.
Amy: If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.
Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!
Scene: The stairwell. They ascend without talking.
Leonard: Okay. So, we went out, saw a movie, met some nice people, said horrible things about each other in public, all in all, a pretty magical night.
Penny: Okay, I’m not innocent in all this, but you basically called me stupid, you asthmatic dumbass.
Leonard: I know, I, I, I crossed a line. And I’m sorry. No, no, no, hang on. I really mean it. And it’s not like when we were going out, I’d just apologize for everything so we could end up in bed. This is a 100% sex-is-off-the-table I’m sorry.
Penny: All right. Thank you. I’m sorry, too.
Leonard: Just to be clear, sex is off the table, right?
Penny: Way off.
Leonard: Maybe we’re not ready to hang out as friends.
Penny: I don’t know. Up until the last part, I was kind of enjoying take-charge Leonard with a little backbone. Picking the movie, knowing what he wants, a little cocky.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Well, then, I’m putting sex back on the table. What do you think about that?
Penny: Ooh. Maybe I like it.
Leonard: You do? Because if that’s what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I’ll be anything you want me to be.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: I am such an asthmatic dumbass. I had a weird night.
Sheldon: Mine was great. I’m going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The comic book store.
Howard: It’s amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.
Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?
Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.
Sheldon: Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.
Stuart: Can I help you find anything?
Amy: A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can’t be used as a floatation device.
Stuart: Sorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs.
Raj: Hey, look, the new Warlords of Ka’a expansion pack is out.
Howard: A new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop. It’s like a secret tax on guys who can’t get laid.
Raj: They’re not even trying. Remember the Satanimals pack with the Hellephant? Why, absurd. What was he, a bad elephant who died and went to hell? What could an elephant possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation?
Howard: Wild West and Witches? What kind of loser cares about a showdown between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North?
Raj: A total loser. Obviously a guy with a six-sh**t beats an old man with a magic wand.
Leonard: Well, ho-hold on. What if the wizard casts a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid’s cowboy hat?
Howard: What? Please! This is Billy the Kid we’re talking about. I mean, the wizard would get sh*t between the eyes before he could ever get out the words, what the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka’a?
Stuart: Leonard, what’s the deal with Sheldon’s friend Amy? Are they a couple?
Leonard: Couple of weirdos. Why?
Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, I mean, she didn’t look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman. Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out?
Leonard: Sure. I guess.
Raj: Stuart, settle an argument for us. Who would win, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: If I tell you that, I’m robbing you of the hours of fun you could have for the magical, rootin’ tootin’ low price of $24.95.
Raj: I’ll take one.
Howard: Mmm, make it two.
Leonard: I hate all of you and myself. Three.
Stuart: I’ll ring it up. Like sh**ting nerds in a barrel.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.
Leonard: Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy.
Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?
Leonard: No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.
Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.
Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.
Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
Leonard: All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.
Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.
Leonard: I am not washed-up.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Well, ladies, we k*lled the bottle.
Amy: I had half a glass.
Bernadette: I didn’t have any.
Penny: Okay, don’t judge me. So, what do you want to do, go to the movies, go dancing, lay down for a little bit?
Amy: Or we play Travel Twister.
Bernadette: Amy, really? Twister?
Amy: Excuse me. I’ve passed many an enjoyable evening playing this game. And I’m sure it’s a lot more exciting when you play with other people. What do you say, bestie? We can do shirts and skins. I’m shirts. Called it.
Bernadette: I’m too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
Penny: Hey, you know, my mom smoked pot when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out just fine. Hey, look, I have peach schnapps. Thank God.
Amy (reading a text on her phone): Guys, something happened.
Penny: What’s wrong?
Amy: I think a boy likes me.
Bernadette (reading): Hi. It’s Stuart. We met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee sometime. It’s okay if you say no. It might be the kick in the pants I need to start taking Zoloft.
Penny: Amy, little vixen. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
Bernadette: What are you going to do? Doesn’t he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: Oh, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she has a Sheldon. So do you like Stuart?
Amy: I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That’s kind of hot.
Penny: Okay, look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon, but you’ve been with him over a year now. If it’s not going anywhere, what does it hurt to look around?
Bernadette: Well, yeah, I guess they’re not engaged like me and Howie.
Penny: Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?
Speccy Guy Behind Counter (sniggering): Out.
Sheldon: Who are you?
Speccy Guy: I’m Dale. He left me in charge.
Leonard: Really?
Dale: Yeah. I don’t get it, either.
Leonard: I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka’a expansion pack.
Dale: Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard.
Leonard: Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?
Dale: I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl.
Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?
Dale: I’m okay, too!
Scene: The apartment. They are playing Warlords of Ka’a.
Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock.
Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Comanches.
Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.
Howard: We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous.
Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Very.
Raj: Incredibly so.
Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Very.
Raj: Incredibly so.
Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s just play.
Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.
Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?
Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?
Howard: Sorry. Creepy Tepee.
Raj: Annie Ogly.
Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.
Sheldon: And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)
Leonard: It’s you.
Howard: You are.
Raj: Totally you.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Hey, guys, check it out. The deluxe limited edition Wild West and Witches expansion pack in the signed and numbered collector’s tin.
Leonard: Oh come on, no! We just bought the regular pack.
Howard: Ooh, a sheriff’s badge.
Raj: Yeah, it’s also a wand.
Leonard: With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this?
Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything.
Leonard: You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?
Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.
Raj: Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.
Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?
Raj: You’re so full of it.
Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.
Raj: You unfriended me? Seriously?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.
Leonard: Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?
Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard: Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.
Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: That’s all of us. Can I use the laptop?
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: I have to buy that stupid collector’s tin.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Sheldon knocks three times.
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)
Penny (off): Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Penny: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.
Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?
Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Sheldon: I believe I do.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: I’m the guy.
Penny: You’re not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
Scene: A cinema.
Stuart: If you’re bored, you can go. I understand.
Amy: No, I’m having a nice time.
Stuart: Don’t patronize me.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.
Stuart: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word.
Amy: I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
Stuart: Um, again…
Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I’m listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You’re being impossible.
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.
Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment.
Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice.
Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you’re welcome.
Sheldon (inside): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Let’s wrap things up out there.
Amy: Um, good night, Stuart.
Stuart: Good night.
Sheldon (inside): Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.
Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.
Amy: What’s that?
Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.
Amy: It’s so romantic.
Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.
Amy: Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu sh*ts. Seems a bit restrictive.
Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. The girls are playing twister.
Amy: Penny, I said right hand red.
Penny (picking up wine): Yeah, I heard you. I got red.
Amy: Bernadette, left foot yellow.
Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.
Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should’ve gotten a lawyer.
Bernadette: Looks like it’s just us playing. (Penny snores) Penny? (Penny snores louder) Penny, we’re out of wine!
Penny (waking, bleary): You should probably drive. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny (entering): Hi. Did Sheldon change the Wi-Fi password again?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s “Penny already eats our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi.” No spaces.
Penny: Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?
Sheldon: I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.
Leonard: You want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon: Oh. I thought it was a game.
Penny: What’s yours?
Leonard: There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks.
Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard: Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon: And that’s how it’s done.
Penny: What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?
Leonard: No, that was a different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
Leonard: No, that was a different, different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
Leonard: No, but, actually, that was this guy’s sister.
Penny: All right, well, what do you think he wants?
Leonard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.
Leonard: I told you. That was a different guy.
Penny: Hmm. That’s too bad. We could have spent New Year’s Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: It’s two a.m. What are you doing up?
Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.
Leonard: Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.
Sheldon: Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?
Leonard: I didn’t have clams.
Sheldon: I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.
Leonard: It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.
Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?
Leonard: You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I’m gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have sex with my mother, and yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself.”
Sheldon: Oh, now Perlmutter’s shaking the King’s hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Bernadette: I love this dress. How come I never see you wear it?
Penny: ‘Cause when I wear it, it’s a shirt. So, what’s Howard doing tonight?
Bernadette: Oh, they all went with Leonard to confront his childhood bully.
Penny: Oh, terrific. High school quarterback against four mathletes.
Amy: When Leonard gets back, I’d love to check his serotonin levels. Do you think he’d let me draw a syringe full of his blood?
Penny: Hmm, he’s not crazy about needles, but if you get him to go jogging, it’ll just pour out of his nose.
Bernadette: I don’t think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me. Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class, she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker.
Penny: Oh, that’s awful.
Bernadette: Worst part was, it was too big.
Amy: That’s nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.
Penny: Wow. You poor thing.
Bernadette: What about you?
Penny: Oh. I don’t know. I guess my school was a nice place. We didn’t really have bullies.
Amy: Come on, no one ever gave anyone mean nicknames or picked on them or put gum in their hairy knuckles so the school nurse had to use peanut butter to get it out?
Penny: No, we weren’t really like that. I mean, look, we played pranks on each other, but it was never mean. Like, okay, this one girl, Kathy Geiger, got really good grades, so we blindfolded her, tied her up and left her in a cornfield overnight.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, that’s awful.
Penny: No, it was funny. Everyone laughed.
Amy: Did Kathy Geiger laugh?
Penny: Uh, probably. It’s hard to say. She kind of had an ear of corn in her mouth.
Amy: Who would have thought Fuzzy Fingers Fowler is best friends with a bully?
Penny: What? I was not a bully.
Bernadette: Kind of sounds like you were. And maybe a felon.
Amy: Shh. That’s how you wind up in a cornfield.
Scene: A bar.
Raj: Is that him over there?
Leonard: No.
Raj: How about that guy? He looks like he’d hate you.
Leonard: You know, I can really do this by myself.
Howard: Hey, we’re here to support you, buddy.
Leonard: No, you’re not. You’re here to see if I get my underwear pulled over my head.
Howard: You wore underwear? You fool.
Raj: So, have you figured out what you’re going to say to him?
Leonard: You bet. I am going to make him apologize for all the crap he pulled on me in school.
Howard: That’s quite a list. I can’t read your handwriting, what’s that word?
Leonard: Scrotum.
Raj: What’s that one?
Leonard: Uh, stapled.
Jimmy (arriving): Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Jimmy: Holy crap, man, it’s good to see you.
Leonard: Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.
Jimmy: Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you’re a big-time scientist now.
Sheldon: And there’s the first zinger. Ouch.
Leonard: I’m doing okay, I guess.
Jimmy: Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal.
Leonard: The Newcomb medal.
Jimmy: Yeah, congratulations.
Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Jimmy: From what I read, it sounded like a big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?
Raj: Hey, I won a Newcomb medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.
Jimmy: You should have seen this guy back in the day. Huh? He was so little, he could fit in just about anywhere. Lockers, trash cans. Oh, man, how did you get inside that backpack?
Leonard: Oh, I can’t take all the credit. You helped a lot.
Jimmy: Yeah. We were practically a comedy team.
Howard: Like the Black Death and Europe.
Leonard: Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.
Jimmy: Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.
Sheldon: Technically, Howard’s the gear head. Leonard’s just a dime store laser jockey.
Leonard: What’s the idea?
Jimmy: This is just between us, right?
Leonard: Right.
Jimmy: Okay. What do you think about a pair of glasses that makes any movie you want into 3D?
Raj: That sounds amazing. First movie I’m watching, Annie.
Howard: How exactly would these glasses work?
Jimmy: How the hell should I know? That’s why I need a nerd.
Leonard: I don’t think something like that’s even possible.
Jimmy: Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known.
Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.
Leonard: Sheldon, I got this.
Sheldon: You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.
Jimmy: I don’t understand.
Leonard: I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.
Sheldon: A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples.
Raj: That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.
Jimmy: What is that?
Sheldon: This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.
Leonard: 14 is not, oh , yeah, never mind.
Jimmy: What’s this word?
Leonard: Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years.
Sheldon: You really need to work on your penmanship.
Jimmy: Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.
Leonard: It wasn’t fun for me.
Sheldon: You’re being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him.
Leonard: Come on, guys.
Raj: That was pretty badass, dude.
Sheldon: I help the weak. It’s yet another way I’m exactly like Batman.
Leonard: Hey, for the record, Jimmy wasn’t the reason I wet the bed. That one has my mother written all over it.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Penny is on the phone.
Penny: Anyway, I’m really sorry I made fun of your stutter in high school.
Bernadette: You’re doing great.
Penny: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, God, just finish the sentence. Okay, well, I’m sorry you feel that way. Bye. No one wants to hear my apologies.
Amy: I think your mistake is doing it over the phone. If they could look into your eyes, they’d melt.
Bernadette: Penny, it doesn’t matter what you did in the past. You’re a good person now.
Penny: That’s easy for you to say. You weren’t just called a b-b-b-b-bitch.
Amy: Perhaps you could assuage your guilt through altruism. Which word’s tripping you up? Assuage or altruism?
Penny: Both.
Bernadette: You’ll feel better by doing something nice for someone.
Penny: I actually knew that.
Amy: I never doubted you.
Bernadette: Every other week I serve at a soup kitchen downtown.
Penny: Ooh, I can’t do that. If I stand over a steaming pot, my hair just goes boing! What else could I do?
Amy: There’s Habitat for Humanity, building houses for the poor.
Penny: Okay, come on, I don’t even have my own house, I’m going to build one for someone else?
Amy: How about donating some of your clothes?
Penny: Oh, my God, that’s perfect. ‘Cause I have so many clothes I don’t wear, and they’re just taking up space, and I go shopping to buy more stuff and I have no place to put it. This will totally fix that.
Bernadette: What about helping people?
Penny: And helping people.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here’s your cocoa.
Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?
Leonard: You got one for good luck. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.
Sheldon: One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.
Jimmy: Hey.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Jimmy: I want to apologize for stapling your balls and throwing you naked in the girls’ locker room, stuffing that parrot down your pants. What’s this word?
Leonard: Laxative.
Jimmy: Oh, right. Junior prom. That was not cool, man. I am so, so sorry.
Leonard: Really?
Jimmy: Yeah. I just hope you can forgive me.
Leonard: Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess.
Jimmy: You’re a beautiful guy.
Leonard: Well, yeah, thanks, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Okay, I got to go.
Leonard: Are you okay to drive?
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention.
Leonard: No, no, no, come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee.
Jimmy: I wouldn’t be imposing?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Sheldon, we can’t let him drive.
Sheldon: Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.
Leonard: You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.
Jimmy: Not really, no. It’s funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we’re reversed. You’re the winner.
Sheldon: You’d think a winner could make a decent cup of cocoa.
Jimmy: You mind if I use your bathroom?
Leonard: Yeah, just back there.
Howard: How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.
Leonard: Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.
Sheldon: You know what would be nice?
Raj: What’s that?
Sheldon: As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who’ve tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he’s asleep we k*ll him. I said it would be nice, I didn’t say we should do it.
Scene: The clothing bank.
Penny: Ah, I feel just like Mother Teresa. Except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Bernadette: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
Penny: Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn’t down five flights of stairs. You know, giving really is better than receiving. I used to think it was such a cliche, but it seems to be the… oh, look at these cute jeans someone just threw away.
Bernadette: Donated.
Penny: Yes, to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut.
Bernadette: Penny.
Penny: Come on, they would be so cute on me, and, ah, they go great with this sweater!
Amy: I don’t think Mother Teresa… Oh, that is adorable.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.
Leonard: What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off.
Sheldon: You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out.
Jimmy (belching): When did I have tacos?
Leonard: Morning, Jimmy.
Sheldon: Oh, there it is, tacos.
Jimmy: Man, I tied one on.
Leonard: Yeah, you did. So, uh, listen, it was great to see you again. And , and, and thanks for the apology.
Jimmy: What apology?
Leonard: For all the crappy stuff you did to me in high school.
Jimmy: Geez, you’re still harping on that? What a puss.
Leonard: That’s my French toast.
Jimmy: It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy.
Sheldon: I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have k*lled him.
Leonard: I might k*ll him right now.
Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back.
Leonard: Okay, Jimmy, it’s time for you to go.
Jimmy: Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.
Leonard: No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now.
Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.
Jimmy: Or what?
Sheldon: Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience.
Leonard: I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.
Scene: Running down the stairwell.
Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.
Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
Sheldon: I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.
Scene: The clothes bank.
Bernadette: I don’t feel good about this.
Penny: Then sit in the car and keep it running.
Amy: You were right, a whole new load.
Penny: Come on, yoga top. Mama needs a new yoga top.
Amy: Check it out, Bernadette, suede boots, your size.
Bernadette: God, they’re cute. Oh, why did they have to be cute?
Penny: Wait, wait, wait, guys, just hang on.
Amy: What is it, the fuzz?
Penny: Look at us. What are we doing?
Amy: I was gleefully following you to a life of crime, looking forward to the day we might be cell mates. I don’t know about Bernadette.
Penny: You know, this is wrong. Let’s put everything back. Here.
Bernadette (taking boots and running): It’s okay, I serve soup to poor people! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x11 - The Speckerman Recurrence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Completely empty box. If you’d like to examine it?
Leonard: Mm-hmm. Yep. I see nothing in this box but a wasted childhood.
Howard: Little snarky there, cello lessons. And we have this completely ordinary cylinder. If you’d like to examine it?
Raj: Ordinary, yet I sense it is dripping with magical potential.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.
Leonard: Sheldon, he’s just practising for his cousin’s birthday party.
Howard: As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)
Raj: I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.
Sheldon: This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?
Howard: How is this lying?
Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.
Raj: Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?
Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.
Leonard: Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.
Howard: Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear!
Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out)
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
Leonard: Next time, you should open with that.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy.
Sheldon: And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory?
Penny: So, are we celebrating anything special tonight?
Amy: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.
Penny: That is so hot.
Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?
Amy: How was your day?
Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.
Amy: Sounds like you h*t the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron.
Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just h*t 100 Twitter followers.
Amy: That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time.
Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.
Amy: Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field.
Sheldon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here.
Penny: So, are we ready to order?
Amy: Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up.
Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.
Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.
Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.
Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.
Penny: Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by.
Sheldon: What if they simply don’t excite me?
Penny: Well, just smile and think about koalas.
Sheldon: She’d see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it’s this.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Bernadette: Oh, you have a lot of magic stuff.
Howard: Yeah. I started when I was a teenager. I thought I could show a girl a few tricks and invite her up to my bedroom to see the rest of the act.
Bernadette: Did it work?
Howard: Ah, let’s just say the only wand that ever saw any action was this one. Oh, look what my mom made us for the act.
Bernadette: Ooh. I like the fabric. Where’d she get it?
Howard: Well, she cut up one of her old bathing suits. She made these two vests and half a dozen napkins.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Has she tried on the vest yet?
Howard: I just gave it to her!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): I hope it fits, she has a tricky figure! She’s short and stacked, like me!
Howard: She’s not stacked like you, Ma! She never steps on hers!
Bernadette: Listen, Howie, maybe I’m not the best choice to be a magician’s assistant.
Howard: You’ll do fine. Hand me those rings? See? You nailed it.
Bernadette: You know, i-it’s just that I’m not that comfortable with little kids.
Howard: Well, that’s because you haven’t been around them much. This is good practice. I mean, you are gonna be a mom someday, right?
Bernadette: Mmm, yeah, sure.
Howard: Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live… Don’t look in there.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Oh, a little Red d*ad Redemption, huh?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around.
Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.
Leonard: Some people go outside and do that.
Sheldon: It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.
Leonard: You want to talk about it?
Sheldon: No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard: You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on?
Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.
Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight?
Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard: No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women.
Sheldon: I’ll say.
Leonard: That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.
Leonard: Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change.
Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got?
Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something.
Sheldon: How does that work?
Leonard: Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.
Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.
Leonard: Glad I could help.
Sheldon: It’s appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I’ll be glad to return the favour.
Scene: The birthday party.
Howard: And now, all the rings are magically linked together. My fiancee’s wearing a magic ring, too. It made all my money disappear.
Bernadette: Oh, ah, right. (Bangs drum and cymbal) And now, the great Howdini’s next miraculous illusion.
Child: When are we gonna have cake?
Bernadette: After you’ve been thoroughly amazed.
Child: But we want cake now.
Bernadette: Well, you’re not getting cake right now, capisce?
Howard: Okay. Okay. Now, my lovely assistant is going to bring me an ordinary pitcher of milk.
Second child: I know how you do that trick.
Bernadette: Do you know how to pipe down?
Howard: Okay, we’re going to roll up this newspaper.
Second child: It’s a fake pitcher.
Bernadette: You got wax in your ears? The man said it’s an ordinary pitcher. Howdini.
Howard: Okay, we’re going to stick this in here (puts newspaper into trouser waistband) and then I’m going to pour in the milk. I hope this works, because I didn’t bring a change of pants.
Second child: Look, I Googled it. It’s a fake pitcher.
Bernadette: That’s it. No cake for you. Anyone else want to join the No Cake Club?
Howard: She’s just kidding, boys and girls. Everyone gets cake.
Bernadette: Not him.
Howard: Just give me the pitcher. Behold! Wrong pitcher.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: I told you I’m not good with kids.
Howard: Yes, you did. Oh, I think my crotch is starting to curdle.
Bernadette: The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Bernadette: Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don’t want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn’t the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let’s see how you like this waffle!
Howard: All right, settle down. Red light. Red light, red light! Okay, we’re fine.
Bernadette: I’m sorry. I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just don’t like children.
Howard: Yeah, no, we all got that. But don’t you think it’ll be different when the child is ours?
Bernadette: Right, when it’s our kid that’s ruined my body and kept me up all night and I’ve got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years, sure, that’ll be completely different.
Howard: Well, yeah.
Scene: A jewellery store.
Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch.
Penny: Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch.
Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
Penny: Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets?
Sheldon: Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?
Assistant: Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?
Penny: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.
Penny: Fine, go ahead.
Sheldon: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.
Assistant: My apologies. How can I help you today?
Penny: He’s in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present.
Assistant: Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC.
Penny: Ooh, are these real diamonds?
Assistant: Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight.
Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on f*re. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.
Assistant: Actually, that’s only 750. Everything’s on sale.
Sheldon: Really. Talk to me about that pocket watch.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Donkey Kong Jenga.
Howard: I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. I always thought I’d be a dad someday.
Raj: Oh, me, too. You’re so caring. I’ve often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood.
Leonard: There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj’ll have your babies, problem solved.
Raj: Hey, just because a man shows caring for another man doesn’t mean he’s displaying the love that dare not speak its name. Did she definitely say she didn’t want kids?
Howard: Yeah, she doesn’t like them. And from what I saw, the feeling was mutual.
Leonard: What are you gonna do?
Howard: I don’t know. I can’t see a life where I don’t have kids. I mean, people have kids. I mean, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr. So he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses and throw barrels at Italian plumbers.
Leonard: You know, there’s no guarantee even if you have kids that you’re going to like them.
Raj: Wow, that’s rough. Where’d you get that?
Leonard: It’s right off the dust jacket of my mom’s last book.
Howard: Maybe me and Bernadette aren’t right for each other.
Leonard: Look, Howard, I’d say there’s a lot of fish in the sea, but I watched you dangle your hook in the water for years. Do not throw her back.
Howard: I don’t want to, but this is kind of a deal breaker.
Raj: What’s your mom going to say if you call off the wedding?
Howard: Huh, it’ll k*ll her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll k*ll her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?
Penny: Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?
Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?
Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.
Amy: Hey.
Penny: Hi.
Amy: What’s he doing here?
Penny: Okay, he wants to talk to you.
Amy: Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.
Penny: Sheldon, you’re up.
Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.
Amy: We both know that’s your koala face.
Sheldon: I told you.
Penny: Okay, look, he bought you this.
Amy: Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It’s a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me.
Penny: You look beautiful.
Amy: Of course I do, I’m a princess, and this is my tiara!
Sheldon: You’re right, the tiara was too much.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard! Bernadette’s… Oh, she slipped right by me.
Bernadette: Here’s your vest back.
Howard: You should keep it. You could wear it again sometime.
Bernadette: Where?
Howard: I don’t know, hunting?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t forget to talk to her about this mishegas where I don’t get grandkids!
Howard: Don’t worry, Ma. I will, as soon as I can figure out a way to bring up such a sensitive issue!
Bernadette: I guess you talked to your mom, huh?
Howard: I was upset. My mom can be a pretty good shoulder to cry on, if the smell of Bengay doesn’t burn your eyes.
Bernadette: Look, it’s obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard: Really? That’s great. What?
Bernadette: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I work and you stay home with the kids?
Howard: Me?
Bernadette: Yeah. You know, you’ll watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I’ll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yay, so we’re good.
Howard: Yeah, we’re good.
Bernadette: You know, I don’t know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up sex?
Howard: I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?
Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?
Leonard: Okay, let’s talk about that.
Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.
Leonard: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.
Leonard (seeing Penny’s door open and the girls inside): Excuse me.
Sheldon: Permission granted, Commander.
Amy: Which is why the more intelligent the monkey, the more faeces they fling.
Leonard: Excuse me, Amy. Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why, you guys going somewhere?
Leonard: No, I mean just you and me.
Penny: You mean, like a date?
Leonard: Not like a date, a date.
Amy: Ooh!
Bernadette: Ooh!
Penny: Um, o-okay. Sure.
Amy: Ooh!
Bernadette: Ooh!
Sheldon: Oh, no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Bernadette: This is so exciting. If Leonard and Penny get back together, Howard and I can go on double dates with them.
Amy: How come you never invite Sheldon and me on a double date?
Bernadette: Mm, uh… How’s it going in there, Penny?
Penny: Just a sec. (Emerges in revealing slinky green dress) Too much?
Bernadette: Yes.
Amy: No.
Penny: Okay, just hang on.
Amy: You just can’t handle her raw sexuality, can you?
Bernadette: When did you and Leonard break up?
Penny: Uh, about two years ago.
Bernadette: Why do you think he asked you out again?
Penny: I don’t know.
Amy: Maybe he’s dying. That would be so romantic.
Penny: He’s not dying.
Amy: Too bad. If he were, she could just throw him in bed and ride him right up until he flatlines.
Penny: How about this?
Bernadette: Maybe.
Amy: Come on.
Penny: Yeah, okay, no.
Bernadette: Do you think you’ll sleep with him tonight?
Penny: Absolutely not. Look, we’re just gonna have dinner and, you know, see how it goes.
Amy: If he were dying, would you sleep with him?
Penny: What?
Amy: Assuming he were dying of something that couldn’t be sexually transmitted. You know, like a spear wound to the head.
Penny: Okay, he is not dying.
Amy: How do you know? Are you a doctor?
Bernadette: You can make-believe, though. Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up and I’m a sexy cardiologist. And the naughty part is I’m not in his HMO network.
Penny: Screw it. I’m not gonna make a big deal out of this. It’s just dinner.
Amy: With a d*ad man.
Penny: Amy, stop it. Oh, God, I’m so nervous.
Bernadette: Relax. You know Leonard’s always been crazy about you. It’s gonna be great.
Penny: I know, but we’ve finally gotten to a place where we can hang out without it being weird. And what if something goes wrong? Then what?
Amy: Guess it’ll just be Sheldon and me going on a double date with Howard and Bernadette.
Bernadette: Sure, we’d love that. Change your clothes, we got a lot riding on this.
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game.
Sheldon: Mm. I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood? (Raj and Howard snigger) I don’t understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now, I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
Leonard: Okay, how do I look?
Howard: Well, more to the point, why are you doing this?
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Raj: Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down.
Leonard: I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.
Raj: I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement.
Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard: Oh, boy, do I?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon: It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.
Leonard: That doesn’t make it true.
Sheldon: It’s called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.
Leonard: See you later.
Raj: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard’s mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Because she’s great in everything.
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: So, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that’s a good question. How about awkward?
Leonard: Yeah, that sounds right.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Hey, how about if we pretend we’re actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It’s Penny.
Leonard: Oh, sorry, yeah. Awkward.
Penny: Okay, uh, let’s see. I’m from Nebraska, and ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I’ve done a haemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true. Your turn.
Leonard: Uh, let’s see. Uh, I am an experimental physicist at Cal-Tech, most of my research is with high-powered lasers, and, oh, I’ve just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic m*ssile.
Penny: Wow. Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God, no. The money’s pretty good. And I used the equipment to make my own Bat-signal.
Penny: Bat-signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not some kind of nerd, I am the king of the nerds.
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means if anyone displeases me, I don’t help them set up their printer.
Penny: You are so funny.
Leonard: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.
Penny: Leonard, this is nice. I’m so glad we did this.
Leonard: Me, too. So what do you think? Are we gonna get back together?
Penny: Whoa. Not so fast.
Leonard: I’m sorry, what did I say?
Penny: Leonard, you know I will always have feelings for you.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Penny: What?
Leonard: You said always. You’ll always have feelings for me.
Penny: So?
Leonard: So, that sounds more like something you’d say if you didn’t want a relationship with someone. This isn’t working out, but I’ll always have feelings for you. I’m sorry I slept with your best friend, but I’ll always have feelings for you. Here’s the thing, Lisa, I’m into dudes now, but I’ll always have feelings for you.
Penny: How would you say it?
Leonard: I have feelings for you.
Penny: It’s the same thing.
Leonard: No, it’s not. Always made it worse.
Penny: You’re overthinking this.
Leonard: No, I’m not.
Penny: Yes, you are. You always overthink things.
Leonard: Ah now th-th-there you go. Always made it worse.
Penny: See, this is where everything goes wrong, when we talk.
Leonard: Well, I don’t know how you have a relationship without talking.
Penny: Hey, I went out with this guy TJ for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don’t even know what TJ stands for.
Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn’t talk, what did you… never mind, stupid question.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: And now that I have some wood, I’m going to begin the erection of my settlement.
Raj: He’s got to be doing this on purpose.
Howard (as Leonard enters): Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard: You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.
Raj: I guess it didn’t go well.
Sheldon: We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
Howard (as Leonard groans loudly in his room): How about now?
Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being m*rder. Now, back to our game.
Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. It’s right here in my hand.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard’s phone text signal sounds.
Leonard: What does she want from me now? (Goes to front door, where Penny is waiting) What’s up?
Penny: Do not overthink this. (Kisses him, then leads him to her apartment.)
Leonard: I don’t understand.
Penny: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Leonard: Okay, but earlier it seemed like…
Penny: No talking.
Leonard: Even during? ‘Cause sometimes I have questions.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom. They are in bed.
Penny: Well, that was fun.
Leonard: Yeah, except for when I got the foot cramp.
Penny: You hung in there, though.
Leonard: Well, there was a lot at stake.
Penny: So what do you want to do now?
Leonard: Well, I want to go get my asthma inhaler, but it might ruin the moment. Just, just help me out here. How does a miserable date end in sex?
Penny: I don’t know, it’s complicated.
Leonard: Well, I’m a pretty smart guy, and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply, so give it a go.
Penny: Okay, it’s just, at the restaurant when you said you wanted us to be together again, it got very real very fast and I panicked.
Leonard: Why? What are you afraid of?
Penny: Well, what if we do go out and I do something stupid and dump you again?
Leonard: What if I dump you?
Penny: Come on, be serious.
Leonard: Well, how about if we don’t think about this as a relationship? It could be more like a new version of software. Penny and Leonard 2.0. We can test it internally, shake out the bugs, and if we both feel it’s solid, then we’ll roll it out to the public.
Penny: So we don’t tell people we’re back together?
Leonard: Exactly. We pretend like our date went badly.
Penny: Well, we don’t really have to pretend.
Leonard: And we let them think that we decided to just be friends and that everything’s cool.
Penny: Okay, great. Hey, I just remembered. I still got one of your inhalers.
Leonard: I can’t believe you kept this.
Penny: Yeah, I was gonna throw it away, but I just couldn’t.
Leonard: That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is sneaking back in.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, hi, hi. How’s it going?
Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?
Leonard: Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up?
Sheldon: I was using the bathroom.
Leonard: Yeah, well, so was I.
Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you in there.
Leonard: Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one.
Sheldon: Where?
Leonard: The, the gas station across the street.
Sheldon: In your pyjamas?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Without shoes?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: On a cold winter’s night?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?
Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did.
Sheldon: Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.
Leonard: I don’t want beef jerky.
Sheldon: It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.
Bernadette: I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.
Amy: Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship.
Sheldon: You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: We are next to a Suburu with a Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker.
Sheldon: Well, I doubt they’d want to talk about that, so we’re fine.
Howard: I’m surprised to see you here after it went so badly with Penny.
Leonard: Well, hey, we’re grown-ups. We can still be friends.
Bernadette: Boy, I don’t know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard: Why not?
Bernadette: I’m a very vengeful person.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: With access to w*apon smallpox.
Penny: Here you go, guys, let me get you going with some water. You need menus or you know what you want?
Howard: Leonard knows what he wants, but it looks like he’s not gonna get it from you.
Bernadette: Howard.
Penny: No, that’s okay, Bernadette. Sometimes these things just don’t work out.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s all good. We-We’ll always have feelings for each other.
Bernadette: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: See, she knew what always meant.
Penny: Wow, you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you?
Leonard: I’m just making a point.
Penny: Is the point that you don’t know when to let something go?
Sheldon: People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order.
Penny: Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.
Leonard: Oh, that is not true.
Sheldon: I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.
Penny: You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.
Leonard: Well…
Sheldon: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again, off-again relationship with her, because I am very, very hungry.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Text signal.
Leonard: Unbelievable. (Goes to door)
Penny: Mind explaining to me why you were being such a jerk at the restaurant?
Leonard: Well, I was trying to act like we weren’t seeing each other. That was the plan, right?
Penny: No, the plan was to tell people we decided to stay friends. That’s a little hard to do when you’re always being such a tool bag.
Leonard: You know what? I don’t have to stand here and take this crap. (Goes to Penny’s apartment.)
Penny: The hell do you think you’re going?
Leonard: Isn’t sex after fighting kind of what we do now?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, yeah.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Leonard: What are we doing?
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: Every scenario I play out for you and me ends badly.
Penny: That’s because you overthink everything.
Sheldon’s voice: Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.)
Leonard: What? Yeah.
Sheldon: This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?
Leonard: I don’t know, he was pretty badass on Heroes.
Sheldon: You’re right, I’ll give him a sh*t.
Leonard: Hang on. Penny, do you have plans for dinner?
Penny: Why, you guys going somewhere?
Leonard: No, I mean just you and me.
Amy: Ooh!
Bernadette: Ooh!
Penny: Uh, have you thought this through?
Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.
Sheldon: No, can’t do it. Sorry, Quinto, you’re going back.
Scene: Penny’s bedroom.
Amy: If you and Leonard get back together, Sheldon and I will finally have someone to go on double dates with.
Bernadette: What about me and Howard?
Amy: Fine, we can double with you, too. So insecure.
Bernadette: Where are you guys going to eat?
Amy: Penny?
(In her imagination, Penny is transported to her wedding day.)
Minister: Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawful wedded husband?
Penny (turning, heavily pregnant): Well, it’s a little late for me to start saying no, isn’t it?
(Back in the bedroom)
Amy: Penny?
Penny: Sorry, just remembered I’ve got to stop by the drugstore. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x13 - The Recombination Hypothesis"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a video.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy: Hang on, Dr. C. What’s vexillology?
Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.
Amy: Cool. I think I just learned something.
Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?
Amy: I’ll say.
Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.
Amy: Sweet!
Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?
Amy: I’m surrendering to fun.
Sheldon: Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ‘em, you gotta know how to fold ‘em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…
Leonard: Excuse me, sorry, excuse me.
Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?
Leonard: Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here.
Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!
Amy: You okay?
Sheldon: No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy: Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology?
Sheldon: Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?
Amy: It’s Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers.
Sheldon: Confound it! You’re right, it’s brilliant. Let’s take it from the top.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I’m glad you asked me out again.
Leonard: Me, too, I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you just don’t miss the sex?
Leonard: Well, yeah, sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have. You are not wrong. I just think if we’re gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.
Leonard: Oh, I can take it slow. Did I ever tell you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day she doesn’t know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.
Penny: Okay, well, maybe not that slow.
Leonard: How about this, are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?
Penny: You know, just for fun, let’s say I’m not.
Leonard: Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. W-We could do that. And if we h*t a rough spot, instead of getting mad, just say, hey, we found a bug, and we report it so it can be fixed.
Penny: You mean like a beta test?
Leonard: Well, technically, this would be an alpha test. A beta test requires people that weren’t involved in the development of the appli…
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing beta test?
Leonard: No, you should. Absolutely. That was me being pedantic. That’s our first bug. You reported it. I can fix that. See? This is good.
Penny: All right. Let’s give it a sh*t.
Leonard: Great. You keep a list, I’ll keep a list. At some point, we’ll exchange.
Penny: Okay. Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back.
Sheldon: Cut! Take 47.
Scene: Sheldon and Raj’s office.
Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about flags.
Raj: I will take that action.
Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn’t discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism.
Howard: Let’s see the new phone.
Raj: I stopped on the way to work. Hey, do you want to peel the plastic off with me?
Howard: Really? Me? That’s, like, the best part.
Raj: Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.
Howard: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself.
Howard: Oh, let me try the voice recognition.
Raj: Hey, I let you peel the plastic, don’t get greedy. (To phone) Hello?
Phone: Hello.
Raj: What’s your name?
Phone: My name is Siri.
Howard: Look at that. There’s finally a woman in your life you can talk to.
Raj: Are you single?
Siri: I don’t have a marital status, if that’s what you’re asking.
Raj: Yeah, you’re right, that’s too personal. We hardly know each other. How about a cup of coffee?
Siri: I’ve found six coffee shops. Three of them are fairly close to you.
Raj: I will see you gentlemen later.
Howard: She is gonna break his heart.
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.
Sheldon: Careful, it’s that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year’s Who Con.
Penny: Uh, we’re not counting this as a date, are we?
Leonard: Um, I’m not sure, but I think the right answer here is no.
Penny: Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV.
Leonard: Even Doctor Who?
Penny: Even Doctor Who.
Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Who Con, you’re out.
Leonard: Okay, bug report taken. Next time I will have a better plan for our evening’s activity.
Penny: Well, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, wait, here, almost forgot. Here.
Penny: What’s this?
Leonard: My bug report to you.
Penny: Well, that’s quite a list you got there.
Leonard: It’s colour coded.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Uh, red means fix right away. Yellow is eh, whenever you get a chance. And green is I could probably learn to live with it. There’s a key down here at the bottom. It’s neat, huh?
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: So, have a good night.
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.
Amy: What’s baffling me is what you could’ve possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it?
Sheldon: How about constantly talks with food in her mouth?
Amy: Her heart’s full of love, no one cares what’s in her mouth.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: So, Siri, what’s happening? How are you?
Siri: I am well.
Raj: What are you doing right now?
Siri: What am I doing? I’m talking with you.
Raj: You have a beautiful voice.
Siri: Thank you, it’s nice to be appreciated.
Raj: I bet it is. Why don’t women like me?
Siri: Let me check on that. How about a Web search for why don’t women like me?”
Raj: No need. I’ve already done that. Siri, do you have a last name?
Siri: My name is Siri.
Raj: Ah, one name. Like, uh, Cher, Madonna, Adele. All the women who rock me. My name is Rajesh, but you can call me Raj.
Siri: Would you like me to call you Raj?
Raj: I’d like you to call me sexy.
Siri: From now on, I’ll call you sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay.
Scene: Sheldon and Raj’s office.
Siri, I’m in the mood for gelato.
Siri: (chimes) I found ten restaurants whose reviews mention gelato. Seven of them are fairly close to you.
Raj: Thank you, darling.
Siri: You are most certainly welcome, sexy.
Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.
Raj: I haven’t bonded with it.
Sheldon: Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me.
Raj: It’s just a phone.
Barry Kripke: Cooper.
Sheldon: Kripke.
Barry: Heads up. Pwofessor Wothman urinated in the particle physics wab again, so we’re going to move up his wetirement party. Fwiday, five o’cwock, pot wuck.
Raj: Thanks, Barry. Siri, remind me Friday morning to make my famous popovers.
Siri: All right, I’ll remind you.
Barry (to his own phone): You got Siwi, huh? Voice wecognition on that thing is tewible. Wook. Siwi, can you wecommend a westauwant?
Barry’s Siri: I’m sorry, Bawwy. I don’t understand wecommend a westauwant.
Barry: Wisten to me. Not westauwant, westauwant.
Barry’s Siri: I don’t know what you mean by not westauwant, westauwant.
Barry: See? Total cwap. You suck, Siwi.
Raj: Hey, don’t talk to her like that. She’s a lady.
Barry: Well, that wady took high-wes pictures of my junk wast night for Cwaigswist. Waiter.
Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Leonard knocks.
Penny: It’s open.
Leonard: Hey. You ready to go?
Penny: Yeah, hang on. Let me just finish this chapter.
Leonard: Can you finish it later?
Penny: No, I can’t. Reading books is a big part of my life now because, you know, we’d have more fun things to talk about if I read more.
Leonard: Great. Good. Great. What are you reading?
Penny: Two Weeks to Rock Hard Abs.
Leonard: They kind of spoil the ending right in the name of that, don’t they? All right. Look, just remember how this works. We don’t get mad about these things. Uh, speaking of which, I’ve addressed your bug report on my date planning. Got a really fun evening for you. It’s kind of a surprise.
Penny: All right. Terrific. Well, let me just go find a pair of shoes that aren’t so tall. We wouldn’t want you to feel like you were out for a walk with your mommy.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Yeah. Oh. Here’s my list for you, right there.
Leonard: All right, fair enough. I certainly can be quieter when we kiss. I thought it was an expression of passion, but if it’s coming across as juicy and weird, who wants that? Uh, uh, I’m sorry, can you be more specific on how my eyebrows are stupid? Nah, never mind, it’s right here.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: Good timing. Dinner’s almost ready.
Howard: Great.
Bernadette: Oh, smells amazing in here.
Howard: Yeah, what are we eating?
Raj: Oh, an exotic little treat. I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which were fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.
Bernadette: Who’s Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette: Oh. Is that cute or creepy?
Howard: Uh-huh.
Raj: Can I pour you some wine? I think you’ll enjoy it. The traditional choice with Peking duck is a Sauvignon Blanc, but Siri suggested an off-dry Riesling. I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to have an argument with her in the middle of Trader Joe’s. Now, what should we put Siri in for dinner? Leopard, sparkles, or to paraphrase Coco Chanel, you can never go wrong with a little black case. Siri, play some smooth jazz.
Siri: Playing smooth jazz.
Raj: Oh, my God, Kenny G? This woman can read me like a book. I can’t believe I bought my soul mate at Glendale Galleria.
Bernadette: I don’t know if I want to stay.
Scene: A sh**ting range.
Penny: This is amazing. How did you even get this idea?
Leonard: I called your dad. I asked him what things you liked to do when you were a kid. This seemed easier than getting a cow out here so you could tip it.
Penny: Okay, you’re kind of really great.
Leonard: You mean for a person whose neck massages feel like an eagle is trying to carry you to its nest?
Penny: Okay, bug report. I just complimented you. You should take it and shut up.
Leonard: Right. Sorry, sorry.
Penny: And stop apologizing all the time.
Leonard: Right. Sorry.
Penny: All right, let’s sh**t stuff. You want me to show you what to do?
Leonard: I play a lot of Grand Theft Auto. I think I know how to handle a gat.
Penny: Wow. You are cute when you get all gangsta. (Kisses him. Leonard accidentally sh**t himself in the foot.)
Scene: The stairwell.
Leonard: So, I’ve got a g*n wound. That’s pretty badass.
Penny: No, you’ve got a Reebok with a g*n wound and an ouchie on your pinkie toe.
Leonard: Hello? They gave me a Band-Aid. Hospitals do not issue Band-Aids unless it is medically necessary. That is the law.
Penny: Well, thank you for a really cool evening.
Leonard: Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room. Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test and see where we stand?
Penny: Things are looking good.
Leonard: So, are we still taking things slow? Because a g*n wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.
Penny: Good night, you.
Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.
Amy: Und ich bin eine pretzel!
Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…
Amy: Mit…
Sheldon: Flags.
Scene: An office suite.
Receptionist: First door on the left.
Raj: Thank you. (Enters a door marked “The Office of Siri” Inside is a red-headed woman sitting at a huge console desk.)
Siri: Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you. (To Raj) Hello, sexy. What can I help you with? If you’d like to make love to me, just tell me. (Raj tries to speak) I’m sorry. I don’t understand.
Raj (waking from a dream): No! | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x14 - The Beta Test Initiation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon enters in a hard hat and high-vis jacket. Sounds a klaxon on his phone.
Leonard: Aaargh. What the hell?
Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.
Leonard: Oh, no, come on!
Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably d*ad.
Leonard: I have to get a lock for my door.
Sheldon: I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.
Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to inv*de California.
Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.
Leonard: Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.
Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?
Leonard: I don’t know, what am I doing?
Sheldon: Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!
Leonard: Aah!
Sheldon: And that’s why we wear hard hats.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: Check it out, press release from NASA.
Raj: Um, Expedition 31 will launch this spring to the International Space Station. Crew members will include Commander Tom ‘Tombo’ Johnson, astronaut Mike ‘Supernova’ Novacelik and Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: This is going right into my synagogue’s newsletter.
Raj: Dude, if you’re going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.
Howard: I don’t get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
Raj: Oh. If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
Howard: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
Raj: Are you not looking at me? I am Brown Dynamite. Why do you put six sugars in your coffee?
Leonard: Because the cafeteria doesn’t offer little packets of methamphetamine.
Howard: Emergency drill night last night, huh?
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Raj: How’d you do?
Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.
Leonard: You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?
Sheldon: You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.
Leonard: Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist?
Sheldon: Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.
Raj: They put you under for a cleaning?
Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.
Leonard: Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist.
Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”
Leonard: You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.
Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody.
Leonard: I don’t care. I’m done.
Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard: I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?
Leonard: Where do I sign?
Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger.
Leonard: There. Done.
Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.
Leonard: I’m gonna go home and take a nap.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette: He’s gonna learn to poop in space.
Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: ‘Sup?
Sheldon: ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
Amy: I saved you a dumpling.
Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.
Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.
Sheldon: You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?
Penny: Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know?
Bernadette: Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?
Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid.
Sheldon: Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?
Raj: Their meatballs are pretty good.
Sheldon: What’s that?
Raj: Nothing, nothing.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today?
Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.
Stuart: Ninth?
Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?
Stuart: Uh, not so good. My shrink just k*lled himself and blamed me in the note.
Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?
Stuart: Yeah.
Sheldon: And your father? Alive?
Stuart: Yes.
Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?
Stuart: I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist?
Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.
Stuart: Sheldon, I’m working. I can’t take you to the dentist. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t want to take you to the dentist.
Sheldon: Can’t help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard “Buzz” Wolowitz?
Howard: You can’t do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
Raj: Buzz Lightyear is not real.
Howard: No, that’s not what I’m talking about.
Raj: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real?
Howard: No.
Raj: Okay, um, how about Crash”? Howard “Crash” Wolowitz.
Howard: Yeah, terrific. The other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a guy named Crash.
Raj: All right, um, how about, oh, how about Rocket Man?
Leonard: That’s not bad, Howard “Rocket Man” Wolowitz.
Howard: Yeah, it’s great, but I told you, I don’t get to pick my nickname. It has to come from the other astronauts.
Raj: Maybe there’s a way to get them to come up with it.
Howard: Like how?
Leonard: Once I tried carrying around a Duncan yo-yo, hoping the other kids would start calling me Duncan.
Howard: Did it work?
Leonard: No, they ended up calling me Sock Mouth. Because they took away my yo-yo and stuffed their socks in my mouth.
Raj: Okay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I’ll call you and they’ll hear it. Plant the seed.
Howard: That’s actually not a terrible plan.
Raj: They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.
Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): ‘Sup?
Sheldon: ‘Sup?
Leonard: Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist?
Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.
Leonard: All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?
Leonard: Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.
Raj: Ooh, Sock Mouth’s got him on the ropes.
Sheldon: I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is watching television. All the power goes off.
Penny (entering): Oh, good, your power’s out, too.
Leonard: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.
Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.
Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.
Leonard: It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon.
Sheldon: And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.
Penny: You know, I got some candles in my apartment.
Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a f*re hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard (pulling out a toy lightsabre): You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go.
Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.
Penny: I’ve got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.
Sheldon: Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: To wine and bubble wrap. And to not having to watch Sheldon demonstrate his reverse osmosis machine that converts urine into drinking water.
Penny: You know, in Girl Scouts, Tammie Dinisha said you could do that with panty hose. Boy, was she wrong. Anyway, you want to make out?
Leonard: I thought because our relationship’s in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow.
Penny: Okay. Do you want to make out slow?
Leonard: I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.
Penny: Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.
Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.
Leonard: Fine, what is it?
Sheldon: I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on f*re.
Leonard: S’mores, huh? Good for you.
Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.
Leonard: No, thanks. I’m good.
Sheldon: Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s’more by myself. And then I’m gonna have s’more. By myself.
Penny: Aw.
Leonard: No, don’t aw him. He brought this all on himself.
Penny: But he’s sad.
Leonard: No, he’s crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it’ll suck you back in.
Penny: I think he misses his little buddy.
Leonard: Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: I thought you said candles were dangerous.
Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on f*re. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.
Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.
Sheldon: What are you proposing?
Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
Sheldon: And how would I do that?
Leonard: You say thank you.
Sheldon: Every time?
Leonard: It’s not crazy.
Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.
Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that.
Sheldon: Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.
Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I sit in your spot?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I control the thermostat?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Do I get a card?
Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day.
Penny: Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.
Leonard: Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.
Penny: Leonard’s Day?
Sheldon: Oh, no pressure. Just get him a crummy card, you’re good.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: All right, test my ring tone. That really is a good song.
Raj: Oh, yeah. There’s a reason he’s Sir Elton John. They don’t make you a knight for writing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, are you coming down for breakfast?
Howard: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA. I said don’t bother me!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh! Listen to Mr. Big sh*t Astronaut.
Howard: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big sh*t Astronaut. Hey, good morning.
NASA Guy (on skype): Hey, Howard, thanks for getting up so early.
Howard: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Dr Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard: Mass. That’s a cool nickname. ‘Cause force equals mass times acceleration.
Mass: Yeah. It’s just short for Massimino. Anyway, the plan for this morning is to go over the…
Howard: Sorry. My phone.
Mass: What is that? Is that Rocket Man?
Howard: Yeah, my ring tone. Kind of my favourite song, Rocket Man.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, your Fruit Loops are getting soggy!
Howard: Not now!
Mass: Who’s that?
Howard: My mom. Sorry.
Howard: No problem, Fruit Loops. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x15 - The Recombination Hypothesis"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard: Five.
Sheldon: Uh-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard: E.
Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj: Gamma.
Sheldon: I said funny.
Raj: Upsilon?
Sheldon: Good one. And an electrical charge.
Leonard: Positive.
Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)
Howard: I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.
Leonard: It’s not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I’m going to wet myself!
Raj: Hey, guys, guys, President Siebert is headed this way.
Howard: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard: Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon.
Seibert: Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: Told ya.
Sheldon: Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.
Seibert: No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere.
Sheldon: You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.
Seibert: Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation.
Sheldon: I don’t need a vacation.
Seibert: You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you.
Sheldon: But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
Seibert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: No. You should go.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard’s car. Leonard is singing enthusiastically.
Leonard: That tonight’s gonna be a good night, and tonight’s gonna be a good night, and tonight’s gonna be a good, good night! Tonight’s the night, uh, uh, let’s live it up, uh, I got my money, let’s spend it up…
Sheldon (appearing in the back seat): Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling!
Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Bleeding from my ears.
Leonard: What are you doing hiding back there?
Sheldon: I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.
Leonard: Lobster traps?
Sheldon: Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.
Leonard: What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.
Sheldon: Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)
Leonard: Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there.
Sheldon: And no more singing.
Leonard: Fine.
Sheldon: I have GPS on my phone. I know you turned around.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: I’m so glad you talked Howard out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.
Bernadette: Turn it over. I’m hoping my relatives think it’s Hebrew.
Amy: This is really happening. I’m gonna be a maid of honour. I’m gonna wear a beautiful dress and walk down that aisle and, finally, I will have my special day.
Bernadette: You mean my special day?
Amy: They’re gonna need an extra-large veil for somebody’s head.
Bernadette: If I ever actually ever get married.
Penny: Why wouldn’t you?
Bernadette: My dad. Because I make a lot more money than Howie, he’s putting a lot of pressure on me to get a pre-nup.
Penny: Ouch.
Bernadette: Yeah. Howie’s gonna freak out.
Amy: Parental pressure can be daunting. I remember the battle with my mother about shaving my legs. Last year, I finally gave in and let her do it.
Bernadette: I just don’t know how I’m gonna break it to him.
Penny: You know, I’m a big believer in breaking bad news to a guy when you’re in bed with him. That’s how I told my high school boyfriend I slept with his brother. That’s how I told his brother the same thing.
Bernadette: I don’t know, I don’t want to manipulate him with sex.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, that’s what sex is for.
Amy: You know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride’s father. For example, you’re adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You would fetch a unicorn.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?
Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
Howard: How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.
Sheldon: My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.
Raj: You know, if I had a week off, I’d go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you’ll feel like you were born without bones.
Howard: I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.
Raj: Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?
Sheldon: It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.
Howard: I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.
Leonard: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon: One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.
Howard: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon: Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.
Howard: Isn’t that just Feynman’s idea?
Sheldon: Ten seconds ago, you never heard of him. Now you’re an expert.
Scene: The hallway.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, you.
Leonard: Is that your laundry? You only have, like, six things in there.
Penny: Yeah, I didn’t have any quarters, so I’ve been sneaking stuff into other people’s loads all day. Hey, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anybody?
Leonard: It doesn’t matter what I say, you’re gonna tell me anyway.
Penny: What? That is not true. Bernadette wants a pre-nup.
Leonard: Wow. That’s rough.
Penny: So you’re saying if I became a famous movie star, we got married, you wouldn’t sign a pre-nup?
Leonard: Absolutely not. If I’m gonna be stuck at home with the kids while you’re on location cheating on me with Ryan Gosling, then Leonard gots to get paid. So, you think about us getting married?
Penny: I think about a lot of things. I think about us getting married, I think about us breaking up. Once in a while, I think about how I didn’t leave a note on that Mercedes I dinged in the parking lot last month, but then I have a glass of wine and it passes.
Leonard: Joke all you want, but you think about it.
Penny: Well, tell you one thing, if I ever do get married, no Klingon invitations.
Leonard: Good luck catching a man with that attitude.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.
Amy: I’m excited to work with my boyfriend. It’s gonna be romantic.
Sheldon: Way to k*ll the mood.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately k*lled her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.
Sheldon: Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!
Amy: Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.
Sheldon: Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?
Amy: No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.
Sheldon: What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.
Amy: Sheldon, you’ve never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.
Sheldon: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it’s still alive. Let’s do this.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Where’s Howard?
Raj: No hi, Raj? No how are you, Raj? Just straight to where’s the other white guy?
Leonard: I’m sorry. So, listen, I heard something about him. Can you keep it between us?
Raj: Ooh, gossip. When I first got here, I thought you Americans really gossiped around the water cooler. So I hung out there for, like, a month, but the only gossip I ever heard was about some creepy guy hanging out by the water cooler.
Leonard: Bernadette wants to get a pre-nup.
Raj: Oh, that’s a shame, he’s gonna be devastated.
Leonard: I never know what to do in these situations. Should I give him a heads-up?
Raj: Hmm. I’m gonna give you the same advice I yell at the TV when the Bachelor’s handing out roses. Follow your heart.
Howard: Check it out. Look at the size of that Rice Krispie Treat. Same price.
Leonard: Hey, Howard, I need to tell you something.
Howard: I know, it’s not on my wedding diet. I don’t care.
Leonard: Uh, listen, I heard that Bernadette’s thinking about asking you for a pre-nup.
Howard: A pre-nup? Wow.
Leonard: What are you gonna do?
Howard: I don’t know.
Raj: Follow your heart.
Howard: You know what, it’s not a big deal. She makes more money than me. She wants to protect her financial interests. It’s completely reasonable.
Leonard; Good. That’s a healthy attitude.
Howard: Yeah, actually, it’s good for both of us. I have assets to protect, too.
Raj: Like what?
Howard: I’ve got some rare comic books. The Vespa’s almost paid off. And Ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mt. Sinai right near the guy who played Mr. Roper on Three’s Company.
Raj: Mr. Roper’s d*ad? You can’t just spring that on a guy.
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
Amy: Soap spots. Wash ‘em again.
Sheldon: Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.
Amy: Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.
Sheldon: Biologists are mean.
Later.
Amy: All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.
Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.
Amy: I’m sure it was.
Sheldon: I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.
Amy: Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.
Sheldon: You know what this place needs? A suggestion box.
Later.
Sheldon: 366… 367…
Amy: How’s it going?
Sheldon: How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.
Amy: Great.
Sheldon: Aw, nuts! One…
Later.
Sheldon: This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.
Amy: Really? Is that what you think?
Sheldon: Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.
Amy: Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.
Amy: Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right.
Sheldon: Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.
Amy: Maybe the math was too bubbly for him.
Sheldon: You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.
Amy: Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.
Sheldon: All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.
Amy: You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you.
Sheldon: It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.
Amy: Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?
Amy: No. But your thumb does.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. (Faints)
Amy: Yeah, you’re a biologist.
Scene: The bar at the Cheesecake Factory.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.
Howard: What happened to your thumb?
Sheldon: You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.
Barman: What can I get you?
Sheldon: Ah, seeing as I’m on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don’t let me have too many of those.
Penny: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Howard: We’re grown men, we drink at bars.
Penny: No and no. Everything okay with you and Bernadette?
Howard: Oh, yeah, sure.
Penny: You and Amy? Good?
Sheldon: Oh, better than good.
Penny: You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens.
Howard: I’m not signing a pre-nup.
Penny: All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.
Sheldon: Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)
Scene: Amy’s laboratory.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.
Amy: Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?
Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.
Amy: That’s not an apology.
Sheldon: That is your opinion.
Amy: I want a real apology.
Sheldon: I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: That my genius…
Amy: No.
Sheldon: That the soap was…
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine. Sorry.
Amy: You’re forgiven. Now, if you want to stay, get started on those beakers. They’re still dirty from yesterday.
Sheldon: Next year I’m going to Epcot.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Bernadette: Are you mad at me?
Howard: No. I’m not mad at you. I just wish you would have come to me, so I didn’t have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette: So, what are we gonna do?
Howard: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette: I don’t know. My dad’s pretty insistent on it, though.
Howard: Why don’t I talk to your dad, man-to-man?
Bernadette: Really? Oh, that’d be so great.
Howard: Done.
Bernadette: I should probably give you a heads-up about a couple of things. Even though he’s retired from the police force, he still carries his g*n. But don’t worry, he won’t sh**t it. It’s more of a fashion statement.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: And just to be safe, when you talk to him, don’t bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, h*m*, Sean Penn, Vatican II, g*n control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you’re Jewish.
Howard: Got it, got it. Will you e-mail me that list?
Bernadette: So the thing to watch for, if he’s shouting at you, you’re okay, but if he starts to get real quiet, leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line, throw some zigs and zigs in there.
Howard: You know, this isn’t that pressing. Why don’t I talk to him about it in May.
Bernadette: In May you’re gonna be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They’ve got a phone. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x16 - The The Vacation Solution"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A corridor at the university
Raj: It was a nice retirement party.
Howard: I guess. Still, it’s a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon’s got.
Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.
Leonard: Can’t be very long.
Raj: Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Mm, indeed.
Howard: So sad.
Sheldon: Dibs.
Kripke: What’s up, fewwas?
Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?
Kripke: Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes.
Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.
Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.
Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard: You just called dibs.
Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.
Kripke: I awwived at the office first. I’m the pwoverbial earwy bird.
Rothman (entering, naked): Gentlemen.
All: Professor Rothman.
Rothman: Good evening.
All: Good evening.
Raj: I’m glad that men are wearing hats again. They’re so distinguished.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I got you a little something.
Penny: A little something? Oh, it… what, this is huge.
Amy: What’s huge is what you’ve done for me.
Penny: Oh, no, Amy, I haven’t done anything.
Amy: No, no, before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I’m like some kind of downtown hipster party girl. With a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things. Open it. Open it.
Penny: Okay. (Opens parcel to find a huge and not at all flattering painting of Penny and Amy)
Amy: I wanted to get you something you didn’t have.
Penny: Wow. I-I don’t know what to s… Wow.
Amy: Do you like it?
Penny: Do I like it? Wow.
Amy: So, uh, where are you gonna hang it?
Penny: Oh, my God. Hang it. Wow. Um, you know, I’d have to go get a hook and nails and a hammer and…
Amy: No problem.
Penny: Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow.
Scene: A bathroom at the university.
Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?
Siebert: Can’t this wait?
Sheldon: I’m sorry. We just need a word.
Siebert: Now? You realize I’m your boss, and I am holding my penis?
Kripke: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I’m sowwy. This guy’s got no wespect for boundawies.
Siebert: What do you want?
Kripke: Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?
Siebert: Can’t you take this up with your department chairman?
Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.
Siebert: Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.
Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.
Kripke: Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.
Sheldon: Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.
Siebert: Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.
Kripke: Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak.
Sheldon: Kripke?
Kripke: Yes?
Sheldon: You’re in my spot.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Bernadette: That is big.
Penny: So big.
Bernadette: And ugly.
Penny: So ugly. What am I gonna do?
Bernadette: I don’t know. You can’t take it down. You’ll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.
Penny: Is there any chance I’ll learn to love it?
Bernadette: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?
Penny: All right, it’s got to go.
Bernadette: What will you tell Amy?
Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you’re not in it?
Bernadette: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard’s mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I’ve suffered enough.
Penny: Well, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it’s kind of heavy.
Bernadette: Mmm, too bad you’re not as strong as the dude in the painting.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Would you look at this? I paid twenty five dollars to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.
Howard: It’s numbered.
Raj: Ooh, limited edition. Nice.
Sheldon (knock on door): Oh, that’ll be Kripke.
Leonard: What’s he doing here?
Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.
Kripke: Cooper.
Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?
Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.
Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…
Kripke: We’re not fwiends.
Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
Kripke: How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon?
Sheldon: You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea?
Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
Kripke: What the fwig is that?
Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.
All: Hail.
Kripke: How does it work?
Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Kripke: I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that?
Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Kripke: Almost got it. One more time.
Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…
Howard: Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you.
Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.
Howard: It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.
Leonard: H-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a sh*t are you?
Sheldon: Not p*stol. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.
Kripke: You have a compwete advantage in twivia. You have an eidetic memowy. Pwus, I haven’t watched Star Twek since I discovered the stwip cwub near my apartment has a fwee buffet.
Leonard: It’s gonna be hard to find something you’re both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you’re both equally bad at?
Both: Sports.
Scene: A basketball court.
Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Five what?
Leonard: Balls in the basket. (Throws ball to Sheldon)
Sheldon (dodging out of the way): Ew!
Later. Sheldon dribbling ball, approached Kripke, throws it wildly at a pile of mats in the corner.
Kripke: It’s out, wight?
Later. Kripke, dribbling ball, watched by Sheldon, dribbles it all the way into the back wall.
Kripke: Time. Wan out of woom.
Leonard: You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?
Raj: Yeah.
Leonard: I get it.
Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke.
Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head.
Sheldon: Hey! He did that on purpose,
Leonard: No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office.
Kripke: Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.
Leonard: No. No, I’m not.
Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.
Kripke: Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?
Later. A trampoline has been added. Sheldon tries first, ball hits backboard, bounces back in his face. Kripke tries next, with a run up, ends up crashing into the back wall again.
Later.
Leonard: All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.
Sheldon: What do you propose?
Leonard: Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.
Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper.
Sheldon: I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.
Leonard: All right, that’s enough trash talk. One, two, three.
Howard: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard: Congratulations, Sheldon. You win office.
Sheldon: Who’s unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: Oh, what a great movie.
Penny: I cannot believe you’ve never seen Grease.
Amy: My mother didn’t allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a g*ng.
Bernadette: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to get up early. My company’s testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn’t shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.
Amy: I guess I should get going, too. Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy: You don’t have to say good night to painting Amy, ’cause she’s never leaving.
Bernadette: Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Bye.
Bernadette: Good night, tr*nsv*stite Penny.
Penny: Ah, okay. Let us take you off the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. I wish.
Amy (entering): You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.
Penny: Sure, sure. Enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can, or, you know what, actually, you keep it. It’s just going to be my gift to you. Bye.
Amy: Thank you. Wait. Where’d the painting go?
Penny: It’s right over there.
Amy: Why?
Penny: I have no idea. That is weird.
Amy: You hate it.
Penny: No. No, no. It’s just, it’s a little big.
Amy: I feel like an idiot.
Penny: No, come on, you’re not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up.
Amy: Why? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don’t need your pity.
Penny: Oh, Amy, come on.
Amy: I’m just glad I didn’t go for the sculpture.
Scene: Rothman’s office.
Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.
Raj: I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)
Rothman: Oh. Hello.
Sheldon: Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.
Rothman: I think the word you’re looking for is invisible.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Penny: I came to say I’m sorry.
Amy: Don’t bother.
Penny: Oh, Amy, please.
Amy: I’m so humiliated. I sat there the whole time that we were watching Grease, thinking you liked the painting.
Penny: I know.
Amy: I was a fool from Summer Lovin’ to the very last rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.
Penny: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I should have been honest with you and told you the gift was too much.
Amy: Yes, too much. Because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical. I clearly like you more than you like me.
Penny: I don’t think you can put a number on how much one person likes another.
Amy: I bought you a painting that’s 12 square feet in area. There’s a number.
Penny: Amy, come on…
Amy: If you don’t like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand.
Penny: Three gr… Oh, my God! Look, look, Amy, all you need to know is, you are my friend and I don’t want to lose you out of my life.
Amy: I’m sorry, I’m just having trouble believing you right now.
Penny: Grab your hammer.
Amy: No. Damage is done.
Penny: Okay, look, I didn’t want to say this, but the real reason I took the painting down was because it made Bernadette very jealous.
Amy: Oh, my goodness, how could I have not seen that? The painting is a constant reminder that of the three of us, she is the least cool.
Penny: Yeah, th-th-th-that’s what it is, so…
Amy: You have such a good heart.
Penny: Huh, I try.
Amy: Come on.
Penny: Well where are we going?
Amy: We’re going to go put this painting back up in your apartment.
Penny: Well, what about Bernadette?
Amy: Oh, screw her. She’s just lucky we let her hang out with us.
Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely bl*wing air vent.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.
Howard: Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat?
Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.
Leonard: Why is there a hole here?
Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.
Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.
Sheldon: Is it? Listen.
Raj: What, you don’t like wind chimes?
Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.
Howard: The bird?
Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?
Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.
Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!
Leonard: Sheldon, relax.
Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.
Leonard: If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?
Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: How’s that?
Amy: Little higher on the right.
Penny: Now?
Amy: Little more. No. That’s got it.
Penny: Yeah, okay. That’s, uh, that’s good.
Amy: I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Penny: Mm.
Amy: Originally we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes, ’cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
Penny: Yeah, good call.
Amy: But if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
Penny: You’re talking about the painting, right?
Amy: Sure.
Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall.
Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Sheldon: It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter.
Leonard: Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x17 - The Rothman Disintegration"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: A barber’s shop.
Leonard: I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done.
Sheldon: Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Barber: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.
Barber: I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick.
Sheldon: Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?
Barber: I can cut it for you.
Sheldon: You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?
Leonard: Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber.
Sheldon: He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.
Leonard: There’s no such thing as haircut records.
Sheldon: Yes, there are.
Leonard: Have you ever seen them?
Sheldon: No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?
Barber: Your what?
Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.
Leonard: Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.
Sheldon: Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)
Barber: So my kid said the funniest thing today.
Sheldon: Nope. (Runs out)
Leonard: When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?
Leonard: Sure. What are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
Howard: Lookie here, I got my travel orders.
Raj: Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz is requested to report to the NASA Johnson Space Center, Houston, Texas, for astronaut training Monday eight a.m.
Howard: Yeah, but it’s from NASA, so it’s oh eight hundred.
Raj: But it says eight a.m.
Howard: You read it as oh eight hundred.
Raj: It doesn’t have an oh in front of it.
Howard: You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.
Leonard: So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that?
Sheldon: I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.
Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of g*n sacks, and, uh, we sure as sh**t’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…
Leonard: Sheldon, be nice.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, it’s the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.
Raj: You could go to my guy. He’s at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills. They bring you a cup of tea, they’ll massage your scalp. It’s about two hundred dollars, but sometimes you look in the next chair and you see a superstar like Tony Danza.
Howard: Quick question here, have we actually changed the conversation from I’m going
to astronaut training to Sheldon can’t get a haircut?
Raj: Now who’s dying of jealousy? Oh, it’s you.
Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing her harp.
Amy: I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, d*ad or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.
Amy: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon: I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
Amy: Well, this isn’t a crisis. Why don’t you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon: Why don’t I let my hair grow out? Um, why don’t I start wearing Birkenstocks and, uh, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking can you dig it?
Amy: Well, I don’t know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse, bareback and bare-chested. I’m gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard (on Skype): Hi.
Bernadette: Hi, sweetie.
Howard: I miss you.
Bernadette: I miss you, too. So tell me all about your first day.
Howard: Oh, wow, where do I even start? I got to experience zero gravity.
Bernadette: Cool. How do they do that?
Howard: It’s pretty neat. You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for, like, 20 seconds, and then straight back down like it’s going to crash, and they do it over and over again, you know, no matter how many times you throw up.
Bernadette: You threw up?
Howard: Yeah, and the craziest part is, because there’s no gravity, the throw-up kind of floats there, in a little ball, and if your mouth is open because you’re screaming, sometimes it just floats right back in. Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens.
Bernadette: That sounds mean.
Howard: No. Yeah, I would have laughed, too, but I didn’t want the vomit to come back out. Anyway, oh, could you do me a favour and overnight me some more underwear?
Bernadette: Sure, why?
Howard: I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.
Scene: A hospital ward.
Sheldon: Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.
Nurse: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?
Nurse: Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.
Nurse: I-I see. J-Jus-Just wait here one moment. Security!
Sheldon: I got to run. But not with scissors, that would be unsafe.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: So, if I move my horsey here, isn’t that checkmate and I win?
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn’t it?
Leonard: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh, it’s your first real game. I threw a lot of information at you.
Penny: Well, no, I mean, your king is trapped. He can’t go here because of my lighthouse, and he can’t go here because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move.
Sheldon: Eh, why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.
Penny: Uh, sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon: No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard: Oh, uh, he’s crazy.
Sheldon: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.
Leonard: Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
Penny: You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen.
Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.
Leonard: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.
Sheldon: You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.
Leonard: Great. What are you going to do first?
Sheldon: I don’t know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. I got it. I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.
Leonard: I got to tell you, I’m a little worried about him.
Penny: If I were you, I’d be worried that a girl who’s never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.
Scene: Bernadette’s bedroom.
Howard (on Skype): Hi.
Bernadette: Howie, what happened to you?
Howard: We did overnight survival training in the wilderness. Big fun. Big, big fun. I was gonna freshen up for you but I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom.
Bernadette: Survival training? Is that like camping?
Howard: Uh-huh. Except you don’t have food or water, and they don’t have a sunset Sabbath service like they do at Camp Hess-Kramer.
Bernadette: Do you sleep in tents?
Howard: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in and spooned me.
Bernadette: Poor baby.
Howard: But I did it. I survived. I wasn’t sure I was going to when the sandstorm h*t. I just pulled my turtleneck up over my head and waited for death. But somehow as I sat there, wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck-sweat, I found that primal part of the human spirit that just wants to keep on living, no matter what the cost.
Bernadette: You’re so brave. I’m proud of you.
Howard: I ate a butterfly. It was so small and beautiful, but I was so hungry.
Bernadette: Are you crying?
Howard: No, I don’t think it’s possible. I’m severely dehydrated. My pee is like toothpaste.
Bernadette: Howie, if you’re not able to do this, come home. It won’t change how I feel about you.
Howard: Thanks, honey, but I can’t quit. If I do, I’ll just be a guy who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
Bernadette: Well, is there anything I could do to help?
Howard: No. Wait. Send more underwear.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard wakes to the sound of bongos.
Leonard (going to living room): Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
Sheldon: Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.
Leonard: Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning.
Sheldon: Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.
Leonard: I was sleeping.
Sheldon: Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.
Leonard: No, he doesn’t.
Sheldon: Leonard no sleep while I play bongos. Bongo solo.
Leonard: Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop it!
Penny (entering): What the hell?!
Leonard: Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos.
Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.
Leonard: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.
Sheldon: Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.
Leonard: Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning.
Sheldon: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.
Leonard: W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.
Sheldon: Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.
Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten. I play bongos walking down the stairs. (Sound of falling) Oh! Oh! Never play bongos walking down the stairs.
Scene: Howard’s hotel room. There is a knock on the door.
Bernadette: Surprise.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Bernadette: I’m here to help you get through this. You can’t do it on your own, you need someone to take care of you.
Howard: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette: Oh, I love you.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, your bath is getting cold!
Howard: Don’t worry, once she falls asleep, I’ll spoon you like an armadillo.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Amy: He showed up in the middle of the night with his bongos. I foolishly thought it was some sort of musical booty call.
Leonard: Poor guy. He must have been exhausted. Sheldon like to sleep while Leonard play the bongo!
Amy: That was kind of uncalled for.
Leonard: No, it was called for.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once.
Leonard: I’m sorry, duh, what?
Penny: It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There’s not a hair on my body I wouldn’t let this woman trim.
Sheldon: Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.
Amy: There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?
Leonard: What’s this about Sheldon seeing you naked?
Sheldon: Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is cutting Sheldon’s hair.
Penny: Almost done.
Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Penny: Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes.
Sheldon: That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.
Penny: Okay, what do you think?
Sheldon: Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.
Penny: Ha, told you. Okay, I’m just gonna clean up your neck a little and then you are good to go.
Sheldon: Fun time. Hah. Sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Penny: Okay. (Sheldon laughs and jerks, Penny accidentally shaves a strip up the back of his head) Okay, yep, we’re all done now. It’s just, it’s good. Let me just take that away from you. Okay.
Sgeldon: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome. Yeah, I’m gonna have to move. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x18 - The Werewolf Transformation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The stairwell
Raj: Hey, want to spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. I kind of promised myself I’d get off the computer, be more physically active. Get some exercise.
Howard: You’re about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point, I’m in.
Raj: You know what would be great? Let’s do it like the old days.
Leonard: You mean, are you talking gaming marathon?
Raj: Yeah. Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food.
Howard: Turn off our phones so our moms can’t call.
Leonard: It would be like our World Of Warcraft a few years ago when the neighbours called the cops on us.
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were d*ad.
Raj: We were badass back in the day.
Leonard: All right, let’s do it.
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj: It’s on like Alderaan.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon
Raj: Woo-hoo!
Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard: We are going to play the online game.
Sheldon: The online game? Bully!
Amy: Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party.
Sheldon: Just tell her I can’t come.
Amy: She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up.
Sheldon: She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.
Amy: No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what sh*ts they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none.
Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.
Amy: You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.
Leonard: We’ll miss you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.
Howard: Yeah, but it’s got lightsabres.
Sheldon: Yeah, please, Amy! It’s got lightsabres!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The comic book store.
Sheldon: Hello Stuart.
Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?
Sheldon: Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?
Stuart: Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.
Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Then no. What else?
Stuart: Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.
Sheldon: Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.
Stuart: I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got.
Sheldon: Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.
Leonard: I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.
Leonard: That’s what your father used to say?
Sheldon: Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.
Howard: Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.
Raj: I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help.
Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.
Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)
Sheldon: You’re right. I’m smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: Hey, listen, I kind of made plans with the guys this weekend, but then I wondered, because we’re in this relationship-beta-test, if I should have asked you first. Then I thought if I did check with you first, you’d think that I was taking things to seriously. And then, then I got a nosebleed.
Penny: You don’t have to check with me. Do whatever you want.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I was hoping for a different reaction, but okay.
Penny: Really, what were you hoping for?
Leonard: I don’t know, maybe that you’d be a little upset, and then you’d realize that I’m a stallion that has to run free. And that would turn you on a little.
Penny: Okay, I’m an actress. Ask me again.
Leonard: Do you mind if I spend the weekend playing video games with the guys?
Penny: Whu… the entire weekend? You mean I wouldn’t see you at all? But I ju… No, no, I knew what I was getting into. You can’t put a saddle on Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, my, is it getting hot in here? Ay, papi.
Leonard: Ay papi? What is that?
Penny: An acting choice.
Leonard: Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez?
Penny: Choo got a problem with that, papi?
Leonard: Uh-uh.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.
Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.
Sheldon: Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.
Penny: Not a chance.
Sheldon: All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.
Leonard: Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been b*rned more than once.
Penny: All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.
Penny: What’s that?
Sheldon: I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.
Scene: Amy’s car.
Amy: Good morning.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: You sure you’re okay with this?
Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.
Amy: Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.
Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude?
Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.
Amy: You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don’t mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I’ve already told everybody I’ll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.
Sheldon: Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn’t mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal’s candle blow is clean and dry.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Here you go. I’ve got everything we’ll need for the big game. Low fat turkey jerky, low-carb beer, 100-calorie snack packs.
Leonard: You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.
Raj: Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.
Leonard: Well, we’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we’re the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prost*tute promptly and never h*t them with a bat.
Sheldon: Those women are prost*tute? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.
Howard: Hey, guys, I got a surprise.
Leonard: Uh, if it’s yoghurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj b*at you to it.
Howard: No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah.
Raj: What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.
Howard: I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now.
Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?
Leonard: Uh, it is, but I think you might’ve waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it’s still funny.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Hah-hah!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Penny: Amy, what’s wrong?
Amy: My boyfriend’s a jerk.
Penny: Well, I know he didn’t cheat on you, so what happened?
Amy: I had to go to my aunt’s party all by myself, and everybody was like, where’s this boyfriend you’re always talking about? Is he real, or did you make him up like Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Penny: Who’s Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Amy: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unravelled quickly when I couldn’t answer the question how’d you two meet?
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy: Oh, that’s good.
Penny: Mm.
Amy: I panicked and said Woodstock. I just wanted to show Sheldon off to my family.
Penny: Sure, I get that. I mean, he’s your first boyfriend and all.
Amy: Not just my first boyfriend, he’s the best boyfriend. I mean, think about it. I’m dating Sheldon Cooper.
Penny: Yes. On purpose.
Amy: He’s handsome, he’s lanky, he’s brilliant, and his skin has that pale, waxy quality.
Penny: Well, sickly is the new sexy.
Amy: Yeah.
Penny: Mm. You know, Amy, sometimes when you’re in a relationship with someone you really care about, the sucky part is, it leaves you open to getting hurt.
Amy: Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you?
Penny: That’s hilarious. No.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Get that guy! Get that guy! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Sheldon: Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn’t as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn’t make the land speeder go.
Bernadette: Pew!
Leonard: Raj, Imperial Troopers on your tail.
Raj: Got him. When Gandhi advocated his philosophy of non-v*olence, I bet he didn’t know how much fun it was k*lling stuff.
Leonard: All right, I think we got them all. Let’s divide up the loot.
Bernadette: Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got. You should put on yours and then we’ll match.
Howard: But I worked hard to get this armour.
Bernadette: Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.
Howard: Fine, I’ll change. (Whip sound)
Sheldon: Hah-hah!
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy: I don’t think I want to play a game.
Penny: Oh, come on. They’re playing one across the hall, we should, too. Okay, we are gonna take turns bouncing a quarter off the table, and if it goes into this cup, the other person has to drink. Then you get to go again…
Amy: Like that?
Penny: Wow. Yeah, b-beginner’s luck. So, now I will drink this entire cup of beer, and you will go again and we can… uh… all right. So, yeah, okay, now I’m gonna drink this entire cup and then I’m going to drink another one… Okay, seriously, stop. What the hell?
Amy: Spent a lot of my childhood throwing coins into wishing wells hoping for friends. At a certain point, you start doing trick sh*ts just to keep things interesting.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, give me a second to catch up here. Hold on. (Sound of cheering)
Amy: That’d be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me.
Penny: Wars.
Amy: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy: What’s the difference?
Penny: There’s absolutely no difference.
Amy: How do I get him to treat me better?
Penny: All right. Let me give you a little girlfriend 101. Usually the first move out of the gate is you withhold sex, but that will work better after Sheldon hits puberty. So, I’d say give him the silent treatment.
Amy: No, he loves that.
Penny: Hmm.
Amy: Our record for sitting in a room together and not speaking to each other is six-and-a half hours. He said it was a magical evening.
Penny: All right, then we’re gonna have to go with an oldie but goodie, making a scene.
Amy: I don’t think I’d be good at that.
Penny: That’s why you’re lucky to have me. Back in Omaha, there are two different restaurants I’m not allowed into. Both Chili’s.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Bernadette, remember, your character’s the healer in our group. You’re in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.
Bernadette: I can’t help it. My Howie Wowie has an owie.
Sheldon: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.
Amy (bursting in): Sheldon Cooper, I’ve got a bone to pick with you, and I’m about to do it in front of all your friends.
Penny: Yeah, you pick that bone. You pick that bone clean!
Amy: I’m gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour.
Penny: Ooh, burn!
Amy: And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.
Sheldon: Armin who?
Amy: Armin… damn it.
Penny: Sheldon, she wanted to show you off to her family, and you stood her up, okay? Look at this adorable, smushy face. Smush, smush, smush, smush.
Amy: You’re hurting me.
Penny: No, Sheldon hurt you.
Amy: Before; now it’s you.
Penny: Oh.
Sheldon: I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.
Penny: Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…
Amy: Ooh, Science Center. Redeeming. Let’s go.
Sheldon: Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.
Raj: But e-excuse me, I have something to say. None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend. It was gonna be like the old days, the four of us hanging out playing video games before you guys all got girlfriends. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be the only one without a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I’ll still be the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper!
Penny: And that’s how a girl makes a scene. I’m sorry, sweetie. You’re right. You deserve your weekend. Come on, Amy, let’s go.
Amy: What about the Science Center?
Penny: I’ll let you hold my hair while I throw up.
Amy: Rain check.
Bernadette: I’m gonna go, too.
Howard: I’ll miss you.
Bernadette: I’ll miss you.
Howard: I’ll miss you more.
Bernadette: No, I’ll…
Raj: Just leave! Okay, now. This is the way it’s supposed to be. Men together, fighting the forces of evil.
All: Hear! Hear!
Raj: I can’t believe this is only 64 calories.
Scene: Some time later. The guys are asleep.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard Joel Wolowitz! I’ve been worried sick for two days, and I know you turned off your phone! You open up this door right now because I’ve had it up to here! I have been to the morgue and the hospital, and I spent the last half hour walking up these ferkakta stairs!
Howard: That’s my ride, got to go. (Whip sound) | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x19 - The Weekend Vortex"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken.
Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, the best things in life are free.
Penny: Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want.
Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking.
Howard: Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding.
Raj: I’ll let you know.
Howard: Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine.
Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.
Leonard: Mmm, you liked Professor Guyster’s wedding.
Sheldon: They had a make your own sundae bar. Ooh, that was a night to remember. Do you know, on the one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.
Howard: Anyway, you gotta let me know if you have a plus one, because if not my mom’s trying to sneak in the doctor who sucked the fat out of her neck.
Raj: Alright, uh, fine, I’m coming and I’m bringing somebody. Uh, Koothrappali plus one.
Leonard: Who you bringing?
Raj: Who are you bringing?
Penny: He’s bringing me. Who are you bringing?
Raj: Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O’Donnells.
Howard: Come on, who is it?
Raj: I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it.
Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?
Howard: No, uh, I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Well you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make your own sundae bars end in happiness.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj (on skype): Hello Mummy, Daddy, how are you?
Mrs Koothrappali: Pretty good, can’t complain.
Dr Koothrappali: Oh I’m sure you can. Just give it a minute.
Raj: Listen, uh, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I, I wasn’t ready until now, but I think it’s time.
Dr Koothrappali: It’s finally happening. You’re coming out of the closet, aren’t you?
Mrs Koothrappali: We love you, and we accept your alternate lifestyle. Just keep it to yourself.
Raj: No, I’m not gay. If anything, I’m metrosexual.
Dr Koothrappali: What’s that?
Raj: It means I like women as well as their skincare products.
Dr Koothrappali: Well, if you’re not coming out, why did you call us during the cricket semi-finals?
Raj: ‘Cause I, I’m tired of trying to meet someone and, I think I’d like you to help me find uh, a wife.
Mrs Koothrappali: And just to clarify, a female wife?
Raj: Yes.
Dr Koothrappali: Matchmaking, very smart move son. Much better than marrying for love.
Mrs Koothrappali: We married for love.
Dr Koothrappali: And it’s been wonderful.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m glad.
Sheldon: It’s like looking at the universe naked. (Shivers)
Penny: Hi, you guys got a minute?
Leonard: Sure, what’s up?
Penny: Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food.
Sheldon: Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.
Leonard: I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Prove it.
Sheldon: Knock, knock.
Leonard: Who’s there?
Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.
Leonard: Interrupting physi…
Sheldon: MUON!
Penny: Anyway, I got a little residual cheque from my commercial and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thankyou to pay them back. So, Sheldon, ta-da!
Sheldon: Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn!
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Penny: Uh, from Stuart at the comic-book store.
Leonard: You went to the comic-book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma att*cks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon: Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon: Not this time. Then they wouldn’t be special. Thanks Penny.
Penny: You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. Leonard, I got you a label maker.
Leonard: Wow. No, it’s great. Also, uh, mint in box.
Penny: Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure.
Penny: Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.
Leonard: Ah!
Sheldon: Oh dear Lord. No!
Penny: Why, they’re just toys?
Sheldon: They’re mint in box.
Leonard: They’re Collectables.
Penny: C’mon can’t we just open one up and take a…
Together: No!
Leonard: Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
Scene: A restaurant.
Bernadette: Are you sure you want us here when you meet this woman?
Raj: Oh yes. In my culture it’s expected to have a chaparone to oversee a first date. Plus I want to make a good impression and, no offence, but with you guys here I look like six two.
Bernadette: The nuns always chaparoned the dances at my high school. They used to make us leave room between us for the holy spirit.
Howard: Hindus do the same thing. Except they leave room for a cow.
Raj: Listen, I love your charming r*cist humour, but any chance you could not knock my religion while she’s here.
Howard: Yesterday you made fun of me for eating lox.
Raj: It’s different. You’re people don’t worship lox.
Howard: Well clearly you’ve never been to brunch with my cousins.
Bernadette: So, arranged marriages. The parents just decide, and then you have to get married?
Raj: Oh, no, no, I get a say in it. But I’m sure whoever shows up will be better company than a threesome I’ve been having with Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth.
Girl: Excuse me, are you Rajesh?
Raj: Oh, yes. You must be Lakshmi. Uh, nice to meet you.
Lakshmi: Nice to meet you too.
Raj: Oh, uh, these are my, my friends. This is Bernadette.
Bernadette: Hello.
Raj: And this is Howard.
Howard: Nice to meet you.
Lakshmi: You too.
Raj: Please have a seat. (To Bernadette) I’m thinking double wedding!
Scene: The apartment.
Voice of Spock: Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper?
Sheldon: Is someone there?
Spock: Down here, on your desk.
Sheldon: Spock?
Spock: I need to speak with you.
Sheldon: Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being h*t on the head by, say, a coconut.
Sheldon: Was I h*t on the head by a coconut.
Spock: I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy.
Sheldon: But it’s mint in box.
Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half.
Sheldon: Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.
Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
Sheldon: To be played with.
Spock: Therefore? To not play with it would be?
Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.
Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right? (Wakes up in bed) Goody, goody, goody. This is wrong. This is wrong. I’m so excited, but this is wrong. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I did it. Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like. One to beam down Mr Scott. Aye, aye, Mr Spock. Energise. (Spins toy). Energise. (Tries to spin toy. It sticks. Tries to get Spock out and toy falls apart.) Don’t be broken. Please don’t be broken. (To Spock toy) What did you make me do? Okay, okay, think. (Sees Leonard’s toy) It’s only logical.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Lakshmi: My goodness, that was delicious.
Raj: Well, I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake.
Lakshmi: Impressive. What goes into making something like that.
Raj: Well, you start off by trying to make chocolate souffle, and when it falls you panic, quickly change the name, and voila! Lava cake.
Lakshmi: I bet our parents are dying to know how things are going here.
Raj: Well, let’s see. Yup, three missed calls.
Lakshmi: Four missed calls, two text messages, and a failed video chat. I win. So, what are we going to tell them.
Raj: I’d like to tell them things are going well.
Lakshmi: Me too. But before we get their hopes up we should probably make sure we’re on the same page.
Raj: Okay, what page are you on?
Lakshmi: I’m on the one where I’m on a lot of pressure from my parents to get married and settle down, and have a family, and I’m going to do it so they don’t find out I’m gay.
Raj: Say again.
Lakshmi: I’m gay.
Raj: Like, dude on dude, but with women?
Lakshmi: I know a fake marriage isn’t an honest way to live, but you of all people must know how difficult it is to come out in our culture.
Raj: Why me, of all people?
Lakshmi: Well, there is a rumour back in New Delhi that you’re, how shall we say, comfortable in a sari.
Raj: I’m not gay.
Lakshmi: Really? The chocolate lava cake? The little soaps in the bathroom? And I’m sorry, but you’re wearing more perfume than I am.
Raj: That’s Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar. And for your information, it’s unisex.
Lakshmi: Fill in the blank. I love the nightlife?
Raj: I like to boogie.
Lakshmi: Got you.
Raj: W-w-with women. I like to boogie with women.
Lakshmi: That’s disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phoney-baloney husband I was looking for.
Raj: Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon writhes in bed, then wakes up on an alien planet.
Sheldon: Oh dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.
Spock: Hello again, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is it now, tiny Spock?
Spock: I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Sheldon: You’re the one who told me to play with it.
Spock: If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?
Sheldon: No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.
Spock: Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.
Spock: Well I am unhappy.
Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.
Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing.
Sheldon: You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.
Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right. You broke it.
Sheldon: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energise. (Throws Spock away. Get’s att*cked by a Gorn. Wakes up.) Ah. Tiny Spock. Help.
Scene: Howard’s laboratory. Howard is soldering something.
Raj: Ready for lunch?
Howard: Yep, one sec. (Puts thing in mouth.) Ah, good. Ma would have k*lled me if she’d found out I’d broke my retainer.
Raj: Hey, uh, can I run something by you? It’s about Lakshmi.
Howard: Yeah. Sure. How are things going?
Raj: We h*t a couple of bumps. She lives over on Manhattan Beach, so it takes over an hour to get there. And she’s a lesbian.
Howard: What do you mean, she’s a lesbian?
Raj: Well, you know whenever you and I would try to h*t on women in bars, and they’d blow us off, and then we’d tell each other they were probably gay. It’s like that. Except this time it’s true.
Howard: Then why did she even go out with you?
Raj: She was looking for a husband so she can appear to be straight. And you know, it sounded crazy to me at first, but I’m actually thinking about doing it.
Howard: Okay, well, so the reason that might sound crazy, is ’cause it’s crazy.
Raj: Look, Howard, you’re in a relationship. You know you have to make compromises.
Howard: Well, yes. But my compromises are about which bedspread to buy, or whose turn it is to do the laundry, Bernadette’s or my mom’s.
Raj: It’s a great deal. We both get our parents off our backs. I don’t have to come home to an empty apartment every night, plus, once I’m married, I can finally eat carbs again and let myself go.
Howard: Why don’t you tell your parents you want to try and find someone else, you know, maybe one who hasn’t slept with more women than you.
Raj: Because this one wants to marry me. I might never find another one who does.
Howard: So you’re seriously thinking about marrying someone you’re never going to have sex with.
Raj: I can’t believe your attitude. I thought you were in favour of gay people getting married.
Howard: Yes, to other gay people.
Raj: Do you hear how h*m* you sound?
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is working on his laptop. Spock is looking at him judgementally. He switches the two toys.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want a broken toy. (Switches them back again. Penny and Leonard enter.) Nothing!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing. I said nothing.
Penny: That was weird.
Leonard: Really? I don’t even notice any more.
Penny: I cannot believe you guys aren’t going to play with these.
Leonard: Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.
Penny: I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box.
Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.
Penny: What is your problem?
Sheldon: My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her.
Penny: Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it. I don’t want it to just sit in this box.
Leonard: You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Mmmmm!
Leonard: It’s broken.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Oh, nice job, man-hands.
Penny: I didn’t break it. I, I guess Stuart sold it to me like this.
Sheldon: Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart.
Penny: You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.
Leonard: Absolutely.
Sheldon: Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.
Leonard: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon: I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.
Leonard: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon: I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon: My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was att*cked by a Gorn.
Leonard: Okay, that I believe.
Penny: Mmm.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.
Leonard: So, is that one mine.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Well, hand it over so I can open it.
Sheldon: Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard: And that’s a lie, right?
Sheldon: Big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: This is a treat, what brings you guys by?
Bernadette: Raj, Howie told me what’s going on with you and Lakshmi.
Raj: What, you told her?
Howard: I told everybody.
Bernadette: We believe there’s someone out there who’ll love you for you.
Howard: Well, actually we kind of agreed to disagree on that one, but we both think you shouldn’t marry this woman.
Raj: So, while I’m waiting for this mysterious perfect match, who may or may not exist, I’m supposed to just be alone.
Bernadette: Not necessarily. I think we’ve found someone for you to cuddle with. (Pulls a puppy out of her bag.)
Raj: Oh, my goodness. Aren’t you the cutest little Yorkie ever? You got him for me?
Howard: Her. We thought you two would h*t it off.
Raj: I think we already have. Thank you guys so much. Let’s see if you fit in my man purse.
Bernadette: Metrosexual my ass. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x20 - The Transporter Malfunction"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria.
Howard: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
Raj: I don’t mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard: Believe me, I know. The e-mail I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: You’re kidding.
Raj: Why?
Howard: He’s coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture, and he’s looking for an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair.
Leonard: That’s amazing. You’ll be like his pit crew. A word of caution, I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): You’re right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.
Raj: Oh, boy, Sheldon’s going to freak out.
Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard: I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj: That’s really nice of you, Howard.
Howard: Hm, it’s no big deal.
Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?
Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.
Leonard: Really?
Raj: That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.
Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, and don’t stop working on it.
Raj: Are you still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard: Yep.
Leonard: Still going to introduce him?
Howard: Not on your life.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A corridor.
Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.
Howard: I told you, no.
Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry.
Howard: No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry?
Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?
Howard: Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don’t have heaven.
Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.
Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.
Howard: Oh, you can’t be serious.
Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.
Howard: Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.
Howard: Get out of my lab.
Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?
Howard: Get out.
Sheldon: How about dolphins?
Howard: Out!
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: So, come on, how was the first day with Hawking?
Howard: It was great. We talked about movies.
Sheldon: Oh!
Howard: I showed him some card tricks.
Sheldon: Oh!
Howard: He even let me read a couple pages from his new book.
Sheldon: Oh!
Howard: Something got you down there, bunky?
Sheldon: Howard, please, I’m begging you.
Leonard: Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.
Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard: You’re kidding.
Sheldon: No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.
Howard: You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111.
Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.
Howard: No!
Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.
Howard: Let me try gansta, hells no.
Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.
Leonard: What if he doesn’t?
Sheldon: He will, he’s really smart.
Howard: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?
Sheldon: How do I do that?
Howard: You walk away.
Sheldon: Walking away.
Leonard: You do realize you own his ass right now.
Howard: I do.
Raj: You can make him do anything you want.
Howard: Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.
Raj: Well, don’t be too mean.
Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.
Raj: I wouldn’t mind a glass.
Sheldon: I wasn’t talking to you.
Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.
Howard: Sheldon, come on back.
Sheldon: Yes, yes. What did you decide?
Howard: I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.
Howard: But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labours of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?
Howard: Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once k*lled a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard: That’s nice.
Sheldon: That’s a lot of belt buckles.
Howard: Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back.
Sheldon: You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that.
Howard: Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.
(Later)
Howard: Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny?
Sheldon: Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.
Howard: Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.
Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?
Howard: Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay. Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time, but I was wrong and really wrong.
Sheldon: And you want me to return it for you?
Howard: No, no, no, mon petit cherie.
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon enters in the French maid costume.
Sheldon: What are you all staring at? Didn’t you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
Scene: The laundry room.
Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?
Sheldon: This is not my laundry.
Penny: Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her.
Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.
Penny: Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon: That’s close enough.
Penny: I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?
Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?
Penny: Well…
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…
Penny: I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.
Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.
Penny: Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.
Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.
Penny: See, there it is, there’s that twinkle.
Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.
Penny: What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.
Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.
Sheldon: I knew it.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: What’s the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get ‘im.
Howard: It’s not her fault. She’s getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny. Check this out, I got Sheldon to wear the French maid’s costume.
Bernadette: Oh, my God, that’s terrible.
Howard: Hey, I gave you first crack at it.
Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You’re being mean to him.
Howard: He’s mean to me all the time. You’ve heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
Bernadette: If you don’t want to get teased about that, get a doctorate. I have one, they’re great.
Howard: Oh, come on, the man torments me. I’m just letting him have a little taste of his own medicine.
Bernadette: It’s not the same thing. Sheldon doesn’t know when he’s being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.
Howard: Fine, I’ll just make him do a couple more things, then I’ll stop.
Bernadette: No, you have to stop now.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Bernadette, I want to remind you, you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow!
Bernadette: Oh, damn. I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! And that’s the last thing you do to him.
Scene: A shop changing rooms.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Sheldon! I need your help!
Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!
Sheldon: What do you want me to do?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): We’re gonna have to work as a team. Get in here, grab a handful, and start stuffing.
Sheldon (off): I’m not sure how to do this.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s easy, just pretend you’re putting away a sleeping bag.
Sheldon (off): Sleeping bags don’t usually sweat this much, but okay.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Now zip me up.
Sheldon (off): Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): You’re right, who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Would you hold me?
Sheldon: Oh, no, you know, I’m not really the holding kind of… Oh!
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that’s amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.
Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.
Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.
Sheldon: Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?
Howard: I don’t know.
Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do.
Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now will you give my paper to Hawking?
Howard: Sorry, I can’t.
Sheldon: What, why not?
Howard: I gave it to him three days ago. He was really impressed. He wants to meet you.
Sheldon: All right, then. Thank you, Howard. Please let Professor Hawking know that I’m available at his earliest convenience.
Raj: I thought he might be a little more excited.
Leonard: Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom)
Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.
Hawking: That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong.
Sheldon: What do you mean wrong?
Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon: No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.
Hawking: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
Hawking: Great, another fainter. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x21 - The Hawking Excitation"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon laughs to himself.
Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.
Raj: Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.
Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?
Leonard: Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.
Sheldon: Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we?
Howard: Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.
Leonard: Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.
Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple thr*at. Like three-bean salad.
Leonard: Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.
Sheldon: All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.
Raj: He got us again.
Leonard: No, he didn’t.
Raj: Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.
Sheldon: Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.
Raj: I’ve been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price if we’re flexible on age range and number of limbs.
Howard: Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers.
Raj: You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.
Howard: What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.
Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.
Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.
Howard: Well, it’s probably not for me.
Raj: Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.
Sheldon: Boo, wine! But yay, trains. I’m in.
Raj: Anyway, it’s a beautiful time of year. Uh, you travel through the vineyards. There’s a tasting on board. And all the wild flowers are in bloom. It’s magic.
Leonard: Look at that, in 30 seconds, we went from hiring women to being them.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: So, I hear you and the lost boys are having a bachelor party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant, get some steaks and scotch. Nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: Well, I don’t know. It’s a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Wouldn’t that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Oh, come on Leonard, it’s you. What’s going to happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you’d do is avoid eye-contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
Leonard: Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. Under the right conditions, I-I-I am capable of just, really crazy stuff.
Penny: Really? What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done with a woman? And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.
Leonard: Oh, come on, that’s got to count. There was a really strong undertow, we could have died.
Penny: Well, have fun tonight.
Leonard: Oh, I will. There is no telling what might happen.
Penny: Yeah, there is.
Leonard: You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.
Scene: A restaurant.
Leonard: Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.
Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.
Leonard: Are you drinking whisky?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.
Leonard: Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-b*mb, don’t you think?
Wil Wheaton: Hey, you guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.
Wil: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.
Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.
Wil: Oh, I’m friends with Howard too.
Sheldon: Oh. I guess you’re just friends with anybody. (Drinks) Aagh!
Stuart: Hey, uh, Leonard, things are a little tight at the comic book store. I might need some help covering my share of the check.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no worries.
Stuart: And maybe a few bucks for the valet.
Leonard: Oh, all right.
Stuart: And gas money to get home.
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Stuart: Great. You know what? This is my grandfather’s watch.
Leonard: Oh.
Stuart: 18-carat gold, got it in Europe during the w*r.
Leonard: Wow, that’s very nice.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. A hundred bucks and it’s yours.
Raj: Hey, everybody! The bachelor boy has arrived! For he’s a jolly good fellow…
All (joining in): For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.
Kripke: Yes, yes, yes. He’s a jowwy good fewwow. What time do the stwippers awwive?
Howard: Actually, Barry, we’re not going to have strippers tonight.
Kripke: Ah, then what the fwig did I get two hundwed dowwaws in singles out for?
Stuart: You want to buy a watch?
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Amy (into a mini-cam): This is Maid of Honour Amy Farrah Fowler, bringing you the wedding activities just weeks out from the big day. Let’s check in with a beautiful, radiant young woman, and her friend who’s about to get married. Ladies, can you tell us what you’re doing?
Bernadette: Um, these are gift bags we’re going to put in the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests. This is a map of Pasadena. This is a list of local restaurants. And then, for Howie’s relatives, we have antihistamines, antacids, and medicine for diarrhoea and constipation.
Penny: Yeah, we labeled them stop and go.
Amy: All right, pivoting to the big question. Bernadette, on your wedding night you’ll be consummating your marriage. What do you think your first sexual position will be as husband and wife?
Bernadette: Amy, please.
Amy: Keeping in mind that whoever’s on top may set the tone for the marriage.
Penny: Okay, show’s over.
Amy: Hey, they may conceive a child on their wedding night. Don’t you think the kid might get a kick out of knowing how it happened?
Penny: I don’t care. Ask her things like are you going to take Howard’s name? Not who’s going to sit on who?
Bernadette: I’ve actually been thinking I’m going to hyphenate: Bernadette Mary-Ann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
Penny: Nice. You know, you should totally get BernadetteMaryAnnRostenkowskiWolowitz.com before someone snaps it up.
Bernadette: Howard already took care of it. Plus, he set up our beautiful wedding website with cute little facts about our family histories. Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbours.
Penny: Oh, that’s cool.
Amy: No, it’s not. I’ll explain it to you later.
Scene: The restaurant.
Raj: May I have your attention, please? We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.
All: Hear! Hear!
Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.
Wil: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Talk to the hand.
Raj: Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!
Leonard: Sheldon…
Sheldon: Doubleazinga! I do! Good luck following that.
Leonard: So, Howard Wolowitz tying the knot. Leaving his crazy bachelor days behind. He was a wild one. Well, I guess we all kind of were. I remember this one time, I was with this girl at the beach. We were in the ocean and we started making out. I know, it was crazy. I wasn’t even wearing my Aquasocks. Then…
Kripke: Nobody cares, Hofstadter. Wwap it up.
Leonard: Right. To Howard.
All: To Howard.
Leonard: I totally had sex in the ocean.
Stuart: Okay, I’ll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can’t help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I’m 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.
Raj: Yeah, to Howard. Um, uh, who’s next?
Kripke: I’ll go. Howard, I’m gonna say something to you that evewybody’s thinking but no one has the couwage to say out woud. When you invite a man to a bachewor pawty, the impwication is, there will be stwippews. Maybe not compwetewy nude, but at weast pasties and G-stwings. That’s not unweasonable.
Raj: Hear, hear.
All: Hear, hear.
Raj: Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn’t know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world.
Kripke: Yeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj’s pants.)
Raj: I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh, yeah, and then there was the time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favourite!
Howard: Okay, buddy, that’s it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don’t remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m proud to say it was with this man right here.
Howard: Oh, please shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.
Wil (filming on his phone): Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you.
Sheldon: Jeepers, I’m drunk.
Scene: Bernadette’s car.
Howard: Thank you for picking us up. There’s a warning, right there, on the scotch bottle. You cannot be operatin’ heavy machinery after you had a snootful of this, laddie!
Bernadette: Funny. You boys have a nice time?
Howard: Yeah, it was great. And low-key, like I promised. No hanky-panky, no strippers. Just the guys telling jokes.
Bernadette: That’s nice.
Howard: How about you? Did you have a fun night? Yeah, we, uh, made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this.
Raj’s Voice: Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one’s my favourite.
Raj: You know, we’re not that far from my apartment. If you stop the car, I can walk from here.
Bernadette: You ain’t goin’ anywhere, Threeway.
Howard: Bernadette, listen…
Bernadette: You lied to me. You said you told me about all the girls you’ve been with, but you never mentioned your cousin, the prost*tute or Raj!
Raj: Seriously, you don’t even have to stop the car. Anything under ten miles an hour and I can combat-roll into the street.
Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn’t hire the prost*tute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
Bernadette: Don’t you try and blame this on him.
Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Bernadette: I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m supposed to marry Howard in a couple of weeks and I’m not sure I even know who the man is any more.
Amy: I’m curious what’s bothering you most, the borderline incest, the prost*tute or group sex with the girl dressed as the children’s cartoon?
Penny: Amy, remember when we went over things that would be helpful and things that wouldn’t?
Amy: Right. And that was…
Penny: Not.
Bernadette: When I first met Howard, he seemed so innocent to me, just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother.
Penny: Well, if that’s what you like, I’ll take you to the comic book store, the place is full of ‘em.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. You set me up with Howard. Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?
Penny: Well, a little. You hear stuff.
Bernadette: Why didn’t you tell me
Penny: Well, I was gonna, but I didn’t think it would go past the first date. Then, when it did, I thought for sure it wouldn’t go past you meeting his mother. Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. I mean, the warning signs were there, this is really on you.
Bernadette: My God! I thought you were my friend. (Runs to bedroom)
Amy: I don’t think that was helpful.
Scene: The apartment. Howard is on the phone.
Howard: Hi, Bernie, it’s me again. Please call me back.
Raj: Dude, I am so sorry.
Howard: It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you.
Leonard: Actually, you did do one of them together.
Sheldon: Here.
Howard: What is this?
Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.
Howard: No, but what is it?
Sheldon: Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.
Howard: I don’t know what my next move is.
Leonard: Well, Howard, I don’t know much about women.
Howard: Yeah?
Leonard: No, uh, that, that’s it. I don’t know much about women. Raj, you got anything?
Raj: I’ve got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
Howard: I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.
Raj: All right. More Sailor Moon for me.
Sheldon: I just threw up the bachelor party.
Scene: Bernadette’s apartment.
Penny: Please come out, Bernadette. Let’s talk through this.
Bernadette: No, leave me alone.
Amy: Perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. Do you have a cousin who you find attractive?
Penny: Amy.
Amy: Hey, you introduced him to the sleazebag. I’m just trying to clean up your mess.
Howard (at the door): Oh, hi.
Penny: Hey.
Howard: I need to talk to Bernadette.
Penny: Well, I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone right now.
Howard: All right, well, could you at least give her a message?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Howard: Tell her I’m really sorry, and if she doesn’t want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she’s disgusted by, is the guy that I’m disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn’t exist any more, he’s gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.
Penny: Oh, my God, Howard. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. And it came out of you.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: Penny has a message for you.
Bernadette: I heard. Your voice, not unlike your mother’s, travels through walls.
Howard: Do you want me to go?
Bernadette: No. Come here. I’m still really mad at you.
Howard: I get that.
Bernadette: Is there anything else about your past I should know?
Howard: Couple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. I’ll tell you later.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: So, is the wedding still on?
Bernadette: Yeah, the wedding’s still on. (They hug)
Amy: Oh, thank God. I’m still a maid of honour. (Joins in the hug)
Penny: Oh, what the hell. (Joins in too)
Amy: This is kind of hot.
Scene: The laundry room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown.
Leonard: Hello.
Penny: What’s with the robe?
Leonard (taking it off): I’m gonna have sex with you right here, right now, on that washing machine.
Penny: No, you’re not.
Leonard: Come on, please.
Penny: If you want to do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
Leonard: Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x22 - The Stag Convergence"} | foreverdreaming |
Scene: Howard’s laboratory. The phone rings. Howard puts it on speaker.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz.
Voice: Hey, Howard. Dave Roeger here at NASA. We need to talk about your upcoming mission.
Howard: Yes, yes, I’ve been doing my push-ups. I’m still stuck at nine, but that’s going all the way down with no one holding me.
Roeger: That’s great, uh, but that’s not why I called. We’ve run into a bit of a snafu. Your Soyuz capsule failed the pressurization test, so bottom line, mission’s been scrubbed.
Howard (Picks up receiver): You’re kidding. So what does that mean? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Boy, I got to tell you, I’m really disappointed. This was my dream ever since I was a little kid. Okay, well, uh, thanks for the call. Yep, you, too. (Puts down phone.) Yes! Thank you! Oh! Oh! I’m not gonna die in space! I’m gonna die the way God intended, in my late 50s, with a heart full of pastrami.
Credits sequence.
Scene: A suit shop.
Sheldon (off): I’m going to need a larger shirt. This one’s a little tight under the arms.
Assistant: Okay.
Leonard: Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.
Leonard: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?
Leonard: No, it should be: why are you?
Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?
Assistant: Why don’t you slip this on?
Sheldon: Said the hangman offering a noose.
Raj: Well, that wasn’t as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.
Howard: Well, that’s it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no go to space.
Leonard: I’m sorry, Howard, but I got to tell you, I’m a little relieved you’re not going.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Leonard: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, ooh, check out this Blu-ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia”?
Howard: Well, their technology isn’t that bad.
Raj: When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free-fall from space at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Howard: All right, well, whatever. I wasn’t worried.
Raj: You weren’t?
Howard: Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it.
Raj: Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.
Howard: Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.
Sheldon: Ah, much better.
Leonard: You must be burning up.
Sheldon: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!
Assistant: Uh, where’s he going?
Leonard: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.
Sheldon: Keys! Keys! Keys!
Scene: Penny’s door.
Penny: Hey, you.
Leonard: Before I come in, you should know, I have gas. (Holds up gas canister)
Penny: For the record, not your worst opening line.
Leonard: Check it out. It’s the gas I use in my free-electron laser to support high voltages. But it also has an interesting secondary use. Here. Breathe this in.
Penny: B-Before I do it, if you’re a cop you have tell me, right?
Leonard: Just try it.
Penny: Okay. (In weirdly low voice) What’s it supposed to… Oh, my God, this is so freaky!
Leonard (in low voice): You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch.
Penny: Okay. Me, me, me. Ready? (Low voice) Leonard, I am your father.
Leonard: I have never been more attracted to a woman who sounds like a man in my life.
Penny: Oh, Mm. Hey, you know how we’ve been taking things slow?
Leonard: Mm-hmm.
Penny: Well, I’ve been thinking, and maybe I’m ready to take things a little faster.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Leonard: And I promise, after waiting four months, fast is what you’re gonna get.
Penny: You know, just-just one thing. Look, we’re in a really great place right now, and I don’t want to do anything that will make stuff all weird again.
Leonard: So we won’t let it get weird.
Penny: Okay. Oh, and just a heads-up, mm, since the last time you saw me naked, I got a Cookie Monster tattoo. The acceptable responses when you see it are awesome or nothing.
Leonard: What about (inhales gas, in low voice) Cookies!
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?
Amy: Seven o’clock, right on time.
Sheldon: It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.
Amy: Well, dinner’s almost ready.
Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.
Amy: Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?
Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy: I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon: Oh, you brain monkeys k*ll me. Dip away.
Amy: I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.
Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon: Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.
Amy: We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?
Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.
Amy: Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat.
Sheldon: Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.
Amy: May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon: You know I don’t drink.
Amy: Not even strawberry Quik?
Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon: Oh yummy, yummy! We should do this more often. Uh-oh.
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard: I’m sorry. I did, I crossed a line. I didn’t mean to!
Penny: Who says something like that right in the middle of sex?
Leonard: I don’t know, it just came out. People say weird things during sex all the time.
Penny: Okay, well, they sure as hell don’t say that.
Leonard: It was the heat of the moment.
Penny: No, the heat of the moment is, ooh, yeah, just like that, not will you marry me?
Leonard: I’m sorry. Just, just give me another chance.
Penny: Why, so you can crawl under the covers and go, hey, baby, want to go look for houses in neighbourhoods with good schools?
Leonard: Again, I’m sorry. You know, with Howard and Bernadette getting married, I got caught up in a little wedding fever. I take it back.
Penny: You can’t take something like that back. I mean, what are we even supposed to do now?
Leonard: Okay, at some point, we’ll look back and this is going to be a funny story. Why don’t we just start doing that now?
Penny: You’re kidding.
Leonard: No. Hey, do you remember that time when I proposed to you in bed? And you were all, like, what are you doing? That was so funny. So funny.
Penny: It’s not funny.
Leonard: Give it a minute. Is that a little smile I see there? I should go.
Scene: Howard’s bedroom.
Howard: Hey, I was thinking. For our first dance at the wedding, what if we learn the final number from Dirty Dancing?
Bernadette: You’re kidding.
Howard: No, come on. How cool would that be? Me running into your arms, you lifting me up into the air.
Bernadette: Oh, you’re in a good mood.
Howard: Yeah, well, why wouldn’t I be? You know, I’m marrying the girl of my dreams, and I finally got my mother to agree not to come on our honeymoon. (Phone rings) Oh, hang on. Oh, it’s NASA. Wolowitz. Oh! Hi, Dave. What’s up? No kidding. Really? Well, that’s great news. Great, great news. All right, I’ll watch my e-mail for the details. Okay, talk soon.
Bernadette: What’s so great?
Howard: It looks like I’m going into space after all.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie, that’s wonderful!
Howard: Uh-huh, wonderful. Yay.
Bernadette: What happened? I thought they cancelled your mission.
Howard: Th-They did. But NASA really wants my telescope up on the space station, so they’re putting me on an earlier launch.
Bernadette: When?
Howard: A week from Friday.
Bernadette: What? We’re getting married that Sunday.
Howard: You’re right. I, I can’t go to space. I have to get married, and no one can say that’s not a good reason. I’ll call him back.
Bernadette: Wait. I don’t want to be the one who stands in your way.
Howard: Well, too bad, you already did. It’s a done deal. Oh, well. But I forgive you.
Bernadette: No. That’s not how I want to start our marriage, k*lling your dream. We’ll have the wedding when you get back.
Howard: But what about all the plans and the guests?
Bernadette: We’ll call them. Although my dad’s gonna go a little nutso over losing his deposits.
Howard: You’re right, he is! Your dad’s gonna be furious. There’s no way he’s gonna let us postpone this wedding. Well, we tried.
Bernadette: I’ll talk to him. He won’t say no to his little girl.
Howard: No. I, uh, I should talk to him, man to man.
Bernadette: But, Howie, my dad can be a bully. He’s gonna make you cancel your space flight.
Howard: We can only hope… that he doesn’t.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are playing three dimensional chess.
Sheldon: Bishop to queen four, level two. Check.
Leonard: Sheldon, knight takes bishop. You all right?
Sheldon: I’m fine.
Leonard: Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me?
Sheldon: Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard: We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there?
Sheldon: No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.
Leonard: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny.
Sheldon: Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.
Leonard: I guess we are. So, what’s going on?
Sheldon: Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.
Leonard: I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you.
Sheldon: It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.
Leonard: Shame on her.
Sheldon: They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.
Leonard: She’s good.
Sheldon: I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.
Leonard: You mean, like in bed or in the shower?
Sheldon: No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?
Leonard: Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood k*ller.
Sheldon: I assume we’re talking about you now?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?
Leonard: Pretty much.
Sheldon: Well, no wonder the women are winning.
Scene: Bernadette’s father’s house.
Howard: Mr. Rostenkowski, are you busy?
Mr. Rostenkowski: I’m just looking at some old pictures. Come on in.
Howard: Family pictures, or… holy crap, that’s a d*ad person.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Last m*rder case before I retired. How many bodies do you see there? Careful, it’s a trick question.
Howard: I’m not sure.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, you’ll never get it. It’s a fraction.
Howard: How about that. Anyway, sir, I need to talk to you about something.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Walnut?
Howard: No, thank you. I’m allergic.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Oh, sure. My partner used to have that. He’s d*ad now.
Howard: From nuts?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, his wife sh*t him. But she was nuts, so in a way.
Howard: Nice story. Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk to you is NASA has moved up my launch to the International Space Station.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Yeah, so?
Howard: So, the date is going to conflict with me marrying your daughter. Now, I know what you’re going to say, I made a commitment to Bernadette and to your family and I’ve got a hell of a lot of nerve coming in here and demanding that we postpone this thing. Well, message heard and understood. Mission cancelled. Thank you.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Where are you going?
Howard: I’m sorry. May I be excused?
Mr. Rostenkowski: No, you may not. Let me tell you something. When I first met you… You just gonna stand there?
Howard: I’m sorry, I didn’t know, is this going to… Well, I should sit… May I be seat… Well, I’ll just sit.
Mr. Rostenkowski: When I first met you, I didn’t like you.
Howard: I’m aware of that, sir.
Mr. Rostenkowski: But then you and I had some time together.
Howard: Uh-huh.
Mr. Rostenkowski: It did not get better.
Howard: Right, right.
Mr. Rostenkowski: That silly Beatle haircut and you riding around on a red Vespa, and you still living at home with your mother. To be honest, I thought Bernadette chose you to punish me. But then I heard about your astronaut thing, and I realized I judged you too fast. Maybe you are the right guy for my little girl.
Howard: Oh, I am. And just so you know, I’d still be an astronaut, even if I didn’t go to space. I’ve got an I.D. Card and a NASA golf shirt.
Mr. Rostenkowski: No, no, you got to go. You can’t turn down an opportunity like this.
Howard: But what about the wedding and all the money you put down for the reception?
Mr. Rostenkowski: You let me worry about that. You go up to that space station, and you make me proud.
Howard: Um, okay.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You got a problem with that?
Howard: All right, look, I’m gonna level with you. I’m terrified about going into space. What if I don’t make it back?
Mr. Rostenkowski: It’s gonna be okay, son.
Howard: You really think so?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Of course. A pretty girl like Bernadette, she’ll find a new guy.
Scene: The stairwell.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey. Off to work?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Have a nice night.
Penny: Okay, you, too.
Leonard: Penny, just, wait. I’ve been thinking about what I said when we were in bed the other night.
Penny: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, too.
Leonard: I noticed you never answered me.
Penny: You’re right. (Kisses him) No.
Leonard: Uh, follow-up. Are we still dating?
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: Is it still weird ’cause I proposed?
Penny: Yep.
Leonard: I have a couple more quick questions. Do you want to call me from the car?
Penny: No!
Leonard: I played that pretty well. (Enters apartment. Amy, dressed as a Vulcan starfleet officer, is examining Sheldon.)
Amy: Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Amy: We’re playing doctor. Star Trek style.
Sheldon: I’m in hell, Leonard. Don’t stop. | {"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x23 - The Launch Acceleration"} | foreverdreaming |
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